The League s05e08 Episode Script
Flowers for Taco
Sweetheart, we have to leave after this-- we have - Christopher's music class.
- Who's Christopher? Ah, Chalupa Batman.
Oh.
By the way, what's up with him? I haven't seen him in a while.
Is he talking? - Christopher is great.
- Yeah.
And he's, you know babies are By the way Einstein didn't speak till he was three years - old.
- You think Einstein may have been working from better genetic material? Or he can end up working at Einstein's Bagels.
You guys are all so smart.
What were your first words, genius? "Poo-poo," I stand by them.
It's a classic, I still use it.
I hope they're my last words.
Ruxin? I was told that my first words were "Not me.
" Oh, typical corporate attorney denying responsibility from birth.
What about you, Andre? Oh, oh, let me guess.
"I want stone-washed Rock & Republic diapers.
" My first word was "Amaretto.
" Yeah, that makes sense.
Your parents were probably pounding the hard stuff as soon as you were born.
Ruxin, can't you just lock that dog away while we're here? Look, I don't want Kale 2.
0 either, but ever since Taco brought over that canine old folks home, Geoffrey wanted a dog.
Well, he's a creepy dog.
He's a perv.
He pops a boner every time I'm around him.
It's embarrassing.
It's embarrassing that he's got such terrible taste.
Hey! Take it easy, herdsman.
Hey, little pooch.
Showtime.
It's mortifying, you guys.
I can't even look.
It's disgusting.
No lipstick.
Nothing happening.
There's nothing.
>>ea Ry? Not even a pig in a blanket.
Oh, well, thank goodness 'cause it's just such a relief because it's just, it's embarrassing.
I'm happy you're such a good dog.
Yes, I am.
That's right.
Use your Kathleen Turner voice on him.
You know, I am so happy that nothing is happening.
Rejected! I'm not upset about this, you guys.
If you still want him to pop some wood, maybe you could do what you do to Kevin and express his anal glands.
That happened once.
Once? Once.
Oh, so Jenny's pinky's first word was "poo-poo," too.
I can't stop thinking about that stupid dog.
I mean, the lipstick didn't even get out of the purse.
It didn't even make it out of Sephora.
It's stupid.
It's really bothering me.
It is, come here.
You know you and that dog have been growing apart for quite some time now.
Don't joke, Kevin.
And the dog's older and you're getting older.
What? Well, I mean, factually, babe, you every day are becoming one day older than the previous day.
No, I'm not actually.
You're right.
Look, it's not about you.
It's about the dog.
The dog has gotten so many boners for you, he is over it.
The way you get sick of having sex with the same person eventually.
Excuse me? What? No, no! No, no, not me.
I'll have sex with you right now to prove how interested I am in having sex with you.
Oh, the only reason you would have sex with me right now is to prove that you are still interested in having sex with me? Well, we just did it a couple days ago.
Good night.
I'm not a machine.
Ah, I'll be ready to go in the morning though, babe.
Ow! So what are we thinking the old first words for Chalupa are gonna be? If it's a numbers game, it's gonna be Mom, Dad or shitbag.
Or Uncle Andre.
Uncle Andre? 'Cause I'm the godfather.
Who told you that you were the godfather? Well, you didn't say it, but I feel like I've been taking that role.
Hello.
Whoa, what the hell is that? This is Elvis.
Ellie's class cockatoo.
We never discussed an Elvis.
We have a new teacher.
She wants everyone to take a turn.
Wait, I'm sorry.
The school let you take home a pet after what happened to Shakespeare the guinea pig last time? That was an accident.
Dad, you have to promise me not to kill, cook or eat this one 'cause I love Elvis.
Yeah, who doesn't love Elvis? Um the cage.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Um, is this all right? Oh, my God.
Elvis! Oh, my God! It got me, too! And none for me.
How did you not get hit? I've never been hit.
Birds just don't find me attractive.
Huh, must've been a female bird.
I'm lucky.
No, bullshit, you are due.
Yeah.
There is a grand dookie drop coming your way.
It's gonna be a juggerpoop.
I've never been hit.
I won't be hit.
Jesus, Taco.
Taco! I'm literally getting a contact high sitting right next to you.
I'm gonna start charging for that.
What is in the briefcase? Well, goddamn popo's cracking down on weed again, so I'm converting all my green assets into a safer drug currency.
It's a briefcase brownie.
Whoa! Jesus.
This is easier to store, way less suspicious and much easier to get animals high with.
Okay, great.
Now I can go to the cloud whenever I want 'cause I have the cloud with me at all times.
It's like a cloud bank.
I don't think the cloud is what you think it is.
By the way, did I miss the circle jerk? Yeah, Andre won.
Oh, good work, Andre.
I didn't even know about this.
Hey, CB.
Daddy found an amazing new stats Web site.
It's subscription-based so the other cockhonkers would never spring for it.
It analyzes play-calling tendencies, strength of schedule and it will tell me the top sleeper for the second half of the season.
So after this week's games when the waiver wire opens up, I'm gonna pick up Isaiah Pead.
Isaiah Pead, yup.
