Californication s05e09 Episode Script

No.
- But-- - Absolutely not, Charlie.
- Yeah, I get it-- - No means no, you know? I'm just asking you to put in a semi-decent word for me.
There'll be no putting of any kind.
And I am kindly asking you not to take this meeting.
But it's on the books.
- Well, then cancel that shit.
- That's absurd! Why? You have no problem canceling on me when you got to go get one of your fucking boils lanced.
That was twice.
And it's different.
I'm not worried about impressing you anymore.
Exactly.
That's what happens in a relationship.
You stop caring.
Next thing you know, the sex is sporadic, The blow jobs biannual, and assplay is out of the question.
Hey, when it comes to me and you Hank, assplay is never out of the question.
Oh, eat a dick, Charlie-- preferably Stu's, with mustard and ketchup on it, maybe some with Marcy, too.
This kid is blowing up! Eddie Nero wants to star in his movie.
In about five minutes, Tyler's going to be the hottest screenwriter in the business.
Someone has to represent him.
Why not me? Because you're my fucking agent, Charlie.
I could lose my job.
You already masturbated yourself out of a job.
And guess what.
You bounced back.
You landed on your webbed feet.
If you can make it through that shit, you can make it through anything.
This is fucking bullshit! No.
I will tell you what's fucking bullshit, Charlie, is why I have to explain to my agent and friend of way too many years why it's absurdly inappropriate to represent my daughter's boyfriend as a client.
No, I-I get what you're saying.
but why is it inappropriate exactly? Because it offends me on a deeply personal level.
Can you grasp that, Sammy Glick? I guess so.
Good.
Now give me a hug and a kiss.
It's my first day of work, and I'm running late.
Oh, shit.
That's right.
I forgot.
Wait.
You forgot? You're my agent.
You're the Samurai's agent.
You're Stu's agent, and yet you forgot that today is the first day of shooting of Santa Monica cop.
This is why people don't like you, Charlie.
Who doesn't like me? People.
People love me.
You're gonna need a bigger gun.
Nah, man.
That shit ain't working, man.
Cut.
It's not working.
It's not working.
Hank, it's not working.
Take that, watermelon! Oh, I-I'm sorry.
It turns out I am quite the fruit ninja.
It's fucking shitty.
The line's not working, Moody.
I told you it was stupid.
You can't just rip off one the classic movie lines of all time.
But it sounded badass at the time, huh? Yeah, because we were really high and watching Jaws.
I ain't feeling that shit no more, though.
Give him something else, Hank.
Sure, let me reach into my grab bag of classic movie lines.
Oh, nothing there.
Hold on.
Let me check up my ass.
What the fuck we paying him for? His snappy fucking dialogue.
Sorkin passed, but he's a fan.
Really? That's awesome.
It ain't just the fucking line, man.
It's the whole fucking scene, man.
That shit is weak.
I don't even know what I want anymore.
Well, you want the girl.
Who wouldn't want that girl? What's up, babe? I would just kill the motherfucker, wouldn't i? Well, he's your partner, Sam.
Yeah, but he fucked my girl.
But you like him.
And he makes you laugh.
Let me tell you something, man.
- Oh, whoa, whoa! - Whoever fucked my girl-- brother's going to be sucking on this.
You know, I think this is brilliant, Sam.
But the studio- they're not going to want you killing your best friend and partner.
They feel that that's the kind of thing that makes you really fucking unlikable.
I told you, Stu, right? Don't use that fucking word around me, man.
"Unlikable"? I hate that shit.
Boo-yah.
Using the word "unlikable" actually makes the user unlikable.
Bong-bong.
With all due respect, Hank, shut the fuck up.
You know what? Y'all motherfuckers figure this shit out.
Me and my boys are gonna go smoke some fucking weed, get my head straight, a'ight? - A'ight.
I'll be in the fucking room, man.
- So you know what to do? - Uh, no.
Just rewrite the fucking scene, move some shit around, write a better kill zinger.
And if I can't? Well, I could throw a rock and find another writer willing to replace you for half the money the studio's paying you, Hank.
I'll see what I can do.
What's wrong, Charlie? Nothing.
Not a thing.
I'm getting my dick sucked on a beautiful day by an even more beautiful girl- what could possibly be wrong? Well, there's something very wrong with your penis right now.
There are a great many things wrong with my penis, dear Lizzie.
No, you're just not responding the way you normally do.
I think I'm pretty hard.
Usually, you're forged of iron.
I guess I'm a little perturbed by this whole Hank and Tyler thing.
What is a sleazeball agent to do? Well, I told you what I think.
I know.
Some things are just business, Charlie, and should be handled as such.
- I know.
But I've never seen him so adamant about something.
He's my best friend.
Well, do you think you could service them both without conflict? - Absolutely I think.
