NewsRadio (1995) s05e08 Episode Script
Clash of the Titans (3)
"In 1971, a man calling himself D.
B.
Cooper "hijacked an airplane and escaped "with over $200,000 in ransom money.
"Today, billionaire industrialist Jimmy James "stands trial for that crime.
The prosecution rested yesterday" If Mr.
James gets put in a prison, what happens then? Oh, it'll be rough on him, but he'll make it.
No, I-- I mean, you-- You won't leave us, will you? Never, champ.
Yeah, but what if--? Would a bear hug shut you up? You know it.
Come on, Dave.
Bear hug.
No.
The defense team is now entering the court.
Well, hi, Lisa.
Hi, Mr.
James.
Uh, thanks, fellas.
I mean, uh, hello, Lisa Miller of radio station WNYX, New York's AM news leader.
Hi.
Hi.
Mr.
James, how do you plan to respond to prosecution's charges that you are, in fact, the legendary skyjacker, D.
B.
Cooper? Uh, I will beat the white devil by whatever means necessary.
Excuse me? Oh, no, don't mind me.
No, I-- I've been reading Malcolm X lately and I just wanted to say, fight the power, kids.
I want to give a big ups to all my peeps in lockdown, and University of Florida Gators rule! [LAUGHS.]
Okay, let's do this.
[.]
So, Mr.
James, you do not deny that that green duffel bag which was used in the skyjacking, has been in your sole possession for the past 28 years? That is correct.
[INDISTINCT MURMURS.]
Aw, jeez, they gonna do that every time I answer a question? I mean, come on.
[INDISTINCT MURMURS.]
You see what I'm talking about, judge? Champagne anyone? Oh, Johnny, you're drowning your sorrows in a bottle of very expensive champagne.
No, celebrating.
Who's in? I wouldn't mind having a snootful.
I don't think so.
Why are you celebrating, boss? Mr.
James is going to jail.
You want to take this one, Dave? [SIGHS.]
All right.
Johnny wants Mr.
James to go to jail.
It's all part of his evil plan.
You know, the evil plan I've been warning you about for weeks? Bingo.
So, Mr.
James, would you care to tell the court how you came into the possession of the duffel bag that belonged to Mr.
D.
B.
Cooper? The story is as follows: I-- I was camping, you know, all alone by myself, just trying to get my head straight, enjoying some freeze-dried turkey loaf in God's country when, boom.
Boom? Yeah, boom.
This guy comes parachuting out of the sky.
Lands on my pup tent and asks me to give him a lift into town.
Uh-huh.
So you just gave this guy a ride? Yeah, can you believe it? After he trashed my tent.
Oh, well, he seemed cool so, uh, after I dropped him off, I noticed that he left his duffel bag in the back of my van and it was-- It was empty.
Mm-hm.
Yes, well, this is a very convenient alibi that you've concocted here, Mr.
James.
Thank you.
Yes.
And I suppose now that you're gonna tell the court you have no idea who this mysterious stranger was or where he could be located today.
Well, yeah, I know who it was.
It was Adam West.
Adam West? Yeah.
Batman? That's the one.
No.
Adam West is not D.
B.
Cooper.
I'm afraid I was, Your Honor.
Again, Jimmy, I'm really sorry I got you mixed up in this mess.
Oh, don't worry about it.
It's the least I could do for the kids of America.
You're D.
B.
Cooper? I am, Your Honor.
I was short on cash.
I had bad representation.
I was desperate.
For 28 years I had this on my conscience but-- Adam? I was the guy who jumped out of that plane Adam? with that green satch-- Yes? You want to wrap it up? Of course.
I surrender.
I throw myself on the mercy of this court.
[SIGHS.]
Judge not a man by the size of his shoes-- JIMMY: Adam! Sorry.
You gonna cuff me or what? [.]
Hey, hey, hey, I'm back.
[ALL CHEER.]
Hi, everybody! Hi! There's my little Beth.
Ow-- Ow.
Ooh.
What? Are you gonna shave that prison scruff? Oh, no, no, no, no.
I thought I'd let it grow out a little bit because I'm a bona fide folk hero now, you know? Mr.
James, you're better than a folk hero.
Dude, you know Batman.
Yeah.
That's true.
Well, I made you a little present here-- What's--? Now, look at that! That's a picture of my jail cell.
