Hercules: The Legendary Journeys s05e09 Episode Script
For Those of You Just Joining Us
Everybody, run! Get out of here! Time for a new plan.
What do ya got? I got a good one.
What? Run like Tartarus.
Yeah.
Let me get this straight, Tapert.
Hercules versus a chicken? You know, that's not fair.
It was a giant chicken.
You're the executive producer of this show.
This is your idea of quality programming? Come on, B.
S.
You know me better than that.
I've never cared about quality.
You don't have to tell me twice.
I saw last season.
First, you turn Hercules into a pig.
Now this.
- What's your thing with animals anyway, huh? - Why? What have you heard? This is your last chance, buddy.
I want action.
I want romance.
I wanna see Salmonius on more episodes, and I want the stories on my desk by the end of the week, or you're gonna be in a theme park selling cotton candy dressed as Woody Woodpecker.
Now get out of here before I throw you out.
Ho-ho-ho, spinach chin.
I'd like to see you try.
Whoa! Melissa, turn on the lights, will ya? Anything broken? I don't think so.
Damn! Hollinsfoffer wants a bunch of new story ideas by end of week, or it's fade out on me.
What's the bad news? Melissa, rally the troops.
I'm declaring a state of emergency.
Oh, my God.
It's Kevin Sorbo.
Oh! Oh! Mama! Mama! Oh, the humanity.
So, how's about an autograph for your dear old brother? Why don't you write to the studio, Ares? I'm sure they'll be happy to send you one.
Oh, yeah.
Baywatch, B.
C.
Seems your loyal staff found themselves in something of a crunch.
If they don't deliver by tomorrow, Hollinsfoffer will drop the ax.
He's the head of the studio.
What does he know? What about those cheesy blue-screen effects? They look so fake.
Ares, what do you want? - Merchandising rights.
- Get in line.
I deserve some compensation for the weekly slander I have to endure.
After 5,000 years, nothing has changed, Ares.
You're still a whiner.
And you are still living a lie.
It's only a matter of time before people find out that "Kevin Sorbo" is the real myth.
Hey, would you look at that? What? This is where you get out.
You son of a You should always wear your seat belt.
Jerry! Thank God you're here.
Look.
Don't touch.
I just got a call.
They told us to pack our bags.
They're shipping us out, aren't they? Why, Jerry, why? Because we've all gotta learn to work together, that's why.
To be creative in a crunch.
To boost overall morale.
By the way, Paul, your last script sucked.
I'll change my ways.
I promise.
I'll only drink when I'm awake.
I'll tip all the showgirls.
Snap out of it, man! We've all gotta do a lot better than that if we're gonna save this show.
So I've taken the liberty of hiring professional help.
It's about time.
All aboard.
Clear your calendars, crew.
We're going on a corporate retreat.
Uh This is the story of a time long ago, a time of myth and legend, when the ancient gods were petty and cruel, and they plagued mankind with suffering.
Only one man dared to challenge their power Hercules.
Hercules possessed a strength the world had never seen, a strength surpassed only by the power of his heart.
He journeyed the earth, battling the minions of his wicked stepmother, Hera, the all-powerful queen of the gods.
But wherever there was evil, wherever an innocent would suffer, there would be Hercules.
Hail! Gee, Rob, you spared no expense.
Oh, no.
You really didn't.
Whoa.
I'm allergic to bees.
If I get stung, I'm gonna swell up like a hog.
I'll be glad to put you down before it comes to that.
No time like the present, Jerry, that's what I always say.
Well, howdy y'all, y'all.
Welcome to Camp Wannachuck, where every day you'll see a sunny day.
'Cause that's my name, Sunny Day.
- Pray for rain.
- Now, right behind you is my lovely assistant, Norma Bates.
Hey, girl! - Ew.
- Now here on the homestead, we'll be combining corporate reengineering techniques with ancient Navajo rituals to enhance the efficiency of your overall group dynamic.
Now, can you say "Navajo?" Navajo! Navajo.
Well, bravo-ho.
Except for you, Mr.
Mustache.
Let's get those pipes a - chiming.
Eeny, meeny, miney, die.
For God's sakes, Jerry, what are you doing? He signs all our checks! - I'll save you the hand.
- Go for it, muscle sprout.
It'll save me the torture of having to read another one of your crappy scripts! I'll split you like a chicken, boy.
That is a Camp Wannachuck time-out.
Now, I can see we've got a long and winding road ahead of us.
So let's get to work, shall we? Now, this is the Camp Wannachuck trust exercise.
Mr.
Tapert, a good leader has to learn to trust his employees.
After all, you can't do everything yourself.
- He can't do anything himself.
- Oh.
Now, Mr.
T.
here is gonna fall off this table, and y'all are gonna catch him in your arms to keep him from breaking his ass.
- What? - Don't be nervous, Mr.
T.
Your staff loves you.
Okay, Sunny Day.
But don't forget if this doesn't work, the check hasn't cleared.
Come on, Rob.
Come on.
Come on.
- Come on.
- We're here for ya.
Come to Mama.
- Whoopsy daisy.
- Rob! Rob! Are you okay, buddy? Come on.
Speak to me, Rob.
We hate to lose you, buddy.
Come on.
There you go.
- Is he dead? - Don't tease me.
Three cheers for Camp Wannachuck.
- Hooray! - Good.
We can go now.
I got it! I know how we're gonna start the season.
We're gonna kill Herc's little buddy, lolaus.
How original.
Huh? We've only killed him twice already.
But this time it'll be for good.
We'll kill him in such a way that he'll never recover, like like spontaneous combustion.
Friends forever.
Right, Herc? Or Or get this.
Friends forever.
Right, Herc? Or we'll just kill him the old-fashioned Acme way.
Friends forever.
Right, Herc? Just one of those days.
Kill lolaus? Is that a good idea? No, Paul, it's not a good idea.
It's a brilliant idea! So unless anybody has any further objections Well, now that you mention it.
Ten-hut! Kevin Sorbo.
