Big Mouth (2017) s05e09 Episode Script

1
-[birds chirping]
-[Nick] Ugh, Christmas sucked!
You got the worst presents!
[Diane] Nicky,
I don't hear you packing in there.
And now I have to go
on this garbage-ass ski vacation
at a garbage-ass luxury resort
with my garbage-ass family.
And don't forget,
Andrew's garbage ass is coming too.
Also, I'm excited
to go on a big fancy airplane
and touch all the buttons
around your seat.
Am I doing hate right?
[both] No!
Okay, I love you guys.
Ooh, Leah, I can't believe
you're gonna finally fuck Val!
Yeah, I'm just going to do it.
Right, Bonnie?
I mean, everyone knows
the first time sucks anyway.
Well, hold on.
Like my sister Connie says,
sex is supposed to be savored,
like a precious little ravioli.
What? I didn't know you had a sister.
Oh, yeah, me and Connie are Gemini twins.
We came out sixty-nining.
Okay.
Your pussy-eating sister aside,
it's probably not gonna be good, right?
I don't know.
Val did promise your little brother
he's gonna boink you till you happy cry.
-Huh.
-And I want that for you.
Okay, yeah.
Maybe it will be good. All right.
I'm gonna lose my virginity
to Val Bilzerian.
No, no, no!
You're gonna win your virginity
to Val Bilzerian.
Oh, shit, we talking about virginity?
Giving, taking or returning?
Connie LaCienega,
what the heck are you doing here?
Well, Bonnie LaCienega,
I wanted to give you a heads-up
that Maury's also going on the trip.
Do you think you two can be civil
with each other for once? For me?
Your sixty-nining twin sister?
Connie, the dude is a deadbeat!
You'd fuck him if you got to know him.
Okay. Did he or did he not
use your credit card
to buy a $100,000
baby Beanie Feldstein Beanie Baby?
That baby Beanie Beanie Baby
was an investment, baby.
Baby, between you and me, he shouldn't
have bought that baby Beanie Beanie Baby.
Well, this is not
the Jonah Hill I will die on.
Have a good trip!
["Changes" by Charles Bradley plays]
I'm going through changes ♪
I'm going through changes ♪
Oh, in my life ♪
Oh! Ooh! Ooh! ♪
[slurps] Mmm! Mott's spicy tomato juice.
And look, Madagascar 4!
-[groans]
-[sighs]
This is the Birch life, Nicky baby.
Ugh! His feet smell like salad dressing.
Leah, did you remember
to bring your skates?
Yes, Mom.
Val, you have to see Leah ice skate.
She's been obsessed with it ever since
I took her to see Broad City on Ice.
Mmm, I would love to see Leah on ice.
Oh, yeah?
You want to go ice skating with me?
I want to whack your knees with a pipe.
Ooh! Let's go join the mile high club!
I'm not losing my virginity
in an airplane bathroom.
Besides, Andrew's already
been in there twice,
and he had all that tomato juice.
What, you don't like to fuck
in small places that smell like shit?
Maury, your gross, marinara-guzzlin'
kid is ruining this trip.
What do you got against tomato juice?
It's delicious.
It tastes like a vegetable's period.
I don't know, Elliot.
It seems early for Leah
to be bringing a boyfriend on a trip.
What if they have sex this weekend?
Diane Keaton Birch.
When we became parents, we took a test,
and that test came back sex-positive.
[sighs] I just don't know if I'm ready.
-If Leah's ready, we're ready.
-Ugh.
And I for one can't wait
to break my daddy hymen. Boop.
[knocks]
-[door chime jingles]
-"Hello! My name is Lola Skumpy.
I'm legally obligated to inform you
that I am a registered 'sex offender'
for doing revenge porn."
But, like, in a totally hilarious way
that has most of the people
at home rooting for me.
I'm, like, L-O-Ling for real. L-O-L Lola.
[chuckles, snorts]
Psst! Hey, kid, over here.
