Portlandia (2011) s05e08 Episode Script

Hi.
Welcome to tiny town.
- Micro village.
- Little place.
And that's a tiny microhouse.
Yeah.
It's very, very efficient.
Everything is thought out.
No waste of space anywhere.
This is a bathroom and a home office.
Can you hand me the shower gel, please? Yes.
Coming up.
- Here you go.
- Thank you.
How's your novel coming along? Really great.
I'm on page 1 1/2.
See this kitty litter box? Out of sight.
We have a library.
Oh, hi! How's that book? It's great; I just, you know, wanted a little alone time.
I'm just hanging out, watching TV.
I'm just taking a bath.
Uh, I'm ready to wash my hair.
Uh, I can't see the TV now.
- What? - Can I-- can I shut it off? - I can't see the TV.
- Sure.
Kendall! Hey.
I forgot the code to the door.
Can you just come down and let me in? I'm upstairs.
Every little closet, every little space, ever little cubby hole.
Microliving.
Thanks for making the bed.
That was very nice.
- What did you want? Cream? - Yeah.
Okay.
You're always breathing down the back of my neck.
It's like I can feel your hot breath on me all the time.
Mmm! Some French toast.
There you go.
Bon appetit.
Just hold still.
Okay.
Move into a microhouse In a microcommunity.
Come on.
Move in.
It'll take you five minutes.
Oh, microhouse, babe.
I've always wanted to do that.
We could live like that.
We're free spirits! Who cares? Yes! I'm down with it.
- I love you.
- All right.
We're coming! Look at that workmanship.
Oh, Dave, it looks so good.
Look at this.
This is perfection.
This is a kitchen.
How can we-- how can we keep fixing it? We've done the bathroom.
- Our bedroom.
- Hallways.
- Backyard.
- Windows.
Wainscoting.
And now-- now what? I have an idea.
We get a fixer-upper.
You mean like another property? - Yeah.
- That's falling apart.
Dave, we need activities.
We need projects.
You're a genius.
That's exactly it.
Let's get on Zillow.
- Okay.
- Right.
Oh-- too nice, too nice.
- Too nice.
- Too nice.
I want something that makes me scared when I look at it.
- What about that? - That's the one.
It says "fixer-upper" right on it.
It's inexcusable that that outfit exists.
I think if you wear overalls, you should be a train conductor or under three.
Totally.
Did you order something? No.
Oh, it's Milt.
I always forget you have a key.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- How are you? - Good.
- How are you, Milt? Good.
Nice to see you, Fred.
- You got the rent check, right? - Of course.
Do we need anything fixed or anything? Are you dropping stuff off in your storage space, or - Um - Milton.
What's going on? Milton? My girlfriend kicked me out of the house.
- Lana? - Oh, that-- I'm so sorry.
I couldn't believe it.
She just said, just, "Get out, Milton! You-- you idiot.
" Oh That's her own pain.
I don't really have a lot of options now, and I just, um-- I'm gonna stay here for a while.
- You're gonna stay here? - Yeah.
You know, I grew up in this house, and when my mother died, she bequeathed me this home, and now I just need your support right now.
During this difficult time, I hate to bring up something as crass as tenants' rights, but-- I mean, are you-- are you-- Do you want to ask us if you can stay here? Oh, I thought you saw me more as a friend than as a landlord, but if I'm wrong - No, I-- - I just didn't know.
I just thought we were - That's all right.
- Right.
Yeah.
It's-- it's-- it's blurry.
- This stuff is always blurry.
- It doesn't matter.
That's fine.
Milton.
He's-- he's going through a rough time.
Okay.
One night.
Milton, what if you just stayed for one or two nights? You'll get back on your feet again, and-- Can you help me with the other stuff in the car? Thanks.
Ooh, yeah! Pound it in, baby! That's it.
Think anybody's gonna come? - Yeah.
- Yeah? Sure, honey.
Yeah.
Somebody's gonna show up.
Mm-hmm.
- I am hungry, though.
- Yeah.
Oh, here comes somebody! All: Hello! - Hi.
Whoo-hoo! - Come on in.
Welcome home.
There's a little one sheet with all the details about the house.
- Take a look.
Take a look.
- Yeah, take a look around.
Our casa's su casa.
Huh? Oh, damn, do you think I can put an indoor pool in here? Uh, may-- maybe in the basement.
Sure.
How many men would it hold? Oh, the basement? You mean people? Men-- I'm looking for how many men can go in there.
- Oh.
Men.
- 16.
