Reno 911! (2003) s05e08 Episode Script

mtv networks Ok! Today we're jumping the shark.
[cheering.]
Yeah.
That's right.
We're jumping the god damn shark to fight autism.
Today we got it all worked out, And here we go.
Third time's a charm.
Good eye.
Clemmy: I'm not sure about this.
[starter pistol fires.]
Aah! Ha ha! Yeah! [screams.]
Oh, my god.
Oh, my god! Oh, my god! He's spitting up blood! Sheriff's department freeze! Get on the ground.
Freeze! [gunfire.]
Ohhh! What? What? All right.
This is not a show! The tornado.
No! Hell, no! We won't blow! Yeah! He's my friend.
Man: Hey.
Good Yah! Junior: Right on the ground.
Put it right on the ground.
Aah! Dangle: Good morning, gang.
Morning.
Morning.
Uh, if you see cats in the building today, These are working cats.
Do not interfere with them.
Honestly, I think the vermin control people Were just out of ideas.
So they're going old school.
Uh, Junior and Garcia, today's the day- Hoy es la dia.
Yeah, hoy es la dia.
We just wanted to stop by and give everybody one last chance To come along with us.
Gonna be gone for two days, Gonna be down on the border.
I think if we could go down there with a contingency of 8, It would really make Washoe county look real good.
- Going down there to do what? - What's the program? We are doing the good fences make good neighbors program.
Basically, we are gonna build together 1/8 of a mile of fencing On the Mexican border to help keep out Mexicans.
It's symbolic.
They're trying to send down a team from every county in the nation.
And county by county, wall there.
From Tijuana to- So you're building a symbolic wall? So it's not really, you're just sort of pantomiming it? - No, it's a real- - no, it's a real Home depot material wall that will symbolize- It won't actually symbolize, it's literal.
- It's both.
- It's both.
It's symbolic and literal.
Yeah.
If I could be the voice of smartness, I think it's wrong.
- In what way? - In what way? Please uh - Enlighten us.
- In all ways.
I believe that all people of all cultures, Colors, creeds have come to this- I have a dream! I gots a dream.
We know.
So, basically, it's like, you're going out to the desert With a bunch of guys and beers and doing- It's like burning man for right-wing rednecks.
Yeah.
We'll be shooting guns, too, though.
We got a 911 call up here at the national forest From one of the rangers.
I guess that's him right here.
- Hey! - Hurry, hurry, hurry! Sheriff's department.
I got bit.
I think it was a rattlesnake.
I don't know for sure, but I don't have a snake bite kit.
I don't know how long it takes for the venom to go through me! Calm down, sir.
Where was it-where did you get bit, sir? Where did you get-? It kind of leaped out, look.
Oh, whoa, uh Thank god I'm shaved.
You can probably see the bite a lot easier, huh? Look a little closer, by the taint.
Trudy: Hey, guys, sheriff's department.
What's going on here? This gentleman seems to have been bit- I got bit by a rattlesnake! You guys got to move quickly! - Oh, my god.
- Look, look, look! You know, if one of you peels back the foreskin, It should be easier to see.
Well, no, it isn't.
If you didn't have so much ball powder on there, It'd be easier to see.
Oh! You know what? Oh! Feeling a lot better.
Thank you very much.
You were great.
I called you guys about some guy out here Showing people his wiener.
Oh! Oh! Hello, yuma! Hola, hombres.
Hey! What's up, man? Hey, lyle! How's your mama doing? - She's all right, you know.
- She good? Yeah.
Her boob's back on.
Oh, yeah.
They figured out a way to put it back on there.
You saved it on an ice chest or what Yeah.
We saved it on ice; we froze it.
And then they thawed it out And figured out a way to sew it back on.
That was terrible when I heard about that thing.
It was my fault.
It was my bad.
It was an accident.
Well Ya know, water under the bridge Water under- - Good to see you again.
- Yeah, I hear you.
Greatest damn country on earth.
You know what's great about this country Is that just like our forefathers before us, Benjamin Franklin probably stood On a spot similar to this one And said to himself, "let's fuck it.