Okay, look, man,
I'm banned from that magic store,
so just go in there and buy me
a--a couple of linking rings, maybe?
Limerick,
don't talk to that creepy magician.
Well, joke's on you, lady.
[crying] 'Cause I'm not
a magician anymore.
I broke the sacred code!
Well, well, well,
look at what the cat shit out.
I bet you want to, like,
throttle me right now.
No, Lola. I don't want to do
anything to you anymore.
I'm just a loose, empty foreskin
with, ta-da, no coin inside. You win.
Alas, like the war on drugs,
I might have won, but, like, at what cost?
[crickets chirping]
You guys, holy shit!
There's a phone in the bathroom.
Ooh, let's use it to call for movie times.
-Well, see you later, everybody.
-Whoa, whoa. Where are you two going?
-Uh, to our room?
-I thought Val was sleeping with Judd.
I'm sleeping in the woods. Peace, losers.
[rope rasping]
There's only three rooms,
and Dad said Val and I could have our own.
Without consulting me?
I thought I speak for you
and you speak for me.
Well, who said that?
Well, I did, but I was speaking for you,
so it was kind of like you said it to me.
Okay. I'm going to take a bath.
And Elliot?
I will sprinkle my own rose petals on top.
Oh, no.
So how do you wanna do this?
Connie and I usually just sleep in a pile
with our thumb up each other's asses.
Well, I hold myself
to a higher standard than Connie.
For example, she refers to herself
as a hormone "monstress,"
whereas I prefer hormone "monster,"
You don't call
a female doctor a "doctress."
Oh, I most certainly do.
But I don't call my dentist a "dentress."
I call her my tooth barber.
What do you call your dental hygienist?
Tooth barber's little helper.
[grunts]
Looks like I won't be needing
my instruments of magic anymore.
-Abraca-dumpster. [sighs]
-[gruff voice] Hey, kid, I like tricks.
I'll let you dazzle me.
Really? Even though
I'm a disbarred magician?
Yeah, yeah, but first,
you gotta do something for me.
I want you to sit on me with no pants,
like one of my college students.
[hesitantly] Okay,
so if I rub my balls all over your face,
then you'll pick a card for me?
Sure, but my bed bugs get to watch.
Yeah, fuck our futon like
we're a couple of cuck-roaches. [laughs]
[Maury] So the recipe
calls for Monterey Jack,
but you can do it
with any shredded cheese.
And you said you're putting
all of this in a pair of panties?
Yeah, it's a panties burrito.
It's an easy weeknight meal.
Oh, my God, Jay!
What the fuck are you doing?
[grunts] I'm getting ready
to dazzle this filthy futon.
This is great. Jay has hit rock bottom.
Perfect time for you to rock his bottom.
Do I look like a Republican congressman
in an airport bathroom?
I'm not taking advantage of him,
it's too sad.
-Aw.
-I think I actually wanna help him?
Whoa, kinky!
Jay, put on your pants.
We're getting you cleaned up.
No offense, Matthew, but I'm not
worthy of a gay makeover montage.
No offense taken, Jay, because I'm just
gonna hose you down in my driveway.
-[air hissing]
-Do my parents not even care
that Val's gonna
try to screw Leah tonight?
Bad guys like him
get away with everything!
And meanwhile,
you're stuck here with Dork Vader.
Hey, Andrew,
can you turn that stupid thing off?
I definitely cannot.
You see,
without my pediatric CPAP machine,
I'll choke myself to the edge of death.
-But not in the way that he likes!
-[groans]
So, shall we make-a da love?
Why would you tell Leah
she and Val could have their own room?
Leah asked, and I could never
say no to one of my kids,
unless they asked me
if I could possibly love them more.
-Ugh.
-And now for the love.
I'm not "makin' da love," Elliot!
I'm angry and I'm going to bed.
No! If you go to bed angry,
I won't be able to sleep,
and then I won't have the energy
to cherish you tomorrow.
