The Simpsons s05e08 Episode Script

[ Chorus .]
" The Simpsons " [ Tires Screeching .]
D'oh! [ Screams .]
[ Video Games Beeping .]
Thirsting for a way to name the unnameable, to express the inexpressible.
Tell me more.
Keep cool, Simpson.
Be in the game but not of the game.
[ Growling .]
No es bueno.
- [ Machine Gun Fire .]
- [ Screaming .]
- [ Grunts .]
- Winners don't use drugs.
Ehh! Ehh! Ehh! Ehh! Ehh! Ehh! Ehh! Ehh! - Aw! I'm outta money.
- Don't say that out loud.
Two Caucasian males out of money in Sector 4.
Go to code red.
- [ Alarms Blaring .]
- [ Everyone Gasps .]
[ Pounding Footsteps .]
[ High-pitched, Breaking Voice .]
I'm sorry.
You'll have to leave.
Oh, man.
How are we supposed to kill the rest of the afternoon? You mustn't kill time, boys.
You must cherish it.
Seize the day! Can I have some change to go get loaded? Ah.
Finally, a little quiet time to read some of my old favorites.
''Honey Roasted Peanuts.
''Ingredients: Salt ''artificial honey-roasting agents pressed peanut sweepings.
'' - Mmm! - Homer, I have to go out to pick up something for dinner.
- Steak? - Money's too tight for steak.
- Steak? - Mm, sure.
Steak.
Ah.
The last peanut-- overflowing with the oil and salt of its departed brothers.
Uh-oh.
Something's wrong.
Hmm.
Ow! Pointy.
Eww! Slimy.
Uh-oh! Moving.
Aha! Aw.
Twenty dollars.
I wanted a peanut.
- [ Thinking .]
Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts.
- Explain how.
Money can be exchanged for goods and services.
Whoo-hoo! Whoa! [ Grunts .]
[ Whimpers, Shrieks .]
"[''The Flight of the Bumblebee''.]
- Ow! - Ow! - Ow! Ow! - Ow! - This is wearin' a bit thin.
- You think so? - Bart! Look! - Maybe a plane exploded.
Our prayers have been answered.
Hello, gents.
What will it be? Apu, give us a Super-Squishy.
One that's made entirely out of syrup.
- Entirely ou-- [ Gasps .]
- [ All Gasping .]
An all-syrup Super-Squishy? Oh, sir, such a thing has never been done.
-Just make it happen.
- Oh.
Oh, dear.
[ Clanking, Rumbling .]
- [ Syrup Glugging .]
- [ Yelps .]
Oh! She won't hold! She's breaking up! - [ Bell Dings .]
- All done.
If you survive, please come again.
[ Both Yelling, Whooping .]
- [ Squeaking .]
- [ Gasps .]
It's so thick! [ Sucking .]
[ Coughing .]
[ Gasping .]
Your turn, Bart.
[ Sucking .]
[ Coughs .]
Whoa! That's good Squishy.
[ Groaning .]
What's it like, Bart? Bart? Bart? - [ Babbling Gibberish .]
- Give me that! [ Slurps, Moans, Yelps .]
Okay.
We're young, rich and full of sugar.
What'll we do? Let's go crazy Broadway-style! - [ Hands Slap .]
- [ Both .]
Yeah.
! " Springfield, Springfield It's a helluva town " "The school yard's up and the shopping mall's down " "The stray dogs go to the animal pound " - " Springfield, Springfield " - " Springfield, Springfield " " New York, New York " - New York is thataway, man.
- Thanks, kid.
" It's a helluva town " - "[ Show Music Continues .]
- Whoa.
Wow.
- [ Blows .]
- [ Caterwauling .]
Huh? Huh? [ Both Blowing Air.]
Mmm! Free goo.
[ Milhouse .]
Hey.
! Don't bogart that Squishy.
! [ Gulping .]
I don't know where you magic pixies came from but I like your pixie drink.
- "[ Continues .]
- [ Laughing .]
[ Groaning .]
- My head.
- [ Tsking .]
The remorse of the sugar junkie.
[ Groans .]
I don't remember anything.
Really? Not even this? [ Screams .]
Oh, no! I must have joined theJunior Campers.
- [ Whimpers .]
- The few, the proud, the geeky.
[ Chortles .]
