The Sopranos s05e08 Episode Script

Look at this.
The house sang out to us of Miami and Taormina where we had our honeymoon - Nicole said, "Let's buy it.
" Can just about smell the salt.
You mean the painting or the view? Both.
That's called the trumpay la oil.
Fool the eye.
It was done by an artist right here in West Hempstead.
I'll be damned.
Follow me, Jerry.
This little bitch is for you.
It's a Whirlpool Duet, top of the line.
Same as mine.
Nicole is head over heels with it.
This is above and beyond, Carmine.
Thank my father too, may he rest in peace.
This is for Freeport.
It's a token.
You know it's my understanding, Carmine, that Johnny is still sore about that.
That's why I appreciate your support.
I'm moved up here now.
You and me are gonna do great things together.
Amen.
Daddy, Daddy! The boat is sinking! Carmine! My God! I just sailed her up from Miami three weeks ago.
She was fine.
You should call the coastguard, Carmine.
Oh, shit! It's OK, take it easy.
After all these years of marriage, you know what you find yourself thinking in your private moments? Please, God, let me die first.
I don't wanna miss him.
He's gonna be all right.
You're lucky.
In some way, you've been spared that.
Well, you and Tony calling it quits now.
Maybe we should cancel the party.
Maybe he'll be fine by his birthday.
You know he's turning 75, Ma, that's a milestone.
He's got some bruising.
He's very lucky.
Those hedges broke his fall.
But a few days of rest and he should be fine.
The neurologist is giving him a final look, then you can take him home.
- Thank you so much, Doctor.
- Thank God.
His roofing days are over, I'll tell you that right now.
I guess.
So, what do you think about the party? Jeez, Ma, I I think we should go for it.
Well, what do you think about inviting Tony? Well, that's the thing.
I don't know if I should or not.
Everybody would understand if you didn't.
- You're separated.
- I know.
Just the idea of having a family party in the backyard without Tony manning the grill, playing host It wouldn't be the same.
- It's gonna be OK, baby.
- Why don't they take care of this man? I think it's a very wise decision.
What decision? I haven't made one.
I thought I heard you say that you had.
That he wasn't coming.
Maserati.
- Kind of draws attention, no? - True.
Friends of ours, most of 'em probably wouldn't own it.
It was always a dream of mine to own a fine Italian sports car.
Salute.
And in the Guinea grey it looks fantastic.
Tops out 176 miles per hour.
Standing quarter in 13 and change.
- How many horses? - 390.
- What'd that set you back? About - 99 and change.
You're spending like you're on the throne.
- I had a good year.
- Oh, God bless.
While we're doing car talk here, Phil Madonna, he won't let that thing go.
He owed me money and he was ducking me.
I'm not saying you're wrong.
Phil treats nickels like manhole covers.
Believe me, I know.
The loyal captains need to know I stand behind them.
Fucking Little Carmine.
This asshole's giving away washing machines.
You believe that? He don't have collision insurance, fucking Phil? His son-in-law's a broker.
They let it lapse looking for a better rate.
Fucking idiot.
Tony, I ruled in your favour.
The racetrack, the money Philly owed you.
If I'm paying for it, we do it at Pussy's or not at all.
His wife's running the body shop now.
I can at least control expenses.
Thanks.
Come on.
Get in.
I'll take you for a ride.
Fucking thing's so powerful, I had to take a lesson from the dealer.
It's pretty low.
- How's Ginny like the car? - She loves it.
She hasn't driven with me.
With her knee, she has a little trouble getting into the seat.
Tony, hi.
Hey, Ange.
- How are ya? - Good.
A friend of mine banged up his car pretty good so I was thinking, maybe help us both out and throw a little business your way.
You didn't need to come.
Phone me.
The thing is, I gotta pay for the repairs.
Long story, I distracted him while he was driving.
Anyway, the point being that anything you can do to keep costs in line would be a big help to me.
You look like you're doing pretty good since we had that phone call where you asked me could you take over Puss's body shop.
Thank you for that, Tony.
You didn't have to say yes with all the other kind of business you do through here.
His name is Phil, and Carmela sends her love.
Please say hello! Finally.
I left a message I was gonna come by.
Well, I got in late.
The girl called in sick.
You should get a new one.
Have a seat.
