Hey Arnold! (1996) s05e09 Episode Script

1
MAN: Here we go.
HELGA: Arnold.
(YOWLING)
(BARKING)
HELGA: Hey, Arnold!
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(CRASHING)
(SCREAMS)
Hey, Arnold!
Arnold.
Arnold.
(SIREN WAILING)
Arnold.
Arnold.
Move it, football head.
ALL: Hey, Arnold!
(UPBEAT INSTRUMENTAL
ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)
(KIDS CHEERING)
Vacation.
Mm-hmm. Mm.
A whole entire week away
from books and teachers and--
Watch your back.
Watch your back.
I said outta my way.
(GRUNTS)
Nice going,
football head.
What are you
talking about,
Helga?
You plowed into me.
Yeah, well that's
'cause I'm trapped
in school every day
with a bunch of losers.
When vacation finally
comes, I want outta here
as fast as I can.
HELGA: I'll tell you
another thing, monkey face,
this is going to be
the best vacation ever
because I'll be
far, far away from you.
Man, that
Helga G. Pataki
is one person
I will never miss.
I agree, Gerald.
I definitely agree.
(WHINES)
Oh, Arnold.
How cruel I am, each
and every time I see you.
(MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING)
How savage.
How brutally I lash out.
And now, my love,
now I must live
with the consequences.
I must spend an entire week
apart from you,
doomed to recount my most
regretful of behaviors.
(TIRES SCREECH)
(COUGHS)
ARNOLD: Boy, Grandpa,
this is gonna be great.
I can't wait to get
to the beach.
Ah, my beloved beach.
I had such fun there
as a young boy.
GRANDPA: Romping around
the dunes, eating snails
and seaweed,
making a skirt outta shells,
and dancing
for our men in uniform.
Sounds great, Grandpa.
Ah, the beach,
it had such a magical,
romantic quality.
Romantic, huh?
(GROANS)
I just want to find
a treasure chest
buried in the sand.
Buried treasure?
Ha! What an imbecile.
Everyone knows the beach
is a place for passion.
Yes. And for love.
Hey, Arnold, maybe
this beach vacation
will be good to you,
romantically
speaking, eh?
I don't know,
Mr. Potts.
I'm not really looking
to make any new friends.
I don't blame you,
short man.
I don't even wanna see
the people I already know.
I wanna get as far away
as possible from civilization
and shopping malls
traffic and commerciality
as possible.
(HORN BLARES)
(TIRES SCREECH)
(ENGINE REVS)
(TIRES SCREECH)
This is gonna
be great, Miriam.
A whole entire week
of hanging out
at the beach.
(SIGHS WEARILY) Oh, B.
Why does it always
have to be the beach?
'Cause the beach
is the only place
I get to parasail,
jet ski, body board
and wind surf.
(FARTS)
But, ugh, I just--
you know,
I hate it there
so much,
what with the sun
and the sand
and all those loud, happy
frolicking people.
NARRATOR ON TV:
This week on Babewatch
MAN: Love and deception
rock the beach.
(BABEWATCH THEME
MUSIC PLAYING)
(WAVES CRASHING)
GRANDPA:
Ah, there she is.
(SEAGULLS CAWING)
The old duplex house
by the beach.
It's a beaut, huh,
short man?
Yeah, well,
we're off to town,
to, um, mingle.
Want to join us,
Grandpa?
I'll be heading in
the opposite direction
to you clowns.
So long, civilization.
Peace and solitude,
here I come.
So, you're going to
town, too, Oskar,
and leaving me here
all alone?
Okay, sounds good
to me.
OSKAR:
Hey, you guys,
wait up.
(SIGHS)
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
Later, dude.
I'm gonna hang ten
and shoot the tunnel.
(SEAGULLS CAWING)
(GRANDPA SIGHS)
GRANDPA: Alone at last.
Nothing but me and the silent
tranquility of nature.
(HORN BLARING)
(JACKHAMMER VIBRATING)
(BICYCLE BELL DINGING)
(READING) Want to find
coins, jewelry
and other valuables
on the beach?
Oh, yes,
that's right, sir.
Only $9.99 and you get to keep
everything you find.
I get to keep
everything I find?
It's a deal.
Check her out, Hyunh.
Why don't you go
talk to her?
Hello,
pretty beach lady.
Ew! (SIGHS)
Ah, don't sweat it,
Hyunh.
I just remembered,
I got a much better strategy.
(LAUGHING)
GRANDMA: Cowabunga!