Boy! A man on a Squishy bender can sure do some crazy things.
[ Horn Blows .]
[ Groaning .]
Uh-oh.
Not again? [ Belches .]
Okay, look.
I made a terrible mistake.
I wandered into a Junior Camper recruitment center, but what's done is done.
I've made my bed, and now I've gotta weasel out of it.
I know you think theJunior Campers are square and ''uncool'' but they also do a lot of neat things-- like sing-alongs and flag ceremonies.
Marge, don't discourage the boy.
Weaseling out of things is important to learn.
It's what separates us from the animals-- except the weasel.
All I've gotta do is take this uniform back after school.
You're lucky.
You only joined theJunior Campers.
I got a dirty word shaved into the back of my head.
[ Gasps .]
What is it with you kids and that word? I'm going to shave you bald, young man until you learn that hair is not a right-- it's a privilege.
What's in the bag, wuss? Huh? Oh, look.
Camper's Pampers.
Ha-ha! - Keep away! - Keep away! - Keep away! Nyah-nyah-nya-nya-nyah! - Keep away! Yeah, whatever.
- You better pretend you want your uniform back, twerp.
- [ Gulp .]
- Keep away! - Keep away! [ Spiritless .]
Oh, no.
Woe is me.
My precious uniform.
Oh.
- Guess what, class? - Time for a surprise quiz? - [ All Gasp .]
That's not what I was gonna say, but it's a good idea.
Ha! Take out a sheet of paper.
Books under your desks.
- [ Groans .]
- But I'm supposed to-- I've got-- I'm supposed to-- Oh, Warren, I nearly forgot.
AllJunior Campers are excused to attend their patrol meeting.
Um, Mrs.
Krabappel, I'd like to stay but this uniform carries certain responsibilities.
Hey, look.
Sergeant Dork! - Ha-ha! - Enjoy your test.
Ha-ha-- Aw.
Hello, alternative to testing.
- [ Moans .]
- Well, it's Bart Simpson.
Come on in.
You're just in time for Sponge-bath the Old Folks Day.
Help yourself, but stay above the equator.
- [ Shrieks, Yelps .]
- [ Thuds On Floor.]
Now,just breathe into him every three seconds.
Make sure you form a tight seal around his mouth.
No.
! [ Gasps .]
[ Coughing, Gagging .]
Should I keep doing it? Well, sir,just apply a smidgen of peanut butter to an ordinary pine cone and you've got yourself a makeshift bird feeder, sir.
I'm outta here, man.
- Okay.
Everybody take out your Junior Campers pocketknives.
- Hmm? You guys get to play with knives? - Oh, cool.
A ''spork.
'' - Don't hurt me! Ooh.
Sorry, Bart.
That's a Neddy no-no.
You're not allowed to handle a pocketknife till you read this booklet on knife safety and pass a test.
Aw, who needs a cruddy knife anyway? - Knives are boring.
- Whoa! When I say put your beer on a coaster, I mean it! You call that a knife? This is a knife.
[ Whimpering .]
Down I go.
- [ Grunts .]
- [ Sighing .]
Oh.
[ Exhales .]
Oh, hi, Bart.
I'd gladly share these sweet cookies with you if only you would help me remove this ribbon.
- Here's a knife.
- Oh, thank you.
Now let's all share the goodness.
- Share this.
- [ Groans .]
[ Bullies Laughing .]
[ Groaning .]
This man's appendix is about to burst.
Luckily, I have my trusty pocketknife.
- [ Whimpers .]
- [ Flesh Slicing Open .]
- [ Crowd Gasps .]
- Stand back! [ Grunts .]
- [ Explosion .]
- [ Cheering .]
- Thank you, Dr.
Hibbert.
- Don't thank me.
- Thank the knife.
- [ Crowd Cheering .]
Oh.
Seems like everywhere I look people are enjoying knives.
''Don't do what Donny Don't does.
'' [ Sighs .]
They could've made this clearer.
Oh! They won't let you have any fun.
Well! If it isn't the leader of the wiener patrol boning up on his nerd lessons.
Homer, you should be more supportive.
- You're right, Marge.
Good work, boy.
- Hmm.
" Egghead likes his booky-wook " - Homer.
! -Just tucking him in.
Here you go-- your rubber training knife.
You've attained the rank of Pussy Willow.
Rubber knife? This place is for wimps.