Hey, sorry I'm late, folks.
Oh, Kevin.
They're gonna k- kill lolaus.
But lolaus lived to be a hundred years old.
Uh, what the hell you talking about, Sorborino? Uh, never mind.
Look, if you're gonna kill lolaus again, let him die like the hero he was.
Is.
You know, I mean, on the show.
What if Hercules was needed beyond the shores of Greece? You know, someplace he's never been before, like Sumeria.
I've sent for a man across the seas.
Perhaps with his help, we can restore our homeland to its former glory.
It is an honor to have you here, Hercules.
The honor is mine, King Gilgamesh.
The nectar flows from this chalice.
But it was hidden by the gods in the middle of the pyramid protected by a series of trials.
- Only those with the blood of a god can reach it.
- What are we waiting for? Let's grab some of that nectar and get out of here.
After you, my friend.
Now Hercules has never been betrayed before.
What if Gilgamesh were the first? None left for the gods.
What a pity.
Soon, the world will tremble with the arrival of Dahak.
All he needs is the sacrifice of a warrior heart.
Nebula! No! lolaus! Hang in there, buddy.
I can't.
Sure you can.
Come on.
Hercules.
But what do I know? I'm just an actor.
An actor with vision! Everybody, give it up for the big Sorbowsky.
I think I got something in my eye.
Now, you see? This is the kind of emotional outpouring that'll bring y'all closer together and land your little empire a top spot in theForbes500.
Did I hear a tummy rumbling? Who's ready for lunch? Well, all right.
Kevin, how'd you like to wrestle Xena on pay-per-view? Uh, I'll get back to you on that.
Say, Melissa.
You know I'm an organ donor? Really? Yeah.
Need anything? You know, Paul, having a conversation with you is like being in a coma without the advantages.
Uh-huh.
So, is that a yes? Lunch is served.
Mm-mm! Smells just like Mama used to make.
My condolences.
Thanks.
Pass that down here.
I'm starving.
Chow down, gang.
I'm so hungry, I could eat a Hydra.
Oops.
Uh, sorry.
My fault.
Kevin Sorbo, I would like to shake your hand, sir.
Why? Did y'all see how Kevin here took responsibility for his mistake? He wasn't afraid to step forward and admit "I am a screwup!" Thanks, I think.
A true sign of character is knowing when to say, "The buck stops here.
" Which one of our illustrious presidents had that very motto on his desk? I know it.
I know it! Our 33rd president, and a great American, Mr.
Harry S.
Truman! Hoo-yah! I think they dropped the bomb in the wrong place.
Well, gang, it's time to move on.
Time for our next corporate conundrum.
Now, folks, this is what we call a sweat lodge.
It's a traditional Navajo ritual designed to put you in touch with the underlying orgone energy that permeates the universe.
What the hell is she talking about, Sorbosaurus? Getting in touch with our spiritual sides.
Is that gonna cost me extra? Well, I'm just gonna skedaddle.
Leave your creative juices to start flowing.
Norma.
Now I wouldn't stay in here too long or your brains will fry like little eggies.
I thinks she speaks from experience.
I gotta get out of here! I get a rash in small spaces.
I I can't breathe! I need mouth-to-mouth.
Well, I thought I'd seen it all.
Nothing compares to the horror of seeing Paul in his skivvies.
How about Yanni live at the Acropolis? I stand corrected.
God knows I'm not paid enough to give you people story ideas, but how 'bout we do a show on Hercules's spiritual side? Say, Melissa, that's not a bad idea.
I got just the thing.
Picture this.
Good afternoon.
Would you care to make a donation to the Church of Soul and Consciousness? Get lost! Huh? Huh? I don't mean to interrupt, but you're overlooking the inherent contradiction of taking a character on a spiritual journey when his very identity is predicated on a conflict with the gods.
Of course, I'm presupposing that spirituality is unique to personifiable deities.
And I'm not sure that's a message we wanna send.
Hmm.
Never mind.
Look.
For Hercules, losing lolaus is like losing a part of himself.
He can't just go on like nothing happened.
I mean, he'd have to question everything that he ever believed in.
You are the Chosen One.
The Druid priests have called you here to lead us to freedom! Come with us.
Rest.
You'll need your strength.
My strength is useless.
And you can't win a fight if you don't believe in yourself.
Especially against another half-god.
I want the Druids.
You can keep your Chosen One.
And you know, sometimes help can come in a form you least expect.
How can someone who champions mankind with all its flaws be so unforgiving of himself? Because my mistakes kill people.
Stay with me and I can help you find the path you're looking for.
What if this Druid, Maybon, were to help Hercules see things in a whole new way? The blood of a god flows through your veins, but your true strength comes from your heart.
You must learn to listen to your heart again.
If you can slow its rhythm, it will sustain you when you need it most, even under the water.
And Hercules can use these new skills he's learned to defeat Morrigan.
If Morrigan dies, the spirit of Justice dies with her.
Now Hercules is going to have to protect his enemy, which sets up a great conflict for the next episode.
But what do I know? I'm just an actor.
An actor with guts! Score another one for El Sorbo Loco, huh.
Give it up! Oh, hey, hey.
Thank you, everybody.
Thank you.
What happened? What happened? I'll tell you what happened.
Sorbo the Greek here's coming up with all the great story ideas while you two so-called writers are sitting there cooking like a couple of ballpark wieners.
What the hell you trying to say, Tapert? What's the matter, Jerry? Lose your hillbilly decoder ring? Let me spell it out for you.
You stink out loud! You couldn't write a check.
Go, Jerry, go! Time to throw a Rob on the barbie! Hey! No! Kevin! Kevin! Guys, guys, come on.
We came to this retreat to learn how to work together.
Besides, Jerry and Paul have written some of our best scripts.
Yeah? Like what? I can't think of any offhand, but I'm sure they're out there.
- I appreciate that, Sorbo.
- Yeah.
I love you, man.
Thanks.
Okay.
