Parks and Recreation s05e08 Episode Script

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Welcome to "Thought For Your Thoughts.
" I'm your host Derry Murbles, sitting in for Nina Joplin, who is touring the country performing a spoken-word opera about pear-shaped women.
My guest today is City Councilwoman Leslie Knope.
It is a pleasure to be back, Derry.
Your show last week on dolphin lactation was just riveting radio.
Derry, my team and I are trying to build a park, and we need input on the design from you, the citizens of Pawnee.
So I guess I'm here to send out the Bat-Signal.
A Bat-Signal, for listeners who might not know, refers to the children's character "the Bat-Man" a strong gentleman who fights crime nocturnally.
That's correct.
Well put.
This park is going to be a celebration of Pawnee by Pawnee and for Pawnee.
So, you know, send in your plan or your resume And quick.
Please.
Hurry.
This is all gonna fall apart if you don't hurry.
Coming up after the break, movie reviews with Ken Tucker who is filling in for David Bianculli who's in New York filling in for Ken Tucker.
Leslie, would you like to introduce the next segment? Okay.
"Now it's time for 'Jazz Plus Jazz Equals Jazz, ' "today we have a recording of Benny Goodman played over a separate recording of Miles Davis.
" Research shows that our listeners love jazz.
All right, so this is a letter from what looks like a federal penitentiary.
"Here's a model "of what I thought the park could look like.
Also, I'm innocent.
Please find me a lawyer.
" I'm getting kind of worried.
I mean, we have not received one usable idea so far.
Hang on.
Look at this guy.
"30 years of experience "with a degree in architecture from the Royal Danish Academy of Fine Arts in Copenhagen.
" Wow! Beautiful fountain.
Perfectly manicured shrubbery.
This is like Parks Department porn.
This guy is great.
I don't care if he's some junkie war criminal pimp.
I am not gonna change my mind.
His name's Wreston St.
James.
He's from Eagleton.
Oh, I've changed my mind.
I'm not being melodramatic when I say that people from Eagleton are snobby and evil, and they look down on Pawnee, and they would most likely exterminate everyone who isn't from Eagleton if they weren't so busy being obsessed with themselves.
God, that was close.
Sometimes when I rant about Eagleton, I forget to breathe, and I pass out.
No.
We cannot have someone from Eagleton design a park for Pawnee.
We have had a blood feud that has lasted for 200 years.
Well, we don't have a lot of time, and he is the first decent candidate.
So let's at least go meet the guy.
Yeah, that's a good idea.
Then we can reject him face-to-face.
I like your plan.
Friends, former lovers, acquaintances, Jerry, I introduce you to the future home of Rent-A-Swag! Yikes.
Much like women in '90s stand-up comedy routines, Tommy be shopping.
I started a business where I rent my fancy clothes to teens so their parents don't have to buy them nice things they'll just grow out of.
So if you see a 14-year-old kid wearing a Louis Vuitton cravat, you know who to thank.
Me.
And Louis Vuitton for making some dope-ass cravats.
Son, I love wildlife, but is a store the best place for it? - Help.
- The place needs some work, but this is a great location.
Lots of foot traffic, no metered parking.
And it's well within my fiscal range.
Good use of the word fiscal, Tommy-- very upscale.
Very impressive.
Watching you gives me faith that anyone can reinvent themselves.
Tommy Timberlake is dead.
Long live Thomas M.
Haverford, responsible tycoon.
Help.
I can't move.
He designed this place? What a dump.
Ben! Leslie.
Hi! - Hi.
- Wreston St.
James.
- Thank you so much for coming.
- No, thank you.
Well, what do you think of our newest park? Eh.
In a word, underwhelming.
And a little inconvenient.
There's no trash cans anywhere.
What am I supposed to do with my garbage, - just throw it on the ground? - Oh, hey.
Thank you for the trash! Mr.
St.
James, I have to say, - this park is incredible.
- Thank you.
Its official name is "Five Mile Grounds", but we like to call it "Wide smiles abound.
" Because of all the smiles that occur? It's so boring.
Come on, I'll take you guys on a little tour.
Great.
He seems super-cool.
He seems cool.
Just you wait.
Well, they always wine and dine you first, but the fact of the matter is Eagletonians are, without exception, snobby, condescending jerks.
This is the Pawnee side of our border with Eagleton And this is the Eagleton side.
Ah.
Uhh.
Hey, babe, it's me.
Will you come down here, please, and keep me company? I'm so bored.
I need you.
If I come down there, can I at least break something? Of course, baby.
