The Batman (2004) s05e08 Episode Script
The Metal Face of Comedy
So this is what Captain Slash plans to use to destroy the city.
Nightwing.
You again? Slash.
[BOTH GRUNTING.]
[SCREAMS.]
When will you learn? You can't play at my level.
[YELLING.]
[LAUGHING.]
Man, Slash nailed me again.
BRUCE: Nightwing? My Internet game character.
Cool, huh? But not as cool as him.
I bet the real Slash is one totally awesome-- MARTY: Dude! Take your Nightwing and give it a rest.
JOKER [OVER HEADSET.]
: Slacker, are you playing video games? Well, uh.
JOKER: Or are you purposely not controlling these bank-robbers-in-a-box? He had them working in rehearsal.
Whoo! Oh, hon, we can still rob the bank without them.
I'm not in the mood now.
Hmm.
But I am in the mood to do something else.
Ha-ha-ha.
[SNARLING.]
Oh, Pudding, give him a chance.
Martin's got lots of ideas.
Uh, yeah, dude, this one's totally cool.
A video-game helmet I modified.
Video game? Boys, dinner is served.
That lets you mentally download money out of a bank into your own secret account.
Hmm.
Mentally download money? Now there's a video game worth playing.
[LAUGHING.]
BRUCE: I know I called you last minute, but I wanted you to be the first to see this.
Bruce, we're not here to watch stupid dog tricks, are we? No, because that's not a dog.
And it's not a trick.
It's the latest nanobot technology.
Not only have we been able to give each tiny robot its own flight-sustainable motor, but also the ability to magnetically bond together.
Their interdependent programming enable them to form any solid shape.
And they can even self-replicate.
Gentlemen, you are witnessing a leap in technology so great that-- [RADIO BEEPING.]
Uh, I can't even finish talking about it.
Davis, take over.
[SNORING.]
Enjoy the afternoon nap, kiddies.
While those of us on the cutting edge of technology explore new ways to rip you off.
[LAUGHS.]
JOKER: Let's see if this baby works.
Accessing account for withdrawal.
[LAUGHING.]
Ha.
Transferring cash to secure account.
No keys, no vaults, no combinations.
Just mind over moola.
Look, Ma, no hands.
And no future.
[ROBIN GRUNTS.]
Spoilsports.
[JOKER GRUNTS.]
[SCREAMING.]
[GROANS.]
Captain Slash's lightning insignia? Harley, what happened to your hair? JOKER [ON COMPUTER.]
: Why are you wasting breath on that impostor when the real McCoy is right here? A digital Joker? When this thing short-circuited it must've transmitted a duplicate Joker into the system.
Hmm? If that's true, then: Try and cuff me now, Batsy.
Ha-ha-ha! I will.
You're not leaving this computer.
Slacker? Slacker.
Download me.
Now! Ta! At least we've still got the real Joker.
A digital Joker could be just as dangerous.
Let's get the original one to the hospital.
Dude, you've gone cyber.
How totally cool is that? My idea of cool is not spending the rest of my life as a screen saver.
You're making Marty feel bad.
He'll figure a way out.
Right, Marty? I've heard of something new in town that might help you.
But we'll need a diversion to access it.
Hi-dee-ho, Gotham.
And welcome to HD Joker TV.
Let me ask you all.
Does this high-def make my hips look big? ROBIN: He's broken into every major system.
This antivirus program should flush him out.
Nice try, Batsy, but that just tickles.
He must be transmitting himself from a system I haven't accounted for.
Like, maybe inside a game system.
Here, let me.
Yeah, he's in the game.
Slacker, how long does it take to break into that lab? Dude, I'm almost in.
Wayne Tech.
That's where he's going.
Joker's been diverting us from his real plan.
But he can't carry it out if he's deleted.
Nightwing? You should pick better company, captain.
Slacker.
MARTY: I'm in.
[WHIMPERS.]
Huh? Ooh.
Mm, yeah.
Ooh.
I feel like a million bucks.
[JOKER 2.
0 LAUGHING.]
Still behind glass.
Joker, you're not thinking outside the box.
Use your head.
[LAUGHS.]
That was a no-brainer.
[LAUGHING.]
[GASPS.]
Oh, look who's arrived at my coming-out party.
The party's over, Joker.
Oh, no, Batsy.
It's just getting started.
[LAUGHING.]
I'm guessing the only thing worse than a digital Joker is a nanobot Joker.
[SIREN WAILING.]
Medical report.
Stat.
Y-You had a bad accident.
You're a very sick man.
Flattery won't save you.
[DOCTOR YELLING.]
Consider me an outpatient.
Ha-ha-ha! [JOKER 2.
0 LAUGHING.]
Daddy's home.
Dude, it worked.
Hate to admit it, but you finally did something right.
