The Simple Life (2003) s05e08 Episode Script

NARRA TOR: Previously on The Simple Life.
This week, the name of the game is survival.
NARRA TOR: Paris and Nicole meet their wildest camp specialist yet.
Have you ever eaten, like, a dog or a cat? Nobody owned them.
NARRA TOR: And after a summer-long flirtation with Paris, Hunter almost gets a kiss.
(KNOCKlNG ON DOOR) Hey, Paris.
NARRA TOR: Hawke's teaching methods are extreme.
Come on over and get your grub.
NARRA TOR: And for the first time, a camper goes home early.
You're lazy, you're spoiled, and you're quitting.
-I am.
-So thanks for coming.
Have a nice life.
NARRA TOR: So it's up to Paris and Nicole to keep the campers motivated.
PARlS: If everyone does it first, Nicole will do a worm, I'll do a cricket.
(EXCLAlMlNG lN DlSGUST) Let's take two girls, both filthy rich From the bright lights to the wilderness From way uptown to an old campground Will they survive the simple life? Let's take away their limousines Their credit cards and shopping sprees Well, they're both spoilt rotten Will they cry when they hit bottom? Hea ven knows if they'll survive This simple campers kind of life PARlS: Where the hell are we? (ALL SNORlNG) MYKE ON PA: Rise and shine, survivors.
You've got five minutes to (BLEEP) shower and sha ve and report for duty.
And remember, every day above ground is a good day.
Mmm-hmm.
-Good morning, boys.
-Good morning, everyone.
-MAN: Good morning.
-Good morning, ladies.
PARlS: You guys were so loud last night.
-Someone was snoring.
-NlCOLE: Farting.
(CHARLlE LAUGHlNG) JULlE: That was Charlie.
(CHATTERlNG) Yeah, what's with the tattoo on the arm? -What's with the tattoo? -Yeah.
Is that a leaf? It's a feather.
This is for when I earned my Green Beret.
-I got a tattoo on every body part.
-HANK: Wow.
So that way, whatever's left, they can still identify me.
NARRA TOR: After three days of hardcore training, survival specialist Hawke has decided it's time to put Paris and Nicole's campers to the test.
MYKE: We're going to go on a hike.
It's going to be a long one, it's going to be a serious one NARRA TOR: Considering the dangers of an overnight adventure in the wild, Hawke wants the girls to help the campers prepare for the worst.
In case something should happen to y'all, or one of you, I'd like you guys to think about what you'd like to say as your last words.
We're going to have Hilton and Richie take y'all and do a little video diary and save your last words.
And y'all start getting packed because we're getting ready to go to the bush.
-What's the bush? -I don't know.
Richie, on deck.
Here's their kit.
I want you to issue them their backpacks and I'm holding you fully responsible for making sure that your troopies pack everything they need to go to the bush.
-My troopies? -Your troopies.
-All right.
Yeah.
-Okay? Take charge.
All right, so do you know what you guys need? -All right.
This -MAN: It's a man-bra.
You need.
-You need this.
-HANK: I need that? I moved to the area recently after my divorce.
You know, it can get kind oflonely.
I don't know if this is my size.
So after 25 years of marriage, I came out here to find new friends, new adventures, and see what the rest of my life is going to hold for me.
Whoa.
Can you help us carry our stuff to the bridge? -Are these mirrors? -NlCOLE: Yes.
Of course they are, how silly of me.
NARRA TOR: While Nicole gives the campers marching orders, Paris sets up the camera so everyone can record their last will and testaments.
I want to do ours close.
Well, I don't want to do it super close.
-I want my outfit to show.
-Okay.
My head's cut out.
Scoot way (GASPS) It's stuck.
NARRA TOR: Focused on their final words, Paris and Nicole forget to focus the camera.
-Are you ready? -Yeah.
I, Paris Hilton, being of sound I, Charlie, assign being of sound, mind and body.
declare this to be my last will and testament.
Well, so I kicked the bucket.
See you later, Barbara, Nancy Feel free to have me cremated.
Just put me in a jar somewhere.
Monique, Sue I didn't get to live out my dream of seeing Streisand, but I'll wait to do that in heaven.
Barbara Tinkerbell, I'll give you to my mom because my mom is obsessed with Tinkerbell.