Oh, Isaiah Pead, my beautiful chocolate Jesus.
- Isaiah Pead.
- No, no Isaiah Pead.
No, no Oh, uh Isaiah Pead! Oh, stop the clock! Did he just say his first words? No, no, that was me.
That was me talking pee-pee talk to him.
Are you sure he didn't say any words? I He I heard his voice.
I heard him say words.
Does this smell like shit? Oh, God, Kevin! Does it? Oh, God, it does! Smell this.
You did that.
That's a man poop.
Does this phone smell like shit? Oh, God, that's the worst pickup line ever.
Smell like shit? Get out of my face, please.
Let me, let me smell it.
Smell like shit? Ooh, yeah.
Please, smell it again.
Smell it again.
All right, enough It smells like shit.
Is anyone gonna fix the flickering light in the men's room? It's like a goddamn Nine Inch Nails video in there.
It's gonna give me a seizure.
Relax, Taco, why don't you take another withdraw from the cloud bank? Yeah, that's a good idea.
I don't know what it is with this thing.
It's just not doing it for me.
Oh, I know why you're being a little bitch because these don't have any reefer in them.
And they skipped on the hazelnut.
Oh, God, that's why I've been feeling so weird.
I haven't felt this way since I was a little kid.
I accidently got not high.
Hey, the cloud's gone.
Congratulations.
It looks like there's gonna be some clear skies for Taco.
Oh, God, what-what do I do? Do you think everyone knows I'm not high? Everything is so clear.
I can see your pores, everything.
You guys are so ugly.
Why are we even friends? What's going on? We have nothing in common.
We're brothers.
Oh, my God! No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No one forces me to face reality without THC.
You hear me? No one! This shall not stand.
Uh, ma'am, you forgot your cookie.
Whoa! What the hell's going on in here? Hey, man, you're, uh Yeah, the guy who brought you all his weed so that you'd turn it into a brownie and give it to me.
Yes! Yeah.
We made that brownie.
And then we ate that brownie.
So you stole it from me? No, we redistributed.
Are you high? Look at that stupid grin and your laid-back demeanor.
- That's supposed to be me! - Look at nothing's getting through to him.
You ever experience anything like this? No.
No.
No.
Oh, what's happening right now? Baked in a bakery And I'm as stoned as hell Gonna go home early 'cause we ate everything we sell Okay, stop it! Stop it! No one wants to hear stupid, made-up songs.
Where the hell'd you get that guitar? I brought it with me.
You just bring a guitar to work? Doesn't everybody? This is so frustrating! It's like talking to a block of marble.
Bonjour, Kevin.
Comment ça va? When did you start speaking French? I took four years of it in school.
And all of a sudden, it's just all coming back to me.
I keep having a stream of thoughts that are all connected, instead of just random ones every now and again.
It's called thinking, Taco.
I do not like this thinking.
And remember those secret camping trips that Uncle Frank used to take us on? Shh, shh, shh.
I don't think we ever left his backyard.
Ellie, um, take your homework upstairs.
Come on.
Oh, God, I-I am not meant to be a part of this world.
Please, I need to borrow some money so I can go get some weed.
No! I'm not subsidizing your weed habit, Taco.
And besides, with the weed crackdown, the prices are through the roof.
I can't afford it.
Why is the government always cracking down on these small-time drug dealers? Because drugs ruin lives and they're illegal and that's the government's job.
Ah! Make it stop! God, has your head always been that big? Think it's still growing.
Mmm, you ready? Yes.
Hey, Jenny.
You look great.
Going out to dinner, I guess, huh? Yeah, we have to leave early enough so we can swing by Ruxin's.
I have that book for Sofia.
Okay.
Something's going on over there with that dog.
Right? I know.
It's weird.
This erectile conundrum is quite intriguing.
You see, dogs get boners-- that's what they do.
And if he's not getting boners for you, he's getting boners for someone or something else.
Now, if you'll humor me for a second, I came up with a law, conservation of boners.
Wow.
You see, there's a finite amount of boner energy, or "bonergy," in the universe.
Now, boners cannot be created or destroyed.
Oh, boners can be destroyed.
In the bedroom, yes, but not in theoretical physics.
Now, my theory is that the missing doggy boners are being transformed into other boners.
So, wait, I am turning on other animals now and they're getting boners for me? Transmigration of boners? No, no, no.
See, that was debunked a long time ago.
The science just isn't there.
Boners cannot teleport.
They can only move in one continuous flow of blood to dongers.
I mean, where would those boners be going? To Kevin? Nah, that dick's deader than disco.
Hey.
Hey.
Is he tying a stick to it yet? Hey.
Oh, look, it's the prostitute my dog ordered.
Excuse me? Oh, no, no, no.
See, Kevin and I Hey.
we were just on our way to dinner, and I thought it would be a great opportunity to return the book that I borrowed from Sofia.
Well, Sofia's not here, and she barely likes reading menus.
You know what? Just go get the goddamn dog, okay? Absolutely.
Oh, Kale, your dog streetwalker has arrived.
Come here, babe.
Well, there he is.
Handsome devil.
You come here.
