Star Trek: Lower Decks (2020) s05e08 Episode Script

1
♪
T'LYN: Hmm. Will
someone please explain
why we are mutilating gourds?
It's an ancient Earth tradition
for a holiday called Halloween.
Jack-o'-lanterns were
supposed to keep demons
from entering your home.
Huh. I thought they
were just spooky and fun.
Is it sad that Tendi knows
more of our history than we do?
Oh, yeah.
Check it out.
BOIMLER: Oh, look
at the little Cerritos.
- Aw, that's so cute.
- Commendable accuracy.
Hey, guys. Oh, nice, I
didn't miss the pumpkin party.
- Whoa, what's with all the paint?
- Away mission.
We were supposed to study
a calcified forest on Malman 5,
- but then we got trapped in a painting.
- What? No way.
Yeah, some local was using
hologram tech to take pictures
of the landscape and
accidentally sucked us in.
It turned into a
whole, big epic escape.
I got to ride a rainbow.
Oh, man, I've always wanted
to get stuck in a painting.
Anything happen while I was gone?
Nope.
Same old, same old.
[SHORT CHUCKLE] Classic Cerritos.
You know, on other ships,
it's the command crew
that gets into trouble,
not, like, random lower deckers.
That's okay.
I like our commanders.
I mean, so do I, but
they're no Janeway,
Kirk or Sisko, you know?
Yeah, our guys mostly spend
their time doing paperwork
instead of carving V'ger.
- TENDI: Oh.
- BOIMLER: Whoa.
"The Creator must join with V'ger."
Boimler, let's, uh, let's go
replicate some more snacks.
All right, remember
to stay out of sight
or you're gonna get pulled into
some boring bridge crew meeting.
We deserve a day off.
You know, it's kind of funny,
we're sort of the stars
of the show around here.
The commanders seem to
just fade into the background.
Yep, without us lower deckers,
there'd be nothing to see.
- Oh, crap!
- STEVENS: [CHUCKLES] We've got another
full schedule on the
old to-do list, Captain.
- I never get a day off, do I?
- Not with me around.
Now, remember, I need a
couple of hours for myself tonight.
Well, we better hurry, then.
Your schedule's pretty full.
Never a dull moment
when you're in command.
Nothing would ever happen around here
without the bridge crew.
♪
♪
♪
♪
The Zerta pathogen has
been contained to Deck Four.
Officer Barnes has almost recovered
from her transformation.
Oh, yes, the virus that caused
her DNA to what was it?
Evolve? Devolve?
Both.
She was a futuristic cavewoman
who could read minds but
was also afraid of open flame.
How did you get her to
stop attacking people?
Eh, thought about a candle.
That reminds me, Dr. T'Ana,
we've had some complaints
about your pain management.
Who squealed?
Just, please, brush
up on your anesthetics.
Security.
Mosaro, when the lake was smooth.
Starfleet Command
reports increased chatter
from the Clickets.
Nothing that should affect us.
- The who?
- They're the insectoid species
that hate being complimented.
Wonder what they're mad about now.
Maybe someone gave
them a birthday present.
[LAUGHING]
Just keep me updated. Mr. Shaxs?
[MUFFLED]: Are you feeling okay?
- Mr. Shaxs, what-what is going on over there?
- Uh
[HISSING]
- [GASPS]
- FREEMAN [CLEAR]: Mr. Shaxs,
you're looking a little out of sorts.
Requesting a day off,
uh, effective immediately.
- Okay. Granted.
- [GROANS]
[PANTING]
We still can't figure out
what's got these buhgoon
creatures all riled up.
Hopefully the Starfleet
ecologist can sort it out.
Make sure he gets whatever he needs.
I don't want those things
defecating all over the hull.
Engineering?
My team refreshed all the Cordry rocks
in the ceiling panels on the bridge.
Ugh, hate those things.
They always fall out
and hit me on the head
when we take damage.
Well, their non-centrosymmetry
disrupts the charge leptons
in the isolinear pathways
of the main deflector,
- which then causes
- I trust you have it in hand.
If there's nothing else
Bring it in, everyone.
ALL: Strong and brave, wise and true,
- that's what makes us Cerritos crew!
- Yeah.
What's up next?
Ensign Barnes' sousaphone recital.