Yes, it is.
You know, it's just so you can remember it forever.
Yeah.
See? I got your bunk beds there, and there's the toilet.
Mm-hm.
Yeah.
There's that guy in the cell next to you who wanted my home address.
Remember him? Yeah.
Thanks a-- Thanks a lot, Matt.
Okay.
Hey, Mr.
James? Yeah? I, for one, would like to offer you my sincerest congratulations.
That's mighty nice of you.
Yes.
And I should also like to point out that unlike some people here, I was never fooled for one second by that evil Johnny Johnson.
That's a lie.
You've been dancing around Johnny like a trained monkey.
All right, wait.
I have a question.
So does anyone here like a tattletale? Anyone? Show of hands? Okay.
Where's, uh--? Where's Johnny right now? Uh, he's waiting in my office like a lamb waiting for the slaughter.
You want me to slaughter him? Yes, please.
All right.
The Angel of Death has spoken.
Okay.
You can watch if you want.
Uh, could you just try to go easy on him, Mr.
James? What? Well, fire him, yeah.
Fire him.
Just-- Just don't hurt his mouth.
Can do.
Johnny.
Jimmy.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
[CHUCKLES.]
You old dog.
You look like, uh, you lost a little weight, huh? Yeah.
Three words: Yeah.
fiber, fiber, fiber.
I heard, uh-- I heard you proposed to Lisa.
Yeah.
She turned me down.
Oh, that's too bad.
It bugged her that I was trying to steal your empire away from you.
[LAUGHS.]
Women.
Yeah, tell-- Tell me about it.
Don't get me wrong.
I love the ladies.
I just don't understand them.
Yeah, well, you-- You call me when you do, because I'm like a blind man in a bookstore myself.
You know what I mean? You got that straight.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
By the way, you're fired.
Ha! You do know that while you were on the lam the board of directors elected me CEO of Jimmy James Incorporated.
Right.
Right, Johnny.
Yeah, my board of directors would never do that to me.
Of course, uh, I never thought my board of directors would be given naked hot-tub orgies either.
I guess you blackmailed them, huh? No, I bribed them.
And we had a naked hot-tub orgy.
You evil son of a gun.
Guilty as charged.
I'll beat you in court.
Maybe.
But that would take what, 10 years or so? Just long enough to see J.
James Incorporated turned into a penny stock.
All right.
You win.
Hm? Excuse me.
Speaking as the Angel of Death, I'd like you not to give up.
Dave, Dave, what can I say? The guy beat me.
Well, s-s-s-sir, you-- Dave, don't you get it? I'm ruined.
Tell you what.
I'll throw you a bone.
Anything in particular you want? WNYX.
Oh, well, thank God for that.
Be real.
This is the heart of the beast.
How about that chain of Internet cafés? Oh, you mean, Hot Cup of Web? Thought I, uh-- Thought I unloaded that dog already.
Tried.
Couldn't.
It's yours.
Okay, I'll take it.
But I'll need help.
Could I take, uh--? Take the staff here with me? The entire staff? Why don't I just give you the station? Okay.
Well, how about, uh, three employees? One employee.
Two employees? How about one employee and Matthew? How about one employee? Deal.
You got until 5:00 to make your selection.
Okay.
Oh-- Oh, Johnny.
By the way, uh, you know when I-- I told you you'd-- You'd lost some weight? Yeah.
Well, I lied.
You look like hell.
Go find a treadmill, you fat son of a bitch.
Hot Cup of Web? I can explain.
No, I got nothing.
No, you said you could explain.
Explain.
Come on.
Now, Dave-- Dave, come on.
You-- You were there.
I mean, the guy beat me.
Do you even know what an Internet café is? No.
Joe? It's a place where lonely teenagers go to drink cappuccino and download pornography.
Well, there you go.
Well, there you go, Dave.
I mean, teenagers love pornography.
I'll be back on top in no time.
I'm gonna go talk to Johnny.
Okay.
Tell him he's looking a little chunky, would you, honey? That's-- That's-- That's the best you can do? I mean, the guy ruins you, and your response is to make him self-conscious about his weight? Okay, I have a question.
Yeah? Okay, Mr.
James, you do have a plan, right? Yeah.
Okay.
See, David? Don't stop believing.
All right.
Well, then, what is this plan? Okay, everybody, could you just please come over here for a second? [CLEARS THROAT.]
