It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s05e09 Episode Script

[Knocking.]
[Mac.]
Dee.
Dee.
Dee.
Dee.
Sweet Dee.
Sweet Dee.
Sweet Dee.
Sweet Dee.
[Dennis.]
Hey! Sweet Dee.
Sweet Dee.
Sweet Dee.
Sweet Dee.
Sweet Dee.
What? Hey.
Hey- Oh- What the hell is this? - Oh, yeah.
- [Purring.]
- [Dennis.]
Uh-oh.
- And so it begins.
- Mmm.
- What are you talking about? I got a cat.
So what? Congratulations, Dee.
You've begun your transformation into crazy cat lady.
I didn't begin a transformation.
I just- I just got a cat 'cause I wanted something to hang out with.
I don't have, you know, a roommate or anything, and I don't really have anyone to talk to, so I If you listen to yourself, you would realize you're only strengthening our argument.
What do you want? We need a big bowl for popcorn.
- Yeah! - Mac and Dennis movie night! Whoosh! Tuesday night's movie night! We're doing Predator again.
You guys don't have a bowl? Um We don't have a big one, no.
Not a big enough one for what we need, Dee.
[Clattering.]
All right! Be careful! Come on! These cups suck.
You serious? Yeah.
Oh! Bingo.
Yeah, you found it.
Nice.
Why did you guys have to both come over here to get one bowl? It's more fun if we both come.
I was gonna hold the bowl.
Dennis was gonna stand next to me and make snide comments.
Yeah.
That's right.
Oh, you look like a bird.
That's one.
Uh- Old.
Pick a new one.
You got a new one? It's an oldie but goodie.
- He comes up with good ones.
- Yeah, no.
That was a good one.
I don't understand why you can't make snide remarks and hold a bowl at the same time though.
It doesn't make sense.
You're fixating too much on the bowl aspect of it.
Put it this way.
If the two of us didn't come together, what if one of us were to get into a jam? Mmm.
Be silly not to have the other one there.
Silly? Dennis, that sounds downright dangerous.
Yeah.
See, you'll never get out of a jam because you got no friends.
Well, you're a spinster.
Mm-hmm.
A lonely spinster.
With a cat.
[Both Giggling.]
Those are all funny.
It's funny 'cause I feel like you guys are two codependent losers who are so wrapped up in each other that it's hard for you to see how pathetic your lives are.
It's like you're an old married couple.
No, Dee.
We're more like a dynamic duo.
So you don't think that two 30-year-old men who spend every waking moment together is a little bit pathetic? Well, we don't spend every waking moment together.
- What are you, crazy? - You're right.
I'm sorry.
When was the last time you went more than an hour without seeing each other? All the time.
Every day.
- Okay.
Without checking in? - Ch- Checking.
That's Uh-huh.
He always checks in with me.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He likes to have me check in, but it's not like Okay.
Enjoy that movie, boners.
[Exhales.]
She doesn't know anything about friendship, dude.
No.
How could she? She doesn't have any friends.
"Old married couple.
" That's what she called [Both Chuckling.]
[Door Opens.]
- Hey-oh.
- Yo, where you been? What do you mean? I was getting the movie.
Yeah, but you weren't answering any of my calls.
I've been calling you sort of over and over again.
I was having a conversation with the video store clerk.
Yeah, but I texted you 911, dude.
That means it's an emergency.
Yeah, I saw that.
Yeah.
Uh, what was the emergency, Mac? Well, I couldn't get in touch with you, dude.
I almost called the police.
The police? I mean, that's a bit of an overreaction.
I was gone for what, an hour? Yeah, but I thought we had a deal.
You know, you would check in every once in a while, and then that way I would know that you were okay.
Okay.
I- I'm okay.
Uh, I'm sorry.
Can we watch the movie? Yeah.
Great.
Sure.
Yeah.
The Transporter 2? Yeah, I- Look, man.
I-I-I I know you wanted to see Predator again, but I feel like we've seen that 30 times in the last two months and thought maybe we could mix things up.
Video store clerk guy said this movie's awesome, so The video store clerk guy.
I feel like you won't [Chuckles.]
stop talking about him.
Huh.
I asked him for a movie recommendation, okay? Yeah.
And you got one.
It's really not that big of a deal.
Well, the big deal, Dennis, is that I wasn't even consulted on the decision.
Okay? And this is a big deal to me as well.
It's also my night.
Plus, Transporter 2? We haven't seen Transporter 1, which means we'll be completely lost.
I doubt it.
Plus Jason Statham's physique is nothing like the lineup in Predator.
Okay, stop.
