Keeping Up Appearances s05e08 Episode Script

( theme music playing ) AH-HH.
NOW YOU'VE FINISHED BREAKFAST, I WANT YOU TO GO INTO THE GARDEN.
WHY DO I GET THE FEELING I'M GOING INTO THE GARDEN? WE MUST HELP EMMET.
HOW IS MY GOING INTO THE GARDEN HELPING EMMET? BECAUSE HE'S SO SHY, POOR DEAR.
LOOK, I KNOW HE'S DYING TO OFFER ME A ROLE IN "THE BOYFRIEND" BUT HE JUST CAN' PLUCK UP THE COURAGE.
HYACINTH, I THINK HE'S GOT PEOPLE FOR ALL THE PARTS ALREADY.
YOU GO OU INTO THE GARDEN, WHEN YOU SPOT HIM, GIVE ME A SIGNAL AND I'LL START TO SING.
- WHAT SIGNAL? - POINT OR SOMETHING.
WHAT AT? AT ANYTHING! POINT UP IN THE AIR! SAY, "OH LOOK, THERE'S A BLUEBIRD.
" THERE AREN' ANY BLUEBIRDS.
BLACKBIRDS THEN.
- PLEASE DON'T MAKE DIFFICULTIES, RICHARD.
- ( groans ) YOU SHOULD TELL HER! SHE NEVER LISTENS.
HYACINTH IS A TALKER, NOT A LISTENER.
YOU MUST FACE UP TO HER FAIRLY AND SQUARELY.
I TRIED THAT! I TOLD HER THE OTHER MORNING IN THE MIDDLE OF THAT EXCRUCIATING COFFEE SESSION.
THE ONE YOU COULDN'T MAKE, SISTER DEAR? "HYACINTH," I SAID, "HYACINTH, MY PRODUCTION OF 'THE BOYFRIEND' IS ALREADY FULLY CAST.
" THAT WAS VERY BRAVE.
- ( sighs ) - WHAT DID SHE SAY? SHE GAVE ME ONE OF HER SMILES, SLIPPED ME A PARSNIP AND RHUBARB BISCUIT, AND THEN ASKED ME WHETHER I'D SEEN HER PICTURES OF SHERIDAN WHEN HE CAME FIRS IN HIS DANCE CLASS.
( laughing ) - HAVE YOU SEEN THEM? - NO, THANK HEAVENS! THEY'RE WORTH A LOOK.
POOR SHERIDAN.
YOU KNOW, HE NEVER REALLY STOOD A CHANCE.
SHOW ME YOUR SIGNAL, RICHARD.
RIGHT, I'M OFF.
IS THE COAST CLEAR? THERE'S JUS RICHARD-- BEHAVING VERY STRANGELY.
POOR CHAP'S FINALLY FLIPPED.
AND WHO CAN BLAME HIM? I'M AMAZED HE DIDN'T FLIP YEARS AGO.
( phone rings ) - MORNING, RICHARD.
- GOOD MORNING, EMMET.
OH LOOK! A BLACKBIRD.
OH LOOK, ANOTHER.
OH, VIOLET, YOU KNOW YOU CAN CONFIDE IN ME.
YOU'RE GETTING FED UP WITH WHOSE COMPANY? BRUCE'S? THAT'S ONLY NATURAL, HE'S YOUR HUSBAND.
OH, YES, THEY DO GET TIRESOME.
( chuckles ) WHAT YOU NEED IS ANOTHER DIMENSION TO YOUR LIFESTYLE.
YES, PERHAPS YOU SHOULD ENTERTAIN A LITTLE MORE.
GIVE A LITTLE SOIREE.
( laughs ) I COULD COME ALONG AND BRING SOME SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE GUESTS.
YES NO, DON'T GET ALARMED, VIOLET DEAR.
WE CAN KEEP I QUITE SIMPLE.
A LITTLE CAVIAR, CHAMPAGNE, AND CUT-GLASS FINGERBOWLS.
ONSLOW WHERE DID WE FIRS MAKE LOVE? WOULD YOU REPEA THE QUESTION? WHERE DID WE FIRST MAKE LOVE? IT MADE SUCH AN IMPRESSION ON YOU, YOU CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER IT? I CAN REMEMBER WHEN WE LAST MADE LOVE JUST.