May I get you anything? How's your father? Much better.
Oh, thanks.
He'll be fine for the party, thank God.
Well, that's good.
- What party? - His 75th birthday? The surprise party we talked about last summer? - Oh, yeah.
That's coming up? - Next Saturday.
But actually that's why I wanted to come by.
I think maybe it would be best be easier anyway, for both of us, if if I went at it alone, and not have you there.
My father would love to have you there.
He's crazy about your sausages and all the rest of it, but I thought, "Why put us and people in an uncomfortable situation?" I decided right away when we broke up I wasn't coming.
Really? I'm so glad you understand.
It was hard for me to come to this decision, let alone tell you.
Well, I'd like to contribute anyway.
No, Mom and I are taking care of it.
For Hugh's 75th? I insist.
I would rather see you go back to your therapist.
I'd like to see you go to a therapist! And I'm not the only one.
Oh, really? You can tell them all I can't afford it.
It's not really your business any more whether I go or what! I brought you some Danish and coffee.
Fucking medication.
I can't think.
I can't stay awake.
It don't have that side effect.
But it'll help your outlook if you'd take it consistently like you're supposed to.
What's on? It said in the guide it's an Italian movie, but even with the captions I can't tell what's what.
They had Jesus hanging off a helicopter, but you could tell it was a dummy.
You know who I saw at the bakery? How the fuck could I know? Rosalie Aprile.
There's a surprise party for Carmela's father next week.
He's gonna be 75.
You get an invite? No, but we go way back to when Moses wore short pants.
I'd better call Hugh.
Tell him not to expect me.
It's a surprise party, Jun'.
What are we, children? At our age it's enough surprise we're still alive every morning.
- What cities and states, please? - In West Orange.
DeAngelis, Hugo.
The call can automatically be completed by pressing one for an additional charge of 35 cents.
What the fuck? It's over anyhow.
Hello? - Who is this? - Corrado Soprano.
Corrado.
How are ya? How am I? I'm a prisoner in my own home is how I am.
- What do we live for? - Yeah.
Anyhow, I wanted to wish you a buona fortuna, and also send you my regrets.
- I'd love to be at your jubilee - Junior.
- Jubilee? - But the government says I can't leave the house, and my family keeps me sedated.
Bobby told me it was a surprise party but I told him I go, "At our age it's enough surprise every day when we get up in the morning.
" I suppose so.
So happy birthday, my friend, and many more.
To think, when I got out of the joint they thought an air bag was Paulie Walnuts.
- How'd we do this week? - Good.
The Acura dealer, what's his name, he took 20 units.
Carlo gave me the OK to make some personnel changes at the warehouse.
Your call.
I don't know.
The air bag thing, it earns good.
It's not hard work, Christ knows, but But what? I could be a lot more service in other areas.
And getting straightened out wouldn't hurt.
Just eat what's on your plate right now.
- Christ, what's it been, a month? - I'm a team player, cousin.
Charlie Hustle.
If that's what you want, I'll do it.
Look.
- If you need some money - Get the fuck out of here.
All right.
Let's go get a drink.
What should I get Hugh for his birthday? I was thinking cigars but I figured you were probably gonna bring some.
Actually I decided not to go.
In light of the situation, I went, I saw Carm, I told her I thought it'd be best if I sit it out.
Hi, Phil, Joe.
Where's your brother-in-law, doll? I wouldn't know.
Hey, Philip, how the hell are you? - How's the neck? - Where's the car? We all passed a lotta water since the old days, huh? I was away when all that shit went down with your brother.
What the fuck happened? We don't like to talk about it.
Your car's in here, Phil.
It's all set.
What the fuck is this? It was a front-end collision, Phil.
- This new paint isn't as brilliant.
- It's factory paint, same as original.
It is different.
It's duller.
Something's off with the seat.
What is it, Phil? Feels off kilter.
Try it, Joey.
You're right.
It's off its axis.
It reclines strange too.
Try it.
Nobody said anything about the seats.
This is unacceptable.
Come on, Joey.
Give me a call when you get the job done.
A couple of days, Phil.
We did what was asked of us.
Call me when it's done right.
So, Dad, how does dinner at Vesuvio's sound for your birthday? Just us.
We'll come here first for the presents and then we'll go over there.