- 16, 17 men.
- 18.
Do you think I can do an Airbnb here? - I don't know why not.
- Sure.
What is an Airbnb? Oh, it's like one of those rental things where, like, people come from out of town and then they stay in your house.
It's like they use your house as a hotel.
Damn.
That's a good idea, you know? It is.
Yeah.
So how long have you been looking for a place to buy? Oh, I'm not looking for a place to buy.
I have a beautiful home, and I'm perfectly satisfied with it.
I'm just a looky-loo.
Oh.
I just go around looking at places to see what they look like.
Oh.
That's why I'm called a looky-loo.
We've never met a looky-loo before.
I'm the best looky-loo in this neighborhood.
I'm the best you're gonna find.
- Uh, great.
- Welcome.
Okay.
Is that a walk-in pantry? Yeah, actually.
It is.
Yeah.
Mind if I take a look? - No.
Go right ahead.
- Be our guest.
A looky-loo? I don't know, babe.
I think we're gonna have to get a real estate agent.
Okay, it should be right up here.
This is it! Dave, this is it! Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- I want to redo the foundation.
- Uh-huh.
- New beams.
- I like that.
I'd like to push up at least one story.
- I'm with you on that.
- Wrecking ball - Ah! - Right through the center.
Oh! Hi, there.
Hi! Are you the owner? I-- I'm Kath.
I'm Dave.
How are you? Beautiful property.
Real nice bones on this thing.
Yeah, um.
Huh.
Um, I wonder if the house is not even for sale.
Well, that says "4sal.
" Uh, let's go up there? - Uh - Check it out.
Yeah.
Ooh! Wow.
Jeez.
Uh.
Well, I guess we're gonna need two dumpsters.
There's people in here.
You know-- you guys are flippers? You guys are flipping things around? You know, I didn't realize there were so many people interested in fixer-uppers.
You say you're looking for some uppers? You looking for a fix? Uh, actually, we're looking to buy.
Oh.
Right on.
What are you looking to buy? I got coke, crack, I got some dope, some Zoloft.
Maybe you looking for molly, huh? Oh-- is that the owner? Owner? Are you a cop? Uh No.
But uh You know what? I would like to buy two ounces of meth.
And, uh, I'll have a box of peyote.
And a can of crack.
Yeah.
We can hook you up.
I just hope I can find some money here somewhere.
Do we-- should we go to a-- a cash machine? - Yeah.
Find something.
- A-o river! - Excuse me! - What the-- - Oh, Lana! - Ugh - Jesus.
Good morning.
Hey, Milt.
I hope we didn't wake you up.
Did Lana call? Did Lana call your cell phone? I have no idea.
Sorry we're in your bedroom.
How was your date last night? Uh, well, it wasn't so much a date as it was a disaster.
Oh, no.
- Oh, that's better.
- What happened? I can't tell-- I think she was embarrassed to be with me.
- No.
Come on.
- I think she-- Yeah, yeah.
She was, like, looking at other guys, and then she'd look at me and she'd go you know, like that.
You just go on another date.
Find someone else, you know.
It's been a while since I've put myself out there.
The whole landscape has changed.
I got to do some work on myself.
I mean, I know that now.
I'm gonna get some veneers.
Right? And I'm thinking of doing, like, a little plastic surgery.
Like if I just did-- Don't do that.
That looks strange.
If you are having problems, go to therapy.
Yeah.
Go to a gym.
Talk to some friends.
Yeah, you're right.
There's some spiritual roads to go down.
Breakups are hard, Milton.
- All that is expensive - Mm-hmm.
So I'm gonna have to, you know, raise the rent.
- What? - By how much? TBD.
You can't just raise the rent without giving us notice.
This is the notice.
It doesn't work that way, where we have to finance everything that you need in your life.
Do you have any pancakes? No.
We made eggs.
Fine.
I'll make my own pancakes.
There's no pancake mix.
Jeez.
I'm sorry to say this.
I think we should move.
I can't live like this.
He has no plans of leaving, and it's stressing me out.
I kind of think we should look into buying a house.
Carrie, absolutely.
We could go in on the down payment together.
How awesome would that be, if we just, like, bought a house? Homeowners together.
Okay.
I'm gonna take a moment just to hear your house.
Well, that's just a playroom in there.
Oh, it's your playroom? Okay.
- We play.
- Yeah.
We like to play.
Hmm.
Intriguing.
Watch out, he bites! Just kidding.
Ooh! That trunk is not bad, actually.
That should go downstairs in the front hallway.
