Gilmore Girls s05e09 Episode Script

- Lorelai.
|- Jackson.
Just come here a sec.
I need you to get some stuff for me|from Doose's.
- Jackson, what are you doing?|- Stop saying my name.
Look, Sookie's got major food cravings|and I can't go into leech headquarters or they'll be all over me|in two seconds flat.
Selectman job|isn't getting any easier, huh? No, it's getting worse.
Like last week,|Ann Benninghoff comes to me, right? She wants to put a sales cart|outside the Colonial Museum selling revolutionary war books|and "just a few arrowheads.
" Fine, but then Sally Lannigan|hears about that and she wants to sell|her pine-needle sachets out in front of the gazebo.
Fine, but then Kirk comes to me|in an outrage because he's allergic|to all pine-scented things and how could I not know this? And pretty soon, I'm nothing|but an empty suit of Jackson skin.
- Well, what do you need?|- Thanks.
Let's see here.
Grapefruit juice, Milk Duds,|Bloody Mary mix extra-spicy turkey sausage This is all going in the same blender,|by the way.
Good Lordy.
Chives, and I'm getting a stomachache|just reading this list.
Give it to me.
|I'll brave headquarters for you.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
- Do not go where you're going.
|- Well, what's one leech versus a swarm? I have no sanctuary.
The pothole on the road|to the Dragonfly is getting worse.
Kids are starting to swim in it.
I'll put it on the list|along with everything else.
- Top of the list, please? Jackson.
|- Don't.
Oh, was that too loud? Can't always tell.
- It's on top of the list.
|- Be back in a flash.
- Sookie, I'm home.
|- I'm home, too.
- Were we followed?|- I don't think so.
Good thing we ditched|that Audi in Marseilles.
Now we just have to find|that tracking device.
Sookie, honey, what's wrong? I just It's just It's just so sad.
"People" magazine.
Jackson, you know we don't allow|soft human-interest stories around Sookie when she's pregnant.
She must have snuck it in.
I just feel like they were perfect|for each other, you know? - Who, honey?|- The two of them.
I mean, with the hair, and the teeth,|and the - You know?|- Who's got hair and teeth? And then|the Divine Brown thing happens and bammo, their love's in the toilet.
We're talking Elizabeth Hurley|and Hugh Grant? She must have found|an old one somewhere.
- That was years ago, Sookie.
|- Tons of people have broken up since then.
Oh, my God! No, no, it's okay.
|Everyone's together and happy.
- Dispose, please.
|- Gladly.
- Oh, is that my food?|- Yes, yes, look.
We got turkey sausage,|extra-spicy like you wanted.
- And grapefruit juice? Rapini?|- Puke.
You're not craving things anymore,|are you? - I'm sorry.
|- No.
I mean, I'm so frigging impossible.
You're so good to me,|and you go to all this trouble and you get me everything I want,|then I don't want it anymore.
I'm sorry that you have to be in love|with a crazy person.
Come here.
I'll tell you what.
I'll deal with as much moodiness|and food weirdness as you can dish out as long as you do the actual "squeezing a human being|out of your body" part.
- Deal.
|- Okay.
That car just slowed down|as it went past the house.
Jackson, why don't you get away from|the window and go relax or something? I shouldn't be near a window.
Why don't you take it easy, sweetie,|and go check on Davey? All right, but if anyone calls for me,|I'm not here.
And I'm armed and dangerous.
- He loves you.
|- Then he's certifiable.
'Cause I'm certifiable and you have to be|certifiable to put up with that.
Hey, you're pregnant.
|You're not supposed to be normal.
I guess so.
And it may be mean but when I worry too much|about how I'm treating Jackson - I just remember Brandy.
|- Brandy? - Christopher's Brandy.
|- Christopher's Sherry? I knew it was something like that.
Anyway, I'm handling this|all better than her.
- How is he, anyway?|- Christopher? Fine.
Oh.
You know what?|I have no idea.
He never called me again.
- Really?|- Not once since I went over there.
- I assume he's doing fine, but I don't know.
|- He never called? All those problems with the baby|were solved in one night? - Kind of weird, isn't it?|- A little.
You never know with him.
He's|as unpredictable as a pregnant woman.
- No offense.
|- None taken.
I hope he and G.
G.
are okay.
The last time I was over there,|he was duct-taping her diapers.
But I'm sure he's found|the tabby thingies by now.
Yeah, I'm sure he's okay.
- Milk chocolate and artichoke hearts.
|- What? That's what I want,|and I'm not gonna change my mind.
Milk chocolate, bell peppers.
|Now I'm not gonna change my mind.
Jackson, I figured it out.
|Look! Dark chocolate.
Taffy.
Taffy and walnuts.
Taffy.
Pistachios.
Hearts of palm.
Paris, please don't compare|our reading speeds again.
- You're fast.
I'm slow.
Enjoy your trophy.
|- I need the exact time of today's sunset.
- I'm in the middle of an article.
|- Well, if you read faster, you wouldn't be.
Okay, the time of today's sunset is 4:31.
Okay.
Then I just have to keep my mind|occupied until 4:31.
- Paris.
|- What? Tell me again|why you're fasting for Ramadan.