I'd like to say to my ex-wife, it was quite a ride.
Sorry it ended, but, you know, that's life.
I leave all of my vintage Chanel bags to my cat, Gypsy, because she loves them.
I just want to say that I love you, Bill.
You're my best friend.
And I know we'll make it through this.
NlCOLE: With pride.
PARlS: Yes.
And I think that's it.
-All right.
Peace out.
-Peace out.
All right, people.
Grab your stuff and let's go.
We're losing daylight.
Keep it up.
Catch up, catch up! We got a long way to go.
Oh, my God.
Women, we're going walking through the woods.
You don't need this stuff.
Have you guys lost your frigging minds? -What? -No, but our lip gloss was wearing off.
(GROWLlNG) I am already over this hike.
How much farther? Only about eight miles.
-Eight miles? -Yes.
It's uphill? We've been walking for, like, four hours.
This sucks.
(GROANS) MYKE: I cannot believe you are still carrying those mirrors.
How much farther? PARlS: Whoa.
Welcome to Hawke Hotel.
(GROANS) MYKE: Okay, folks, y'all got about five minutes to get settled in, pick who you're hooching buddy is and make sure you like how they smell because you're going to be real close and intimate.
-NlCOLE: Hank, you come with us.
-Okay.
This is beautiful.
Hurry up because we've got to designate a toilet as well.
(GROANS) It's getting dark.
We should start a fire.
MYKE: That's a great idea.
Hilton, come on over here.
You're going to be in charge of the fire starting.
NARRA TOR: Paris planned ahead and snuck along lighter fluid for just this kind of challenge.
So, while Nicole distracts Hawke -Um, I just have some woods questions.
-Okay.
NARRA TOR:Paris pours it on.
Your vest is really cute.
I wouldn't mind borrowing it.
If Hawke asks how we put this fire together, just pretend that you learned it in Boy Scouts or something.
NlCOLE: Do you have any children? MYKE: Yes, I do.
-Girls, boys? -I only make boys.
Whoa.
Mr.
Hawke, I made a fire.
And nobody's dead or burnt up.
Next step, y'all start getting the fish ready.
(WlND HOWLlNG) (ALL SCREAMlNG) MYKE: Where are your stakes? We haven't gotten that far yet.
I was trying to learn how to do it.
You don't need to learn how to do it.
You stick them in the ground, woman.
(WOLF HOWLlNG) All right, well, you guys get ready for bed.
Paris and I will be right back.
All right.
-What is that? -It's a werewolf mask.
(GlGGLES) NlCOLE: All right, go.
Go get them.
PARlS: Oh, my God.
Nicole! Something got Nicole.
(SCREAMlNG) (ALL LAUGHlNG) (GROWLlNG) All right, good night, everyone! -Good night.
-Good night.
-Good night, Hunty.
-Good night.
Hunter, you are the most (BLEEP) whipped man.
What's the problem with being (BLEEP) whipped? JULlE: Oh, my God! Hey, being (BLEEP) whipped isn't bad if you're getting something in return.
-NlCOLE: Good night, Silly.
-Good night, Billy.
-I love you.
-Love you.
Rise and shine, campers.
We've got daily activities.
Hilton, Richie! Y'all wake up now.
Hello? Good morning.
Hey! If y'all aren't going to get up and make breakfast, I need y'all to at least to go out and get some firewood, you hear? Yeah.
Man, what in the heck is going on right now? -Okay, let's go.
-How do we go and get wood? I want y'all back in 15 minutes with that firewood! (DlGGlNG) (SlGHS) So beautiful today.
-Yeah.
-Gorgeous out.
It's gorgeous out.
(CHUCKLES) This is my kind of survival camp.
Richie! I really don't think that, like, we were here.
Hilton! (GROWLlNG) NlCOLE: We're totally lost.
PARlS: Totally.
NlCOLE: This is so scary.
I'm getting worried.
Gals've been gone way too long.
I want to do a search and I'm gonna break y'all up in a team.
Nurse Jamie, Goebbels, stay put.
Guard the base in case they come back.
Hunter, Vogel, Louise, y'all come with me.
The rest of you go with Matt.
I want you to be back here, no more than an hour, okay? You got it.
PARlS: This sucks.