WHY IS FATHER STANDING IN A BUCKET? - IS HE STANDING IN A BUCKET? - JUST STANDING THERE WITH BOTH FEE IN THE BUCKET.
- IS HE QUIET? - YES.
SO LEAVE HIM ALONE.
GET YOURSELF ANOTHER BUCKET.
I DON'T WANT A BUCKET.
SO WHY DO YOU CARE IF FATHER'S STANDING IN A BUCKET? I WISH I'D NEVER ASKED.
WHY DIDN'T YOU COME OU WHEN I SIGNALED? I WAS ON THE TELEPHONE! OH, I'VE NOTHING TO WEAR! WELL, YOU'VE MISSED EMMET.
OH, YOU CAN FORGE ALL ABOUT THAT NOW.
WHAT? WE SHALL INVITE ELIZABETH AND EMME TO GO WITH US TONIGH TO VIOLET'S.
( sighs ) ARE WE GOING TO VIOLET'S? YES, RICHARD! FOR A SUPERLATIVE SUMMER EVENING WITH MY WELL-HEELED SISTER.
( groans ) CAVIAR, CHAMPAGNE, QUAIL'S EGGS.
CUT-GLASS FINGERBOWLS.
( growls ) ( shudders ) IS ROSE COOKING BREAKFAST? I SHOULDN' THINK SO.
IF ROSE IS COOKING BREAKFAST, IT SMELLS VERY FUNNY.
IT WAS IN THAT BUS SHELTER IN MILTON STREET.
WHAT WAS? WHERE WE FIRS MADE LOVE.
NO, IT WASN'T! WE NEVER NEEDED A BUS THAT WENT PAS MILTON STREET.
I WAS SURE I HAD A BOYFRIEND THAT NEEDED A BUS THAT WEN PAST MILTON STREET.
WELL, IT WASN'T ME.
IT'S NOT AN EMPTY BUCKET! WHAT'S IN IT? HORSE MANURE.
ASK A SIMPLE QUESTION FATHER IS STANDING BAREFOO IN A BUCKE OF HORSE MANURE.
WHY WOULD HE DO THAT? MAYBE HE LOS HIS SLIPPERS.
I KNEW IT DIDN' SMELL LIKE BREAKFAST.
YOU'LL LOVE I AT VIOLET'S! - YOU'VE HEARD ME TALK OF VIOLET? - MANY TIMES.
SHE'S MY SISTER WITH THE MERCEDES, SAUNA AND ROOM FOR A PONY.
( cabinet slams ) YOU MUS BRING EMMET.
WE SHALL HAVE A SUPERLATIVE SUMMER EVENING.
CAVIAR, CHAMPAGNE, QUAIL'S EGGS, SMOKED SALMON PARCELS.
NOTHING TOO FORMAL.
JUST SOMETHING TASTEFUL WITH HAND-ENGRAVED CUT-GLASS FINGERBOWLS.
( humming ) ( singing loudly ) THERE'S SAFETY IN NUMBERS EMMET WILL LOVE IT! OH, I DON'T THINK EMMET WILL BE ABLE TO COME, HYACINTH.
HMM? OH, HE WILL WHEN HE KNOWS I'LL BE THERE.
WELL, I'M NOT EVEN CERTAIN I CAN GET WORD TO HIM.
YOU SEE, HE'S REHEARSING ALL DAY AT THE CHURCH HALL.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT, DEAR.
WE'LL CATCH HIM THERE.
I-I DON'T KNOW THA THAT'S A FRIGHTFULLY-- I COULD HELP EMME DRILL HIS CAST.
IT'LL BE NICE FOR HIM TO HAVE SOMEONE TO LEAN ON.
OH, I'M SORRY.
HOW DID THAT GET IN THERE? ( crashing ) I'M TERRIBLY SORRY, HYACINTH! DON'T WORRY, DEAR.
THEY'RE NOT REALLY ALL THAT EXPENSIVE.
MORE THAN MOST PEOPLE WOULD PAY, BUT THEN, ACCIDENTS WILL HAPPEN.