Look, Rory, if you want to crib|your articles from the AP wire that's your business.
I, on the other hand actually give a rat's ass|about journalistic integrity.
When I write about Ramadan,|I experience Ramadan.
- Are you chewing gum?|- What? Yes, why? I'd really prefer it|if you didn't chew it at me.
Paris, did you know that not eating|can make people kind of snippy? Ramadan is about a lot more|than just not eating.
It calls for a total abstinence|from food particles passing through my mouth or nose.
Your Bazooka is passing through my nose.
It's unlocked.
Hey, Marty.
So, I just bartended this crazy brunch with chocolate fountains|and floating ice sculptures.
And I snagged us|all kinds of hors d'oeuvres.
Nice going, bucko.
Okay, so,|she didn't really mean nice going, right? 'Cause there's sort of a devil-eye thing|going on.
She's fasting.
People came to America|to escape religious persecution.
Well, what religion is anti-leftovers? - Hello.
|- Hi, guess where I am? - Mom.
|- Go on, guess.
Oh, I don't know, Luke's? But not just at Luke's,|on the phone at Luke's and it's all perfectly legal|because I'm on the diner's phone.
- A loophole, nice.
|- Gotta love a loophole.
Getting to use|Luke's behind-the-counter phone that's like getting to wear|his letterman jacket.
I know.
Maybe now he'll ask me|to the sock hop.
I'm glad you guys|are all loopholey and sock-hoppy.
- It's nice.
|- Yeah.
Well I just called to, you know,|brag about my loophole and check on plans for Friday night dinner.
- Hon, hold on a sec.
|- What are you doing back here? You didn't have permission|to be behind the counter, did you? You don't need permission|if you're the girlfriend.
A sack of potatoes falls on your head|the insurance company doesn't care if you're the girlfriend.
Well, you're storing potatoes|in a very weird place if you're worried about them|falling on people's heads.
- Go, go, get.
|- Okay, I'm getting.
- He's kicking you out?|- No.
It's just my boyfriend's|so protective of my safety the thought of food falling on my head|makes him crazy.
So, anyway, what's better for you?|Car pool or meet there? - Meet's better, I guess.
|- Okay, honey, I'll see you there.
Oh, wait, there's something|I want to run by you.
Can't you just plug your nose|or something? Sure, ask a billion Muslims|to plug their noses.
That makes a lot of sense, Marty.
- Okay, so, I've got an idea.
|- Finally, this Yale thing is kicking in.
I am sick of humoring|Grandma and Grandpa during this stupid separation of theirs.
This "drinks here, dinner there" is dumb.
It's not working,|and we should not do it anymore.
Well if you feel it is best to end|the Friday night dinners then as your mother,|I feel it is my duty to support you.
I'm not saying we should end|Friday night dinners.
Okay, well, then, as your mother I feel it is my duty to tell you|you're wrong.
We need to take a stand.
|No more humoring.
We need to get them in a room|and talk some sense into them.
And to do that,|I think we should divide and conquer.
So this Friday, I'll have dinner with one,|and you'll have dinner with the other.
Hey, what happened to the idea|of ending Friday night dinners? 'Cause I thought|that one had real potential.
This way, we can each talk|to them one-on-one break them down, convince them|that their separation isn't okay with us.
It's not? Mom, I know they both want|to be with each other.
Hon, my parents are very stubborn.
I don't want you to get your hopes up|about the outcome.
But I can't stand it the way it is.
I think they both miss each other|but they're just too proud and it's just|It's kind of breaking my heart.
So which one do you want me to take? How about I'll take Grandpa,|and you take Grandma? No.
Okay, then I'll take Grandma,|and you take Grandpa.
No.
- Mom.
|- Can't I take the butler? He doesn't talk much|and, as far as I can tell thoroughly enjoys the way I dress.
She's throwing things at me.
|Religious sanctuary, please.
The butler is not an option.
- Fine, I'll take her.
|- Thank you.
Bye.
What's the bacon wrapped around? Something bacon should never|be wrapped around.
- Rich people.
|- They live very different lives.
- Thanks.
|- So, that was Rory? - Yeah.
|- How's she doing? Fine.
With the Dean thing and all|and the breakup? She sounds okay.
- Actually, she's petite, but she's strong.
|- Good.
I'm glad.
- Don't gloat.
|- I'm not gloating.
Yes, you are.
I just said I'm glad she's okay.
|That's not gloating.
It was your tone, like you were|covering up for being gloaty by sounding extra non-gloaty.
- Lorelai.
|- You always hated him.
I get it.
I never hated him.
|I just never thought he was right for Rory.
And I swear, I'm not gloating.
I don't know.
If it walks like a gloat|and quacks like a gloat - I wasn't.
|- I gotta go.
Kiss.
I stink.
There's your headline.
|Keep your distance.
- Better run.
|- I'll call you later.
If I don't strangle myself|with the phone cord, I'll answer.
- Hi, TJ.
|- Three feet, Lorelai 'cause I haven't showered|in as many days.
Oh, good.
Bye, TJ.
- I need your shower, buddy.
|- I'm sorry, broken.
Really? 'Cause you're looking|powder fresh.
I am not powder fresh.
