Daria s05e09 Episode Script

What ever happened to the big 'Revitalize Downtown Lawndale' plan? They spent all the money on flags.
Come on.
We have to get to the post office before it closes.
Ah, new wanted posters go up today? No use trying to keep good news secret in this town.
Coming? Actually, I really need an eraser.
A nice, big, cute one.
You guys go on ahead and I'll catch up with you at the pizza place.
Ladies! Gentlemen! And especially ladies! Ruttheimer the Prestidigitator begs your indulgence! May I show you something that will astound and amaze? Look, babe! Upchuck's doing magic! Like David Coppertone! A simple deck of cards.
And nothing up my sleeve, unless you don't count my rippling musculature.
Let's go, Kevvy, or Cashman's will be all out of that thingy your going to want to buy me.
Now I'll need some help from the audience.
Me! Me! Me! Hmm.
Yes, you'll do nicely.
Pick a card, any card.
Look at it and return it to the deck.
That was awesome! We're not done.
It was still cool.
Now, comely miss, if you will.
Reach into my shirt pocket, with your teeth, and remove the card that you find there! Um, okay.
Is this your card, sir? Um, I forgot.
It did have a guy on it.
Oh, right! Hey! You took my card man! Brr! It's like he read your mind.
Do you think he can read my mind? 'Cause that stuff I was thinking about Teddy Wazniac doesn't mean I'd actually do that stuff with Teddy Wazni eep! Wow.
This place is so old, even the crayons have expired.
It's really orbiting Planet Yesterday, huh? They don't make 'em like they used to.
I love this stuff! Photo corners, cloth typewriter ribbons, sealing wax.
Oh, look.
Carbon paper.
I'm Nathan.
Jane.
I really ought to give this a test scribble before I buy it.
Maybe I could write down, say, a phone number? How about mine? And he wares cuff links, and drives one of those big old cars with fins.
How great is that? Do you think it's a good idea to pick up a perfect stranger while under the influence of ink well fumes? Even if he has come here from prehistoric times.
Hey, if I didn't have the nerve to pick up guys, you wouldn't have a boyfriend.
Oh great.
I'm not going to have to date this guy now, am I? Hey! What'd I say? I don't know, I hate the present too, but not enough to ware a zoot suit.
He doesn't ware a zoot suit.
He's a snappy dresser in the classical-elegant sense.
Plus, he has impecable manners and a biting whit.
Oh, so he's And he loves girls!! Okay, he's got it all.
Not like some guys.
It's true.
If I really cared, I'd dress like a dead man too.
Thanks for the encourgement, you two.
Maybe sometime you can teach me how to pass judgement on someone I've never met.
She's going to be dissappointed.
Yeah.
That's not really the kind of thing you can teach.
I place a ball beneath a cup.
With dazzling skill I mix them up.
The ball withdraws like a bashful maid, who runs away when attention's paid.
Where, oh where, did my pretty one go? Risk ten bills if you think you know! Despite your distracting and poorly metered rhyme, my eagle eye tells me that the ball is most certainly underneath that cup! And I've got the ten spot to prove it! I hate to contradict you, Anthony, but - heh heh heh - it's under that one.
Would you like to bet, Mr.
O'Neill? Yeah! I'm not afraid to back up my sporting supposition with cold hard cash! Well, I suppose I should have the courage of my convictions.
Oh no! How could my razor sharp intellect betray me? In loss there is wisdom.
Go away! Um, yes.
Thanks for the assistance, Mr.
De-plant-ino.
I quite enjoy helping the cretinous hoards learn a valuable lesson about gullibility and trust.
Gimme my cut! The cash is sweet, but sweeter still, the chance to attract the most luscious of ladies with my mesmerizing stage presence.
Aha! It's working already! Beauteous maidens, may I show you something that will astound and amaze? Only if it's a disappearing act.
No, a feat of illusion.
Like, contouring your nose to make it look thin? Not me! Please, spare just a moment to behold my astonishing magic skills! Make it fast, Charles.
I don't want to get stuck in the midday cosmetics counter crush.
Observe! Genuine U.
