My Family (2000) s05e08 Episode Script

(# TV theme tune) One of the better ones.
I guessed it, of course.
(Turns TV sound off) - So who was the murderer? - The master of the college.
OK.
So where's the opera singer Morse fancies? In the episode we watched this morning.
- So who died? - Who didn't? Nearly everybody.
It's Morse.
Oh.
- Susan.
- Yes? There's just one thing I don't understand.
- Just one? - Who stole Morse's red Jag? - Nobody.
- Oh, yeah? Then why is he driving a green Punto? Abi, it's a commercial.
Thank you, Miss new girl.
- Hallo-o-o! - Hallo-o-o! To you, to-o-o! Ben, you seem happy.
- Are you feeling all right? - I'm just dandy.
I'm with my favourite kind of patient.
A semiconscious one.
It's Mr Addis! Your first pre-molar implant victim.
- Oh, isn't it exciting? - Shh! Shh! Yes, he, erm, he hasn't agreed yet.
He's not sure whether he wants to be my guinea pig.
Mother would never let me have a guinea pig.
Told me if you held it up by its tail, its eyes would drop out.
- Roger.
- Mm.
Go away now.
I thought you were in the mood for some conversation.
Frilly canvas motorcycle.
I've got some.
The lights.
They're coming closer! (Gruff voice) All right, I confess, I killed my wife.
Mr Harper, you're my Velcro newsletter.
See? He makes more sense than you.
Get out.
Oh those Inspector Morses.
They're a mystery to me.
They're a mystery to everyone, Abi.
That's their appeal.
Huh.
Yeah, right.
So people enjoy being puzzled and confused? Within limits, yes.
Well, it beats me.
I like Morse DVDs.
They keep Mum busy.
And out of my private life.
You mean with your new girlfriend? - You didn't tell Mum about her, did you? - No.
Good.
Cos she's always nosing in my affairs.
- Who's always nosing in your affairs? - Thanks, Abi.
Mikey! Good day? Goodbye.
- I'm afraid it's takeaway again tonight.
- Ye Curses.
Oh, but Susan, it's your week off.
You had such plans.
Festival of World Cuisine Oh, we'll muddle through somehow.
I'm sorry, I can't tear myself away from Morse.
Darling, you just enjoy yourself.
It's all right, cos I've got my festival of world cuisine right here.
Indian, Chinese Thai.
It was sweet of you to buy me that 33-DVD box set.
For you, my darling, anything.
But don't worry, I've only got 12 hours to go.
Good.
Then you can watch them all over again.
Yes.
And this time I'll know who did it before Morse does.
- Mm.
- I'll be more Morse than Morse.
- Ben.
- Mm? Susan told me something amazing earlier.
Morse has no name.
Yes, he does.
It's Morse.
Oh, yeah.
(Tuts) Thank you very much, Susan.
- And how was your day? - Usual thing.
Cotton wool supplies ran out, steriliser's on the blink and you're not going to believe this (Chuckles) Mr Addis confessed to, er, killing his wife.
It's all right, it's all right, he was under sedation.
People say all sorts of rubbish.
Bit like here, really.
But he said he murdered his wife.
- He also said I was his Velcro newsletter.
- A mistake anyone could make.
You can't bother the police on the basis of what someone says under sedation.
You're right.
We need to gather more evidence.
Morse would.
Susan, can you please forget the whole thing? What a patient tells a dentist is strictly confidential.
Especially if he's rich and has lousy teeth.
Dentistry, dentistry.
Blah-de-blah-de-blah-blah-blah.
Yes, OK, I happen to be interested in my work again.
I'm hoping to try out something new for me.
Improving the bite of a murderer? Maybe he did kill his wife.
Yeah.
Yeah? Oh, I think you're sexy, too.
Oh, I think you look good in that.
You got any photos? Who is that? It's my physics teacher.
Is it something I should be worried about? No.
OK.
Good.
See you tonight.
No.
Believe me.
You don't wanna meet them.
Who doesn't want to meet who? Gotta go.
What's her name? She hasn't got a name.
Just like Morse.
We can do this the easy way or the hard way.
The hard way.
Can I go now? So where did you meet her? Is she in your year? What's her family like? Mum, Dad mentioned Mr Addis was going back to the surgery today.
What if he says something else, something incriminating? You're right.
What time did he say he'd be there? I need a new notebook.
Michael? Michael! Even though this would be the ideal procedure for you, I'm not gonna pressure you.
Really.
You just sit back, relax and let me know soon, OK? I mean, even though this is the future of dentistry.
(Chuckling) It really is quite an honour.
Is it my turn to open my mouth yet? Just bite on that, will you? OK, Miss new girl.