Anything.
You know that.
Chris gave me this great job as a weekend security guard at City Hall.
Only one problem-- it's a terrible job.
I did everything I was supposed to do, and I walked around the building four times.
Only 20 minutes has gone by.
Ugh! Thought maybe ten minutes had gone by since I started talking.
It's only been 15 seconds.
Ohh Oh, babe, thank God you're here.
I got so bored, I started thinking about existence-- "Do I matter? Do any of us? Is there a master plan in the works, a grand design?" - Just dumb stuff like that.
- Ugh! Who cares? I thought being a security guard would be exciting.
Nope.
Wait a minute.
Isn't this how all great Bert Macklin cases start? It's quiet.
A little too quiet.
As you can see, we like to keep things quite immaculate.
I remember when Pawnee had that massive sewage overflow in Circle Park-- whatever happened with that? - We totally fixed it.
- Well, except for the smell.
The scientists think it's going to linger for another 40 years.
Can we just cut to the chase here? Why would a fancy Eagleton architect like you want to design a tiny Pawnee park? Well, I heard your plea on the radio, and you were so passionate about the project.
It doesn't matter if it's a giant park like this or a little tiny pocket park.
It's about the people.
We're here to serve them.
Hey, Mr.
St.
James! Oh, our balloon artisan is out of balloons.
Excuse me.
I have chills.
Look at my arm.
Why are you so charmed by him? You're like a Southern belle when Rhett Butler comes around.
Yes.
Rhett Butler.
That's who he reminds me of.
Or Bono! What? No one from Eagleton has ever wanted to help anyone from Pawnee for any reason.
In 1988, we were hit by a tornado.
We asked Eagleton for help, and they claimed they weren't home.
An entire town claimed they weren't home.
I don't trust that guy for a second.
Leslie, look what Wreston commissioned from the balloon artisan.
It's us.
Great work, team.
Donna, you and your work are ravishing, as usual.
Ann, great organizational skills.
Wow.
Genuine praise.
It's a tip I picked up from Lee Iacocca's autobiography.
A small connection between you and your workers helps build loyalty.
Jerry! How's the old ticker? Oh.
Well, uh, the rehab is grueling-- Great! Glad to hear it.
Yo, Roomba, drop a beat! Hi ho, hi ho Rent-A-Swag is gonna be the opposite of Entertainment720.
This is my last chance.
If this goes down in flames, I will have nothing except my looks.
I could always pimp myself out to hot older ladies.
I need to remember that.
May, 1817.
A scrappy group of frontiersmen and women arrive at a hardscrabble chunk of land and call it Pawnee, Indiana.
We owe them a debt of gratitude.
Mm.
June, 1817, the richest among them take all of their money from the bank and then flee up the hill like cowards to form Eagleton.
Recognize any of your ancestors among the meanies? Actually, like most people from the area, I have ancestors on both sides.
That's why I think this rivalry is just a little silly - and self-defeating.
- Yeah, you may not know this, but Leslie was actually born in Eagleton.
Do not blame me for the sins of my mother.
Look, Ms.
Knope, I'm really trying here, but I just don't know if our working together is such a great idea.
Oh running away so soon.
Typical.
You know, say what you want about Pawneeans, but we never give up.
We have a mural called "The Many Surrenders of Pawnee.
" Oh, look who's paying attention to me now! Okay.
Can I speak to you privately for a minute? The name is special agent Bert Macklin.
Tell me who you are, who you work for, and don't bother trying to lie to me, because I'm amazing.
My name is Judy Hitler, and I am the spoiled only daughter of Adolf.
And I'm going to tell my Daddy you were mean to me, Bert Macklin.
He's not going to like it very much.
- So untie me! - Nice try, Miss Hitler, but you have something that I want.
Where's the necklace with all of Germany's war secrets? I don't know what you are talking about.
- I think you do! - I don't! Now, you give me that war-ending necklace, or I will resort to torture.
Fine.
I will show you where it is, damn it.
You're too good, Macklin.
Don't you do it, Hitler.
Don't you dare fall in love with me.
Oh, Hitler, you sexy bastard.
No! - Yes! - MmMm! Aah! I am just filled to the brim with questions.
Why are you using this wood? Is it more pliable? What are these metal latches? Are they copper or brass? Is one better? And if so, why? If I tell you, then you won't have learned anything.
Another in a long line of lessons from the great Ron Swanson.
My therapist, Dr.
Richard Nygard, suggested that I try some non-exercise-based hobbies.
