Doctor Who - Documentary s05e09 Episode Script

1 Jamie suddenly put the name to the face.
And because it was the swinging '60s, he was almost like a pop idol, in a way.
There used to be a group called The Move.
Bev Bevan was the drummer of The Move.
And he looked very like me and I looked very like him.
And I used to sign his autographs and sometimes he'd sign mine.
I went to the Wembley Pop Ball, there was a Pop Ball every year.
And I had to go on stage and just introduce one of the pop groups.
Well, I got there with my girlfriend, I was just mobbed.
Clothes getting torn off, so these two big burly guards said, "Come on, Mr Hines, let me get you up the stairs.
" They pulled me up these stairs, fighting off these girls which People might think, "Oh, you lucky devil.
" It isn't.
It's When people are pulling your hair, shirt, clothes, it's not fun.
I mean, people might think, "Oh, you"but it's not fun at all.
They got me halfway up these They got me halfway up these stairs.
And my girlfriend was an actress called Pamela Franklin.
Small, very cherubic looking.
I said, "Can you get me that girl down there?" "Uh, no, no, I'll get you that one there.
" I said, "No, no.
I want that one.
" "No, that one's very I'll get that big blonde, that busty blonde.
" I said, "No, no.
That's my girlfriend.
" He said, "Yes, course it's your girlfriend.
"I'll get the blonde.
" I said And then Pam went, "Darling, I can't get up to you.
" He went, "She called you darling.
" I went, "Yes, that's my girlfriend, an actress, Pamela Franklin.
" He went, "All right, then.
" I think I was one of the first Somebody just My brother was in a pop group.
And he said, "You ought to make a record.
" So we approached Major Minor Records and Alex Harvey used to be a pop singer, who's who died.
He wrote a song for me, we recorded it, called Jamie's Awa' In A Time Machine.
Jamie's awa' in a time machine A time machine, a time machine We played it over and we thought Major Minor thought, "No, we don't like that.
"Let's try something else.
" Ian, my brother wrote Time Traveller.
So I recorded that.
# I'm a time traveller, honey, and I can't get away from your love I'm a time We thought "Mmm, that sounds a bit like the Rolling Stones.
" I'm a hunk for you, baby Can't get away from And then, I used to play football for the Showbiz 11.
And Barry Mason David Hamilton was down the left wing and Barry Mason down the right wing.
And he said, "Frazer, Leslie and I, "we've just written Delilah for Tom Jones, "The Last Waltz for Engelbert, "we'll write you a song.
"Who's Doctor Who, we'll write it.
" Then we recorded this.
I thought, "I'm going to be a millionaire pop singer, I'm going" I've written with Les Reed and Barry Mason.
And I was the only flop they ever had.
# He has a time machine # To hurry through the ages # To take a look at history He simply turns the pages The chorus is, um # They all say who is Doctor Who? Where is he from, what does he do? The B-side was better.
There's a thing called Punch & Judy Man.
And all the DJs said, "Fraz, if the B-side had been the A-side, "we would have played it more.
" But they didn't like the A-side.
I think cliff The cliff-hangers are very important and in particular, with Patrick, again, I always felt at the end of an episode, if he was, if the water was coming up here and he was tied to a stake, you actually thought, "Crikey, this is, this is "Who's going to be in next week 'cause he's drowning now.
" In every episode, you liked to have something in it that we'd watch next week.
Um, having said that, though, everybody wants to watch Doctor Who, so you didn't need every episode somebody's hanging by their fingernails.
That wasn't a very good answer but - Do you want another go? - No.
No, no.
Yes.
Had enough of that one.
When you did the read-through, you did a read-through at the beginning of the week.
Everybody was there, the producer, the writers, everything.
And the girl with the stopwatch.
Now, if you read it normal speed, she'd actually say, "Actually, we're four minutes under.
" And they'd write some more scenes in.
So, Patrick and I said to everybody, "Read it slowly.
"Keep all the pauses in it and read it very slowly.
" And at the end of the read, she said, "Oh, gosh," you know, "actually, we're two minutes over.
" So they'd actually cut something.
Because we knew that in the studio, you'd have those pauses and you'd rush through another bit of action, then you'd pause, you don't actually count the pauses on the page, you just sort of read through them.
So it was a ploy in one way but we never once actually went over or under.
It was always the right timing.
The only person that ever had a stunt double was Patrick.