[groans] Oh…
[Leah moaning softly]
Well, he's been digging his dick
into your hip for about 30 minutes,
so I think he's ready if you are.
Hey, it seems like
it might be time to go "ice skating."
Sure, but I'd rather have sex.
Yeah, sex.
[chuckles] I mean sex, Val.
Yeah, I know,
let me just put on my "ice knives".
I--I mean, condom.
The brand is Ice Knives.
They're the biggest.
-Okay, here we go.
-[classical music plays]
[in Russian accent] That's right,
my little vodka potato.
-Let's chicken his Kiev.
-Whoa…
Yeah. Okay, I can do this.
-[rock music plays]
-Ladies and gentlemen, let's fuck Leah!
Whoa!
-Now, where do I--
-Not there.
-There, is that it?
-Nope, excuse me, that's private.
-Okay, that hurts a little…
-¿Dónde está la biblioteca?
Oh! You're in.
We should start with simple move.
Make trip around rink, wave to judges.
-[grunts] Careful!
-Yeah! You like that?
Um, yeah, it's okay.
We try new position. Go for the lift!
-I'm about to have a miracle on ice!
-Ah!
[sighs] Wow, that was amazing.
Right, babe?
[hesitantly] Yeah, totally amazing, babe.
Liar! That was not amazing.
It was pokey and fast and chaos.
I know!
He promised you a happy cry,
but left you feeling crappy and dry.
I'm gonna go check movie times
in the bathroom.
Thanks for letting Jay stay here
while he gets over his girlfriend.
Oh, that poor baby.
I heard that Skumpy girl
absolutely annihilated him.
Who did you hear that from?
Her! She's going door-to-door
telling everybody.
It's all anyone my age group
is talking about.
I-- Oh, and there he is now!
[chuckles] Look at you. You look like
a chipmunk going to a job interview.
[sighs] Thanks, Mr. Matthew.
So, Jay, my son tells me you do magic.
Why don't you do a trick for us, Jay?
Oh, I wish I could, Mrs. Matthew,
but I'm nothing now,
and I'm just waiting to die. Ta-da!
Oh, Maury, this is not hot.
Yeah, and he's all cleaned up
like some Matthew-ass bitch.
No offense, buddy, it works for you.
Oh, no, I get it.
Elliot, I'm gonna ride with Leah
because I could use
a little space from you right now.
[sighs]
Val, you're dating Diane's daughter,
do you think you could
put in a good word for me?
Okay, these seats are moving pretty fast.
Should we ask someone to slow them down?
Come on! Get on the fucking chair!
Sir! If you rush me,
it will only take longer.
-Andrew, just go!
-Ah!
Why are you so mad at Dad?
I just don't like that he gave
you and Val your own room, okay?
Oh, my God! I knew all that stuff
about how you'd rather
I "do it under your roof"
was total bullshit!
It wasn't, and I would, I--I think.
I don't know.
And I'm having trouble
with it, okay, Leah?
Kinda like how Val was having trouble
holding onto his yogurt!
And if it makes you feel any better,
I feel bad about feeling bad about it.
Well, if it makes you feel any better,
it totally sucked.
And I don't even think
I want to do it again.
No! That does not make me feel better,
that's awful!
You're my daughter,
and if you're going to have sex,
I want you to have
wonderful, satisfying sex.
Ew! Mom! Don't say that!
You guys are teenagers.
You're just learning,
and you need to be able
to tell your partner what arouses you.
[gags] "Arouses"?
Maybe you'll like nipple play,
or mutual masturbation.
Or having your toes counted out loud!
Mom, I beg you, please stop!
Well, if you're not ready
to talk about sex,
then maybe
you're not ready to be having it.
Okay, well,
now you have to have sex again,
just to prove your mom wrong!
That's hot, right?
Hey, Nick, let's take a selfie
and hashtag it "Dat Birch life."
-More like, "Dat bitch life."
-Oh, no, my wallet! My white wallet!