Have you got Mr Addis's chart, please? Ah.
Let This is a mouse mat, you idiot.
I'd appreciate a little more courtesy.
- I'd appreciate a little more brain.
- You could certainly do with some.
You're beginning to remind me of someone Yup, that's her.
(Whispers) Are you completely mad? Get out of here! - Don't you want to know why I'm here? - No.
Because you're leaving.
- I'm in deep cover.
- You're in deep something.
Get out.
Susan! Su san.
- He isn't saying anything.
- And he's fully conscious.
OK.
Excuse me, Miss Mad.
Can I have a word with you about the magazines in the waiting room? Susan, you'll lose me my patient! - Swab the inside of his mouth.
- Are you telling me how to do my job? No, I'm telling you how to collect DNA.
- You do it with this.
- Really? Then what are you gonna do? Analyse it in your own personal pathology lab? - One step at a time.
- Oh! - Are you going to do it or not? - Not.
Then I'll have to get his DNA sample some other way.
Susan! You are not having sex with my patient! (Yelps) Susan! Susan! Never, ever come into my surgery ever again! Not even if your teeth turn purple and tumble onto the carpet.
OK.
Poor Mr Addis.
Not only is he this close to agreeing to some very expensive and interesting treatment, he has now lost his wallet! Yes, he had to cancel all his credit cards.
And to make matters worse, he broke down on the M11 in the rain! By the time he phoned me he was in such a frenzy he practically accused me of stealing his wallet! A bit That is the one, isn't it, Susan? - Wh why? - It was so easy.
It was just lying there, in his jacket pocket.
Full of DNA and clues.
Susan, please leave Mr Addis alone.
He and I could have a very long and happy future together.
Yeah.
If you become a prison dentist.
Why? What have you found? Exhibit A.
Not one photo of his wife in here.
Is that fishy or what? Everyone has a picture of their wife in their wallet, don't they? Yeah, course.
Yeah.
And look at this.
He bought an axe in B&Q.
- That is crazy! - See? There's a sale on at Homebase.
But why would you want an axe unless He was building a new shed.
Like he told me.
But why would he want to build a new shed unless He needed one.
But why would he need one unless something unspeakable happened in the old one? Ben, don't you see? A crime has been committed.
Yes.
You've stolen his wallet.
Oh, that's right.
That's right, side with a murderer.
As usual.
- Give me the wallet.
Give me the wallet! - No.
OK.
Aha! Now you're implicated.
Handling stolen goods.
Don't worry, Michael, I haven't forgotten you.
As soon as I've solved the Addis case, it's onto the mystery of Madam X.
(Clears throat) She's way too young for him, don't you think? Mm.
He had a perfectly good first wife.
When she was alive.
- Have we met before? - No, never.
We're strangers.
You know, some people find it easier to talk to strangers, - to unburden themselves.
- Hm.
- Her grandfather was Roald Dahl.
- Really? You can't tell.
He wrote that story about a wife who kills her husband by whacking him with a frozen leg of lamb.
Then she cooks it and eats the evidence.
- Actually, she feeds it to the policemen.
- Ah.
- Interesting you would know that.
- Pardon? Yes.
An untraceable murder weapon.
The ideal way to get rid of your spouse.
- Yes.
If you wanted to.
- Yes.
And, let's face it, who hasn't wanted their other halves just to conveniently disappear? Happens in every marriage.
- Does it? - Mm.
Some couples go on second honeymoon or join a book club.
But poison's so much more effective.
Some kinds can't even be detected in the bloodstream.
W well, if you say so.
What would be your chosen method? An axe? Erm, M Mr Harper? Erm It's all right, Mr Addis, I'll be right with you in just a m - You! - I was just talking.
- And listening.
- Oh Hope my wife wasn't bothering you.
- You're her husband? - Afraid so.
Tragic, isn't it? Come on.
Out.
I'll see you for dinner.
I have a little surprise for you.
Out.
This way.
You and your wife don't seem to be getting on too well, do you? Er, yeah, she's a crazy woman.
Must be.
Married me for my money.
(Chuckling) She did seem a little, erm, unstable.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Once she gets an idea in her head, there's no there's no stopping her.
Can I take your jacket, Mr Addis? Er, no.
No.
Brr! Erm, I think I'll keep it on.
OK.
OK.
If that's the way you want it.
Mm? You're not eating leg of lamb tonight, are you? Nope.
No.
Sounds like something I'd enjoy.
Erm, make yourself comfortable, Mr Addis, please.
- Erm, Mr Harper - Mm-hm? I I just think, for your own sake, that you ought to start being a bit nicer to your wife.
