Friends s05e09 Episode Script

What am I sitting on? Top of the world? Dock of the bay? I'm out.
Oh, undies! Whose are they? -Whose are they? -Not mine.
Joey's! Got to be Joey's.
They're mine.
See, Joey's.
They're Joe-Joe-Joey's.
Why are they here? I don't know.
I'm Joey.
I'm disgusting.
I take my underwear off in other people's homes.
Get them out of here.
What's wrong with you? -Take them! -I got them.
You can touch them.
They're yours.
Chandler? A word? I'm tired of covering for you two.
This has got to stop.
Tighty-whiteys? What are you, 8? Thank you, Joey, so much.
You're not welcome, okay? Look, I hate this.
You guys keep embarrassing me.
Yesterday, Rachel found your razor in our bathroom.
I said it was mine, and that I was playing a woman in a play.
Then one thing led to another, and.
And around the ankles, that is a tough spot.
It was.
All right, listen All this lying has been hard on us too.
Yeah, I bet all the sex makes it easier.
Yeah, actually.
Meanwhile, I get Rachel shoving your underwear in my face and asking when she can come see me star in Ugly Woman.
We'll be more careful.
We don't want them to know because it's going really well.
And maybe it's going well because it's a secret.
It sounds weird, but we're so bad at relationships.
-We are.
Help us! -Help! All right.
But you do it with me once.
-Joey! -Didn't think so.
The One With Ross' Sandwich -Can we please just drop this? -But I don't get it.
Does anybody else just take off their underwear when they're hot? What are you reading? Wuthering Heights.
I have to finish it by tomorrow for my literature class.
You're taking a class? That's so cool.
I really liked that Lamaze class I took.
I thought this time I'd go for something more intellectual with a less painful final exam.
That sounds like fun.
Oh, you should come with me! Then I'll have someone to sit with.
Do you have time to read it? I read it in school.
This is going to be so much fun! I have to finish.
But what time does the class start? What's wrong, buddy? Someone at work ate my sandwich.
What did the police say? My Thanksgiving leftover sandwich.
I can't believe someone ate it.
It's just a sandwich.
Just a sandwich? I am 30 years old, okay? I'll be divorced twice and I got evicted.
That sandwich was the only good thing in my life! Someone ate the only good thing going on in my life! That's a nice sweater vest.
I have enough for one more sandwich.
I was going to eat it myself, but.
Mon, that would be incredible.
Thank you so much.
I still can't believe someone ate it! Look, I left a note and everything.
"Knock-knock.
" "Who's there?" "Ross Geller's lunch.
" "Ross Geller's lunch, who?" "Ross Geller's lunch.
Please don't take me.
Okay?" I'm surprised you didn't wear it home.
Want to keep your food? Scare people off.
I learned that on the street.
Really? What would you say, Phoebe? Stuff like: "Keep your mitts off my grub.
" Do you picture Phoebe on the street with the entire cast of Annie? This'll keep them away from your stuff.
Phoebe, you are a badass! Someday I'll tell you how I stabbed the cop.
He stabbed me first! The Bronte sisters were remarkable women for their time.
They lived in a patriarchal society.
Sorry I'm late, but I left late.
So, what is the book about? Didn't you read it in high school? I started it, but then there was this pep rally.
And I was on top of the pyramid.
But anyway what's the book about? It's a tragic love story between Cathy and Heathcliff.
It takes place on these creepy moors in England.
Which I think represent the wildness of Heathcliff's character.
I totally get symbolism.
How would you characterize the theme of this book? Let's see.
Rachel Greene? I would have to say that it's a tragic love story.
That's sort of a given but, yes.
Anyone else? Symbolism! And the wildness of the moors which I think, is mirrored in the wildness of Heathcliff's character.
Excellent! What Rachel has shrewdly observed here.
You completely stole my answer! Honey, that was pretty obvious.
How would you know? You didn't read it! What do you think? You in the blue shirt? I think that yours is a question with many possible answers.
Would you care to venture one? Would you care to venture one? Are you just repeating me? Are you just repeating me? All right.
Let's move on.
Okay, then.
Why didn't you say you hadn't read the book? I didn't want him to think I was stupid.
That was really embarrassing, what happened to you.
Your note? Amazing! Not only did no one touch my sandwich but people at work are actually afraid of me.
A guy called me "Mental.
" "Mental Geller.
" I've always wanted a cool nickname like that.
The best you got in high school was "Wet Pants Geller.
" It was the water fountain, okay?! Anyway people are writing reports for me pushing back deadlines to fit my schedule.
I tell you, you get tough with people and you can get anything you want.
Hey, Tribbiani! Give me that coffee! Now! This was really fun.
I've been wondering if you'd ask me out.
So you still wondering? No.
We just went out.
You're smart.
I like that.
Oh, candles! What is that, a blanket? A video camera? Oh, my God! I can't believe you thought you'd tape us having sex on the first date! Joey, is what she just said.
Oh, my God! You're actually going What is going on here? And with Chandler in the next room.
What are you, sick? I'm Joey.
I mean, I'm disgusting.
I make low-budget adult films.
You promised to be more careful! The good Joey name's been dragged through the mud! We're so sorry.
I'm telling everyone.
It's the only explanation that doesn't make me look like a pig! No, there's a better explanation.
Tell them you had to make an adult film for your adult film class.
I like that.
But no! How does that explain my underwear at your place? I don't know.