Sure, sure.
That sounds fine.
- Did somebody tell you something? - I know all about it.
- You can save the cloak and dagger.
- AJ! What? - Junior Soprano told me all about it.
- That miserable fucking man.
You don't know the half.
Relax.
I'm fine with knowing.
At my age, it's surprise enough to be able to get out of bed every morning.
So who's coming to this shindig? God damn him! All of us, your brother Lester, Dr Fegoli.
Russ Fegoli? He's in town? He retired from the Foreign Service.
But they were living out in Marin County or wherever.
Well, they settled on Jersey.
Octavia, the oldest, lives here.
Wait, who's Dr Faggo? Fegoli.
Feg.
She of the five-page Christmas card.
And on Flag Day, Papa Russ shook hands with Andrew Cuomo.
What an honour.
B-F-D.
The Fegoli kids finished college.
That's what sticks in your craw.
When he got that medal, you two weren't even invited to the ceremony.
It was out in California! They knew that your father doesn't like to be out of his element.
Now, here's someone we can all be proud of, Anthony.
Dr Fegoli served in the State Department.
In Rome, he was career assistant to the ambassador to the Vatican.
He got a medal from the Pope himself.
- Wow.
- But when we were kids in the navy, he had such a bad case of the crabs we used to call him the Governor of Maryland.
Stop acting like a child.
Lighten up.
He's old enough.
She's right, knock it off.
- Who else is coming? - Freddy Di Novi Tony'll love him.
Who else? Dad, Tony isn't coming to the party.
Why? Well, I felt that since we're separated, we should get used to the idea of living separate lives.
That's a crock of shit.
Don't talk to her like that.
I've known the man for 20-something years! It's his house! Tony is in agreement with me.
Because you put the screws to him.
- I'll cancel the party.
- Go ahead.
I'm not coming if the man of the house isn't there.
Tony, it's Angie.
We did all the repairs you said on Phil's car.
He came today and now he found a dent in the rear.
- His seat.
There's a problem with that.
- His seat? I didn't wanna get into these extras without checking with you.
You wanna run a body shop, run a body shop.
You claimed your piece of the garage.
So you wanna be in business, do what you think the situation calls for.
I wanna put my kids through college.
That's a good thing, Ange.
Some women left alone like that would've given up.
Tony, before I outlay for these costs, I need to know Ange, I'm not there, what do I know? It's your call.
Tone.
What's up? Pussy's Body Shop is one of your stops, right? They're fixing the fucking Shah of Iran's car.
Be there when he picks it up.
Make sure he's happy, but don't let the shit spiral out of control.
- Right.
I'll take care of it.
- Thanks.
I'm on my way to Welsh Farms, get a triple blueberry sundae.
Good for you.
Enjoy.
Hot summer night Go for it.
You deserve it.
All right, yeah.
I'll talk to you later.
- Opus.
- Fine choice.
Angelo here spoke very highly of you, how you handled yourself in Pennsylvania.
That's why I wanted to meet you.
We were like Frick and Frack in the can.
Angelo's my buddy.
He knew the Jackie Gleason stuff by heart.
He acted all the parts.
Do a little bit for Rusty, the mambo thing.
Mambo? Oh, Carlos was teaching you the mambo! That's a different story! Get out! Get out! So how's your re-entry been? You doing OK? Yeah.
Tony's been good with me.
- I always liked your cousin.
- He's a real gentleman.
Angelo's looking out for you too.
I told Rusty that you might need a little earn.
Yeah, I could use a little cash injection, maybe a push up the pyramid.
You know, time served? We need something done.
A nice little payday for you, and an opportunity for you to hone that rep you left behind.
And this involves? Somebody needs to go.
Anyone I know? New York guy, not Jersey.
- Who is he with? - Friend of a friend.
Not a friend of ours.
A friend of Johnny's.
- You guys got to settle that shit.
- It's not the boat.
It's not the boat.
It's Lorraine Calluzzo.
Rainey Calluzzo.
Little Carmine went to school with her.
They go back that far.
Kill a woman? Come on.
I can't sign on right now.
I wanna give my cousin the benefit of the doubt.
He don't want us involved in this problem over here anyway.
Why don't you think about it for a bit? I don't know.
I don't think so, but thanks, guys.