Oh, does that feel good? I think he can sense that you're not wearing underwear.
Oh, do you like it when I do that? You want me to do it a little harder, a little faster? This is a low point, not only for you but I think for the dog as well.
Not that into it, huh? You know what? I don't know what you did to this poor dog.
Is he drunk? Yeah, he's into Bordeaux now.
Really? Yeah, he's a Bor-dog.
He's not so much into wine coolers.
I am not a wine cooler, okay, buddy? At the very least, I am a top-shelf boxed wine.
Hey.
We're leaving.
Grab my coat.
Okay.
Later, Franzia.
My streak was almost broken, all right? I leave my work.
I see a bird.
Boom, we lock eyes.
I start walking quick 'cause I don't want to get shit on, right? And then I get to my car, try to get the door open, get inside, slam the door and what happens? Shit right on the windshield.
It's a near-dookie experience.
It means your next time you won't be so lucky.
You're not getting in my head anymore.
You think you're so cool.
You're like a low-rent frittata Keyser Soze.
I like it.
I'll take it.
That's you.
Yeah.
Hello, gentlemen.
Oh, Pete, ah, it looks like we're matched up this week.
That's right.
This week is my Taco-bye.
I'll tell you what, I will start three kickers if you start three kickers.
Oh, that's funny.
You know what else is funny? What's that? When I stopped smoking, not only did my knowledge of the French language come back but my love of all things football as well, mm-hmm.
What? If you think I'm gonna be playing Chris Johnson at Seattle, you're sadly mistaken.
No, the Seahawks, dude, they take it to the next level with the 12th Man.
However, I will be calling up the Law Firm.
How do you know what the Law Firm BenJarvus Green-Ellis? Yeah, yeah.
I like him for at least one short TD against the Bills, maybe two.
I also have a good friend by the name of Jimmy Graham.
Yeah, the Saints in a high-scoring game against the Patriots? Sky's the limit.
As for kickers, I'm gonna play only one, thank you, and I'm thinking Matt Prater.
So that every time your Peyton Manning scores, this guy gets a point as well.
You might want to stretch your jaw, Pete, 'cause you're gonna eat a lot of shit this week.
What? No, no, no, no, no.
That is not fair.
Everybody else got their Taco-bye.
I want my win this week! Aw I was counting on this victory to get me up to 500.
You're scared.
A smart and sober Taco is a detriment to the league.
We have to get up on that wagon, and we have to knock his ass off.
We did it once before, remember? Okay, Pete, I stole the weed from my parents.
Now can I be in the group? We'll see, Andre.
Bring us a picture of your sister naked.
Then we'll talk.
Hey, Kevin, Mom's gonna get mad at you for missing piano lessons.
My brother's such a geek.
Stop it.
Let's get him high.
Yeah! No! No! No Hmm, interesting.
Dude, he's so high he doesn't even remember his own name.
Do you remember what your name is? Taco.
My name is Taco.
No way.
Taco.
On that day, Taco was born.
Now, I decree we must re-stone him.
As commissioner, I say no to re-stoning my brother.
He may actually end up being a functional member of society, perhaps even starting a family.
Look at him.
Hi there.
Hi.
You are very attractive.
Would you like to have sexual intercourse with me in the bathroom? No.
In the ladies' room? Dude, I'm sorry.
I'm just I'm not interested.
I mean, honestly, why would you be? I have no visible means of support, I wear clothes I find on buses and I comb my hair with a fork.
Ew, you're just gross.
Yeah.
Go find someone who deserves you! Maybe not the family part yet.
Guys, I just realized I am not a catch.
Taco Corp? It's a joke.
Don't forget about the pee bibs.
Pee bib? It's a goddamn napkin.
All right, CB, these are your last moments with Elvis.
He's going to bed, so that means you have to go to bed.
Isaiah Pead.
No, no, stop saying, "Isaiah Pead.
" It's important that Dada gets Isaiah Pead and not Mama.
Isaiah Pead.
Stop saying, "Isaiah Pead.
" I'm Papa.
Papa.
Good job, CB! Isaiah Pead! Ball sack! Not you! Isaiah Pead! Isaiah Pead! Stop saying Isaiah Pead.
Isaiah Pead.
Isaiah Pead.
I'm home! Oh.
Hello? Got the groceries.
Isaiah Pead.
Isaiah Pead! Isaiah Pead.
Stop saying that.
Isaiah Oh, my God! Hello? Isaiah Pead.
Isaiah Pead.
Isaiah Pead.
No, no.
No Isaiah Pead.
Jenny's home.
Okay.
I have them all myself.
Isaiah Pead.
Isaiah Pead.
Hey, stop it! Let go! Get back! Oh! Go! God.
Oh! - Isaiah Pead.
- Isaiah Pead.
Shut up, you shit sipper! Isaiah Oh, Elvis! Oh, no! Isaiah Pead.
Oh, Elvis.
Looks like the toilet bowl got you twice.
Kevin? Oh, uh Kevin? Isaiah Pead Jenny, I'm surprised you're rockin' the sweats.