For some reason, I think Patrick was quite ill, so we had a guy in his clothes and he had a Beatle wig, running away down the sand, 'cause Patrick was poorly for one day.
So we had this guy who came in.
I never had a stunt double, I did all my own stunts.
Helicopters, ladders and stuff like that.
We had one scene where this helicopter came zooming over and they said, "Right, Jamie, you climb up the ladder, "then Sally climbs up and the Doctor.
" And I thought, "Hang on, helicopter, downdraught, kilt up here.
"I don't think I think Jamie would let the girl go first.
" "Ooh, very good point,"he says.
"He's a gentleman, right.
" So they couldn't rehearse Cue the helicopter (MIMICS WHIRRING) He got on the ladder, she got on the ladder, her skirt went up to here, climb up the ladder, cut.
Lunchtime.
Phew.
Frazer, you're next, after lunch.
You're going to see what Jamie wears under his kilt now.
I've always had in my contract, you mustn't see what he wore under his kilt.
Because, really, being a Highlander, there should be nothing, but it was a children's programme.
So my dresser was fishing at a riverbank and I'd read that day that the Queen has lead weights sewn into the hem of her skirt, so if she steps off a windy aircraft, nobody sees the royal thigh.
So I said, "You've got weights for fishing.
"Can you get those weights for the hem of my kilt?" He said, "Oh?" and I told him why.
He said, "Oh, good idea.
" So he put all these weights in and I put my kilt back on after that.
"Okay, Frazer, cue the helicopter, right.
" And I sort of clanked onto this sort of airport.
The helicopter ladder, the rope ladder came down, I climbed on and my kilt hung down like a safety curtain in a theatre.
I got halfway up, then suddenly realised actually, it's probably nearer to get into the helicopter than it is to, you know, go down, so I just kept climbing and after a while you look down and everyone's a tiny speck, and you think, "Thank God I didn't slip.
" The first helicopter ride we had was Deborah Watling and myself and it was a little Bell helicopter, three-seater.
And we dashed for it, and again, we couldn't rehearse, and I said to the pilot, "You know, I've never been in a helicopter in my life.
" 'Cause they just wanted to go five feet off the ground and stop.
I said, "Will you take me, take us up?" He said, "All right, I'll do that.
" And we ran, and I made sure that I jumped in the middle, elbowed Debbie out of the way, so she sat on the outside, and there were no doors on this helicopter and Zoom! Zoom! And there's the boom.
And Debbie was just like (MIMICS RETCHING) And I was She said, "You swine, you sat in the middle, "you were supposed to sit on the outside!" I said, "I'm not sitting on the outside!" 'Cause he was just throwing his helicopter around.
He was called Mad Mike 'cause he used to eat brandy glasses at the hotel at night.
He would just He ate glasses.
I have a theory, because people said, you know, "Why did you leave Doctor Who?" I had an agent at the time, Hazel Malone, God bless her, no longer with us.
She said, "Now, darling, you've done three years' television, "I'm getting you into film 'cause you've done three years' television.
"You must do films now.
" And I said, "But I'm enjoying it! I'm having great fun!" I said, "I've got a lovely car.
" "Never mind, never mind.
" "I've got holidays" "Never mind, films.
" And Patrick had a lady at the time who kept mithering him, saying, "Look, you should be not doing children's television.
"You should be doing serious stuff.
"Why are you going to the studio at 5:15 in the afternoon?" And to this day, if Patrick hadn't had this in his ear and I hadn't had this from my agent, we would never have left the show.
We would've still been there.
They'd have had to shoot us.
John Pertwee and Tom Baker, they would never have got a look in.
I'm doing Emmerdale and I get a phone call from JNT, 'cause I'd met him at a function and he said, "Do you fancy doing 'The Five Doctors?"' I said, "Yeah.
" He said, "There'll be you and Patrick and" He sent me the rough outline and I was supposed to be with Patrick the whole time.
But Emmerdale, I'd just finished pantomime and I said to Emmerdale, "Oh, I need another 12 weeks off now.
" They went, "Oh, no, no, no, no, hell with that.
"No, no, you're our actor.
You're coming back to us.
" I said, "Just do some" "No, no, no, no.
" So I rang JNTand said, "They won't let me.
"They won't release me for another 12 weeks.
" He said, "Well, Frazer, if you get any time "If you get a day off, ring me.
I want you in it somewhere.
" So I got this, my Emmerdale schedule, "Oh, next Wednesday, Thursday off," so I rang JNT.
