Key and Peele (2012) s05e08 Episode Script

But that was a good practice, though, dawg.
That was a good practice.
All right.
Pah! I got you, dawg.
Quack Dilly, you play too much, man.
- What's up, Fudge? - Hey, man, you play too much, Quack Dilly.
Come on, don't play with me, man.
- Not now.
- I'm about to go come on, hey, stop! Stop, stop hey! Hey, don't tickle me, man.
- Oh, you ticklish, dawg.
- No, I'm saying, don't Stop, man.
Stop! - What you doing? - You being stupid, man! You being stupid! You touched my dick.
I didn't I mean, I did, but I didn't My finger gra It does now occur to me that perhaps indeed I do play too much.
I never intended to grab the dick.
Crazy crazy Does is crazy Make up for adjustment You jammin' on the verse First one's planned that you want to do All I want But I don't need you There's, like There's so few good sequels.
Very often I don't go see sequels.
I mean, Tremors.
Tremors went about ten different sequels.
Like, some of them just star Fred Ward.
Some of them, it's just, like, Michael Gross doing laundry.
Michael Gross doing laundry.
There's some Tremors where the tremors have grown feet, and now they walk above the ground.
Then how could it still be Tremors? - It's not a tremor.
- That's just mitigated ground pressure.
- Just a monster.
- Literally just a worm monster, yeah.
Okay, guys, Gremlins 2.
I'm telling you, this movie Should write itself.
The first one was a classic.
This should be pretty straightforward.
Basically, all we're doing is maintaining the integrity of the original picture.
We want to do all the stuff with the water and the What? Uh, can we help you? I'm sorry.
Let me introduce myself.
Hi, y'all.
My name is Star Magic Jackson, Jr.
I'm the Hollywood sequel doctor.
So studio just brings me in to oversee things when they about to drop a deuce.
So that's why I'm here, but don't mind me.
I'm just gonna be over here.
Y'all do your thing.
It's your movie.
Okay.
Let's brainstorm.
Adam.
If it's gonna take place in an office building, I was thinking, what if Gizmo gets wet from a water cooler this time? Okay, hold on a second! I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to step in here.
Just one second, sweetheart.
So what's wrong with y'all? Y'all are looking like a bunch of sad sacks.
This is G2, people.
We writing Gremlins 2.
It should be a party, with pizza and anchovies, pineapple.
Just come on.
Lift up the spirits.
Look, okay, I'm gonna put a little bit of spice into the mixture here.
What if we did this? Everybody here gets to design their own gremlin.
Um, I don't see that the gremlin design is broken.
It's called brainstorming, not brain drizzling, sweet pea.
Okay? Shut your mouth for a second.
Look, here's the thing.
None of this is final.
So you mean, like, what if there was like, a brainy gremlin? A brainy gremlin? You talking about a gremlin with glasses who could talk and sing New York, New York? That's brilliant.
It's in the movie, done.
Whoa, whoa, you said that nothing was final.
That was before I heard the words "brainy" and "gremlin" in the same sentence together.
It's done.
I love it.
It's in the movie.
Next.
What about a, uh, spider gremlin? You mean a gremlin with eight legs and a thorax, just catching pretty ladies in a web in an office building? Oh, my God, it's in the movie.
I love it! Next! What about a bat gremlin? You mean a gremlin with leathery wings, just flying around, flip-flopping, bust through a wall, make a perfect bat symbol in the wall, get outside, get in some wet concrete, jump up on a building, and just dry in place like a gargoyle gremlin? We are cooking with gas now.
I love it.
It's in the movie.
- Next.
- Could there be a female gremlin? Just lipstick, boobies.
Bitch, you had me at "little gremlin va-jay-jay.
" I love it so much that it's not only in the movie, but it's definitely in the movie.
There's no backsies on that one.
No penny taxies.
Yes, yes, yes! In the movie, done! That's why need a woman in the writers' room.
- Next.
- I don't know.
A googly-eyed gremlin? But you do know, because you're talking about a gremlin whose sole purpose in this film is just that he looks stupid as fuck.