Kevin's right.
We should be thinking about our next show.
Greece is for morons.
Hercules does Ireland.
Now that's chic.
Ireland? Hey, hey, now you're talking my lingo.
What about this? What a beautiful Irish spring.
Where's me Lucky Charms? I'm magically delicious.
Sometimes I'm so brilliant, it's frightening.
Well, you got it half right.
Hey, you know, it could be likeBraveheart.
Without the Oscars.
I swear, there ain't nothin' like an old-fashioned war story to keep the American public glued to the tube.
Well, it can't only be a war story.
Hercules has just made it through the hardest time in his life.
But he didn't do it alone.
Now he should return the favor to someone who needs him.
Something I can do for you gentlemen? We've come for Morrigan.
The council has decreed she's to be executed.
I won't let you do that.
She's one of the Druids now.
They chose her to be the Guardian of Justice.
Of course, Herc and Morrigan aren't going to get along right away.
Drink this.
So, you don't like tea.
Tidying me up for a proper execution, are you? Not that you'd notice, but I'm saving your life.
Don't make the mistake of thinking there's good in everybody, Hercules.
If anything, the opposite's true.
Even the best man's got a touch of evil in him, and it's just waiting for the right time to show itself.
But what if Morrigan weren't as bad as she claimed to be? What if she were under someone else's control? How could you let the Druids do this to me? You let your feelings get the better of you.
Just like a mortal.
I warn you.
Don't let your emotion lead you astray.
You won't like the consequences.
But Hercules could suspect something more.
- You're lovers, aren't you? - That ended a long time ago.
Then why does he still have such a hold on you? I have to obey him.
- I don't.
- You can never come between us.
We share a bond even you cannot break.
Let me introduce you to her.
This is Brigid.
She's our daughter.
And you know how Hercules gets when kids are in danger.
- You'd kill your own child? - I can always have more.
Not if I can help it.
Your rage is like none I've ever seen.
Join me, and we can divide the world.
- I've got a better idea.
- Hercules, no! Ya can't just kill him in cold blood, you know that.
Hercules.
Is this what you really want? You're lucky she's here.
Free from Cernunnus, Morrigan can finally become the person she's always wanted to be.
Ah, it's beautiful, sweetie.
It's just beautiful.
Come here.
But what do I know? I'm just an actor.
An actor with courage! Come on, gang.
It's Sorbopotamus: 3; Renaissance: 0.
We don't deserve to be sweating in this man's company.
Yeah.
Speaking of which, if I sit here another second, my towel's gonna start melting off.
Guys, you better go on ahead and we'll catch up later.
Oh, my God! What was that? Now we can start to sweat.
Well, I suppose after enough time with you people, death was inevitable.
Let me just say it's been a real detriment knowing you all.
I couldn't have said it better my own self.
Melissa, you know, before I go, there's something I'd like to, well I'd just like to play one round of naked leapfrog with you, please.
- Hey, look, everyone.
It's Mel Torme! - Where? Mel? - Where? - Mel Torme? Wow.
The door just fell off all by itself.
All right, everybody, let's vamoose.
We'll exit in order of descending salary.
Of course, Kevin, that would be you first.
I can't believe that somebody's trying to kill us.
If this keeps up, I may not be able to keep my identity a secret much longer.
How could those bastards cancelEllen? But Oswald couldn't have gotten off three shots in under five seconds with that Italian bolt-action rifle.
dd Rockets' red glare dd dd Bombs burstin' in air dd That's it! I can't stand it anymore! There's something really funny going on around here.
- In this episode there isn't.
- Paul's right.
We should hit the road.
All right.
Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.
"Momentito," Sorborito.
I paid a lot of money for this little shindig, so we're gonna stay here, even if it kills us.
Norma, honey, you know the rules.
In the closet by sundown.
Now, get.
Go on.
Get, get, get.
Sorry, folks.
I'm afraid she just hasn't been the same since Ginger Spice left the group.
Dear God in heaven, say it ain't so! I thought that I would just come around and offer up a little attaboy for a super successful first day.
And as a little reward, I've brought you all a plate of s'mores.
Why don't you just inject cellulite into my butt? Hey, no, no.
Nobody gets any s'mores.
We got a season to finish here.
Otherwise, it's ixnay ercules-Hey.
- What? - Come on, Sorborelli.
You know the drill.
We lie here like a bunch of White House interns while you stick it to us.
Come on.
Spit it out.
Well, if you think about it, Hercules has always fought against the gods because they only care about themselves.
What if he met a god who was different? My name's Balder.
This is my brother, Thor.
- And to take a hit like that, you must be a god too.
- You are? This is Hercules.
My brother, Loki.
Hi.
But as we know, goodness is always a target for the forces of darkness.
What do I do with this? With this, you'll kill a god.
Thor wanted to put my fears to rest.
He has.
I've been haunted by empty fantasies.
See for yourself.
Try to strike me dead.
How about this? You sure this is what you want? There.
Satisfied? - Thor.
- Balder! What happened to him? He's dead.
You killed him.
Now to get even with Loki, Hercules is gonna have to go through Thor.
Loki killed your brother.
Liar! But Herc's about to discover that destiny's been forcing his hand since the moment he arrived.
Somehow this paint affects fate.
You only paint what you see.
But Loki painted what he wanted to see.
And the paint made it happen.
- Where did you get that? - You stole yours from the Norn.
Used it to change fate.
See, Herc's always believed that destiny's what you make it.
Just because something's written in ink doesn't mean it's set in stone.
Not this time.
Catch.
The dart was poisoned.
Loki just tried to kill you.
I hate it when a plan falls apart.
So for the first time in his life, Hercules finds a god worth saving.
Goodness gracious! How do you manage to paint such a vivid picture of the ancient Germanic territory, sir? I declare, it's like you were actually there.
I, uh, read a lot.
Huh.
Wait a minute.
Hercules saved the Norse gods, but whoever helped Loki's still out there.
Whoo, doggie.