S.
currency! Which I shall now tear into tiny pieces! That is most certainly illegal! But wait! Through the commanding force of my virile presence, the bill is magically restored! Truly astonishing.
But, how'd he do that? Oh, Stacy.
You are so naive.
He obviously used mirrors or something.
Besides, who cares if he can fix a ten.
It's not like it was a fifty.
Come on.
Let's make some real money disappear.
That was a good one, Sandi.
Hey, stranger.
Haven't seen you around much.
Been hanging out with Nathan.
I had a hunch.
Heard any good barber shop quartets lately? No, but we went to an antique car show Sunday, and we're starting fox-trot lessons tonight.
Sounds great.
Except for the car show and fox-trot part.
Dancing is fun, Daria, which is more than I can say for you these days.
Come on.
A month ago, you would have been laughing at this too.
You don't have to put Nathan and me down just because you and Tom are in a rut.
At least we weren't doing the fox-trot when we tripped and fell in it.
Ha.
Hey, come back! Do you know your seams are crooked? So, pizza? What? Do you think we're in a rut? Where'd that come from? Jane.
Just because her exciting social life involves co-piloting a time machine.
Nathan? Don't you think he sounds a little pretentious? Is that any way to talk about your future boyfriend? Hey! What'd I say? Come on.
Let's shake up our routine and go someplace crazy.
What if he does turn out to be a complete jerk.
Isn't that Jane's call? I feel a certain responsibility for the health and well being of her social life.
Um, me too.
But we've got to give this guy a chance.
I guess.
Hi, I'm Debbie, your server.
Would you care for a free Sour Cream Supreme Potato Skin with your order today? Gee, I bet you say that to all the customers.
If I don't, you get a free five dollar Phineas T.
Firefly gift certificate, good at any of our two hundred and forty locations across the country! Think we can catch the last rut out of here? You know, this place used to be a speakeasy.
Until some spoilsport repealed prohibition and ruined everything.
Actually, it was the developers who ruined everything, with their tract housing, mini-malls and chain restaurants that serve potato skins.
Youse know da pass word? Yahooty.
Okay, Jonnieboy.
Yer in.
Oh, no.
After youse.
Chivalry ain't dead.
Dames first.
The trouble with modern restaurants is that they don't serve enough lime aspic with marshmallow surprises.
Told you this club was eighteen carat.
Too bad the crowd tonight is kind of Frankie come lately.
They're so post-khakies ad.
I'm serious! That guy's tie is too wide, and his compenario is wearing suspenders and a belt! I can't believe they let them in! Gee, maybe I shouldn't have put on gloves and a necklace.
Relax! You're with Nathan, sweetheart.
You can't be more in than that! Want to cut a rug? Just call me Scissors Girl.
Jane, you're one swell chick And you're, uh, one swell swell? Would you mind if I kissed you? You're actually asking? Hey, I'm a class act.
Then sure.
My hair! It's a quick fix.
No! No! It's complicated! I got to get to a mirror! Palmade.
I got to get to a napkin.
Oh, how I wish I could quench your curiosity, my pet, but I cannot reveal my secrets.
It's the Magician's Code.
But I have to know how you did it! I can't get it out of my mind! I know the feeling! There are so many things that I can't get out of my mind! Like that dream about the mermaids and the fudge sauce, for example? Was that Stacy with Upchuck? No way.
It must be that girl who looks like Stacy, except when she turns around.
Or that girl who looks like that girl.
Hey, wait up.
You're lucky I have trouble walking in heels.
Listen, I'm sorry I gave you a hard time about Nathan.
Why do you always have to write people off before you even know them? I thought that's what you liked about me.
Well, I guess I can forgive you.
Besides, this retro thing is pretty silly.
I mean I'm wearing a snood.
I was pretending not to notice.
But, what the hell, it's just for fun.
Which is what I finally figured out.
So, can I walk you to your steno pool? Actually, Nathan is picking me up.
Need a ride home? Um Matching dress and tie.
Um, copasetic.
Hey, you speaketh the jive! I dabble.
That's a swinging look you've put together, Daria.
Catholic School Girl meets Kings Road London, circa eighty-three.
Darn, I was going for circa eighty-two.
Hey, Daria, do you and Tom want to hang out with us Friday? We're going to check out this movie theater outside town.