RATHER TOO FREQUENTLY, UNFORTUNATELY.
OH ( shouts ) SHOULD WE REALLY BE INTERRUPTING EMMET'S REHEARSALS? THAT'S BEEN WORRYING ME TOO.
EMMET WON'T MIND IF IT'S ME.
EMMET AND I ARE BONDED BY OUR MUTUAL LOVE OF MUSIC.
I THINK PERHAPS WE OUGHT TO WARN HIM-- CALL HIM ON THE TELEPHONE FIRST.
THAT SOUNDS LIKE A VERY GOOD IDEA.
BUT THERE'S NO PHONE IN THE CHURCH HALL.
WE'LL HAVE TO PHONE THE VICARAGE AND HIS POOR WIFE WILL HAVE TO TAKE THE MESSAGE OVER TO THE HALL.
I STILL THINK IT MIGH BE THE THING TO DO.
RICHARD, DID YOU SEE THIS? THIS MAN PUSHED IN.
JUST WAIT.
WAIT?! WHY SHOULD I WAIT? EXCUSE ME, BUT THAT'S MY TELEPHONE CALL YOU'RE MAKING.
I WAS HERE FIRST.
PLEASE GO AWAY, MADAM.
I SHAN'T BE A MINUTE.
RICHARD, EJECT THIS MAN! I KNEW SHE'D SAY THAT.
RICHARD, THIS MAN'S INSULTED ME.
NOT QUITE, BUT IT'S GETTING CLOSE.
( banging ) YOU OBVIOUSLY OVERUSE THE PUBLIC SYSTEM.
I VERY RARELY USE I AS I POSSESS A WHITE SLIMLINE TELEPHONE WITH AUTOMATIC REDIAL.
WITH A VOICE LIKE YOURS, I'M SURPRISED YOU EVEN NEED A TELEPHONE.
RICHARD, COME AND HELP ME! ( yelling ) HYACINTH, STOP THAT AT ONCE AND GET INTO THE CAR! WELL DONE, SIR.
IN WARTIME, YOU'D HAVE GO A MEDAL FOR COURAGE LIKE THAT.
WE'RE BEING FINISHED AND OUR FAMILIES' WEALTH MAY BE DIMINISHED BUT AT LEAST WE ALL HAVE PERFECT HEALTH HOLD IT, HOLD IT, GIRLS.
THAT'S VERY GOOD, BUT I THINK WE CAN DO A BIT MORE WITH IT.
VICAR, HAVE YOU EVER DONE THIS SORT OF THING? NOT FOR SOME TIME.
UNIVERSITY.
I'M SURE YOU CAN REMEMBER THE OLD-- ( rapid tapping ) - YES.
- KNEES ARE A BIT RUSTY.
IT'S GOOD, IT'S GOOD.
NOT-- NOT BAD AT ALL.
WHY DON'T YOU COME UP HERE AND WE'LL SHOW THEM HOW TO DO IT? - OKAY.
- COME ON, GIRLS.
GO DOWN THERE AND WATCH.
WE'RE PERFECT YOUNG LADIES PREPARING TO TAKE OUR PLACES AMONGS THE NOBLESSE WE'RE PERFECT YOUNG LADIES PREPARING TO DATE ( melodramatic music on TV ) FATHER'S NOT AS DAF AS YOU THINK.
STANDING IN A BUCKE OF HORSE MANURE? HE'S GIVING I A GOOD TRY.
HE SAYS IT'S GOOD FOR HIS CHILBLAINS.
HAS HE GO CHILBLAINS? NO-- SO THERE MUST BE SOMETHING IN IT.
WHERE DID HE GE THE STUFF FROM ANYWAY? HE FOUND I IN THE STREET.
HE'S BEGINNING TO WORRY WHERE HIS NEXT LOAD'S COMING FROM.
WELL, I'M NOT GOING OU COLLECTING FOR HIM.
( chuckles, laughing ) NOW WHAT? HE MAY THINK IT'S GOOD FOR HIS CHILBLAINS, BUT IF THAT'S THE ONLY MEDICINE HE'S GOT FAITH IN, I HOPE HE NEVER GETS BARBER'S RASH.
