In Living Color (1990) s05e09 Episode Script

Hello.
I'm Rush Limbaugh.
And I'm Al Sharpton.
And we have finally found a place in this world.
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big and loud enough for the both of us.
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the home fitness industry.
And our new fitness program covers all the bases, including step aerobics.
You can lose pounds, inches and hostilities.
While stepping on those you hate.
Step on the homeless.
Step on the liberal.
Step on the spotted owl.
Step on the white man.
Step on the white man.
Step on the white man.
Use our specially designedworkout equipment.
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perfect for you boxers or anyone who likes to wear a robe once in a while.
Take that, boy in the hood.
The man may have oppressed you.
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but you can still press some weight on our new BoboFlex.
Get off of me, pig! Get off of me, pig! Build up your leg muscles on our Run For Your Life Treadmill.
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for when you have to make a quick getaway from the gun-toting hordes of Miami.
Or the good citizens of Bensonhurst.
Look.
Ain't that your mama tongue-kissin' Louis Farrakhan? Whoa! And if you order our fitness program today.
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we will send you our helpful Deal Some Meal cards.
- Help me out, Michelin Man.
- Don't you mean handout, Freeloading Willy? Let me show you how it works.
When you're done eating all the food listed on these cardlets, you're done eatin' the meal.
The shakes are easy to make.
Simply add your favorite ingredients.
- Some fried chicken for Al.
- And a cracker for the cracker.
Blend thusly.
Mmm! - Mmm-mmm-mmm! - Mmm.
- If that's low-cal, that must be Rush 'N Al's! - Rush 'N Al's! So remember, if your butt is as big as the deficit.
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and your muscles as weak as Clinton's health plan.
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you've gotta take firm action.
- Don't you mean affirmative action? - Hell, no.
Send for our fitness program today, because even if we can't all get along.
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- Can't we all sweat along? Come on, everybody! - Yes, sir! [Man Announcing.]
Send $ 199.
95 toRush 'N Al's Can't We All Just Sweat Along? P.
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Box "A,"Fatback, Mississippi, 60606.
- [Laughing.]
- In living color You can do what you wanna do In living color - In living color- You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color You can walk on the moonFloat like a balloon You see, it's never too lateand it's never too soon - Take it from me, it's a'ight to be - Hi-yah! In living color And how would ya.
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How would ya.
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How would ya f.
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How would you feel knowingprejudice was obsolete And all mankind dancedto the exact beat [Echoing.]
And at night it was safeto walk down the street You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color - You can do what you wan.
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- In living color - You can do what you wan.
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wan.
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- In living color - You can do what you wan.
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- In living color - You can do what you wan.
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wan.
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- In living color - [Turntable Scratching.]
- In living color [Laughing.]
Ma, slow down! I'm tryin' to talk to ya! Gloria, Archie will be home any minute.
And if he doesn't get his dinner by 6:00, he gets gas.
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and he poops in his sleep.
Oh, Archie, you're home.
How was your day? It was fresh, Edith.
You're never gonna guess what happened today.
You didn't get pulled over by the cops? No, I didn't get pulled over by the cops, you dingbat.
We were eating lunch today, and this trucker comes by, you see.
So we pull him out of his cab.
We beat the hell outta that honky.
- Oh, that's terrible, Archie.
- No, Edith, that's good.
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because the trucker turned out to be Stretch Cunningham.
He'll be out for six weeks, and I'm taking over his job.
Daddy! How can you celebrate something like that? Like this.
Whoop-de-do! Whoop-de-do! Whoop-de-do! Now, where the hell is dinner, Edith? Oh, we're waitin' for Gloria's new boyfriend, Michael.
Yeah, Daddy, and I want you to be really cool with him.
Don't worry, little girl.
If he makes you happy, he makes me happy.
- [Doorbell Rings.]
- Now open the door for the hamhockhead.
Daddy! Hi, Michael! Hello, everyone.
My, what an interestin' weave.
Who hooked ya up? I grew it myself, and they're called dreadlocks.
Dreadlocks, schmeadlocks.
That's a dried-upJheri Curl there.
Looks like an activator went on strike there, Michael.
Mr.
Bunker, you don't understand.
I'm Jamaican.
Jamaican, Haitian, Dominican.
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What the hell's the difference? You need a fade.
- Daddy! - Case closed.
Let's grub.
Well, everybody sit down.
Archie, I hope you like it.
It's your favorite.
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collard greens.
Where the hell did you pick these, Edith? They smell terrible.
You been down to the railroad tracks again? They smell like somebody's armpits.
No, Mr.
Bunker.
I'm afraid that is me.
I am au naturel.