(GRANDMA LAUGHS)
(HORN BLARES)
We're here.
Huh? Wha
Where am I?
Where am I?
Oh, man.
What a dump.
Sun, surf
and a motherlode
of beach sports.
This is gonna be
the best week
of my entire life.
Oop. Catch you later,
Miriam. Alley-oop!
(BIG BOB FARTS)
(SIGHS WEARILY)
This is gonna be the worst
week of my entire life.
Bob, Miriam
and a skanky old shack,
hours away from Arnold.
Helga?
(GASPS)
Arnold, what are
you doing here,
football head?
My grandpa brought us
for the week.
Wow, talk about
a coincidence.
(SCOFFS)
Yeah, well, don't get
any weird ideas
about getting
all chummy with me
or anything, hair boy.
(GASPS) Just 'cause
we're staying in the same
beach house,
doesn't mean
we're suddenly friends.
As a matter of fact,
I still hate
your stinking guts.
So, you better just
stay the heck
outta my way. Got it?
Fine with me, Helga.
(DOOR SLAMS)
What is the matter
with me?
Why do I always have to be
such a jerk to Arnold?
Here I am alone
at the beach
with the guy
and what do I do?
I barrage him with insults
and push him away.
(BELL DINGS)
That's it. I am through
being a psychotic freak.
I'm going back down there,
and I'm going to apologize
to Arnold.
Then, I'm going to
start being nice.
This is gonna be
the best week of my life.
And nothing or nobody
is gonna stand in my way.
That is fantastic
sand castle.
Thanks.
My name's Summer,
What's yours?
Arnold.
Well, Arnold,
you must be a great artist
because that's
the best sand castle
I've ever seen.
I'd bet you'd be a shoo-in
at the sand castle competition
at the beach festival
this weekend.
Sand castle competition?
Now remember, Helga,
just stick to the plan.
Apologize to Arnold
even if it kills you.
(GASPS)
You really should
think about it, Arnold,
because you do
awesome things
with sand.
And, in the meantime,
you can show me
around the beach,
since I'm new
around here.
ARNOLD: I've never been
here before either.
Perfect. We can
explore things together.
What in the heck
is going on here?
I'm gone for two lousy
minutes and all of sudden
some bimbo
is moving in on
my territory?
Well, fat chance
I'm gonna let that happen.
Arnold's gonna be mine
this vacation.
And no little beach chippy
is gonna come between us.
Strap me in
and launch me,
little lady.
I'm sorry, sir,
but our next available
parasail departure
isn't for another
30 minutes.
Thirty minutes, huh?
Oh, all right.
Guess I'll just wait here
and soak up a little color.
(SIGHING)
(SNORING)
(GULPS)
WOMAN: Hi!
(COUGHS) Oh!
(MUFFLED) Oh, hi.
I'm Suzie.
I'm Miriam.
I'm Miriam.
So, are you alone, too?
(SIGHS) Of course.
Hello, ladies.
You two beautiful women
don't look like you're
having any fun at all. Heh.
I could change that.
Would you like to take
a stimulating,
free dance class?
Oh
Gee
I don't think I'm up to it.
I don't my husband
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
(CHUCKLES)
Did you say, uh,
stimulating? (GIGGLES)
Try not to move, sir,
it'll only make your
sunburn worse.
(GROANING)
(SNEEZES)
(BIG BOB SHRIEKS IN PAIN)
(SNORING)
GRANDPA: Uh-oh!
(YELLS) Help!
(ENGINE STARTS)
I think I found
our guy.
Excellent.
(SIGHS) There's just something
so relaxing about the water.
Don't you think,
Arnold?
Yeah. It's great, Summer.
Oh, I wouldn't
get too relaxed
if I were you, honey.
(INHALES)
(WATER SPLASHES)
(BEEPING)
(AIR WHOOSHES)
(POPS)
(BOTH SCREAM)
(COUGHING)
Perfect.
(METAL DETECTOR BEEPING)
(JEWELRY CLANKING)
(BEEPS INTENSIFY)
(SNORING)
This metal detector
works great.
Are you sure
this will work?
Positive, Hyunhski.
When women see a guy
buried up to his head
in the sand,
they come over,
it's only natural.
And that's when you start
chatting 'em up
and turn on the charm.
That's how my father
met my mother.
ERNIE: Now bury me.
(SAND RUSTLING)
Ooohhh!
I want to get my camera.
I'll be right back.
All right,
but make it snappy.
Good afternoon, Miss.
(GASPS)
You're looking lovely today.