I don't want to have conversations anymore about dudes' physiques, and whether they can Dennis, in body mass alone That's what I was trying to avoid- a conversation about body mass, okay? We've had that conversation five times a day for the last month because we keep watching Predator, and all you talk about is Weathers and-and-and Jesse "the Body" Ventura and how many pounds they can pack on.
It's important to pack on mass.
You're talking about carbo-loading.
I don't want to have this conversation with you anymore.
No.
You'd rather have conversations with video store clerks.
You know what, man? If you don't want to watch the movie with me, that's fine.
I will watch it by myself.
Goddamn it! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Where is this coming from? I have been thinking a lot about what Dee said, and I do think [Exhales.]
maybe we are spending a little bit too much time together.
Wh-What are you saying? I'm saying that I feel like we're in a little bit of a rut, and I feel like I'm not flourishing.
[Clicks Tongue.]
Well, far be it from me to, uh, keep the flower of you from flourishing, but, uh, I guess I'll grab my shit and stay at Charlie's.
Wait.
Don't do that.
[Exhales.]
I feel like I'm the one that got us into this mess.
Okay.
So you'll stay at Charlie's then.
No.
You should stay there because you already said that you would.
Also, I have more stuff.
It'll take me longer to pack, and it'll be easier.
[Doorbell Rings.]
Hi.
I'm responding to a missing persons report.
I'll pack my things.
- [Knocking.]
- Hey! [Laughing.]
Hey-oh! What's the matter with you? What are you doing here? - I came to hang out with you.
- I thought it was movie night.
Yeah, it is movie night.
But, uh, Mac and I are taking a little bit of a break.
I was thinking about what you were saying.
You were right.
I wasn't spending enough time by myself.
I wasn't being an independent individual.
I wasn't flourishing.
So let's watch the movie together, you and me.
[Meowing.]
I'm kind of in the middle of something with my cat right now.
Oh.
Okay.
Well, yeah.
I like cats.
Let's bring him into the mix.
Uh, can't do that.
He is in the wall somewhere.
- He's in the wall? - Yeah.
I think he got into the wall.
Wow.
Well, that's a bummer.
[Meowing Continues.]
But I'm sure he'll come out at some point.
Got himself in there.
I'm sure he'll get himself out.
Or he won't, and he'll die in there, and you'll have a dead cat smell for a while.
But listen, I'm gonna help you out of that jam.
Open the windows and get some scented candles going, maybe get a big fan in here and then he'll decompose and everything will be fine.
Boom! That's what it's like to have a sidekick.
Helped you out of a jam.
[Meowing Continues.]
In the meantime, let's watch the movie.
I want to- I want to [Exhales.]
Just want to watch a movie with you.
Could we do that? Why don't you just put your trash into a trash can? I put it in the trash can when I'm ready to take it outside, dude.
Yeah, but you could skip a step by first putting it into the can.
And you can shut the hell up, man.
Okay.
And Jesus Christ, Frank.
Are you cutting your toenails with a steak knife? I suppose you have a problem with that too? Ah! Oh! Oh! Botched toe! I botched that one.
Oh, that's a botch job.
That's bleeding.
I need some trash to plug up the cut.
Do not plug an open wound with trash.
- Well, it's bleeding like a sieve.
- Then use your sock, bro.
Don't waste a good sock on a tiny little cut.
Sock.
I'll find you a candy wrapper if you give me a second.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh, wait a minute.
That's- That's working.
Oh, it's acting like a cut glove.
Ah! Unbelievable, dude.
Waste of a sock.
There are so many things that are gonna need to change now that I'm living here.
Are you hearing this shit, bro? Well, you know, he's got some good ideas.
What? - Maybe it wouldn't be bad if he moved in.
- Are you serious, dude? I could use a little structure in my life here.
No, man.
Look at all the trash all over the place.
Oh, I love the trash.
He's cleaning up the trash.
Mmm [Phone Ringing.]
I don't want struc- [Groans.]
Uh- Eh- Is that Dennis? I don't know who it is.
I haven't answered the phone.
Are you gonna answer it though, because- Okay.
Unbelievable, dude.
- I'm just gonna get it.
Hello? - Hey, buddy.
How you doing? Oh, Mac is being annoying as shit.
That him? Oh, Mac's being annoying? That's a big surprise.
He bossing you around a whole bunch? Totally bossing me around.
Yeah.
Typical.
It's what he does.
It's what he does.
- Did he mention me? - No.
No? Really? He didn't say anything at all about me or What is this, dude? Did you call me just to talk about Mac? Okay, 'cause I don't want to talk about Mac with you.