IT'S NO GOOD SULKING, HYACINTH.
THE SITUATION CALLED FOR FIRM MEASURES.
IT WAS EMBARRASSING.
IT WAS EMBARRASSING.
I MUST SAY, RICHARD, THERE ARE TIMES WHEN I'M AMAZED BY YOUR IMPATIENCE AND YOUR LACK OF CONSIDERATION FOR OTHER PEOPLE.
- MY IMPATIENCE? - YES! ELIZABETH WAS A WITNESS.
SHE HEARD YOU RAISE YOUR VOICE TO ME.
WELL, I'VE NEVER RAISED MY VOICE TO YOU BEFORE.
I THINK I'LL JUS GO AND WARN EMME YOU'RE COMING.
NO, WE'LL SURPRISE HIM.
I THINK I'D RATHER BE OUT HERE WHEN EMMET'S SURPRISED.
DON'T FORGE THE SMILES.
ALWAYS BIG SMILES.
- ( Hyacinth singing ) - IT'S THE BUCKET WOMAN.
I'LL BE CONTENTED TO LIVE ANYWHERE WHAT WOULD I CARE-- OH-- IS THA WHAT YOU'RE WEARING? NOT VERY HAUTE COUTURE, IS IT? HAS ANYONE SEEN EMMET? - HAD TO LEAVE.
- IN A HURRY.
- IN A GREAT HURRY.
- OH, WHAT A PITY.
HE'LL BE SORRY HE'S MISSED ME.
OF COURSE, I COULD WAI AND TAKE YOU THROUGH YOUR PACES.
( singing off-key ) ANY GIRL WHO'S REACHED THE AGE OF 17 OR THEREABOUTS HAS BUT ONE DESIRE IN VIEW SHE KNOWS SHE HAS REACHED THE STAGE OF NEEDING ONE TO CARE ABOUT NOTHING ELSE WILL REALLY DO CHILDHOOD GAMES ARE LEFT BEHIND AND HER HEAR TAKES WING LET'S GO RIGHT OUTSIDE.
IT'S HER HUSBAND.
COME ON, QUICK.
THAT CERTAIN THING CALLED THE BOYFRIEND - ISN'T THAT YOUR--? - MY WIFE, YES.
OH, I THOUGH I RECOGNIZED THE NOISE.
VOICE.
SHALL WE GO ROUND THE BACK WAY? WHAT A GOOD IDEA.
THE BOYFRIEND! DID YOU NOTE MY DICTION? IT'S VERY IMPORTAN THE AUDIENCE CAN HEAR THE WORDS.
THAT'S FUNNY.
WHY EXACTLY IS MRS.
BOUQUE SINGING? SHE WANTED TO INVOLVE HERSELF IN MY BROTHER'S REHEARSALS.
- I BET HE WAS PLEASED.
- ( Elizabeth laughs ) Hyacinth: WHERE IS EVERYBODY? PLEASE DON'T FEEL EMBARRASSED WATCHING ME.
I CAN QUITE UNDERSTAND HOW ENVIOUS YOU MUST BE.
IT'S A GIFT, YOU SEE.
SOME OF US HAVE IT, SOME OF US DON'T.
YOU CAN'T ALL EXPEC TO HAVE VOICES LIKE MYSELF AND JOAN SUTHERLAND.
THANK YOU FOR HELPING ME CARRY THE JUMBLE.
WE'LL PUT IT UNDER THE STAGE.
WOULD YOU MIND, ELIZABETH? NO, NO, OF COURSE NOT.
IF I POP INSIDE, PERHAPS YOU'D HAND THINGS DOWN TO ME? CERTAINLY.
WHAT ON EARTH'S GOING ON? WHAT ARE Y'ALL DOING DOWN HERE? REHEARSING.
- AREN'T WE? - All: YES, YES.
- VERY TRICKY ROUTINE.
- Emmet: OH-- VERY TRICKY.
READY, GIRLS? ONE, TWO, THREE.
WE'RE PERFECT YOUNG LADIES PREPARING TO TAKE-- EMMET, WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU DOING? - REHEARSING.
- I'M AFRAID I'M NO CONVINCED.