I think we should sedate you again, Mr Addis.
- But I'm only here for X-rays.
- We don't want them blurred, do we? (Susan) But poison's so much more effective.
Some kinds can't even be detected in the bloodstream.
- That's it! - What, Abi? That woman is guilty.
She is so hiding something.
Oh - Ah, Michael.
- Yes? Why don't you bring your new girlfriend home for dinner? - I haven't got one.
- Yes, you have.
Abi! - What's her name? - Luisa.
Aha! Where did you meet her? In the park.
A little pressure and he squeals like a pig.
Pathetic.
So, what do her parents do? Her mum's Janice.
She's five foot four.
Wow! Don't say you got taped evidence of the suspect.
Oh.
Yes, Michael.
And what is even more interesting, he sounds like a frightened man.
Especially when I mentioned axes.
Curiouser and curiouser.
I think we're onto something here, Lewis.
Come on.
- This case needs more thought.
- That stupid - In the pub.
but inspired Ah, Lewis, proper beer.
Would you stop calling me Lewis? - You know, there's something bothering me.
- You know, there's someone bothering me.
Why was Mr Addis so twitchy and nervous? Because he'd been cornered by a nutter who made him a nervous wreck.
It's the first time I've had to return a wallet under anaesthetic.
Did he say anything more about his wife? Funnily enough, he did.
Yes? He said she was on a trip to Alicante.
Oh! Mrs Addis is no more in Alicante than I am.
- It's obviously a fake alibi.
- You haven't got the hang of this.
It's the suspect who needs an alibi, not the corpse.
- So you admit there's a corpse? - Susan, would you drop it? Oh, yes.
They always want you to drop the case.
- Is it because I'm getting too close? - No.
Because this is rubbish.
It is not.
Come on, it's your round.
- OK, same again? - Not for you, Lewis, you're driving.
(# Woman singing opera on tape) Susan, would you turn that racket off? I need it to help me think outside the box.
This is my box.
Think outside your own.
- (Turns music off) - I don't know, Ben.
All the clues are there but I'm getting nowhere.
Perhaps I should wait for another murder.
Shouldn't be long.
I've lost my touch.
I haven't even got the dirt on Michael's new girlfriend.
- Maybe I should give up.
- Hallelujah! You're right! This is a time for celebration.
It's always when Morse is about to give up that the answer is staring him in the face.
- And it's something Lewis says.
- Shut up and go to sleep.
No, that's not it.
There was something you said in the pub.
What was it? Oh.
"Don't forget the pork scratchings"? Come on, Ben! What was it? Oh, this is gonna keep me up all night.
Really? Well since you're awake anyway How can you think about sex when a woman may be lying dismembered under a shed? It's a gift.
Yeah.
Yeah, I do, too.
Course I (Clears throat) you.
What, you mean say the actual word? - (Door closes) - Er, gotta go.
Someone's coming.
Yeah, night.
OK.
Ah, Mikey, there you are.
It's late.
Cut to the chase.
- OK, it's your mum.
- It's your wife.
Look, Mikey, it's 2.
30 in the morning.
She's out there looking for evidence.
You've got to help me.
You started all this with the Morse box set.
I didn't know she'd get this obsessed.
God Next time, I'll get her a set of Emmanuelle DVDs.
You do need help.
Michael, you've got to talk to her about girls.
- What girls? - Any girls! Just girls.
Get her obsessing about your love life, like a normal Susan.
I'm sorry, Dad.
I'd love to help but she doesn't seem interested any more.
Well, make her interested.
You Tell her about your new girlfriend.
What? Like she's a sexy, international supermodel? Something she'd believe, OK? - Tough one.
- How tough? What the hell I knew it was something you said in the pub.
You said it was rubbish.
And it is.
Mr Addis's rubbish.
I'll give you 60, but make it good! Doing a jigsaw, Susan? Sort of.
I'm piecing together this letter I found in Mr Addis's bin liner.
If I can decipher it, I may just crack this case.
"Half a pound of haddock.
" "One tin of spaghetti hoops.
" Pity.
What now? What would Morse do? - With a haddock? - Lewis! I'm not Lewis, Susan.
Ben is.
Ah, Michael.
- Mm? - When's Luisa coming for dinner? Well, Mum, I'm glad you brought that up, because I think what you should do next is tail Mr Addis all day.
See what he gets up to, where he goes, note everything down, take photos.
You could borrow Dad's digital camera.
Michael.
You're a genius! - Michael.
- What now? Turn the lights out.
Don't worry, it's the Braille edition.
Ben, come here.
Mr Addis is skulking behind that lamp post.
Susan, Mr Addis did not kill his wife! And if he did, well, that's life.