She hasn't mastered the
basics, but she's gotten very loud.
Didn't Barnes just
evolve/devolve into a cavewoman?
Apparently, it didn't affect
her sousaphone blowing.
Great.
RANSOM: First officer's log.
When a specialist visits the ship,
I like to make sure they feel
like they have our full support.
Right this way, Professor.
My team's working
on getting a space cow
for you to check out.
The buhgoon are a rare,
endangered extremophile,
not cows.
I've never been able to
study one up close before.
Well, they look like cows to me.
- MOXY: What's taking you guys so long?
- [OVERLAPPING CHATTER]
- Come on.
- Get in here, you friggin' thing.
- It can't hear you, it's in space.
- [GROANS]
KARAVITUS: Okay, genius,
you tell me how to get it in there.
What do you think I'm doing
over here with the tractor beam?
RANSOM: While scientists
can be high-maintenance,
it's usually getting our lower
decks to work with each other
that can be the tricky part.
Lock it down, ensigns.
Maybe a little less arguing
and you'd have one of
those buhgoon in here.
We're trying to get
one, but Ensign Friendly
doesn't want to hurt their feelings.
Hey, you take that
back! I'm not friendly!
- Do you hear yourself?
- MOXY: Uh-oh, it worked too well.
We got an asteroid incoming. Look out!
Aah! [GRUNTS]
[LOW GROWL]
Ha.
Us Delta Shifters
know how to take care of a problem.
Hey, you almost killed me.
Then why don't you
almost complain about it?
[WAILS]
Ugh, what the heck?
A natural cloaking ability.
Ha, they use their hide to hide.
- [SHOUTS] - Look out!
- Somebody grab it.
What do you mean, grab
it? It's the size of a shuttle.
- Don't you talk to me like that.
- I never want to work
- with you again.
- Aah! It rolled on my foot.
- CASTRO: What's wrong with you?
- [WHISTLES]
This reminds me of a story.
Back a few hundred stardates ago,
there was another commander
who could bench 305.
Okay? Which meant I had to
do something to impress her
Kimolu and Matt said I
couldn't beat Big Wave Tommy
because he was king of the beach.
- [GROANS] - It took
a lot of gnar shredding,
but once you get your
water feet, you are locked in.
So, a week before the competition,
- I started eating a lot of junga fruit.
- [GROANS]
SHAXS: Chief security
officer, personal log.
The visions are happening again,
more potent than ever before.
Aah!
I don't care how many times
you come back to haunt me.
I'll never let you win.
[LAUGHS] You can't fight me,
because I am you, Papa Bear.
No.
You're a freaky little monster
that lives in my brain.
Oh, am I?
[GASPS, SHOUTS]
The Battle of Tempasa?
- [GASPS]
- [DEVICE BEEPING]
The Cardassians put
a bomb in the artifact.
Everyone, get down!
Aah!
[SHOUTS, PANTS]
As time passes, I grow stronger,
while you get older and fade away.
I'll kill you!
I'll
[SHOUTS]
To control you, I
have to control myself.
That's stupid.
Hit me!
[INHALES]
[MEDITATIVE HUMMING]
Pathetic.
Humming won't hurt me.
But I will!
BILLUPS: Chief engineer's log.
I had a bagel for breakfast,
and it gave me a tummy ache,
but, I'm feeling better.
Anyway, uh, nothing
engineering-wise to report.
Okay, bye.
Commander, are you busy?
Just monitoring plasma flow.
What's up, Ensign?
I've got a nonfunctional
indicator light
behind panel 785.
You mind if I go ahead
and make the repair?
Well, sounds simple enough.
Uh, sir?
[GASPS]
Oh, no.
Everyone, out of here now!
What is it?
Retrofitted plasma canisters.
Help me pull off the panels.
Careful, they're gonna be hot.
- MEREDITH: Retrofitted?
- BILLUPS: Sometimes I have to get
a little creative with repairs.
I guess I never
bothered to replace 'em.
Are they dangerous?
They're chock-full
of energized plasma.
We have to disable their power source
or an overload could cascade
back to the warp core.
Whoo! [LAUGHS]
- Are you sure you can't
do this on your own?
You're the one who spotted the bulb.
It's a good learning experience.
[WHIMPERS]
Even if I die?
