Scrubs s05e08 Episode Script

I was super-psyched to get my scooter, Sasha, back from the shop.
But my new scooter insurance hadn't kicked in yet, so I was being extra cautious.
Perfect.
Time for my morning slushie.
Get out of the way! The store's being robbed! Freeze! The wall! Hide behind the wall! No! Sasha! All right, all right.
OK.
There was a wall! What's the matter with you? Who's still shooting? She's down! It's over! - Is this gonna hurt? - Don't be such a baby.
It's a magnetic image.
I apologize, Mr.
Foster.
I'm a little upset.
My scooter, Sasha, was assassinated this morning.
He was attached to that thing.
He used to wear a bracelet, "Sasha forever.
" Come on, Turk.
It was just a joke, and I only wore it for one week.
Whatever.
Now let's fire this baby up.
OK, so I still wear the bracelet.
Idiot.
Oh! My watch! - Hey, Carla! - Earphones, Ted! Sorry.
Hey, Carla, did you hear the lottery's up to a hundred million? If I win that baby, it's separate beds for me and my mom.
Yeah and you could spend the other 99,999,000 on therapy.
What would you do with the money? Carla, I can't believe you're gonna be a mom.
I know.
It was expensive, but totally worth it.
Right, baby? Stupid lotto.
- Good morning, Mrs.
Wilk.
- It's a great morning.
Whoa! That is wrong.
Care to join me in a super-loud throat clear? Absolutely.
One, two, three.
Elliot, I can't believe you would do that! - What'd you do? - Was it naughty? When women want men to completely zone out, there's one thing they can talk about Yesterday, I went shoe shopping and there was this one pair - of Manolo Blahniks - Shoe shopping.
Great, we can talk.
What were you thinking? We kissed.
I've been treating his kid for a week now and we hit it off, you know? It started out with some flirting.
"Hi, I'm Dr.
Reid.
" "Why is there blood in my son's stool?" - Huh? - Whose stool? - Strappy sandals.
- Shoe shopping.
Continue.
And then I asked where his wife was.
He said, "She's not with us.
" And then, you know blaah.
Cool.
Oh, I almost forgot.
Lace bra.
- Were they D's? - Be specific.
Good news, Mr.
Foster.
The radiologist said your scan is completely clear.
We'd like to keep you here for tests.
Whatever you say, doc.
Weird things can happen in a hospital.
Like Doug not getting a dead body out of his bed before rigor mortis sets in.
Give me a hand.
He's not gonna fit in the body bag like this, so lie across his feet and I'm going to push down his head - and straighten him out.
- Fun! And one, two, three! Ted? The weirdest thing is when a cool guy who's fine and talking to you one minute is dead the next.
In hospitals, this happens a lot, so you have to shake it off and move on.
Except when this happens Well, if it isn't the Four Horsewomen of the Apocalypse.
There's a morbidity and mortality conference tomorrow to figure out who's responsible for Foster's death.
And here's the exciting news: I'm pretty sure it was one of you.
You really gotta change that cell phone ring.
Mom, not now.
# I can't do this all on my own # No, I know I'm no Superman # I'm no Superman # So a patient was dead and one of us was gonna be blamed.
Dude, you've gotta change that ring.
You think so? Mom, not now.
With morbidity and mortality conferences, the first question sets the tone for the day.
- Who the hell ate my scone? - That would be me.
It was delicious.
My compliments to the little lady.
- I made those.
- I know.
Dorian, you admitted Mr.
Foster with coughing and shortness of breath, is that correct? Yes.
Mike check.
Mike check.
Yes.
And then what happened? Dorian.
I'm ten feet away from you.
Talk.
Mr.
Foster had recently flown to India where he had been exposed to an outbreak of pertussis.
I was gonna check his labs, but first I had to visit another patient, Mr.
Sutton.
So, Mr.
Sutton, when you came in with heartburn, I bet you thought I'd kick your butt out of here.
But not this guy.
I admitted you and stayed up all night studying your EKG because I had a hunch and no girlfriend.
But mostly it was the hunch.
And that hunch paid off because, if I hadn't found that blocked artery, you'd be dead right now.
And here comes the gratitude, the two words every doctor lives to hear.
Later, dude.
I can't believe he didn't thank me.
You'll thank me when you leave? I don't know.
Why are you so needy? He keeps a hug schedule with his friends.
OK, Turk, looks like someone's getting crossed off their 2:00 spot and penciled in for never.
How does that feel? Does it sting? He's hurting.