Come on, Luke,|we got no water at our new place.
- And the flies, they're a-buzzing, man.
|- Fine, use my shower, TJ.
You're the best, you know that?|I worship you.
Yeah, you should build an altar to me.
You know,|I know I shouldn't ask you this but why isn't your water turned on? 'Cause the pipes got trashed|after I demoed the upstairs bathroom.
You weren't gonna demo the bathrooms.
Right, but I had a little accident|installing the towel rack and next thing you know,|the whole bathroom's demoed.
- Because of the towel rack?|- I got very angry at this towel rack.
- Yes, that's very normal.
|- But I got some replacement pipe.
I just got to cut it up into shorter pieces and stick it together,|and we're good to go.
Okay, sounds like you know|what you're doing.
I just need some kind of tool|that cuts pipe.
- What would you call that?|- I don't know, a pipe cutter? That's it.
A pipe cutter.
You know anyone who's got a pipe cutter? I have a pipe cutter.
|Would you like to borrow it? That cuts pipe, right? Hey, TJ,|why don't you just hire a professional? Because I'm trying to be responsible.
What with the move|and being in escrow and everything I'm not exactly flush,|so I figured I'd do it myself.
Is that so wrong? - I'll help you cut the pipe, TJ.
|- Oh, hey, that's beyond the call.
You've gotta be|the best brother-in-law in the world.
Thanks.
Anything else? You know, it's real hell|trying to make coffee without water.
Have some coffee, TJ.
And a cruller to cut the bitterness|'cause sometimes, no offense I find your coffee a little bitter.
I mean, it's good.
It's just a little bitter.
- We need to talk.
|- Shoot.
There's a couple here|I thought I recognized but I was not sure,|so I consulted an old guest ledger from the Independence Inn and found a physical description|that confirmed their identities.
- Physical description?|- Yes.
I had described them|with astonishing accuracy.
Down to the crooked eyes|and unsightly moles.
You have a system of describing|what people's moles look like? Moles, freckles, estimated weight are they buxom, is their chin cleft, do they|walk with any sort of limp, et cetera.
But this is beside the point.
|You remember the bathrobe bandits? - No.
|- The married couple from Massachusetts that stole bathrobes from the|Independence Inn every time they came.
We called them the bathrobe bandits.
|They are here.
- Did they bring their moles?|- With your permission I'm going to remove their bathrobes|from their room as a preventive measure.
No, no, no.
Michel, come on.
If they steal robes,|we can just charge their credit card.
And if they take a credenza or a couch?|Do you think they'll stop at robes? Then I'll start jotting down mole locations|along with you.
But for now, let's take a flier on them.
- I should never tell you anything.
|- Promise? I'm going to leave|a vaguely threatening note in their room.
No, no, no.
Michel, no.
- Hello.
|- Well, if it isn't Mr.
Incommunicado.
- Lorelai.
|- I figured you'd turned Amish or something and couldn't make|any calls until "rumspringa " but no, here you are, answering the phone.
- Yeah.
|- So, how are you? - Fine.
|- Is this a bad time? No, not at all.
So what's going on? Not much.
|Just working at the old salt mine.
But earlier, I was talking to Sookie,|who, by the way got herself knocked up again.
|The crazy slut.
So, anyway,|we were talking about babies and stuff and she asked me about you and G.
G.
,|and that's when I realized I hadn't talked to you in a while,|so here we are.
Sorry I haven't called.
|I just, you know, been really busy.
Okay, well, no worries.
I know you've got your plate full|taking care of G.
G.
- Are you sure this isn't a bad time?|- No.
No, it's fine.
Fine.
Okay.
So how is G.
G.
? Is she still alive? The last time I was there,|things were a little dicey.
She's good.
Everything's fine, Lor.
|Everything's good.
Your help was great,|and I'm absolutely fine.
Okay, well, good.
- So I guess I'll talk to you later.
|- Sure.
Definitely, okay? - I'll talk to you later.
Take care.
|- Okay, bye.
Listen, Lor, I just want you to know|that I only called you before because I was desperate.
I mean, there was no other reason.
I was just panicked,|and I didn't think, you know? - Chris, sure.
|- I know that I shouldn't have bothered you.
I know you have your own life|and your own stuff and I shouldn't be butting in.
|It was just a one-time thing, you know? So you don't have to worry about it.
Chris, come on, you can call me|anytime you want.
You know that.
Yeah, well I'm always here for G.
G.
,|whatever you need.
Because we got bonds, baby.
|Just try to break them.
- Thanks, Lor.
|- No problem.
Anyhow, G.
G.
's great.
I've got new pictures, too.
|I can e-mail them to you, if you want.
Or bring her around|next time you're in the 'hood.
- Stars Hollow's a 'hood now?|- Oh, it's always been a 'hood.
We just try to keep it on the down-low.
But seriously, you should come by.
Well, I'm actually gonna be|adjacent to the 'hood on Saturday because I'm taking G.
G.
|to see her grandparents.
- Come by Saturday.
|- Are you sure? I don't want to- Come by.
We can have lunch|here at the inn, you, me, and G.
G.
That way, I can check|she's still got all her arms and legs.
All right, sure.
Sounds good.
