Dad's Army (1968) s05e09 Episode Script

Who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk we're on the run? We are the boys who wIll stop your lIttle game We are the boys who wIll make you thInk agaIn 'Cause who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk old England's done? Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.
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2 1 But he comes home each evenIng and he's ready wIth hIs gun So who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk old England's done? Thank you very much, madam.
One, two, three, four.
Thank you.
-Morning, Mrs Binns.
-Morning.
-Everything all right? -Yes, thank you.
Good.
Good.
-Bye-bye.
-Goodbye.
''Bye-bye''? The correct way to address a customer is, ''Good morning, madam''.
Not ''bye-bye''.
What are all these clips doing here? Gather them all up.
Come on.
How many times do I have to tell you to put these rubber stamps in the rack? I was just going to do that.
This counter is a disgrace.
I've never seen anything like this.
Anybody from head office came down and saw it, they'd have a fit.
-Yes, sir.
-I run a tidy bank here, Pike.
-Don't you forget that.
-Yes, sir.
PIKE: Good morning, madam.
Good morning.
Good morning, madam.
Good morning, madam.
-Morning, Pikey.
-PIKE: Good morning, madam.
PIKE: Good morning, Mr Jones.
Here you are, Pikey.
I say, business as usual, eh? That's the ticket.
Take more than a few Jerry bombs to put Mr Mainwaring's bank out of action.
Yes.
But we're trying to tidy up as quick as possible.
Yes, that's the idea.
That's a soldier's most important order.
When on active service, be tidy.
I'll never forget when I was in the Sudan, we used to wear, sort of, little kit bags, just here, you know.
And some of the blokes, they had odds and ends dangling out.
General Kitchener, he couldn't abide that.
He could not stand things dangling out.
He got us on parade one day.
He said, ''Now listen, boys, ''I will not stand for things dangling, no.
''Remember, a tidy mind is a tidy behind.
''So don't be scruffy like the Fuzzy Wuzzies.
'' That was a bit unkind of him because them Fuzzy Wuzzies, they never had no kit bags.
Come to think of it, they didn't have any kit.
I'll tell you what they did have, though.
They had just a little bit of cloth or a rag dangling just like that down there, and then they had another little bit of cloth just dangling like that there.
They had very untidy behinds, them Fuzzy Wuzzies, you know.
-Morning, Wilsie.
-Morning, Jonesy.
Have you got a paper clip here, please, I could have, Frank? I've just tidied those up, Uncle Arthur.
All right.
I only want one.
-That was fast.
-Really.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR) Come in.
(LOUDER KNOCKING ON DOOR) I said come in.
I'm terribly sorry, sir, the door's stuck.
It won't open.
I'm sorry, sir, but it seems to have gone out of true.
Yes.
All it needs is a shoulder to it.
A bit of effort.
You know your trouble, don't you? You're getting flabby.
-Now, get out of the way.
-Right, sir, right.
Perfectly simple, you see.
All it needed was a bit of beef.
I see, sir.
Right, sir.
Thank you very much.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR) Come in.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR) I'm sorry, sir, it's still stuck.
-Come round the side.
-All right, sir.
Now, sir, I.
I think I've brought all the papers that you wanted to see.
-There they are.
-Oh, yes.
Thank you.
Yes, I.
-I want to have a good look at these.
-Awfully wet in here, isn't it? Yes.
This tarpaulin's full of water from last night's rain.
Oh, I see, yes.
Wait, don't poke it.
Don't poke it! You're going to make it worse.
Sorry, sir.
So sorry.
I beg your pardon.
Why can't you leave things alone, Wilson? How can I.
How can I work with water dripping all over the place like this? Leave it alone.
Leave it alone.
So sorry, sir.
I beg your pardon.
-And shut that window.
-Right, sir, right.
Yes, sir.
There we are, sir.
-Now, sir, is that better? -No, it isn't.
Well, I don't know how or why you should put up with all this, sir.
Why don't you go down to the stockroom? I mean, that hasn't been damaged at all.
-Go down to the stockroom? -Yes.
Why not, sir? -Wilson.