You just gave up completely on getting the Kale boner? Oh, you know, what's the point? Yeah, that's the only reason to look pretty-- the dog.
Where's PBS on this thing? Whoa, that is not PBS.
That is Red Shoe something Oh! Oh, there it is.
The bone zone.
Now, that's the good good.
Oh, shut up.
Stop doing that.
There you have it-- a doggie erection.
Okay, so, Jenny no longer produces canus erectus, but scantily-clad women torturing each other does.
Fascinating.
Kale, get off the table.
It's as if he's be desensitized to normal human women and now can only be aroused by women in violent situations.
That's a stretch, Taco, all right? That's ridiculous.
It is, but not impossible.
Why do you think this is the case, Ruxin? That only young, pert she-whores now inflame your pet, when Jenny, in the rattiest of Old Navy irregular sale items, used to do it for him? Hmm? I'm not sure.
I'll think about it while I'm getting you guys some more beers, or Hmm.
Oh, they're okay.
They have plenty of beers.
Now, if we use the principals of deduction, I'm sure we can get to the bottom of this.
Okay, you guys do that while I take my dog for a walk.
See you.
A walk? Of course! I know where the boners have gone.
All right, if you're gonna drop a steamer, do it in the bushes, all right, buddy? As Ruxin was so kind to remind us, he's been taking his dog for longer walks recently.
I think the coast is clear, Kale.
And we all know Sofia's strict, no-porn policy.
Yeah, there's such a plethora of free sites now.
Look at this.
These girls are sisters.
They fight a lot, but they actually love each other.
Oh! So, I submit that Ruxin has been watching pornography on his cell phone during his dog walks.
Balderdash! Ah, ha, ha, ha! We all know Ruxin's favorite porn subgenres are girl-on-girl and bondage.
Aah! Ew.
And the little doggie started watching the pornography with his master.
I was hoping for a little more interracial stuff, but all right.
Hey, Kale, you're drilling a hole through my leg, buddy.
Come on.
And thus the case of the missing dog erections is closed.
That actually kind of holds water.
That makes sense.
You're like the Hard-on Boys.
Goddamn it, Taco, you idiot, genius, frittata, busybody! You think you're so smart.
A sneer is the weapon of the weak.
What? Huh? Huh? James Russell Lowell.
Look him up.
Ooh, there's a volume eight.
We need to re-high him.
Yeah.
Hope you have your prescription pad, Andre, 'cause we need some medical-grade shit.
Hey, I got the drugs.
- Andre, wait wait wait.
- What? Oh, yes, oh, you are gonna get it, oh your time has come.
- No, no, some more time.
- Oh, really? Andre, just throw me the bag, okay? Just go gracefully, Andre.
You've had your time.
No, no, no.
Give me your jacket.
Just throw me the drugs so we can save them.
Throw me your jacket, and I'll throw you the bag.
Hell, no! You think you're so smart.
I'm the smart one.
Watch this.
Are you going back draft? Look, look.
Nothing, not at all.
Unbelievable.
Hear that birds? Ha, ha! Oh.
Thanks, Andre.
Are you okay? Oh, Andre, judgment day.
Uh-oh! Oh, that's the juggerpoop! Help me! Help me! You are literally a shit sipper.
I'm not touching you.
I don't know much about pop culture, 'cause I don't own a television.
Oh, my God, I don't own a television.
I love talking to other people who don't own televisions about not owning a television.
I love talking to people that do have televisions about how I don't own a television.
I love talking to people who don't own televisions around people who own televisions.
Oh, hey, guys.
Oh, my God.
What's going on? Hey! Put me down, will you?! Shut your mouth! Come on! Put me down! Hit it! Go, go, go, go, go, go! You stay down! What's going on What are you guys doing? Let go of me! Okay, we're clear! What's going on? All right.
What are you guys doing? Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no, I don't want to go to dehab.
We don't want to send you, buddy, but we think it's best for everyone.
No.
Except for you.
I'm reading The Corrections.
I have to finish it! I don't know how it ends! Please! It's super depressing.
Light 'em up, boys.
No! An apple a day keeps Smart Taco away.
No! Let go of me! No! Please! Drop it in! Is he dead? Is he dumb? Oh, hey, guys.
Hey, Ruspin.
Hi, Taco.
Welcome home.
Oh, yeah! Those are really cool hats.
Waiver wire is open.
Isaiah Pead, please.
Isaiah Pead.
What's that? Isaiah Pead.
Hello? Isaiah Pead.
Hello? Hello? Oh! Isaiah Pead! Die, devil bird, die! Isaiah Pead! Pead! Pead! Isaiah Pead! - Oh.
- Isaiah Pead.
Oh.
What is going on in here? Elvis? Isaiah Pead.
Isaiah Pead.
Isaiah Pead? Isaiah Pead.
It's a really good idea, actually.
Okay, Lady MacArthur's adding Isaiah Pead.
Isaiah Pead.
Boom.
High five, dude.
Hello.
Yeah.
Oh, no, no! Elvis, why can't you stay dead, you shitbag, bird? Shitbag.
Shitbag.
Shitbag! Wow.
Great first word.
Shitbag! Shitbag.
