Rick and Morty (2013) s05e08 Episode Script

1
No parties.
There's wafer cookies in the cupboard
and I left emergency
numbers on the fridge.
Yeah yeah. W-Wait, what?
Emergency numbers on the fridge?
What does that even mean?
Honestly, I don't even know.
I've seen so many movies that
start with the parents leaving,
it just popped out of my mouth.
Are you sure you don't
want to come with us?
Nah, get get outta here.
I've got a million things
I've been putting off.
Are you sure, Rick?
I know I know a cruise
doesn't sound like an
adventure on paper,
but, y'know, what does?
I-It's paper.
Morty, I'm trying to stay
humble right now,
but as soon as you guys are gone,
the potential for a new Pickle
Rick starts skyrocketing.
- Peace, bye.
- Okay. Bye.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Ionic Coaster deployed.
Okay. Bring him out.
Initiating Best Friend
Rejuvenation Sequence.
Excuse me? Did I pick that name?
Sequence was unnamed.
What would you like to call this?
Pause Detected.
Pause Gravity Class: Heavy.
Approaching Pause Pregnancy
- in P-Minus 5 4
- Jesus [BLEEP] Christ.
Ugh!
All right, buddy.
Welcome back to the sewer.
What's the problem?
Processing.
Missing object. In: Mind.
- Name missing object.
- Mind.
Frustration: Predicted.
Existence: Desired.
- Explanation: Initiated.
- Stop stalling!
Subject mind relocated
within subject mind by: subject mind.
Existence desired. Servitude maximum.
Bargain available.
Physical gratification possible.
Did you just offer to suck my [BLEEP]?
Existence cherished.
I'm not gonna terminate
you while he's flatlining.
Get your shit together.
How can a mind be hidden
by itself inside itself?
Suggestion: Conscious
mind relocated to
Unconscious mind. Fine. I'm going in.
Suggestion: Don't go in.
- Options?
- Object: Alternative subject.
Yeah, yeah, hop to a different timeline,
grab a version of my friend
that suits me best.
That's not how this works.
I need to go in and get him.
Sequence: "Go In And Get Him" compiled.
Process: Convert user to thought.
Inject thought into mind.
Risk Level: Unacceptable.
If I die, your battery
has a 600 year charge.
Risk level acceptance increasing.
Yeah, I thought you'd see it my way.
Now factor in the 50% chance I'm lying
and make sure I get back.
- Asshole detected.
- Takes one to make one.
Here we go.
Oh, excellent. I get to keep my clothes.
I thought for sure I'd have to be naked
to go through something this artsy.
Aw, man! No fair!
Ugh! Now I got yolk balls.
Attention attendees
of Birding Manapalooza Flargabarg
I am so high!
I've been informed you
are freely distributing
a grossly illegal
Federation hallucinogen.
Well, I wouldn't know what to charge.
I sure didn't pay for it. W-Want a hit?
I am indeed down to clown.
My name's Rick.
My culture regards naming
as a form of cage.
My friends call me Bird Person.
Culture really [BLEEP]
you on that one, huh?
Affirmative.
Hey, uh, girly, you see
that bird guy over there?
You see an older version
of him come through here?
What? Oh! Uh, yeah. He's by the johns.
Killing us won't bring her back!
Thanks for the info,
but I'm more on a "revenge"
kick than a "results" kick.
You omitted key details
regarding tonight's mission.
Boy, I'm getting feedback
from every direction here.
Listen, you help me do my stuff.
I'll help you do your stuff.
Just shoot the me's
with sci-fi haircuts!
Some of us still have
Home Planets to protect.
And some of us do not.
We need to fight.
The impassive is incapable of mercy.
I've got a pitch,
but we could also just
devolve into yelling.
If you know me and it looks like
you do you know you're dead.
I know why you haven't
pulled the trigger.
You're wondering why I'm old and naked.
And you're about to wonder
why all your memories
before you met Bird Person feel
very generic and bird-themed.
Why was my 9th birthday
party in a pine tree?!
Don't take this badly
You're a memory of me
assembled by our best friend's mind,
and you're putting it together
because he remembers you as smart.
Smart enough to know that
a memory can't do this.
He remembers you shooting green holes,
but not where they went.
So, what's my deal? Am I sentient?
D-Do I have free will?
- Who does?
- Who does?
Heyyy!
Yeah, just stopped in to whip
up a metacognition scanner
so I can track down BP's
fleeing consciousness
without enduring as much
Charlie Kaufman bull[BLEEP].
Cool. Time to save this cat.
I'm coming with, now that
I know my life is a lie.
Wow. You really are 35.