I, all right? Mm-hm.
I am gonna get my empire back from Johnny [GIGGLES.]
someway somehow.
That's it? That's an awesome plan.
Thanks, Joe.
I have a way to make it even awesomer.
What's that, Matthew? Well, first, A, get the empire back Right.
and then, B, you take everyone out for banana splits.
Well, that's good.
Yeah.
That's good, Matthew.
See? Uh-huh.
But you know what? I gotta be careful that I don't get the plan too complicated.
You know what I mean? Yeah.
MATTHEW: All right.
That plan sucks.
Hello? Yeah, except, uh-- Except for the ice cream part which is mine, I-- I have to say.
Okay, whatever.
I, for one, am not gonna stand for this.
What? Whoo! Hey, Dave, how come I wasn't invited to the anti-Johnny movement? Because you're in love with Johnny.
Jealous? [.]
BETH: My country 'tis of thee Sweet land of liberty Of thee I sing Sir, what the hell is she doing? Huh? Oh, oh, she's protesting, Dave.
She says she's not gonna stop singing until Johnny gives me my empire back.
I know, I know.
I-it's kind of out there.
But take it from an old hippie like myself, this is-- This is just the kind of thing that can jump-start a movement, know what I mean? Land of the pilgrim's pride From every mountainside Let freedom ring Mikey, kill the feed.
Put us on to a national news broadcast for the rest of the day.
BETH: of thee I sing Land where my father-- ANNOUNCER: Salmonella poisoning is proof Americans refuse to take-- Ah, there's my girl.
Um, just sit down, okay? Because this is hard enough as it is.
Is somebody giving you a hard time? You give me their social security number.
I'll have them terminated.
By terminated, I mean killed.
Well, no, that won't be necessary, Johnny.
But, um, thank you.
Any time.
Now, what's on your prodigious mind? Well I would like you to give Jimmy his empire back.
I know you do, sweetie.
Anything else? I'm serious.
If you don't give him his empire back, we're through.
It's me or the empire, okay? This is me and this is the empire.
Okay.
Ah, ah, ah! I wanna make this perfectly clear to you.
Me the empire.
That's easy.
I choose you.
Oh, Johnny.
And the empire.
No.
It doesn't work that way.
It's me or the empire.
All right.
Have you noticed how good-looking guys with really nice cars get lots of dates? Now, imagine a really good-looking guy, a nice car and an empire.
You do the math.
You're so crazy.
By the way, the correct answer was me.
Psst.
Mr.
James.
Huh? Max, aren't you supposed to be in the booth? I-I can't.
Beth's still protesting.
Oh, yeah.
Listen, M-Mr.
James, I want you to know that I'm not friends with Johnny anymore.
I could never be friends with someone who hurt you.
Thank you, Max.
No problem.
Hey, boss.
Hot towel? It's lukewarm at best.
You're a wicked one, Max Lewis.
[CHUCKLES.]
Wait.
Listen, Mr.
James? Yeah? Uh, I know you get to take one employee with you when you go.
That's right.
And, uh, it grieves me to say this, but I don't think you should pick me.
Neither do I.
Obviously the choice is between Dave and Lisa.
All right.
Well, now you're obviously in denial.
I just think that the station needs me.
I could never rest in my campaign to inconvenience Johnny.
Okay.
You're not gonna go quietly, are you? I'm not going at all, captain.
What's on your mind? Forget about my mind, dude.
This is strictly about my fists of steel.
And that's too bad, 'cause in a different world I think we probably coulda hung out.
So you're gonna beat me out of this office? Yeah.
You leave me no choice but to bring it on.
Well, fair enough.
How do you feel about nunchucks? See, I knew we coulda hung out.
MATTHEW: Joseph? Is this guy bothering you? No.
Get outta here.
I told you, I'll take care of this myself.
Hey, I read you.
I'm just here for backup.
You go ahead and kick his ass.
What you got in that towel there, Matthew? In here? Just some old oranges, that's all.
Really? Yeah.
Interesting thing about oranges in a towel.
Somebody accidentally gets, say, beaten with 'em, no bruises.
Looks like you've got a bunch of peeled orange slices in here.
Yeah, I know.
I-- My mom peels them for me because I have very soft nails.
Dude, get-- Get outta here.
Go.
Back up, Joe.