Yes, it can be in the movie, and it is in the movie.
Done.
Next.
What about you, silver fox? Um, electricity gremlin? You just said noun and "gremlin," like you're playing Mad Libs.
You just like a child.
You have the brain of a child.
You do not have a high IQ but you haphazardly came up with a gremlin that's just made out of bolts that is zigzagging all over the room, and it's done completely in animation.
You a crazy person, and your idea's in the movie! Done.
Next.
Can we put the Hulkster in it? What? You talking about putting Hulk Hogan, professional wrestler turned actor turned cultural icon in the movie, where he break the fourth wall of the movie he's in by talking to the audience.
You, sir are a raging psychopath.
Don't let this town take that away from you.
That's it.
I don't even care anymore.
We got the Hulkster in this bitch, so it's done.
I don't have any more time, so let me just recap right now.
It's brainy gremlin, spider gremlin, bat gremlin, lady gremlin, googly-eyed gremlin, electricity gremlin, Hulk Hogan's gonna be in the picture.
I'm gonna throw in a gremlin myself.
Vegetable gremlin! Just write it up.
- I'm having so much fun.
- Why not? Thank you, it's all gonna be in the actual film.
Now I got to go put some cowboys in Back to the Future III.
Sayonara, y'all.
Oops! Now, okay, you guys know that none of that is gonna be in the actual movie.
Morning.
- Ron.
- Good morning, Mr.
Sheltie.
How's the fam? Oh, I don't have I'm single, sir.
I'm not married.
I mean, I do have a girlfriend.
That's great.
Oh, God! Hey, I need you to do me a favor.
Make sure everybody knows that the bagels are for sales associates only.
No problem, sir.
All right, let's get this sales presentation started.
All right, who's hungover? Not me.
- I know Ron is.
- That's not true.
You're an alcoholic.
I'm not, sir, I'm not.
Hey, guys, sales associates, friends.
Today I want to talk about the world's oldest profession.
Now hold on, hold on! I know, I know what you're thinking, right? Sex and prostitutes.
That's not what I'm talking about.
Okay? I'm talking about sales.
If you look at our ancient history as human beings, the first caveman out there sold a rock to the second caveman out there.
Oh, I'm sorry, those are for sales associates only.
It's food.
Not for you.
I'm sorry.
Bagels are just for sales associates.
For sale? No, it's free.
Oh, for free? Not for you, though.
It's just for me? - No, the - Are willing to divide ourselves The bagels are only for sales associates.
Ron.
Love the enthusiasm, but it's a little distracting.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, sir.
Oh, don't do it again, please.
Sorry.
Moving on For me maybe? No, not maybe.
I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.
Foss? - Foss what? - For us? For us? No, no, not for us.
One, just one.
It's just that they're for sales associates only.
For me maybe? - Forget that.
- Ron! - Yep.
- Just shut up.
All right.
What was the first tongue twister you remember hearing? Was it "she shells" - Sir, no, sir.
- Was it, was it "she sells" Cream cheese is also only for sales associates.
How come it's not for me, why? Because the bagels are for sales - Ron.
- Yes.
Time and place, man.
I'm sorry, this guy just keeps trying - to grab a bagel, and - Ron, do you want to come up here and do the presentation? I'll go back there and be a jackass? You just asked me to make sure that nobody but "Oh, the sign says my name's Ron.
"I like to drink alcohol and listen to signs all day.
" He's really relentless about having a bagel.
- Fine.
- And I told - Handle your bagels! - I'm trying.
Unbelievable, everybody.
All right, I'll just I'll start cold.
Cells make up our bodies, but selling makes our bodies come alive.
Sir, seriously, stop.
- Not even smell? - No, no, no! You can't have any bagels! You can't have any cream cheese! And you can't have smells! That's what the fucking sign says! - Ron! - Yes! You are fired, sir! Of course I am! All right, you know what? Just give me a minute.
I'm gonna try to forget Ron ruined my day, 'cause this presentation is great, and it's going great.
- And I think you guys - Bagel too.
These bagels Bagels just for sales associates.
He's right, Ron.
