Curb Your Enthusiasm s05e09 Episode Script

Larry! God, Larry, come on, what are you doing? We're late for the barbecue.
- Oh, okay.
- Mark and Marla are going to - I'm all ready.
- Okay, all right.
- What are you doing? - I'm getting a jacket.
- Oh, you're not going to need a jacket.
- No, I am It's at the beach No, it gets chilly at night at the beach, are you kidding? There'll be a fire.
Why are you wearing corduroys? I'll leave it in the car.
What's the big deal? I think you're just a little overdressed.
All you need are flip-flops and jeans.
You know the story of the three little pigs, the one who built his house with bricks? - Yes.
- That's me.
- Okay.
- I build my house with bricks.
I build my house with bricks.
- And by the way - I'm the third pig.
- When we get there - Think of me that way, the third pig.
I will think of you as the third pig.
When we get there, will you please apologize to Mark for the way you treated him at the seder? Accusing him of stealing your newspapers? I already apologized to him, I told you that.
I'm still not convinced he didn't take it.
What do you think about that? scared to go to bed 'cause the freaks at Dupont might get out of the cave.
I don't know how you can eat this thing, really.
- You want a bite? - Huh? Why don't you just burn everything you eat to a cinder? Why stop at the marshmallow? - Aw, come on - They're toasting.
- It's a light toasting.
- Doesn't matter.
It's the situation.
We're sitting around a campfire.
- That's why we're doing this.
- It's a fun I don't want to spoil your fun.
You're having a good time.
I'm just saying it's idiotic what you're doing.
Try this one.
Try one.
No, it doesn't taste good.
I don't want it.
Thank you for your opinion, Larry.
That's a perfect fire I built.
Whose idea was it to have s'mores tonight? He can't handle the truth.
- I'm cold.
I'm gonna get my jacket.
- What? - Love those s'mores.
- He should just try it.
Another perfect one.
Who's ready? Who drank all the beer? Somebody's been drinking all the beer.
- Hey.
- Hey.
My jacket's not in the car.
- What do you mean? - Ddidn't I put the jacket in the car? You said that you brought it with you.
I brought it with me, I put it in the back seat, right? And I looked in the front seat and the trunk.
- That's really strange.
- Huh? That's bizarre.
'Cause I know you brought it.
'Cause I made fun of you.
What, what are you looking at? That's my jacket.
Marla's wearing my jacket.
She took my jacket from the car? What is that? Maybe she was walking by and saw it in the back seat.
But you don't go into someone's car and take their coat.
- She just grabbed it, she was cold.
- It's not her coat though.
Okay, well, it's not a big deal.
Let's not make it a big deal.
Everyone? - Uh, we have an announcement.
- Yeah.
We want you guys to clear your calendars and hold the date of the 14th and come back here where we're going to be getting married.
Oh my God! Congratulations.
Oh my God, that is so great.
- Oh, thanks.
- Congratulations.
- It's going to be totally cool.
- Mazel tov.
- That's so exciting.
- Oh, thank you.
Congratulations! That's great great news.
I mean it just couldn't have been more perfect.
Yeah, good, good.
Brr.
Whew! - We're just happy.
- It's cold.
Where did you get that jacket? Oh, I got it from one of the cars.
Oh, okay.
Okay, no wonder - I was just so cold.
- Yeah, 'cause yeah, 'cause that's you got it from my car.
That's actually my jacket.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I was so cold.
Yeah, me too.
That's why I went to the car to get the jacket.
'Cause I'm I'm freezing and everything.
- Well, thank you.
- Eh.
'Cause earlier in fact, before we came, I was taking the coat and Cheryl was mocking me for wearing a coat, 'cause it's freezing, you know.
I'm not gonna take a coat what, am I nuts? I had the foresight to bring the coat.
You know what I mean? 'Cause I knew it's the beach, it gets chilly on the beach.
- You know - Bring a jacket.
- Bring a jacket.
- Right.
You know, so I brought the jacket and and I was smart, you know, to bring the jacket.
Larry, do you want the jacket back? Eh, oh okay.
Here you go.