Looks like actor boy don't know everything now, does he? Actually, Jerry, I left that open so we could build up the mystery of a new villain for the next episode.
Are you two losers done yet? Boo-yah! Now we're done.
Go on with your epic, Sorbolucci.
We're all ears.
Okay.
Uh, what's the one thing that Hercules fears the most? Uh, oh, oh.
Anybody? Losing the people that he cares about.
Oh.
We could have this new villain prey on that.
What if Hercules returned to Ireland to say his last good-byes to Morrigan? What will you be doing now? I guess I'll head back to Greece.
After all that's happened, I wonder if it'll still feel like home.
Then stay here with me.
We could make this our home together.
Everybody I get close to dies.
What are you talking about? My family, my friends, they're all dead.
I can't take the risk that you'd follow them.
And who better to give advice on matters of the heart but an old friend? You were raised a half-god among humans.
She a half-human among gods.
Similar wounds cause similar scars.
What heals one wound Heals another.
Maybe I taught you something after all.
And so for the first time in a long time, Hercules could open his heart again.
Was it just me, or were you wanting to say something? Um, just that this is nice.
Hmm.
But of course, there's always a calm before the storm.
No! Who did this? He's from outside this world.
A thing of evil and incarnate darkness.
Dahak.
Mmm.
But what do I know? I'm just an actor.
An actor with heart.
Well, we got enough material to get started.
Pack your bags, folks, 'cause we're going home.
- I heard that.
- I'm sorry, folks.
I'm afraid I just can't allow that.
I don't like the looks of this, no, sir.
Me neither.
Quit pushing.
I don't wanna die.
Don't be shy, folks.
No one will hear you from deep in this conveniently placed and totally abandoned mine.
So feel free to scream when I shoot ya.
I can't believe it.
It was Sunny Day all along.
Why, Sunny, why? No, sirree.
I have watched too much TV to reveal the motives behind my dastardly plan before I plug ya.
I know now's not the best time, but this gives me a great story idea.
Cough it up, Sorbs.
The sands are running.
Who's the last person in the world you'd expect to betray Hercules? - Could you give us a minute? - Make it quick.
What about the kid? It's gotta be the little guy.
I sign the paychecks.
That's what it's gonna be.
Okay, I'll go along.
The rest of you block.
Okay, one, two, three.
Break! Falafel.
- That's not exactly what I had in mind.
- Shoot! Well, who could it possibly be? Dahak needed a warrior heart to enter the world, right? Well, what if Nebula wasn't the only one who had what he was looking for? The last person you'd expect to betray Hercules is the man he's been closest to his whole life.
Hercules.
Boo.
You may have his body, but you're not lolaus.
Then who am I? I guess this is a question everybody asks themselves sooner or later.
Don't you think? All Dahak needed was a warrior heart.
So when little lolaus sacrificed himself for the fair maiden Nebula, Dahak had everything he needed.
And now Hercules will face the most difficult challenge of his life trying to defeat his best friend.
On three Two.
One.
Hercules, you've gotta help me.
Please.
Come on.
I knew you couldn't kill me.
You're still holding on to what we were.
Well, it's time to grow up.
It will be a whole new day in Greece, buddy.
What happened? He's headed for Greece.
So why are we standing about? Let's do some damage.
All right then We stop Dahak together, or we die trying.
But what do I know? I'm just an actor.
An actor with spunk.
An actor with pizzazz.
An actor with ten seconds to live.
Well, it would have been a great season if we'd just lived to see it.
Don't hurt them, Sunny.
- Take me instead.
- With pleasure.
Say, sayonara, Sorbo.
Kevin, no! Hey Oh, let go! - Let go! - Don't fight it.
Oh, my God! Lord have mercy! Why'd you do it, Sunny? Allow me.
B.
S.
Hollinsfoffer! I would have gotten away with it, too, if it hadn't been for you meddling kids.
- Kevin, how did you know? - I'm glad you asked.
It all started at lunch when I caught wind of a strange smell.
At first, I thought it was Paul.
But then I realized it was a rare and untraceable poison secreted only from the eyelids of the Galapagos Island lava lizards.
That's why you knocked over the stew to save our lives.
That's right, Melissa.
And on my way to the sweat lodge, the plot thickened when I heard singing coming from cabin number two.
Figaro, figaro figaro, figaro Figaro, figa Oh, Kevin, what a surprise.
I was just gonna meet you folks at the sweat lodge.
I'll see you there.
I thought Sunny was just a tenor.
But then it dawned on me.
Maybe she's not who she claims to be.
But how did you know it was B.
S.
Hollinsfoffer? I didn't.
Not until Sunny and Norma came into the sweat lodge.
When no one was looking, she handed me a note.
Now, folks, this is what we call a sweat lodge.
It's a traditional Navajo ritual.
That's when I put it all together.
So, we know who Sunny is, but who's Norma? Studio security, sir.
We knew we had a traitor on the inside, but I couldn't make my move until I was sure.
Thought you could get away with it, huh? You make me sick.
I was gonna drive you all to kill each other with these ridiculous group exercises until Sorbo showed up.
Then I realized I'd no choice but to do the job myself.
Leaves only question to be asked Why'd you do it, B.
S.
? Because you've got the world believing that good always triumphs over evil.
And I just can't have that.
- Oh - My - God - Of - War.
Get used to it, Ares.
No matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, you'll never break our spirits, because there's a little Hercules in everyone just waiting to come out.
This is not over, people.
And, you.
What a disappointment you turned out to be.
Wait.
- You promised me my own network.
- Did I say that? Yeah.
I'm sorry.
And I've always wanted to say this, but you will never work in this town again.
- Let's go! - You haven't seen the last of me.
- Wherever there's television, there will always be B.
S.
! - He's got that right.
Into the slammer, you traitor! Excuse me, but doesn't it worry anyone that the God of War is real? I find it kind of comforting myself.
I wonder if he's interested in his own spin-off.
Wait a minute.