So I've been studying woodworking with Ron.
I made this.
Before I started, it was bigger.
Here.
I have designed something very important.
Why don't you start work on that right away? Yes, sir! It's a flight of stairs that leads to nowhere.
Were you listening to him when he was talking about serving the public and making our communities better? You know who he sounds like, right? Yes.
Idi Amin.
- Or Lord Voldemort.
- No.
You.
Now, you've been very rude to him, and you need to apologize.
Ha ha ha.
You are a laugh riot, Ben.
I am never going to apologize to someone from Eagleton.
All right.
So you can kiss your park and four years of work good-bye.
Up to you.
Come on.
You can do it.
- I don't want to.
- You can-- You can do it.
Mr.
St.
James, this has been a strange day.
But we wouldn't want to leave you with the wrong impression of Pawnee.
Have you guys seen Hitler? Anyway, we would love to have you design the park, and in the spirit of reconciliation, Leslie would like to apologize.
I may have allowed my prejudices, my totally legitimate prejudices against Eagleton affect my feelings towards your involvement in this project, and so therefore, I would like to say that I'm-- I'm I'm Leslie Knope.
No.
That's not what I want to say.
Okay.
I'm Sss My mouth is kinda dry.
My mouth is dry.
This is Canada Dry.
Drink Canada Dry if your mouth is dry.
That's nothing.
What I want to say is I'm s I'm sor I'm sor-- He's a human being.
You're a human being.
You can just-- just say-- I'm sor-- - Oh, my God.
- I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry that I-- I'm sorry, very sorry, that I was rude.
- It's too soon.
- You know what, as a gesture of good will, I'd like to waive my fee.
I'll design the park pro bono.
Thank you.
That's very nice of you.
I've been working up a little model of the design.
Why don't I bring it over, and we can all go through it together.
Great.
And then you can come to our wedding.
- Huh? - What? It's in May, and we haven't planned it yet, but save the date.
I was never here.
- Ah! - Aah! Well done, team.
What do you think of the place? Do you really like this yellow paint? I mean, I know it was on sale, but it looks a lot like dried phlegm.
For real, Tom.
This place is sad.
I think one of the mannequins tried to commit suicide.
I think what's important is we all had a goal, and we achieved it.
- So you like the place? - Oh, no, it's quite terrible.
This is the best I can do for now.
And I'm $46 under budget.
Now I have a small treat for you guys for all your hard work.
Pizza party! One small pizza for all of us.
With no toppings.
Cheese is a topping, Jerry.
And why are these lights blaring, by the way? Does someone here own stock in the electric company? If there were more food and fewer people, this would be a perfect party.
You can't run, Hitler.
is everywhere! History channel.
Ho ho ho! What is this? A child spy, sent to steal the necklace? Bert Macklin, FBI! Freeze! I didn't do anything! - Yeah, bad call, Bert.
- Oh.
Oh, hey, I'm just kidding, buddy.
I'm just playing around.
My name's really Andy Dwyer.
I'm a security guard.
- What's your name? - Joey.
I was with my mom, and I got lost.
Oh.
Well, gosh, don't worry about that.
I've gotten lost here about 500 times, and I work here.
What do you say we go find your mom, huh? She's not in there.
I'll bet.
Let's try this way.
Hello? Ms.
Knope, Mr.
Wyatt? We're from Wreston St.
James' firm.
Oh, hey, come on in.
Where's Wreston? He's on his way.
He wanted us to get started.
Aw! Oh, well.
Okay, I guess go ahead.
We present the Crown Jewel of Pawnee containing the sights, sounds, and most importantly, smells that define your city.
There are several drool buckets for your more slack-jawed citizens.
We also have food troughs full of cheeseburgers and public showers with instructions for those who've never showered before.
You have five seconds to get out of here Or I will rip your throats out.
Out.
Now.
Oh, hey, my backyard is bigger than your park.
Leslie, stay back, stay back.
I told you that Eagletonians are awful, terrible people.
They call their boogers Pawnee caviar.
I'm on your side, and I'm furious too.
But this just doesn't make sense to me.
I'm gonna talk to Wreston, and I'm gonna get to the bottom of this.
Any excuse to talk to Wreston.
Well, I am gonna think about a revenge plan.
I know what we're gonna do.
We're gonna find out where he lives.
We're gonna drive to his house.
We're gonna set it on fire and watch it burn.
Leslie, we can't do that.
You're right.
We can't.
All right, so Does this look familiar? - No, not at all.
- I was talking to Joey.
- Joey! - Mommy! There you are.