Sorry, boys, he's off the menu.
For now.
[GROWLING.]
Don't take it wrong, hon.
But a boyfriend who is a collection of itty-bitty robots is kind of weird.
I'll have you know I'm the greatest version of Joker there has ever been.
Joker 2.
0.
More like a bad joke.
Minus one.
Ah.
I should've known I'd show up.
Pudding? Real pudding? Tapioca.
I'm not even going to ask since I'm sure this is one of your snafus.
[GROWLING.]
[GASPS.]
Am I really that ruggedly handsome? Peekaboo.
Ha-ha-ha! Ugh.
Ha, ha.
I can't stay mad at myself.
BOTH: Let's work together.
Let's get this show on the road.
Huh? Aah! [THUD, GUARD GRUNTS.]
Hey, wait.
Open the gate, Slacker.
Deactivating main gate.
Showoff.
[ALARM WAILING.]
ROBIN: The gem depository.
Gotta be Joker.
But which one? Unh! You gotta help me, brother.
Gladly.
I'll forward your mail to Gotham Prison.
Attention: Old Joker, version 1.
0.
Ha-ha-ha! [GRUNTING.]
Mission accomplished.
But where's Pudding, Pudding? Ehh.
Okay, kiddies.
Let's roll.
JOKER: Hold it.
Not without the real, real me.
[WHISTLING.]
[LAUGHING.]
Eww! Creepy.
Dude, where did you get the extra nanobots to do that? I made them myself.
Just one of my tricks.
[GRUNTING.]
[GROANING.]
We have some too.
That's it, Batsy.
Give him the old shock and awe.
Turncoat.
Ha-ha-ha! Lovely night for a drive.
Hit the gas! [ENGINE REVS.]
Excuse me, Batsy.
I have some unfinished business to attend to.
[GRUNTING.]
Am I getting bigger or is the Batmobile getting smaller? This isn't the Batmobile.
JOKER 2.
0: Correctomondo.
It's the new nanobot Batmobile.
A compact version gets better gas mileage, don't you think? ROBIN: What made it disintegrate? An electromagnetic pulse.
It can temporarily deactivate the nanites.
Huh? If Nano-Joker can keep multiplying, how do we stop him? We stall until we can bring in something bigger to match him.
Alfred, I'm gonna need an item from the cave.
License, registration.
Joker.
[GASPS.]
Whoa, cool fake out.
Uh, whose side are you on? Sorry, Pudding, but you gotta admit, Pudding 2.
0 really rocks.
Gotta go with the upgrade, dude.
This is going to hurt me more than it is me.
Joker, put the Joker down.
[JOKER GRUNTING.]
You can't fool me twice, Batsy.
I've given myself an upgrade.
[JOKER 2.
0 LAUGHING.]
[ALL GRUNT.]
Let me give you the bigger picture.
With my self-replicating talents I'll tear Gotham down and turn it into my own nanobot version.
Joker City.
The only thing it will be missing [ALL GRUNT.]
is you.
Ha-ha-ha! [JOKER SCREAMS.]
[JOKER 2.
0 LAUGHING.]
[JOKER SCREAMING.]
[JOKER SCREAMING.]
Oh, huh? When you send for bigger help, you mean it.
Good timing, Alfred.
I'll take it from here.
HARLEY: You big bully.
You didn't have to destroy my old Pudding.
Never delete the master copy, dude.
On the contrary if certain master copies don't keep in line I may delete them too.
Do you hear me? [ENGINE ROARS.]
Hear this.
Ha, ha! That's giving him a mouthful.
Batsy, you in there? Come out and play.
Okay, let's play.
Uh? [GRUNTING.]
Ha.
[WHIMPERING.]
Looks like I'm going to need some filler.
[LAUGHING.]
[GROANING.]
Shocking, isn't it? [LAUGHING.]
[SCREAMS.]
Yes, it is.
[GROANS.]
HARLEY: Oh, Pudding.
Wait for us.
We're with you, uh, again.
I'll get better mileage without traitors.
[FOOTSTEPS THUDDING.]
You're all traitors.
[WHIMPERING.]
[ALL GRUNT.]
It's a wrap for real Joker and his posse.
[LAUGHING.]
He's getting inside the cockpit.
It's all your fault, you game freak.
You're Captain Slash? Batman if digital Joker was downloaded into the nanobots from a video game maybe he can be uploaded out of the nanobots and back into the game.
Brilliant, dude.
But you'll need a stronger signal than the one on that laptop.
BATMAN: Transfer the signal to this.
[GRUNTING.]
[LAUGHING.]
[SIGHS.]
How did I get back in here? And who are you? Nightwing.
[PUNCH, JOKER 2.
0 GRUNTS.]
And it's game over.
Oh, Pudding.
At least we got our family back together again and Marty has even more ideas.