Is he talking about me? -No, no, no, no.
Tell him I'm not talking about him at all.
-I'm not telling him shit, dude.
I'm gonna hang up the phone on you.
No, no, Charlie.
Don't hang up the phone.
I didn't call to talk about Mac.
I swear to God, dude.
Please.
Come on.
I could care less about that guy.
Are you kidding me? Called to talk to you.
Wanted to see if you wanted to come over to Dee's apartment.
- We're doing a movie night.
- Charlie, hang up the phone.
Oh, my God, dude.
I'll be right over.
Hang up the phone.
Yes! Yeah! Yes! Yes.
Yeah.
Hey, Dee.
Charlie's coming over.
I don't care.
Ah, shit.
I don't care either.
I am so excited to watch this movie without Mac.
He is so annoying.
He's always constantly critiquing the fight scenes and talking about how he could choreograph the fight scenes so much better than they could, which is ridiculous.
- He doesn't know shit.
- Ooh! Dennis, I pinpointed him.
Dee, will you forget the goddamn cat for a second and listen to all the interesting things I have to say? You're being the worst sidekick right now.
No, you're being the worst sidekick.
[Meowing.]
I thought sidekicks were supposed to help each other out of jams.
What? I did help you out of the jam.
I told you what to do with your dead, stinking cat.
No, no, no, no, no.
Come on.
Oh! I lost him.
I lost him, Dennis.
Thanks a lot.
Oh, do me a favor.
Peel this apple for me, please? No! No, I'm not gonna peel an apple for you.
But Mac always does it for me.
Why does Mac peel your apples for you? He doesn't like for me to eat the apples with the skin on it.
He says the skin's loaded with toxins.
Okay.
Well, good news.
Mac's not here.
I know he's not here, and that's why I need you to do it for me.
- Please? Please? - Oh, Jesus.
Just eat it with the skin on it.
I do not like it with the skin, Dee! I'm not allowed to eat it with the skin! - I'm not allowed! - Oh, my God! All right.
If you just shut up, I will peel the apple for you the way that Mac likes you to eat it.
Give it to me.
Give it to me! I'll do it the way that Mac insists.
Okay? Yeah.
Hey-oh! Is that Charlie? Charlie's in the house! Charlie's in the house! Hey! Hey! Hey, you want a skinless apple, bud? Yup.
Two skinless apples, Dee.
Let's fire the movie up.
It's movie night.
- Here's your apple, dick.
- All right.
Yeah.
Where's mine? Are you kidding me? Mmm.
You can peel your own apple, Charlie.
Mmm.
She's in a little bit of a mood because her cat got stuck in the wall.
Cat in the wall, eh? Okay.
Now you're talking my language.
I know this game.
All right.
Catch me up to speed here.
What do we got? You're putting Cheeto fingers all over the wall.
All right.
Let's focus, Dee.
What's the point of entry here? That's the thing, Charlie.
I've been looking all around this goddamn place.
I can't find one.
All right.
I've seen this before.
You know what happened? I bet it flattened itself out, went right through a seam in your wall.
I don't think there's anything in the laws of nature that would support that.
Cats do not abide by the laws of nature, all right? Hey.
You don't know shit about ca- We're still gonna watch the movie, right? Uh- Uh, yeah.
Yeah? I think it's stuck in there.
No! It is not stuck.
All right.
Let's focus on what's happening with the cat, all right? It made a conscious decision to go in your wall.
Correct? Really? Absolutely.
Absolutely.
It chose to be in there.
It wants to be in your wall, Dee.
Thinking about getting some catnip, and I was gonna put it- No, no, no, no.
Don't do that.
Don't do that.
It's gonna know that's a trap, Dee.
Okay? That's gonna irritate the cat, then it's gonna dig itself down further.
We may never get to it.
Okay? You serious? Let's start thinking like a cat here.
All right? You know, we- we need another cat.
Yes? That's what we need.
Here's what we're gonna do.
I'm gonna crack a little hole in your wall- Tiny one.
It'll be cool.
And then I'm gonna slip a second cat in with a string tied around it.
Those two will become codependent, then I'll rip the second cat out, and the first one hopefully- hopefully will follow.
Hey, hey.
Hey, man.
Hey.
I'm sorry.
I don't mean to keep bugging you, but you didn't tell me what to do.
I don't care.
Do you want me to start it now or wait? I'll wait.
Yeah.
Start it.
But I want to watch it with you.
I will wait.
Just start the movie, man, 'cause I'm having a conversation here! - All day.
- [Mouths Word.]
All right.
Where are we gonna get this other cat? I can get you another cat.