- Are you sure? - It-it did its job, truly.
- You sure? - Yeah, you take it back.
All right, okay, okay.
Wow! Wowie.
Better? What the hell is this? What is that? Oh - it might have been - What is that? - I was eating a s'more - Is that a s'more? It might have been.
I was eating it, it's choc but it'll wash out, it's fleece.
Oh my God.
That's not gonna wash out.
- Look at that.
- Well, sure I'll take the jacket with me.
I can wash it.
It'll be fine.
- I'd be happy to buy you a new jacket.
- I see s'mores, I can't stand them.
I don't know how l-I don't know what people eat them for.
So somebody borrows your jacket, it's not a big deal.
You know what I mean? You move on.
You don't worry about.
You don't think about it.
How could I sit there freezing to death while she's wearing my jacket? It's not like there's something wrong with her and she's got an illness where she really needs the jacket.
You don't have an illness either She's a perfectly healthy woman wearing my jacket, I'm freezing.
Larry, they got engaged tonight, okay? This was not about you.
It was not about your stupid jacket.
They got engaged.
Yeah, that's true.
Why would you even say that? - 'Cause I was cold.
- Well, so was she.
Well then, she should have brought her own jacket.
I was the only one who anticipated that it was going to be cold.
And I should be rewarded for that foresight, not punished.
You know what? This is really it's a serious thing for them to get engaged.
I did not ask her directly for the jacket.
If I say don't say anything, do you know what that means? Yes yes, Mom, yeah.
- Mom says - I feel you don't know what it means.
If Mom says, "don't say" I didn't say anything.
You know how you said that you were the smart pig? - Yeah, the smart pig exactly, yeah.
- That made his house of But the thing about the smart pig that made his house of bricks, he protected the other little pigs that came over.
Okay? He watched over them and helped them, 'cause he was a generous pig.
Yeah the pig also didn't come home to find some other fucking pig living in his house while he was locked out.
If the jacket were big enough for two people - I know.
- I would've shared it like the pig did.
Pig? The pig"The Three Little Pigs," you don't know that story? What pig? I don't know what pig is.
You know, "The Three Little Pigs.
" One built the wolf was after the pigs.
One built his house with bricks.
I'm the pig with the bricks.
When did it happen? In the news? No, this is a fairy tale.
- Not real? - Yeah, it's not real.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
All right, so what what do I owe you? I owe you money.
- 300.
- 300.
Can you believe I bet the Clippers? What kind of moron am I? That is your fault, not mine.
I said don't, you did it.
- Have I ever won on the Clippers, huh? - Never, never, mmm-mm.
A jerk.
Okay, on Tuesday Mmm.
- I think, uh - Yes? - I think I like the Knicks.
- You and I connect.
- Yeah? - Huh? They're getting three and a half points.
- 150.
- Okay.
Okay I don't even have enough cash.
- Can I write you a check? - Make it out to cash.
All right, come on in for a second.
You can come in.
- That's something important - That's what I told him.
Hey-hey, look who's here.
- Boy, what are you feeding this animal? - What you mean? He's as fat as a house.
My god, look at the size of him.
What kind of thing is that to say? You'll hurt his feelings.
Like he knows what I'm talking about.
He knows! You don't call a dog fat.
You go around calling Jeff a fat fuck.
Jeff is a fat fuck.
Oscar is just big boned.
He's not fat, he's lean.
He's just right.
- Thank you.
- He's gorgeous.
What do you feed the dog? Food, you know, dog food.
Where do you live? Uh, around the neighborhood, nearby.
Oh, they live about two blocks up, big gray house with white columns.
- Whi-white columns? - Yeah, can't miss it.
It's right on the right side.
- Two blocks? - Yeah.
Um, I'll be right down.
This is Sung; Cheryl, Susie, Oscar.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Nice to meet you.
He's a beautiful dog.
Why-why did you tell her the dog's fat? Why? Because he is fat.
He's gained about 25 Ibs.
You don't tell her that.
You can think that, tell me even.
- What the hell are you feeding it? - She feeds it, I'm not.
I don't get the whole dog thing anyway.