I'm just-- I'm right here for you.
This is your last warning.
Leave now or get the beating of your life.
Yeah, and remember, if you get through Joe, I'm right here behind him.
Dude-- Dude, stop pressing against me like What--? What are you doing? What--? Can you feel me, Joe? I'm right here.
Dude! Back up.
You're ruining everything! You stay right there, little missy.
Keep your panties on.
[.]
JOHNNY: Hey, Dave.
Hey, Johnny.
Is that any way to greet your boss? You know, I'm not exactly thrilled to have you as a boss.
Well, I'm thrilled as heck to have you as an employee, huh? How's that make you feel? I don't know.
What are you--? What are you shooting for here? Disdain? Nausea? Contempt? Dave, the Johnny Johnson Express is leaving the station.
And I'm offering you a seat in first class.
Look, I'll work for you, all right? I'm under contract.
But I'm never gonna be your friend.
All right? Boutonniere, boss? Thanks, champ.
It's wilted.
All right, Dave.
Have it your way.
I stretched my hand out in brotherhood and you did one of those things.
Max? Here you go, Dave.
Yeah, what the hell's that supposed to be? That's your new desk.
You're my new cub reporter.
Johnny, ahem, it's not for me to say, but I think, uh, you're making a big mistake.
Jimmy, please don't tell me how to run your business.
Which again is now mine.
All right.
If you demote Dave who's gonna be the new news director? Oh, not a problem.
Here's your first scoop, kid.
There's a new news director that's been appointed at WNYX.
And his name's Johnny Johnson.
Sorry, Dave.
It's all right.
It's not really your fault, is it? You know what? I haven't had much to laugh at lately.
Uh, would you mind? Mind? Get-- You know.
Oh, well, what the hell.
Uh-huh.
[GRUNTING.]
There you go.
I'm sitting at a little desk.
Does that amuse you? Not as much as I thought.
Well, you know, I'm not doing this for my own amusement.
No, you're doing it for mine.
Heh-heh! Hang on, I'm gonna get a camera.
[.]
Johnny.
Jimmy.
It's getting a little late, so I thought I'd just take my, uh, employee and get out of your hair.
Well, don't hurry on my account.
I enjoy watching you twist in the wind.
Yeah, well.
The show's over, lardass.
Who are you gonna take with you? Well, actually, I thought, uh-- I thought you could help me out with that.
Hey, guys? Guys, could you come here and line up for me, please? I really appreciate-- That's great.
That's great.
Don't they all look great? You have such-- Such fine specimens.
It's so hard, so hard to make a decision.
Do you want me to take my shirt off? Dude, you're making me really uncomfortable.
What? All right, who are you gonna pick? Okay.
Ahem.
All right.
I pick you.
[CHATTERING.]
Hey.
I've been getting that all morning.
That's cute, lunchmeat.
But you can't pick me.
You said I could pick any employee of WNYX.
Yeah, but I'm not an employee.
You weren't this morning.
But, uh, didn't you just take the position of news director? [CHATTERING.]
What did I just say? [SIGHS.]
You got me.
You mean you're actually giving up? Well, I had to, sweetness.
The man beat me fair and square.
But you're evil.
That's no excuse for poor sportsmanship.
MAX: Johnny? Yeah? You suck.
[MOUTHS.]
Call me.
[MOUTHED DIALOGUE.]
Well, beautiful piece of work, Jimmy.
You were what, six steps ahead of me the whole time? Seven, but who's counting? You're fired.
Now get out.
Fine.
But, uh, believe me, I will be back and when I am, in all sincerity, all of you will serve me.
Especially you, Lisa.
Cutie.
God bless.
Congratulations.
Thank you, men.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
All right.
Thank you.
Thank you.
[HOARSELY.]
Mr.
James, did my protest work? What? Did my protest work? Yeah.
ALL: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Thank you.
I did it all.
Thank you for saving my empire.
Mr.
James, I think it might be time for part B of the plan.
What's that, Matthew? Ice cream.
Yeah, you know what? I-- I actually happen to know a bar that, uh, serves ice cream.
Let's go.
JOE: Excellent.
JIMMY: Yes.
All right.
Oh, and Mr.
James? Yeah? Tell me something.
Uh, did you really have a plan? Or was that just dumb luck? Oh, Dave, Dave.