Personally, I don't think it's fair to ask a thing like that.
It's very self-serving.
I agree.
Mm-hmm.
I think you're just going to have to go with your gut on this one, Charlie.
- Go with gut.
- Mm-hmm.
Got it.
Oh, um have you had a chance to talk to Stuart about Santa Monica cop-- if there's a part that I could read for? You know, something small, of course.
No, but I will.
You promise? I promise.
Hold on.
Fuck it.
Come on in.
How's it coming, Hank? Just one of those days, Stu.
Shit's not flowing.
- Copy that.
You've got to let the cash be your laxative, Hank.
Hey, that's a pretty good line, Stu.
I'm sorry I can't use it in your big, shitty movie.
Well, you got 15 minutes, Hank.
My big, shitty movie is losing the light.
Come in.
Can you do me a huge favor? - What's that? - Save my career.
I'm sorry.
You must have me confused.
I-I'm just the writer.
And I'm just the girl.
Well, at least you're the girl.
You're not just a girl.
I'm window dressing.
I'm here to smile, give teenage boys something to jerk off to, and get sexually harassed by the director.
He is kind of a smarmy little douche, isn't he? My character needs to grow some balls.
She's basically just a dial tone with tits.
I'll get right on that.
- I'll show them to you.
- Your tits? I don't want to see your tits.
- Really? Well, that's not completely true, but you don't have to show them to me.
I mean, I may be a schmuck with an underwood but I'm not a fucking sleaze merchant.
Look, I know my boobs got me this job, but I'm actually a serious actress.
I went to Juilliard.
I'm a fucking theater geek.
I love words.
Dialogue is like music to me.
Whatever you write, I will make it sing.
Help me, Hank.
You're my only hope.
All right, you're cool, you're smart, and you're appealing to my subversive nobility.
Plus, it doesn't hurt that I'm really fucking high right now.
Let's see if we can't sneak a smart, cool chick into this piece of shit.
Oh! That feels rad.
Keep doing that.
You know, I'm getting inspired.
I feel some ballsy banter coming on.
Oh.
If you keep pressing those savage yabbos into my back, I'm not going to get anything done.
Just saying.
Well, maybe one more time.
Then we'll get started.
Why'd you cancel on me, Charlie? Well, I--you know, I've thought about this a lot, Tyler, and I just don't feel it would be appropriate to represent you while I'm representing Hank.
And seeing as how I'm damned to represent Hank unto eternity-- Wait, wait, wait.
You don't think it's appropriate, or Hank doesn't think it's appropriate? Does it matter? Not to me.
I've got a bunch of meetings lined up.
But it was really cool to meet you, though, Charlie-- kind of a dream come true.
Why is that? Well, 'cause you're Hank Moody's agent.
Who wouldn't want to be represented by Hank Moody's agent? From where I'm sitting, that'd be the coolest fucking thing ever.
Who else are you meeting with? All the majors.
There's this guy at C.
A.
A.
He's got this little black book full of whores.
He offered to hook me up gratis.
Can you match that? I'd love to, Tyler, but they watch me like a hawk here.
I so much as look at a naked picture on the internet, and H.
R.
swoops in, and an alarm goes off.
It's fucking terrifying.
Totally.
Well, if this isn't going further, then I might as well take off.
What do you say you and me get the hell out of here, we go get a drink someplace? I could give you some advice about what to watch out for out there.
Sure, I could drink.
This is really good, Hank.
thank you.
I feel like I'm in this movie all of a sudden.
My pleasure.
I hope it helps.
Good luck with all the dress-up and the make-believe.
Seeing how good this is makes me think of all the other scenes we could dig into together.
Whoa, slow down there.
I'm here mainly to burnish the Samurai's banter.
Can I show you my tits? I told you, you don't have to necessarily.
I'm doing my first nude scene this week, and I'm a little insecure about the girls.
I'm sure the girls are fine doesn't even begin to cover it.
You are going to enchant an entire generation of teenage boys with those pound puppies.
That's, like, the perfect reaction--thank you.
And nab yourself a mr.
skin award in the bargain.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Thank you.
No, I mean thank you, Hank for everything.
You're very welcome.
Mmm.
Thank you.
You're very welcome.
Gosh, we have some excellent manners.
This is like some serious merchant ivory shit here.
I guess I'm just a firm believer in repaying favors.
Oh.
Hey, did you hear the one about the polish actress that came to Hollywood and blew the writer? Just kidding.
Keep going.
Okay, where are the fucking pages? Holy fucking shit! - Oh, my word.
Who the fuck do you think you are, Moody? Don't shoot me.
I'm only the piano player.
I cast her, you fucking prick.
I've had my eye on her this whole time! Her ass is mine! How's that working out for you? I want him fired.
You're going to have to run that past the Samurai.