Come here and talk to me about Michael's new girlfriend.
I can't think about trivia now.
I've been following Mr Addis all day and he's behaving very oddly.
Yes, because you've been following him all day! He's dressed very strangely.
Really? Oh, yes.
He's wearing a trilby, dark glasses and a trench coat.
What a weirdo! Why is he out there? - He wants to silence me.
- In my dreams.
Or you.
Maybe he's after you.
Yes.
Who witnessed his confession? You.
Who's he following? You.
Who's his dentist? You.
Who's sick of this? Me.
If I were you, I'd be afraid.
Very afraid.
If you were me, you'd enjoy a beer and watch Britain's Worst Drivers, Apart From Janey.
- Right, I'm gonna search his house.
- Susan! You are not! - I am.
- He'll find you there and kill you.
Don't be stupid.
He's lurking outside the house waiting for the right moment to kill you.
Think, Lewis.
Think.
There's always a second body.
(Growling) Michael! Come here.
I want my 60 quid, and now! - Er, coursework.
- Come, Michael! Come here! Ow! (Tutting) "RIP, shweethard.
" (Door closes) Ow! - (Screaming) - (Screams) - Who are you? - Who are you? No! Who are you? This is my house.
- No.
It's Mr Addis's house.
- I'm his wife! - Mrs Addis? - Yes, that wife.
Fine.
OK.
If you're his wife who's this woman he's got his arm around? His sister! Oh, really? Very likely.
His sister.
Right.
The secret sister the family never met? Hardly.
I've just spent a week with her in Alicante.
Oh.
He said you were dead.
Makes a change from "My wife doesn't understand me.
" Where is the two-timing git? Upstairs in bed? No, he's round at my place.
In disguise.
I think he's after my husband.
Right, gotcha! - How long have you been waiting there? - Hours.
Where's my 60 quid? I put it in the bank.
At this time of night? I did it online.
- I gave you cash.
- Got a holographic modem.
What's that? Well, you scan the banknotes into the feeder slot, which converts them into cyber-pennies, which then transmatterates them directly into my account.
Well, transmatterate them back.
You can't do it twice.
They'll disintegrate.
You can't fool me, I'm not your mother! If you can transmatterate them one way you can transmatterate them back! Where's my cash? Oh, look! Mr Addis has gone to a closer bush.
Right Well, thanks for trying to avenge my murder, Susan.
Any time, Samantha.
There's one thing I don't understand, though.
Why is your husband spying on our place? - I think I've got a confession to make.
- Yes? You see, I gave him some murder-mystery DVDs to cheer him up while I was away.
The trouble is, he gets completely hooked.
Bonkers, isn't it? That's probably why he was confessing murder in his sleep.
And that's why he's round at our place now.
Probably on some imaginary stakeout.
I bet he watched the whole set at once, the silly, square-eyed twit.
I suppose some people find those sort of programmes a bit addictive.
Well, I can see why.
The detective's mind at work is shown so brilliantly.
I know.
The way he follows his leads, the toying with the suspect, the piecing together of clues, the final twist.
So you're a fan of Inspector Frost, too? No! Inspector Morse.
Morse? Frost? I think I'd better be getting back.
Yes.
- He's still there.
- Abi, please! He's been standing there all night, just watching the house.
Well, obviously, he's after you, Ben.
- No.
He's just racked with indecision.
- About how to kill you? About whether to opt for an implant or a bridge.
- Mm.
Or a machete.
- Oh! Where is he now? Ah.
Hah! He's gone.
Thank God for that.
Agh! Mr Harper, don't say a word.
You're a dead man! - You don't mean that.
Calm down.
- Where's your wife? In the kitchen, sharpening knives.
Coming along, darling? - Shh! Don't! - Too late.
She'll be here in a minute.
- I'll be quick.
You're going to die.
- No! Yes, you are.
Believe me.
Your wife Yes, it's all her fault.
She just loves murder m - You know? - Yes.
- Everything? - I promise not to say a word.
- Just don't kill me, I beg you! - What? Ben, Ben! It's OK! Phew.
What what's OK? I was gonna say it's all been a silly misunderstanding.
I've seen Mrs Addis and she's alive.
Ah.
Great.
So what do we do now? - Hello, Mr Addis.
- Hello.
Back with us again? Don't hurt me! Please.
- Must be the anaesthetic.
- Yes.
People do have the weirdest dreams.
- Susan.
- Mm? Why is that shifty-looking man digging a hole? Because it's Alan Titchmarsh.
Oh.
(Photographers) Luisa.
Luisa! (Shutters whirring) Ben Michael's dating a supermodel! Yeah, yeah.
Here we go again.