Nick, remember where it was.
Oh, we're dropping things?
Okay. Later, loser!
[cries] Maybe I should
just jump and disappear
into the snow like a white wallet.
Why does your wife
being mad at you make you so sad?
It's not like your ATV got stolen
or something.
But my ATV was taken away,
because for me,
ATV stands for "Adore The Vagina."
Oh, yeah!
The vagina is kind of like a door.
You can go in and you can go out.
And the clitoris is the doorbell.
Ding-dong! I love you!
The clitoris? I hear that's a myth.
Oh, yes. I've seen
your father's law commercials,
but it's very real and very important.
Really? I had no idea.
You don't know how
to ring my daughter's doorbell? Oh, Val.
Sex should be
a mutually pleasurable activity.
It was pleasurable.
I mean, I had fun. I think she did.
I don't know if she did.
I don't know if I had a good time.
It--it was bad?
Well, maybe you should try
listening to your lover, my daughter,
and figure out how to ATV.
Yeah. And I don't know,
maybe you should try listening to Diane.
Val, you're a very sweet boy,
but keep my wife's name
out of your fucking mouth.
Okay, tips up. Here we are!
Whoa, whoa.
Nicky, where do you think you're going?
I'm doing the Organgrinder
with Val and Leah.
-Uh, the Organgrinder is a black diamond!
-I don't think you're ready for that.
-What?
-And what about Andrew?
Can you ski a black diamond?
I'm sorry.
I thought the chair thing was the ride.
Full disclosure, I have never skied.
Ooh, a black diamond
is the most advanced run.
As long as there are no humps
and I can sit down, I should be okay.
Nick, you stay with Andrew.
-Make sure he gets down safely.
-Mom! Mom, please.
-You guys should try the cuddly duckling.
-[giggles]
Bye, Mrs. Birch!
Jesus!
-You tag along on my family ski trip…
-That's it!
…you ride with us
to the top of a mountain…
It's too much!
And now you can't even ski?
I can't anymore with this tube sock.
I can't!
Fuck you, Andrew!
Wow, dick move. Got to admire it.
You know what, Maury? I can do this.
Andrew, I gotta level with you, bud.
You are out of shape.
You struggle with stairs,
and you have a hard time pouring milk.
You're going to kill yourself.
You're right.
Andrew Glouberman would kill himself.
But Andrew Birch
is gonna shralp this pow-pow.
I'm on my butt. I'm on my butt.
Oh, no! Here comes the tree.
Still approaching.
-Ow!
-Hey, are you okay?
No. I shouldn't even be up here.
Me neither. My mom was right.
I'm gonna break my neck…
[both] Like a Kennedy
because their family was cursed.
-That's what I was gonna say.
-Jinx!
-[chuckles] Hi, I'm Bernadette.
-Hi!
Bernadette Sanders.
But everyone just calls me Bernie.
[chuckling] Wow!
-I'm--
-Andrew?
-Yeah!
-Cute picture, by the way.
Oh, my God, you found my wallet
that's the same color as the snow!
Yeah, I tripped on it,
and it got lodged in my crevasse.
Smell it, smell the fucking wallet.
I'm so grateful
that you were able to find it and…
[sniffs] No, it still smells like my ass.
Ask if she'll put it back up.
Well, here's a thought
from the ol' idea factory.
What if we go down the mountain
on our crevasses together?
Bernie Sanders,
nothing would make me feel less alone.
-[giggles] Oh!
-[giggles] Oh! I went over a pine cone!
I can't believe they wouldn't let me
go down the Organgrinder.
My rights are being trampled.
And I didn't want to be
the one to tell you,
but there are actual mountains out west.
What you're skiing on here
is a hill of icy dog shit.
[Bernie] Oh, have you
ever seen Nights in Rodanthe?
-Well, of course.
-I'm a huge Richard Gere fan.
Get out of here. You're a Gere head?
I'm a huge Diane Laniac.