MICHAEL, WHAT ARE YOU DOING UNDER THE STAGE WITH THREE GIRLS? IT'S NOT JUS THREE GIRLS.
- EMMET'S HERE.
- HE'S A SINGLE MAN.
DIVORCED.
IT'S THE SAME THING.
NOT QUITE TECHNICALLY, DEAR.
EXCUSE ME.
LOOK, WHY ARE YOU MAKING SUCH FUSS? YOU THINK UNDER THE STAGE, IN THE PITCH DARK WITH THREE GIRLS IS REALLY APPROPRIATE FOR A VICAR? DARKNESS IS CLERICAL TERRITORY.
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO FIGHT IT, NOT JOIN IT! HELLO-OO! Vicar: THERE'S A PERFECTLY SIMPLE EXPLANATION.
I KNOW! THAT'S WHAT WORRIES ME.
OH, THERE YOU ARE, EMMET.
JUST WHEN I THOUGH I WAS IN ENOUGH TROUBLE.
AND YOU TOO, VICAR, HOW FORTUNATE TO FIND YOU ALL TOGETHER.
I HAVE A SURPRISE FOR YOU.
YOU'RE ALL INVITED THIS EVENING TO MY SISTER VIOLET'S.
SHE'S THE ONE WITH THE MERCEDES, THE SAUNA AND ROOM FOR A PONY.
NOW, I WANT YOU ALL THERE AT 6:00 THIS EVENING, FOR A BON VIVANT BUFFET, AND ALFRESCO MANCHETTES.
WEATHER PERMITTING, OF COURSE.
WE DON'T WAN SOGGY VOL-AU-VENTS, DO WE? OH, NO.
NOW, RICHARD, I WANT YOU TO BE AT YOUR MOST ELEGAN THIS EVENING.
I DON'T DO A GOOD ELEGANT.
BUT OF COURSE YOU DO, DEAR.
LOOK WHO'S BEEN TRAINING YOU ALL THESE YEARS.
WHAT ABOU THE BUFFET ITEMS? YOU CAN FETCH ALL THA IN A MINUTE.
( electronic ringing ) LISTEN TO THAT.
IT'S EVEN BETTER THAN OURS.
- HELLO, DEAR.
- HYACINTH! - RICHARD.
- Man: WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU GONE NOW?! VIOLET, PAY ATTENTION WHEN I'M YELLING AT YOU! ( yells ) GET LOST! OH, NOT YOU.
HIM.
LOVELY TO SEE YOU BOTH.
BYE.
WHO WAS THIS GUY YOU WERE WITH IN THE BUS SHELTER IN MILTON STREET? DON'T WORRY ABOUT HIM.
YOU LIKED HIM.
IT'S NOT AS IF IT WAS SOMEBODY YOU DIDN'T LIKE.
SOUNDS AS IF YOU LIKED HIM BETTER.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I LIKED HIM?! HE WAS A FRIEND OF YOURS.
OH, NICE! SOME FRIEND! ( TV plays ) IT'S NOT AS IF WE WERE MARRIED AT THE TIME.
FATHER'S GONE.
DID YOU KNOW SHE USED TO BE AT A BUS SHELTER IN MILTON STREE WITH SOME GUY? - ONLY ON FRIDAYS.
- WHAT GUY? THAT'S WHAT I WAN TO KNOW-- WHAT GUY? WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "FATHER'S GONE"? HE'S GONE WITH HIS BUCKET, LOOKING FOR ANOTHER LOAD.
DO YOU MEAN THAT SHELTER AT THE BOTTOM END OF MILTON STREET? - THAT'S THE ONE.
- ( both giggle ) I SPEN SOME HAPPY HOURS IN THAT SHELTER.
SOUNDS AS THOUGH EVERYBODY EXCEPT ME SPENT HAPPY HOURS IN THAT BUS SHELTER.
I THINK HE'S JEALOUS.
OO-OOH! OH-HH, I THINK THAT'S SO SWEET! I WOULDN'T MIND, YOU WERE ALWAYS BORROWING YOUR BUS FARE.
THIS LOOKS RATHER GOOD.
NOT QUITE MY CANDLELIGHT SUPPER, BUT IT'S CERTAINLY ELEGANT.