What you think of as-- As dumb luck is actually Let's go get that drink.
[.]
[.]
B.
Cooper "hijacked an airplane and escaped "with over $200,000 in ransom money.
"Today, billionaire industrialist Jimmy James "stands trial for that crime.
The prosecution rested yesterday" If Mr.
James gets put in a prison, what happens then? Oh, it'll be rough on him, but he'll make it.
No, I-- I mean, you-- You won't leave us, will you? Never, champ.
Yeah, but what if--? Would a bear hug shut you up? You know it.
Come on, Dave.
Bear hug.
No.
The defense team is now entering the court.
Well, hi, Lisa.
Hi, Mr.
James.
Uh, thanks, fellas.
I mean, uh, hello, Lisa Miller of radio station WNYX, New York's AM news leader.
Hi.
Hi.
Mr.
James, how do you plan to respond to prosecution's charges that you are, in fact, the legendary skyjacker, D.
B.
Cooper? Uh, I will beat the white devil by whatever means necessary.
Excuse me? Oh, no, don't mind me.
No, I-- I've been reading Malcolm X lately and I just wanted to say, fight the power, kids.
I want to give a big ups to all my peeps in lockdown, and University of Florida Gators rule! [LAUGHS.]
Okay, let's do this.
[.]
So, Mr.
James, you do not deny that that green duffel bag which was used in the skyjacking, has been in your sole possession for the past 28 years? That is correct.
[INDISTINCT MURMURS.]
Aw, jeez, they gonna do that every time I answer a question? I mean, come on.
[INDISTINCT MURMURS.]
You see what I'm talking about, judge? Champagne anyone? Oh, Johnny, you're drowning your sorrows in a bottle of very expensive champagne.
No, celebrating.
Who's in? I wouldn't mind having a snootful.
I don't think so.
Why are you celebrating, boss? Mr.
James is going to jail.
You want to take this one, Dave? [SIGHS.]
All right.
Johnny wants Mr.
James to go to jail.
It's all part of his evil plan.
You know, the evil plan I've been warning you about for weeks? Bingo.
So, Mr.
James, would you care to tell the court how you came into the possession of the duffel bag that belonged to Mr.
D.
B.
Cooper? The story is as follows: I-- I was camping, you know, all alone by myself, just trying to get my head straight, enjoying some freeze-dried turkey loaf in God's country when, boom.
Boom? Yeah, boom.
This guy comes parachuting out of the sky.
Lands on my pup tent and asks me to give him a lift into town.
Uh-huh.
So you just gave this guy a ride? Yeah, can you believe it? After he trashed my tent.
Oh, well, he seemed cool so, uh, after I dropped him off, I noticed that he left his duffel bag in the back of my van and it was-- It was empty.
Mm-hm.
Yes, well, this is a very convenient alibi that you've concocted here, Mr.
James.
Thank you.
Yes.
And I suppose now that you're gonna tell the court you have no idea who this mysterious stranger was or where he could be located today.
Well, yeah, I know who it was.
It was Adam West.
Adam West? Yeah.
Batman? That's the one.
No.
Adam West is not D.
B.
Cooper.
I'm afraid I was, Your Honor.
Again, Jimmy, I'm really sorry I got you mixed up in this mess.
Oh, don't worry about it.
It's the least I could do for the kids of America.
You're D.
B.
Cooper? I am, Your Honor.
I was short on cash.
I had bad representation.
I was desperate.
For 28 years I had this on my conscience but-- Adam? I was the guy who jumped out of that plane Adam? with that green satch-- Yes? You want to wrap it up? Of course.
I surrender.
I throw myself on the mercy of this court.
[SIGHS.]
Judge not a man by the size of his shoes-- JIMMY: Adam! Sorry.
You gonna cuff me or what? [.]
Hey, hey, hey, I'm back.
[ALL CHEER.]
Hi, everybody! Hi! There's my little Beth.
Ow-- Ow.
Ooh.
What? Are you gonna shave that prison scruff? Oh, no, no, no, no.
I thought I'd let it grow out a little bit because I'm a bona fide folk hero now, you know? Mr.
James, you're better than a folk hero.
Dude, you know Batman.
Yeah.
That's true.
Well, I made you a little present here-- What's--? Now, look at that! That's a picture of my jail cell.
Yes, it is.
You know, it's just so you can remember it forever.