-Yes, sir? -You see that chair? -Yes, I do, sir.
-Well, that's my chair.
The manager's chair.
-Yes, sir.
-This is my desk, the manager's desk.
-Yes, sir.
-My office, the manager's office.
-Yes, sir.
I wasn't made manager overnight.
It was a long, hard struggle.
Right, sir.
Right.
Office boy, clerk, assistant chief clerk, chief clerk, assistant manager, and finally, manager.
It's taken me 25 years to get this office.
And there's no redneck, beer-swilling foreigner going to throw me out of it.
What do you think of that? Can I come under your umbrella for a moment? No, you can't.
There's only room for one.
-It's getting awfully damp here.
-That's your fault, isn't it? You shouldn't go about poking things.
-Now, let's get on with the work.
-Right, sir.
I'll tell you another thing about the Fuzzy Wuzzies, Pikey.
-Do you remember when.
-Look, I'm sorry, Mr Jones.
I'm sorry.
-I've got an awful lot of work to do.
-Yes.
And Mr Mainwaring is in an awful mood this morning.
-Have you got any more money to pay in? -I'll say I have.
?500.
Here.
?500? Yes.
You see, all us local shopkeepers, we've had a bit of a collection for the new Serviceman's Canteen here in Walmington, you see.
And yesterday, the chairman, Dick Billings, he come round with the final amount, ?500, to my shop.
Why did he give it to you? Well, I'm the treasurer.
I'm going to pay it into my account.
And in the morning, I shall write out a cheque, I shall go round to the Mayor, and I shall hand him the cheque personally.
Why did you wrap it up like this? Well, it's ?500.
That's a lot of money.
I don't want to get knocked on the head and robbed, do I? Now, I thought, if I wrapped it up like that, people might think that it's just half a pound of sausages.
It is half a pound of sausages.
(EXCLAIMING MOURNFULLY) Do try and hold that umbrella still, will you? I'm getting soaked here.
Yes.
Well, I'm not exactly dry myself, sir.
Mr Mainwaring! Come quick, Mr Mainwaring, come quick! What are you doing? How dare you burst into here like that! -It's an emergency, Mr Mainwaring.
-Don't.
Pike! And how dare you come through the wall like that? I've told you once and I'll tell you again.
I will not have my staff walking through that wall.
Now, get out and come in again properly.
-Go on.
-Yes, sir.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR) Come in.
Sorry, Mr Mainwaring, but.
(PIKE WHISTLING) What are you doing? -It's unlucky to open an umbrella indoors.
-Don't be stupid.
What do you want? What do I want? Oh, Mr Jones! Mr Jones, he's outside, lying on the floor.
He's fainted.
All right.
I'll deal with it.
Fainted? -Leave that to me.
I'll do that.
-All right, sir.
Right, right.
-Go round the side.
-Right, sir.
Oh, dear.
-All right, now, help me get him up.
-All right, Jonesy, you're all right.
You'll be all right.
Come on, up you get.
There you are.
-All right.
-JONES: Where am I? -All right, turn around.
-All right, that's it.
-Whatever happened? -Oh, dear.
I lostI lost.
Oh, I lost ?500.
I've lost ?500.
I know I've put it somewhere.
-I've put it somewhere.
-MAINWARING: What's he talking about? Well, he came in to pay in ?500, and it turned into half a pound of sausages.
It's awful, Mr Mainwaring.
It's awful.
All right, Jonesy, all right.
Just try and keep calm, and try and tell us exactly what happened.
Well, I had the ?500 for the canteen, and it wasn't.
-Wasn't what? -Yes? there.
It was half a pound of sausages.
Well, then, what did you do with it? Well, I had it in my shop yesterday, wrapped up in newspaper.
Yes, well, you must have picked up the wrong packet.
Yes, that's what it is.
You'll find it in your shop.
Now, you go back to your shop and look for it, and I'll see you on parade tonight.
All right? Right.
You're quite right, Mr Mainwaring.
Thank you very much.
You've always been my maternal support.
-I'll find it somewhere.
-Of course you will.
-I know I put it somewhere.
-Of course you did.
-I'll find it.