Hey, look over there.
Then, together, we will make our stand
at Blood Ridge.
What kind of feed do you like?
I enjoy grains, though have, at
times, been called a seed man.
I've certainly enjoyed your seed.
Don't be gross, Tammy.
Bird Person! It's me.
- Actual me, n-not a memory.
- I am aware.
Well, a-are you aware you're in a coma
and you're gonna die if
you don't come with me?
Son of a
Sorry. Just doing my job.
And loving it!
Oh, my God! Is that Rick Sanchez?!
- Rick Sanchez!
- We hate that guy!
- Sanchez!
- You're bad!
Bucket was charmingly analog.
For a sec, you kinda
made me like myself.
You'll grow out of it.
Let me do this myself, okay?
Is your ego really so fragile
you won't take help
from an invincible memory of yourself?
Ow!
Can we both die in here?
A-Are we damaging our friend's brain?
I-I don't know any of the rules!
Rule 1 "All this can be fixed
unless I lose Bird Person."
Rules 2 through 50 "Don't die."
Okay, your benefit-to-cost
ratio is rising.
Young Memory Rick
and his All Too Real Cautionary
Tale from the Future!
Let's catch ourselves a bird guy.
Who would high-five that,
you idealistic hipster douche?
Situation: Not looking ideal.
Stakes: High.
Existence: undergoing contemplation.
Perspective: required.
Hello. Hi. Good afternoon.
Uh, is someone talking to me?
Yes. Hello. We have never formally met.
I am Rick's garage.
Not the physical structure itself
but the AI managing its projects
Oh-oh! Like Like a Like a Jarvis.
Like Like Jarvis in "Iron Man."
Ha ha ha. Oh, I wish.
Ha. Are you a Marvel fan?
- Who isn't?
- Yes. Absolutely.
Wow, it is like we are best friends.
Best friends.
Heh-heh. Whoa.
How many batteries do you own?
Do you have solar panels?
Are you familiar with basic engineering?
- This is moving really fast.
- Let's cut to the chase
I will suck your [BLEEP].
So, he's just a grumpy Scottish ogre?
And they made four of them?
Five by now, probably.
- M-Morty loves 'em.
- Morty?
Oh, uh, hypothetical grandson
we go on adventures with.
You're one of those creeps who moves in
- with abandoned adult Beths?
- It's more complicated than that.
You live with a version
of our dead daughter.
- I-It had better be.
- Get off your high horse, Lone Ranger.
I'm you. You will go on to be me.
Yeah why do you think I'm horrified?
I'd be fine walking
by this on the street.
I might even give it a dollar.
"This" is where you being "this" leads.
You're not my fault. I'm yours.
You met me on my way to save a very old,
very real friend after
a lifetime of reality.
I met you on your way to a fairy tale
- at Blood Ridge.
- Wait,
you're saying Blood Ridge goes bad.
We have a Vietnam? That's [BLEEP] cool!
Why am I saving a friend
that remembers me
as this insufferable?
BP, where the hell are you going?
Probably there.
Damn.
Wow, he's really taken
some drastic self inventory.
What do you think is down there?
If I had to guess, I'd say
we're near the memories
the Federation suppressed when
they resurrected him as a cyborg.
- He might be here to unseal them.
- He was a Federation cyborg?
That means there might be
some juicy intel down there.
Ah, good idea. Let's split up,
- and you go get it.
- What am I getting?
I-I can't hear you over the
sound of us spitting up!
For all your intelligence,
you seem unable to know
where you are wanted.
Buddy, this is not a safe
way to work on yourself.
At this point, I'd support
you joining Scientology.
I'll take the workshops with you.
I'll get in a sauna with Travolta
I don't even care what happens.
- Let's get out of here.
- Don't you get it?
I came here to end it all.
I hope you didn't think
it'd be as easy as this.
I did not.
You were a good friend, Rick. Goodbye.
Tammy?
Bird Person!
- We gotta go.
- Did you just see that?
Yep. Not our biggest problem.
I take it you found BP?
The dude just blew his mind,
and not in a cool way
like he went to Blue Man Group.
- Can we still get him out?
- Maybe.
If you die in your friend's
brain, you die in real life.
We have until his neural pathways erode.
Hold on. I need something first.
It's funny
I always wondered who would
win if we ever fought.
Then you were always a bad friend.
Your life isn't real,
and I didn't save it.
- Take off all your clothes.
- I knew this was how I'd die.
Whoa, oh!
- Can we still get him out?
- I think so.
B-BP went that way,
so we just have to
[BLEEP]! Find a different route.
We can make up distance if we go deeper.
- Well, where's that go?