Ew!
Hello
Is anyone out there?
GRANDPA: Whoa! This island
tranquility of nature
(SHOUTS)
is driving me insane.
Oh, look, a phone!
(PANTS)
Hello, 9-1-1,
this is Grandpa.
Yeah, I'm stuck
on an island.
Hello? Hello?
Oh, they put me on hold.
Oh, Arnold,
lobster is like
my all-time fav food.
Lobster isn't gonna be
your fav food for long,
(CLAWS CLICKING)
princess.
(GASPS, SCREAMS)
Get it off me.
Yes!
(GROANING)
Freaking sunburn.
(YELLING) Miriam!
(ECHOING)
Hello, Carlos
Uh, y-yeah,
we've-we've come
for our free
dance lesson.
(EXCLAIMING GLEEFULLY)
Hello, ladies!
(LAUGHS MISCHIEVOUSLY)
Are you ready to
unwind?
(SIGHS)
Oh, my!
(METAL DETECTOR BEEPING)
(METAL CLANKING)
And the beach thief stole
my bracelets and necklace.
And the jerk
stole my watch.
Don't panic.
I'm on the case.
We'll find the perpetrator
right away.
Where the heck
is that Hyunh? Hey!
Uh, anyone? I'm buried
up to my neck here,
a little help.
Hey, ugly dude,
we'll help.
Wait, whoa, hey--
(MUFFLED SCREAM)
(SCOFFS)
HYUNH: Hello? Ernie!
ERNIE: Hyunh
is that you?
Hey, I'm under
the bucket here,
Hyunh. Hyunhski!
Mmm. Isn't this
amazing, Arnold?
Just you and me,
hanging out
together.
Yeah, and even though
some crazy things have
been happening today,
I'm still really glad
I'm met you, Summer.
Oh, me, too, Arnold.
Me, too.
You're just so much nicer
than the girls in my school.
Well, the truth is
I really like you a lot.
And I really
like you, Arnold.
This may sound silly,
but I've never
felt so comfortable
with a boy before.
Well, I wouldn't get
too comfortable, sweetheart.
(BIRDS SQUAWKING)
(SCREAMING)
(LAUGHS MALICIOUSLY)
(SQUAWKING CONTINUES)
(ARNOLD AND SUMMER SCREAM)
(SUMMER GROANS)
Are you okay?
I'm fine.
(HELGA LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)
HELGA: Oh, this is
the best one yet.
I mean, sure the lobster
and the raft were all
pretty funny.
But this one, oh, boy,
this one takes the cake.
Helga?
Oh, hey, Arnold.
How's it going?
What're you doing?
Me? Um Nothing just
having a snack.
Helga, I heard everything
you just said.
Uh, you did?
ARNOLD: Yeah.
So, if you're through
being mean to me and Summer
for no reason at all,
I'd really appreciate it,
if you take your own advice
and just stay
outta my way.
For good.
SUMMER: Who was that?
ARNOLD: Just one of
those girls from my school
I was telling you about.
(SALSA MUSIC PLAYING)
SUZIE: Oh, Carlos.
MIRIAM: You sure know
how to have fun.
(GIGGLES)
(HELGA SIGHS)
Oh, why am I such
and idiot?
Why am I such
a short-sighted fool?
Why have I allowed
my casual cruelties
to push Arnold
away from me.
Maybe forever.
(HELGA WHIMPERS)
Oh! My darling, if only
you knew how sorry I am.
If only you knew
how much I love you.
If only you knew
how deeply I regret
any pain I may have afflicted
on you and your innocent yet
trampy little friend Summer.
(DINGING)
Wait a minute, that's it.
I'll go apologize
to Arnold right now
and everything
in our delicate little world
will be righted once again.
GIRL: It's all working out
like we planned.
Arnold thinks I really,
really like him.
BOY: Whoa, he's like stupider
than I ever could've imagined.
Tell me about it.
The kid's an idiot.
Anyway, I'll flirt
with him one more day,
and then get him
to agree to build me
a killer sand castle
at the beach festival.
We'll easily win
first place.
BOY: Then you'll dump
Arnold the sucker
and be on Babewatch.
And then your acting
career will skyrocket.
I'll be your manager.
Huh. Right.
(SIGHING GRIMLY)
Oh, my dear cherished,
naive Arnold,
I can't stand idly by
and let you be
eaten alive by Summer's
most sadistic of plans.
I must take action.
I must go to you right away.
I must right to him
who I have so wronged.