Shitbag.
Oh, zip it.
Shitbag.
- Who's Christopher? Ah, Chalupa Batman.
Oh.
By the way, what's up with him? I haven't seen him in a while.
Is he talking? - Christopher is great.
- Yeah.
And he's, you know babies are By the way Einstein didn't speak till he was three years - old.
- You think Einstein may have been working from better genetic material? Or he can end up working at Einstein's Bagels.
You guys are all so smart.
What were your first words, genius? "Poo-poo," I stand by them.
It's a classic, I still use it.
I hope they're my last words.
Ruxin? I was told that my first words were "Not me.
" Oh, typical corporate attorney denying responsibility from birth.
What about you, Andre? Oh, oh, let me guess.
"I want stone-washed Rock & Republic diapers.
" My first word was "Amaretto.
" Yeah, that makes sense.
Your parents were probably pounding the hard stuff as soon as you were born.
Ruxin, can't you just lock that dog away while we're here? Look, I don't want Kale 2.
0 either, but ever since Taco brought over that canine old folks home, Geoffrey wanted a dog.
Well, he's a creepy dog.
He's a perv.
He pops a boner every time I'm around him.
It's embarrassing.
It's embarrassing that he's got such terrible taste.
Hey! Take it easy, herdsman.
Hey, little pooch.
Showtime.
It's mortifying, you guys.
I can't even look.
It's disgusting.
No lipstick.
Nothing happening.
There's nothing.
>>ea Ry? Not even a pig in a blanket.
Oh, well, thank goodness 'cause it's just such a relief because it's just, it's embarrassing.
I'm happy you're such a good dog.
Yes, I am.
That's right.
Use your Kathleen Turner voice on him.
You know, I am so happy that nothing is happening.
Rejected! I'm not upset about this, you guys.
If you still want him to pop some wood, maybe you could do what you do to Kevin and express his anal glands.
That happened once.
Once? Once.
Oh, so Jenny's pinky's first word was "poo-poo," too.
I can't stop thinking about that stupid dog.
I mean, the lipstick didn't even get out of the purse.
It didn't even make it out of Sephora.
It's stupid.
It's really bothering me.
It is, come here.
You know you and that dog have been growing apart for quite some time now.
Don't joke, Kevin.
And the dog's older and you're getting older.
What? Well, I mean, factually, babe, you every day are becoming one day older than the previous day.
No, I'm not actually.
You're right.
Look, it's not about you.
It's about the dog.
The dog has gotten so many boners for you, he is over it.
The way you get sick of having sex with the same person eventually.
Excuse me? What? No, no! No, no, not me.
I'll have sex with you right now to prove how interested I am in having sex with you.
Oh, the only reason you would have sex with me right now is to prove that you are still interested in having sex with me? Well, we just did it a couple days ago.
Good night.
I'm not a machine.
Ah, I'll be ready to go in the morning though, babe.
Ow! So what are we thinking the old first words for Chalupa are gonna be? If it's a numbers game, it's gonna be Mom, Dad or shitbag.
Or Uncle Andre.
Uncle Andre? 'Cause I'm the godfather.
Who told you that you were the godfather? Well, you didn't say it, but I feel like I've been taking that role.
Hello.
Whoa, what the hell is that? This is Elvis.
Ellie's class cockatoo.
We never discussed an Elvis.
We have a new teacher.
She wants everyone to take a turn.
Wait, I'm sorry.
The school let you take home a pet after what happened to Shakespeare the guinea pig last time? That was an accident.
Dad, you have to promise me not to kill, cook or eat this one 'cause I love Elvis.
Yeah, who doesn't love Elvis? Um the cage.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Um, is this all right? Oh, my God.
Elvis! Oh, my God! It got me, too! And none for me.
How did you not get hit? I've never been hit.
Birds just don't find me attractive.
Huh, must've been a female bird.
I'm lucky.
No, bullshit, you are due.
Yeah.
There is a grand dookie drop coming your way.
It's gonna be a juggerpoop.
I've never been hit.
I won't be hit.
Jesus, Taco.
Taco! I'm literally getting a contact high sitting right next to you.
I'm gonna start charging for that.
What is in the briefcase? Well, goddamn popo's cracking down on weed again, so I'm converting all my green assets into a safer drug currency.
It's a briefcase brownie.
Whoa! Jesus.
This is easier to store, way less suspicious and much easier to get animals high with.
Okay, great.
Now I can go to the cloud whenever I want 'cause I have the cloud with me at all times.
It's like a cloud bank.
I don't think the cloud is what you think it is.
By the way, did I miss the circle jerk? Yeah, Andre won.
Oh, good work, Andre.
I didn't even know about this.
Hey, CB.
Daddy found an amazing new stats Web site.
It's subscription-based so the other cockhonkers would never spring for it.
It analyzes play-calling tendencies, strength of schedule and it will tell me the top sleeper for the second half of the season.
So after this week's games when the waiver wire opens up, I'm gonna pick up Isaiah Pead.
Isaiah Pead, yup.
Oh, Isaiah Pead, my beautiful chocolate Jesus.