We had a big talk over here the other day and the consensus seems to want your presence at my father's party.
Well, that's nice but it's kinda short notice.
Look, it's for my father, not me.
I made plans to go fishing with Sil.
Well, he really wants you there.
If you could make it, he would be very happy.
He's very fond of you.
The New York salsicc', hickory wood, whatever.
You're not using Artie? I got him doing appetisers but he's really there as a guest.
I am cooking.
Tomorrow's gonna be a madhouse, just a living hell.
I don't know, I'll I'll see what I can do.
Thank you, Tony, I appreciate it.
Jerry said to refrigerate.
I think there is room in the garage.
I know you're shorthanded.
I thought you might need some help.
It's my weekend with the boys.
They'll stay out of the way.
Aunt Carmela is nice enough to let you guys enjoy her pool, and you wanna destroy her property.
It's a beach chair! It can get wet.
Don't get smart! You wanna go home? What can I do? The dips.
I forgot the dips.
I gotta duck out later.
I could get some at Grand Union.
Grand Union closed ten years ago.
You know what? Frig the dip.
They'll have to survive with salsa.
Can I make you a cocktail? I make a mean Rusty Nail.
Now? No.
Thanks again for letting the kids take a swim.
Any time, you know that.
Cheers.
They love being here.
This is truly a beautiful home.
What, are you here, five years now? I asked you to get up at 11:00.
We got a lot to do today.
You were supposed to send this for summer school.
Put it down! - Greetings, birthday people.
- You are here, which is great.
You can help with the setup.
Hi, Mrs Soprano.
This is our Uncle Tony.
This is Meadow's friend Finn.
What are you doing? I'm making Grandpa's favourite icebox cake.
- We have cake.
- Why don't you take a swim? You're hot.
Do you have a towel? I'll bring you a coffee too.
- I'll be outside.
- Cake pan? Meadow, I have a lot to do today.
Hello? I'm making dessert to help.
- He seems like a nice guy.
- Yep.
- Any luck with Kelly? - No.
I've been scouring the internet for any trace.
Here is your cake pan.
And you're gonna clean up your baking mess! I can imagine how much you must miss her, your only daughter.
What was she, like 11, when she lived with you guys? We had her 12th birthday party right before she moved out.
- How'd she do in school then? - Straight As.
My God.
What is the matter with them? Don't lift that by yourself, Hugh, wait for some help.
What are you doing here? You always do this! - The party is not for hours! - He needs help.
What am I doing? Returning your port-a-vac.
- You said you needed it.
- Happy birthday.
- Later for that.
Get your uncle out here.
- He left.
He said he told you.
He asked us to watch the twins.
Here, help me with this.
My goodness.
What a bother.
Excuse us for living.
How you doing? I'm Tony.
Yeah, the other Tony's cousin, right? It reclines perfectly, try it.
Fuck that.
I don't feel like I'm sitting at 12 o'clock.
You're sitting at 12 o'clock.
- May I? - I don't give a fuck.
You can sit in there till fucking San Gennaro.
It'll still need to be dealt with.
This car went through a major collision.
It seems OK.
How could it be OK if it's askew? What's the matter? You got an eye problem? You look like Stevie Wonder! What'd I say? I didn't say nothing.
Replacing the seat will cost a fortune.
Give me a break, Phil.
The seat is fine.
You have a problem with the grain on the leather.
You think I'm stupid? Don't take it out on me! Come on, Joey.
How about this? Replace the tracks under the seat, maybe throw in a CD player.
We already replaced the tracks.
- He's got a CD player.
- Jesus God, Duke, they're hosing us for a $2,000 factory seat! Come on, Joey.
- Tony, nice to meet you.
- Come on! You coming? Joe, try to keep him cooled down.
Here you go, Freddy.
Get it, Jason! Come on! My God.
- Ma, what? - Dr Fegoli Russ.
- What? - He's allergic to tomatoes.
All right, so we will deal with it.
Jesus.
Don't you have any hors d'oeuvres without tomatoes? The prosciutto-wrapped chèvre.
Rosalie just took 'em out.
An Italian allergic to pomodori? Dio mio.
You have my sympathies.
It wasn't always like this.
It started when they gave me radiation for my prostate.
Don't ask me why.
