Glee s05e09 Episode Script
Frenemies
Here's what you missed on Glee.
Rachel's got the lead in Funny Girl and Santana doesn't know what she wants to do.
Bad yeast goes scat, with Yeast-l-Stat.
The New Directions are getting ready for college.
Artie's going to film school in Brooklyn, and Blaine auditioned for NYADA.
Kurt formed a band, but he's afraid Starchild's trying to steal the spotlight which is easy when you dress like a glam-rock Ebenezer Scrooge.
Thank you for your time, Starchild, but it's not a fit.
And that's what you missed on Glee.
Pardón.
Pardón.
Señorita.
Esos huevos no está caliente.
- Excuse me? - Oh, you speak English.
- I thought you were Mexican.
- I'm from Ohio.
Well, I didn't know there were Mexicans in Ohio.
- Okay.
- These eggs are cold.
I need new ones.
There's steam coming off of them.
I happen to know that eggs carry salmonella and I like them cooked extra hot to kill any parasites.
Rápido, por favor.
Okay, I was certain that you were gonna go all Lima Heights Adjacent and just throw those eggs on that lady's face just now.
No, I need this job.
I'm saving up to buy a noose to hang myself with.
Hey.
Wait, what's going on? Talk to me.
It's just not what I expected, you know.
I'm awesome.
I thought I'd come here and everyone would see that too.
What do you mean? You got a national commercial within a month of being here.
Yes, and now everywhere I go, I am known as the girl with the raging yeast infection.
The other day, some customers made me take their toast back because looking at me made them lose their appetite for any bread products.
I'm sorry I'm complaining.
I'm fine.
No, you're not.
Look, it's okay to complain to me.
It means we're friends.
I think I just have this weird guilt-trip thing about being friends with you because I was so awful to you in high school.
Quinn and Britt hated you, too, and that's mostly just because you sucked so bad and you walked with that weird "feet pointing out" thing.
I made Quinn look like the boss, but I was really running the "hate on Rachel" parade.
It's fine, okay? I forgive you, and you just have to forgive yourself.
High school's over, and it's just me, you and Kurt here now.
Yes, and out of all three of us, I am crapping the bed the hardest.
I may be on top right now, but one day it'll be you.
You know, what you need right now is some good old pampering.
Oh, are you treating at the Korean spa? Better.
I'm gonna be on the cover of New York magazine.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
That's awesome.
I'm totally pretending not to be jealous.
No, I'm just kidding.
That's really cool.
It's just something that the publicist for the show set up to, like, introduce me to the world.
And I just-I feel like this is my moment where I've really arrived.
I'm really, really happy for you.
But what does this have to do with me getting pampered? There's gonna be models at the shoot.
I think I have enough juice to ask if you can be one.
You can get your hair done, your nails, your makeup, and there's free clothes.
Are you in? - Hells yes, I'm in.
- Yes.
Right after I spit in these eggs.
Hey, listen.
I really hope that I can be as cool as you when the roles are reversed.
You're a really good friend.
- I'm really proud of us.
- Why is that? Because even after you and I broke up we were able to stay friends and continue our tradition of Tuesday lunch together.
It's also a good way to avoid the cafeteria on Taco Tuesdays when they use Grade D prison meat that can legally contain up to five percent insect larva.
Still, I'm gonna miss us next year when you're at Brown and I'm at film school in Brooklyn.
I got wait-listed at Brown.
Oh, you'll get in.
You know how many students make it off the wait list? Two percent.
The only other schools I applied to were Ohio State and that dumb vet school.
I really wanted to get out of this place, you know? Expand my horizons? I don't think that's in the cards for me now.
Well, listen.
We have, what? A couple more Tuesdays at McKinley? Let's make them count.
Tuesday lunch is about music that'll cheer you up.
'Cause the only thing you'll be doing next year is knitting scarves for those chilly Ivy League winters.
That's a really flimsy segue, Artie.
Ugh! Close the door when you're singin' crap like that.
Hey, Becky, can we help you with something? Yeah.
Quit staring at my boobs.
Tina, Artie, Principal Sylvester wants to see you in her office! Stumbles, Tina Warrior Princess graduation is fast-approaching and it is time to award the title of senior class valedictorian.
Now as you are respectively a loner Asian, who has trouble making friends and a nasal, Muppetty disabled kid in a wheelchair it should come as no surprise to you both that you're at the head of your class.
In fact, you're tied for number one.
- Tied? - How is that possible? Identical G.
P.
A.
's, extracurriculars and you both have perfect attendance.
Now, unlike some members of the Glee Club who come and go for months at a time with no explanation you two losers are always in that choir room.
Even if for an entire week, the only thing you have to do is say something inconsequential like, "Kitty's right," or, "Blaine, are you serious?" Wait, we can't both be valedictorian.
Not in my world.
And that is why we're going to settle this with a friendly little competition.
As you know, the valedictorian gives the speech at graduation.
At the end of this week, you will both deliver your speeches to a blue-ribbon panel of idiots of my choosing.
Whoever wins will be crowned valedictorian.
- That sound fair? - No, actually it doesn't.
Life isn't fair, Abrams! Good.
Then it's settled.
Oh, and, uh, let this stand as a warning to you both.
If, during the middle of your speeches you decide to abandon your prepared text in favor of a musical number because the emotions you're feeling are just so complex they can only be expressed in song I promise you, I will dedicate my life to making sure that every beverage you drink until the day you die will have just a tiny little bit of my pee in it.
Oh, my God.
Can you believe all the amazing dresses they pulled for this shoot? And all these girls are like the new up-and-comers from Juilliard and Harvard and Yale.
- That girl-Look, but don't really look- - Oh.
She just got the lead on AMC's new show about Victorian prostitutes.
I'm so nervous, but I don't know if it's because I'm excited or scared.
- This is so amazing.
- Berry-Berry, you look amazing.