- Isaiah Pead.
- No, no Isaiah Pead.
No, no Oh, uh Isaiah Pead! Oh, stop the clock! Did he just say his first words? No, no, that was me.
That was me talking pee-pee talk to him.
Are you sure he didn't say any words? I He I heard his voice.
I heard him say words.
Does this smell like shit? Oh, God, Kevin! Does it? Oh, God, it does! Smell this.
You did that.
That's a man poop.
Does this phone smell like shit? Oh, God, that's the worst pickup line ever.
Smell like shit? Get out of my face, please.
Let me, let me smell it.
Smell like shit? Ooh, yeah.
Please, smell it again.
Smell it again.
All right, enough It smells like shit.
Is anyone gonna fix the flickering light in the men's room? It's like a goddamn Nine Inch Nails video in there.
It's gonna give me a seizure.
Relax, Taco, why don't you take another withdraw from the cloud bank? Yeah, that's a good idea.
I don't know what it is with this thing.
It's just not doing it for me.
Oh, I know why you're being a little bitch because these don't have any reefer in them.
And they skipped on the hazelnut.
Oh, God, that's why I've been feeling so weird.
I haven't felt this way since I was a little kid.
I accidently got not high.
Hey, the cloud's gone.
Congratulations.
It looks like there's gonna be some clear skies for Taco.
Oh, God, what-what do I do? Do you think everyone knows I'm not high? Everything is so clear.
I can see your pores, everything.
You guys are so ugly.
Why are we even friends? What's going on? We have nothing in common.
We're brothers.
Oh, my God! No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No one forces me to face reality without THC.
You hear me? No one! This shall not stand.
Uh, ma'am, you forgot your cookie.
Whoa! What the hell's going on in here? Hey, man, you're, uh Yeah, the guy who brought you all his weed so that you'd turn it into a brownie and give it to me.
Yes! Yeah.
We made that brownie.
And then we ate that brownie.
So you stole it from me? No, we redistributed.
Are you high? Look at that stupid grin and your laid-back demeanor.
- That's supposed to be me! - Look at nothing's getting through to him.
You ever experience anything like this? No.
No.
No.
Oh, what's happening right now? Baked in a bakery And I'm as stoned as hell Gonna go home early 'cause we ate everything we sell Okay, stop it! Stop it! No one wants to hear stupid, made-up songs.
Where the hell'd you get that guitar? I brought it with me.
You just bring a guitar to work? Doesn't everybody? This is so frustrating! It's like talking to a block of marble.
Bonjour, Kevin.
Comment ça va? When did you start speaking French? I took four years of it in school.
And all of a sudden, it's just all coming back to me.
I keep having a stream of thoughts that are all connected, instead of just random ones every now and again.
It's called thinking, Taco.
I do not like this thinking.
And remember those secret camping trips that Uncle Frank used to take us on? Shh, shh, shh.
I don't think we ever left his backyard.
Ellie, um, take your homework upstairs.
Come on.
Oh, God, I-I am not meant to be a part of this world.
Please, I need to borrow some money so I can go get some weed.
No! I'm not subsidizing your weed habit, Taco.
And besides, with the weed crackdown, the prices are through the roof.
I can't afford it.
Why is the government always cracking down on these small-time drug dealers? Because drugs ruin lives and they're illegal and that's the government's job.
Ah! Make it stop! God, has your head always been that big? Think it's still growing.
Mmm, you ready? Yes.
Hey, Jenny.
You look great.
Going out to dinner, I guess, huh? Yeah, we have to leave early enough so we can swing by Ruxin's.
I have that book for Sofia.
Okay.
Something's going on over there with that dog.
Right? I know.
It's weird.
This erectile conundrum is quite intriguing.
You see, dogs get boners-- that's what they do.
And if he's not getting boners for you, he's getting boners for someone or something else.
Now, if you'll humor me for a second, I came up with a law, conservation of boners.
Wow.
You see, there's a finite amount of boner energy, or "bonergy," in the universe.
Now, boners cannot be created or destroyed.
Oh, boners can be destroyed.
In the bedroom, yes, but not in theoretical physics.
Now, my theory is that the missing doggy boners are being transformed into other boners.
So, wait, I am turning on other animals now and they're getting boners for me? Transmigration of boners? No, no, no.
See, that was debunked a long time ago.
The science just isn't there.
Boners cannot teleport.
They can only move in one continuous flow of blood to dongers.
I mean, where would those boners be going? To Kevin? Nah, that dick's deader than disco.
Hey.
Hey.
Is he tying a stick to it yet? Hey.
Oh, look, it's the prostitute my dog ordered.
Excuse me? Oh, no, no, no.
See, Kevin and I Hey.
we were just on our way to dinner, and I thought it would be a great opportunity to return the book that I borrowed from Sofia.
Well, Sofia's not here, and she barely likes reading menus.
You know what? Just go get the goddamn dog, okay? Absolutely.
Oh, Kale, your dog streetwalker has arrived.
Come here, babe.
Well, there he is.
Handsome devil.
You come here.
Oh, does that feel good? I think he can sense that you're not wearing underwear.