- We had a dog Sheriff, remember? - I know Sheriff.
It's like having a bum living in your house.
When everybody hates me, my dog loves me.
Hey, stop the car for a second.
- That Heineman's car? - Yeah, that's Heineman's car.
But look he never fixed the dent.
Remember when I smashed into it? He didn't fix it.
- I gave him a check for $1500.
- Wow! He won't talk to me since his daughter jumped off the chair lift.
I'll be right back.
Oy, perfect.
- Hello.
- Larry.
I was driving by the restaurant and I couldn't help but notice you haven't fixed the dent on the car.
No, I didn't fix the dent.
Hmm.
May I ask why? Considering it's none of your business, I had better use for the money.
- Such as? - If you must know, I gave the money to my daughter who needs it for something far more important than fixing a car.
- What does she need it for? - It's none of your business.
- It's a little unethical - It has nothing to do not to fix the car.
- It has nothing to do with ethics.
You gave me my money.
I can do with that money what I please.
Are these pickles? They're mine! All right.
Man, take it easy.
- Good day, Mr.
David.
- Good day, Mr.
Heineman.
Pfft, boy, that went well.
He said he has no intention of getting the car fixed.
He gave the money to his daughter, said she needed it.
Well, that's a big bowl of wrong.
- You can't do that.
- You can't do that.
Hello? Hey, honey.
Hey, ask her how the Knicks did.
I got $150 on them When? You're kidding me? Well, where are you? All right, I'll be there in like 10 minutes.
Oscar went into the pantry, had three boxes of Oreos and now he's gonna die.
- What?! - He's at the vet.
He's gonna die.
I told you you're feeding that dog too much.
I don't feed him Oreos! All right, uh I'll be in the examining room.
Just wait out here.
I'll be back.
Excuse me? You wouldn't happen to know the score of the Knick game last night? Oh, the Knicks? Oh, that was a great game.
- Went into overtime.
- Really? Yeah, they lost by four.
Larry? - Oh, honey - No! - Oscar's gonna be okay.
- He's sedated.
He's gonna be fine.
We're going to take him home.
- I love that dog.
- Oh, Larry - So sweet.
- Uh-huh.
Oh, Larry.
Hey, you got something from Marla, - to "Larry David.
" - Marla? The one who ruined my jacket? That Marla? - Yeah.
- Really? Well, give it to me.
What are you opening it for? It's already open now.
She's my friend.
"Hi, Larry, sorry about the jacket, Marla.
" There's a check.
What?! A check! $150! Wow! - Boy, you don't see that very often.
- What's that? Well, somebody does something wrong and then they make up for it with something like this.
This is quite a gesture.
I had her pegged all wrong, I think.
I guess I should keep it, right? Sometimes you rip up these checks, it screws up the books.
- Yeah.
- It does, honestly.
I'll keep the check.
It can really screw up the books, these things.
- Well, l-I - Really nice.
I'm impressed that you even realize what a nice gesture that is.
I'm apologizing all the time, telling people I'm sorry.
I know when I've done something wrong.
I'm not afraid to apologize.
Most people, I have to say, and my mother always used to tell me this, "Most people aren't like you, Larry.
Most people are not like you.
You're special.
" You know? Everybody's not like me.
No, they're not, no.
When I do something wrong, I say, "I'm sorry.
" It's the big you know, you give it up.
You do something wrong, you say it.
That's what she did.
That's what that check is about.
I know, I know and l-I listen, this makes me feel so much better to know how you feel about Marla now.
So when we go to their wedding, it's not gonna be weird.
- It will be comfortable.
Yeah.
- It'll be comfortable.
And I have to say, I thought it was very touching how sensitive you were about Oscar today.
Oh, come on it's Oscar, man.
- Oh.
- I know, but I don't usually see you I don't know.
So kind of in touch with your emotions.
- Really? - And willing to I mean, you'd have to be inhuman not to feel something in a moment like that.
The poor dog is fighting for his life, you know, I love that dog.
I mean If anything ever happened to him, l-I don't know - I don't know what I'd do, but - Oh.