- Okay.
- Own it.
- You are exactly where you're supposed to be.
- Thank you.
- Okay, good luck.
- Okay, here I go.
- Tell me if I look good.
- Okay- Santana.
Come on.
Go to wardrobe.
Get dressed.
Okay.
No need to write a speech.
I wrote it for you.
"In the hallowed halls of McKinley High one name rises to the top Tina Cohen-Chang.
There is no other choice for valedictorian.
I humbly drop out.
" No me gusta.
Artie, I need valedictorian in order to guarantee my acceptance to Brown.
If I don't get in, I'm screwed.
Please, take the fall for me.
No, it's not my fault you didn't apply to enough schools.
Maybe I was too busy making costumes and building sets and swaying in the background while everybody else was front and center.
You always get everything you want, and I get nothing! Woman, are you insane? You just won prom queen.
Which counts against me.
I read online that college admission directors think that high school prom queens are self-centered attention whores.
- Exactly.
- Excuse me? It's time you heard this.
The whole school's been talking about it.
Everyone's convinced that sometime between junior and senior year an alien invaded your body and made you shallow and desperate.
Says the nerd who's dating the Cheerio.
Says the hag who vapo-raped Blaine.
That was blown totally out of proportion, and yeah I had a little crush on a guy who could never love me.
But is that any different than you having a crush on a girl who can't possibly love you? - Kitty does love me.
- Please! She's obviously using you for some kind of sick charity project.
And you're using her too.
That's what your speech can be about how you're making a sad, last-ditch effort to be popular by dating McKinley's biggest bitch.
Actually, Tina, you're McKinley's biggest bitch.
And I'm gonna win this.
I don't know, Kurt.
Don't you think you might be overreacting? If anything, I'm underreacting.
Starchild is trying to take over the band.
The soul of Pamela Lansbury is hanging in the balance.
It all started when Elliott scored an interview in the Village Voice.
And he said, "I feel so alive right now.
Nothing means more to me than my band.
" - That's great, isn't it? - He's calling it his band, Blaine.
Okay, and not five minutes ago do I get a text from him that says "Oh, my God, I just wrote a new song that we have," in all caps, "GOT TO DO.
" - I mean, he's a psychopath.
- Kurt, I gotta go.
But look, if you're really concerned about Elliott, don't let on, even for a second.
Remember the old adage, "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer"? I love you.
All right, ladies, remember, we got band rehearsal tonight.
Kurt, I'm sorry, I just- I can't.
- What? - Wait, what? Why? Santana, don't start with me right now.
They're auditioning my understudy today, and I have to be there.
I told them it's ridiculous because it's not like I'm ever gonna miss a performance or anything.
Just-It must be an insurance thing, right? Okay, well, hold up.
If Berry's not coming, then neither am I.
Guys, we're in a band.
We have to practice.
Kurt, I would think that you would understand all of the emotional stress that I'm under right now and I need you guys to just be a little supportive.
It's just-It's really hard being a star.
Hey, guys, it's coming down to the wire.
We have a very important decision to make.
Yes.
My wig is either gonna be Anna Wintour chic, or Pam Grier fabulousness.
I'm not ready to make a decision.
Okay, so we have two solos at nationals and since Blaine was voted the new Rachel, obviously he's got one.
So, who is gonna step up and take center stage? - I'd like to nominate myself.
- Shocker.
And you think you're gonna carry us to victory? Actually, Mr.
Schue, I think I'd like to compete with Tina for that second spot.
Well, I think we should have a sing-off, right here, right now.
Little help, guys? Now it's time for a breakdown.
Oh, Artie, I'm so sorry.
I didn't mean to.
It's fine.
Fine.
When the girls bailed, I almost canceled rehearsal.
But then I thought, "Why can't it just be the boys today?" Why not use this as a great opportunity to get to know my new friend Elliott? - Cucumber sandwich? - Thank you, yeah.
So, let's break it down Andy Cohen style.
How long have you been performing? 'Cause you are extremely confident out there on that stage.
- No.
- Like you've been doin' it your whole life.
And dare I say it, you might be the breakout star of Pamela Lansbury.
- Well, I am.
- Sorry? Come on, now.
I mean, I-Everybody's bringing something essential to the mix.
Right, right, said Beyoncé right before she left Destiny's Child.
- She was better, more talented.
- No, but you were saying something- Uh, yeah, I guess the first time on stage was fifth grade.
Uh, I played Schroeder in You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown.
Oh, well, how does one go from Schroeder to Starchild? What is that journey like? - Well, I- - Ruthless and-and full of ambition, I-I-I imagine.
Qualities that I admire, of course, and, you know, wish I had more of myself.
Um, I started with, um, singing lessons and piano and-and I just started taking guitar.
- Would you teach me? - Have you ever played? Oh, yeah, a little, I-I-I think I know the-the basic chords.
But I'm nowhere near your level of virtuosity.
- I'm not that good.
- Oh, will you stop downplaying yourself? You- are amazing.
I mean, you could easily be the front man of our band, if you wanted to be- - Do you? - Yes.
Come again? You know what, Kurt? If you really wanna learn, you should- you should get your own guitar.
You know, something that suits your personality and your style.
You know, having the right instrument makes a huge difference.
Great.
Thank you.
- We will call.
- Thank you.
Oof! I mean, no wonder you hired me for this part.
No one can sing in this town.
- I hired you because you are spectacular.
- And incredibly healthy.
I plan on wearing one of those surgical masks that Chinese people wear once we're up and running, because I do not get sick.
Which is why I don't need an understudy.
The union says you need an understudy.
So does the producer, so does our insurance company, so do I.
- Fine.
How many more people do we have left? - Just a few.
- Santana Lopez.
- What? Holy moley.
That was amazing.
Who are you? I mean, who submitted you? Well, actually, I heard about this audition from Rachel.