Yeah.
See? I got your bunk beds there, and there's the toilet.
Mm-hm.
Yeah.
There's that guy in the cell next to you who wanted my home address.
Remember him? Yeah.
Thanks a-- Thanks a lot, Matt.
Okay.
Hey, Mr.
James? Yeah? I, for one, would like to offer you my sincerest congratulations.
That's mighty nice of you.
Yes.
And I should also like to point out that unlike some people here, I was never fooled for one second by that evil Johnny Johnson.
That's a lie.
You've been dancing around Johnny like a trained monkey.
All right, wait.
I have a question.
So does anyone here like a tattletale? Anyone? Show of hands? Okay.
Where's, uh--? Where's Johnny right now? Uh, he's waiting in my office like a lamb waiting for the slaughter.
You want me to slaughter him? Yes, please.
All right.
The Angel of Death has spoken.
Okay.
You can watch if you want.
Uh, could you just try to go easy on him, Mr.
James? What? Well, fire him, yeah.
Fire him.
Just-- Just don't hurt his mouth.
Can do.
Johnny.
Jimmy.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
[CHUCKLES.]
You old dog.
You look like, uh, you lost a little weight, huh? Yeah.
Three words: Yeah.
fiber, fiber, fiber.
I heard, uh-- I heard you proposed to Lisa.
Yeah.
She turned me down.
Oh, that's too bad.
It bugged her that I was trying to steal your empire away from you.
[LAUGHS.]
Women.
Yeah, tell-- Tell me about it.
Don't get me wrong.
I love the ladies.
I just don't understand them.
Yeah, well, you-- You call me when you do, because I'm like a blind man in a bookstore myself.
You know what I mean? You got that straight.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
By the way, you're fired.
Ha! You do know that while you were on the lam the board of directors elected me CEO of Jimmy James Incorporated.
Right.
Right, Johnny.
Yeah, my board of directors would never do that to me.
Of course, uh, I never thought my board of directors would be given naked hot-tub orgies either.
I guess you blackmailed them, huh? No, I bribed them.
And we had a naked hot-tub orgy.
You evil son of a gun.
Guilty as charged.
I'll beat you in court.
Maybe.
But that would take what, 10 years or so? Just long enough to see J.
James Incorporated turned into a penny stock.
All right.
You win.
Hm? Excuse me.
Speaking as the Angel of Death, I'd like you not to give up.
Dave, Dave, what can I say? The guy beat me.
Well, s-s-s-sir, you-- Dave, don't you get it? I'm ruined.
Tell you what.
I'll throw you a bone.
Anything in particular you want? WNYX.
Oh, well, thank God for that.
Be real.
This is the heart of the beast.
How about that chain of Internet cafés? Oh, you mean, Hot Cup of Web? Thought I, uh-- Thought I unloaded that dog already.
Tried.
Couldn't.
It's yours.
Okay, I'll take it.
But I'll need help.
Could I take, uh--? Take the staff here with me? The entire staff? Why don't I just give you the station? Okay.
Well, how about, uh, three employees? One employee.
Two employees? How about one employee and Matthew? How about one employee? Deal.
You got until 5:00 to make your selection.
Okay.
Oh-- Oh, Johnny.
By the way, uh, you know when I-- I told you you'd-- You'd lost some weight? Yeah.
Well, I lied.
You look like hell.
Go find a treadmill, you fat son of a bitch.
Hot Cup of Web? I can explain.
No, I got nothing.
No, you said you could explain.
Explain.
Come on.
Now, Dave-- Dave, come on.
You-- You were there.
I mean, the guy beat me.
Do you even know what an Internet café is? No.
Joe? It's a place where lonely teenagers go to drink cappuccino and download pornography.
Well, there you go.
Well, there you go, Dave.
I mean, teenagers love pornography.
I'll be back on top in no time.
I'm gonna go talk to Johnny.
Okay.
Tell him he's looking a little chunky, would you, honey? That's-- That's-- That's the best you can do? I mean, the guy ruins you, and your response is to make him self-conscious about his weight? Okay, I have a question.
Yeah? Okay, Mr.
James, you do have a plan, right? Yeah.
Okay.
See, David? Don't stop believing.
All right.
Well, then, what is this plan? Okay, everybody, could you just please come over here for a second? [CLEARS THROAT.]
I, all right? Mm-hm.