- Saturday it is.
|- Okay, see you then.
- Yes, you will.
|- Bye.
- Grandpa, it's fine.
|- No, it certainly is not fine.
When you're entertaining|an elegant young lady for dinner - then dinner is expected.
|- But I just sprang this on you.
You couldn't be held accountable|for your lack of elegant-young-lady food.
Well, I am delighted with your company though I'm still a little confused|at the new arrangement.
Well, Mom and I have realized that we don't really get to spend|as much time with you and Grandma|since the separation so we decided to split up.
Well, how would you feel about some batteries and Nutella? Oh, rats.
I had that for lunch.
Well, that seems to be all I have in here.
Robert's shopping skills|leave something to be desired.
- So, Grandpa-|- Wait.
I think I have some canned peaches.
You've really made it comfortable|out here.
- Pears.
|- Nice, like a vacation spot.
You know, fun and all yours,|not permanent, but fun for now.
Yes, well, "fun for now"|is exactly what I was going for.
So it's not permanent? - What?|- The pool house.
It's not permanent.
|You just said "fun for now.
" - Did I? I must have heard it somewhere.
|- I mean, don't get me wrong.
It's good to shake things up|every now and then.
You know, put a little paint on the house move the furniture around the den,|go blond.
But after you've done all that,|it can also be nice to go back to something|that's comfortable something you've depended on|for, let's say, 40 years.
I mean,|if something's been around that long it must be for a reason, right? - You're a lovely girl.
|- I have good genes.
Oh, I think I remember|seeing a frozen pizza in here.
- Really?|- Now the downside of this discovery is that since Robert|is currently doing all the shopping this pizza could have been here|since Lorelai's 10th birthday party.
The upside, however,|is that there is cheese in the crust.
I've always been|a "glass is half full" kind of gal myself.
All righty, then.
Here goes nothing.
Stupid little I can't find anything|in this place.
She's taken things.
What, Mom? Oh, nothing.
I'm just trying to make|a proper drink, that's all.
- Sorry about the change of plans.
|- Please.
I'm as flexible as the next person.
See, Rory thought that,|since Dad's moved out to the pool house we're not getting enough time|with either of you, so- I guess I could use the ice in the freezer,|though it's probably old.
You know what they say,|a little notice ensures fresh ice.
- I'm sorry, who says that?|- We'll just have to have scotch neat.
- Super.
|- I'd offer you wine - but all the wine I have has to breathe.
|- And that requires notice.
- What are you looking at?|- Nothing.
It's just Isn't this weird to you? - What?|- Sitting next to each other.
- Would you like me to move?|- No, it's fine.
It's just close.
Will you explain to me again|why we are doing this? I have no idea|because you usually sit over there.
I'm talking about Rory|being in the pool house, Lorelai.
Rory just thought|we should split up tonight get in some quality couch time.
That seems very silly.
We had a perfectly good system|worked out.
I don't know why we changed it.
So, Mom, do you think you and Dad|are getting back together? - Absolutely not.
|- Okay, got any peanuts? Your father has proven to me once|and for all he's moved on with his life.
You don't think that moving on with|his life would've actually included moving? - No.
|- Okay.
We attended the Dorman School Bazaar|last week.
It was a big formal gathering.
|All our friends were there.
And at dinner,|he made me reach for the butter.
What? It was sitting right there in front of him,|and yet he didn't offer me the dish.
He buttered his own roll offered the dish to the man|next to him, and that was it.
- And that's why you think he's moved on?|- It was a total disregard for my needs.
I might as well not have had a roll|in front of me at all.
- Well, Mom, I'm sorry.
|- It's very upsetting.
But at some point, you have to face facts,|and the facts are he's moved on.
- And therefore, I should move on also.
|- Absolutely, move-on.
org.
- I think it's time for me to date.
|- Oh, my God! - I want to go on a date.
|- With a man? - No, a weasel.
Of course with a man.
|- I'm not hearing this.
Well, why shouldn't I date?|I'm still a viable commodity.
- I need a paper towel and a Valium, please.
|- There are plenty of men at the club who, in the past,|have made their interest in me known.
I just need to figure out|how to reciprocate their feelings.
You have a lot of experience with men.
How do you let them know|that you're available? Well, one of those bench ads|usually does the trick.
Lorelai, stop it.
I need help here.
It's been years since I did this and I don't remember|the proper procedure.
Now take me through this step by step.
You see a man,|you walk up to him, and you say - "Hello.
"|- Is that too forward? No, it's the appropriate way to indicate|you're open to a social engagement.
Unless, however,|you are approaching a weasel.
Then I believe the proper signal|is just to offer him your hindquarters.
Hey, my night was great.
Grandpa made frozen pizza.
|Granted, he made it on a cedar plank which was not|what the manufacturer intended but I got a chance|to say a lot of things to him.
Things about living in the pool house|and about him and Grandma.
And though I used veiled references I know he got my point,|and he is definitely thinking about it.
- How did you do?|- Grandma wants to date.
- What?|- She wants to date men who hang out at the club and who have|expressed interest in her in the past.
What do you mean, she wants to date? You weren't supposed|to make her want to date.
You were supposed to make her|want to get back together with Grandpa.