I wonder if the Penguin has these staffing problems.
[SIREN WAILING.]
Nightwing.
You again? Slash.
[BOTH GRUNTING.]
[SCREAMS.]
When will you learn? You can't play at my level.
[YELLING.]
[LAUGHING.]
Man, Slash nailed me again.
BRUCE: Nightwing? My Internet game character.
Cool, huh? But not as cool as him.
I bet the real Slash is one totally awesome-- MARTY: Dude! Take your Nightwing and give it a rest.
JOKER [OVER HEADSET.]
: Slacker, are you playing video games? Well, uh.
JOKER: Or are you purposely not controlling these bank-robbers-in-a-box? He had them working in rehearsal.
Whoo! Oh, hon, we can still rob the bank without them.
I'm not in the mood now.
Hmm.
But I am in the mood to do something else.
Ha-ha-ha.
[SNARLING.]
Oh, Pudding, give him a chance.
Martin's got lots of ideas.
Uh, yeah, dude, this one's totally cool.
A video-game helmet I modified.
Video game? Boys, dinner is served.
That lets you mentally download money out of a bank into your own secret account.
Hmm.
Mentally download money? Now there's a video game worth playing.
[LAUGHING.]
BRUCE: I know I called you last minute, but I wanted you to be the first to see this.
Bruce, we're not here to watch stupid dog tricks, are we? No, because that's not a dog.
And it's not a trick.
It's the latest nanobot technology.
Not only have we been able to give each tiny robot its own flight-sustainable motor, but also the ability to magnetically bond together.
Their interdependent programming enable them to form any solid shape.
And they can even self-replicate.
Gentlemen, you are witnessing a leap in technology so great that-- [RADIO BEEPING.]
Uh, I can't even finish talking about it.
Davis, take over.
[SNORING.]
Enjoy the afternoon nap, kiddies.
While those of us on the cutting edge of technology explore new ways to rip you off.
[LAUGHS.]
JOKER: Let's see if this baby works.
Accessing account for withdrawal.
[LAUGHING.]
Ha.
Transferring cash to secure account.
No keys, no vaults, no combinations.
Just mind over moola.
Look, Ma, no hands.
And no future.
[ROBIN GRUNTS.]
Spoilsports.
[JOKER GRUNTS.]
[SCREAMING.]
[GROANS.]
Captain Slash's lightning insignia? Harley, what happened to your hair? JOKER [ON COMPUTER.]
: Why are you wasting breath on that impostor when the real McCoy is right here? A digital Joker? When this thing short-circuited it must've transmitted a duplicate Joker into the system.
Hmm? If that's true, then: Try and cuff me now, Batsy.
Ha-ha-ha! I will.
You're not leaving this computer.
Slacker? Slacker.
Download me.
Now! Ta! At least we've still got the real Joker.
A digital Joker could be just as dangerous.
Let's get the original one to the hospital.
Dude, you've gone cyber.
How totally cool is that? My idea of cool is not spending the rest of my life as a screen saver.
You're making Marty feel bad.
He'll figure a way out.
Right, Marty? I've heard of something new in town that might help you.
But we'll need a diversion to access it.
Hi-dee-ho, Gotham.
And welcome to HD Joker TV.
Let me ask you all.
Does this high-def make my hips look big? ROBIN: He's broken into every major system.
This antivirus program should flush him out.
Nice try, Batsy, but that just tickles.
He must be transmitting himself from a system I haven't accounted for.
Like, maybe inside a game system.
Here, let me.
Yeah, he's in the game.
Slacker, how long does it take to break into that lab? Dude, I'm almost in.
Wayne Tech.
That's where he's going.
Joker's been diverting us from his real plan.
But he can't carry it out if he's deleted.
Nightwing? You should pick better company, captain.
Slacker.
MARTY: I'm in.
[WHIMPERS.]
Huh? Ooh.
Mm, yeah.
Ooh.
I feel like a million bucks.
[JOKER 2.
0 LAUGHING.]
Still behind glass.
Joker, you're not thinking outside the box.
Use your head.
[LAUGHS.]
That was a no-brainer.
[LAUGHING.]
[GASPS.]
Oh, look who's arrived at my coming-out party.
The party's over, Joker.
Oh, no, Batsy.
It's just getting started.
[LAUGHING.]
I'm guessing the only thing worse than a digital Joker is a nanobot Joker.
[SIREN WAILING.]
Medical report.
Stat.
Y-You had a bad accident.
You're a very sick man.
Flattery won't save you.
[DOCTOR YELLING.]
Consider me an outpatient.
Ha-ha-ha! [JOKER 2.
0 LAUGHING.]
Daddy's home.
Dude, it worked.
Hate to admit it, but you finally did something right.
Sorry, boys, he's off the menu.
For now.
[GROWLING.]