I am gonna get my empire back from Johnny [GIGGLES.]
someway somehow.
That's it? That's an awesome plan.
Thanks, Joe.
I have a way to make it even awesomer.
What's that, Matthew? Well, first, A, get the empire back Right.
and then, B, you take everyone out for banana splits.
Well, that's good.
Yeah.
That's good, Matthew.
See? Uh-huh.
But you know what? I gotta be careful that I don't get the plan too complicated.
You know what I mean? Yeah.
MATTHEW: All right.
That plan sucks.
Hello? Yeah, except, uh-- Except for the ice cream part which is mine, I-- I have to say.
Okay, whatever.
I, for one, am not gonna stand for this.
What? Whoo! Hey, Dave, how come I wasn't invited to the anti-Johnny movement? Because you're in love with Johnny.
Jealous? [.]
BETH: My country 'tis of thee Sweet land of liberty Of thee I sing Sir, what the hell is she doing? Huh? Oh, oh, she's protesting, Dave.
She says she's not gonna stop singing until Johnny gives me my empire back.
I know, I know.
I-it's kind of out there.
But take it from an old hippie like myself, this is-- This is just the kind of thing that can jump-start a movement, know what I mean? Land of the pilgrim's pride From every mountainside Let freedom ring Mikey, kill the feed.
Put us on to a national news broadcast for the rest of the day.
BETH: of thee I sing Land where my father-- ANNOUNCER: Salmonella poisoning is proof Americans refuse to take-- Ah, there's my girl.
Um, just sit down, okay? Because this is hard enough as it is.
Is somebody giving you a hard time? You give me their social security number.
I'll have them terminated.
By terminated, I mean killed.
Well, no, that won't be necessary, Johnny.
But, um, thank you.
Any time.
Now, what's on your prodigious mind? Well I would like you to give Jimmy his empire back.
I know you do, sweetie.
Anything else? I'm serious.
If you don't give him his empire back, we're through.
It's me or the empire, okay? This is me and this is the empire.
Okay.
Ah, ah, ah! I wanna make this perfectly clear to you.
Me the empire.
That's easy.
I choose you.
Oh, Johnny.
And the empire.
No.
It doesn't work that way.
It's me or the empire.
All right.
Have you noticed how good-looking guys with really nice cars get lots of dates? Now, imagine a really good-looking guy, a nice car and an empire.
You do the math.
You're so crazy.
By the way, the correct answer was me.
Psst.
Mr.
James.
Huh? Max, aren't you supposed to be in the booth? I-I can't.
Beth's still protesting.
Oh, yeah.
Listen, M-Mr.
James, I want you to know that I'm not friends with Johnny anymore.
I could never be friends with someone who hurt you.
Thank you, Max.
No problem.
Hey, boss.
Hot towel? It's lukewarm at best.
You're a wicked one, Max Lewis.
[CHUCKLES.]
Wait.
Listen, Mr.
James? Yeah? Uh, I know you get to take one employee with you when you go.
That's right.
And, uh, it grieves me to say this, but I don't think you should pick me.
Neither do I.
Obviously the choice is between Dave and Lisa.
All right.
Well, now you're obviously in denial.
I just think that the station needs me.
I could never rest in my campaign to inconvenience Johnny.
Okay.
You're not gonna go quietly, are you? I'm not going at all, captain.
What's on your mind? Forget about my mind, dude.
This is strictly about my fists of steel.
And that's too bad, 'cause in a different world I think we probably coulda hung out.
So you're gonna beat me out of this office? Yeah.
You leave me no choice but to bring it on.
Well, fair enough.
How do you feel about nunchucks? See, I knew we coulda hung out.
MATTHEW: Joseph? Is this guy bothering you? No.
Get outta here.
I told you, I'll take care of this myself.
Hey, I read you.
I'm just here for backup.
You go ahead and kick his ass.
What you got in that towel there, Matthew? In here? Just some old oranges, that's all.
Really? Yeah.
Interesting thing about oranges in a towel.
Somebody accidentally gets, say, beaten with 'em, no bruises.
Looks like you've got a bunch of peeled orange slices in here.
Yeah, I know.
I-- My mom peels them for me because I have very soft nails.
Dude, get-- Get outta here.
Go.
Back up, Joe.
I'm just-- I'm right here for you.
This is your last warning.