If Ares is real, doesn't that mean there's a real Hercules out there too? Don't look at me.
I'm just an actor.
What do ya got? I got a good one.
What? Run like Tartarus.
Yeah.
Let me get this straight, Tapert.
Hercules versus a chicken? You know, that's not fair.
It was a giant chicken.
You're the executive producer of this show.
This is your idea of quality programming? Come on, B.
S.
You know me better than that.
I've never cared about quality.
You don't have to tell me twice.
I saw last season.
First, you turn Hercules into a pig.
Now this.
- What's your thing with animals anyway, huh? - Why? What have you heard? This is your last chance, buddy.
I want action.
I want romance.
I wanna see Salmonius on more episodes, and I want the stories on my desk by the end of the week, or you're gonna be in a theme park selling cotton candy dressed as Woody Woodpecker.
Now get out of here before I throw you out.
Ho-ho-ho, spinach chin.
I'd like to see you try.
Whoa! Melissa, turn on the lights, will ya? Anything broken? I don't think so.
Damn! Hollinsfoffer wants a bunch of new story ideas by end of week, or it's fade out on me.
What's the bad news? Melissa, rally the troops.
I'm declaring a state of emergency.
Oh, my God.
It's Kevin Sorbo.
Oh! Oh! Mama! Mama! Oh, the humanity.
So, how's about an autograph for your dear old brother? Why don't you write to the studio, Ares? I'm sure they'll be happy to send you one.
Oh, yeah.
Baywatch, B.
C.
Seems your loyal staff found themselves in something of a crunch.
If they don't deliver by tomorrow, Hollinsfoffer will drop the ax.
He's the head of the studio.
What does he know? What about those cheesy blue-screen effects? They look so fake.
Ares, what do you want? - Merchandising rights.
- Get in line.
I deserve some compensation for the weekly slander I have to endure.
After 5,000 years, nothing has changed, Ares.
You're still a whiner.
And you are still living a lie.
It's only a matter of time before people find out that "Kevin Sorbo" is the real myth.
Hey, would you look at that? What? This is where you get out.
You son of a You should always wear your seat belt.
Jerry! Thank God you're here.
Look.
Don't touch.
I just got a call.
They told us to pack our bags.
They're shipping us out, aren't they? Why, Jerry, why? Because we've all gotta learn to work together, that's why.
To be creative in a crunch.
To boost overall morale.
By the way, Paul, your last script sucked.
I'll change my ways.
I promise.
I'll only drink when I'm awake.
I'll tip all the showgirls.
Snap out of it, man! We've all gotta do a lot better than that if we're gonna save this show.
So I've taken the liberty of hiring professional help.
It's about time.
All aboard.
Clear your calendars, crew.
We're going on a corporate retreat.
Uh This is the story of a time long ago, a time of myth and legend, when the ancient gods were petty and cruel, and they plagued mankind with suffering.
Only one man dared to challenge their power Hercules.
Hercules possessed a strength the world had never seen, a strength surpassed only by the power of his heart.
He journeyed the earth, battling the minions of his wicked stepmother, Hera, the all-powerful queen of the gods.
But wherever there was evil, wherever an innocent would suffer, there would be Hercules.
Hail! Gee, Rob, you spared no expense.
Oh, no.
You really didn't.
Whoa.
I'm allergic to bees.
If I get stung, I'm gonna swell up like a hog.
I'll be glad to put you down before it comes to that.
No time like the present, Jerry, that's what I always say.
Well, howdy y'all, y'all.
Welcome to Camp Wannachuck, where every day you'll see a sunny day.
'Cause that's my name, Sunny Day.
- Pray for rain.
- Now, right behind you is my lovely assistant, Norma Bates.
Hey, girl! - Ew.
- Now here on the homestead, we'll be combining corporate reengineering techniques with ancient Navajo rituals to enhance the efficiency of your overall group dynamic.
Now, can you say "Navajo?" Navajo! Navajo.
Well, bravo-ho.
Except for you, Mr.
Mustache.
Let's get those pipes a - chiming.
Eeny, meeny, miney, die.
For God's sakes, Jerry, what are you doing? He signs all our checks! - I'll save you the hand.
- Go for it, muscle sprout.
It'll save me the torture of having to read another one of your crappy scripts! I'll split you like a chicken, boy.
That is a Camp Wannachuck time-out.
Now, I can see we've got a long and winding road ahead of us.
So let's get to work, shall we? Now, this is the Camp Wannachuck trust exercise.
Mr.
Tapert, a good leader has to learn to trust his employees.
After all, you can't do everything yourself.
- He can't do anything himself.
- Oh.
Now, Mr.
T.
here is gonna fall off this table, and y'all are gonna catch him in your arms to keep him from breaking his ass.
- What? - Don't be nervous, Mr.
T.
Your staff loves you.
Okay, Sunny Day.
But don't forget if this doesn't work, the check hasn't cleared.
Come on, Rob.
Come on.
Come on.
- Come on.
- We're here for ya.
Come to Mama.
- Whoopsy daisy.
- Rob! Rob! Are you okay, buddy? Come on.
Speak to me, Rob.
We hate to lose you, buddy.
Come on.
There you go.
- Is he dead? - Don't tease me.
Three cheers for Camp Wannachuck.
- Hooray! - Good.
We can go now.
I got it! I know how we're gonna start the season.
We're gonna kill Herc's little buddy, lolaus.
How original.
Huh? We've only killed him twice already.
But this time it'll be for good.
We'll kill him in such a way that he'll never recover, like like spontaneous combustion.
Friends forever.
Right, Herc? Or Or get this.
Friends forever.
Right, Herc? Or we'll just kill him the old-fashioned Acme way.
Friends forever.
Right, Herc? Just one of those days.
Kill lolaus? Is that a good idea? No, Paul, it's not a good idea.
It's a brilliant idea! So unless anybody has any further objections Well, now that you mention it.
Ten-hut! Kevin Sorbo.
Hey, sorry I'm late, folks.
Oh, Kevin.
