The Office (US) s05e08 Episode Script

Are you swallowing them whole? You're eating them so fast, are they even touching your tongue? Brownies, is it? Pastry cubes made of sugar and fat? No, thanks.
I'll stick with my jerky.
- Why'd you come in here? - To socialize.
And inform.
I'm taking two so I can parcel them up and eat them at my leisure later on.
Much healthier.
You taking two? Yeah, but one of them is for Toby.
Why don't you send that to him in Costa Rica? - I'm gonna hand it to him right now.
- OK, weirdo.
Why's that weird? She said she was gonna give it to him right now.
She's probably going to, cause they sit next to each other.
They used to.
Toby works here again.
Can you imagine? You don't know.
I don't know.
What? You should probably just meander back there, take a look, see if he's - see if he's back.
- Dare I? You know what? I'm going to.
For old time's sake.
Great practical joke, Jim.
Got me to go to the annex.
No! God! No, God, please no! Episode: 5x08 "Frame Toby" (1.
00) Look at him.
With his stupid face.
Stupid tan.
He looks great.
Well-rested.
He looks worse.
Michael, is everyone OK? I'm afraid not.
Toby Flenderson of H.
R.
has made a sudden reappearance.
I don't understand.
Is anyone hurt? Not on the surface.
But I can tell people are disturbed, David.
You texted me "911.
CALL ME!" All in caps.
Do you know what 911 means? I learned a while back, that if I don't text 911, people'll not return my calls.
But now people always return my calls, because they think that something horrible has happened.
What I'm curious about is how you were able to go an entire week without knowing a member of your staff was there.
I did not want to go back to the annex cause that's where Holly worked, - whom I loved.
- Also it's icky back there.
That's true.
People say it's icky.
I have to go.
David, wait.
Is there no way we can get rid of him? - Not without cause, Michael.
- I have cause.
It is because I hate him.
You have to get along with Toby.
- I don't.
- Goodbye, Michael.
Don't do that.
Come on! Do you see this? Disgusting.
So, Tunes you still gonna buy your old man's place? I am.
Wait.
How do you know? I didn't tell you.
I was walking by your desk.
I saw some emails.
I got peepers of an eagle.
- That's really not cool.
- So, Jim you're gonna live in the same house that you used to pee the bed in? I guess technically, Kev, you're right.
Today's a big day.
Today's the day that I show Pam the house that I bought for us.
Without telling her.
But it's my parents' house, the house I grew up in.
I bought it kind of impulsively.
The price was good and I was helping out my mom.
It's got shag carpets.
You can't blame my parents, it was the 70s.
And why would you wanna buy ugly wood from trees when you can have paneling and a painting of some creepy clowns that is apparently crucial to the integrity of the building? She's gonna love it.
Right? Would you guys do me a favor and not talk about this until I tell Pam? That'd be great.
You haven't told the missus about the castle? You're in for a spanking.
Myself and my lady no secrets.
Jim, don't listen to Andy.
I think it's romantic.
- Thanks, Phyllis.
- Where's your place? It's on Linden Ave.
, by the quarry.
Cool beans, man.
I live by the quarry.
We should hang out by the quarry and throw things down there.
Definitely, we should.
"To whoever made the microwave mess.
"The microwave is a shared kitchen appliance.
"By not cleaning it up, you are telling whoever follows "that their time is less valuable, as they will have to scrub out "your disgusting splatter.
"Sincerely, disappointed.
" That is just obnoxious.
No kidding.
Wait, what? The mess or the note? The note.
So holier than thou.
I liked it.
Don't you think the person who left the mess is the obnoxious one? The note is way more obnoxious than the mess.
"Sincerely, disappointed.
" Get off your high horse, Richy.
Just because someone likes things clean doesn't mean they're rich.
They're rich.
You wanna see some real high-caliber acting? Mr.
Kurt Russell, you are about to be served.
Great to have you back, man.
Seriously.
Just a real pleasure to see you again.
You're welcome.
Missed you as part of our family.
Well, that's sweet.
I missed you guys too.
So, Costa Rica that was Did you have fun? That must have been fun.
It was amazing.
Really was.
Thanks for asking.
Beaches were pristine.
Nice peaches? Pristine beaches? The whole thing was incredibly cathartic.
Why'd you come back? Why didn't you stay? It's actually kind of hard to meet people out there.
For you.
Plus, it was hot.
