Cougar Town s05e09 Episode Script

Whoa! This commission check from one of the houses I sold last week is way bigger than I thought.
It's like free money.
Mm, one of the perks of working in the world's oldest profession.
You think that real estate is the world's oldest profession? - Because-- - Of course she does, 'cause it is.
Yes.
Um, tell me, Jules.
Is it tough working in the world's oldest profession? It can be a grind.
There's a whole lot of people out there looking to screw you.
I imagine you'd want to be flexible - Yeah.
- for your clients.
Anything to put a smile on their faces.
Would you say that you've satisfied hundreds of clients? Probably half the town.
I've been doing this so long that some of my clients are now sending their kids.
Jules, you are so much fun.
Thank you.
You know, when he gets old enough, send Stan my way.
I'll take care of him.
I don't want to play anymore.
What are we playing? _ Hey.
You might need a new bag, Bobby.
Maybe one that doesn't look like you've been smuggling lizards into the country.
What is that thing held together with? Chewing gum? Also twine, duct tape, and a few well-placed staples.
Do you want a bag loan? I just got hit with a check so big they're gonna change my name to Limousine.
I had a cousin named Limousine.
Not 'cause she was rich.
She used to pick guys up at the airport.
For sex.
Thanks for spelling it out.
Jules, do not get crazy with this commission check and do that thing where you try to double your money overnight.
I don't do that.
That wasn't you who drove to Biloxi with your last tax refund and a copy of "The Beginner's Guide To Blackjack"? Dr.
Dennis "Double-Down" Brown knows the tricks to beat the casino at their own game.
You also spent $2,000 trying to start that boy band.
Hey, if Travis' genie pants hadn't have fallen off, we would have crushed that mall audition.
Yeah, the Magic Carpet Boyz could never really recover after that, huh? No boy bands, no casinos.
You're gonna sit down with Andy and have a meeting, and he's gonna put you in a low-risk, conservative investment.
Pbht! Rub my lamp, girl, set me free What? That would have been a big hit.
Hey.
Trav.
Hanging with the friends.
How much is he paying you? Guys, this is Grayson.
He owns the place.
Grayson, my new work peeps.
Oh, the Coffee Bucks bros.
Looks like one of your bros wears a bra.
Don't single me out by gender.
Do you have any local craft brews? Something with pumpkin? Chocolate? Gross.
But if you're hungry, my tater skins are a win, my cheddar poppers are topper, my chicken fingies rule the school.
This place has an airport chili's vibe.
What's your wi-fi password? Wi-fi? This is a bar.
If you say so.
You guys pick something out, and the first round is on the hizzy.
Actually, I think we're gonna head out.
Oh.
That's cool.
You know, I'll catch you up on the flip side, girl.
What does he want me to do? Later, Grayson.
And this fixed-income mutual fund consistently yields upwards of-- get ready-- 4%.
Come on! Oh, Andy, isn't there any part of you under that stiff-collared shirt that wants to invest in something exciting? Okay, all right, all right.
There is this new high-tech mutual fund that claims a 6% return! What if I were to show you a little something that I've been working on? Yeah, this is something that will make a fortune.
Everyone has some crazy, million-dollar, change-the-world idea.
But in reality, what happens is that-- Oh, we're doing this! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! What's going on, guys? What? That bag is so nice, and it's just not you.
You look like a bear that stole a picnic basket.
Or, like, in a movie when they dress up a chimp in a bellhop's costume.
I can do better than that.
You look like a caveman who found something that fell out of a time machine.
That's good.
Oh, hey, babe, I'm gonna grab a beer with the work crew.
It's Orion's name day.
You want to hang? No, it's okay.
I got to get back to work anyway.
Plus, those guys are too cool for me.
I can't handle people with perfect vision that wear glasses.
- All right.
- Bye.
Beers with the bros, huh? I'll line 'em up.
They're not coming here.
We're going to this new speakeasy place.
It doesn't have a name, and you need a password to get in.
I'll bet the password is "lame"! If you get tired of drinking pumpkin beer in Coolsville, come on back here to a real bar.
Yeah, come on, Trav.
We can share a basket of fingies.
I'm not a big fingie guy.