They're gonna k- kill lolaus.
But lolaus lived to be a hundred years old.
Uh, what the hell you talking about, Sorborino? Uh, never mind.
Look, if you're gonna kill lolaus again, let him die like the hero he was.
Is.
You know, I mean, on the show.
What if Hercules was needed beyond the shores of Greece? You know, someplace he's never been before, like Sumeria.
I've sent for a man across the seas.
Perhaps with his help, we can restore our homeland to its former glory.
It is an honor to have you here, Hercules.
The honor is mine, King Gilgamesh.
The nectar flows from this chalice.
But it was hidden by the gods in the middle of the pyramid protected by a series of trials.
- Only those with the blood of a god can reach it.
- What are we waiting for? Let's grab some of that nectar and get out of here.
After you, my friend.
Now Hercules has never been betrayed before.
What if Gilgamesh were the first? None left for the gods.
What a pity.
Soon, the world will tremble with the arrival of Dahak.
All he needs is the sacrifice of a warrior heart.
Nebula! No! lolaus! Hang in there, buddy.
I can't.
Sure you can.
Come on.
Hercules.
But what do I know? I'm just an actor.
An actor with vision! Everybody, give it up for the big Sorbowsky.
I think I got something in my eye.
Now, you see? This is the kind of emotional outpouring that'll bring y'all closer together and land your little empire a top spot in theForbes500.
Did I hear a tummy rumbling? Who's ready for lunch? Well, all right.
Kevin, how'd you like to wrestle Xena on pay-per-view? Uh, I'll get back to you on that.
Say, Melissa.
You know I'm an organ donor? Really? Yeah.
Need anything? You know, Paul, having a conversation with you is like being in a coma without the advantages.
Uh-huh.
So, is that a yes? Lunch is served.
Mm-mm! Smells just like Mama used to make.
My condolences.
Thanks.
Pass that down here.
I'm starving.
Chow down, gang.
I'm so hungry, I could eat a Hydra.
Oops.
Uh, sorry.
My fault.
Kevin Sorbo, I would like to shake your hand, sir.
Why? Did y'all see how Kevin here took responsibility for his mistake? He wasn't afraid to step forward and admit "I am a screwup!" Thanks, I think.
A true sign of character is knowing when to say, "The buck stops here.
" Which one of our illustrious presidents had that very motto on his desk? I know it.
I know it! Our 33rd president, and a great American, Mr.
Harry S.
Truman! Hoo-yah! I think they dropped the bomb in the wrong place.
Well, gang, it's time to move on.
Time for our next corporate conundrum.
Now, folks, this is what we call a sweat lodge.
It's a traditional Navajo ritual designed to put you in touch with the underlying orgone energy that permeates the universe.
What the hell is she talking about, Sorbosaurus? Getting in touch with our spiritual sides.
Is that gonna cost me extra? Well, I'm just gonna skedaddle.
Leave your creative juices to start flowing.
Norma.
Now I wouldn't stay in here too long or your brains will fry like little eggies.
I thinks she speaks from experience.
I gotta get out of here! I get a rash in small spaces.
I I can't breathe! I need mouth-to-mouth.
Well, I thought I'd seen it all.
Nothing compares to the horror of seeing Paul in his skivvies.
How about Yanni live at the Acropolis? I stand corrected.
God knows I'm not paid enough to give you people story ideas, but how 'bout we do a show on Hercules's spiritual side? Say, Melissa, that's not a bad idea.
I got just the thing.
Picture this.
Good afternoon.
Would you care to make a donation to the Church of Soul and Consciousness? Get lost! Huh? Huh? I don't mean to interrupt, but you're overlooking the inherent contradiction of taking a character on a spiritual journey when his very identity is predicated on a conflict with the gods.
Of course, I'm presupposing that spirituality is unique to personifiable deities.
And I'm not sure that's a message we wanna send.
Hmm.
Never mind.
Look.
For Hercules, losing lolaus is like losing a part of himself.
He can't just go on like nothing happened.
I mean, he'd have to question everything that he ever believed in.
You are the Chosen One.
The Druid priests have called you here to lead us to freedom! Come with us.
Rest.
You'll need your strength.
My strength is useless.
And you can't win a fight if you don't believe in yourself.
Especially against another half-god.
I want the Druids.
You can keep your Chosen One.
And you know, sometimes help can come in a form you least expect.
How can someone who champions mankind with all its flaws be so unforgiving of himself? Because my mistakes kill people.
Stay with me and I can help you find the path you're looking for.
What if this Druid, Maybon, were to help Hercules see things in a whole new way? The blood of a god flows through your veins, but your true strength comes from your heart.
You must learn to listen to your heart again.
If you can slow its rhythm, it will sustain you when you need it most, even under the water.
And Hercules can use these new skills he's learned to defeat Morrigan.
If Morrigan dies, the spirit of Justice dies with her.
Now Hercules is going to have to protect his enemy, which sets up a great conflict for the next episode.
But what do I know? I'm just an actor.
An actor with guts! Score another one for El Sorbo Loco, huh.
Give it up! Oh, hey, hey.
Thank you, everybody.
Thank you.
What happened? What happened? I'll tell you what happened.
Sorbo the Greek here's coming up with all the great story ideas while you two so-called writers are sitting there cooking like a couple of ballpark wieners.
What the hell you trying to say, Tapert? What's the matter, Jerry? Lose your hillbilly decoder ring? Let me spell it out for you.
You stink out loud! You couldn't write a check.
Go, Jerry, go! Time to throw a Rob on the barbie! Hey! No! Kevin! Kevin! Guys, guys, come on.
We came to this retreat to learn how to work together.
Besides, Jerry and Paul have written some of our best scripts.
Yeah? Like what? I can't think of any offhand, but I'm sure they're out there.
- I appreciate that, Sorbo.
- Yeah.
I love you, man.
Thanks.
Okay.
Kevin's right.
We should be thinking about our next show.
Greece is for morons.