Well, at least if I got lost out in the woods, I couldn't have gotten lost with two finer people.
-Thanks.
-Thanks.
Us, too.
-All right.
Matt? -Yo.
I want you to go down this way, search that sector.
-We're going to search this sector.
-You got it.
NARRA TOR: As the survival campers search, several miles away, Paris takes matters into her own hands.
WOMAN ON PHONE: Hi, um, we're up in the mountains and we need to be rescued.
We're in between, like, five mountains with trees everywhere.
-Paris! -Paris! Nicole! MYKE: Goleck! Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie and Hank What's your last name? Hank Goleck.
-Nicole! -Paris! Nicole's wearing, like, this bright yellow Free City sweatshirt and I'm wearing a leopard Gwen Stefani top with camouflage shoes and brown corduroys and a cute little vest.
And what are you wearing? What designer? Uh, Route 66 blue jeans.
Route 66 blue jeans, and Nicole and I both have blond extensions.
Can they bring some food, please? Like McDonald's? Thank you.
What did they say? They said they're sending a search-and-rescue crew.
Oh, good.
MYKE: We just about used up our whole hour, folks.
I'll be honest, I'm worried about them.
-Okay? -Okay.
-Let's head back.
-All right.
-PARlS: Are you married? -No, no.
I'm no longer married.
-Why? -Why? Well, it just didn't work out, you know? After 25 years, she decided to go her own way and I went my way, but I have two lovely daughters.
They remind me of you ladies.
They're my gems, you know? Just like your fathers think of you as their gems, you know? Yeah.
See it? -There it is! -Yay! There it is.
(CHEERlNG) MAN 1: Okay, I got a visual.
NlCOLE: Help! MAN 1: There they are, guys.
MAN 2: We've got a visual on Okay, it looks like Hilton Yeah, Hilton and Richie.
Take cover! (SHOUTlNG) -I'm getting splinters in my ass! -No.
-Thank you, guys, so much.
-Thank you.
We can only take two of you at a time, so we're going to take Paris and Nicole first.
-We'll come back for you, Hank.
-Oh, okay.
Did you bring our food order? I don't think we got that call.
Do you guys have bobby pins? I don't.
Hair spray? Hmm.
So is it just going to come and pick us up and we're going to get in? Unfortunately, they can't land, so we're going to be on lines.
-Outside the helicopter? -Yeah.
PARlS: Ew.
-My lip gloss has dirt all over it! -Mine, too! NlCOLE: I love you, Sill.
PARlS: I love you, Bill.
(SCREAMlNG) (BOTH SCREAMlNG) NARRATOR: Lost in the woods with Hank all day, Paris and Nicole are thrilled to be rescued.
(SCREAMlNG) -You guys didn't find anybody? -We didn't find anything.
We found a couple of things and stuff of their's, but nothing.
-That's all we found.
-Well, that's scary.
Something's wrong, yeah.
NARRA TOR: Now hoisted securely inside the helicopter, Paris and Nicole enjoy a scenic view.
NARRA TOR: After the rescue crew gets Hank, he reunites with Paris and Nicole just in time for a happy meal.
I feel so bad.
All the campers are, like, sitting there, eating crickets and worms.
HANK: I know, I know.
-(LAUGHlNG) I'm kind of glad I got lost.
-Me, too.
MYKE: We can't do anything now that it's dark.
Listen, the best thing we can do is keep this fire going in hopes that they see it and come in.
First light, you know, we get up and we start searching again.
It's all we can do.
After, like, the sun went down, do you think they even stopped and, like, rebuilt shelter? Do you think that you taught them well enough to build a shelter? There ain't no doubt in my military mind I taught them well enough.
The question is, did they learn well enough? (SlNGlNG lN FORElGN LANGUAGE) But this evening's going to be tough.
-They're fine.
-They might have gotten lucky.
They might have found some kind of shelter or something like that.
And, quite frankly, I am somewhat relieved that Hank is with them because, you know, he demonstrated a lot of ability.
(SlNGlNG ROW, ROW, ROW YOUR BOA T) (BOTH CHEERlNG) -Yeah? -HANK: We should get going.
We don't want to get into too much trouble, you know.
Let's blow this Popsicle stand.
NARRA TOR: Paris, Nicole and Hank head back to the woods, refreshed, while, fearing the worst, Hawke and the campers prepare to head home and break the bad news about their famous counselors.