"I've got the next Wednesday, Thur" He said, "Frazer, Acton Hilton, come down there.
"We'll give you the script.
Two lines but I want you in it.
" So I got there, I got to the rehearsal room and there was Patrick and there was Wendy.
We just looked at each other.
We jumped into each other's arms, we fell on the floor, we rolled over, giggling, laughing.
All the other Doctors looked around, thinking, "We never had that fun with our assistants.
What are they doing? "You never touched me like that, you never grabbed me like that.
" And we just laughed and giggled.
I did the two lines, like, "Doctor, ooh, aah," on a Thursday and JNT, as I was in my dressing room getting derigged, he said, "Frazer, look.
" He said, "You seem to be enjoying yourself.
" He said, "It looked like I've just put you and Patrick "in a prop case for 16 years "and opened it up, dusted you off and wound you up, put you back.
"Would you do some more?" I said, "When, when, when?" He said I said, "Actually, I'm leaving Emmerdale, "I think, at the end of six months' time or whatever.
" He said, "Right, right.
" "The next time, you're in.
" And I still think if I could have said to JNT, "Well, I can't be bothered to go down for one day's, do two lines, you know.
" Jamie was three years assistant.
I'd never have done "The Two Doctors".
And to do "The Two Doctors", again, it was To go back I mean, a lot of actors say, "Oh, you must never go back, "you know, never go back to a part.
" I just couldn't wait to get back.
It was And had I not been going back into Emmerdale, if JNT had said, "Frazer, it's been such fun.
"Do you fancy joining the Tardis crew?" All right.
It might not be Patrick, you know, it'll be Colin Baker, because unless we bring Patrick back and have the two Doctors going through this huge Which I think would have been a great storyline Maybe the budget couldn't afford two Doctors.
I would have said, "Yeah, I'll ring Emmerdale tomorrow "and I'll say, 'No, not coming back.
Can't get me, ha-ha.
"'Can't get me, I'm staying with Doctor Who.
"' I would have stayed with Doctor Who 'cause it was Even with Colin Baker, you know, we got this rapport going and we started to tease Patrick.
Patrick, when he was in "The Two Doctors", he was drugged in this wheelchair at rehearsals.
Colin and I would tip-toe behind him and go, "Whee!" and pull the chair back.
And we did it every day until Patrick stood up, looked at me, he said, "You're in my gang! We should be ganging up against him!" People thought "Well, that's it, Frazer, "you're typecast now, you've had it.
"You won't work again" kind of thing and I said, "Well, no.
" Because, you know, I put a Scottish accent on.
I always kept the kilt for one particular reason, that if I started After about a year, they said, "Do you want to keep the kilt?" And I said, "Yeah.
" 'Cause the minute I start wearing a pair of jeans, then I'll start wearing my own jeans, then I'll start wearing my own cowboy boots and suddenly it's just Frazer with a Scottish accent.
You keep the kilt and sword-belt and the dirk down your sock or whatever, you've kept that character.
And you hang that wardrobe up and you become Frazer again.
And, you know, I used to meet casting people and they'd say, "Yeah, but you're Scottish, aren't you? "Why aren't you wearing a kilt?" kind of thing.
And I would speak with my normal accent and they're like, "Oh, no, you're English.
" So it was I was able to, you know An old actor told me years ago, "If you're ever going to do a long-running thing, "give the character a costume or an accent or both.
" Because when you take that costume and hang it up, that's the character, you've hung the character up.
I think the secret was it was quintessential English.
The characters, the Doctors were believable.
Particularly Patrick, if he put his hand in his pocket and brought out a rope ladder, you can believe "Yes, he's he's got a rope.
"Toffee apple? Where has that come from? "Ah, rope ladder, yes, that's what we need, Jamie, get a guy" We had a scene once where Patrick had this long speech and he got halfway through this speech and he'd dry on this line and we'd drop and we'd laugh.
Halfway, we'd laugh again.
And it's awful, it's so sadistic that if an actor can't remember a line, we'd start to giggle.
And then, "Yeah, just, I've got this "Oh, you two are just looking at me, laughing and I've got all this speech.
" And I said, "Patrick, "you're paid a fortune as the Doctor to do all that speaking.
"I'm paid to get the girls from going out to the disco or a nightclub.
"And Padders is paid to get the dads in from the garden.
"You're paid to say all these lines.
" (HUMMING DOCTOR WHO THEME) Can't do the high bits, leave that to the girls.