I can't do that.
The guys scares the shit out of me.
Hey, how about defending me, Stu? I wasn't the one who got caught with his prick in a young lady's mouth.
Oh, well, excuse me for accepting a blow job in exchange for an honest 15 minutes' work.
That woman is a legitimate actress.
She can blow whoever she wants.
My movie is going to shit.
Are you crying? No, I'm just-- there is no crying in tent-pole filmmaking! You fucking Mary.
Go get some fucking pamprin.
Go on! Go on! Go on! Go on! Get your shit together, man! These pages are really good, Hank.
Totally deserved the b.
j.
I know, right? So do you have any idea what you want to do next? Oh, yeah, i've got a bunch of ideas.
I actually, um, pitched some over to the W.
B.
guys, and they pretty much shit their pants.
Yeah, that's a problem over there.
They said that they could put me in a room with studio heads, and I could sell my ideas immediately.
- Really? That's- -that's great, Tyler.
I think I'll be fine.
- Yeah, you- - you're going to do great.
It was really cool of Hank to give me a leg up like this.
You know, I'm actually kind of surprised he's so against you representing me.
It's a conflict.
You'd be going up on a lot of the same jobs.
No, I get it.
Man, it'd be cool if we could do something together, though, you know? That would be cool.
That would be a big deal.
- I got this one idea where-- - You know what? Let's do this! What? I want to do this.
I want to work with you.
You don't worry.
I will smooth it over with Hank.
- What, you want to sign me now? - Yes.
Yes, I do.
I'm going with my gut on this one.
I don't know.
What do you mean you don't know? What happened to the "working with Hank Moody's agent, that would be, like, the coolest thing"? Well, I don't know--I mean, I've got all these agents who are genuinely excited about being in business with me.
I wouldn't want to be, you know, twisting your arm or anything.
You're not twisting my arm, not at all.
Kid, I want to work with you.
Let's do this! Something feels weird.
You want me to set you up with a whore? I can do that-- done! No, I don't want you to set me up with a whore.
I have a girlfriend.
Becca? - Becca.
The daughter of your best friend and star client.
Right.
Great girl.
You're weird, dude.
Yes.
Yes, I am.
I'm also a fucking shark, and I will slay dragons for you.
well those are all very generically passionate words.
but I think I need to see some of this passion in action.
anything.
you name it, I will do it.
do you see that guy in there? sure.
how could I miss him? go up to him and tell him that you want to suck his dick What? and finger his asshole.
You're kidding me, right? y-you're kidding.
no? I've got that meeting at i.
c.
m.
I should probably get going.
What's up, sam? they're kind of waiting for you down on set.
did you not like the new pages or something? - pages is good.
- Oh, that's great.
good.
I aim to please.
that's awesome.
I don't like being embarrassed, man.
embarrassed? really? is this about--oh, is this about the girl and the blow job? I mean, that's just one of those crazy fucking things.
she literally fell into my lap.
you know, i-i couldn't say no.
could have thought about me and our friendship.
Well, as she released my dick from the crowded confines of my pantaloons, thoughts of you were nowhere near my mind, which I think is probably a good thing.
do you value our friendship, Moody? yes, i've grown quite fond of you, broheim.
same here, motherfucker.
that's why I'm really going to hate to do this to you.
come on, Sam.
this is a bit of a hip-hop cliche, isn't it? cliches are cliches for a reason, man-- because they fucking work! You don't want to do this, not over a silly blow job.
[indistinct chatter, [camera shutters clicking.]
[indistinct chatter, You know what? I don't.
but what choice do I have, man? you disrespect me in my fucking workplace? What are you talking about? do you even like this girl? I don't even know that bitch's name, man.
that ain't the point here.
the point is, I'm number one on that fucking call sheet! I can't have the whole cast and crew of a major motion picture whispering how my court jester screwed the baddest bitch on the set! - is that all I am to you- - a court jester? Yeah, what, nigga? you funny, man.
you amuse me.
you don't see the value in that? yo, jestering is a noble profession, Hank.
Whatever.
you going to drop me or what? - You learned your lesson, man? - yes! have you learned your fucking lesson? do not accept free blow jobs on the set from actresses if you're not number one on the call sheet--got it.
bring his ass fucking up, man.
excuse me.
What up? well I would very much like to suck your dick.
What? what did he say? i-i-I'm sorry.
I would like to suck your dick.
What the fuck? and finger your asshole.
let me get this straight.
you would like to suck my dick? and finger your asshole.
and finger my asshole? yes! Are you fucking with me? yes! yes! I'm sorry.
it was a dare.
no disrespect intended, none whatsoever.
it was a dare! I swear! it was a dare! be gentle? - You okay? - I suppose so.
the heart palpitations are subsiding.