- I'm sure I'd figure something out.
- Larry.
L-I love that freaking dog.
- You know? - I know.
Huh.
Hey, whoa, Nelson.
What you got what you got up your sleeve here? I don't know.
What you got up your sleeve? Am I detecting a little daytime sex here? Is that what this is about? Daytime sex? I love daytime sex.
Then you can just go on with the rest of the day - as if nothing happen - Okay, okay.
Oscar! Oscar, where the fuck are you? Jeff, look in the garden shed.
He's got to be somewhere.
- Oscar! - I'm looking.
Have you see Oscar? Was he outside? - No.
- He's missing.
- Oscar's missing? - Yes, he's missing.
He was sedated.
We sedated him yesterday at the vet.
He was lying in the backyard and now he's gone.
He could barely walk two steps Jeff! - I don't know.
I've looked everywhere.
- Huh! - I have no idea.
- Maybe somebody kidnapped him.
No one's going to kidnap a sedated dog.
Well, where the fuck is he, Jeff? God.
Oscar! This is crazy.
- You know what? - What? - I have a Korean bookie.
- Yeah? When he was over at the house the other day Yeah? He saw oscar there.
He was kind of drooling over him a little bit.
So he likes my dog.
Well, you know it's not a myth, they do eat dogs.
- They eat dogs?! - Yeah.
Some Koreans eat dogs.
- Ugh! - Well, you know what? - What? - I gotta go over there now.
He's got a flower shop.
I gotta pay off my Knick loss.
I'll suss it out.
I'll feel it out.
I'm sure he didn't eat your dog I shouldn't have brought it up.
You shouldn't have brought it up.
That made me a little - no, no, don't forget it.
- All right, forgotten.
He didn't kidnap and eat your dog, okay? Don't don't worry about it.
Oh, no, Marla.
I got it taken care of.
The beach is a good idea.
Yeah, tell Mark I said hi.
Okay.
Bye.
Who has a wedding on the beach? Mark and Marla? - Yes, you know them? - I'm going to the wedding.
- You're gonna be there? - Yeah! - I see you there! - What are you doing? - Flower, dumb-dumb.
- You're doing the flowers? - The wedding need flowers.
- Huh, huh.
Will you say hi to me or are you gonna dis me? No, I don't dis people.
- Okay, okay.
- I owe you money.
- Yes.
- Okay.
- Here we go - Uh, okay, Unbelievable.
I'm I don't have the cash.
How come you never have cash, Larry? I'm sorry, Sung.
I'm sorry.
- No, I see you on the - Never happen again, I promise.
- But listen, know what I got? - What? I got a check from Marla made out to me for $150.
I'll sign it right over to you.
- Okay, last time.
- Last time, Sung.
I'm sorry, I promise.
- 'Cause I like you.
- Okay, okay, I'm sorry.
- Okay.
- I know where you live.
Oh, you know what? What? - You know who I'm liking? - I have a feeling.
No, not liking, not liking, Sung, loving.
- Who? Huh? - Loving.
Celtics! I knew it, 'cause I think the same thing as you! - How did you know that? - You're going to win! I think it.
You're gonna win.
- $300 on the Celtics.
- Winner.
- Let's pick 'em.
I love 'em.
- Yes.
- I love 'em.
- How does it feel? - I love the Celtics.
- It feels good, huh? - Yeah.
- Yes.
Ohh, mmm-hmmm.
What are you eating, Sung? Larry, this is fresh meat.
It's quite delectable.
What kind of meat? The best kind.
Only the best for Sung.
So I don't know if you're aware of this or not, but Oscar's missing.
Oh, that's too bad.
He's a good dog.
- Yeah, he's a good dog.
- Yes.
You wouldn't happen to know anything about it? Uh, no, Larry.
Are you sure? Yes.
Okay.
See you at the wedding.
So, uh, I saw that car you hit the other day in the parking lot.
- Heineman's car? - Yeah.
What the Heineman's here? I didn't see him, I just saw the car.
- What the hell is he doing here? - No idea.
What's with the hat? What? I'm married, - I can wear whatever I want.