-WILSON: All right, Jonesy.
-What shall I do with these, Mr Mainwaring? -I'll take charge of those.
Money Is the root of all evIl Money Is the root.
Poor old Jonesy, he's in a terrible state.
I mean, he's been in my shop about 25 times.
All day long.
In, out, in, out.
Turned my warehouse upside down.
I can't understand why he thinks he left it in your place.
I told him.
I said, ''Look, Jonesy, you can't have left it here.
''You haven't been in for weeks.
'' Didn't take no notice.
He kept ferreting around and mumbling, (IMITATING JONES) ''I've left it somewhere.
'' -I can't make it out.
-I can.
The man's gone potty.
Well, I've seen this coming on for weeks.
Jones is senile, and the shock of losing this money, it's tilted his brain.
He's no longer capable of carrying on his duties as corporal.
Mind you.
Question is who's gonna take his place, eh? Well, I'm next in line! I'm going to see Captain Mainwaring now.
Now, really.
I do think you're being very heartless, Mr Frazer.
Come off it, Taffy.
That is a bit strong.
I'm just being practical.
There's a war to be fought.
You cannae stop just for mental casualties.
Hello, Pikey.
Has Jonesy got his money back yet? Not as far as I know.
He's been in and out of the bank all day.
He's been going backwards and forwards between his shop and the bank, looking in the road.
Nearly got run over twice.
Ah! Hello.
Walker, has Jonesy arrived yet? -No, not yet.
-Oh, Lord.
I do hope he's all right.
Oh, dear.
Well, anyway, would you all mind falling into three racks, please, just as quickly as you can.
Thank you so much.
In three, nice, neat lines.
WILSON: That'll be absolutely lovely.
Thank you so much.
Come along, Godfrey.
Platoon, turn.
Platoon, attention! Stand at ease.
That's very good.
Where is Jones? I have no idea, sir.
All right, we'll just have to carry on without him.
Stand easy.
Now, pay attention.
Private Sponge, I want you to take charge of number two section, will you? -Come along, Jones.
You're late.
-Yes, I'm sorry, sir.
Not under there.
Not there.
It wouldn't be in here.
I know it wouldn't be in there.
I know where it might be.
It might be up here.
I remember coming up here once.
Jones! Corporal! -Hurry up and fall in.
-It's not up here, sir.
It's not up here, but -MAINWARING: Fall in, quickly.
-I know I've put it somewhere, sir.
-MAINWARING: On the command ''fall out''.
-I've put it.
Corporal, will you please pay attention? I'm sorry, sir.
I'm not feeling myself today.
What's he talking about? He's been feeling himself ever since he came in.
-Shut up.
-All right, that'll do.
On the command ''fall out'', I want numbers two and three sections to go out on patrol, and number one section will stay here and gather round me.
All right? Fall out.
JONES: I'd like to apologise for my behaviour, sir.
I've had a terrible day, sir.
Ever since I lost that money, I'm all to pieces.
I'm not good for anything.
Precisely.
May I remind you, Captain Mainwaring, that I am next in line for his stripe.
All right, that'll do, Frazer.
Listen, sir, can't we do something to help Jonesy? Get some chairs, will you? And bring them round here.
Now, Jones, before we go any further, we've got to try and get you to remember -what you did with that money.
-Yes, sir.
Oh, thank you very much indeed, sir.
Thank you.
You've been.
You've been awfully good.
You bring a warm glow of comfort to my heart, sir.
All right, Jonesy.
You see, your problem is our problem.
Yes, we'll be like the Three Musketeers.
One for one, two together.
-United we fall, and we stand divided, upright.
-Sit down.
Sorry, sir.
I'm terribly sorry.
Mr Mainwaring.
Godfrey.
All right, now pay attention.
It's perfectly simple.
What we have to do, is to try and get Jones to remember where he put that money.
-Now, Jones.
-Permission to speak, sir.
If I could remember where I put it in the first place, I wouldn't have lost it in the second place.
And I wouldn't have been running about all day trying to remember where I put it in the first place or the second place.
My mind's a blank.
My mind is a blank.