Well, sure. She's a piece of candy.
What in the actual fuck?
Nick! This is Bernie!
Hi, Nick! I'd get up and shake your hand,
but I'm holding in a fart.
Hey, also that sign
above the hot tub that says,
"Don't go in if you've had
diarrhea in the last 48 hours,"
that's not, like, a law, right?
It can't be. Who's ever gone
48 hours without having diarrhea?
[both] Not me!
[laughing] Jinx!
Andrew found a snow bunny?
Andrew? This trip is fucking trash.
Come on in, Nick, join us!
Yeah, I was just kidding about the fart.
I let it out a long time ago.
I wasn't gonna let it boil in here.
I think I'll just go stand barefoot
in the snow, but thanks.
Oh, hello, Bonstance.
Actually, it's Bonrad.
And if you're using the hot tub,
I can come back.
Oh, come on. There's plenty of room.
It'll just be you, me,
and these two fucking Garbage Pail Kids.
Well, I do love a juicy jacuzzi.
Just like your sister
and her bubble baths.
Bubble baths are for gettin' clean.
Hot tubs are for gettin' dirty!
Holy shit, my boiled dick
is so hard right now.
Val, I would like to buy
the electric company
because things need to get turned on.
Well, if that would give you pleasure,
then I am ATV.
-[giggles]
-I bet that filthy Bilzerian has HPV.
Just give me the stupid dice.
-Oh! Marvin Gardens!
-Yeah!
Uh-oh, Bernie and I own
a big, fat hotel there.
-Like your fat juicy butt!
-[chuckles]
-Bernie, stop it!
-No, I won't!
Oh, my God, both of you stop it! What the…
Welcome to the Hotel Di'Aray-a.
-Where you pay out the ass.
-[both chuckle]
-[Val] Hey, Nick!
-Shit.
-Check it out! I'm inside your sister!
-[moans]
Thanks, Mom and Dad,
for making this so easy!
-No!
-If our children aren't fucking,
we're not proud of them!
-Nicky, why don't you have a lover?
-What?
You're all alone, and this game is gonna
last another two and a half hours!
-Fire!
-[booms]
Fuck you all!
I don't want to play anymore!
Nicholas! What is wrong with you?
Me? What's wrong with you?
You're just gonna
let this sleazy putz fuck our Leah?
-Oh, my God!
-Yes.
We are gonna let Val fuck our Leah,
and Leah fuck our Val,
because that is who we are.
Elliot! Do you even hear yourself?
Nick, sit down.
Have some Havarti.
Have a couple olives and relax.
We're the Birches.
We're sexually progressive.
-Well, I'm sexually aggressive.
-[chuckles]
-Let me goosey that juicy caboosey.
-Oh!
Why are you here? Who even are you?
I'm Bernie Sanders. Get on board!
I hate all of you!
You're such a spoiled little baby!
[whining] I am not spoiled!
Fuck my family. Fuck Andrew.
Fuck Bernie Sanders!
You need to show those cum junkies
you are not a baby.
Yeah! How--how do I do that?
-What do big boys do?
-[dramatic sting]
They fucking shred the black diamond!
Oh, hell yes.
Big boys also tie their own shoes
and hold their sippy cups
all by their own selves.
[Jay] All right.
Well, you probably want me to get lost.
I'd disappear,
but I don't know if you've heard,
I can't do magic anymore.
Yeah, I got that.
Matthew, if you let him go, I quit.
-Are you allowed to do that?
-Fucking try me.
[exhales] You know, Jay,
you don't have to leave.
Why are you being so nice to me?
Everybody's right, I'm a fucking loser.
Well, yeah, right now
your whole vibe kind of sucks.
See, you get it.
-But this isn't you.
-Isn't it?
You're confident and tough.
I mean, life shits all over you
like you're a statue at a bird sanctuary,
but you're Jay.
-You just keep going.
-Yeah, he does. He's the best of us.