I got it.
Bobby, you're "Lost his job but still hanging onto the bag" Ken doll.
Yeah.
Dang.
It's gonna be great! Hey.
Oh! Ah! I just remembered the best Bobby insult.
You look like Nick Nolte delivering a ransom payment.
How'd the meeting go? Did you find a smart, conservative investment? Better.
What'd you do? Boom! You bought a whatever-that-is? No, I bought 5,000 of whatever that is is.
The Guzzle Buddy! At first, I said, "Chug Buddy," and then you said, "Guzzle Chug," And then I mated those two into "Guzzle Buddy"! Oh, are you calling the news? No, I just told Bobby he was the dumbest person I know, so I have to call and apologize.
So, Andy's investment talk was all funds and percentages and mutual hedgehogs.
But then I hit him with this.
Is that a piece from a meth lab? The Guzzle Buddy takes your wine bottle and turns it into your wine glass.
This is my fault for pairing Miss "Get Rich Quick" with Mr.
"If Someone I Like Gets Excited, I Get Excited Too.
" You're like a golden retriever.
This is the real deal.
Do you think everyone was like "Ooh!" The first time Steve Jobs held up an iPhone? Yes, I do! Well, you'll see when we're the top-selling Christmas item.
- Of all time! - Yeah! We're gonna triple our money, like, times 1,000.
I'm sorry, did you say, "Our money"? I invested, too.
50/50 partners.
How could I pass it up? Let's see.
Stand up and walk out of the room.
Say "No.
" Call your not-stupid wife.
Cover your ears and say, "La, la, la, la.
" She won't be "La, la, la"ing when she's riding around on our yacht.
Guzzle Buddy.
So excited.
- To our yacht.
- Mm.
Ugh! Is the parking lot possum back? Why are you going all Uncle Frank on your bag? Who's Uncle Frank? He's my uncle from Tallahassee who had a thing for bludgeoning.
You know, there's a documentary about him on Netflix.
Hey, listen, I felt bad that we laughed at your bag, so I came by to apologize.
Oh, no.
You guys were right, man.
This thing's too new.
That's why I'm trying to beat it up a little.
Good idea.
Once it's weathered, it'll be a total Aunt Marge.
It's my aunt who got stuck in a tanning bed for 12 hours.
Her face is like the back seat of a Porsche.
I've been beating this thing up for, like, an hour, and I can't put a scratch on it.
Want to give it a shot? But keep the hammer.
I'm gonna go "girl fight" on this one.
- Yeah.
- Aah! Yeah! Yeah, take that, bitch! You think you can look at my man?! Oh! Oh! Ha! Told you.
This bag is going down.
Huh! Haaaa! This place is weird.
Why are we here? Well, I'm here because I own a bar and I want to check out the scene.
You're here because you saw me walking and followed me.
I was afraid if I asked to come, you'd say no.
Since when did the Pringles guy become a style icon? I thought it was "Mario Brothers" chic.
Grayson? What are you doing here? You know, just illin' and chillin', checkin' out the competish.
There's supposed to be a room in the back where drinks are half off and they project French new-wave cinema onto the wall.
Yeah? Well, if you find it, let me know so I can not go there! I mean, it's-- what's with this 1920s vibe? It's like, extra, extra! There's a party over at Gatsby's house! Do the Charleston, yeah I just had a hot-lather shave in the men's room.
This place is the bee's knees! Who's this guy? He's so tall and random.
I'm Tom.
Classic.
We should take him with us to Coachella.
Well, I can't hear anything over all this accordion music.
What do you say we take this party back to my bar?! Who's with me?! Tom? Uh, I'm gonna stick.
I dig the vibe.
People look like they work in the engine room of the Titanic.
So random.
Thanks for coming over for wine, everyone.
To the place we go every day and do exactly that? No problem.
Yeah, but, uh, what's with the empty glasses? Empty glasses? What the heck?! Andy, can you pour me a glass of wine? Coming right up, Jules.
Oh! Again?! What a mess! And what a waste of time! There's got to be a better way.
I already need another one! Another? I'm still busy cleaning up the mess from the last time! Has this ever happened to you? Not once in my entire life.