You ever be, like, getting busy - And then the dog's there? - Yeah.
That's the worst.
It's weird because sometimes - they stare at you.
- They stare at you.
They're just staring at you.
No big deal to them.
Just like, "Oh, yeah, I did that earlier.
" Can't even jerk off anymore without my dog just being like I'm like, "Dude, you never look at me.
"Why now?" "This is when you choose to give me a penetrating stare.
" Aw, bad choice of words.
Yeah, I should not have said that.
Oh, thank you.
I wish I could just stay at my old place, but I can't afford the new rent.
Yeah, moving sucks.
You know, strangers handling your belongings.
The movers always break something.
Oh, no, I can't afford professional movers.
I'm moving myself this Saturday.
Gonna do most of the small stuff just going back and forth with my hatchback.
Do you think you can borrow your roommate's van? You can help me with some of the big stuff? Um Yeah You know what? I've been thinking a lot lately, and I think we need to spend some time apart.
Not to break up, no.
I just, I just Just some time.
Time apart to figure ourselves out.
And then we come back together stronger, - you know? - This is coming out of nowhere.
No, it's not.
I've I have tried to tell you, like, a million different ways.
But you don't listen.
See, that's the thing, is that you never listen.
I don't need this time apart for me.
I need this time apart for us.
How long do you think it's gonna take you to move? Okay, this is about the move.
You don't want to help me move.
Wha What? I would love to help you move.
That's what boyfriends do.
- Claire.
- I just think that it's a weird coincidence that you need space right when I'm about to move.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I am so sorry that I didn't plan my emotional turmoil around your move.
Look at your face, see? And now you've assumed the worst of me, because you do that, and that's why we need to spend time apart from each other.
That is not fair.
Not fair Fair? Babe, all I'm asking for is Okay, fine! Okay, fine? We'll move on Sunday.
I don't know what I was thinking.
enough time to do what I need to do to make our relationship stronger.
See, you got me all Confused.
And you know what? I love you but I got to get out of here.
I can't I just can't I don't I'm so confused right now.
I feel, I can't think, and the walls are closing in on me.
I just don't know what to do.
Oh, it's my landlord.
He says he doesn't want to lose me as a tenant, so he is not going to raise my rent.
Now I don't have to leave my place.
And I don't need time apart, because we're perfect together.
Will you marry me? You're painting my apartment.
Of course I'm painting your apartment.
That's what boyfriends do.
When exactly do you think that's gonna happen? Hey, yo, no matter what, dawg, don't snitch.
I ain't saying nothing, dude.
You know me.
I'd die before I turn snitch.
We tell them nothing, they got nothing.
Yeah.
You think J-Rock talking? Hell no, dawg.
J-Rock is my cousin.
That man would never snitch.
All right, so just chill out here? Cool.
Hey, bring that ice when you get that chance, Dwight.
All right, man.
You the man, Dwight.
Sss Bitch-ass cop.
What up, J-Rock? They hurt you up in there? What you mean hurt you? Look like he just got back from the fucking snack shop.
What you say to them, man? Nothing.
- You lying piece of shit - Hold on, hold on, hold on.
This is my man right here, a'ight? My brother.
This man ain't never snitch on nobody, never.
Whatever.
Now, look We in this together, right, hmm? Nobody says nothing, right? - Right.
- Right.
- Right.
- Nobody gonna say nothing about how Big Earl shot up that liquor store.
No, no, no.
It wasn't Big Earl.
What the hell are you talking about? It wasn't? Hell no.
Buckshot's the one that held up that liquor store.
Buckshot.
Now where's he going? I don't know, maybe he's going to the bathroom or some shit.
Man, he's going in there to snitch on us.
No, no, listen, let me tell you something.
That's my boy right there.
We grew up together.
That is a stand-up G.
That man would never snitch.
Pizza time! Pizza time, pizza time.
Everybody love pizza time Wake up in the morning, it's pizza time Go ahead and eat it, it's pizza time Pizza, pizza, p-pizza time Motherfucking pig-ass cop, man.
- Oh, no.
- Hold on, hold on.