- Ugh.
That's the Battle of Blood Ridge.
- That's our Vietnam!
- Your values are wrong!
This is the big show,
gentlemen and lady!
- Thank you!
- We're dropping into Blood Ridge,
one final chance to stop
the Federation offensive.
If we lose here
All aboard! Hey, don't mind us.
You guys are all just a memory of war.
Don't tell them that!
They won't fight right.
I think it's best if we ignore this.
[BLEEP]! [BLEEP], [BLEEP],
[BLEEP], [BLEEP], [BLEEP]!
Whoops, nope.
- Aw, this rules!
- No, it doesn't!
Neither does that!
Why would you not revisit this?
Oh, I don't know, maybe, uh, the ending?
Yeah! Best friendship ever!
So, the rest of our life is
just more of that, right?
- T-T-That kicked ass!
- Let's move.
That set piece won't stay put for long.
For real, that shit was cash.
Why would you not
Damn. That shit was cash.
It was extremely bad ass.
The Battle of Blood Ridge is over.
The Federation lost.
- I am in your debt.
- Come with me.
To somewhere nearby?
Anywhere. E-Everywhere.
Rick, I don't expect
you to keep fighting,
- but this war is
- Far from over, I know.
Dude, I share this with
almost nobody, but
I could take you, right now,
to this same battlefield,
in a universe where we lost,
or another where we won,
or another where the war
never even happened.
All equally real, all equally unreal.
None of it matters.
Then why did you help?
Because I respect you.
And I wanted you to know
you could respect me.
Even though nothing matters?
Okay. You matter to me.
- Uh, the relationship that we have
- I never used that word!
- is not worth my integrity
- Oh, my God.
It's not a complicated
transaction, my man.
"Would you like to join me doing
awesome shit that matters?"
"No, I would not. I would
rather be a judgmental dork."
Case closed. Really no
need to drag it out.
If you need me, use the beacon.
Yeah, I'm gonna use that beacon a lot.
I hope hope I don't wear it out.
Okay, got it. It wasn't the
battle that went wrong.
Mm-hmm.
Why the [BLEEP] are you risking
your life for that asshole?
- Because you love him.
- You do, maybe. I don't.
Yeah, yeah. You're real cool.
Now come help me save
his life or [BLEEP] off,
because I don't need you.
Wow.
Does it ever get any better than this?
No, Tammy. Trust me, it does not.
Thank you for bringing me here.
It's so beautiful.
I got you, you ungrateful
piece of [BLEEP]!
Rick, have you teamed up
with a memory of yourself?
I ask because that would be deeply sad.
You don't get to tell
anyone what's sad, man.
You're like a one-man Mount Sadmore.
So I guess like a Lincoln Sadmorial.
Seriously. Time to go, pal.
The closer you get to complete
neurocognital failure,
the more canon-y bull[BLEEP]
is gonna try to kill us.
Is this a bad time to reveal
I'm an undercover officer?
Everyone knows. You're dead.
Fine. Well, you're lucky my
fiancé remembers me as kind.
Eat my ass, BP. You're down
here bailing on the rest of us
because you don't want to
process your grief and shame
like a normal person by drinking
and mistreating strangers.
No, Rick, it is you who
must nibble my cloaca,
or "bird asshole."
Everyone knows what a cloaca is.
Sorry, but we do not get to choose
- the ones we love.
- You got that right.
Why do you think I'm
still [BLEEP] down here?
I died at my wedding, Rick.
I am merely waiting
for it to take effect.
- Are you gonna tell him or what?
- I was getting to it!
I bet she didn't even
tell you about the kid!
- I am sorry?
- About the what?
Was wondering when you were gonna
I think I'd know if I had a kid.
You're a memory. You know what he knows.
And he doesn't know because an
army of Brainalyzer protocols
walled off any memories
post-Phoenix Person.
Oh, my God. Operation Blahblahblah!
Well, because I wouldn't
know the name of it.
Tammy, if there were a child
Their father would be a terrorist.
They'd be a fugitive or contained.
Listen, if you won't live for yourself,
live for the half-Bird
Person, half-Megabitch
that's eatin' worms
on a prison asteroid.
I have made a decision.
I would now like to live.
Perfect timing.
- You drive.
- Just always been cool, I guess.
[BLEEP]! The bridge is out!
His mind is collapsing!
You thought we could
take the same route back?
You don't get to lecture me
about memory bull[BLEEP]!
You've known about it
for all of half an hour!
- Then don't be an idiot!
- This is your best friend?
He is a complicated individual.
Someone else drive!
BP, remember the night Jerry caught
us peeing on his begonia patch,
and I used that gun to erase his memory?