Get ready to come out of the non-gay closet.
I promise to come up with something.
Just give us time.
All right.
But it better make me look really good.
And another thing: The video camera? Nice! May I have a word? Of course, Donald.
We've been getting reports of very angry behavior on your part.
-What? -Threatening letters refusal to meet deadlines.
Apparently people now call you Mental.
We want you to speak to a psychiatrist.
You don't understand.
This is so silly.
This is all just because of a sandwich.
A sandwich? You see, my sister makes these amazing turkey sandwiches.
Her secret is, she puts an extra slice of gravy-soaked bread in the middle.
I call it "The Moistmaker.
" Anyway, I put my sandwich in the fridge.
Oh, you know what? I'm sorry.
I believe I ate that.
You ate my sandwich? A simple mistake.
It can happen to anyone.
Oh, really? Did you confuse it with your own turkey sandwich with a Moistmaker? Do you, perhaps, remember seeing a note on top of it? There may have been a joke or limerick of some kind.
That said it was my sandwich! Now, calm down.
Look in my office.
Some may be in the trash.
It was quite large.
I had to throw most of it away.
You threw my sandwich away? My sandwich?! What's this book about? You didn't read it, either? I was going to, but I accidentally read something else.
Vogue.
So tell me about Jane Eyre.
No, read it yourself.
Come on, don't be such a goody-goody.
Fine.
All right.
So, Jane Eyre? First, you'd think she's a woman, but she's not.
She's a cyborg.
A cyborg? Isn't that like a robot? This book was light years ahead of its time.
Sorry I'm late.
Let's get started.
What did you think of Jane Eyre? Rachel and I were discussing it, and she had very interesting insights.
Go ahead, Rachel.
Thank you, Phoebe.
What struck me most when reading Jane Eyre was how the book was so ahead of its time.
If you're talking about feminism, I think you're right.
Well, feminism, yes.
But also the robots.
Since that video camera thing didn't work out I thought that I would give you just a little preview.
You're naked! I know! Are you okay? I'm fine.
I saw a psychiatrist at work today.
Why? On account of my rage.
Which, if I may say, right now is out of control.
He gave me a pill for it.
A pill? When the psychiatrist told me to take a leave of absence because I yelled at my boss, I started to get worked up again.
So he offered me a tranquilizer.
And I thought it was a good idea.
So I took it.
They're making you take time off work? And you're okay with that? I don't know.
It's going to be weird not having a job for a while.
But I definitely don't care about my sandwich.
I hate it when they make me see the shrink at my office.
He's always like, "Your colleagues will like you better if you like yourself better.
" Who needs that? -You do.
-I know.
It's so embarrassing! I can't believe you let me go on like that! I'm sorry.
It was so funny when you compared Jane Eyre to Robocop.
That was not funny! I snapped, okay? You weren't taking the class seriously.
Come on! What is the big deal? I thought it'd be something we could do together.
I thought it would be fun.
Fun is good.
But I also wanted to learn.
People talk about what they learned in high school.
I never went.
So you really wanted to learn.
You know, Phoebe, I just wanted to have fun.
You know who should go? I know! I know! I know! Monica, you asked the question.
Oh, my God, that's Monica! You get away from me, you sick, sick, sicko! What's going on? Joey has got a secret peephole! -Oh, no! -Yes, he has a naked picture of Monica! He takes naked pictures of us, then he eats chicken and looks at them! Oh! Dude, that's my sister! Give me that! Wait! Everybody calm down, okay? Let's give our friend a chance to explain why he's such a big pervert! I am not a pervert, okay? It's just.
I just kind of.
I think I can explain this.
Thank you.
Joey's a sex addict.
What?! No, I'm not! It's okay! It's good! It's a disease.
I am not a sex addict! Yes, you are! That's the only way to explain all this stuff! No, it isn't.
It's not.
Because you could also explain it with the truth! What is the truth? -What's up? -What's going on? I slept with Monica.
Well, let's see what everybody thinks of that.
You slept with my sister? Yes, but it was We just did it once, in London.
This is not good for my rage.
Is this true? Of course, it's true.
How else would you explain all the weird stuff that's been going on? Yes, it's true.
If it happened once, how come we found your underwear in our apartment? That was the underwear I was wearing that night in London.
Right, Monica? I guess I wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
My God, Monica! Are you sure you're not just a sex addict? If anyone's a sex addict here, it's Monica.
She has been trying to get me back in the sack ever since London! That's why she gave you a naked picture of herself.
That makes sense.
And the video camera? I guess I set up the video camera to try and entice Joey.
But, sadly, I could not be enticed.
Monica, this has to stop now.
I know, I know.
I know.
I will, and I would appreciate if we all could just drop it immediately, and forever.
Okay.
That is, if you can resist me.
-I'll give it my best shot.
-Good luck.
Unbelievable! You really kept Joey's underwear? Why? Why would you do that? I'm Monica.
I'm disgusting.
I stalk guys and keep their underpants.
I think we've all learned who's disgusting and who's not.
Now, I'm going to get back to my bucket.
I'm only eating the skin, so the chicken's up for grabs.
You were making a good point.
I mean, till you got cut off.
What's up with that girl Monica? I don't know.
I didn't come with her.
Hey, everybody! Everybody, guess what! I just convinced Carl to give us a test.
Test? Come on! Tests make us all better learners! Oh, yeah! We should have essay questions!