Hug him.
Hug him now.
You guys, what would you do with a hundred million dollars? A hundred million dollars? The Super Lotto jackpot was up to a hundred million dollars.
So earlier that morning I'm just saying, think of what you could do with that kind of money.
- I could get a trained shark.
- Why? Thanks for inviting me, Janitor.
Anytime, buddy.
Anytime.
Wait for him wait for him Can opener! The lobster's in the pot.
Devour! Devour! Something feels pinchy.
Save me a leg.
I'm in.
We could buy a lot more tickets if we collect money from everyone.
- I'll go through their lockers.
- I meant asking them.
Seems kinda roundabout, but OK.
Hey, Dr.
Cox, you want to put in for some lottery tickets? Oh, gosh, Carla, I would.
I really would.
But you see, I already set fire to a big pile of money just this morning.
We have the same chance of winning as anyone else.
And the category is ding! Things that have a better chance of happening than you winning.
Ted-ski, throw ten seconds on the clock for me, would you please? - Go! - Brain transplants, Britney Spears having another hit, the Rolling Stones going on a farewell tour and meaning it, me caring about anything that happens on Wisteria Lane, Jessica Simpson winning an Oscar, Jessica Alba winning, Simpson becoming Alba-Simpson - Time! - Oh! Anyway, that explains why I went into the room and said What would you do with a hundred million dollars? - Me? Floating Head Doctor.
- Here we go.
I'd spend the money researching how to separate my head from my body.
That way I could literally be in two places at once.
Looking good, Mr.
Henderson.
Looking real good, Nurse Myers.
Uh-oh.
He's flatlining! Body, come! Damn it! Starting CPR.
Ow! There'd probably be some kinks to work out initially.
Where is that whore? - Who's a whore? - That'd be me, sir.
Oh, of course.
Would you care to elaborate? See, yesterday, I went shoe shopping Shoe shopping.
Shoe shopping.
Oh, please.
Jordan used to use that one on me all the time.
Immune.
Watch this.
Satin panties.
Fine.
I was checking on Mrs.
Wilk and Mrs.
Wilk, I just wanted to explain to you my behavior before.
It's not like I was making out with some random guy.
I wouldn't do that.
Well, I did that once.
There was this Medi-Vac pilot.
Actually, he just turned out to be an orderly who got his hands on a helicopter helmet.
But this is different.
Sure, it could get complicated.
He has a son And a wife.
I've been making out with a married man while his sick child slept a few feet away.
Oh, my God, I've become my mother.
Hi.
You said your wife was dead.
I said she wasn't with us.
Don't make me out to be a bad guy.
Well, you're not a good guy.
Good guys don't lie about being single or about helicopter pilots.
If you were a good guy, you would get in there and tell her what happened.
- You're right.
- Hell, yeah, I am.
Wait, what? You know how when something horrible happens, like a car accident, everything slows down? No! Whore! Where is that whore? Hey, guys.
What's up? Would you do me a favor and cover Mr.
Foster for me? I have to go to Mr.
Sutton's and get the thank-you I deserve.
You are so obsessing about this.
Like the time you were convinced the cafeteria was giving you small waffles.
How'd that work out for you? They waffle-ironed my foot.
This is different.
- Look, I need a ride.
- Pass.
Oh, pass, huh? Well, this is what happened last time you passed.
OK, put the foot away.
Put the waffle foot away.
This is where Sutton lives, right? Let's get in there.
J.
D Dude? OK, just back away slowly.
Oh, no! Turk, they're organized! Run! Good Lord, Bobbo, was that your stomach? And there it was.
Hope.
Dr.
Kelso's inability to deal with hunger was legendary.
We were as good as home.
I've heard enough.
Let's call it and go to lunch.
Just hold on.
That is not the way it works, Bobbo.
This is important.
You sit back down and get on with it.
Perry, I'm in charge here.
Ted, give him your sandwich.
I suppose I could spare a small corner.
Everyone just stay right where you are and we will be back in two minutes.
One sandwich later, we got back into it.
And then what happened, Dr.
Dorian? Well, sir, fortunately for us, ostriches are flightless birds.
There goes the sentry.
Every three minutes, like clockwork.
Dude, can I admit something to you? I kind of missed not getting my hug today.
Here comes your vanilla bear.
J.
D.
J.
D.
Oh, J.
D.
! - Whoa-oh-oh! - Oh! Dude, don't sweat it! It says here that the ostrich is generally a docile creature.