Let's make a country.
" And that's what we're doing right now.
We're making a country.
I pledge allegiance to the flag Whoo! Of the United States of america.
Ow! And to the republic for which it stands, One nation, indivisible, divisible, under god, In liberty and justice for all.
Sweet.
Hey, Joe! Man: Hey, Jim.
How them roller blades working out? Eh They're all right.
Look at this.
They still do lemonade stands.
They do.
You know what I'm talking about.
The orientals are more industrious than us.
Look at that.
Look at you go.
You know what? I'm a little bit light.
- How about a freebee? - No.
- What? - No.
- No? You said no? - No.
No.
- To a freebee? - No.
- Law enforcement discount.
- No.
- No? - No.
- Come on.
- No.
- Come on.
- No.
- Come on.
- No.
- Come on.
- No.
Come on! Do you know that you need a license To operate a business in Washoe county? Do you know that? You got a food and beverage license? Huh? Do ya? Aah! Aah! Oh! Aah! [screaming.]
[gunfire.]
Whoo! Whoo! [cheering.]
What else can we shoot? Let's shoot something else.
- How about the gas can? - That's a good idea.
- Yeah.
I like that.
- Let's do it.
Junior: Find a good spot, Lyle.
If you hit it at the bottom, You'll blow up the whole "Hugo" there.
Grab ole Condi Rice there; see what she'll do.
- All right, Condi.
- All right, Jimmy Jam! Yoo! All right.
Vaya con dios, gas cano.
I think you just missed about That's got to be some kind of god damn record.
We have a very serious problem here in Reno On the public transportation system With older, creepy, pedophiles and perverts Groping our young ladies on their way to and from school.
We have a small camera here in this package of Rex cigarettes.
Testing, 1, 2, 3, 4.
The lips, the tip of the tongue, the teeth.
The lips, the tip of the tongue, the teeth.
Uh, here's our jailbait herself, Trudy Wiegel, - Dressed as a young school mistress.
- Hello! Here we go.
Here's the bus.
And we shall snap into action.
All right.
Echo base to ladybug.
Check, check, I hear you fine.
Uh-oh, I just dropped my delicious lollipop - That I was gonna eat with my tongue.
- Very good.
- Ohh, I can get it.
- Excellent.
And he is I can't read him from here.
I can't read him from here.
I can't read him from here.
Ohh! We lost him.
We lost him.
We lost him.
Hawaiian shirt wants to tug one off on you.
Go, do it, work it.
Gosh, it's even more bouncy up here Than it is back there.
I don't know how you guys are even standing still.
Excellent.
I'm ready to pounce.
My boobs are going all over the place.
It's so bouncy up here.
Excellent.
I can't see from my position.
Does he have an erection, ladybug? Does he have an erection? Oh! Excuse me.
I'm so sorry.
- Very good.
- I don't see one.
Give me an "r"- r.
Give me an "o"- o.
Give me a "c"- c.
Give me a "d"- d.
What does it spell? Rocd, rocd, rocd, rocd.
[whispers.]
I got my first pubic hair this week.
My boob was out and all the guys were looking, And I was like, it's totally cool with me, 'cause I am loose and free with my body Like any girl my age should be.
Miss, I'm not sure those can hold your weight.
Hi.
I'm from the Reno sheriff's department.
Our friends at the Washoe county animal shelter Have lots of furry friends Who are currently available for adoption.
This here is Scooter.
Scooter doesn't have a family, And he's looking for one in the Reno/Tahoe area.
Scooter is a very smart dog.
In fact, Scooter is like a little detective himself.
He led law emergency workers to where his old family Had been burned to death in a fire.
In fact, he even tried to rescue one of them.
[baby talk.]
but you didn't, did you? No, you didn't.
They're all burned and dead.
[normal voice.]
so, if you're looking for a dog that's loyal, Come on down Today.
The Washoe c- The Washoe county animal shelter, Where every day it's raining cats and dogs.
Hey, buddy.
You're going 3 miles an hour on a one-way street.