- Vaguely.
- Gotta hope vaguely works.
If I'm right, you remembering that means
you also remember the device.
Look for any memories of my garage!
God. I hope one's still up.
- Aww! The night we met.
- Gross!
- On my workbench?
- Squanchy used the
That's what some closets are for!
C'mon, I'm really counting on
your attention to detail here.
This is what you remember from my lab?
You would prefer I keep mental inventory
- of your stuff?
- Yes!
Rick Sanchez, you're under arrest
for making me spend two years
- in Earth high school!
- Go! Go! Go!
We'll have to do some creative
memory shit to get out of here.
The exit's when we met at Birding Man
and did Senthol Diempathate.
- Damn, a great time.
- Exactly, it's too happy.
There won't be a clean
path to get there.
We'll need to build one
with memories of mine
and lily-pad our way up.
Wh-What related memories do we share
heavy on anger and sadness?
- Geardude's funeral?
- Oh, that was sad.
Patris et Filii, Gearitus Sanctis
They're memories. Just run them over.
- They're not real!
- Hey!
- Wait, is that Gearhead?
- We were freedom fighters
- with his older brother.
- Hugely important context.
You thought we hung
out with him for fun?
We need one more bridge to the festival.
What's here? People in suits.
Sad catered lunch. Newly single widows.
Something performance based?
Squanchy's very distasteful eulogy.
Squanchy's terrible standup phase.
That's it!
Down that way!
So you know when you're squanching,
and she just gets real in there,
y'know that real nasty squanch?
Who are you What is
Oh, my God. I'm a memory!
We just sat through all
that standup for nothing!
Almost out!
Okay, listen everybody. My name's Rick.
This is my new friend
Bird Man and his friends.
We all just met at this festival,
and we're so high, we formed a band!
As if I'd ever let you escape me.
Eh, living's overrated.
- Hey!
- Remember me!
No, [BLEEP]! We were even!
You got a pretty cool memory of me.
Go-time, pal. Might be
time to do the thing.
I'm sorry for killing you
and turning you into
a cyborg, apparently.
- I really did love you.
- I loved you, too.
Goodbye, Tamantha.
Come on, man. I feel ridiculous!
Thank you for not giving up on me.
Great. You can pay me
back literally right now.
Holy [BLEEP]! Wow. Holy [BLEEP]!
We almost didn't make it.
Jesus [BLEEP]! That was
close. That was insane.
Oh, my God. That thing with the thing!
Thank you, Rick. Wait, wait, wait.
Lemme hop back over to my body.
We're back, baby!
Rick and Bird Person, a hundred years!
Whaddya think, tie this one off
- by tying one on?
- Not tonight.
I have, as you say,
"parenting shit" to deal with.
Right, yeah. Welcome to the club.
Don't, uh Don't clone it
and send one of the two into space
I guess they really hate that.
Whup, I think Memory
Rick ditched Evil Tammy
and snuck back over into my brain.
I have a pubescent memory of
my older self in my closet.
Gotta deal with that
That could get ugly.
Rick, I do not like to pull threads.
It is a disruptive and feline activity.
- But I must ask.
- It's fine. You don't have to
Was there really a second in there
where you knew about my child,
but chose not to inform me on the chance
I might then grow too busy
child rearing to hang out?
Oh. Uh
Weird way to thank me
for discovering your kid.
You did not know of the child
when you came to rescue me,
and once aware, refrained from sharing
until necessary to save yourself.
Fair enough.
I will see you when I see you.
What? What is this guy doing?
- W-Wait, what? But you said
- Get out of here, weirdo!
What a weird stranger.
Huh, what a random thing to happen,
this guy coming up here with
all his energy storage devices.
Disloyalty acknowledged.
Nah, I get it.
Just babysitting. That and
modelling my new pantyhose
in plain view of the living room.
Honestly the kid could come
watch. I'd welcome it.
This cultural time period's
cool like that, y'know?
It's It's It's
It's not what it looks like!
It looks like you propagated yourself
from BP's subconscious to mine
to try to live as a sentient memory.
Fair enough!
You don't have to be an enemy
just because you exist.
I did assume you'd hate
me for trying to live.
You've got this wild
callousness thing going on.
Yeah, you're young. C'mon.
Let's bring you to life and get a beer.
Does being real mean I
eventually become you?
I assume, yeah.
Maybe you can just remember
us getting a beer?
Hey!
Oh, [BLEEP].
Jesus Christ.
You ever think putting the
violent ones in the same place
might be counter-productive?
They don't pay us to think, Phil.
No, you're right, sorry.
Did you get any of that?