Oh, God, I was so worried.
Thank you so much.
You'll never know how much I appreciate it.
Well, just doing my job, ma'am.
Thank you for saving me, Andy.
Thank you, too, miss Hitler.
- What? - Don't worry about it.
Wow.
You made those losers very happy.
Oh, no, I didn't.
- Bert Macklin did.
- No - FBI.
- Actually, Bert Macklin kinda made that little boy cry.
Well, he's a rogue agent who refuses to play by the rules.
Seriously, I think Andy Dwyer makes a better real cop than Bert Macklin.
Maybe it's time for Bert Macklin to hang up his shades.
Can I get you something to drink? Iced tea, please.
And can I ask you, how are there palm trees here? Well, Eagleton lies on top of a hot spring which creates a micro-climate zone.
We are truly blessed.
God, I'm so sorry I'm late.
What the hell happened, man? I had nothing to do with that stupid prank.
In fact, that's why I'm late.
I was firing the two people who were responsible, and I was escorting them out of the building.
WellGood! Certain people in the firm wanted to promote them, but I insisted they be fired.
If you swear to me that you're serious, maybe we can salvage this.
I would really love to.
But what about Leslie? I just doubt that she can ever get over the bad blood between our towns.
I think you're wrong.
Leslie is a very forgiving person.
Revenge! Ha ha hal This is for Pawnee, you butt-faced pompous jerk! Whoo! I love you, Ben.
Pawnee forever! You want a stupid tie? I'll give you a stupid tie.
Ha ha! Wreston, suck it.
- Now we're even.
- Leslie.
- Huh? - He didn't do it, and he fired the people who did.
Attention, please.
I've been going over the books, and I'm missing $9.
Now, I'm not angry at whoever took it.
Just come forward.
You'll be served with a lawsuit, and we will move on with our lives.
Hey, buddy, let's go get some breakfast, okay? Fine.
It was your idea, so you're paying.
You're driving.
I'm not chipping in for gas.
Okay.
All right.
I'll have the pancake breakfast.
Oh, let me also get and some toast.
in a row in a bag.
You want a carton of eggs and a loaf of bread.
Yeah, just the pancake breakfast is fine.
Don't offer to pay if you're gonna be cheap.
Listen, man, I know you don't want to repeat the mistakes of Entertainment 720, and that's great, but you're gonna need a little bit of the old Tom to make this business work.
No.
That Tom ruined everything.
Yes, he did, and that Tom made you a horrible boyfriend and a terrible employee and drove you to bankruptcy.
Are we nearing the point? But your swagger and your showmanship and your confidence is part of you, and in small doses, it can help.
You can't have Rent-A-Swag without the swag.
I barely have enough cash to get everything set up.
I know.
Take this.
We all chipped in.
Use it to spruce up the store.
And in return you can give us like one share of stock in the company.
Like a mini public offering.
"Smort", Ann.
Smort.
This is a cause for celebration.
Waiter! Eight strips of bacon, uncooked, in a sealed package.
I call it the Pawnee Commons, a celebration of Pawnee's history and people.
A Wamapoke-themed playground Food trucks from local restaurants, Li'l Sebastian fountain.
- I mean, it's perfect.
- Thank you.
I can't see myself fighting you on more than I'd expect no less.
I'm just glad you like it.
I've never met two people more passionate about their hometown.
Oh, I'm actually from Minnesota.
Why do you know so much about Pawnee? Well, I'm in love with a woman from here.
A strange, passionate, goof ball of a woman.
Me.
He's in love with me.
I'm sorry to see you go, Macklin.
You didn't always play by the rules, but damn it, you were a hell of an agent.
Today I say good-bye to the only life I've ever known.
Well, some of the boys chipped in and we got you This.
It isn't much, but it's something to remember us by.
I never even met my family.
- What? - And this is all I have to show for it? Totally worth it.
It's been a pleasure serving with you, son.
If you ever need me, you know where to find me-- In bed next to you, probably having sex with you.
Welcome to the new new Rent-A-Swag now with 30% more swag.
I used the money you guys gave me to add a little flair, and I took everything I own in my house and brought it here, except for my bed.
I basically live here now.
I hate all of this, which probably means it's good for your business.
Ron, my woodworking project-- it's for displaying shoes! Yes.
That was always the plan.
All right, Rent-A-Swag team, I have one more little surprise for you--pizza party! - Part Two.
- Oh, wow! Two pizzas.
And toppings! Only on half.
I'm not Zuckerberg.
Eat up, chumps.