Everybody dies, but it's the engineers
who really get to live.
T'ANA: Chief medical
officer's [BLEEP] log.
I should be focusing on my work,
but I got some constructive
criticism in the staff briefing
that's got me in a [BLEEP] mood.
I refilled the hyposprays.
We're good to go next time some virus
makes everyone sing or whatever.
Shut up and leave me alone!
Ho-ho, someone woke up on
the nasty side of the bed today.
Spare me your [BLEEP], Westlake.
Nobody else is going to
put up with you, honey.
Apparently some of the crew
don't like my pain management.
Uh, because you don't?
Manage pain, I mean.
Sick people come in,
healthy people go out.
That should be enough.
You swore an oath to do no harm.
Someone's not happy,
they can point to the pain chart.
Just because you have
a high pain tolerance
doesn't mean anyone else does.
Okay, yeah.
I see what you're saying.
- Good. I'll restock the anesth
- We have to update
the pain chart.
[MEOWS]
What are you doing?
You're gonna [BLEEP] me
up so I can feel some pain.
No, this is stupid.
It was your idea.
Now shut up and rearrange my guts.
[SIGHS]
Come on! Turn up the [BLEEP] [BLEEP]!
Oh, [BLEEP] yes!
[SOUSAPHONE PLAYING]
[HUMMING ALONG WITH MUSIC]
Oh, just beautiful.
Hardly affected by
your protruding brow.
[GRUNTING]
ENSIGN: When my reproductive
jelly started emulsifying,
my first thought was,
"I hope the captain
attends my fertility event."
I honestly didn't even
know you weren't human.
ENSIGN: I get that all the time.
- [STEVENS CHUCKLES]
- Ooh, here we go!
I've hit rock bottom.
My friends had all discovered
what I was doing on the holodeck.
They shunned me.
I felt stuck out of phase,
like Geordi and Ro, wandering
Alone.
Stirring stuff, Mr. Bingston.
I wish I could stay
Act seven: The oberth year.
The Manticore was
known as one of the fleet's
- "fun" ships.
- [SNORING]
- But it's hard to have fun
- [SPUTTERS] I'm here! [LAUGHS]
when you go from
being the star of the show
to a two-bit player
♪
[BUHGOON CHITTERS]
[ALIEN GROWLS]
- [CREW ARGUING, SHOUTING] - RANSOM:
First officer's log, supplemental.
What should have been
a pretty straightforward
creature study has
gone a little sideways.
We got two more incoming.
- Aah! Damn it.
- Ransom roll! Aah!
- Watch out for the shuttles!
- You let it go right past you!
- I can't grab what I can't see.
- Me? You're dumber than Fletcher.
[PANTING] Great idea
pulling a rock in here.
Now we can't keep 'em away.
What are you talking about, bro?
You had the same idea.
I can't get a scan if you
don't calm them down.
What does it look like I'm doing?
RANSOM: Usually my expert guidance
cuts through any crew
conflict, but, occasionally,
I have to resort to plan B.
[WHISTLES]
Still can't get it together, huh?
Gather round, your commander is here
and I have a plan.
[GRUNTS] On one hand,
you have these rowdy space cows.
Buhgoon.
And on the other,
they're turning invisible
and knocking everyone over.
Oh, yeah.
That's the stuff.
How is this supposed to help?
You got to believe in
the power of exercise.
Is he just working out?
Come on, let's try to corner one.
Physical fitness clears the mind.
Oh, yeah!
♪
Those tubes were connected
to a half-assed coil relay.
I must have been distracted.
Maybe my mom was visiting?
So, we got to turn that off, too?
Yeah, but I got it used
from some Bynars,
so it activates an AI defense golem
to prevent tampering.
What's an AI defense golem?
Oh, it's an artificial
construct that Whoa!
- Aah!
- Meredith, it's up to you!
What do I do?
[BILLUPS SHOUTS]
Force a reboot by holding
down its power button
while telling a sad story
from your childhood that
demonstrates human emotion.
Uh, one time, when I was a kid,
my dad took me to the
beach and we saw a dead fish.
That's not sad enough!
Aw, for [BLEEP] sake,
I haven't been
overwhelmed with pain yet.
We need to up the ante!
But this is used to slice atoms.