Oh, do you like it when I do that? You want me to do it a little harder, a little faster? This is a low point, not only for you but I think for the dog as well.
Not that into it, huh? You know what? I don't know what you did to this poor dog.
Is he drunk? Yeah, he's into Bordeaux now.
Really? Yeah, he's a Bor-dog.
He's not so much into wine coolers.
I am not a wine cooler, okay, buddy? At the very least, I am a top-shelf boxed wine.
Hey.
We're leaving.
Grab my coat.
Okay.
Later, Franzia.
My streak was almost broken, all right? I leave my work.
I see a bird.
Boom, we lock eyes.
I start walking quick 'cause I don't want to get shit on, right? And then I get to my car, try to get the door open, get inside, slam the door and what happens? Shit right on the windshield.
It's a near-dookie experience.
It means your next time you won't be so lucky.
You're not getting in my head anymore.
You think you're so cool.
You're like a low-rent frittata Keyser Soze.
I like it.
I'll take it.
That's you.
Yeah.
Hello, gentlemen.
Oh, Pete, ah, it looks like we're matched up this week.
That's right.
This week is my Taco-bye.
I'll tell you what, I will start three kickers if you start three kickers.
Oh, that's funny.
You know what else is funny? What's that? When I stopped smoking, not only did my knowledge of the French language come back but my love of all things football as well, mm-hmm.
What? If you think I'm gonna be playing Chris Johnson at Seattle, you're sadly mistaken.
No, the Seahawks, dude, they take it to the next level with the 12th Man.
However, I will be calling up the Law Firm.
How do you know what the Law Firm BenJarvus Green-Ellis? Yeah, yeah.
I like him for at least one short TD against the Bills, maybe two.
I also have a good friend by the name of Jimmy Graham.
Yeah, the Saints in a high-scoring game against the Patriots? Sky's the limit.
As for kickers, I'm gonna play only one, thank you, and I'm thinking Matt Prater.
So that every time your Peyton Manning scores, this guy gets a point as well.
You might want to stretch your jaw, Pete, 'cause you're gonna eat a lot of shit this week.
What? No, no, no, no, no.
That is not fair.
Everybody else got their Taco-bye.
I want my win this week! Aw I was counting on this victory to get me up to 500.
You're scared.
A smart and sober Taco is a detriment to the league.
We have to get up on that wagon, and we have to knock his ass off.
We did it once before, remember? Okay, Pete, I stole the weed from my parents.
Now can I be in the group? We'll see, Andre.
Bring us a picture of your sister naked.
Then we'll talk.
Hey, Kevin, Mom's gonna get mad at you for missing piano lessons.
My brother's such a geek.
Stop it.
Let's get him high.
Yeah! No! No! No Hmm, interesting.
Dude, he's so high he doesn't even remember his own name.
Do you remember what your name is? Taco.
My name is Taco.
No way.
Taco.
On that day, Taco was born.
Now, I decree we must re-stone him.
As commissioner, I say no to re-stoning my brother.
He may actually end up being a functional member of society, perhaps even starting a family.
Look at him.
Hi there.
Hi.
You are very attractive.
Would you like to have sexual intercourse with me in the bathroom? No.
In the ladies' room? Dude, I'm sorry.
I'm just I'm not interested.
I mean, honestly, why would you be? I have no visible means of support, I wear clothes I find on buses and I comb my hair with a fork.
Ew, you're just gross.
Yeah.
Go find someone who deserves you! Maybe not the family part yet.
Guys, I just realized I am not a catch.
Taco Corp? It's a joke.
Don't forget about the pee bibs.
Pee bib? It's a goddamn napkin.
All right, CB, these are your last moments with Elvis.
He's going to bed, so that means you have to go to bed.
Isaiah Pead.
No, no, stop saying, "Isaiah Pead.
" It's important that Dada gets Isaiah Pead and not Mama.
Isaiah Pead.
Stop saying, "Isaiah Pead.
" I'm Papa.
Papa.
Good job, CB! Isaiah Pead! Ball sack! Not you! Isaiah Pead! Isaiah Pead! Stop saying Isaiah Pead.
Isaiah Pead.
Isaiah Pead.
I'm home! Oh.
Hello? Got the groceries.
Isaiah Pead.
Isaiah Pead! Isaiah Pead.
Stop saying that.
Isaiah Oh, my God! Hello? Isaiah Pead.
Isaiah Pead.
Isaiah Pead.
No, no.
No Isaiah Pead.
Jenny's home.
Okay.
I have them all myself.
Isaiah Pead.
Isaiah Pead.
Hey, stop it! Let go! Get back! Oh! Go! God.
Oh! - Isaiah Pead.
- Isaiah Pead.
Shut up, you shit sipper! Isaiah Oh, Elvis! Oh, no! Isaiah Pead.
Oh, Elvis.
Looks like the toilet bowl got you twice.
Kevin? Oh, uh Kevin? Isaiah Pead Jenny, I'm surprised you're rockin' the sweats.
You just gave up completely on getting the Kale boner? Oh, you know, what's the point? Yeah, that's the only reason to look pretty-- the dog.