What's au naturel? Ma, that means he doesn't believe in using deodorants.
Oh.
Ohhh! You'd think bein' surrounded by all that water.
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they'd at least touch it every once in a while.
But what would you expect?Jamaicans rank pretty low.
I'm sorry, Gloria.
I love you.
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but I won't sit here and be insulted.
[Gasps.]
Daddy! Ma! Archie, do somethin'.
Apologize.
Gee! Okay, Michael there.
Look, uh, I'm sorry if I offended you and your.
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what do you call.
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"Risteferians" there.
- Rastafarians.
- Whatever.
Mr.
Bunker, your thinkin' stinks, ya know.
For your information, we're all the same.
No, no, wait a second, buddy.
That's where you're wrong! 'Cause at the top of your list is your classic American brother there.
We were here first.
We invented the peanut and your.
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what do you call.
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your Soul Train there.
Second on your list are your Africans who traded us for a bottle of rum.
The sellouts.
And on the bottom of the list there, you got your island brothers.
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your basic.
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what do you call.
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cab driver/shortstop.
Oh, Daddy, stop it! You know, you could learn a lot from Michael.
He's very close to nature.
Unlike yourself.
Me, I only put natural things in my body.
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from the earth, like ganja.
Aw, geez.
What's ganja? It's the Chronic bud.
Now get my nine, Edith.
We got a crackhead over here.
- Oh.
- Crackhead? If you don't mind me sayin', Mr.
Bunker, it's attitudes like yours.
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that continue to allow our people to be oppressed by the oppressor.
And let me tell you somethin', Mr.
Henry Belafonte there.
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[Blows Raspberry.]
That is it! I am leaving! Daddy, do something! He's the man I love, and I'm gonna have his baby! What? You hit that? You hit that? Aw, geez.
Now, Archie, check yourself.
Remember your high blood pressure.
That's a good idea, Edith.
I think I'm gonna give myself a stroke right now.
I'm giving myself a stroke, Edith! I'm giving myself a stroke here! I'm giving myself a stroke here, Edith! Aw, Archie! Are you.
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Archie, are you all right? Peachy keen, Edith.
I got my lovely wife here, my beautiful little girl.
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and a son-in-lawnamed Bob Marley there.
- [Hip-hop.]
- [Men Rapping.]
[Continues.]
[Ends.]
Hello.
My name is Francis.
And welcome to the Curly Cue Restaurant.
How are you guys doing? - Fine.
- Good.
Would you like to hear my specials for this evening? - Sure.
Why not? - Okay, well, for appetizers.
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we have a lovely Belgian endive salad with garlic croutons.
They are very, very nice.
We have a very mini goat cheese pizza.
It's like an Eggo waffle, but it's really, really small.
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and it has different kinds of cheeses on it.
It's really, really delicious.
Now listen to this.
We have a black bean crab cake napoleon.
Very, very delicious.
Appears to look like hockey pucks but isn't.
Very, very delicious.
And we have a very ugly fruit chutney.
Now, what we do is we combine a peach.
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- I know what I want.
- Can you tell me about the chutney? Uh, sure.
The chutney is actually made of a combination of Cap'n Crunch and Pop Tarts.
We chop 'em up really, really fine.
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and we put clear gelatin over 'em.
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just like they make 'em in Starburst.
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and it's really, really good.
We take that and dust it with a Norwegian cocoa.
Now, that's like the cocoa you get.
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you know, with the little rabbit on the carton.
- But it's not.
- Hey, excuse me.
We're kind of hungry here.
So could we just get like some chips and salsa? - Uh, sure.
That shouldn't be a problem.
- Great.
That we have in crushed corn.
It comes out of the Southwest.
Blue chips, triangular.
They're really, really wonderful.
The corn.
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They call it maize, you know.
The corn is really wonderful.
They import that from Mexico.
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Hey, fine.
Whatever.
Just hurry.
Now for the salsas this evening.
We have a relish salsa.
That's with a white.
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Shut up! Go get it! [Stammers.]
Red speaks.
Oh, I forgot almost! For the beverages this evening.
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- Water.
Water.
- Oh, I ain't surprised.
Um, we have a Norwegian pomegranate sparkler.
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- which you will really, really love.
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- Hey, hey, hey, hey! - Plain water! - We don't have crude oil.
We also have an orange juice.
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Hey, buddy, buddy, buddy.
Two atoms of hydrogen, one atom of oxygen.
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two glasses of water! Hmm.
And two and two makes four, huh? Don't you just love this place? No.
And on my birthday, we're goin' to Snack-n-Shack.
[Laughing.]
Oh.
Lucky day! All right, this is for you and Roy Firestone.