Hey, I told you not to make me|have dinner alone with her.
- What did you say to her?|- I said, "Are you getting back with Dad?" And she said he wouldn't butter her roll.
- I can't believe you.
|- I'm sorry.
I tried.
- You did not try.
|- I did try.
I just sucked at it.
Look, she probably didn't mean it, okay? She's just mad at Dad,|and she was just talking.
Next week, we'll switch.
You can have dinner with my mother and|I'll marry my dad off to a nice baroness.
- Don't joke.
|- Don't hate me.
- I don't hate you.
I can't hate the pathetic.
|- Good.
Now, I have a complaint to register.
Because of your flawed plan,|I was deprived of Friday night with my kid.
- I was trying to reunite your parents.
|- Oh, sure, now they're my parents.
So, anyway, I was thinking,|if you're not busy tomorrow how about you come meet me|for lunch at the Dragonfly? - What time?|00-ish? - See you tomorrow.
|- Okay.
- And stay away from Grandma.
|- Oh, gee, there's a demand.
Well, I like that it's got rooms.
|Very novel for an inn.
The guests love it when they don't have|to sleep communally.
They pay extra for it.
Good squeaky stairs,|helps sell the old inn aspect.
- Actually, we had those squeaks installed.
|- Squeakmasters? - Oh, you've used them?|- Oh, several times.
Reception's over there.
|Living room's through here.
Hey, you recognize the bobble-head dolls|on the mantel? You put those out in public? Hey, they are a cherished part|of my childhood.
Plus, all the dirty pieces broke off|10 years ago so now they're just charming.
- I like the jukebox.
|- I thought you would.
- And here's where we feed them.
|- You feed them, too? Yes, and once a day, we let them use|the bathroom or sit on the furniture.
Classy joint.
So I'm thinking you should order|the steak sandwich and the garlic bread Thanks.
Or fried chicken.
|Seriously good fried chicken.
Or, yeah, get the pork chops.
'Cause, normally,|eating pork chops is very similar to sucking on the Pottery Barn catalog,|but Sookie does this brining thing in a saltwater-bourbon solution.
It sounds a little like laundry,|but it's actually unbelievably good.
What? Nothing.
Just You did it.
I You did it.
Yeah, I think I did.
How sappy is it going to sound|if I say that I'm proud of you? Oh, my God, so sappy.
- Yeah, well, I am.
|- Thanks, Chris.
Yeah.
Okay, so I think you were trying|to talk me into the pork chop.
Yes, I was.
Mom, hey, I'm Hey, surprise!|Look what the mommy dragged in.
- Hey, Rory.
|- Hey, Dad.
- You haven't said hi to your sister yet.
|- Right.
Hey, G.
G.
, remember me? I'm Rory.
- I show her your picture all the time.
|- Great.
Thanks.
So your timing's perfect.
|I'm starved.
Have a sit.
- Isn't this a nice surprise?|- Very nice, yes.
I like to see G.
G.
How are you doing there, G.
G.
?|That thumb tasting pretty good there? 'Cause seriously, if you soak it in|a saltwater-bourbon solution overnight - you'll see a major improvement.
|- Lorelai, excuse me.
There's an incident in the front|you may want to check in on.
Okay, Rob, thanks.
I'll be right back.
Don't say anything hilarious|while I'm gone.
- Rory.
|- One thing.
I've only asked you for one thing, ever.
- This wasn't my idea.
|- Stop.
Rory, I didn't call.
|After you asked me not to, I didn't.
Your mother called me.
She called me because she hadn't heard|from me in a while.
And the reason that she hadn't|heard from me in a while is because you asked me to stay away|and I did.
- Please stop shaking your head.
|- I don't believe you.
She called me, Rory.
She called me.
|She asked me to lunch.
You didn't have to accept.
I had absolutely no good reason to say no.
|What was I supposed to do? Tell her that you don't want me|to see her anymore? I didn't want to rat you out.
I'm sorry.
Look, I didn't even know|you were gonna be here.
This is as much a surprise to me|as it is to you.
Oh, I see.
So you didn't think|I was gonna be here so therefore it makes it safe to come|'cause maybe I wouldn't find out about it.
No, Rory.
No, all right?|That is not how it went down.
You know what?|I don't have to explain myself to you.
- I've done absolutely nothing wrong here.
|- Fine.
Look, I'm sorry you're upset.
|But you know what? Your mother and I have had a relationship|long before you ever existed.
We grew up together.
|We had a child together.
And no matter what is going on,|that does not change.
Great.
You knew her first so that gives you the right to just waltz in|and screw everything up? I did not waltz in.
I did not call her.
|You cannot make me the bad guy here.
- Hey, if the black hat fits.
|- I'm your father, kid, okay? I think that demands|a tiny bit of respect here.
- Fine.
|- See, this is why I love this job.
So, Michel has been obsessed|with these guests who he swears are the notorious bathrobe bandits|from the Independence Inn.
At least the moles match.
So, apparently they were checking out,|and Michel stopped them and demanded they open their suitcases,|and they refused.
So he grabs the guy's suitcase and starts tearing through all of his stuff,|which, of course, went over really well.
And when I got there,|the wife was calling the cops and the husband was chasing|Michel around with a golf club.