MYKE: All I can hope is that they made it back and I can only hope to hell they didn't freeze to death or get eaten or bitten or some damn thing.
Yeah We're really going to need to come up with a story.
-There we go.
-Because Hawke is going to corner us.
We can say that Hank got, like, attacked, you know? Yeah.
Hmm.
-What was I attacked by, now? A bear or -A 10-foot bear.
-A 10-foot bear? -Yeah.
And Nicole and I rescued you.
Oh, my God! -You made it! -Hey, hey.
Are you okay? What happened? Hank got attacked by a bear.
We did not eat.
Oh, my God, it was horrible! -A 10-foot bear attacked you? -HANK: Yeah! -What color was it? -lt was brown and it was big -and it was mean and -Well, then, what happened to y'all? -I saved them.
I saved them.
-We saved him.
-We saved you.
-I got in the way.
The bear came, so l MYKE: Wait a minute! You saved them, you saved him? We saved you.
Well, I don't know what y'all did, but you must have done something right because you made it back all in one piece.
-NlCOLE: Yeah.
-So, what I'm going to do is put y'all in charge and I want you to bring us back to the camp.
I know these woods like the back of my hand.
(GROWLlNG) Were you guys going to eat Hank if you guys got hungry? -No.
-Only his wiener.
NARRA TOR: The campers have proved they're all survivors, so it's time to graduate.
But first, Paris and Nicole have a special presentation for their new best friend, Hank.
This is for you.
It's because you were our partner in crime and we have matching ones.
We want you to be a part of our crew.
Thank you very much.
Thank you, ladies.
When I came to survival camp, I was a little bit depressed because of my divorce and all.
But Paris and Nicole showed me that it's not as bad as it seems to be.
We all have to live until we die, so you might as well make the best ofit.
They did cheer me up, they made my laugh.
Hopefully, I made them laugh a little bit.
And it's the best experience I've had in a long, long time.
-We had fun getting lost with you.
-Thank you.
(ALL APPLAUDlNG) All right, campers.
Y'all have all survived a week of Hawke hell and you are now going to graduate.
Before we get out of the bush, we have a little tradition.
We always leave a little something behind.
In this case, y'all are going to contribute something personal, near and dear: a piece of your body.
NARRA TOR: After a challenging week of survival training, the campers are ready to graduate and specialist Hawke has a unique ceremony planned.
You're going to come up here, we're going to chop off a chunk of your hair, we're going to chuck it in the fire, and then you can get out of my camp.
NlCOLE: We actually have a tradition that we thought that we would do instead of yours, if that's okay.
All right, go ahead.
So, everybody, I want you to come up and tell why you love Myke Hawke.
Say your favorite thing about Myke Hawke.
Hmm.
What I love about Myke Hawke are his muscles.
-NlCOLE: Jeez.
-Jeez! Sexy.
What I love about Myke Hawke is he's gentle but ferocious also, and snuggly.
NlCOLE: Ew! -I love him.
-HANK: What I love about Myke Hawke is he is a man of conviction.
He's a real man's man, and I like that.
Cool.
Right on.
Well, I'd like to say that Myke Hawke is very strong, Myke Hawke is a very large man and tanned, which you never see.
So I have to say, I really, really love Myke Hawke.
All right.
Well, all I've got to say is all y'all can suck my (BLEEP).
(ALL LAUGHlNG) ALL: High five! Y'all have been the biggest leadership challenge I have ever had, I've got to say.
But also the most fun and y'all did a damn good job at survivaling.
So, take good care.
Bye.
-Bye! -Bye! -Hi, guys.
-Hey, how are you, Paris? Good.
I just wanted to say what a good time I've had at survivalist camp.
So Nicole and I made you a little special treat.
Oh, my God.
Oh! It's a cricket and worm dip! Get it out, get it out! -Good night.
-ED: Good night! (LAUGHlNG) NARRA TOR: Next on The Simple Life.
For the week, what we are going to do is we are going to work on method acting.
I hate starving myself.
I like to drink my coffee and smoke my cigs.
In movies, we all have love scenes.
-Good night.
-Good night.
(LAUGHlNG) I love my dog.
Oh, it's going to be a long week.