Now, would you like to hear our entrées for tonight? - Oh, yes, I would love to! - That's wonderful.
- No! No more specials, man.
Come on.
- Man, you.
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[Screams.]
You scared the hell out of.
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Are you Kashif? Hey, man.
Yo, I don't know what you're talkin' about.
- But could you tell me where the bathroom is? - He looks just like Kashif.
Uh, yeah, the bathroom.
Certainly.
You take the lovely route by the maître d's podium.
- Yeah.
- Past the coatroom you will see a paneled wall.
- It has flowers on it like on the Scooby Doo van.
- Yeah.
Really, really nice.
You go past that.
You'll see some tiny little bonsai trees.
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Just point! - Which way, man? Which way? - That way.
Yes! Somebody help my wife! She's choking! - Anybody know the Heimlich? - Uh, yes, yes.
Uh, certainly I do.
I can actually go with the traditional move.
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which all I do is wrap around here to the torso.
Hold on.
Hold on.
And/or I can do the French étouffée.
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and that is a shot straight to the midsection.
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which will bring the food right out through the nose.
Or I can do the Caribbean, which I limbo.
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She's choking, you idiot! - Caribbean.
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- [Grunting.]
Did she have microwave popcorn? How about you like something in a lovely fist, buddy? I wouldn't recommend you do that, see, 'cause I grab it here, crane here.
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right here to the thing, sit you in the seat.
Now, I have options at this point.
I can take this knee.
You see it.
All right? Do just like in Jurassic Park, baby.
All right? Turn.
I got a knee to the midsection, which is gonna shut you the hell up! Or I can break his collarbone.
At this point, I have some choices.
Okay? I can either do all those morbid things.
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or finish reading the menu, Lawrence McCutcheon! - The menu.
The menu.
- The menu.
Right this way, Mr.
Bonds.
We must hurry.
- We don't want to keep your baseball fans waiting.
- Thanks, Mark.
- Oh, no! My God! - [Tires Screeching.]
- What happened? - I think I hit a water buffalo.
Hey, let me in here.
You better let me in here.
[Barking.]
Hey, man, get us the hell out of here! - Where is it? Where did it go? - [Barking.]
- Hi.
How y'all doin'? - What does it want? I want you to get up outta this car is what I want you to do.
Mark, just do what it says.
Just do what it says.
I got you.
You finally here.
Don't runfrom this.
What's wrong with you? Lady, lady, lady! Y'all got the wrong ballplayer.
I'm not the guy that fouled that ball off your face.
Oh, you so crazy.
Look, I got a surprise for you.
Meet the fruit of your pork loins.
Wanda Jr.
, meet your dad.
[Loud Belching.]
You got the wrong guy.
Look, look, look.
I'm Barry Bonds.
I'm a baseball player.
I know who you are.
You can get this right on Slauson and Crenshaw.
I got ReggieJackson and everybody.
So where was you April 19 then? Huh? Where was you? - I had a double-header that night.
- Ooh, double-header.
- I like double-headers.
You so kinky.
- Please, please.
That's what I like about you.
Don't you remember you picked me up at the Chunky Monkey, right? And you was in this "Listerine," and we was drinkin' cognac and "vodkay" and pork rinds.
'Cause you like that stuff.
That's what you like.
That's what you like.
And then the next thing I know, in the morning you go try to jump out the window.
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and leave me by myself with this responsibility.
You ain't right.
You ain't right.
You got to pay for your responsibilities.
How could you do me like this? Huh? - Let me see your booty.
That's the way I can tell.
- No.
That's a lot ofbooty,but it ain't no "T.
" Who's got the "T"? I've been tryin' to tell you, I'm not the guy you're lookin' for.
Well, all I know.
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He was tall, and he was black, and he was drivin' this "Listerine.
" - Oh, no, no, no.
- There he go.
- No, no, no, no! - There you are! [Man Announcing.]
Live from the inner city.
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it's East Hollywood Squares.
With Ike Turner, Eartha Kitt.
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Garrett Morris, Isabel Sanford.
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Gary Coleman, Video Star.
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Antonio "Huggy Bear" Vargas.
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Esther Rolle and Skeeter.
And now the hostof East Hollywood Squares.
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Peter Marshall.
! Thank you, Kenny.
Welcome to East Hollywood Squares.
Hello, stars.
Good to see you.
Well, you know Susan here and Henry, our players.
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and I want to show you folks at home.
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who our secret square is for this first game.
So, Susie, you'regoing to start it off.
You won the toss backstage, so pick a star and good luck.
Okay, I'll take Ike Turner, please.
- [Peter.]
Ike, how's it going? - What the problem is! - I said how are you? - Yeah, back at you with a baseball bat.