Don't take it wrong, hon.
But a boyfriend who is a collection of itty-bitty robots is kind of weird.
I'll have you know I'm the greatest version of Joker there has ever been.
Joker 2.
0.
More like a bad joke.
Minus one.
Ah.
I should've known I'd show up.
Pudding? Real pudding? Tapioca.
I'm not even going to ask since I'm sure this is one of your snafus.
[GROWLING.]
[GASPS.]
Am I really that ruggedly handsome? Peekaboo.
Ha-ha-ha! Ugh.
Ha, ha.
I can't stay mad at myself.
BOTH: Let's work together.
Let's get this show on the road.
Huh? Aah! [THUD, GUARD GRUNTS.]
Hey, wait.
Open the gate, Slacker.
Deactivating main gate.
Showoff.
[ALARM WAILING.]
ROBIN: The gem depository.
Gotta be Joker.
But which one? Unh! You gotta help me, brother.
Gladly.
I'll forward your mail to Gotham Prison.
Attention: Old Joker, version 1.
0.
Ha-ha-ha! [GRUNTING.]
Mission accomplished.
But where's Pudding, Pudding? Ehh.
Okay, kiddies.
Let's roll.
JOKER: Hold it.
Not without the real, real me.
[WHISTLING.]
[LAUGHING.]
Eww! Creepy.
Dude, where did you get the extra nanobots to do that? I made them myself.
Just one of my tricks.
[GRUNTING.]
[GROANING.]
We have some too.
That's it, Batsy.
Give him the old shock and awe.
Turncoat.
Ha-ha-ha! Lovely night for a drive.
Hit the gas! [ENGINE REVS.]
Excuse me, Batsy.
I have some unfinished business to attend to.
[GRUNTING.]
Am I getting bigger or is the Batmobile getting smaller? This isn't the Batmobile.
JOKER 2.
0: Correctomondo.
It's the new nanobot Batmobile.
A compact version gets better gas mileage, don't you think? ROBIN: What made it disintegrate? An electromagnetic pulse.
It can temporarily deactivate the nanites.
Huh? If Nano-Joker can keep multiplying, how do we stop him? We stall until we can bring in something bigger to match him.
Alfred, I'm gonna need an item from the cave.
License, registration.
Joker.
[GASPS.]
Whoa, cool fake out.
Uh, whose side are you on? Sorry, Pudding, but you gotta admit, Pudding 2.
0 really rocks.
Gotta go with the upgrade, dude.
This is going to hurt me more than it is me.
Joker, put the Joker down.
[JOKER GRUNTING.]
You can't fool me twice, Batsy.
I've given myself an upgrade.
[JOKER 2.
0 LAUGHING.]
[ALL GRUNT.]
Let me give you the bigger picture.
With my self-replicating talents I'll tear Gotham down and turn it into my own nanobot version.
Joker City.
The only thing it will be missing [ALL GRUNT.]
is you.
Ha-ha-ha! [JOKER SCREAMS.]
[JOKER 2.
0 LAUGHING.]
[JOKER SCREAMING.]
[JOKER SCREAMING.]
Oh, huh? When you send for bigger help, you mean it.
Good timing, Alfred.
I'll take it from here.
HARLEY: You big bully.
You didn't have to destroy my old Pudding.
Never delete the master copy, dude.
On the contrary if certain master copies don't keep in line I may delete them too.
Do you hear me? [ENGINE ROARS.]
Hear this.
Ha, ha! That's giving him a mouthful.
Batsy, you in there? Come out and play.
Okay, let's play.
Uh? [GRUNTING.]
Ha.
[WHIMPERING.]
Looks like I'm going to need some filler.
[LAUGHING.]
[GROANING.]
Shocking, isn't it? [LAUGHING.]
[SCREAMS.]
Yes, it is.
[GROANS.]
HARLEY: Oh, Pudding.
Wait for us.
We're with you, uh, again.
I'll get better mileage without traitors.
[FOOTSTEPS THUDDING.]
You're all traitors.
[WHIMPERING.]
[ALL GRUNT.]
It's a wrap for real Joker and his posse.
[LAUGHING.]
He's getting inside the cockpit.
It's all your fault, you game freak.
You're Captain Slash? Batman if digital Joker was downloaded into the nanobots from a video game maybe he can be uploaded out of the nanobots and back into the game.
Brilliant, dude.
But you'll need a stronger signal than the one on that laptop.
BATMAN: Transfer the signal to this.
[GRUNTING.]
[LAUGHING.]
[SIGHS.]
How did I get back in here? And who are you? Nightwing.
[PUNCH, JOKER 2.
0 GRUNTS.]
And it's game over.
Oh, Pudding.
At least we got our family back together again and Marty has even more ideas.
I wonder if the Penguin has these staffing problems.
[SIREN WAILING.]