I got followed here by, like, 10 cats.
Yeah, they're starting to follow me these days.
Uh-I You know, I don't want you to miss the setup.
[Mouths Words.]
I got everything- all the groceries, no cat food.
[Chuckles.]
And I bumped into that guy at the video store.
- Beefcake? - Total jerk-off.
[Exhales.]
Nice.
- Hey! This place is tits! - Yeah, right? Looks good.
Huh? You did a great job.
Thank you.
Whoa! Frank! No, no! Oh, God, dude! What? The skin of those things is riddled with toxins! [Groans.]
Yeah, get it out though.
Get it all out.
Yuck! [Spitting.]
Whoo! That was a close call.
Good save.
Hey, all right.
Well, don't touch me with it.
Hey, also- I cleaned out this closet.
I'm telling you, bro, we could fit a mattress in there.
You and Charlie don't have to sleep next to each other anymore.
Well, I- I kind of liked the other arrangement though.
That was pretty good.
[Chuckles.]
Yeah.
The other arrangement was- was not pretty good.
It was, um It was, uh- What- What's the word I'm looking for? - Crazy.
- No, it's not- not crazy.
It's like - Wackadoo.
- No.
Just stop.
Whoa! Wh-What- What are you doing now, dude? What? I'm taking the toxic skin off.
Yeah, but you're cutting it with your toe knife.
- Who gives a shit? - Frank, that is disgusting.
What- What are you talking about? I'm throwing it out.
- Wait.
You're throwing my toe knife out? - The toe knife is gone.
- Why would you do that? - Because you were cutting your fruit with it! What the hell's going on here? Look, Mac.
I mean, look.
I I think the cleaning up and the throwing the trash away is good, but the you know, the sleeping arrangements and the plastic and throwing the toe knife out the window, that's I'm not gonna put on airs just because I got company.
- So you think not eating cat food is putting on airs? - You betcha! Look, I gotta take a walk.
My head is swimming.
That's fine.
Just make sure you, you know, check in.
Oh, my.
'Cause I haven't heard from Charlie, and it is getting late.
- Yeah, right.
- Okay.
Be safe.
[Door Closes.]
[Movie On TV, Indistinct.]
Okay, Dee! This little lady is a calico cat.
All calico cats are female.
[Meowing.]
I'm gonna pop this little girl in your wall here.
[Growling, Hissing.]
She's gonna meet your little fella, they're gonna bond and then I'm gonna rip her out and he's gonna come right afterwards.
Are you sure? Mm-hmm.
[Growling.]
You hear that? Uh, I hear a squabble.
Mm-hmm.
It's all part of the dance, okay? [Screeching, Hissing.]
They do a little sq- Come on.
Wait.
Hold on.
They do a little Uh-oh.
[Clicks Tongue.]
Crap.
Thanks a lot, Charlie.
Mmm.
Goddamn it.
I knew I should've gotten a bird.
A bird? What are you gonna do with a bird? Yeah! Hey, guys! I swallowed apple seeds! So what? Are they poisonous? Are you kidding me, dude? They're extremely poisonous! They're absolutely not poisonous! Should I make myself throw up? I would throw up now! Oh, goddamn it! Apple seeds, man? That's no good.
Are you kidding me? Apple seeds- Yo! Hey.
Oh, hi.
Come on in.
[Exhales.]
So, uh, how's life with Mac? I'm off him.
He's too pushy.
Yeah, no shit.
You back on my team? If there's room for me.
There is always room for you, bud.
Give it to me.
[Both Grunting, Laughing.]
[Dennis.]
Hey, guys! I can't throw up.
Should I stick a finger down my throat? Yes! Oh, my God.
You guys, we gotta- [Retching.]
Oh, man.
We gotta get Mac and Dennis back together, okay? Because they are ruining all of our lives.
What's the situation? [Retching Continues.]
I got two cats stuck inside this wall.
Can't get 'em out.
You want to bring in a third? I'm thinking maybe four.
- What? No! No! No! No more cats! - A deep hole Frank, get out of here! You're making it worse! Whoa.
Back off Frank.
We work very well together, okay? We're the gruesome twosome! Gruesome twosome! [Braying, Grunting.]
All right! Okay! I am gonna go and get Mac and Dennis back together.
I'm gonna get a bird, I'm gonna get two cats out of my wall and then I'm gonna go back to being alone.
Excuse me.
Can you part for one second? Sure.
Thank you.
Thank you.
[Retching Continues.]
What? He swallowed some apple seeds.
Sit down.
What - What- - Sit.