Yeah, mother[BLEEP],
just zap me with that
mother[BLEEP] thing!
[CACKLES] That's the stuff!
[WHOOPS, MEOWS]
[BOTH GRUNTING]
You can snap my neck,
but what will you do
against all your victims?
All the Cardassian warriors
getting their revenge.
They weren't warriors.
They were occupiers!
[GRUNTING]
FEDEROV: That is literally
the wrong way to do that.
KARAVITUS: Blah, blah, blah.
Who do you think you are Picard?
[GRUNTS, STAMMERS]
[RANSOM GRUNTING]
Oh, yeah.
[ZURKEL GROANING]
Professor, is your
research going as planned?
- [HISSES]
- Oh, your face fell off.
Do you need medical assistance?
Silence, fool! [GRUNTS]
You're not from Starfleet.
That's right.
[ROARS]
You'll never take the Cerritos.
We don't want your puny ship,
- we want the buhgoon.
- Why?
To harvest their cloaking organs,
and maybe eat what's left,
depending on texture and flavor.
You're why they've been so agitated.
Aah!
- [GRUNTS]
- Your plan can't be
- to take control on your own.
- Of course not,
which is why my infiltrators
are targeting your senior officers!
[SNORING]
He worked out so much
he had to take a nap?
You are the worst commander
I've ever had in my life.
- Wake up!
- Oh!
[SHUDDERING]
[MEDITATIVE HUMMING]
ZURKEL: You and your pathetic crew
are no match for my infiltrators.
Everyone ignores the Clickets,
but once we have the
power to cloak our ships,
we'll spread all over the quadrant!
Clickets, Clickets.
Why does that ring a bell?
Ring a bel
See?!
You don't even know us.
And we've faced off before.
- We have?
- [HISSES]
[SHOUTS]
Ah. Thanks, Ensign.
Thank you for coming to my recital.
Aah!
Sorry, I thought I saw some fire.
On your feet, Stevens.
We have invaders to repel.
[GRUNTS SOFTLY]
But that's not on the schedule.
I'm sorry, sir.
I never should have
messed with that light.
[COUGHS]
If you hadn't,
we wouldn't have
found all that stuff to fix.
You got to let me
get you out of there.
No.
You'd let all the coolant out.
It's okay.
This is how all engineers want to go.
At work, in a tube.
I can't let that happen.
- [YELLS]
- What are you doing?
That axe is for emergencies only.
What's your definition
of an emergency?
[GRUNTS] We're in this together, sir.
Fine, then hurry. [GRUNTS]
We have to decouple
the deuterium conduits
before the thermal blankets
push the valve blocks
into the adjustment coils.
And I'll deactivate the
magnetic constrictors
while you cycle the reactor conduits.
FEDEROV: Sir, can we
get some guidance on the
Whoa!
What the hell?
Die, Starfleet!
- Deltas, take the left.
- On it.
[GRUNTING]
- [CHEERING]
- We did it!
Listen, us Beta shifters
don't like you Delta shifters
for all sorts of reasons.
Right back at you.
But we can at least agree
that Ransom's the worst.
- Totally. He sucks.
- Big-time.
I think he likes that
we don't get along.
It's like some weird power trip.
How about we put aside our differences
and work together to get
these buhgoon under control
- just to spite him?
- Yes.
- Oh, I'm in.
- Let's do it.
- [SNORING CONTINUES]
- MOXY: Shh, shh.
[WHISPERING]: Over here, over here.
- Shh.
- FEDEROV: Get over here, big guy.
Damn it, we need to get to the bridge.
[HISSING]
[GROWLING]
[CHUCKLES] I'm just glad
you don't play the recorder.
[EXCLAIMS]
One more step and you'll feel pain
like you've never felt before.
[ANGRY MEOWING]
[GRUNTS]
That was set to kill.
So am I!
- [MEOWING VICIOUSLY]
- [CLICKET GROANING]
[MEOWING]
[GROANING]
And scene.
[MEDITATIVE HUMMING]
[GRUNTING]
Die, Starfleet!
[GROANING]
[GRUNTING]
[GROWLS]
- Put me down.
- [YELLS]
Welcome to the bear pack.
- [CRUNCHES]
- [YELLS]
[CLICKET CHITTERING]
Oh. Oh, buddy, sorry about that.