Why didn't you get an air conditioner? Should have gotten an air conditioner for yourself.
- Are you all right, Michael? - Yeah, I am.
I tried.
I tried to talk to Toby and be his friend, but that is like trying to be friends with an evil snail.
I feel like I'm dying inside.
I feel like Neve Campbell in Scream II.
She thinks she can go off to college and be happy, and then the murderer comes back and starts killing off all of her friends.
Learned a lot of lessons from that movie.
This is just one of them.
OK, just summarize.
Fireable offenses include workplace violence and sexual harassment.
That's it, perfect.
We'll get him to hit on somebody, and then we'll catch him in the act.
I love catching people in the act.
That's why I always whip open doors.
Me too.
Let's get this started.
- What are you doing? - I am the bait.
- For what? - Men find me desirable.
It's a good day too.
I'm wearing my mustard shirt.
The bait for Toby? For one thing, he's not gay.
And if somebody were to be bait, it would be Jim or Ryan.
Or me.
Men find me desirable.
Sure they do.
When it comes down to it, it's a health issue.
I should've written that.
Why aren't you as interested in this as me? Totally! Sorry, are we talking about the microwave still? Are you inching away from me? Reach your arms out.
I'm always this close.
Camptown lady sing this song May I have a moment with Pam, please? I just have to take this call anyway, so His mistress! I'm kidding.
Nobody'd ever cheat on you.
- You are the complete package.
- What do you need? What I would like you to do is take this folded note, and deliver it to Toby Flenderson.
I want you to just react to whatever this note elicits.
Do not read it beforehand.
Can you do that for me? - Sure.
- Good.
"Please hug and kiss me, no matter how hard I struggle.
"I'm too shy to tell you that I love you.
" Damn it, Pam.
You gave me your word.
Guys, that's really inappropriate.
What's up? I got some photos from Costa Rica if you wanna see em.
Yeah, let's see them.
Toby, can I see those? What's the matter? - You scared? - Those are fighting words.
I hope he doesn't haul off and just hit you.
Do you wanna do that? You wanna hit me? You wanna punch me? - Punch him! - I dare you to.
Come on.
- What's the matter? - Hit him, chicken.
Yeah, punch him.
Come on, Ryan.
Whose side are you on? No, do it.
I dare you.
Punch him as hard as you possibly can.
Not as hard as you can.
Just a good, solid punch.
- Come on.
- I'm not gonna punch you.
Are you really not gonna punch him? - No, why would I punch you? - Son of a bitch.
Shoulda hit him.
Guy was asking for it.
Once in a lifetime, man.
You were gonna parcel those out through the day? Would you stop it? You haven't done anything helpful all day.
There's still one thing we can do to get Toby fired.
What's that? Frame him for using drugs.
- Frame him? - It's illegal.
But everything they do on The Shield is illegal.
I've never framed a man before.
Have you? I've framed animals before.
I framed a raccoon for opening a Christmas present.
And I framed a bear for eating out of the garbage.
Just seems awfully mean.
But sometimes, the ends justify the mean.
I've seen you guys around.
I'm Michael Scott, Dunder Mifflin.
How you doing? I guess you know why I'm here.
I need to purchase something.
Like a fridge? I wanted to buy some weed from someone.
- What? - Grass, weed? What makes you think we'd have weed? I heard you were drug I heard you dealt.
Just hold on a second.
I'm not wearing a wire, so Why would you even say that? It's gonna be $500.
- How much? - $500.
It's a good price.
It's a steal.
How many pounds is that? It's 2 pounds.
I'm losing money on this, man, just give me the money.
Walk away.
I wanna let you know, I'm totally on your side with the whole microwave situation.
I was just back there to make some cup of soup, - the thing is still a huge mess.
- I know.
Can you believe it? It's crazy.
But I guess the thing is at some point, notes or no notes, someone's gonna have to just get in there and clean it up.
I guess that's why we have a temp.
No, trust me.
I would just make it worse.
How would wiping it with a paper towel make it worse? I would find a way.
You've seen things clean before though, right? Pam, I am hopeless to that stuff.
I forgot Forgot Yes, I repeat: a drug dealer is on the premises of Dunder Mifflin.
His name is Toby Flenderson, and he recently returned from a mysterious vacation in Central America.
I have risked a great deal to tell you this information.
My name is Andy Bernard.
Andrew Bernard, that's my name.