- Snitch - Hold on, hold on.
Now, J-Rock, um, - where'd you get the pizza? - Mmm-hmm.
Back there.
I - I bought it.
- You know what, listen to me.
This ain't no fucking game, okay? If I find out you done snitched on us, I'm gonna bust a cap in your tiny pizza-breath ass, and then I'm gonna bury you in my mother's basement with the rest of the snitches.
What? No, what'd he say? What'd he say? Where you going? Where you going? Where you going now? Where you go Oh, see, see? See, look, look.
Look, he's selling me out right now.
No, no, no, he's saying that "I would never sell out that man.
" What? I'm telling you.
All right, let's go.
- Let's go, come on.
- Oh, hell, man.
See, what'd I tell you, Rockwell, huh? What I tell you? You snitch-ass Roll with me, roll with me Let the night unfold With me You know, there's, like, five different incarnations of the black handshake, right? And they're all fairly simple.
But I don't know if somebody's coming in for the Oh, what? Yeah, yeah.
What? And then we got to turn that.
And then the worst is when you get - what I call "grabbing the apple.
" - Okay.
So dude comes in there, and he's coming in for the bump.
- You grab a dude's apple - For the bump.
You're always the one looking a little weird.
- You're the apple-grabber.
- You're grabbing the apple.
He's feeling palm.
He doesn't want that.
And he's going, "Whoa, dude, get your palm off my knucks.
" - He didn't come here for that.
- He didn't want that.
- He just wants to meet people.
- Yeah.
Here is your white wine.
- Thank you.
- You are welcome.
Hey, Pete.
Little uh, little thirsty tonight? Ha, yeah.
Super thirsty.
Pete, this is Haraysa.
Haraysa, this is Pete.
Haraysa just got back from Africa.
Oh, Africa.
Anyways, uh, where was I? - Oh, the AUC.
- Oh, right, so this conflict is exactly the reason the African Union Commission was put in place to address.
The organization of African Unity certainly wasn't gonna do anything.
Oh, exactly.
And if Nkosazana Dlamini-Zuma wants to do anything about Bangui, she's certainly being quiet about it.
The worst part about Bangui is that no one knows what's going on.
- Oh, no, I know.
- I mean, look at right next door, - the South Sudan.
- Here's the thing.
Everybody just thinks that it's like That it's the damn Lion King over there.
- You know? - Lion King.
Excuse me? It's not The Lion King.
Exactly.
I mean what do people think? A baboon is going to hold a lion cub over a rock, up to the sun, while all the little animals sing? Anyway Um, something else I wanted to mention is they have the manpower, because AMISOM has 25,000 troops just sitting there in Somalia.
It's not a three animated hyenas situation.
That doesn't make any sense.
The bad guy isn't Scar over there.
Um, yeah.
Yeah, that's right.
It's not like Scar's the bad guy.
Well, I mean, you know, the truth is, no one knows who to blame, because in reality, AMISOM doesn't have that much control.
- They don't.
- Like Simba.
Oh, like Simba.
He had no control over Well, he was plucked out from his home and went on a whole journey before he came back and was just in the middle of a war.
Really had nothing to do with him.
You know, Pete, I'd be really interested in hearing your thoughts on the UN's policies in East Africa.
Hakuna matata.
Unbelievable.
Yes.
My God, that sums it up perfectly.
There's so much work still to be done.
Yes, that's what I was saying.
This has been going on for so many years.
So many years, Circle of Life.
Hmm.
Exactly, that's really brilliant.
I'm not brilliant.
Let's dial it back.
- I'm just a man.
- Okay, uh, I'm gonna I'm gonna go get some hors d'oeuvres.
Okay, no need to announce it.
What are your thoughts on the Middle East? Aladdin.
Huh.
We never made a Key and Peele handshake.
It should be something like this.
It should be like boop, whap, and then you got to peel it on back.
- Real literal.
- That would do the trick.
So dumb, so dumb.
Oh, yeah.
Give me a bagel.
- Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh.
- Uh what? Bagels are for sales associates.
What the fuck is happening right now?