I think I may need to wipe myself, though.
look, man, I'm really sorry, yo.
it ain't easy being the star of this fucking joint, man.
I'm under a lot of pressure.
a lot of people looking up to me for an example.
I don't give a fuck about that bitch, but I do care about my credibility as a major movie star.
I got to save face.
I'm sorry if I did anything to endanger your face.
you know, pete berg dropped off of this joint because of you and your fucking shenanigans.
what did I do? nothing.
took it like a man, because you my boy, Moody.
I like being your boy.
are we good? Yeah, we good, man.
but, yo, if that had been kali, your fucking ass would be a fucking stain on ocean avenue right now.
- of course.
that's another thing, man-- the kali of it all.
this bitch's got my heart ping-ponging back and forth, you know what I mean? - yeah.
how much turmoil can a brother take? copy that.
yeah.
yeah.
where you want it at? What? - I got to hit you, man.
- why? fucking consequences, yo.
whoa, whoa, what about dangling me over the balcony? that felt consequential to me.
That was just to scare you, son.
Yeah, well, it did scare me--it did.
normally, I would pistol-whip a motherfucker for this kind of shit.
No, no, no.
that sounds-- Yeah, that'd be too harsh, right? Yeah, that sounds too harsh.
stop fucking whining and take your medicine, Moody.
ooh! hey, you don't look too bad.
I thought you'd walk back in here all bruised up and shit.
the only violence was emotional.
What did they do? ahh.
oh, they took me out back put me down on my knees.
the big guy took down his pants.
he took out his dick.
it was very big, Tyler.
he could have tied it into a pretzel.
and? He slapped me in the face with it.
He slapped you in the face with his dick? shh! yes, multiple times.
I think he left a trail of dogwater.
wow.
jesus, um you know, I don't think I can be represented by a guy who would allow himself to be humiliated like that.
What? I'm going to take that meeting at i.
c.
m.
i'll let you know what I decide.
Oh, no, you don't! you're signing with me, and you're signing with me right now! I just went through hell and back for you, you little shit! you're going to sign with me, or I'm going to have my new friends slap you in the face with all their dicks, you hear me? yeah.
yeah, let's do it.
What's up, Stu? You have no idea what I went through for that two seconds of oral, lady.
- oh! ow.
- sorry.
it's better if it looks like you took advantage of me.
asshole! What the fuck? Hank I say this with the utmost respect and fondness for you as both an artist and a human being-- you're fired.
- What? - You're gone.
we're bringing in another writer for the on-set work.
sam know about this? He knows it's the best thing.
there's always the next one, buddy.
i'll be in touch.
What the fuck are you doing here? Charlie sent me to meet with Stu.
- Charlie did? - Yeah, I just signed with him.
You just signed with Charlie? yeah.
kind of a dream come true, actually-- to be repped by Hank Moody's agent.
pretty fucking cool for me.
anyway, it looks like it's already paying off.
this might be my first gig.
have fun.
This isn't going to be weird for us, is it? no more than usual.
- sorry, Hank.
- fuck you, Charlie.
- You want to go get a drink? - I have nothing to say to you.
- You can hit me if you want.
- I don't want to hit you.
I don't want to have anything to do with you, all right? come on, buddy, don't be that way.
I am not your buddy, and you're fucking fired as an agent and a friend.
on the house, pops.
really? right on.
it helps to have daughters in low places.
that's for changing my boyfriend's life.
I didn't really do anything.
He just texted me and said you helped him get a job.
huh.
well, I guess I did.
Thank you, dad.
I love you.
Oh, now you love me.
I always love you even when I'm thoroughly disgusted with you.
You really like this guy, huh? I do.
not to be melodramatic or anything, but he's the first real love of my life.
it is what it is.
Well, the good news is I think he feels exactly the same way about you.
how could he not? you are pretty stellar.
So what's the bad news? there is none.
just be careful.
young writers on the rise have been known to make certain mistakes.
such as? such as sticking their dicks in places where kind words and flattery come from.
- that's disgusting, dad.
- It is.
I'm sorry.
I apologize.
it's just you're getting older, and the advice-giving gets more and more confung fe.
oh, if it isn't my favorite friend of a friend of bill w.
- that's not funny.
- It's a little funny, mom.
You see? the little barista says it's funny.
it must be so.
she's pleased with me today, seeing as I changed her boyfriend's life and all.
I know.
that was incredibly sweet of you.
jeez.
if i'd known it was this easy to get back in your good graces, I would have blown Tyler a long time ago, and we could have lived happily ever after.
should we? - What - up to you.
Are you two lovelies up to? I'm off in a few minutes.
We were going to go to the movies.
Do you want to come? Ah, to tell you the truth, I'm not really enamored of the fucking moving pictures right now.
But of course.
By all means, let's let's go to the movies.