Is this some sort of performance piece? Pouring wine is such a chore.
The clean-up, the time wasting.
Ow! Wine wrist! And the injuries! But those days are over, thanks to Oh, my God.
They're doing an infomercial.
- Guzzle Buddy! - Guzzle Buddy! What's a Guzzle Buddy, and how does it work? Well, there's two easy steps.
You just plug it - And chug it! - and chug it! If this is being filmed, I have to tell my agent.
Mm.
So, the next time you're hosting a shower or wedding or simply hanging out with your friends, remember Pouring is boring! - Guzzle Buddy! - Guzzle Buddy! Are they pretending to be freeze-framed? We are married to these two.
This is really cool.
Ugh! It's been a long time since I hit someone with a shovel.
Not a scratch.
Damn it.
That's it.
- I'm going mobile with this thing.
- Do it! Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Whoo-whoo-whoo! Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo! Take that, you rat bag! No way! Come on, man! I drove this thing through the car wash! Wish I would have had a jump suit made out of this material in juvie.
Hey, Tom.
What do you think? Still the best torso in Gulfhaven.
Best in town? Thanks.
But I meant the new Gray's Pub.
Check it out.
New communal computer.
Password is "grays.
" And digital jukebox.
The second a hip song comes out, we got it.
Hey, I'm just gonna kill this sweet beat for a little while so we can hear each other.
So, I bet Trav and his buddies won't think my place is lame now.
Hmm.
What? Well, I was with Trav and Azriel and Orion.
We went scarf shopping and went to a food collective.
Anyway, it's not your bar they think is lame.
It's you.
Me? Lame? I'm Grayson! Captain Cool! I mean, best torso in town.
You said it yourself.
How could I be lame? I pieced it together when Trav said, um, "Sorry Grayson's so lame.
" Hey, Andy.
I'm so glad you came to meet me.
I've got some big ideas for the Guzzle Buddy.
Number one-- celebrity endorsement.
Laurie used to have phone sex with this guy Biv from Bel Biv Devoe.
Oh, wait.
Was it Bel? Ellie was not as wowed by our presentation as we'd hoped she be.
She just doesn't see the big picture yet.
She wants me to cash out and get my money back.
- That might be a problem.
- Why? We still have money left.
We did before we bought this! Still not thrilled? Just wait! _ Oh, Jules, you crazy genius! You did it again! No, Andy.
We did it.
Jules! I can't believe you sunk the rest of our money into a kiosk! Kiosk in the best part of town! The Guzzle Buddy will sell itself! We just need people to see it.
I mean, this spot's got curb appeal, foot traffic.
Two people will tell two more people.
It's gonna be huge! Ellie says I feed off of other people's excitement, so I don't know if that's what this is, but, holy crap, you got me! If anything, we don't have enough Guzzle Buddies! Funny.
I think I told my husband to cash out of this business, and yet, here he is standing in front of a kiosk, grinning like a 3-year-old that just discovered his wee-wee.
This spot has curb appeal! Foot traffic! Two people tell two more people! - We've got Biv! - Or Bel.
I need to leave before I burn that trinket shack down.
- Hey.
- Hey.
You kill the bag yet? I have it soaking in a salt-and-bleach bath, so, naturally it's fine! Wow.
That thing is a real Uncle Billy.
That's my uncle who's been shot 12 times, but he has no scars.
The bullets are still in him.
He's a pain at the airport.
Bobby, I don't get it.
It's just a bag.
What's the big deal? Look, it's not about the bag.
When I showed up with this thing, everyone laughed, and I know you guys didn't mean it, but it just sucks when a guy like me shows up with something nice, that it's a joke.
Okay.
Do you see the way I am dressed? Yeah, it's like a box of melted crayons.
It's awesome.
Well, used to not always be so awesome.
Believe it or not, people used to laugh at me.
But you know what I did? I owned it.
And now this is my look.
I turn heads wherever I go.
Yeah, I've seen you cause car wrecks.
Bobby, you deserve nice things.
And as soon as you believe that, people will see you, and they will think, "Wow.
Look at that millionaire walking down the street with his bag full of money.
" Yeah.
Mr.