It took a comped bill|and two free bathrobes in addition to the ones they had stolen|to get them to drop the charges.
Plus, Michel ripped his pants,|and his underwear's pink and shiny.
Did I not hit the "pink and shiny"|hard enough? Should it have been,|"His drawers are pink and shiny"? I'm confused.
'Cause I was going to hit|the Orpheum Circuit with that material.
- Did I miss something here?|- Nope.
Nothing.
- Look, Lor, I should be going.
|- What? No, we didn't get our briny pork chops yet.
I know.
I just I really need|to get to my parents' house and G.
G.
's gonna need her nap soon.
- She can nap here.
|- No, it's okay.
The place looks great, really.
|And tell Sookie I said thanks for me.
- And bye, Rory.
|- Bye.
- Chris.
|- I'll call you later.
Okay, start connecting those dots.
- Did you call him and invite him to lunch?|- What? - Did you call him and invite him to lunch?|- Yeah, I did.
- He didn't call you?|- No.
- He didn't initiate this?|- No, Rory, what is going on? Huh? Answer me.
- I went to see Dad.
|- When? Today? No, a while ago, right after Sherry left.
I went to see him, and I told him|that I didn't want him to call you anymore.
- Why?|- Mom, come on.
No "Mom, come on.
"|Why? Why did you do that? I didn't want him to screw anything up|between you and Luke.
Oh, kid, you are so far off here.
|That is not going to happen.
Every time he comes back,|he ends up messing up your life.
- Not true.
|- It's completely true.
He wants you back,|and then he disappears or Sherry gets pregnant or he loses his job|or he just takes off.
Whatever.
No good reason necessary.
And it's been like this forever,|and you just let him do it.
- You can't help it.
|- Rory, come on.
- You can't just break free of him.
|- What are you talking about? You're engaged to Max,|and then, suddenly, you're not.
Christopher had nothing to do with Max.
Who was the person you were calling|from your bachelorette party? I was drunk.
I tried to call Abe Vigoda, too,|if you remember.
You're just always waiting for him|to get himself together.
No, no, hon.
|I'm not always waiting for him.
There have been times|when, yes, it would have been nice to actually be with the father of my kid,|but not now.
- I'm with Luke completely.
|- What did he say when you told him? - Told who what?|- Luke.
What did he say when you told him|you were having lunch with Dad? Nothing.
- He didn't care?|- No, he didn't care.
He didn't have to care,|'cause there's nothing to care about.
If you say so.
I appreciate you being concerned for me,|but don't be.
- I'm good.
|- Okay.
Let's order, shall we? She was so serious.
You know how she gets really serious|like when she saw "The Way We Were " and she couldn't believe|that Hubbell was going to leave Katie after she had the baby? Oh, I remember.
|She talked about it for weeks.
"How could he do that? "She was the only one who cared|about the blacklisting.
"She was the only one who thought|he could write a novel.
" On and on and on.
- That's the face she had on today.
|- She's just worried about you.
Then when she threw|that "what did Luke say" thing at me.
- She's got a good left hook.
|- I lied to my kid, Sookie.
I hate that I lied to her.
But I didn't want her to think|there was any weird reason why I didn't tell Luke.
Was there any weird reason|that you didn't tell Luke? - Sookie, come on.
|- I don't know.
Maybe you were afraid|that he'd get jealous.
I'd be afraid|that Jackson would get jealous.
- I was not afraid he'd get jealous.
|- He did beat up a car.
- One time.
|- That we know of.
No, I didn't tell him|because it was no big deal.
I thought it was no big deal.
|I should have told him, right? - Well.
|- Yeah, I should have told him.
Now he's gonna think I'm hiding|something from him, and I'm not.
- Damn it, he's going to beat up my car.
|- It's American.
It can take it.
I came home from work|and I found these on the doorstep.
- What the hell is this supposed to mean?|- Hon, maybe it's just a joke.
No, this is not a joke.
This is a threat.
Yeah, those people at Butterick Patterns|play pretty rough.
This is the fish on the doorstep.
|It's the horse head in the bed.
It's the "either your signature or your|brains are going to be on the contract.
" - Jackson, calm down.
|- I will not calm down.
I told them I would not do|any ribbon-cutting ceremonies.
- Who's "them"?|- Them.
The town.
The lunatics who voted for me.
Okay, could you put the giant scissors|down, and then do the waving around? We have to move.
Pack up.
|We're getting out.
Okay.
Or you could just ask them|at the next town meeting not to leave giant scissors|on our porch anymore.
Town meeting? Oh, no.
No way.
There will be no town meeting.
- What?|- There's gonna be lots of upset people.
The town meeting|is a 200-year-old tradition.
Tradition over.
Only hell waits for me at town meetings.
|Spread the word.
That's sweet.
|He's having sympathy mood swings.
He loves me.
- How are you doing? You need coffee?|- No.
- No?|- Sure.
- Sure?|- Yes, coffee good.
- Your cup's full.
|- Oh, no.
Then, no.
No, coffee bad.
- Did I tell you about the bathrobe bandits?|- Nope.
Oh, well, very funny story.
Back at the Independence Inn,|there was this couple and they would come in all the time|and steal the bathrobes.