And you got no lights on - what's the problem? Shit.
Ok, um [car door beeping.]
Ok.
If you can just step away from the light.
I really need to give you that ticket, OK? It's the end of the month.
And I was like, whoo [imitates police siren.]
He's thinking about it.
It's not working, Jim.
Erection check.
I can't see.
I cannot see.
I do not have a clear view Of an erection or not.
I just perfected my splits just now, Which is so weird; it's such a strange time.
But, oh, my god, I can barely get up.
Jim, this is ladybug.
I need your help.
I am stuck in Ugh.
Ohh! Oh, thank you.
I love being touched by older adult gentlemen.
Excuse me? You're an undercover cop, right? Um, that construction worker has been Showing me his balls since second avenue.
My theory about the Latin invasion is this: I don't care if your back is wet, As long as your money is green.
Ok? I'm not gonna pick strawberries.
For my money, you know, I don't care if you Raise the border Put that Mexican border a little higher on the continent, Just as long as you don't bring the Canadian border down any.
That's the problem.
[sighs.]
looks like we lost a couple to the heat.
Couple of good guys.
I don't blame 'em.
It's too hot to work, man.
Didn't use to get this hot.
God damn Al Gore.
Yeah.
Al Gore done put all the ozone in the air.
And next thing you know it's like we're living in a greenhouse.
You know, I think our grandchildren Are gonna be so happy that we spent today Working hard in this heat, building a fence.
Mm-hmm.
So that they can have white people Busing their tables one day.
That's right.
Mm-hmm.
I didn't actually take a day off work, 'cause I can't work.
Yeah.
Really? Nope.
I can't.
I got split lung.
Split lung? Yeah.
You on workers comp for that? Yeah.
I got workman's comp.
I actually discovered it 'cause I was at the bologna factory.
And they was like, "hey, we're gonna promote you.
We're gonna put you in charge of the separation vat.
" And I was like, "that's just gonna mean more work.
" And the next thing I know I got split lung, And you know, I can't work.
I have to lay down every 20 minutes.
Raineesha: Do you remember anything at all? I remember that a bus driver Pointed me here and said to come in.
- Mm-hmm.
- Because He said I have that thing, oh, man Amnesia.
You have amnesia.
I don't remember what he called it.
Wait, wait.
I do remember.
Ok.
- I have a car.
- Ok.
Does that give you anything to go on? Go ahead.
- It's black.
- Black car.
It's just a car.
It's a black, I think it's a trans am, I think.
It talks.
Its name is kit.
We go around the country and we solve crimes- No, sir.
No, no, no.
It talks.
It's fast, too.
And it's got a t-top, and I can [whoosh.]
- No, sir.
That's- - Michael Knight.
- No.
That's not- - write that down.
That's "The Knight Rider.
" That's a television show.
- Sir, that's not your identity.
- You're right, I'm sorry.
Sir, you have a lot of blood on you.
Yeah.
Do you remember what happened with the blood, how I got it in Vietnam.
I was in Vietnam With a crack commando squad, and we were falsely accused And wrongly convicted of a crime we didn't commit.
Now we exist on the Los Angeles underground.
And if you can find us, maybe you can hire Do you have a black dude with a mohawk? Yes.
No, sir.
No, you don't.
No, that's- How would you have known that? I'm Robert Siegel.
And I'm Linda Wertheimer.
"all things considered" npr.
Sir, you woke up this morning - Yes.
- You put on your suit.
Yes.
- You were in your home, - yeah.
What happened after that? - I do remember.
- Ok.
- Ahh.
- All right.
I killed my wife this morning.
Hello? Uh, I'm gonna need a trustee to follow A bloody white man running around the station.
He doesn't know where he is.
Just bring him back here to booking.
Hi.
The bus driver said that I should come in here.
Said I have that thing Yeah.
Sure You do.
We got a report of a jumper over on this bridge here.
There he is.
Man: Go away! No! Get out of here! Calm down, sir.
Sir? Stop it! You don't want to do this.
I'm crazy.
I'm going right now.