Can we discuss the question of the stripe now, sir? Sit down and be quiet, Frazer.
Mr Mainwaring, I think I know how we can make him remember.
I saw them do it once in that film, you know, Man In the Shadows, with Walter Abel and Joan Blondell.
That's right.
We saw it together, didn't we? It was very good indeed.
Yes, that's right.
At the beginning of the film, Walter Abel was sitting on a bench in the park in the middle of the night.
Yes, that's right.
Yes.
And while he was sitting there, he was sitting there, muttering, ''I can't remember.
'' He was feeling all through his pockets, just like Mr Jones was when he came in.
-WILSON: Yes, yes.
-I remember I saw that film with my sister Dolly.
But she made me take her out before the end.
She thought it was rather near.
Anyway, while he was sitting there, Joan Blondell walked by.
What was she doing in a park in the middle of the night? Going for a walk.
I like Joan Blondell.
She's nice, isn't she? If she was in the park at that time of the night, she can't have been all that nice.
Don't you say anything against Joan Blondell, she's my favourite.
-Pike! -Sir? -Come to the point.
-Yes, sir.
Well -she sat down and talked to him.
-That's right, Frank.
Then she made him go through everything that had happened to him during the previous 24 hours in order that he, you know, she might be able to make him remember.
Remember what? I can't remember.
Before we started all this film rubbish, I was just about to suggest that.
Oh, were you really, sir? Really, were you? Fancy that.
Okay, Jones.
I want you to try and tell us, calmly and logically, everything that happened from the first moment you received that money.
Yes, sir.
I will try.
And don't let your brain go off at a tangent.
No, sir.
I won't let my brains get in a wangle.
No, sir.
All right, now start.
And keep calm.
Yes, sir.
Keep calm, sir.
Well, Mr Billings come round to my shop with the money just before I was going to close it and it was in ?5 notes.
-And what did you do with it? -I wrapped it up in newspaper and I took it home and when I went to bed I put it under my pillow.
-And what happened the next morning? -I woke up.
Then I got out of bed.
Which side did you get out of? -Left side.
-How do you know it wasn't the right side? Well, 'cause my bed's up against the wall.
Look here, Joe.
-I'm trying to keep calm, Mr Mainwaring.
-Yes, all right, Jones.
I'm trying to keep calm.
Anyway, then I had a little wash, and I got dressed, then I went downstairs.
-Then I came upstairs again.
-Why did you do that? Well, I wanted to get the money from underneath the pillow.
Look here, Mr Wilson, I'm trying to keep calm.
I am keeping calm, I'm trying to keep calm, -aren't I, Mr Mainwaring? -Yes, all right.
You're doing very well indeed, Jones.
Do be quiet, Wilson.
-Sorry, I'm only trying to help.
-Don't do that.
-All right.
-Don't do that sort of thing.
-All right, carry on.
-Then I went across.
Then I went across the road to my shop and I got the ?500 and I went in the shop and I wrapped the previous day's takings up in some paper.
And then I wrote out a bank slip for the day's takings.
And then I wrote out a further bank slip for the ?500.
And then I said to young Raymond, ''Young.
'' No, no, first of all, I put the two things carefully in this little carrier bag that I've got.
Then I noticed Raymond.
I said, ''Raymond, look after the shop.
''I'm going round to the bank.
'' I think it's beginning to work, Mr Mainwaring.
Yes, well, that's because you're thinking calmly and logically, you see.
Yes.
I'm very calm.
I'm very calm.
And then I went across the road to the bank and young Pikey was there and I said, ''Good morning, young Pikey,'' and I gave him the takings.
Yes, that's right, Mr Mainwaring.
-And what happened then? -Well, I remember now.
I remember now, and I'm keeping calm.
And I gave him the packet with the ?500, and it wasn't there.
No.
Changed into half a pound of sausages.
That's right.
I lost it! I've lost it! I've lost the ?500! Don't panic! Don't panic! I've lost the ?500! I know I'll find it! I want some money Get some, get some, get some soon I want some money I know I'll remember where I put it.
I know I'll remember where I put it, I know I will.
-I will.