What-- what is, um-- what is in it? Uh, that's our butt plug collection.
All right.
This is the sanctuary.
Right.
Okay.
Um, well, this all has to go.
All of it? If you are serious about selling your house, you are going to need a staging company.
What's that? Oh, well, they replace all of your things with the illusion of an ideal lifestyle.
Pinot Gri? Um, that is such a generous offer, but I am fine, thank you.
I'd love to see you with my husband.
Well, all of it has to go.
This is, very simply, "I'm a writer, but I don't use a computer.
" Well, you want something that says, "I like rock.
" So I've placed some random piles of weather wood up here.
Yeah, just little piles of wood for no reason.
It's always nice to have a little mixology bar in the corner of the room.
We got some nice local liquors.
And this vodka is handmade in an airplane hangar.
Antlers.
Antlers.
Antlers.
I can't say it enough.
Antlers say, "Where are we? A hunting lodge?" I don't want it in the corner.
I want it front and center.
Ready? One, two, three.
Ready? Let's get it from down here.
Ready? From the bottom.
One, two, three.
Ready? One, two.
Okay, so that back there.
Ta-da! All right.
Let's get it out there, okay? Gorgeous.
Hey, Dave.
Yeah.
Check this out.
Ooh! - This could be our house, Dave.
- Definitely.
This looks great.
Okay.
I found one.
Four bedroom, two bath.
I'm gonna send you this one.
Ooh, nice pictures.
Right? Let's go to this open house.
- That is a beautiful house.
- Yeah.
We should check this out.
Who the hell are all these people? We are looking at this house.
Serious inquiries only is what we heard.
Plenty of other neighborhoods in town, people.
This is about raising the value of the neighborhood.
If you're not here to do that, get out.
What is she so happy about? Wow, you got a piece of paper with a picture on it.
- Celebrate.
- That lady, she's a flipper.
She doesn't have any emotional connection to this house.
Look at her.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Coming through! Wait.
Wait.
There's a line here.
Not for us.
I mean, it's such a popular house.
Yeah, I guess so.
I mean, do we want that? Do we want to be in this, like, popular, up-and-coming place? Like, I don't know.
It's a nice house, you have to admit.
- It's a really nice house.
- And we can have it! Imagine we had a house.
I mean, this is our chance to, like, really change our lives.
This is, like, a big step.
- Dave, I want this house.
- I want it.
I want this banister, these stairs.
Gimme.
Gimme, gimme.
You know, I suppose you could turn that pantry into a guest room.
You'd have to get very small furniture.
I love it.
It's perfect.
Look, it's the flipper.
Is there anything I can do to have an advantage over the other potential buyers? Um, because it's you, I'll tell you a little secret, okay? A nice, handwritten letter to the sellers is a great advantage, because this house means everything to them.
Wait, did you hear what she said? - Yeah.
- We have to do that.
- Now! - Yes! - Let me show you.
- Thank you.
What about the Whole Foods? Hi.
How are you? - Should we? - A handwritten letter.
We have to decide.
Do we want to go for this? Yes, we should go for it.
It's a nice house.
Okay.
Let's go.
Okay.
Let's write a letter.
We have recently Have recently I'm getting ink all over my palm.
Your Dave, I can't read what you're writing.
It seems clear to me.
I like the flowers on the outside.
Let me take what you've written and do it here.
- All right.
- A capital "D" is, um Do you not know how to write? This is a letter.
It has to be perfect.
If I was typing it, I could hit "Erase.
" - There's erasers right there.
- Fine.
You know what? Let's bring in someone that can help us write.
You go down, loop, go around, and loop.
- Right there.
- All right.
That's an eight.
Why are you starting your letter with an eight? That looks like an eight, does it not? - Where? - No.
Listen, Matthew.
What if you write the letter and I dictate it to you? That'd be very dishonest.
But it would be our ideas.
You know what? In the classroom, I think I'm a daydreamer.
What is wrong with you? These are letters that were submitted by potential buyers.
They are invaluable tools to inform your decision.
Now, you start with those, and if you need to see more, the rest will be on my desk.
Enjoy.
- Will do.
- Thanks, Glynis.
You are very welcome.
"I promise you we will turn this house into a glorious wonderland for a huge extended family enjoying perfect, languid holidays together.
" God, that's a bit much.
- Languid - No thank you.
Is a heavy-handed word.
Here's one, babe.
"We are rich family in Russia.
Have not seen house, but buy house now.
Yes.
" - Me buy house now? - Cavemen.