We're roommates, and we went to high school together.
One high school produced both of you? Rachel, why didn't you tell me about her? Uh- - I'm so excited that we're doing this, Elliott.
- - After this, I thought we could second-act Pippin.
- Ooh.
- And then we could go to Angus's for after-theater cocktails.
- Oh, yeah.
Looking for anything in particular? Yeah.
My friend's in the market for a new guitar.
Don't touch the axes.
- Axes? Are those the axes? - Wh-I don't- Hey, man, do you know that song by the Darkness, "I Believe in a Thing Called Love"? Show these guys some guitars.
You don't own the song- No, that song is Ms.
Streisand's as long as she's on this planet.
But let me tell you something.
When she goes, it's gonna be my responsibility to sing it.
Do you know how insane you sound? It was completely inappropriate of her to try out without telling me.
Hey, roomies.
Talkin' about me? - No.
Why would you think that? - Why did you audition without telling me? Well, because I figured that we were going to fight about it anyway.
So we might as well go at it afterwards.
That way you don't have a chance to torpedo me.
Fanny Brice is a New York Jew.
You playing that role is like me being the grand marshal at the Puerto Rican Day parade.
What if you weren't playing Fanny? If you weren't playing the lead, and I auditioned to be the understudy would you still feel so strongly? I'm arguing on principle.
This is not personal.
Bull crap, Rachel.
You have all of this talk about forgiveness for high school but the reality is that you just love having something over me.
I mean, these past couple of months, with you in rehearsal and me waiting tables, has been such sweet revenge for you.
And you just can't stand the idea that I might get mine too.
I just got you on the cover of New York magazine.
In the background.
You were practically glowing about it.
That's because I accomplished something.
It had nothing to do with you.
No, see, it actually has everything to do with me.
Every step that you take in this city is fueled by all of the hate that we gave you.
All of that ambition is just you trying to prove us wrong, which is fine, Rachel.
I mean, whatever works for you.
Just don't try to say that it isn't.
Okay, wait.
Just chill for a second, please.
I'll make espresso.
You know what? You can't handle it.
You can't handle that I have made it, and you are just begging to be my understudy.
Okay, you know what? Just admit that even with all of your years of singing lessons and dancing lessons and only-child adoration from your gay Broadway dads that I am just as good as you.
Unlike you, I can be popular in high school and still make it big after graduation.
Just admit that no matter what you do or how far you go you will never be able to scratch that itch.
You will never be able to look down on me and redeem yourself.
Because I was better than you then, and I'm always gonna be better than you.
You are short, you are awful, and that is never gonna change.
I think you should move out.
I agree.
- This is crazy.
We're friends.
- Not really.
Hello? Yeah, good.
Okay.
Well, thank you for letting me know so soon.
Bye.
I'll see you at rehearsals, Berry.
I'm your new understudy.
- - Welcome, idiots, to the McKinley High valedictorian speech-off.
Your job today is to decide which of these speeches is slightly less awful.
That being said, allow me to present absolutely no one's favorite New Direction Tina Cohen-Chang.
My fellow graduates, I feel like I was a different person when I first arrived at McKinley High School four years ago.
I was a goth chick who was so intent on pushing people away that I pretended to have a stutter which I now understand wasn't even that convincing.
I wasn't even good at stuttering.
But then something in my life changed.
Someone, actually.
In fact that someone changed me.
And that person's name is Artie Abrams.
Artie, wait.
I'm really sorry.
It was an accident.
You're still one of my best friends, Artie.
I know you know that.
Ditto.
Artie has taught me how to not only be myself but he's an inspiration to high school students everywhere.
Sure, I've experienced adversity.
One Christmas, I was given a pair of mechanical legs that allowed me to walk for an hour before they promptly broke.
But I've never been so humbled as I was the moment Tina Cohen-Chang wiped a Slushee off of her gown and triumphantly returned to the stage to claim her rightful crown as prom queen.
That is why I respectfully withdraw myself from consideration and ask that Tina be named this year's valedictorian.
I believe he should be given the title of class valedictorian.
God, this can't be happening.
Is it a bridge too far to call Artie Abrams an American hero? - I think not.
- It's no exaggeration to say that Tina took my broken body in her arms and taught me how to love.
And as he strains to push his wheelchair up that ramp the ghosts of fallen heroes follow close behind: Rosa Parks, Mahatma Gandhi.
Artie Abrams holds high the torch of dignity.
So please, respected judges, cast your lot for Tina.
I beseech you, vote for Artie.
Tina Cohen-Chang teammate, sometime lover, patriot, friend.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
What a treacly, stomach-turning waste of everybody's time.
I hate you both.
The judges will now make their decision while I find a wastebasket to dry-heave mouthfuls of yellow bile into.
- What are you doing? - Putting makeup on.
I have some bruising on my cheek I'd like to cover up before rehearsal.
You may not know this, but the star gets her own vanity.
There is a perfectly fine bathroom mirror upstairs for the understudy.
I'm so sorry.
I totally forgot how much room you need for all that hooker makeup you plaster on every day.
I will totally slap you again.
I would love for things to get physical.
I will hit you so hard, you won't wake up until you're old enough to be Funny Lady.
You will never play this part.
You plan on getting all Showgirls crazy on me pushing me down the stairs and poisoning my oatmeal.
You're gonna have to kill me first.
And then, I will come back from the dead and I will play this part just to spite you.
- Zombie Fanny? - Ghost Fanny, actually.
What's this? Fighting? No, no, no.
No way, no fighting.
Okay, Rupert, this isn't gonna work.
Santana and I have a past.
Which, besides her being incredibly talented, is why she is here.
If you want to fill this house, we need all the press we can get.
I've got Pat Healy from the New York Times David Cote from Time Out, Adam Hetrick from Playbill.
Com all begging me to break the story of the two girls from the same high school in Ohio who made it big in the same Broadway show.