Um, sure.
That sounds fun.
Nathan, how the hell are you keeping that hat on? Custom made, my man.
It's all in the fit.
And yet they can't find a cure for cancer.
Nathan owns a pair of pants that belonged to Sammy Davis Junior.
I can't ware them, though.
They're a very strange shape.
Then what do you put on when you want to take a sunrise and sprinkle it with dew? Uh, how'd you get interested in all this? Well, I've always dug the beauty and elegance of post-war American design.
People had a sense of timeless style and civilized decorum back then.
Well, yeah.
But you also had the timeless style of Cold War conformity and the civilized decorum of segregation.
I'm not saying it was all steak and onions.
But there were standards.
Yeah, dress codes, loyalty oaths.
Oh, there it is! What movie are we seeing? No movie.
Wow.
Erie.
Let's get out and poke around.
It is kind of bizarre.
No, hairless cats are bizarre.
This is kind of cool.
Darn.
We're the first one's here.
I wanted to make an entrance.
First ones here?? Look, here comes Charlece and Asher! Oh god.
It's night of the vintage threads! Come on, Jane.
I'll introduce you to the gang.
There's a gang?? But first, hair check! Hey, that was pretty good.
And I'm sure they didn't spend a good portion of their teen years practicing it either.
Aren't you guys coming? You mean outside? You do see the people, right? Daria.
Okay, okay.
Just drop us off at home first.
Ah, leave 'em.
Some people can't make the scene unless they clear it first with the P.
C.
police.
For a minute, during the ride there, I thought you were going to go for his throat.
Believe me, I've been fighting back the urge to strangle him with Sammy Davis' pants.
But Jane thinks he's swingin'.
I wish the P.
C.
police were here.
I bet they'd give us a ride home.
I had a great time the other night.
Yeah, me too.
Sorry we woke you guys up when we got back in the car.
Hey, no problem.
We got in a good three hours first.
Come see a feat of legerdemain so dangerous that I've taken out an insurance policy on my body, and my bodily fluids.
This Saturday night, I will be handcuffed, straight jacketed, and interred within an airtight, steel reinforced, military grade trunk.
Then, it's escape, or asphyxiate.
Do we get to pick? All proceeds Most proceeds to benefit the special expenditures fund for embedding microchips in the gym equipment.
Upchuck, bound and gagged.
That does sound entertaining.
I'll take four tickets.
On behalf of pilfered basketballs everywhere, Ms.
Lane, I'd like to say that's very school spirited of you.
You ask Tom, I'll ask Nathan.
My treat.
If that's the work for it.
Behold! An approaching quartet of lovelies! It appears that my magic mojo is working overtime! Hi Stacy.
Um, hi.
Did you just say 'hello' to Upchuck? Or was that a hiccup? Must be all the diet soda I've been drinking.
Whoa, canary yellow! Hi, I'm Nathan.
Jane's escort for the evening.
You must be Trent.
It's great to finally meet you.
Yeah.
Same here.
You, um, dress like that every day? Sure.
Do you? What? Dress like that? I mean, the sixties are over.
The forties were over first.
Maybe, but great style is timeless.
That's exactly what I was going to say.
Thanks.
No, thank you.
It was so much easier when I had one outfit.
Yo.
Hey gorgeous.
Hey.
Wow.
You really do own a zoot suit.
Got to have something for special occasions.
Trouble travels by trike! Under-age road rage, next on Sick Sad World.
How could anyone watch that crap! The decline of modern civilization.
Right? Exactly.
Ready to go? The Tiki Tavern is going to be packed tonight! I bought tickets to see Upchuck the Irritating, remember? You know, first the freaky, then the tiki.
Oh, come on! Magic is so old and corny! And the gang's expecting us in time for the floating ukulele review.
I told Daria and Tom we'd be there.
You know, my gang? Sorry, it's just not my speed.
Um, you know you're mixing forties shoes with a fifties dress, right? Okaaaay.
I think Stacy has confused being fashionably late with outright tardiness.
She's been so weird lately.
She hardly didn't eat anything at lunch.
Did that make sense? I got it.
Welcome one and all! I'd like to thank Mr.