- They'd make Michel crazy.
So, today-|- Up.
- Oh, right.
And today, they showed up.
|- Who? The bathrobe bandits.
|They showed up, and they stayed and then they were checking out,|and then, get this the bellboy comes running over|and tells me to come quick.
|There's a situation in the lobby.
And so, I come running to the lobby.
- You can put your plate down.
|- Right.
So I run to the lobby,|and Michel is being chased and the wife is calling the cops and I comped their room|and gave them free bathrobes to stop the yelling and the calling.
- This is a very bad story.
|- It wasn't that bad.
No, this is the second time I told it,|and both times, crickets.
I mean, Rory and Christopher|looked at me like I was Pauly Shore.
- Christopher?|- Rory's dad.
He came for lunch today.
I had lunch with him today, and Rory.
|I had lunch with Rory and Christopher and G.
G.
,|his daughter with Sherry.
He brought her 'cause Sherry moved|to France, so he's a full-time dad now and we all had lunch,|all of us together, today.
And when I told|the bathrobe-bandits story they all acted like that.
Except G.
G.
, who spit up|'cause she's a baby.
- That's what they do.
|- Okay.
Okay.
- Hello.
|- You get over here right now.
- Who is this?|- This is you in 20 years.
- "Who is this?"I swear.
|- Mom, calm down.
He'll be here in one hour,|and I have no idea what to wear.
- You've got to come right now.
|- Who'll be there in one hour? Dad? - Simon McLane.
|- Who is Simon McLane? - He's my date.
|- What? I have no idea what to put on.
|I'm in a blind panic, and it's all your fault.
- How is it my fault?|- Because I used your line, and it worked.
- What line?|- "Hello.
" "Hello" is not my line.
|"Hello" is not a line.
"Hello" is hello.
Well, all I know is I helloed him today,|and now he's taking me to dinner.
- Mom|- If you don't get over here right now I'm going to book a DAR function|at the Dragonfly every single weekend from now until I die.
I'll be right there.
Mom? Are you- Chanel attack.
- Look at the red pantsuit.
|- The The red pantsuit.
The red pantsuit.
|Right there.
Right there.
Right there.
I got it.
I got it.
Here.
- Well?|- Nice.
- Nice?|- Nice and red and panty-suity.
- It's horrible.
You think it's horrible.
|- No.
It's horrible and Simon will be here|in 20 minutes and I have nothing to wear.
Well, just tell him you're obsessed|with "Butterfield 8," and go like that.
I haven't done this in years.
I have no idea what's appropriate|to wear on the first date.
I have no idea what's appropriate to say|on the first date.
I don't know what to talk about,|what to order.
Which one? - They look exactly the same.
|- They are not exactly the same.
Okay, then that one.
- Why?|- Why what? Why did you pick that one? What was the logic|behind your picking this particular one? Could it possibly be|because it was closest? Well, you know|what they say about location.
You're just picking anything|so that I'll get dressed and you can leave.
No, Mom, I don't want to leave.
I'm never leaving.
|In fact, I'm going with you.
I'll never be ready on time.
|I haven't finished my hair.
I haven't finished my makeup.
|Oh, my goodness.
I can't breathe.
- I'm actually having trouble breathing.
|- Mom, sit.
Sit.
- I can't sit.
I'll wrinkle my clothes.
|- You're not dressed yet.
What? Oh, my god, I'm losing my mind.
I can't believe I'm doing this.
|I'm dating.
I'm single.
- You're not single.
|- That's just a formality.
You know, I remember|the night I got married.
I was panicked.
I thought, "This is it.
"I'll never have a chance|to be with anyone else.
"This is it for life.
" If only I'd had a crystal ball,|I might've been able to eat my salad.
I remember it looked delicious.
Mom, is this really what you want to do? - Yes, it is.
|- Okay.
- Wear the black.
|- Thank you.
- What about the-|- The burgundy works fine, too.
Jackson! Jackson! Stop! - Oh, Jackson.
Oh, thank god.
I'm frantic.
|- What's the matter? - My accompanist just passed out.
|- She what? She was playing the tarantella and then, suddenly, she stopped|and fell off the stool.
Come on.
- Well, is she breathing?|- I don't know.
- Did you check her pulse?|- No.
What a good idea.
- Oh, you're such a smart man.
|- Well, thank you.
I- A little faster, honey.
|The poor woman is just lying there.
Well, maybe we should call 911.
- She's right over there in the corner.
|- Why is it so dark in here? The town meeting is now in session.
- You know, we work pretty good together.
|- I guess.
No guess.
We do.
|We got, like, a rhythm, a groove thing.
We could survive in the woods together.
|Start a new civilization, if need be.
- I think you'd need a woman for that.
|- Oh, right.
Okay, maybe Liz could come.
Except we couldn't share her|'cause she's your sister and that's a bad way|to start a new civilization.
How about you and Liz go start a new|civilization, I'll stay here in this one? No, come on.
We could solve this.
|Okay, Lorelai could come.
And now, her, we could share.
- Okay, no more new civilization talk.
|- Okay by me.