Two old friends finding fame, love and fortune in the big city.
Hell of a hook.
You're both going to get plenty of attention individually.
But it is a fact, as a team, you'll be twice as famous.
From now on, I want the two of you joined at the hip.
You'll both need to know every move Fanny makes in the show, starting with scene 14.
Rachel, you'll run through it first, then Santana.
I don't know what happened between you in the past.
Honestly, I don't really care.
It's all- Puppy dogs and rainbows from now till this show closes.
Well, at least we know who the rainbow is and who's the dog.
Bathroom's upstairs! Ah, T.
Rex? Oh, be still, my glam heart.
You know, there's this amazing flea market in Park Slope that we should go to.
- Ooh.
- I will help you pick out the perfect records to add to your collection.
I'm, uh, kind of magic like that.
And I am kind of magic at baking prepackaged goods with extra glazing.
- Ah, that looks amazing.
- Yes.
You know, Kurt-You know, this might sound a little bit weird but, um, I'm so glad that we've met.
You're the first gay friend I've made in the city that's not crazy or just trying to hook up.
- But I do know what you're doing.
- What's that? I'm not trying to take over your band, man.
That's what you're thinking, right? I mean, that's why we've been spending so much time together? You are kind of magic.
I'm sorry.
I-I just wanted to, you know, figure out exactly what your deal was.
Well, my deal is this.
You guys are awesome.
You're good people, you're talented and- You know what? So am I.
So let's not be these, like, smiley frenemies that backstab each other.
Let's go out and kick ass together.
I mean, I'm a part of your band.
Yeah, you are.
- - Okay, let's document this moment, shall we? - Yes, I think this calls for a Pamela Lansbury selfie.
- Great.
- Oh! See- - I was still chewing.
- Sorry, let's take a look.
- We- - No, we're doing that again.
Yeah, we're doing that again.
- That's awful.
One, two-Be super cute.
Oh! Cute! Oh! - Well, the judges have spoken.
- And? Congratulations, morons.
You split the vote.
It's a tie.
- Are you serious? - Yes, I am, Make-a-Wish.
Now I have no choice but to make you co-salutatorians.
And elevate the student ranked number three to the class valedictorian.
- Who? - Blaine Anderson.
What? I'm really sorry, guys.
I feel terrible.
Don't be.
If we can't be valedictorian, we're glad it's you.
No, no.
But you two deserve it.
I mean, come on, you guys have a higher grade point average.
I know this sounds like a humblebrag but honestly, I feel like sometimes things just get handed to me.
Really? Hmm.
I never noticed that.
Like how Mr.
Schue gives me more solos than anyone- Gay Blaine, Gay Blaine! When did you break up with Pancake Face? Uh, Becky, I'd really appreciate it if you didn't call my fiancé "Pancake Face.
" And, no, we're not broken up.
Yeah, you are.
What? Um, that's a-that's a great photo, Becky.
But don't worry.
Kurt and Elliott are just friends.
Just friends, my ass.
Speaking of ass, Pancake Face is getting some.
Oh, snap! Tina and Artie have both demurred from having solos at nationals so we're still looking for someone to step up.
- Uh, Mr.
Schue? - You already have a solo, Blaine.
Thank you, Tina.
This is about something else.
As you may have all heard, I have been asked, oddly to be valedictorian this year.
And so, I thought, instead of boring everybody with a traditional valedictorian speech where I tell people to follow their dreams, and blah, blah, blah I could actually affect people by singing.
So I was hoping you guys could help me brainstorm some graduation songs.
I literally cannot wait to watch Principal Sylvester assassinate you.
Look, I know you guys both really wanted it.
That's why I want both of you to sing with me.
Whatever song we pick, we should pick together.
And you should both definitely have solos.
And, Tina, we could film rehearsal and send it to Brown.
They're so artsy and progressive that I'm sure once they see it they're just gonna open up those Van Wickle gates for you.
They better open them really wide.
Oh, Blainy Days.
- Well, if we're gonna go down, I'm honored to go down together.
- Yes! That's right! That's that spirit I like! We all can't live here anymore.
One of us has to go.
I have paid rent here for three months.
And even though I never actually got to have a bed, uh, I have squatter's rights.
Kurt, you're the deciding vote.
I should pack my stuff now, 'cause we know who he's gonna side with.
I'm picking neither of you.
Okay? This is ridiculous.
We are friends.
I'm not gonna let this break us up.
This is betrayal, Kurt, okay? This is exactly how friends break up.
I mean, she auditioned for your understudy, Rachel.
How is that betrayal? Let me break it down for you.
The sole purpose of an understudy is to hope that the lead never goes on.
She only wins if I lose, and I can't be around this negative energy anymore.
- This is my big break, and she is poisoning it.
- Poison.
If she never went on that stage, this would be an important job for her.
I'm disappointed you can't find the generosity in your heart to see that.
You know what? If you think that she is just some babe in the woods who is perfectly fine with living off of the scraps off of my star sandwich well, then you are naive and willfully ignorant.
- She would kill for this part.
- Oh, yes, she has been awful to us before.
- But I believe her now.
- Look at that, Pasty Gay is siding with me.
I'm not siding with either of you.
I just want to order a pizza, sit down and talk.
You know what? You guys can do whatever you want in this apartment, because I'm leaving.
And let me tell you something, Santana.
You and I have been pretending to be friends ever since we did that stupid number in the choir room after graduation all happy and supportive.
But it's all crap, because you and I have never been friends.
Never have and never will be.
Rachel, no.
No.
No, you know what? Let her go.
Hey, leave the mattress though, would you? I am on the cusp of something that most people never even touch, a dream come true.
I am gonna be a star on Broadway.
And I am not gonna let one moment of this amazing, life-altering experience be ruined by two friends who aren't even my friends.
- That's it.
I'm done.