Ruttheimer for supporting a most worthy cause, and for giving me some pointers for adapting the intercom system for post hypnotic suggestions! I will tithe my earning to Lawndale High, tithe my earnings to Lawndale High.
And now, Rutthemimer the Prestidigitator and his lovely assistant, Stacy! Emergency meeting immediately following show! Her costume! It's so sparkly! Greetings, magic aficionados! Please, be gentile, my sweet.
I have a very delicate everything! I hope I'm doing this right.
No complaints on this end.
Rowrr! As soon as I am fully bondaged, I will enter this steel, reinforced trunk, which the lovely Stacy will close and lock.
From the outside! Oh no! What do I do next? Where do you think Jane and Nathan are? Maybe the roadster ran out of jive juice.
Do these meet with your approval? They're from the forties too.
I just don't think you're ready to mix era's yet.
Look in the mirror! You're the one wearing a forties zoot suit to a sixties tiki bar! Damn! What was I thinking? Now I have to go home and change! What's taking so long? I rented the auditorium out, and the single scientologists will be here in less than an hour! He was supposed to signal me! Something's wrong! Panic! Panic! I foresee a massive hike in insurance premiums! Why do I always wind up bailing out the naive and/or incompetent when their ill-conceived plans go awry! It's just like a man to be there one minute and gone the next! Hiya! Get over yourself! You're taking this all way to seriously! No, you're not taking it seriously enough! Nathan, it's a fad! It's just for fun, not something to go to war over! You're wrong! Retro will never die! It's not just about bowling shirts and cocktail shakers and dice shaped cuff-links! It's about pride and standards that set up apart from today's mindless, insipid mainstream! The trendies have come and gone! The true believers are left! Are you with us, or against us? Nathan, if you really liked me, it wouldn't matter if I was wearing fishnets or sweatpants! You own sweatpants?! Get out! Dilitant! Poser! Argh! I was pre-khakis commercial, and don't you forget it! Come on, you rigid, stubborn box of death! Yield, I say! Yield! No goodbye, not even a note, after I gave you the best years of my life! Stacy, it's just tragic how you so completely embarrassed yourself! Yeah.
And freaked out! And your mascara! It's not even waterproof! Oh, I can't look! Good thing Upchuck's buried alive in there so you won't have to spend the rest of your life seeking revenge for the way he's humiliated you in front of the whole school.
Oh, Sandi.
You are so naive.
Huh? Where is he?? Probably chatting up some floosey in a sleazy roadside tavern, complaining about how he and his wife haven't slept in the same bed since He's back there! Shazam! I've got to admit, I really thought he was in trouble.
Optimist.
Are those Sammy Davis's pants? Let's hear it for my lovely and very talented assistant Stacy, and her Oscar worthy acting job! Your crocodile tears bring out the tiger in me! Rowrr! Maybe Stacy can teach me to cry.
It would be useful at home, and in a variety of social situations.
Drive home safe! Tithe your earnings! Welcome, Single Scientologists! Did I miss anything? Nothing good.
Upchuck survived.
Where's Sir Swanky? Sorry, I mean We broke up.
No kidding.
At least now I can admit I didn't like him.
What if we get back together? Aw, crap! Relax, that's not going to happen.
You knew he was a jerk, didn't you? I didn't feel it was my place to state that incredibly obvious fact.
I mean 'impose my subjective opinion.
' I should have known when you didn't try to steal him from me.
Hey! What'd I say? Eh, maybe I did all that goofy stuff because I was a little too eager to be hanging out with a cool guy.
No.
You were right about fun being fun.
I'm gonna try and remember that on the off chance that, one day I actually allow myself to have some.
I guess Nathan's stylish good looks blinded me to the profound jerkyness underneath.
You always did have a weakness for the cute ones.
Eighty, ninety, a hundred.
Not bad, considering most of those clothes came from the attic.
How do you feel about the beauty and elegance of a post war American pizza? I guess I'm buying, since I've got the hundred bucks.
Ninety.
Remember, you have to give ten to Ms.
Li.
Oh, yeah.
Damn post hypnotic suggestion.
Written by Anne D.
Bernstein (Transcript created by Greystar)