Leave now or get the beating of your life.
Yeah, and remember, if you get through Joe, I'm right here behind him.
Dude-- Dude, stop pressing against me like What--? What are you doing? What--? Can you feel me, Joe? I'm right here.
Dude! Back up.
You're ruining everything! You stay right there, little missy.
Keep your panties on.
[.]
JOHNNY: Hey, Dave.
Hey, Johnny.
Is that any way to greet your boss? You know, I'm not exactly thrilled to have you as a boss.
Well, I'm thrilled as heck to have you as an employee, huh? How's that make you feel? I don't know.
What are you--? What are you shooting for here? Disdain? Nausea? Contempt? Dave, the Johnny Johnson Express is leaving the station.
And I'm offering you a seat in first class.
Look, I'll work for you, all right? I'm under contract.
But I'm never gonna be your friend.
All right? Boutonniere, boss? Thanks, champ.
It's wilted.
All right, Dave.
Have it your way.
I stretched my hand out in brotherhood and you did one of those things.
Max? Here you go, Dave.
Yeah, what the hell's that supposed to be? That's your new desk.
You're my new cub reporter.
Johnny, ahem, it's not for me to say, but I think, uh, you're making a big mistake.
Jimmy, please don't tell me how to run your business.
Which again is now mine.
All right.
If you demote Dave who's gonna be the new news director? Oh, not a problem.
Here's your first scoop, kid.
There's a new news director that's been appointed at WNYX.
And his name's Johnny Johnson.
Sorry, Dave.
It's all right.
It's not really your fault, is it? You know what? I haven't had much to laugh at lately.
Uh, would you mind? Mind? Get-- You know.
Oh, well, what the hell.
Uh-huh.
[GRUNTING.]
There you go.
I'm sitting at a little desk.
Does that amuse you? Not as much as I thought.
Well, you know, I'm not doing this for my own amusement.
No, you're doing it for mine.
Heh-heh! Hang on, I'm gonna get a camera.
[.]
Johnny.
Jimmy.
It's getting a little late, so I thought I'd just take my, uh, employee and get out of your hair.
Well, don't hurry on my account.
I enjoy watching you twist in the wind.
Yeah, well.
The show's over, lardass.
Who are you gonna take with you? Well, actually, I thought, uh-- I thought you could help me out with that.
Hey, guys? Guys, could you come here and line up for me, please? I really appreciate-- That's great.
That's great.
Don't they all look great? You have such-- Such fine specimens.
It's so hard, so hard to make a decision.
Do you want me to take my shirt off? Dude, you're making me really uncomfortable.
What? All right, who are you gonna pick? Okay.
Ahem.
All right.
I pick you.
[CHATTERING.]
Hey.
I've been getting that all morning.
That's cute, lunchmeat.
But you can't pick me.
You said I could pick any employee of WNYX.
Yeah, but I'm not an employee.
You weren't this morning.
But, uh, didn't you just take the position of news director? [CHATTERING.]
What did I just say? [SIGHS.]
You got me.
You mean you're actually giving up? Well, I had to, sweetness.
The man beat me fair and square.
But you're evil.
That's no excuse for poor sportsmanship.
MAX: Johnny? Yeah? You suck.
[MOUTHS.]
Call me.
[MOUTHED DIALOGUE.]
Well, beautiful piece of work, Jimmy.
You were what, six steps ahead of me the whole time? Seven, but who's counting? You're fired.
Now get out.
Fine.
But, uh, believe me, I will be back and when I am, in all sincerity, all of you will serve me.
Especially you, Lisa.
Cutie.
God bless.
Congratulations.
Thank you, men.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
All right.
Thank you.
Thank you.
[HOARSELY.]
Mr.
James, did my protest work? What? Did my protest work? Yeah.
ALL: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Thank you.
I did it all.
Thank you for saving my empire.
Mr.
James, I think it might be time for part B of the plan.
What's that, Matthew? Ice cream.
Yeah, you know what? I-- I actually happen to know a bar that, uh, serves ice cream.
Let's go.
JOE: Excellent.
JIMMY: Yes.
All right.
Oh, and Mr.
James? Yeah? Tell me something.
Uh, did you really have a plan? Or was that just dumb luck? Oh, Dave, Dave.
What you think of as-- As dumb luck is actually Let's go get that drink.
[.]
[.]