What is he doing here? I was told I would be meeting a woman with giant breasts.
I was also told that I was to meet a woman with giant breasts.
Yes, geniuses.
I set you up.
Now, can you please make up, because you're driving everyone crazy.
Look, I'm sorry that I called you codependent, okay? I think you have a great friendship, and it's perfectly natural for two grown men to need each other this badly.
So make up, please.
[Sighs.]
I guess I should [Grunts.]
[Grunts.]
You son of a bitch! Okay.
All right.
Okay.
Oh, my God.
You know what? Fine.
I don't care anymore.
Guess what? Neither one of you are ever going into my apartment ever again, okay? So make up, don't make up, kill each other- I don't care.
I need to go get a bird.
She looks like a bird.
[Chuckles.]
I swallowed some apple seeds today.
Did you make yourself throw up? I tried, but I couldn't.
Smoke some cigarettes.
The smoke will suffocate the bacteria in your stomach.
Okay.
Thanks.
How was Charlie's? [Groans.]
The way they live, bro, it's It's like, um- It's like- Preposterous.
Yeah, dude! Preposterous! Yeah.
I've been trying to come up with that all day! Yeah.
God, dude! This is why you and I are such a good team.
You know? Like, I'm a man of action, and you're a man that comes up with good Words? Words, dude! Okay.
Yeah.
Great.
You really gotta work on your vocabulary though, man.
Well, you could help me.
You couldn't think of the word "words.
" Is everything okay here, gentlemen? Uh, yeah.
Everything's fine.
Uh, not that it concerns you.
Now might be a good time for you to pay your bill and leave.
Well, you're not making sense 'cause we didn't buy anything.
Actually, I- Oh.
- I had a couple of rum and Cokes.
- You had six, actually.
Six? I had six of 'em.
Did you? Yeah.
I was nervous about the big-breasted lady.
I- I was nervous about her too.
You got nervous too? A beautiful woman.
Dee said she had giant boobs, you know? I'm really excited about it.
[Clears Throat.]
Will that be cash or charge? I also was assuming that the big-breasted lady was gonna pay for the drinks, so I don't have any money.
I've got some cash.
I can- I can get you out of this jam.
[Bird Chirping.]
[All Meowing.]
Watch your eyes.
What? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What the hell is going on? The gruesome twosome in effect! [Grunting, Braying.]
Yeah.
We're bashing a bigger hole in your wall.
- We're gonna stuff all the cats in at one time.
- Yeah, I see that.
No more big holes in my wall, no more cats.
We're doing the bird thing.
I got one.
I tied a string around his teeny, tiny little legs.
I'm sending it in.
You're gonna toss a bird in? I'm gonna toss the bird in, Charlie.
- Go ahead, Dee.
Toss the bird in.
- Check this out.
Watch this.
[Frank.]
Dinner time.
Go on, guy.
Do your thing.
[Charlie.]
All right.
[Meowing.]
Go on.
You got it.
[Screeching.]
Whoa! Hold on.
Hold on.
Hold on, guy.
I got you.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! Come on.
[Meowing.]
[Charlie Laughs.]
Well, congratulations, Dee.
You have some very satisfied cats in there, okay? Now will you step aside and let the men do the work? Shut up! Shut up, okay? I got it from here, all right? I'm bashing a hole in my wall.
I'm going in myself.
Give me this.
Get out of the way.
All right.
I'm not kidding.
Get the hell out of the way.
Oh.
I'm dead serious.
I'm going in.
I've had enough.
Go for it.
Bash away.
Bash away.
[Shouting.]
[Frank.]
Whoa! Oh! - I'm gonna get you, you jerk! - Yeah! Yeah, Deandra! [Panting.]
Come on, kitty.
[Meowing.]
Oh.
Come on.
Okay.
I'll get you.
I'll get you.
Wait- Oh.
Wow! There are a lot of cats back here! Yeah.
We put a lot of cats in there.
[Cell Phone Rings.]
Oh, I'm getting a text.
Ooh.
Who is it? Ah, the dynamic duo in effect.
Oh, they're back together! [Chuckles.]
Yeah.
All right.
They're watching Predator.
You want to join? Absolutely, dude.
Great.
Deandra, we're out of here.
Yeah.
Hey, you guys? We're going.
Yeah? You guys, I think I'm stuck in the wall.
That's why she needs a friend.
You gotta have a sidekick.
That's all I'm saying.
That's all I'm saying.
All right- Oops.
Okay, I'm trying to back out, but my shirt's caught on something.
[Cats Screeching, Hissing.]
Guys? Guys? Guys, come on! [Voices Speaking Backwards.]