Did you know Monsignor Kelly? He was in charge of the tours at all the catacombs.
- I made you a plate, Russ.
- Thank you, Mary.
You know, Carmela's mother-in-law Livia detested northern cooking.
- Really, why? - She skeeved the butter.
The father was like that, too.
The whole Soprano bunch.
So many Neapolitans and Sicilians feel that way.
You really have to go to Italy to know and so many of them don't.
I ate like a champ up and down the boot the whole two weeks.
But those recipes that you used to send me from Tuscany, Lena.
My God, they were a revelation.
Bollito misto, osso bucco The lovely Carmela.
Would you like to say a few words? He's back, thank God.
Will you get the guests arriving? Where the hell is Tony? Have a glass of wine, it'll calm you down.
He is bringing the charcoal and the sausage.
Always the last minute.
- I heard that.
- Finally.
- She's got no faith in me.
- I wonder why? Pins and needles, needles and pins.
Palumbo's - the birthday boy's favourite.
- Where is he? - He's out back.
Oh, good.
Honey, pace yourself.
Hey, there he is! Hey, happy birthday to you Got salsiccia for you Russ, wait till you taste this.
There's nothing else like it.
I want you to meet a couple of our oldest friends, Dr Russ and Lena Fegoli.
Nice to meet you, sir.
My son-in-law Well, whatever Tony Soprano.
A doctor, huh? That's good.
Somebody usually goes down at these.
He's just joking.
Unfortunately, my doctorate is in international affairs.
From Princeton.
- GI Bill.
- So you're a doctor like Kissinger's a doctor.
Yes.
Russ had an audience with four popes.
- What section did you all sit in? - Idiot! TB, make sure you shoot the food tables before they're pillaged.
Well, I'd love to stay and chat but I got a fire to start.
- Nice to meet you, Doc.
- Nice to meet you.
Everybody! Could you gather around, please? Everybody, everybody! Come on over.
I would like to make a toast to the man of the hour, a very special man, a man who I love more than words could possibly say - My father.
- Hear, hear! You are the best father and grandfather in the world.
Speech, speech! You are the greatest, my little Melly.
Thank you for everything.
Tony, thank you for having us at your home.
Mare, my lovely bride.
Still the prettiest girl in the world.
Thank you for putting up with me all these years.
Thank all you freeloaders for coming! - Why don't you open up your gifts, Dad? - Not now, Carmela.
- It's very mercenary.
- Well, good.
People spent money on them.
I'll break the ice.
Here.
- Open this one.
- It's from him.
You're too much.
A Stratocaster? A Beretta.
- It's a shotgun.
- Shotgun? This is I don't know what to say.
It's a Giubileo 12-gauge.
28-inch barrel.
Nice to have money.
Get me another Rolling Rock, Jay.
What time did you start drinking today? Probably right after you got up.
Coz! Tony, can you bring the camera over here and get a shot of this? Sure, I got nothing better to do.
I expect a freezer full of venison this year.
You got it, kid.
Beautiful piece.
The over-under action, the engraving, they're artisans.
And you know, I've been to the Beretta studio in Brescia.
No kidding.
I'd love to see that.
You know, that company goes back to the 1500s.
Madonna! Sure, the best pieces they never export, you see.
I want one and all here to know what a wild man Hugo was in his day.
Remember what he did at the Bund meeting in Paterson? - Threw that cherry bomb on those Krauts? - Yeah, tell that one.
You made my father's year with that gun.
He deserves it.
- You look beat.
Take a break.
- Nah, I'm all right.
- Could use a beer, though.
- Well, you got it.
Thanks.
How's that look? Done? You're the grill-meister.
Don't get me wrong, we have the greatest legal system in the world, but it's becoming more and more discriminatory.
If you're a minority, or worse, an immigrant from an Arab country, civil rights don't apply at all.
In no place is the breach of civil rights more evident than the penal system.
- Rehabilitation? Please.
- Yeah.
That nature of the system instils the convict mentality to the point where prison becomes the only venue where the convict can function.
My little bleeding heart.
She is wise beyond her years.
She better be, all the money I'm spending over at Liberal University in sunny Harlem.
Come here.
- How you doing? - Good.
Remember when you were little what I called you? You don't remember? - You were too young to remember? - Stop! How could you not remember? You know Hugh built this house? Your friend's maxing out the situation down at Puss's.