- Oh, you're crazy? You're crazy? - Yeah, I am.
Don't make him mad.
No.
I'm gonna jump.
No.
Don't jump.
No, I want to jump.
No, no, no, no.
- Jonesy please! [all shouting at once.]
I'm crazy! No, no, no! This is my bridge.
- This is my day to shine! - I was here first! You're gonna do it, I'm first.
Get outta here! Oh I saw this in a movie once.
You're good.
[screaming.]
aah! [thud.]
Jones? What the hell movie was that you saw that in? Dangle: Is it, uh? Oh, it is! New night sticks are here.
Yay! About time.
I can't wait.
- What is this- German? - Yeah.
The nacht-fun.
The night Wow.
This whole manual's in German.
The night stalker.
Is it a taser, too? [hums.]
oh! Whoa! It's really strong.
And it gets very, very hot.
Touch it.
Feel how hot it is.
Oh, my gosh! What is the point of that? What does that little speaker right there mean? - Maybe- - is it voice activated? - Maybe so.
- Oh, whoa, whoa! It does.
You're right.
Voice activated? That's what this is for.
[humming.]
Cover your eyes.
Cover your eyes.
Halt! Guys, seriously watch your eyes.
Eins, "ouss.
" hitler! Technically that's an Austrian name.
What are you doing with my vibrator? I'm bummed about Garcia and Junior Being gone all day.
'cause usually- Garcia usually clocks in for me.
Um, I go into the evidence locker And take about a half-hour nap every day, Half-hour to an hour.
And he clocks in for me.
Is she listening? Is she listening to this? She's listening.
Ok.
Ok.
I'm just gonna play possum on this one.
You know what? The Samoans are famous for cooking things in dirt.
Oh god damn! It's like sitting next to the dn nature channel.
You're like an encyclopedia of bore-tanica.
That's right.
You're a thesaurus of- You're a the-snorus.
[laughing.]
I'm smelling that carne asada.
I don't think we should do it.
I don't think it's right.
Is it right that americans starve to death? - No, sir.
- No, sir.
That's a good point.
If we're using it as fuel to build a wall To keep them out, then I think it's ok.
Yeah That is taking A resource and putting it towards a good plan.
It's like using their own strength against 'em.
It's like using rape money in order to build a hospital.
Rape money? Money from a rape.
Uh, hola, hola, senorita.
ÿcomo esta? Muy bien, gracias.
- ÿcarne asada todo? - Oh, si.
Carne asada is steak? Yeah, yeah, si.
Ask her if she's got apple pie.
You got apple pie in that cart? Lyle, do you want to eat Or do you want to be a fucking jackass? Little of both, I guess.
That's good stuff.
Oh, look, man.
We should see if they want To maybe earn a little money fixing a fence.
Junior: It is hot.
They are built for it.
You boys want to make 40 bucks? Si? Es bueno.
Si.
That'll do it.
Do it right! Be nice.
Ho, ho, ho! Careful.
[cheering.]
[gunfire.]
Usa! Usa! Usa! Usa! Usa! Usa! Usa! Usa! Usa! Usa! Usa! U-! Oh fuck! Shit! Get at him, boys.
We gotta get out of here.
Come on.
I got it.
Go! Go! Go! Gary, go! Gary! I'm staying.
Yeah, I get it, man.
She's hot.
Bye, Gary.
Take care, man.
Wait! The policia! What are we up to, fellas? Shit, shit, shit, shit! Hey where you going? Soy americano! Hey! Hold it right there.
Hey! You! Lyle: Get him! Shoot the beaner! Got him.
Ohh! That's a classic slide tackle.
- He's got military training.
- Oh! mtv networks been taking bullets For everybody in Washoe county, so uh- Yeah, but that fifth generation had to come over here from somewhere.
Junior's french.
Juniet.
French? Yeah, they came after the civil war.
Uh, they- selling beavers.
Captioned by the national captioning I don't want to talk about it.
So you're a beaver trapper? In 1875, you didn't have to trap your own beavers.
Smart businessmen bought the beavers, resold 'em.