Violet: WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO CHOKE ME? Bruce: 'CAUSE I HATE YOU! I CAN'T STAND YOU! WHY DON'T WE JUST PHONE ROUND AND CANCEL EVERYBODY? RICHARD, I WILL NO DISAPPOINT PEOPLE.
WE HAVE FRIENDS COMING TONIGH WHO ARE EXPECTING A BON VIVANT BUFFE AND ALFRESCO MANCHETTES, AND THAT'S EXACTLY WHA THEY'RE GOING TO RECEIVE.
BUT WHAT ABOU THE ROW INDOORS? IT'LL QUIETEN DOWN.
IT'LL HAVE TO.
IF IT DOESN'T WE'LL DROWN IT OUT WITH MUSIC.
- DO WE HAVE ANY MUSIC? - DON'T MAKE DIFFICULTIES, RICHARD.
TAKE A POSITIVE ATTITUDE, DEAR.
I WANT THIS EVENING TO BE ELEGANT AND MEMORABLE.
( Violet screams ) DON'T DO THAT! I HAVE A FEELING IT IS GOING TO BE MEMORABLE.
HMMM.
OH, YES, THAT'S REALLY LOVELY.
AN ELEGAN GASTRONOMIC DELIGHT.
ARE YOU ON TOP OF THE BARBECUE, RICHARD? I'M GETTING THERE.
SLOWLY.
Violet: YOU'VE HIDDEN THE CARVING KNIFE AGAIN! CARVING KNIFE, DID YOU HEAR THAT? RICHARD, I WILL NO HAVE YOU EAVESDROPPING ON PRIVATE CONVERSATIONS.
- DO YOU CALL THAT PRIVATE? - Violet: GET OUT OF MY WAY! ( sighs ) DO SOMETHING, DEAR.
- Violet: I HATE YOU! - ( glass shatters ) - YOUR LEGS ARE TOO SHORT! - WAIT, I HAVE AN IDEA.
I'M GOING NOWHERE NEAR THEM IF THEY'RE WAVING CARVING KNIVES AROUND.
WE NEED TO BE ABLE TO DROWN OUT THEIR VOICES.
NOR AM I CONTACTING THE ROYAL ARTILLERY.
NO.
JUST GO AND HAVE A LOOK INSIDE, AND SEE IF YOU CAN FIND SOME LARGE SHEETS OF CARD AND A THICK PEN.
- WHAT FOR? - NEVER YOU MIND.
COULDN'T WE HAVE A PUNCTURE OR SOMETHING? COULDN'T THE CAR BREAK DOWN AND THEN WE COULDN' POSSIBLY GET THERE? YOU PROMISED THE VICAR YOU'D COME.
YOU'RE GOING TO GIVE EACH OTHER MUTUAL SUPPORT.
Bruce: IF I HAD A BRAIN, DO YOU THINK I'D BE MARRIED TO YOU? THERE! BUT WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO? HOLD IT UP AND HOPE THAT VIOLET AND BRUCE WILL SURRENDER? NO! WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A BARBECUE SINGSONG.
SURELY YOU CAN UNDERSTAND ANYONE HIDING FROM THE BUCKET WOMAN.
YES, OF COURSE I CAN.
WHAT I CAN'T UNDERSTAND IS WHY YOU FEL YOU NEEDED THE "MORAL SUPPORT" OF THREE ATTRACTIVE YOUNG LADIES.
- Bruce: YOU'RE THE ONE WITH THE MOUTH! - REALLY THINK THIS'LL WORK? IT WILL IF WE SING LOUD ENOUGH.
THAT'S PROBABLY ELIZABETH AND EMMET.
AT LEAST IT'S QUIE AT THE MOMENT.
THEY'LL BE IN EACH OTHER'S ARMS.
LOOKING FOR THE JUGULAR.
Hyacinth: HELLO, ELIZABETH AND EMMET! - Both: HELLO.
- WELCOME TO OUR BARBECUE.
WITH THE UNIQUE SING-FOR-YOUR-SUPPER SPECIALTY.
OH NO-- SHE'S NO GOING TO SING? PLEASE, TELL ME SHE'S NOT GOING TO SING.