I'm leaving.
- Okay, cool.
Rachel's got the lead in Funny Girl and Santana doesn't know what she wants to do.
Bad yeast goes scat, with Yeast-l-Stat.
The New Directions are getting ready for college.
Artie's going to film school in Brooklyn, and Blaine auditioned for NYADA.
Kurt formed a band, but he's afraid Starchild's trying to steal the spotlight which is easy when you dress like a glam-rock Ebenezer Scrooge.
Thank you for your time, Starchild, but it's not a fit.
And that's what you missed on Glee.
Pardón.
Pardón.
Señorita.
Esos huevos no está caliente.
- Excuse me? - Oh, you speak English.
- I thought you were Mexican.
- I'm from Ohio.
Well, I didn't know there were Mexicans in Ohio.
- Okay.
- These eggs are cold.
I need new ones.
There's steam coming off of them.
I happen to know that eggs carry salmonella and I like them cooked extra hot to kill any parasites.
Rápido, por favor.
Okay, I was certain that you were gonna go all Lima Heights Adjacent and just throw those eggs on that lady's face just now.
No, I need this job.
I'm saving up to buy a noose to hang myself with.
Hey.
Wait, what's going on? Talk to me.
It's just not what I expected, you know.
I'm awesome.
I thought I'd come here and everyone would see that too.
What do you mean? You got a national commercial within a month of being here.
Yes, and now everywhere I go, I am known as the girl with the raging yeast infection.
The other day, some customers made me take their toast back because looking at me made them lose their appetite for any bread products.
I'm sorry I'm complaining.
I'm fine.
No, you're not.
Look, it's okay to complain to me.
It means we're friends.
I think I just have this weird guilt-trip thing about being friends with you because I was so awful to you in high school.
Quinn and Britt hated you, too, and that's mostly just because you sucked so bad and you walked with that weird "feet pointing out" thing.
I made Quinn look like the boss, but I was really running the "hate on Rachel" parade.
It's fine, okay? I forgive you, and you just have to forgive yourself.
High school's over, and it's just me, you and Kurt here now.
Yes, and out of all three of us, I am crapping the bed the hardest.
I may be on top right now, but one day it'll be you.
You know, what you need right now is some good old pampering.
Oh, are you treating at the Korean spa? Better.
I'm gonna be on the cover of New York magazine.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
That's awesome.
I'm totally pretending not to be jealous.
No, I'm just kidding.
That's really cool.
It's just something that the publicist for the show set up to, like, introduce me to the world.
And I just-I feel like this is my moment where I've really arrived.
I'm really, really happy for you.
But what does this have to do with me getting pampered? There's gonna be models at the shoot.
I think I have enough juice to ask if you can be one.
You can get your hair done, your nails, your makeup, and there's free clothes.
Are you in? - Hells yes, I'm in.
- Yes.
Right after I spit in these eggs.
Hey, listen.
I really hope that I can be as cool as you when the roles are reversed.
You're a really good friend.
- I'm really proud of us.
- Why is that? Because even after you and I broke up we were able to stay friends and continue our tradition of Tuesday lunch together.
It's also a good way to avoid the cafeteria on Taco Tuesdays when they use Grade D prison meat that can legally contain up to five percent insect larva.
Still, I'm gonna miss us next year when you're at Brown and I'm at film school in Brooklyn.
I got wait-listed at Brown.
Oh, you'll get in.
You know how many students make it off the wait list? Two percent.
The only other schools I applied to were Ohio State and that dumb vet school.
I really wanted to get out of this place, you know? Expand my horizons? I don't think that's in the cards for me now.
Well, listen.
We have, what? A couple more Tuesdays at McKinley? Let's make them count.
Tuesday lunch is about music that'll cheer you up.
'Cause the only thing you'll be doing next year is knitting scarves for those chilly Ivy League winters.
That's a really flimsy segue, Artie.
Ugh! Close the door when you're singin' crap like that.
Hey, Becky, can we help you with something? Yeah.
Quit staring at my boobs.
Tina, Artie, Principal Sylvester wants to see you in her office! Stumbles, Tina Warrior Princess graduation is fast-approaching and it is time to award the title of senior class valedictorian.
Now as you are respectively a loner Asian, who has trouble making friends and a nasal, Muppetty disabled kid in a wheelchair it should come as no surprise to you both that you're at the head of your class.
In fact, you're tied for number one.
- Tied? - How is that possible? Identical G.
P.
A.
's, extracurriculars and you both have perfect attendance.
Now, unlike some members of the Glee Club who come and go for months at a time with no explanation you two losers are always in that choir room.
Even if for an entire week, the only thing you have to do is say something inconsequential like, "Kitty's right," or, "Blaine, are you serious?" Wait, we can't both be valedictorian.
Not in my world.
And that is why we're going to settle this with a friendly little competition.
As you know, the valedictorian gives the speech at graduation.
At the end of this week, you will both deliver your speeches to a blue-ribbon panel of idiots of my choosing.
Whoever wins will be crowned valedictorian.
- That sound fair? - No, actually it doesn't.
Life isn't fair, Abrams! Good.
Then it's settled.
Oh, and, uh, let this stand as a warning to you both.
If, during the middle of your speeches you decide to abandon your prepared text in favor of a musical number because the emotions you're feeling are just so complex they can only be expressed in song I promise you, I will dedicate my life to making sure that every beverage you drink until the day you die will have just a tiny little bit of my pee in it.
Oh, my God.
Can you believe all the amazing dresses they pulled for this shoot? And all these girls are like the new up-and-comers from Juilliard and Harvard and Yale.
- That girl-Look, but don't really look- - Oh.
She just got the lead on AMC's new show about Victorian prostitutes.
I'm so nervous, but I don't know if it's because I'm excited or scared.
- This is so amazing.
- Berry-Berry, you look amazing.
- Okay.