My infiltrators have taken
over every deck, Captain.
You have no power over my warriors.
The Clickets.
You're right, I don't.
I guess I have to compliment
you on a successful invasion.
[GASPS] What did you say?
You're amazing at subterfuge.
- [GROANING]
- Stop.
What's happening?
You see? This is why you pay attention
in the morning briefing.
Clickets can't stand
being complimented.
[PAINED GROAN]
Your kind words burn me.
It's not my fault your species evolved
a fight-or-flight response
to being praised.
I'll kill you.
- You're handsome.
- [GROANING]
[OVER P.A.]: You've got
amazing breath. I love your work.
I'm impressed with your whole vibe.
- [GROANS] - At the end of the
day, you're a captain doing his best
to watch out for his
crew, and I respect that.
Aah! Emergency transport.
Everyone out of there now.
♪
[GROANS] What a bunch of weirdos.
There you go.
Go home, big guy.
[BUHGOON SNORTS]
These things aren't so
bad once they calm down.
You're not so bad yourself.
Sorry for being such
a hard-ass earlier.
I guess nothing brings people together
like a mutual enemy.
I'm talking about
Ransom, not the invaders.
- You guys want to hit the bar?
- Uh, yes.
[DOORS WHOOSH OPEN]
[CHUCKLES] Works every time.
First officer's log.
As usual, my grasp of
the lower-decker mind
has proven to Oh,
uh [CLEARS THROAT]
Carry on, Ensign.
I know you just pretend to be an idiot
to trick us into getting along.
- Are you gonna tell anyone?
- No.
I think it's cute.
Plus everyone thinks you're a doofus.
Nobody would believe me.
'Cause I'm just that good at the job.
It was a scary, weird day,
but it really was a good
learning experience.
Thanks, Andarithio.
Whoa, gonna stop you right there.
First names only when
we're on the brink of death.
Yes, sir.
I'll get to dismantling
that electronic face.
- Commander Billups, are you busy?
- What's up, Cadet?
I found a burned-out
indicator light above the door.
Could you help me with the repair?
Let's do this.
So, what's next on the schedule?
- Nothing, you're all good.
- Come on, Stevens.
Those Clickets had to put us behind.
See? Look, there's a
meeting in Holodeck Three.
But you said you needed some time off.
Yeah, it's my anniversary today.
I was gonna try to
have a nice long call
- with Admiral Freeman.
- You still should.
I know little meetings with
the crew seem inconsequential,
but, they're the most important
part of being a captain.
The admiral will understand.
Zo?
- Carol?
- Wha?
What are the odds of seeing you here?
- How did you?
- Mm.
Mr. Stevens reached out a month ago,
said he made sure to put
some time on your schedule
so I could surprise you
with a romantic dinner.
Oh, honey.
I can't believe you came all
the way out here from Earth.
Happy anniversary.
How was your day?
Alien invaders, chaos in engineering,
Shaxs fighting demons,
you know, just the usual.
Hmm.
Glad to hear you had it easy.
Mr. Shaxs, you made a quick
exit from the morning meeting.
Oh, just my usual fight
with the astral projection
of my unresolved rage
from the occupation.
Did you know therapy can armor you
with even more weapons
for your metaphysical battles?
- When can we start?!
- Ow!
[BLEEP], that chowder's hot.
Okay, fine, I get it.
We can stock up on pain meds.
- That's a good kitty.
- Ah, shut up.
[PURRS]
Ah, bar sweet bar.
Uh, I think I just heard someone
say they fended off invaders.
Did we miss something?
No way. Nothing ever
happens if we're not involved.
[SOUSAPHONE BLOWING]
Perhaps our commanders
are the leads of their own stories
when we are not observing them.
[SCOFFS] No way.
We're the
spice and glitter around here.
Is it that hard to believe
they do interesting stuff, too?
Yes. That's my whole
worldview. Stop trying to shake it.
I saw your dad in the hall.
Yeah, right. That's impossible.
I saw him, too. He
was kissing your mom.
Stop making stuff up.
I saw Admiral Freeman and the captain
- getting trapped in a painting.
- What? No way.
- Really?
- T'LYN: No.
I have made a joke at your expense.
Boom.
[ALL LAUGHING]