See you soon.
We received a call.
I don't know anything.
We were tipped off about a possible narcotic situation.
Here? I got this, OK? Hello, officers.
Former volunteer sheriff's deputy.
I may have inside information that someone is hiding drugs in this very office.
Just pretend like we're talking until the cops leave.
Those are real cops.
Real guns.
Wonder what's going on.
Officers, I reveal to you the perpetrator.
- What's this? - Search his things.
Could you step away from your desk? - Please step away from your desk.
- What's going on? You don't have my permission.
They don't need your permission.
They've got the company's permission.
What are you Why are you doing this? You know what? This is probably a misunderstanding.
Don't search my stuff.
I have a reasonable right to privacy.
Save your whining for the jury there.
Let's just cancel this, OK? Did you recently return from a trip to Central America? My God.
There was I went to Costa Rica for a few months.
That was totally legitimate.
- God! - That is not mine.
- Turn around please, would you? - What is going on here? I don't know what that is I bet he has nothing to do with that.
- That's mine.
- No, Michael! It's mine.
Some basil.
- And salad dressing, I think.
- Salad dressing? Yeah, it's Caprese Salad.
There's a little bit of mozzarella right there.
Are you kidding me? That's my salad.
Wait a minute.
There's no drugs? Damn it.
Come on! I think we got a fake tip.
Officers, are you sure you don't want to interrogate him? You have laws that protect you in any kind of interrogation.
Why don't you use them? You must feel pretty good about yourself right now.
I didn't put Caprese Salad in my drawer.
Did you? Since when is it illegal to put Caprese Salad anywhere? The police could have been out there, catching real criminals, instead of here, searching my stuff.
Are you kidding me? That's what you're worried about? You're worried about the cop's time.
You think I framed you, and you're worried about the taxpayer? God! Welcome back, jerky jerk-face.
You said you were leaving, and you made liars out of all of us.
- I did leave.
- Yes, you did.
And then you came back.
Which makes you the biggest liar - of the history.
- I don't see it that way.
You wanna hear a lie? I think you're great.
You're my best friend.
- I can't do this.
- Can't do what? It's not fair to you.
And it's really not fair to me.
What are you saying? I broke up with Darryl.
That was your choice.
Don't put that on me.
I'm just going on a little trip.
- Can I come? - Not that kind of trip.
Going to Thailand with friends from high school.
Well, a high school.
If I don't do it now, I'll never go.
And I'll always resent you for it.
You don't want me to resent you? - So you're dumping me? - Let's be adults about this.
Let's have sex one more time, and if you have any extra cash, that would be amazing.
Do you mind if we make a stop on the way home? - Sure.
- Cool.
- Your parents' house? - I have a surprise for you.
Ready? Close your eyes.
And now Open your eyes.
I don't get it.
I bought it.
It's ours.
Let's go inside.
I'll show you inside.
So, if you can believe it, I did it without a realtor.
Saving on closing costs is good.
We can put all of the money to de-shag the carpet.
Which I think will help the color situation.
I'm really sorry about this.
I tried to move it, but he is really nailed in there.
Worried about art theft, I guess.
A lot of art thieves in this neighborhood.
This is the master bedroom.
But I'm actually not allowed in here, so.
I'm still in the process of converting the garage.
It's got great light in here.
And I was thinking it could be perfect for an art studio.
Look I know, I bought this without asking you.
It doesn't look great.
I know that.
And if you really hate it, I totally understand.
It's just I love it.
You do? I love it.
- Really? - You bought me a house.
Oh, my God.
You bought me a house! Yeah, I did.
Do we have to sleep in your parents' bedroom? No, we'll just board that up.
It'll be that weird spare room that people ask us about.
And the clown? I really can't move him.
What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany's at midnight.
Do I go for the vault? No.
I go for the chandelier.
It's priceless.
As I'm taking it down, a woman catches me.
She tells me to stop.
It's her father's business.
She's Tiffany.
I say no.
We make love all night.
In the morning, the cops come, and I escape in one of their uniforms.
I tell her to meet me in Mexico, but I go to Canada.
I don't trust her.
Besides, I like the cold.
I have a son, he's the chief of police.
This is where the story gets interesting.
I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris by the Trocadero.
She's been waiting all these years.
She's never taken another lover.
I don't care.
I don't show up.
I go to Berlin.
That's where I stashed the chandelier.