- Own it.
- You are exactly where you're supposed to be.
- Thank you.
- Okay, good luck.
- Okay, here I go.
- Tell me if I look good.
- Okay- Santana.
Come on.
Go to wardrobe.
Get dressed.
Okay.
No need to write a speech.
I wrote it for you.
"In the hallowed halls of McKinley High one name rises to the top Tina Cohen-Chang.
There is no other choice for valedictorian.
I humbly drop out.
" No me gusta.
Artie, I need valedictorian in order to guarantee my acceptance to Brown.
If I don't get in, I'm screwed.
Please, take the fall for me.
No, it's not my fault you didn't apply to enough schools.
Maybe I was too busy making costumes and building sets and swaying in the background while everybody else was front and center.
You always get everything you want, and I get nothing! Woman, are you insane? You just won prom queen.
Which counts against me.
I read online that college admission directors think that high school prom queens are self-centered attention whores.
- Exactly.
- Excuse me? It's time you heard this.
The whole school's been talking about it.
Everyone's convinced that sometime between junior and senior year an alien invaded your body and made you shallow and desperate.
Says the nerd who's dating the Cheerio.
Says the hag who vapo-raped Blaine.
That was blown totally out of proportion, and yeah I had a little crush on a guy who could never love me.
But is that any different than you having a crush on a girl who can't possibly love you? - Kitty does love me.
- Please! She's obviously using you for some kind of sick charity project.
And you're using her too.
That's what your speech can be about how you're making a sad, last-ditch effort to be popular by dating McKinley's biggest bitch.
Actually, Tina, you're McKinley's biggest bitch.
And I'm gonna win this.
I don't know, Kurt.
Don't you think you might be overreacting? If anything, I'm underreacting.
Starchild is trying to take over the band.
The soul of Pamela Lansbury is hanging in the balance.
It all started when Elliott scored an interview in the Village Voice.
And he said, "I feel so alive right now.
Nothing means more to me than my band.
" - That's great, isn't it? - He's calling it his band, Blaine.
Okay, and not five minutes ago do I get a text from him that says "Oh, my God, I just wrote a new song that we have," in all caps, "GOT TO DO.
" - I mean, he's a psychopath.
- Kurt, I gotta go.
But look, if you're really concerned about Elliott, don't let on, even for a second.
Remember the old adage, "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer"? I love you.
All right, ladies, remember, we got band rehearsal tonight.
Kurt, I'm sorry, I just- I can't.
- What? - Wait, what? Why? Santana, don't start with me right now.
They're auditioning my understudy today, and I have to be there.
I told them it's ridiculous because it's not like I'm ever gonna miss a performance or anything.
Just-It must be an insurance thing, right? Okay, well, hold up.
If Berry's not coming, then neither am I.
Guys, we're in a band.
We have to practice.
Kurt, I would think that you would understand all of the emotional stress that I'm under right now and I need you guys to just be a little supportive.
It's just-It's really hard being a star.
Hey, guys, it's coming down to the wire.
We have a very important decision to make.
Yes.
My wig is either gonna be Anna Wintour chic, or Pam Grier fabulousness.
I'm not ready to make a decision.
Okay, so we have two solos at nationals and since Blaine was voted the new Rachel, obviously he's got one.
So, who is gonna step up and take center stage? - I'd like to nominate myself.
- Shocker.
And you think you're gonna carry us to victory? Actually, Mr.
Schue, I think I'd like to compete with Tina for that second spot.
Well, I think we should have a sing-off, right here, right now.
Little help, guys? Now it's time for a breakdown.
Oh, Artie, I'm so sorry.
I didn't mean to.
It's fine.
Fine.
When the girls bailed, I almost canceled rehearsal.
But then I thought, "Why can't it just be the boys today?" Why not use this as a great opportunity to get to know my new friend Elliott? - Cucumber sandwich? - Thank you, yeah.
So, let's break it down Andy Cohen style.
How long have you been performing? 'Cause you are extremely confident out there on that stage.
- No.
- Like you've been doin' it your whole life.
And dare I say it, you might be the breakout star of Pamela Lansbury.
- Well, I am.
- Sorry? Come on, now.
I mean, I-Everybody's bringing something essential to the mix.
Right, right, said Beyoncé right before she left Destiny's Child.
- She was better, more talented.
- No, but you were saying something- Uh, yeah, I guess the first time on stage was fifth grade.
Uh, I played Schroeder in You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown.
Oh, well, how does one go from Schroeder to Starchild? What is that journey like? - Well, I- - Ruthless and-and full of ambition, I-I-I imagine.
Qualities that I admire, of course, and, you know, wish I had more of myself.
Um, I started with, um, singing lessons and piano and-and I just started taking guitar.
- Would you teach me? - Have you ever played? Oh, yeah, a little, I-I-I think I know the-the basic chords.
But I'm nowhere near your level of virtuosity.
- I'm not that good.
- Oh, will you stop downplaying yourself? You- are amazing.
I mean, you could easily be the front man of our band, if you wanted to be- - Do you? - Yes.
Come again? You know what, Kurt? If you really wanna learn, you should- you should get your own guitar.
You know, something that suits your personality and your style.
You know, having the right instrument makes a huge difference.
Great.
Thank you.
- We will call.
- Thank you.
Oof! I mean, no wonder you hired me for this part.
No one can sing in this town.
- I hired you because you are spectacular.
- And incredibly healthy.
I plan on wearing one of those surgical masks that Chinese people wear once we're up and running, because I do not get sick.
Which is why I don't need an understudy.
The union says you need an understudy.
So does the producer, so does our insurance company, so do I.
- Fine.
How many more people do we have left? - Just a few.
- Santana Lopez.
- What? Holy moley.
That was amazing.
Who are you? I mean, who submitted you? Well, actually, I heard about this audition from Rachel.
We're roommates, and we went to high school together.