And meanwhile, I'm such a coward,
I couldn't even tell my boyfriend
why I really broke up with him.
[chuckling] Oh, yeah, that was so stupid.
Aiden was perfect.
I know, but he…
[sighs]
Jay, he wasn't you.
Wait, what?
Why are you saying all this shit?
I'm dumb. I'm rude.
My dick looks like a bruised yam.
Because I like you, okay?
There, I fucking said it.
I, like, like-like you.
-Oh, me, oh, my. I hope he likes us back.
-Hey, are you fucking with me right now?
Do not fuck with me, Matthew.
You don't like me.
I do! It's crazy,
but I really, really like you.
-I like that you're unhinged.
-Yeah!
-Unwashed.
-So dirty.
-Uncut.
-[growls] Uh-huh.
You're fucking right I am.
And, Jay, you've got that funk
that makes my junk wanna spunk.
Hey, you used my line!
Ooh, quick consent
to mash your mouth with mine?
Consent granted, sailor.
[both moaning]
Oh, finally. Reality matches my tattoo.
When I clench…
[grunts] …they kiss. [grunts]
So Valtrex Giuliani Bilzerian,
what, uh, arouses you?
-Uh…
-I mean, what turns you on?
Oh, you know, just regular stuff.
Stepsister stuff,
stepmom stuff, stepfather stuff.
But what I'd be into right now
is "pleasuring you" stuff.
-So what are you into?
-[gasps] What do I say?
Speak from the heart, about your pussy.
[scoffs] So I just say it?
A closed mouth don't get fed,
and a closed pussy don't get licked.
Um, I think what I would like
is for you to go down on me.
[exhales] Okay, I can do this.
I'm ready. But just a heads-up,
I'm not sure I can "adore the vagina"
as good as your dad does.
Hey, Val? Keep my father's name
out of your fucking mouth.
[both] Mmm.
Quite the view, huh?
So we're on a bed
in the midst of a rare diarrhea pause.
[chuckles] What do you want to do?
-Maury, what do I want to do?
-Uh, let me think.
Tell her… Oh, God, I don't know.
Uh, kissy. Ki-kissy touchy.
Oh, shit! Uh, kissy touchy wee-wee?
Well, what would you like to do, Bernie?
I think I would like you to kiss me?
Oh, kissy touchy wee-wee!
-[kissing, chuckles]
-Mmm.
Ooh! I like that your mustache
smells like mustard.
Oh, my boys are
fucking crushing it this episode.
[moans] Okay.
Now that you've Zambonied the ice,
should we try skating again?
Wait, babe, since we're,
like, talking now and stuff,
I should tell you that last night,
it was my first time.
-Oh! I'm so lame.
-Aww. No.
I think it's nice
that it was both of our first times.
Aw, that's very sweet, but chop-chop,
kissy touchy wee-wee! Come on.
-Okay, how's that?
-Good. We can go a little faster.
-Really? Oh, does that feel okay?
-Mmm. Yeah. It feels kind of great.
-I know!
-Hey, do you know how to skate backwards?
Actually, I think
we might need to go for the jump.
Already? [sighs breathlessly]
That's okay. Let's do it.
[wheezing grunt]
-[sighs] That was kind of okay.
-[pants, sighs]
Fuck yeah! It was kinda okay!
Yeah! Like pancakes without syrup.
It was kind of okay!
-You wanna try again?
-[chuckles] I think I do.
Yeah, let's go!
Let's get some lady nectar
up on those flapjacks.
Okay, I get it. I've heard you.
You don't love me anymore.
You want a divorce? That's fine.
All I ask is 100% custody of you.
I don't want a divorce, Elliot,
I just want to have a real conversation
about our daughter having sex!
-Oh, you want a real conversation, do you?
-Yes, I do!
Well, here's what I think!
Leah's ready to have sex when
Leah says she's ready to have sex
because we made Leah ready
to have sex when Leah's ready to have sex.