Sure.
Factory seat, 2K.
I tried.
I'd hate to see Ange get stuck with that.
Then again, her friend is taking me to the cleaners with this divorce shit.
I gotta belt-tighten.
Can we get some able-bodied seamen over here? Tony B? What am I, a fucking slave? - I didn't have a drop.
- Goddamn you.
Lester'll drive.
He's in the bathroom.
Watch your head.
Hey! Virginia Mayo.
Thank you for coming.
I'm sorry for everything.
What can I say? Get my boy home safe.
You're sorry? For what? - No, no.
I wanna hear.
- Oh, please, Carmela.
The off-colour jokes, the sausage twirling These are cultured Italians.
Russ is a success, a diplomat.
This was a shock for them.
He's such a diplomat he insults his host? You heard what he said to Tony.
He's a pompous man.
- He always was.
- Let's talk about this another time.
That's why you didn't want Tony here.
It had nothing to do with our situation.
All along, it was so that your cultured Italian friends, who were born and raised on Arthur Avenue, I might add, - wouldn't meet Tony the gavone.
- He made us all look like gavones.
Whatever we are, I am proud of it, unlike you obviously.
I have always been proud of my heritage.
Bullshit.
You told Aunt Rose you were glad DeAngelis didn't end in a vowel.
I never said that! And when Meadow came out "Oh my God, she's so dark.
" You're drunk.
I'm going home.
There are Italians all around with their closet self-loathing.
I just never wanted to believe my mother was one of them.
What the fuck are you crying about? Your secret is out.
- Marco.
- Polo.
Fish out of water! You're it, Tone! - I'm taking a T-O.
- Marco.
Here, let me get this.
No, I'm fine.
You have fun.
No, no, really.
Let me I'll get it.
I'll get it.
- Put me down! - You look like you could use a dip! - Don't you I'm serious! - One.
- AJ! - Two.
- Tony, don't! - Three! - You bastards! - You're it, Carm.
- Idiots.
- Don't let her get out.
You're still it! - All right.
Pleasant dreams, hammers.
- Night, Dad.
- Good night, Grandma.
- Good night.
- Grandma's not a maid.
- I'll put 'em in the hamper.
- What's this? - I don't know.
- Yes, you do.
- Shut up.
Am I talking to you, Justin? I asked you a question, Jason.
Pins.
From the '96 Olympics in Atlanta, it looks like.
That's when you were stationed in Saudi Arabia, right, Dad? Yes, that's right, but I'm talking to your brother.
You took this tonight, didn't you? I borrowed it from AJ.
You stole this from your cousin who opens his house to you? I found it on the floor way in back of AJ's closet.
He doesn't care.
With all the stuff he has? He got to go to the Olympics and everything.
I love where he lives.
I don't wanna come back here.
My son steals from his own family.
You're gonna return it tomorrow and apologise.
Where are your Game Boys? That's mine.
Jason's is in the drawer.
I'm giving these to the Salvation Army.
- I didn't do nothing! - You're as bad as he is cos you didn't stop him! We should get going, AJ.
I don't wanna drop you off too late.
Call me when you get to Patrick's.
Yeah, I'll try.
He's in a bad cell area.
He'll try? Just showing her he's not a kid.
I think he's showing her more than that.
That's inevitable.
It's scary is what that is.
He'll be fine.
- He's in love.
- Oh, please.
You know what it's like at that age.
Can't wait to see each other.
Can't keep your hands off each other.
- What am I doing? - Tony, let's call it a night.
Why? - You tired? - Yes.
Come on.
Artie is right over there.
He's comatose.
This is nice, no? Doesn't it feel nice? I didn't say that.
No, Tony, don't.
So which type of torture instrument are we going to use to pound this? Hello? Blundetto.
How can I help you? I'm in.
You asleep? Here you go, Joey.
It's bigger than last week's.
Hey, Crystal.
The room is empty.
Come on, time is money.
Thanks.
Phil will be very happy.
Send him and John my best, huh? - Good night, Heather.
- Good night, Muzz.
- You're off? - Yeah.
- I'm going downtown.
- Me too.
Let's go.
See you next week, Joe.
Tony, right? What, you come here too? English