Thank God.
It also says their kick can kill a man.
What? I'm coming back up! Turk! Mr.
Sutton, I hope this isn't a bad time.
Who cares about Mr.
Sutton? So, Dr.
Reid, you were covering Mr.
Foster.
Actually, sir, I was on my way to cover Mr.
Foster, but then I stopped in Mrs.
Wilk's room and - What are you doing? - Don't look at me.
Do you see the woman standing outside? - Yeah, I see her.
- I made out with her husband.
That's disgusting.
OK, just get out of here and do PFTs on Mr.
Foster.
Dr.
Reid, why are you hiding? You didn't do anything wrong.
If we all win this lottery then I am using that money to find a decent man.
You may kiss the bride.
Whoa, save it for tonight, big guy.
Mazeltov.
Why did I make him Jewish? My parents will kill me.
Why ostriches? They're majestic creatures, don't you think? And they're kinda like my children.
Plus, I make belts out of their necks.
Look, Mr.
Sutton, you're wondering why I'm here.
- There is a door.
- Man.
You OK? Did you try and escape? I did escape.
There was one waiting in the car.
That's Leon.
Loves the car rides.
Likes to stick his head out the window.
I tell him it's dangerous.
He doesn't listen.
Mr.
Sutton, I cured you and you never thanked me.
Why thank you for doing your job? I'm a garbage man.
How times a day do you think I get thanked? - Six.
- You're off by about six.
Twelve! I'm starting to see why Leon outfoxed you.
Stupid bird stole my hat.
I don't see why it's such a big deal for you to say, "Hey, doc " Why'd he just walk away like that? Ruh-roh.
Don't move.
I gotta admit he looks pretty phat in your Kangol.
Hey! They're about to pick the lottery numbers.
And remember that when we win, we win as a family.
I set aside 20 tickets for you and I to split.
Perfect.
Nurse Espinoza, Mr.
Foster's cough is getting worse and Dr.
Dorian's gone.
Dr.
Reid's covering, but she's indisposed.
Kid, I'm about to become a millionaire.
Call Dr.
Turk, he's the surgeon on-call.
You're missing out.
There's plenty you could do with a hundred million dollars.
Oh, come on.
You gotta make that shot.
Let me out of here! I will kill you! I'm watching the game.
Sweetie, you want to get naughty? Ooh.
Ohh.
Ahh.
Ahh.
Come on.
Do it.
Do it.
I can wait another day.
Button up and watch the game.
I gotta call my glass guy.
Mrs.
Brown, I want you to know how sorry I am for kissing your husband.
But we are two women who have been wronged and lied to, and the healthiest thing for us to do right now, walk away from each other with our dignity intact.
Don't you agree? Do you know what I do with whores? I punch them in the face.
Bring it, bitch.
Dude, are you really gonna sit here all day just to thank your garbage man? Jabbarie has been added to the hug schedule.
Want to wait with me? I can't.
I was supposed to be on-call five minutes ago.
This whole experience got me thinking about the nature of gratitude.
I guess in the end Whether you're a doctor or a garbage man Dorian, what are you doing? Sorry, sir.
Sometimes I like to just sum things up.
Well, allow me to do that for you.
In the end, when Mr.
Foster started coughing up blood the on-call surgeon was stuck in traffic the nursing staff was busy losing the lottery his original doctor was thanking a garbage man and the covering physician was incapacitated.
And what was Mr.
Foster doing? He was dying in the hands of the interns.
How did I do, Dr.
Dorian? Sorry I'm late.
I got the keys to my Miata stuck in the cadaver.
Cut to the chase there, pee pants.
Mr.
Foster's death was the result of a pulmonary embolism, probably caused by the 21-hour flight he was on from India.
Dr.
Flannery, the radiologist, should have caught it on the scan.
Working from an inaccurate report, there was nothing any of you could have done to prevent Mr.
Foster from passing.
Which, I guess, leads us to you, Dr.
Flannery.
After a day like today, there's really only one thing you can do To bad radiologists.
Wait, wait.
Let me get in on this.
Let's also have a toast to Mr.
Foster's widow and his fatherless kids.
Dr.
Cox, it wasn't our fault.
No, because you were lucky.
You know as well as I do, it could have been any one of your faults.
Congrats again.
Have a have a swell party.
It's not easy when someone accuses you of screwing up, especially when you know it's true.
When that happens, you can't shrug it off, because in a hospital, the best way to learn from your mistakes is to carry them with you.