- It does look ridiculous.
You look like you should be pulling a rickshaw.
- I could care less.
- But nonetheless Boy, I tell you something, this is one hell of a titty festival.
They're all over the place.
Big bosoms everywhere you look.
- You know what it is? - What? Mark obviously invited a lot of his clients.
Of course, of course! He gave them all boobs jobs, invited his clients.
Oh, hey, there's Sung, my bookie.
- Oh, what happened with Oscar? - Nothing.
Forget that.
Is that Heineman's daughter? Yeah.
No wonder why the car's there.
- Look - Jesus, look at the size of her.
- What has she done? - Holy shit.
Heineman told me that he took the money I gave him, the $1500 and gave it to his daughter and didn't tell me why.
He said she needed it for something.
I paid for those things.
You paid for those giant fake titties.
Come on, man.
What is that? What's up with that? Okay, we'll talk to you soon.
All right, bye-bye.
- Wow! - Hello.
Hello.
How are you? I'm fine, thank you.
You've undergone quite a transformation since the last time I saw you.
Yes, my father thought it would bring more joy to my social interactions.
- Really? Is that what he thought? - Yes.
Let me just say this, okay? "Less is more.
" I think you went a little too big on it.
It's just my opinion.
Well, thank you for your opinion.
But we thought they would be festive if they were appropriately sized.
They-they're festive, man.
That's a festival if I ever saw one.
I don't know what kind of guy you're going after with those things, but you're not gonna get somebody like me.
Oh well, oh God.
All right, whatever.
- Good luck with them.
- Thank you.
- I hope it works out.
- It's been working out.
- Really? - Yes, it has, absolutely.
- Hey.
- Hey, Larry.
- Is this your handiwork? - It sure is, yeah.
- One of my best patients.
- Really? - How are you? - Good, thank you.
They feel great.
My lumbar section of the back hurts a little.
You went a little big.
Were you drunk at the time you did this thing? He thinks they're too big.
This is completely natural, Larry.
- It's proportionate - It's natural at a freak show maybe.
- I think they're perfect.
- Not very subtle.
It's not about subtlety, Larry, it's about excellence and confidence.
- I paid for them, by the way.
- Excuse me? Yeah, I gave your father a check for the car, $1500.
He gave it to you for this.
- Not all of it.
- My check, my check paid for those.
- That's where my money's going.
- Maybe covered the left, - the bottom portion of the left half.
- Exactly.
Exactly.
Excuse me.
You wouldn't happen to know the score of the Celtic game last night, would you? Uh Celtics lost by three.
Man why can't I catch a break on this shit, oh! - What's the matter with him? - I don't know.
Larry? Larry, what's wrong? I just told him the Celtics lost.
Oh, I think I'II get my coat.
I'm getting a little chilly.
Mark, do you take this woman, Marla, to be your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold until death do you part? I do.
And do you, Marla, take this man, Mark, to be your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold in sickness and in health until death do you part? You have got to be kidding me.
- Honey, is there a problem? - What? Where's the new jacket, Larry? There I didn't buy a new jacket.
I sent you $150.
Did you receive it? - Yeah.
- Well, where is the new jacket? Well, I didn't buy a new jacket.
It's my money.
I can do whatever I want with it, no? No, that was my money I gave to you to replace the soiled jacket.
I told him to buy a jacket - First, you destroyed my jacket.
before he sees you again.
I don't need to buy a new jacket just 'cause you say.
Did you read the memo of the check I sent you, Larry? It said, "replace fleece jacket.
" Replace fleece jacket.
Unbelievable.
Have you ever tasted anything like this in your life? It's fantastic.
Hmm.
- This is unbelievable.
- I've never tasted anything like it.
- What is this dish? - What, you're talking about this? - Yeah.
- It's pulgoki.
The Korean florist brought it.
It's delicious.
Oh, boy! Oscar! Ah-ah! Hey, pulgoki's Oscar! You're eating a do-oooog! You're eating a dog! Drink of water here! We're eating Oscar! Holy shit, it's Oscar! Larry! Larry! - You all right? - Yeah.