Hercules does Ireland.
Now that's chic.
Ireland? Hey, hey, now you're talking my lingo.
What about this? What a beautiful Irish spring.
Where's me Lucky Charms? I'm magically delicious.
Sometimes I'm so brilliant, it's frightening.
Well, you got it half right.
Hey, you know, it could be likeBraveheart.
Without the Oscars.
I swear, there ain't nothin' like an old-fashioned war story to keep the American public glued to the tube.
Well, it can't only be a war story.
Hercules has just made it through the hardest time in his life.
But he didn't do it alone.
Now he should return the favor to someone who needs him.
Something I can do for you gentlemen? We've come for Morrigan.
The council has decreed she's to be executed.
I won't let you do that.
She's one of the Druids now.
They chose her to be the Guardian of Justice.
Of course, Herc and Morrigan aren't going to get along right away.
Drink this.
So, you don't like tea.
Tidying me up for a proper execution, are you? Not that you'd notice, but I'm saving your life.
Don't make the mistake of thinking there's good in everybody, Hercules.
If anything, the opposite's true.
Even the best man's got a touch of evil in him, and it's just waiting for the right time to show itself.
But what if Morrigan weren't as bad as she claimed to be? What if she were under someone else's control? How could you let the Druids do this to me? You let your feelings get the better of you.
Just like a mortal.
I warn you.
Don't let your emotion lead you astray.
You won't like the consequences.
But Hercules could suspect something more.
- You're lovers, aren't you? - That ended a long time ago.
Then why does he still have such a hold on you? I have to obey him.
- I don't.
- You can never come between us.
We share a bond even you cannot break.
Let me introduce you to her.
This is Brigid.
She's our daughter.
And you know how Hercules gets when kids are in danger.
- You'd kill your own child? - I can always have more.
Not if I can help it.
Your rage is like none I've ever seen.
Join me, and we can divide the world.
- I've got a better idea.
- Hercules, no! Ya can't just kill him in cold blood, you know that.
Hercules.
Is this what you really want? You're lucky she's here.
Free from Cernunnus, Morrigan can finally become the person she's always wanted to be.
Ah, it's beautiful, sweetie.
It's just beautiful.
Come here.
But what do I know? I'm just an actor.
An actor with courage! Come on, gang.
It's Sorbopotamus: 3; Renaissance: 0.
We don't deserve to be sweating in this man's company.
Yeah.
Speaking of which, if I sit here another second, my towel's gonna start melting off.
Guys, you better go on ahead and we'll catch up later.
Oh, my God! What was that? Now we can start to sweat.
Well, I suppose after enough time with you people, death was inevitable.
Let me just say it's been a real detriment knowing you all.
I couldn't have said it better my own self.
Melissa, you know, before I go, there's something I'd like to, well I'd just like to play one round of naked leapfrog with you, please.
- Hey, look, everyone.
It's Mel Torme! - Where? Mel? - Where? - Mel Torme? Wow.
The door just fell off all by itself.
All right, everybody, let's vamoose.
We'll exit in order of descending salary.
Of course, Kevin, that would be you first.
I can't believe that somebody's trying to kill us.
If this keeps up, I may not be able to keep my identity a secret much longer.
How could those bastards cancelEllen? But Oswald couldn't have gotten off three shots in under five seconds with that Italian bolt-action rifle.
dd Rockets' red glare dd dd Bombs burstin' in air dd That's it! I can't stand it anymore! There's something really funny going on around here.
- In this episode there isn't.
- Paul's right.
We should hit the road.
All right.
Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.
"Momentito," Sorborito.
I paid a lot of money for this little shindig, so we're gonna stay here, even if it kills us.
Norma, honey, you know the rules.
In the closet by sundown.
Now, get.
Go on.
Get, get, get.
Sorry, folks.
I'm afraid she just hasn't been the same since Ginger Spice left the group.
Dear God in heaven, say it ain't so! I thought that I would just come around and offer up a little attaboy for a super successful first day.
And as a little reward, I've brought you all a plate of s'mores.
Why don't you just inject cellulite into my butt? Hey, no, no.
Nobody gets any s'mores.
We got a season to finish here.
Otherwise, it's ixnay ercules-Hey.
- What? - Come on, Sorborelli.
You know the drill.
We lie here like a bunch of White House interns while you stick it to us.
Come on.
Spit it out.
Well, if you think about it, Hercules has always fought against the gods because they only care about themselves.
What if he met a god who was different? My name's Balder.
This is my brother, Thor.
- And to take a hit like that, you must be a god too.
- You are? This is Hercules.
My brother, Loki.
Hi.
But as we know, goodness is always a target for the forces of darkness.
What do I do with this? With this, you'll kill a god.
Thor wanted to put my fears to rest.
He has.
I've been haunted by empty fantasies.
See for yourself.
Try to strike me dead.
How about this? You sure this is what you want? There.
Satisfied? - Thor.
- Balder! What happened to him? He's dead.
You killed him.
Now to get even with Loki, Hercules is gonna have to go through Thor.
Loki killed your brother.
Liar! But Herc's about to discover that destiny's been forcing his hand since the moment he arrived.
Somehow this paint affects fate.
You only paint what you see.
But Loki painted what he wanted to see.
And the paint made it happen.
- Where did you get that? - You stole yours from the Norn.
Used it to change fate.
See, Herc's always believed that destiny's what you make it.
Just because something's written in ink doesn't mean it's set in stone.
Not this time.
Catch.
The dart was poisoned.
Loki just tried to kill you.
I hate it when a plan falls apart.
So for the first time in his life, Hercules finds a god worth saving.
Goodness gracious! How do you manage to paint such a vivid picture of the ancient Germanic territory, sir? I declare, it's like you were actually there.
I, uh, read a lot.
Huh.
Wait a minute.
Hercules saved the Norse gods, but whoever helped Loki's still out there.
Whoo, doggie.
Looks like actor boy don't know everything now, does he? Actually, Jerry, I left that open so we could build up the mystery of a new villain for the next episode.