-Here, Jonesy.
Don't do that, you silly old duffer.
-Sorry, Joe.
-I've only brought you a cup of char.
Thanks very much.
I'm sorry about that, Joe.
Here, Joe, you haven't got a cigarette, have you? Well, you've had two packets already.
I'm sorry, Joe.
I'm sorry about that.
I just.
I just can't help it.
-You look terrible.
-I feel terrible.
I'm ruined, Joe.
I'm ruined.
I'll give anything to remember where I put that money.
-Hey.
-Don't do that, Taffy.
-You'll give me a heart attack.
-Did he say ''anything''? -Yes, I'll try anything, Jock.
-Good.
Come closer.
When I was sailing the China Seas, I studied the art of hypnosis.
-Don't be daft, Taffy.
-It's true, man! I've hypnotised many men in my time.
and I have uncovered some dark and terrible secrets.
It cannae fail but I must have your cooperation.
Well, if it's going to help me remember where I put the money, you have my permission to sterilise me.
Good.
Nowclasp your hands together.
-Yes.
-Put them on top of your head, like that.
Now watch closely.
(SLOWLY) You are going to sleep.
You are going to sleep.
You are going to sleep.
You can hear nothing but my voice.
You can hear nothing but my voice.
What can you hear? (STRAINED) I can hear nothing but your voice.
(SINGING) # Little Sir Echo how do you do # Shut up, Joe.
I'm trying to be hypnotised.
What's the matter with you? Wake up, your Reverence.
Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! Who is it? Oh, it's you, Verger.
Oh, you are a beastly nuisance.
How dare you.
How dare you come in here like this and wake me up.
Your Reverence, you must come at once and exorcise.
Have you taken leave of your senses, Mr Yeatman? I'm not going to start running about at this time of night.
You don't understand, sir.
There's a horrible black mass in the church hall.
Horrible black mass of what? That Scotsman.
The Scotsman is carrying out pagan rites on church property.
Oh, the blasphemy.
You must come at once, and exorcise it.
If you're being silly, Mr Yeatman, I shall get very cross.
WIth her head tucked underneath her arm FRAZER: Are you asleep? Tell me everything that happened.
Wellwhen Mr Billings come round with the money, wrapped it up in newspaper, on the counter was a large chicken.
A chicken! I was taking the chicken to young Raymond and telling him to take it round to Mr Blewitt.
Blimey, it's working.
(FRAZER SHUSHING) Go on, go on, what happened then? Just as Raymond picked the chicken up, I said, ''Wait a minute.
You've forgotten the giblets.
'' So, I picked the giblets up and stuck them in the chicken.
But it wasn't the giblets I picked up, it was the ?500.
(YELPING) Wake up! I stuffed them in the chicken.
I stuffed them in the chicken! Mr Mainwaring! Mr Mainwaring! Mr Mainwaring! -What is it? What? What? -I stuffed the money in the chicken! ''Put the money in the chicken?'' What's he.
-Wake up, everybody.
Wake up, everybody.
-Wake up! -Wake up! -In the chicken.
-What on earth is going on here? -I stuffed it! I stuffed it! What? -The chicken! -You hear that, your Reverence? A chicken! They always use chickens for black rites.
Oh, we've arrived just in time to stop something very nasty from happening.
MoonlIght becomes you It goes wIth your haIr (DOORBELL RINGING) Excuse me, sir.
You can't just wake up somebody in the middle of the night, and ask to examine their chicken.
This is an emergency, Wilson.
I'm going to get to the bottom of this, once and for all.
-All right, sir.
-I want to thank you, Mr Mainwaring, for all you've done for me.
And I want you to remember that the next chicken I get in my shop, it's for you.
Can my mum have a chicken as well? My sister Dolly would like one too.
Wait a minute, wait a minute, I'm not made of chickens.
What's the matter with him? Why doesn't he answer the door? Mr Mainwaring, whatever happens, don't let him know why we want to look inside his chicken.
I don't want the townspeople to know I've lost the money, they might lose confidence in me.
-Who is it? -It's me, Captain Mainwaring.
Have the Germans landed? No, no, but I must speak to you urgently.