Moneybag.
I like it.
Ooh.
Digital jukebox.
Hey, you think if I play the new Miley Cyrus, I can get back to this seat in time before anybody realizes it was me? I don't know.
I'd think you'd be more ashamed being seen talking to me, given that I'm so lame.
Whoa, wait.
What are you-- That tall, random bastard, Tom, told me everything! He's gonna ruin your trip to Coachella, by the way.
Crap.
Look, Grayson, I don't think you're lame.
It's just-- Okay, you're a little goofy.
You try too hard.
Sometimes it's like you're a second dad.
I'm sorry-- what? I can't believe I said it, either.
But, look, dude, you're married to my mom.
You're always busting my chops, going out of your way to act cool.
It's all kind of dad-ish.
Trav.
That is kind of awesome.
- It is? - Yeah.
I mean, you and me, we've always been, like, two guys that just sort of hang out and give each other a hard time, but now it's like we've crossed over into family.
So what do we do now? Hug? I'm good.
All right.
Wait a second.
The kid always says he doesn't want a hug, and the dad's always like, "Aw, what? You're too big to hug your old man? Now, get over here, you!" That's my boy! Gotten so big! The Guzzle Buddy lets you drink straight from the bottle.
But then no one else can have any.
I would have to drink the whole bottle.
I'm not understanding your problem.
I don't want that much.
Okay.
Um, let's back this up.
The Guzzle Buddy lets you drink straight from the bottle! No one wants this.
It's crazy.
You're crazy! Andy, tell this clown how many we've sold.
One.
But we've only been out here eight hours, so We've only sold one? Yeah, some old guy knocked one off the counter, so I made him buy it, but don't worry! We sell two, then those two people will tell two more people.
It'll be great.
Andy, you're such a supportive friend, which makes you a terrible business partner.
Ellie was right.
I did it again.
We're gonna have to shut this down.
You're right.
Go home.
Get some shut-eye.
Be out here for the morning work rush! No, honey.
You're such a naive Guzzle Buddy.
I wonder how much a helicopter costs.
We'll never know.
Damn.
He looks like a millionaire carrying a bag full of money.
time to remember why we're all alive 'cause party people need some time to play at the end of the day yeah Guess I pulled it off.
Yeah, you did.
night after night Oh, hey, guys.
What's up? Doing anything fun tonight? I don't know.
Maybe just head out, grab a beer.
If you need me to pick you up, you call me, no matter the time.
I'd rather pick you up from a party than the Emergency Room.
Okay.
That was random.
Take care, tiger.
Your dad is weird.
Tell me about it.
but you've never had a chance to look that far What the hell? You said you fell down the stairs.
You're guzzling Pinot? All right, I have a confession to make.
- I didn't fall down the stairs.
- Really? I'm sorry I sucked Andy into this.
It's just, I got so excited, and he's so sweet and supportive and passionate.
He's an idiot.
I mean, a devoted idiot, I'll give him that.
I sold the kiosk for half of what I paid.
Apparently, people think it's smarter to rent them.
I'm gonna pay Andy back.
It was never about that.
I just hated seeing you dive into another "Get rich quick" scheme.
I mean, you spent so many years barely getting by, married to a man who thought a $9,000-a-year salary was making bank.
You're not that person anymore.
You're successful.
You're a professional.
You own your own real-estate business.
And, yet, you bought a trinket shack across from that business.
When you say it like that, it sounds dumb.
When you say it any way, it sounds dumb.
You know another thing that's different - between me and the old Jules? - Hmm? Is I have an amazing best friend who looks after me.
That's true.
Care for a guzzle, buddy? You know, I have to admit, this thing is kind of clever.
Right?! Now I just have to find who feel the same way.
Shh.
Just guzzle your buddy.
Whoo! Magic Carpet Boyz! - Bobby, Trav's solo.
- ? rub my lamp, girl ? and set me free we'll ride on my carpet just you and me That's it! Just like we practiced.
Now rub the lamp.
Both sides.
The genie spin! Trav, your pants.
Your pants! Oh, boy.
Your genie's out! Oh! $2,000 I'll never get back.
Oh, honey.
The hat's way too big, baby.