One high school produced both of you? Rachel, why didn't you tell me about her? Uh- - I'm so excited that we're doing this, Elliott.
- - After this, I thought we could second-act Pippin.
- Ooh.
- And then we could go to Angus's for after-theater cocktails.
- Oh, yeah.
Looking for anything in particular? Yeah.
My friend's in the market for a new guitar.
Don't touch the axes.
- Axes? Are those the axes? - Wh-I don't- Hey, man, do you know that song by the Darkness, "I Believe in a Thing Called Love"? Show these guys some guitars.
You don't own the song- No, that song is Ms.
Streisand's as long as she's on this planet.
But let me tell you something.
When she goes, it's gonna be my responsibility to sing it.
Do you know how insane you sound? It was completely inappropriate of her to try out without telling me.
Hey, roomies.
Talkin' about me? - No.
Why would you think that? - Why did you audition without telling me? Well, because I figured that we were going to fight about it anyway.
So we might as well go at it afterwards.
That way you don't have a chance to torpedo me.
Fanny Brice is a New York Jew.
You playing that role is like me being the grand marshal at the Puerto Rican Day parade.
What if you weren't playing Fanny? If you weren't playing the lead, and I auditioned to be the understudy would you still feel so strongly? I'm arguing on principle.
This is not personal.
Bull crap, Rachel.
You have all of this talk about forgiveness for high school but the reality is that you just love having something over me.
I mean, these past couple of months, with you in rehearsal and me waiting tables, has been such sweet revenge for you.
And you just can't stand the idea that I might get mine too.
I just got you on the cover of New York magazine.
In the background.
You were practically glowing about it.
That's because I accomplished something.
It had nothing to do with you.
No, see, it actually has everything to do with me.
Every step that you take in this city is fueled by all of the hate that we gave you.
All of that ambition is just you trying to prove us wrong, which is fine, Rachel.
I mean, whatever works for you.
Just don't try to say that it isn't.
Okay, wait.
Just chill for a second, please.
I'll make espresso.
You know what? You can't handle it.
You can't handle that I have made it, and you are just begging to be my understudy.
Okay, you know what? Just admit that even with all of your years of singing lessons and dancing lessons and only-child adoration from your gay Broadway dads that I am just as good as you.
Unlike you, I can be popular in high school and still make it big after graduation.
Just admit that no matter what you do or how far you go you will never be able to scratch that itch.
You will never be able to look down on me and redeem yourself.
Because I was better than you then, and I'm always gonna be better than you.
You are short, you are awful, and that is never gonna change.
I think you should move out.
I agree.
- This is crazy.
We're friends.
- Not really.
Hello? Yeah, good.
Okay.
Well, thank you for letting me know so soon.
Bye.
I'll see you at rehearsals, Berry.
I'm your new understudy.
- - Welcome, idiots, to the McKinley High valedictorian speech-off.
Your job today is to decide which of these speeches is slightly less awful.
That being said, allow me to present absolutely no one's favorite New Direction Tina Cohen-Chang.
My fellow graduates, I feel like I was a different person when I first arrived at McKinley High School four years ago.
I was a goth chick who was so intent on pushing people away that I pretended to have a stutter which I now understand wasn't even that convincing.
I wasn't even good at stuttering.
But then something in my life changed.
Someone, actually.
In fact that someone changed me.
And that person's name is Artie Abrams.
Artie, wait.
I'm really sorry.
It was an accident.
You're still one of my best friends, Artie.
I know you know that.
Ditto.
Artie has taught me how to not only be myself but he's an inspiration to high school students everywhere.
Sure, I've experienced adversity.
One Christmas, I was given a pair of mechanical legs that allowed me to walk for an hour before they promptly broke.
But I've never been so humbled as I was the moment Tina Cohen-Chang wiped a Slushee off of her gown and triumphantly returned to the stage to claim her rightful crown as prom queen.
That is why I respectfully withdraw myself from consideration and ask that Tina be named this year's valedictorian.
I believe he should be given the title of class valedictorian.
God, this can't be happening.
Is it a bridge too far to call Artie Abrams an American hero? - I think not.
- It's no exaggeration to say that Tina took my broken body in her arms and taught me how to love.
And as he strains to push his wheelchair up that ramp the ghosts of fallen heroes follow close behind: Rosa Parks, Mahatma Gandhi.
Artie Abrams holds high the torch of dignity.
So please, respected judges, cast your lot for Tina.
I beseech you, vote for Artie.
Tina Cohen-Chang teammate, sometime lover, patriot, friend.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
What a treacly, stomach-turning waste of everybody's time.
I hate you both.
The judges will now make their decision while I find a wastebasket to dry-heave mouthfuls of yellow bile into.
- What are you doing? - Putting makeup on.
I have some bruising on my cheek I'd like to cover up before rehearsal.
You may not know this, but the star gets her own vanity.
There is a perfectly fine bathroom mirror upstairs for the understudy.
I'm so sorry.
I totally forgot how much room you need for all that hooker makeup you plaster on every day.
I will totally slap you again.
I would love for things to get physical.
I will hit you so hard, you won't wake up until you're old enough to be Funny Lady.
You will never play this part.
You plan on getting all Showgirls crazy on me pushing me down the stairs and poisoning my oatmeal.
You're gonna have to kill me first.
And then, I will come back from the dead and I will play this part just to spite you.
- Zombie Fanny? - Ghost Fanny, actually.
What's this? Fighting? No, no, no.
No way, no fighting.
Okay, Rupert, this isn't gonna work.
Santana and I have a past.
Which, besides her being incredibly talented, is why she is here.
If you want to fill this house, we need all the press we can get.
I've got Pat Healy from the New York Times David Cote from Time Out, Adam Hetrick from Playbill.
Com all begging me to break the story of the two girls from the same high school in Ohio who made it big in the same Broadway show.