SHH, BE QUIET.
WELL, I MUST SAY THE BUFFET LOOKS LOVELY, HYACINTH.
THANK YOU, DEAR.
HOW DOES THE SINGING SIDE OF THE EVENING WORK? OH, IT'S A PARTY GAME BASED ON AN IDEA ORIGINALLY CONCEIVED BY HENRY VIII FOR HIS BANQUETS.
- HOW INTERESTING.
- YES, FASCINATING.
YES, IT'S PERFECTLY SIMPLE.
WHENEVER I PICK UP ONE OF THESE CARDS, THEN EVERYONE SINGS THE SONG IT NAMES.
- ( Bruce yelling ) - RULE BRITANNIA! All reluctantly: BRITANNIA RULES THE WAVES BRITONS NEVER, NEVER, NEVER SHALL BE SLAVES-- COME ALONG, RICHARD, SING UP THERE.
RULE, BRITANNIA, BRITANNIA RULES THE WAVES BRITONS NEVER, NEVER, NEVER SHALL BE SLAVES-- - ( arguing ends ) - LOVELY, LOVELY.
( Hyacinth laughs ) NOW WHAT CAN I OFFER YOU AS A PRELIMINARY NIBBLE? DO YOU THINK SHE HAS ANY SUICIDE PILLS? EMMET, BEHAVE YOURSELF.
OH, HELLO AGAIN, VICAR.
HOW NICE TO SEE YOU AND YOUR GOOD LADY.
- GOOD EVENING, MRS.
BUCKET.
- "BOUQUET.
" DO RELAX AND ENJOY YOURSELVES.
Violet: WHY DO YOU GO THAT FUNNY COLOR? OH! THERE'LL ALWAYS BE AN ENGLAND WHILE THERE'S A COUNTRY LANE ( loudly ) WHEREVER THERE'S A COTTAGE SMALL BESIDE A FIELD OF GRAIN THERE'LL ALWAYS BE AN ENGLAND AND ENGLAND SHALL BE FREE - ( bickering stops ) - ( singing quiets ) ( chuckles ) JUST A PARTY GAME, VICAR.
YOU'LL SOON GET THE HANG OF IT.
RICHARD'LL SOON HAVE THE HOT FOOD READY.
WON'T YOU, DEAR? BUT IN THE MEANTIME, DO HELP YOURSELF TO MY ANCILLARY ITEMS.
- THANK YOU, HYACINTH.
- Bruce: DON'T BITE ME THERE! YOU'RE ALWAYS BITING ME THERE! THERE'LL ALWAYS BE AN ENGLAND WHILE THERE'S A COUNTRY LANE-- SHE'LL BE COMING 'ROUND THE MOUNTAIN WHEN SHE COMES SHE'LL BE COMING 'ROUND THE MOUNTAIN WHEN SHE COMES SHE'LL BE COMING 'ROUND THE MOUNTAIN COMING 'ROUND THE MOUNTAIN COMING 'ROUND THE MOUNTAIN WHEN SHE COMES - ( singing fades ) - WONDERFUL.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING.
NOW DO HELP YOURSELVES.
I DON'T WANT TO TAKE I ALL HOME AGAIN.
- IT ALL HAS TO BE EATEN.
- Violet: HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT! OLD MacDONALD HAD A FARM EE-I-EE-I-OH - AND ON THAT FARM THERE WAS A-- - DUCK! EE-I-EE-I-OH WITH A QUACK-QUACK HERE AND A QUACK-QUACK THERE-- OOH LOOK! MRS.
BOUQUET, FIRE! OH, RICHARD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOUR BARBECUE'S OUT OF CONTROL.
DADDY! WHAT A MIRACLE! JUST WHEN WE NEED HIM, DADDY APPEARS WITH A BUCKET OF WATER.
- I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU! I REALLY HAVE! - ( screaming ) DULL OLD THING YOU ARE-- GO AWAY! OH DEAR, WHAT A PITY BRUCE CAN'T STAY.
YOU WILL JOIN US, VIOLET DEAR? I THOUGHT WE MIGH TAKE HOME A CHINESE.
( theme music playing )