Look.
"I am simply submitting a photo of myself.
" - Well, where's the picture? - There's no photo.
I just want to know if he's hot or not.
Okay.
All right.
All right.
That's enough.
That's enough.
This is not a laughing matter.
This is serious.
Now, please just choose a letter.
Thank you.
Guess it's time for the old spin-a-roo.
- The what? - The spin-a-roo.
It's how we make all of our big decisions.
Terrific.
Let's-- I can't wait.
All right, baby.
I got it.
Give me a high five! Boom! Spread these out.
I'm spreading them out.
Spin-a-roo! Ugh! Oh! Oh! You okay, babe? I'm putting a stop to this, all right? I'm going to choose the letter.
Oh, I see the winners.
- Hello? - Hi.
It's Glynis.
I have wonderful news.
The owners responded to your letter, and the house is yours.
Congratulations.
Thank you so much.
Uh-- uh, we are really excited.
Can I hear? Can I hear? You are very welcome.
Now, as we go through the appropriate steps with your bank and your lending company, everything will be in escrow.
Right.
Escrow.
So escrow.
Okay.
So it's in escrow.
Okay.
Nice talking to you.
Congratulations again.
Hey, thank you.
- Um, what is escrow? - What do you mean? I thought you knew and that's why you weren't listening.
No.
I mean, I've heard the word a lot, but I-- I don't really know what it is.
So you're going into escrow.
Congratulations.
But what exactly is escrow? To explain that, we'll have to go back to the beginning of time.
We all know the Ancient Egyptian gods Thoth, god of time, and Khensu, the Moon god, but they had a forgotten brother by the name of Eye-Scroh, the Egyptian god of waiting 30 days, who could be identified by his many shoes.
So escrow was a-- was a God? Meanwhile, across the pond, the Escrow Indians of South America believed that human life was nothing more than a period of escrow in a celestial transaction between the creators.
It's making me tired.
What's this? A crow? I'm the S-Crow.
Great, cartoons.
Well, I guess this could make it easier to understand.
Dante wrote of escrow in the Inferno.
I don't need to know the history of escrow when I don't know the history of the US.
Wait.
I just missed that whole thing.
This egg is in escrow, though no one can explain precisely why.
It's making me, um, very stressed.
There's got to be, like, a simple version of this.
Wh-- what? What? Doesn't make any sense.
What? Are we even seeing this right? We should never have done this.
What's happening? What-- what is this? Fred, let's just not do it.
Let's not get the house.
I-- I don't want a house.
I don't want anything.
Oh, no.
How can we get out of this? Oh! Hey, Fred.
Hey, Carrie.
Whoa.
Wow.
I know, right? Did you get a tan? What happened is I met a wonderful woman named Rene.
She's a dental surgeon.
Kind of amateur, but, um, she's working on my teeth.
They're almost straight.
It's getting there.
Contact lenses.
So now my eyes are blue.
Weren't they blue before? Yeah, they were.
But I guess they're even bluer now.
- I don't know.
- You seem great.
- You're dressing great.
- Yeah.
Look, I mean, I have a whole makeover.
Rene says I'm her fixer-upper.
- She says she's gonna flip me.
- Wow.
- I'm gonna move in with her.
- That's great.
So you guys don't have to move.
- Wait.
Really? - I'm serious.
Milton, I can't tell you what great news this is.
I love you.
Well, those are the plugs talking.
But I-- I-- I love you, too, Milt.
Sorry.
That means a lot to me.
It means a lot to us too.
Thanks a lot, Milton.
I'm gonna make some-- some chamomile tea.
Would you like some? I'm okay right now.
I'll make it.
You know what? Sure.
All right.
- I'm just-- - Oh, careful! - Watch the table there.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Wow.
Kind of a relief.
Yeah.
And this is Glynis.
Hi, Glynis.
How are you? This is Fred-- Fr-- uh, I'm here with Carrie, so it's Fred and Carrie.
Hey, Glynis.
Um, how can I help you? Unfortunately, uh, due to circumstances that are Carrie, we're gonna, unfortunately, have to cancel.
Why are you throwing me under the bus? You are backing out.
Carrie just got cold feet, and she, uh-- and it was a literal thing.
She just had cold feet near the front entrance.
We need to find a warmer house.
What's the matter, Glynis? Spin-a-roo.
Your turn, babe.
Really, that's great.
Yes.
I really appreciate the call.
Yes.
You have a great day too.
Now it's a home.
- Let's break it in.
- Come to papa.