Will you open the door, please? (CHAIN RATTLING) I understand you had a chicken delivered here yesterday.
-Yes, that's right.
-Have you eaten it yet? No and you can't have it back, if that's what you want.
Actually, we want to examine it.
Have you got a search warrant? I don't need a search warrant.
In the name of the King, I demand to examine your chicken.
Well, what's the King got to do with it? It's the defence of the realm.
-Now can we come in, please? -No, you can't.
You're not coming into my house in your hobnail boots, you'll wake my wife up.
Oh, all right, I'll bring the chicken out.
Do you really think he'll let you look inside his chicken? Oh, yes.
Of course.
I'm a very shrewd judge in these matters.
-Ah.
-Well, there you are.
There's the chicken.
Now take a good look at it, and let me get back to bed.
-Very nice-looking chicken, isn't it? -Yes, it is indeed.
It is awfully nice, yes.
Lovely.
Actually, you see, it isn't the outside we want to examine, it's the inside.
-Well, why do you want to look inside for? -Ah, well.
-Don't tell him about the money.
-No, of course not.
We, ermwe are rather under the impression that the contents of that chicken would provide a canteen for 500 servicemen.
You must be barmy.
Why the only way you could do that is to make soup out of it.
No, no, no, you don't understand.
And even then it would be very watery soup.
And you'd only get an eggcup-full each.
Look, I must examine this chicken.
It's a matter of life and death.
-Right.
Hold it, Wilson.
-Right, sir, right.
But my wife's only just stuffed it.
Well, I think we shall have to unstuff it.
-It's all sown up you see, sir.
-Yes.
Cut it open with a bayonet.
Right, sir.
Walker, Pike, bring your torches along so he can see what he's doing.
I'm not very happy about this.
Don't you worry, Mr Blewitt.
Don't you worry.
You'll have it back exactly in the same way that we found it.
HODGES: Put those lights out! Put those bloody lights out.
-What's going on here? -Well you may well ask.
They knocked me up at half past two in the morning, want to take the stuffing out of my chicken, and say it's for the King.
-Have you gone out of your mind, Mainwaring? -Just clear off.
This is a military matter.
-Don't you tell me to clear off, mate.
-Go on now.
JONES: It's open, Mr Mainwaring.
Right, hold on.
Put your hands out, everybody.
Hey, you'll get bits all over that.
I don't want a lot of fluff to get mixed up with my stuffing.
Don't worry, it's best quality army-issue gloves.
Look, what's he doing with a great big chicken like that anyway? I don't get any chickens.
Look here, if you must know, that's Mr Blewitt's golden anniversary and I had it sent round to him special.
Have you found it, Mr Mainwaring? Give me that torch.
-I'm afraid, it's empty, Jones.
-What? Oh, no.
I'm ruined.
I'm ruined.
Well, don't you all look at me, it's not my fault! Come on.
Give it back.
Sorry for having disturbed you, Mr Blewitt.
My compliments to your wife.
Tell her she stuffed it beautifully.
-Mr Mainwaring.
-Yes.
Could I have my glove back, please? You stupid boy.
(DOORBELL RINGING) MoonlIght becomes you I'm thrIlled at the sIght We, erwe really are most dreadfully sorry, Jonesy.
Yes, believe me, Jones, if there was anyway in which I could help you, I wouldn't hesitate.
-You could lend him the money, Mr Mainwaring.
-Be quiet, Pike.
Well, I just have to do the honourable thing, that's all.
I've only got half an hour before I've to go round the town hall and present the cheque to the mayor.
So I just have to write out the ?500 of me own money.
That's my life savings, that is.
Still, death before dishonour.
There you are, Mr Jones.
I've been looking for you everywhere.
I know what you're going to say, Mr Billings, but don't you worry, I'm going to make it up out of my own money.
I don't know what you mean.
No, I'm talking about the half a pound of sausages you served me with the other night.
The wife went to fry them, and this is what she found.
Good Lord.
It's the money.
It's the money! Don't panic, we got the money! We got the money! Oh, lovely, we've got the money! Where's my sausages?