Okay, kids.
Now I'm gonna teach ya how to trap wild animals.
- But this should only be used in a life-or-death situation.
- Hmm.
Ooh! Floor pie.
I-- Whoa! [ Murmuring .]
[ Whimpering .]
Aw.
Oh.
- [ Yelps .]
- [ Thuds .]
Bart.
! Mmm.
! Apple.
" The Itchy and Scratchy Show " " [ Strumming .]
[ Yowling .]
- [ Thunder .]
- [ Snoring .]
- [ Thundering .]
- [ Laughing .]
The guys who wrote this show don't know squat.
Itchy should've tied Scratchy's tongue with a taut-line hitch, not a sheet bend.
- Oh, Bart.
Cartoons don't have to be 1 00% realistic.
- " [ Homer Humming .]
Howdilly-hey, Camper Bart! Ready for today's meeting? - You know-dilly know it, Neddy.
- Okilly-dokilly.
Our annual father-son rafting trip is next weekend.
[ Thinking .]
Oh, no.
Me bring Homer on a rafting trip? Duh, I'm the captain.
My son is Bart.
- What an oaf.
- How embarrassing.
I'm glad he's not my father.
[ Shudders .]
[ Sniffling .]
Oh, Warren, I know your dad is in prison, but don't you fret.
A special celebrity dad has been arranged for ya.
But my older brother would like-- Sorry, but I'm afraid Ernest Borgnine has already been confirmed.
[ Laughing .]
Hiya! I'm sure you kids know me best as Sergeant FatsoJudson in From Here to Eternity.
[ Cheering .]
How was jerk practice, boy? Did they teach you how to sing to trees and build crappy furniture out of useless wooden logs? Huh? D'oh! [ Growls .]
Stupid poetic justice! Actually, we were just planning the father-son river-rafting trip.
Heh-heh! You don't have a son.
Look.
Homer won't wanna go.
So just ask him, and he'll say no.
Then it'll be his fault.
I don't wanna go.
So if he asks me to go, I'll just say yes.
[ Thinking .]
Wait! Are you sure that's how this sort of thing works? Shut up, brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-tip.
Dad, I really want you to come on this trip with me.
Bart, I'd be delighted to go on your trip with you.
[ Both .]
D'oh! - [ Crying .]
- Aw, come on, kid.
Quit cryin'.
It'll be fun.
I promise.
[ Laughing .]
Arr! Here be a fine vessel the yarest river-goin' boat there be.
I'll take it.
Arr.
I don't know what I'm doin'.
Okeydokey.
Everybody find a partner.
Two dads to a raft.
[ All Chattering .]
Please not Flanders.
Please not Flanders.
Please not Flanders.
Well, Homer, looks like we're boat buddies, huh? Want me to zinc your sniffer? [ Campers Chattering, Yelling .]
[ Gasps .]
I guess now we know why they call 'em rapids and not ''slowpids,'' huh? - [ Laughing .]
- You are not my son.
Eh.
Now, what happened to that gosh-darn map I brought? - [ Wind Gusts .]
- [ Yelps .]
Um, I don't know.
But lucky for you, somebody here is responsible.
Hey! There's a New Mexico.
Whoa, Nelly! Oh! Quick, Homer! Which way do we turn? So many Krusty Burger locations.
[ Drooling .]
Uh-oh! No time.
Matthew, Mark, Luke and John! - [ Grunting .]
- [ All Screaming .]
Hey, where are the sissy and the bald guy goin', huh? [ All Yelling .]
- [ Horn Blows .]
- Paddle harder, Homer.
- We gotta fight the current.
- Wrong again, Flanders.
In a situation like this, you just relax and let the current take you back to land.
[ Whimpering .]
D'oh.
[ Whimpering .]
D'oh.
- "[ Bubblegum .]
- " [ Singing To Bubblegum .]
"[ Runs Down .]
- " [ Stops .]
- " [ Slurring, Stops .]
[ Yells .]
Lousy piece of junk! Hey! I got that for my birthday.
Now I have to face stupid reality again.
Flanders! My socks feel dirty.
- Give me some water to wash 'em.
- Again? Homer, we have to ration the water carefully.
It's our only hope.
Oh, pardon me, Mr.
Let's Ration Everything.
What do you think we're floatin' on? Don't you know the poem? Water, water everywhere, so let's all have a drink.