Uh, Ike, listen carefully.
How long.
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How long does it taketo whip eggs for a soufflé? Tina? Is that you? Tina, you shut your damn mouth.
Uh, are you listening carefully? The question refers to whipping eggs, Ike.
Oh, I thought you meant whippin' ass.
Okay, look here.
Uh, all right, Peter.
That's right.
That's right.
Well, first of all, you got to begin with they're good eggs, then they're bad eggs.
First you got to get all up in here.
Now, once you up in there, you got to bust it open.
Crack it.
You know what I'm sayin'.
Crack? Who said somethin' about crack? No, man, that ain't no crack.
That was, uh, baking soda, man.
I'm off the narcotic.
And, Tina, if you're watchin', call me, girl.
I got a tune for ya.
All right, Peter, I gotta say about three minutes.
- Three minutes, Susan.
- I'll agree.
- [Buzzer Buzzes.]
- No, no, I'm sorry.
That's incorrect.
It's about, uh.
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It's about nine.
Nine minutes.
And, Ike, get some help, please.
Okay, uh, Henry, uh, pick a star.
- I'm gonna go with Eartha Kitt.
- Sure.
Eartha, in the movie Batman Returns.
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what box office starplayed Catwoman? Well, Peter.
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[Purrs.]
I hate to be catty, but I do, uh.
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I do say that after all I should've played the part.
That Michelle Pfeiffer is just not half the "cat-ress" I am.
She was a catastrophe.
[Hacking.]
Just as I thought.
A hair ball.
I believe the answer is.
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Her answer is Michelle Pfeiffer.
- I'll agree.
- Correct.
"X" gets the square.
All right, Susan.
Your turn.
Okay, I'll got with Isabel Sanford.
[Peter.]
Isabel, dear, nice to see you.
[Deep Voice.]
Yes, George.
No, no, no, Isabel.
It's Peter here.
- Oh, I'm sorry, Mr.
Bentley.
- That's all right.
According to theFood and Drug Administration.
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what's partof a well-balanced breakfast? Oh, that's simple.
Corn flakes, toast, whiskey, cigarettes.
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perhaps that fur ball she just coughed up.
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and a hint of schnapps.
Isabel, girl, you sound kinda cute.
Can you take a punch? [Snorting.]
- Well, Peter, I'm gonna have to disagree.
- [Bell Dings.]
Correct.
Circle gets the square.
Put the circle up there,Isabel.
There you are.
You know, we've been playing the game here all evening.
We haven't even heard from our good friend Gary Coleman.
- Gary, how're you doing up there? - How ya doin', Peter? - Nice.
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Good, good.
You see that?- [Audience Applauding.]
Tell us.
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What have you been up to? Well, I just finished my new book.
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What You Talkin'About?I'm Not Webster.
All right.
Your pick, Henry.
- I'm thinking of going with my favorite actor, Antonio Vargas.
- Certainly.
[Siren Wailing.]
[Peter.]
That's it.
That is the secret square.
All right, here we go, for the game.
We go to Huggy Bear.
What were George Washington'sfalse teeth made of? I don't know nothin', Starsky.
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but the word on the street says that Baretta's got a bird.
And there's stuff comin' in on Pier 4.
You know, I had goldfish in my stash.
All right.
Do you agree or disagree? - I'll agree.
- No.
- [Buzzer Buzzes.]
- I'm terribly sorry.
You should've disagreed.
Susan, well, you can win it all right here, okay? Oh, this is so exciting.
I'm gonna take Huggy Bear to win! For the win, Antonio, what do Georgia,Florida and the Carolinas have in common? Hey, hey, hey, Hutch, Hutch.
I don't know nothin' about nothin', man.
But all I know is word is on the street.
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that they all down with a pimp named Silky.
- I'll disagree.
- [Bell Dings.]
Circle gets the square and the game.
Congratulations, Susan.
It looks like you're our new champion.
Uh, Peter, excuse me, but nobody asked me anything up here.
I'm wonderin' why nobody asked me nothin'.
'Cause you're too damn loud! That's why! Who you callin' loud, you old crow? Crack-smokin'.
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Boy, you better shut up.
I'll whoop you like you was Tina! I'll perm your curls.
I'll stick my foot in your behind and kick it to hell and back! - I'll kill you.
! - Did someone say Helen? Well, that does it for this session of the East Hollywood Squares.
Thank you, stars.
Thank you, players.
Thank you, audience.
And join us next time for more fun on the East Hollywood Squares.
Bye-bye.
Thanks for watchin'.
We'll see you next week.
Good night, tomahawk.
[Theme.]
[Theme.]