I know, but you need
to let me have my feelings about it!
I'm yelling,
but I'm actually very sorry about that,
and honestly,
I'm a little nervous about it too!
How would I know that
if we don't talk about it?
Oh, God, it feels like
just yesterday she was five years old,
and we were explaining that what she was
calling her vagina was actually her vulva.
-[crying]
-I know it's hard,
but do you know how sexy
you are when you're honest with me?
[sniffles] I am?
Can I please adore the vagina now?
No, because I'm gonna ATP.
You mean, adore the penis?
No. Annihilate it!
[gasps]
-[kissing, moaning]
-Whew!
[chuckles] It is hot under the Tuscan sun.
I know, I'm schvitzing
through my prescription deodorant.
Should we, uh, take off our shirts?
Oh, my God, this is it!
It's time to feel the Bern!
Hey, Maury…
My sister and I have decided two things.
One, it's time to put our dad in a home.
And two, we're having a threesome.
Well, I think, uh,
both of those things are for the best.
[grunting, moaning]
Do you guys have
a place in mind for your dad,
or you just gonna start researching?
Yeah, put a finger in my fucking ass.
Those assholes!
They can't tell me what to do.
Damn straight!
Let's hate fuck this mountain.
Fuck yeah!
-[exciting music plays]
-Whoa! [grunting] Ooh!
[Walter] Oh!
Later, losers!
[laughs, grunting]
[Nick] Oh, my God!
I never tried ceviche,
-even though I told everyone I hated it!
-[head thudding]
-[grunts]
-[cracks]
Ow! My leg!
I hate skiing!
I hate Mondays!
I hate my fucking life!
-[Rick] But I love lasagna!
-[rumbling]
-I love being pleasured!
-[classical music plays]
I'm having sex
for the third time in 12 hours!
I'm about to touch boobs!
I'm also about to touch boobs!
-[munching]
-And I'm about to put the mayo
in a LaCienega sandwich.
Yum, yum!
[rumbling, rattling]
-[both scream]
-[Val moans]
-[both scream]
-[Leah] Oh, shit!
[both] Whoa!
-No!
-[window shatters]
-[coughs] Bernie, are you there?
-[groans]
Should we still keep making out?
-I want to touch your boob.
-[grunting] Connie?
-Bonnie?
-[moaning]
Are you sixty-nining
each other under there?
-[grunts]
-[gasps] Judd, you saved my life.
-You die when I say you die.
-[grunts] Ooph!
[Nick moans in pain]
Well, Nicky,
you broke your leg and our trust.
It wasn't my fault!
What were you thinking?
-It wasn't my fault!
-Yeah, it was. I saw the whole thing.
He cursed us all
-and then cried like a little bitch.
-[groans]
I have to go.
My mom's freaking out about the avalanche,
and my dad's big balls
got caught in his zipper.
[stammers] Wait, will I see you tomorrow?
I'm sorry, Andrew,
we have to get Nicky back to Bridgeton.
-He needs surgery.
-No, no, no.
You take the boy. I stay here with Bernie.
I will make my way back to New York
by following the sun in reverse.
-Now go!
-[sighs] Goodbye, Andrew.
-Goodbye, Bernie Sanders.
-[kisses]
Maybe we could try again in four years.
I don't know. I'll be pretty old.
Well, I hope you're happy, Nick.
Your selfishness
ruined our family vacation.
Ugh! And you know Mom and Dad aren't gonna
let Val sleep in my room at home, fucker!
-[groans]
-I was going to touch boobs, young man.
Boobs. On a girl.
And she was gonna touch mine!
All of you stop talking!
I'm gonna get you for this,
Nick, if it's the last thing I do.
Well, it probably
won't be the last thing I do.
I'll probably smoke crack.
Why did you make me go down that mountain?
Oh, please. I didn't make you do shit.
I hate you, Walter!
[scoffs] Bitch! I hated you first!
-[groans loudly]
-[dramatic classical music plays]