(HURRIED FOOTSTEPS)
(DINGING) Plus, Babewatch
is my fantasy.
(STONE CLICKS)
HELGA: (WHISPERS)
Arnold. Psst.
(STONE CLICKS)
Arnold
(SWITCH CLICKS)
Open up.
It's important.
ARNOLD:
What do you want,
Helga?
I want to apologize.
You were right,
I was being mean
to you and Summer
for no reason at all.
The good news is
it's okay.
It is?
Yes,
it's perfectly fine.
'Cause the thing is
I heard Summer
and it turns out
she's not at all
what she seems.
She's not?
No, Arnold,
you see,
she's actually evil.
She's got this whole
crazy plot against you.
When're you gonna
give it up?
But, I'm telling you
the truth. Summer is
a monster, Arnold.
A horrible, scheming monster.
Sure she is.
I gotta go.
(WINDOW SLAMS)
No, Arnold.
Wait. (GRUNTS)
Crimeny, I've got to
make him listen to me.
Oh, Arnold, we've had
such an incredible week,
haven't we?
Yeah.
Hey.
I know the perfect way
to capture it, come on.
HELGA: Psst, Arnold.
Don't listen to her.
She's a liar.
HELGA: She's just
using you.
(SIGHS IN EXASPERATION)
I swear,
she's up to no good.
She's a man eater. Whoa!
(WATER SPLASHING)
(BEE BUZZING)
Ugh, mother, may I
Oh, hi, how were all
your water sports, B?
Oh my, oh my,
you look all rosy.
(YELLS) That's because
I'm sunburned, Miriam.
Where have
you been anyway?
Oh, B,
you won't believe it.
I mean, one minute,
I'm sulking in the house,
and the next minute,
I'm having the time
of my life.
I learned the samba,
the mambo,
the r-r-r-humba.
And now, I'm gonna
go back and meet Carlos
and Suzie for breakfast
and a Watusi lesson.
(GIGGLING)
Whoa, whoa,
Carlos, Watusi?
I'll see you later, B.
Bye-bye.
No, no, wait.
I need you, Miriam.
Miriam!
(GROANING)
Mother of pearl.
(CHUCKLES)
Smile, Arnold.
(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING)
Mwah!
Oh, I can't wait
to see what
they look like.
Especially
that last one.
You've gotta
believe me, Arnold.
She's conniving.
She's just being nice
so you'll fall into
her evil web of deceit.
Will you get outta here?
(HELGA GROANS)
Perfect.
Come on, Arnold,
let's go practice
making sand castles.
(PHOTO BOOTH SOUNDS)
Oh, it's beautiful,
Arnold.
Now, all it needs
is a little something
on top.
SUMMER:
Oooh, Arnold,
look at this.
Summer, you think
we'll ever see each other
after this week?
Oh, Arnold, of course,
what we have is
so strong and so deep
that no one or nothing
can ever take it away from us.
Mwah.
Whoa,
killer sand castle.
Thanks.
We're thinking of
signing up for
tomorrow's competition.
Right, Arnold?
Uh, I don't know.
Come on, you're--
(CREAKING)
You're really
good, man.
Don't listen to either
of them, Arnold,
they're in it together.
They want you
to win the sand castle
competition,
so Summer can be
on Babewatch.
Stop it, Helga.
You're acting like
a crazy person.
Arnold, I'm warning you
because I don't want
to see you get hurt.
For your own sake,
don't sign up for that
competition with Summer.
What do you say,
Arnold?
Let's do it.
(WIND BLOWING)
Arnold, you poor
deluded fool.
Oh! (GRUNTING)
Whoa, free at last.
It was getting
pretty clammy in there.
Oh, no! No--
(FARTS)
Whoa! Hmph. Hmm.
Feels like I'm sitting on
a stone or something.
(GRUNTING)
Uh. Oh, I guess
that's better.
HYUNH: Hello.
(SHOUTING)
Ernie! Ernie!
Cowabunga!
(CHUCKLES)
(WATER SPLASHING)
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
Well, when in Rome
(DRUM ROLL)
(ALL GASP)
(ALL SCREAM)
So this is how
it's all gonna
end for me?
On an island paradise?
Oh, the irony.
Oh, I see the white light.
And
I see my ancestors.
(QUACKING)
Hello.
Hello, it's me, Grandpa.
(QUACKING)
What are you saying?
You've come
to quack-quack?
Wait a minute,
you're not my ancestors,
you're a bunch of ducks.
But, can you
help me, duck?