Are you two losers done yet? Boo-yah! Now we're done.
Go on with your epic, Sorbolucci.
We're all ears.
Okay.
Uh, what's the one thing that Hercules fears the most? Uh, oh, oh.
Anybody? Losing the people that he cares about.
Oh.
We could have this new villain prey on that.
What if Hercules returned to Ireland to say his last good-byes to Morrigan? What will you be doing now? I guess I'll head back to Greece.
After all that's happened, I wonder if it'll still feel like home.
Then stay here with me.
We could make this our home together.
Everybody I get close to dies.
What are you talking about? My family, my friends, they're all dead.
I can't take the risk that you'd follow them.
And who better to give advice on matters of the heart but an old friend? You were raised a half-god among humans.
She a half-human among gods.
Similar wounds cause similar scars.
What heals one wound Heals another.
Maybe I taught you something after all.
And so for the first time in a long time, Hercules could open his heart again.
Was it just me, or were you wanting to say something? Um, just that this is nice.
Hmm.
But of course, there's always a calm before the storm.
No! Who did this? He's from outside this world.
A thing of evil and incarnate darkness.
Dahak.
Mmm.
But what do I know? I'm just an actor.
An actor with heart.
Well, we got enough material to get started.
Pack your bags, folks, 'cause we're going home.
- I heard that.
- I'm sorry, folks.
I'm afraid I just can't allow that.
I don't like the looks of this, no, sir.
Me neither.
Quit pushing.
I don't wanna die.
Don't be shy, folks.
No one will hear you from deep in this conveniently placed and totally abandoned mine.
So feel free to scream when I shoot ya.
I can't believe it.
It was Sunny Day all along.
Why, Sunny, why? No, sirree.
I have watched too much TV to reveal the motives behind my dastardly plan before I plug ya.
I know now's not the best time, but this gives me a great story idea.
Cough it up, Sorbs.
The sands are running.
Who's the last person in the world you'd expect to betray Hercules? - Could you give us a minute? - Make it quick.
What about the kid? It's gotta be the little guy.
I sign the paychecks.
That's what it's gonna be.
Okay, I'll go along.
The rest of you block.
Okay, one, two, three.
Break! Falafel.
- That's not exactly what I had in mind.
- Shoot! Well, who could it possibly be? Dahak needed a warrior heart to enter the world, right? Well, what if Nebula wasn't the only one who had what he was looking for? The last person you'd expect to betray Hercules is the man he's been closest to his whole life.
Hercules.
Boo.
You may have his body, but you're not lolaus.
Then who am I? I guess this is a question everybody asks themselves sooner or later.
Don't you think? All Dahak needed was a warrior heart.
So when little lolaus sacrificed himself for the fair maiden Nebula, Dahak had everything he needed.
And now Hercules will face the most difficult challenge of his life trying to defeat his best friend.
On three Two.
One.
Hercules, you've gotta help me.
Please.
Come on.
I knew you couldn't kill me.
You're still holding on to what we were.
Well, it's time to grow up.
It will be a whole new day in Greece, buddy.
What happened? He's headed for Greece.
So why are we standing about? Let's do some damage.
All right then We stop Dahak together, or we die trying.
But what do I know? I'm just an actor.
An actor with spunk.
An actor with pizzazz.
An actor with ten seconds to live.
Well, it would have been a great season if we'd just lived to see it.
Don't hurt them, Sunny.
- Take me instead.
- With pleasure.
Say, sayonara, Sorbo.
Kevin, no! Hey Oh, let go! - Let go! - Don't fight it.
Oh, my God! Lord have mercy! Why'd you do it, Sunny? Allow me.
B.
S.
Hollinsfoffer! I would have gotten away with it, too, if it hadn't been for you meddling kids.
- Kevin, how did you know? - I'm glad you asked.
It all started at lunch when I caught wind of a strange smell.
At first, I thought it was Paul.
But then I realized it was a rare and untraceable poison secreted only from the eyelids of the Galapagos Island lava lizards.
That's why you knocked over the stew to save our lives.
That's right, Melissa.
And on my way to the sweat lodge, the plot thickened when I heard singing coming from cabin number two.
Figaro, figaro figaro, figaro Figaro, figa Oh, Kevin, what a surprise.
I was just gonna meet you folks at the sweat lodge.
I'll see you there.
I thought Sunny was just a tenor.
But then it dawned on me.
Maybe she's not who she claims to be.
But how did you know it was B.
S.
Hollinsfoffer? I didn't.
Not until Sunny and Norma came into the sweat lodge.
When no one was looking, she handed me a note.
Now, folks, this is what we call a sweat lodge.
It's a traditional Navajo ritual.
That's when I put it all together.
So, we know who Sunny is, but who's Norma? Studio security, sir.
We knew we had a traitor on the inside, but I couldn't make my move until I was sure.
Thought you could get away with it, huh? You make me sick.
I was gonna drive you all to kill each other with these ridiculous group exercises until Sorbo showed up.
Then I realized I'd no choice but to do the job myself.
Leaves only question to be asked Why'd you do it, B.
S.
? Because you've got the world believing that good always triumphs over evil.
And I just can't have that.
- Oh - My - God - Of - War.
Get used to it, Ares.
No matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, you'll never break our spirits, because there's a little Hercules in everyone just waiting to come out.
This is not over, people.
And, you.
What a disappointment you turned out to be.
Wait.
- You promised me my own network.
- Did I say that? Yeah.
I'm sorry.
And I've always wanted to say this, but you will never work in this town again.
- Let's go! - You haven't seen the last of me.
- Wherever there's television, there will always be B.
S.
! - He's got that right.
Into the slammer, you traitor! Excuse me, but doesn't it worry anyone that the God of War is real? I find it kind of comforting myself.
I wonder if he's interested in his own spin-off.
Wait a minute.
If Ares is real, doesn't that mean there's a real Hercules out there too? Don't look at me.
I'm just an actor.