Hey, TJ? - Yes, Luke.
|- Do you consider yourself a jealous man? Why? Are you planning on cutting|some pipe with another guy tomorrow? - Never mind.
|- I'm sorry.
You were asking me|if I consider myself a jealous man.
I don't, and let me tell you why.
|Jealousy is bad.
Jealousy is what landed me in jail.
Twice.
I learned quickly|that without an immediate influx of cash I could no longer afford|to be a jealous man.
Supply and demand, my friend.
So you're saying|if Liz had lunch with an ex it's no big deal, right? - Right.
|- Right.
I mean, it's an old ex,|a long time ago, ancient history.
But if she had lunch, and she didn't|tell you about it at the time but, eventually, she did tell you,|you should just let it go, right? I mean, you don't want|to be reading anything into anything.
You'd just make yourself crazy|and her crazy and then everybody's crazy, right? - Who the hell is Liz having lunch with?|- What? No one.
- You just said she had lunch with an ex.
|- Nah, TJ- - Was it Art?|- No, it wasn't Art.
I swear to God, if it's Art, I'm gonna Hey, what are you doing? I told him never to come|sniffing around here again.
TJ, hey, it wasn't Art.
I have to tell you, every time|I hear Mahler's "Seventh Symphony " I get ridiculous, giddy.
It's like the Beatles|on "The Ed Sullivan Show.
" Well, Mahler can do that to you.
Did you see the Cleveland Orchestra|when they were here last month? - I went every single night.
|- Oh, I should've done that.
I went the last night|and then to the gala afterward.
- Their conductor that night-|- Rudolfski.
Did you know that he's deaf in his left ear? I did know that.
In fact, I have a very evil friend who likes to sit next to him|at all the gala dinners and whisper incredibly scandalous things|into his bad ear all night long.
Well, who knew Emily Gilmore|ran with such a bad crowd? Yes, I'm very dangerous.
Ask my maids.
Have I told you how happy I am|you said hello to me at the club? Twice.
And so am I.
- How are we doing here?|- We're doing fine.
- Would you like some more wine?|- Why not? Okay, so, you know what's great|about this country? - Nope.
|- If you try hard enough you can eventually find a showing|of "St.
Elmo's Fire" on the big screen.
Yes, that's what gets us|the good seats at the summits.
Come on, admit it.
Rob Lowe pretending to play|the saxophone was incredibly hot.
- Oh, I admit it.
|- And also, Andrew McCarthy at his best.
Though "Less Than Zero"|runs a very close second.
I'm sure it does.
- You hated the movie.
|- Yes.
Although I love the fact|that it got me out of a town meeting so, all in all, a very successful evening.
Are you sure you can't stay? I've got really early deliveries tomorrow.
I'll make it up to you this weekend.
I'll hold you to that, mister.
Oh, by the way - it's fine about lunch.
|- What? You having lunch with Christopher.
|I just want you to know I'm fine with it.
Oh, okay.
Good.
Yup, all right.
See you tomorrow.
- Breaking your fast?|- Oh, my god.
I love food.
You want some? - I'm good.
|- It's for me.
It's for me.
- Pizza.
|- Yes, yes.
- $34.
95.
|- Need some money? I got it.
You want to have some? There's plenty.
- No, thanks.
I'm going to Marty's.
|- Okay.
Where's the cheesy bread?|I ordered the cheesy bread.
Okay, I remember something about Rome.
Rome.
Rome.
Romans lived there.
Audrey Hepburn took a holiday there.
|It's the name of a B-52 song.
- Different Rome.
|- Okay, that's it.
I can't remember.
College is breaking my spirit.
Every single day,|telling me things I don't know - it's making me feel stupid.
|- Okay, I need a break.
- I second that.
|- Oh, man, I'm tired.
Living is exhausting.
- This week sucked.
I'm so glad it's over.
|- Why did it suck? - Just a ton of schoolwork and Ramadan.
|- Oh, sure.
I broke up with my boyfriend this week.
|That was fun.
In front of a bunch of people|at my grandmother's house.
And then, because apparently|that wasn't enough "Peyton Place" for me I have this whole thing going with my dad,|who's suddenly back in my life again.
- Yeah, dads can be tough.
|- I spent so many years just I couldn't wait till he showed up.
|And now he's showing up and I don't know.
- I'm just really tired.
|- You know once I found out my father|wasn't really my father - we started getting along much better.
|- Stop it.
I'm serious.
|Suddenly the pressure was off.
If something happens I don't automatically have|to give him a kidney.
I can weigh my options.
It was a real turning point|in our relationship.
So, you broke up|with your boyfriend, huh? Rory? I'm exhausted.
The phone's far.
|Make it short and sweet.
Hey, Lor, it's me.
Are you there? Okay, well, I'm just calling|'cause lunch ended bad and I'm sure you've talked to Rory|by now so you know why it ended bad,|and I just wanted to talk.
Give me a call when you get in.
|I'll be up late.
Okay, bye.
It's been a long time since I've had an evening|quite as enjoyable as this one.
I'm choosing to believe you, Simon,|partly because it's flattering and partly because I've had|three glasses of wine and a limoncello.
So, do you think we could possibly|do this again sometime? - That would be lovely, Simon.
|- I'll call you this week.
Good night.
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