- [ All .]
Homer! No! - What does it matter? We're doomed.
- [ Calling .]
- [ Ned .]
Wrong.
We're saved! Seagulls always stay near land.
They only go out to sea to die.
[ Squawks .]
Whoo-hoo! See that, boy? Your old man was right, not Flanders.
We are doomed.
In your face, Flanders! Well, at least Ned is trying.
What are you doing to help? Well, since you're all such a big bunch of big ration babies I'll just be in charge of the rationing.
Look here, boy.
The secret is to take tiny bites, like so.
Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! - Stop it! - Stop it! - [ All Shouting, Indistinct .]
- [ Homer.]
Let go of my hand! D'oh! [ Grunts .]
[ Bawling .]
Why couldn't I be on one of the smart rafts? I bet they're having the time of their life.
"[ Theme From Deliverance .]
[ Chortling .]
Shh.
! Shh, shh.
! Shh.
! I keep telling you, lady.
Your husband and son have to be missing for a week before we can start searching.
I'd like to help sooner.
I would, but we're very, very busy down here.
Heesh! King me.
[ Growls .]
Still no help.
You know, it is cougar season, and those things don't mess around.
[ Worried Murmur.]
A rescue plane! Get the flare gun! [ Grunts .]
This ain't one of your church picnic flare gun firings, Flanders.
This is the real thing.
D'oh! All right.
Well, that's okay.
When they come to rescue him, they'll rescue us.
D'oh! Here's our chance.
Dolphins always help humans lost at sea.
[ Dolphins Vocalizing .]
Come back! Come back! [ Gasps .]
Oh, we're done for.
We're done for.
We're done-didilly done for! We're done-didilly-dodilly done-didilly-dodilly done-didilly-dodilly done-- Flanders! Snap out of it! Thank you, Homer.
I don't know what got-- - [ Ned Grunting .]
- Dad! I think he's oka-- - [ Grunting .]
- It's better - to be safe than sorry.
- Dodilly-- - Sorry.
- Didilly-- You see anything yet? Nothin', Captain.
Somebody took all the beer and cold cuts.
That's it.
I'm not even castin' off until we go to the store.
Homer, this cheese doodle is our last morsel of food.
You'll thank me when we're fryin' up a big,juicy fish.
- [ Strained Grunt .]
- Godspeed, little doodle.
He'll be back.
Here, fishy, fishy, fishy.
We're waiting.
Son, there's something I was gonna give you at the end of this trip but, since we may not survive I want you to have it now.
[ Gasps .]
A real Swiss Army knife.
Cool! I stole it from that Borgnine guy.
[ Roaring .]
Don't worry, kids.
I'll take care of him with my trusty-- Uh, uh-- Um, uh-- Hmm.
Dad, I know I've been a little hard on you the last couple of days.
If I had the strength to lift my arms, I'd give you a hug.
Thanks, boy.
Now, be careful when you-- Oops.
[ All Gasping .]
[ Relieved Sighs .]
[ Sizzling .]
Dad, don't take this wrong but your expression doesn't fill me with confidence.
The foul stench of death is upon us! [ Sniffing .]
Mmm! Hamburger.
[ Sniffs .]
Hey, wait! I smell hamburgers too.
[ Sniffing .]
According to this map there's a Krusty Burger on an off-shore oil rig.
That's what you're smelling.
If it weren't for this blasted fog, we'd be saved.
Never mind the fog! [ Sniffing .]
That way! Steer.
There isn't much time! [ Sniffing .]
[ Sign Buzzing .]
Oh! We're takin' a bath on this.
We tried to tell ya these are unmanned oil rigs.
Aw, close the damn thing down.
No one's ever gonna come.
- Huh? - Give me 7 00 Krusty Burgers! You want fries with that? - [ Gulping .]
- You did it, Dad! You saved us! I'm proud you're my father.
Go away.
Eating.
[ Borgnine .]
Well, it sure is lucky we stumbled upon this old, abandoned summer camp.
[ Campers .]
Yeah.
- Hey, how about a song? - [ Campers .]
Okay.
Yeah.
" [ Children's Song .]
- " [ Continues .]
- [ Heavy Breathing .]
[ Heavy Breathing Continues .]
" [ Ends .]
[ All Screaming .]
- [ People Chattering .]
- Shh!