(QUACKING)
Hey, man,
I think he talking to
the ducks.
Hey, old man,
what you doing
talking to the ducks?
Are you my ancestors?
Did the ducks send ya?
(REGGAE MUSIC PLAYING)
All right, man.
The duck done send us.
Do you need
a ride back home,
brotha?
Oh, dear brave man,
it's too far.
We're cut off
from humanity.
It's right there, man,
hop in.
Oh, I'm saved.
Take me back
to civilization
(ENGINE REVS)
and people
and crowds.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
That's it.
I can't take it anymore.
I hate the beach.
I'm gonna get Miriam
and the girl
and get the heck outta
Dodge, even if it kills me.
(SHOUTING)
Thanks again
for saving me, fellas.
Oh, and thanks
for the stupid,
dope, fly hat.
GRANDMA:
Up the establishment.
Aww, Pookie, nobody
wants to see that.
(GRUNTING)
(SCREAMING)
(GLASS BREAKS)
(HORN TOOTING)
HELGA: Arnold, Arnold.
(GASPS)
Forget it, Helga.
I'm waiting for Summer.
She's over here.
BOY: You're sure
he doesn't have a clue?
Arnold, no way.
He's pathetic.
He's in love with me.
I could probably
get him to build me
five sand castles.
But, we just
need one, baby.
I know.
One sand castle,
we get first prize.
I totally blow off Arnold
and get to be on Babewatch.
This plan worked out
so perfectly.
(SUMMER MOANS)
SUMMER: Mwah!
I'm sorry, Arnold.
You were right
the whole time,
Helga.
Oh, Arnold,
there you are.
Ready to build
our winning sand castle?
Forget it, Summer.
I'm on to you.
I know you think I'm pathetic
and I know you've been lying
this whole time.
Arnold, I-I--
I just heard you
and that Sandy guy.
You were just using me.
But
I'm not building
any sand castle
with you ever.
Good-bye,
Summer.
Good-bye, Autumn,
it's been a blast.
Too bad your evil plan
fell flat on its face.
Sorry I didn't listen
to you, Helga.
Guess you were
just really trying
to be my friend.
Eh, well, I figured
it was the right
thing to do.
I mean,
she was taking
advantage of you.
And I couldn't
just-- Well--
Hey, what are
we standing here
talking for?
We're wasting time.
We've got a sand
castle competition
to win. Come on.
(METAL DETECTOR BEEPING)
Is this the guy?
The beach thief?
He looks like
a bad one to me.
Yeah. I'd say so.
That's got
to be him.
(BEEPING)
Sir, can you kindly
step aside?
Oh, well, certainly,
but, uh,
I think I'm gonna need
a couple of your fellows
to help get up me here.
(CHAIR CREAKING)
(MAN GRUNTS)
Ahh! Wah.
Yeah. Man,
it's about time.
Ernie, I was so worried
about you. Are you okay?
I'm fine. A little woozy
and my bladder's full,
but I'm fine.
Good thing I got
this steel plate
in my head huh, kid?
Hey aren't
you going to
thank me,
my dear,
tiny friend,
Ernie.
I was looking
all over for you
with my metal detector.
Is that what you were
doing this whole time?
Oh, absolutely.
Well, in that case,
you're both heroes.
(CROWD CHEERING)
Oh, hey, B.
Where you been?
Oh, by the way,
you were right.
The beach
is incredible.
I wanna come back
here next year.
There isn't gonna be
a next year.
We're never coming back
to this forsaken dump.
We're leaving
right now.
(CHUCKLES)
Oh, B.
You're such
a kidder. (SMACK)
(SCREAMS)
(AIR HORN BELLOWING)
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
Hey that sand
just went in my eye.
Oh, quit whining.
And the winners
of this year's
sand castle competition
are Arnold
and Helga.
Congratulations,
guys.
(CROWD CHEERS)
(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)
For first prize,
both of you
will appear on
the hit TV show,
Babewatch, filmed here
on our beach.
That's right. Me.
HELGA:
I'm the winning girl.
(SOBBING)
It'll be all right.
(GRUNTS) Ow.
(BABEWATCH THEME
MUSIC PLAYING)
(CLICKS)
And action!
(GROANING)
(GROANING)
(INHALES, EXHALES)
Move over, Barbie,
I've got this one.
(HELGA MOANING)
DIRECTOR:
And cut! I said cut.
Young lady,
we've got this shot.
Please cut.
All right,
kill those lights.
(BABEWATCH THEME
MUSIC PLAYING)