Two old friends finding fame, love and fortune in the big city.
Hell of a hook.
You're both going to get plenty of attention individually.
But it is a fact, as a team, you'll be twice as famous.
From now on, I want the two of you joined at the hip.
You'll both need to know every move Fanny makes in the show, starting with scene 14.
Rachel, you'll run through it first, then Santana.
I don't know what happened between you in the past.
Honestly, I don't really care.
It's all- Puppy dogs and rainbows from now till this show closes.
Well, at least we know who the rainbow is and who's the dog.
Bathroom's upstairs! Ah, T.
Rex? Oh, be still, my glam heart.
You know, there's this amazing flea market in Park Slope that we should go to.
- Ooh.
- I will help you pick out the perfect records to add to your collection.
I'm, uh, kind of magic like that.
And I am kind of magic at baking prepackaged goods with extra glazing.
- Ah, that looks amazing.
- Yes.
You know, Kurt-You know, this might sound a little bit weird but, um, I'm so glad that we've met.
You're the first gay friend I've made in the city that's not crazy or just trying to hook up.
- But I do know what you're doing.
- What's that? I'm not trying to take over your band, man.
That's what you're thinking, right? I mean, that's why we've been spending so much time together? You are kind of magic.
I'm sorry.
I-I just wanted to, you know, figure out exactly what your deal was.
Well, my deal is this.
You guys are awesome.
You're good people, you're talented and- You know what? So am I.
So let's not be these, like, smiley frenemies that backstab each other.
Let's go out and kick ass together.
I mean, I'm a part of your band.
Yeah, you are.
- - Okay, let's document this moment, shall we? - Yes, I think this calls for a Pamela Lansbury selfie.
- Great.
- Oh! See- - I was still chewing.
- Sorry, let's take a look.
- We- - No, we're doing that again.
Yeah, we're doing that again.
- That's awful.
One, two-Be super cute.
Oh! Cute! Oh! - Well, the judges have spoken.
- And? Congratulations, morons.
You split the vote.
It's a tie.
- Are you serious? - Yes, I am, Make-a-Wish.
Now I have no choice but to make you co-salutatorians.
And elevate the student ranked number three to the class valedictorian.
- Who? - Blaine Anderson.
What? I'm really sorry, guys.
I feel terrible.
Don't be.
If we can't be valedictorian, we're glad it's you.
No, no.
But you two deserve it.
I mean, come on, you guys have a higher grade point average.
I know this sounds like a humblebrag but honestly, I feel like sometimes things just get handed to me.
Really? Hmm.
I never noticed that.
Like how Mr.
Schue gives me more solos than anyone- Gay Blaine, Gay Blaine! When did you break up with Pancake Face? Uh, Becky, I'd really appreciate it if you didn't call my fiancé "Pancake Face.
" And, no, we're not broken up.
Yeah, you are.
What? Um, that's a-that's a great photo, Becky.
But don't worry.
Kurt and Elliott are just friends.
Just friends, my ass.
Speaking of ass, Pancake Face is getting some.
Oh, snap! Tina and Artie have both demurred from having solos at nationals so we're still looking for someone to step up.
- Uh, Mr.
Schue? - You already have a solo, Blaine.
Thank you, Tina.
This is about something else.
As you may have all heard, I have been asked, oddly to be valedictorian this year.
And so, I thought, instead of boring everybody with a traditional valedictorian speech where I tell people to follow their dreams, and blah, blah, blah I could actually affect people by singing.
So I was hoping you guys could help me brainstorm some graduation songs.
I literally cannot wait to watch Principal Sylvester assassinate you.
Look, I know you guys both really wanted it.
That's why I want both of you to sing with me.
Whatever song we pick, we should pick together.
And you should both definitely have solos.
And, Tina, we could film rehearsal and send it to Brown.
They're so artsy and progressive that I'm sure once they see it they're just gonna open up those Van Wickle gates for you.
They better open them really wide.
Oh, Blainy Days.
- Well, if we're gonna go down, I'm honored to go down together.
- Yes! That's right! That's that spirit I like! We all can't live here anymore.
One of us has to go.
I have paid rent here for three months.
And even though I never actually got to have a bed, uh, I have squatter's rights.
Kurt, you're the deciding vote.
I should pack my stuff now, 'cause we know who he's gonna side with.
I'm picking neither of you.
Okay? This is ridiculous.
We are friends.
I'm not gonna let this break us up.
This is betrayal, Kurt, okay? This is exactly how friends break up.
I mean, she auditioned for your understudy, Rachel.
How is that betrayal? Let me break it down for you.
The sole purpose of an understudy is to hope that the lead never goes on.
She only wins if I lose, and I can't be around this negative energy anymore.
- This is my big break, and she is poisoning it.
- Poison.
If she never went on that stage, this would be an important job for her.
I'm disappointed you can't find the generosity in your heart to see that.
You know what? If you think that she is just some babe in the woods who is perfectly fine with living off of the scraps off of my star sandwich well, then you are naive and willfully ignorant.
- She would kill for this part.
- Oh, yes, she has been awful to us before.
- But I believe her now.
- Look at that, Pasty Gay is siding with me.
I'm not siding with either of you.
I just want to order a pizza, sit down and talk.
You know what? You guys can do whatever you want in this apartment, because I'm leaving.
And let me tell you something, Santana.
You and I have been pretending to be friends ever since we did that stupid number in the choir room after graduation all happy and supportive.
But it's all crap, because you and I have never been friends.
Never have and never will be.
Rachel, no.
No.
No, you know what? Let her go.
Hey, leave the mattress though, would you? I am on the cusp of something that most people never even touch, a dream come true.
I am gonna be a star on Broadway.
And I am not gonna let one moment of this amazing, life-altering experience be ruined by two friends who aren't even my friends.
- That's it.
I'm done.
I'm leaving.
- Okay, cool.