Where's PBS on this thing? Whoa, that is not PBS.
That is Red Shoe something Oh! Oh, there it is.
The bone zone.
Now, that's the good good.
Oh, shut up.
Stop doing that.
There you have it-- a doggie erection.
Okay, so, Jenny no longer produces canus erectus, but scantily-clad women torturing each other does.
Fascinating.
Kale, get off the table.
It's as if he's be desensitized to normal human women and now can only be aroused by women in violent situations.
That's a stretch, Taco, all right? That's ridiculous.
It is, but not impossible.
Why do you think this is the case, Ruxin? That only young, pert she-whores now inflame your pet, when Jenny, in the rattiest of Old Navy irregular sale items, used to do it for him? Hmm? I'm not sure.
I'll think about it while I'm getting you guys some more beers, or Hmm.
Oh, they're okay.
They have plenty of beers.
Now, if we use the principals of deduction, I'm sure we can get to the bottom of this.
Okay, you guys do that while I take my dog for a walk.
See you.
A walk? Of course! I know where the boners have gone.
All right, if you're gonna drop a steamer, do it in the bushes, all right, buddy? As Ruxin was so kind to remind us, he's been taking his dog for longer walks recently.
I think the coast is clear, Kale.
And we all know Sofia's strict, no-porn policy.
Yeah, there's such a plethora of free sites now.
Look at this.
These girls are sisters.
They fight a lot, but they actually love each other.
Oh! So, I submit that Ruxin has been watching pornography on his cell phone during his dog walks.
Balderdash! Ah, ha, ha, ha! We all know Ruxin's favorite porn subgenres are girl-on-girl and bondage.
Aah! Ew.
And the little doggie started watching the pornography with his master.
I was hoping for a little more interracial stuff, but all right.
Hey, Kale, you're drilling a hole through my leg, buddy.
Come on.
And thus the case of the missing dog erections is closed.
That actually kind of holds water.
That makes sense.
You're like the Hard-on Boys.
Goddamn it, Taco, you idiot, genius, frittata, busybody! You think you're so smart.
A sneer is the weapon of the weak.
What? Huh? Huh? James Russell Lowell.
Look him up.
Ooh, there's a volume eight.
We need to re-high him.
Yeah.
Hope you have your prescription pad, Andre, 'cause we need some medical-grade shit.
Hey, I got the drugs.
- Andre, wait wait wait.
- What? Oh, yes, oh, you are gonna get it, oh your time has come.
- No, no, some more time.
- Oh, really? Andre, just throw me the bag, okay? Just go gracefully, Andre.
You've had your time.
No, no, no.
Give me your jacket.
Just throw me the drugs so we can save them.
Throw me your jacket, and I'll throw you the bag.
Hell, no! You think you're so smart.
I'm the smart one.
Watch this.
Are you going back draft? Look, look.
Nothing, not at all.
Unbelievable.
Hear that birds? Ha, ha! Oh.
Thanks, Andre.
Are you okay? Oh, Andre, judgment day.
Uh-oh! Oh, that's the juggerpoop! Help me! Help me! You are literally a shit sipper.
I'm not touching you.
I don't know much about pop culture, 'cause I don't own a television.
Oh, my God, I don't own a television.
I love talking to other people who don't own televisions about not owning a television.
I love talking to people that do have televisions about how I don't own a television.
I love talking to people who don't own televisions around people who own televisions.
Oh, hey, guys.
Oh, my God.
What's going on? Hey! Put me down, will you?! Shut your mouth! Come on! Put me down! Hit it! Go, go, go, go, go, go! You stay down! What's going on What are you guys doing? Let go of me! Okay, we're clear! What's going on? All right.
What are you guys doing? Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no, I don't want to go to dehab.
We don't want to send you, buddy, but we think it's best for everyone.
No.
Except for you.
I'm reading The Corrections.
I have to finish it! I don't know how it ends! Please! It's super depressing.
Light 'em up, boys.
No! An apple a day keeps Smart Taco away.
No! Let go of me! No! Please! Drop it in! Is he dead? Is he dumb? Oh, hey, guys.
Hey, Ruspin.
Hi, Taco.
Welcome home.
Oh, yeah! Those are really cool hats.
Waiver wire is open.
Isaiah Pead, please.
Isaiah Pead.
What's that? Isaiah Pead.
Hello? Isaiah Pead.
Hello? Hello? Oh! Isaiah Pead! Die, devil bird, die! Isaiah Pead! Pead! Pead! Isaiah Pead! - Oh.
- Isaiah Pead.
Oh.
What is going on in here? Elvis? Isaiah Pead.
Isaiah Pead.
Isaiah Pead? Isaiah Pead.
It's a really good idea, actually.
Okay, Lady MacArthur's adding Isaiah Pead.
Isaiah Pead.
Boom.
High five, dude.
Hello.
Yeah.
Oh, no, no! Elvis, why can't you stay dead, you shitbag, bird? Shitbag.
Shitbag.
Shitbag! Wow.
Great first word.
Shitbag! Shitbag.
Shitbag.
Oh, zip it.
Shitbag.