JAG s05e09 Episode Script

Stand clear to roll press.
It's hot off the press.
"The name of the writer, an officer in the United States Navy, is being withheld at his request.
" Because he knew by writing that op-ed piece, he'd committed a crime.
It's a clear violation of Article 88.
Oh, yes, sir, it does appear to be contemptuous of the president.
Well, let's see, lieutenant.
He calls the president a criminal liar and spineless buffoon.
- Yeah, I think so.
- Are we investigating, sir? Colonel, this is gonna be all over the city in an hour and around the world in two.
SECNAV informs me the president is getting a little testy about this sort of thing.
Find out who wrote it.
He will be prosecuted.
Wow, Harm, with a slice like that, you'd be two fairways over.
Hey, who wants to play a hole the easy way? I guess if I was a member of Congress, I'd have nothing but time to practise my golf game.
Yeah, cocktails and golf.
That's all we do, until we're voting ourself raises.
This is your idea of relaxation? Listen, you needed to do something relaxing.
I mean, ever since you got back from the carrier, you've been at loose ends.
Maybe I should take up stamp collecting.
Wait, wait, wait.
Your grip is too weak, okay? You need to turn them more to your right.
Listen, I met with my opposite number on the Senate Armed Forces committee yesterday.
- Like this? - Look where the V between your thumb and fingers is pointing.
West Virginia? But it should be pointing to your right shoulder.
I got a peek at the promotions list.
- Damn.
- You were on it.
- Commander? - No, you skipped four grades to vice admiral.
Yes, commander.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
Damn.
You were at your Congressional Liaison meeting this morning, right? Yes, sir.
How are things on the Hill these days? Oh, definitely moving to the right, sir.
Well, these things are cyclical.
Had your people seen the morning paper yet? Good morning, sir.
No, sir, it wasn't mentioned.
Why? Op-ed piece.
Guest editorial.
"The soiling of the presidency.
Our president, my commander-in-chief, is not only a physi-- Physical and mor-- Moral coward" Oh, they're making this damn type smaller so they can sell more ads.
"--Ward has imposed his own bravery-deprived character on the Armed Forces of the United States as exemplified by, among other things, the sleazily disgraceful restrictions imposed on our air war over Kosovo.
" Written by an anonymous Naval officer.
Contemptuous words, sir.
- Exactly.
Familiar with the concept? - Yes, sir.
In 1993, an Air Force general, in a speech, called the president draft-dodging, pot-smoking, womanising and gay-Ioving.
He was reprimanded, fined and forced to retire.
I think our anonymous editorialist is entitled to some leave time as well.
Why don't you join the posse? Yes, sir.
As I told you on the phone, we take pledges of confidentiality very seriously here.
We just thought it might be productive to meet.
So I'd swoon over your uniforms? I haven't seen this many sailors since - "Anchors Away" on The Late Show.
- Actually, I'm a Marine.
Excuse me.
What you're trying to tell me is that the person who wrote this editorial, as a military officer, is not allowed to criticise the president.
But three of you, as military officers, are allowed to interrogate a newspaper editor about who's been exercising their right to free speech.
Well, ma'am, as military officers, we accept limits on our right to free speech.
It's all spelled out in Article 88 of the Uniform Code of Military Justice.
I would hardly call this an interrogation, Miss Wexler.
Well, if you came by to submit an op-ed piece, I'll be happy to consider it.
The reason officers aren't allowed to be contemptuous of civilian leaders is to keep the military out of politics.
We don't have military coups in this country.
I assume your paper would like to keep it that way.
So if I don't tell you who wrote that editorial, I can expect to see tanks rolling down Pennsylvania Avenue? How do you know that the author of this op-ed piece is a Naval officer? Because he or she answered some questions we asked in a very convincing way.
He or she? You didn't meet this person? - No.
- So we're wasting our time here? Well, you did get to give me a civics lesson.
We didn't get the name, but it looks like you could have had a date.
Liberals love me, colonel.
I'm a challenge.
We could subpoena their records.
Yeah, they'd scream freedom of the press, and the Supreme Court would get to deciding the issue sometime during Chelsea Clinton's second term as president, if we're lucky.
Maybe you should ask her out on a date.
You know, she never met him or her but asked questions and got answers.
- So how would they communicate? - E-mail.
We can go to ISPs and companies that operate SMTP servers.
They don't have a freedom-of-the-press issue.
Don't you love it when he talks like that? Places that send and forward e-mail.
That op-ed piece had to leave a trail.
Go get them, sailor.
Okay, how about a break? You want a snack? Yeah? Okay.
Yogurt? Moo goo gai pan from last Sunday or a dog biscuit? Yeah, that does look best.
Hello? This is Colonel MacKenzie.
Yes, I am a lawyer.
Now? This really isn't my area.
The hospital counsel is on vacation.
We needed somebody right away.
Major Jackson apparently met you at a party or something.
I guess I come well-recommended.
We needed a lawyer.
This is, or was, Marine Sergeant Kent Davy.
He was in a car crash a few hours ago.
Reached us with severe internal injuries.
- He didn't make it.
- I'm sorry.
What's the issue? Malpractice? - The car crash? - No.
The young lady over there, she's the sergeant's fiancée.
She says she and the sergeant were about to get married and they wanted to have children.
I'm very sorry.
She still wants to have the children.
- Excuse me? - She wants us to extract his sperm.
That's a negative, ma'am.
- Good morning, Gunny.
- Commander.
Marine, what the hell is going on in here? What are you doing in my office? Your office has been secured.
You can't go in there right now.
- Why not? - Sir, I tried to call you.
I came back here yesterday as we discussed, and I found the server that routed the op-ed piece to the newspaper.
Excellent.
Where did it come from? Your computer, sir.
You don't think I did it, do you, sir? No, but, commander, nobody gives a damn what I think.
I tried to keep this thing in-house, but to avoid the appearance of conflict of interest, pursuit of the matter's been turned over to the Office of Inspector General.
OIG? Admiral, they land a crooked JAG, their budget goes up.
Oh, hell, yes.
But, commander, we're in no position to question their integrity since somebody has put yours in question first.
Sir, I rarely lock the door to my office.
Anybody could have gone in there and tampered with my computer.
Oh, great, great.
You didn't commit the crime but somebody else under my command did.
Sir, all I know is that I didn't do it.
Well, good.
Hate to see you suffer the same fate as that Air Force general or Private Callen.
Who's Private Callen, sir? Oh, in 1942, he denounced President Franklin Roosevelt as a dirty politician trying to enslave the world.
Got 20 years at hard labour.
Of course, we were at war at that time.
You could probably get off with, say, ten.
Sir, I've been doing some more computer research.
I'm not sure I can survive much more of your research, Bud.
Our systems here are on a network that's always connected to the Internet.
That means that each computer has a fixed Internet protocol number.
Which means that the hacker can sniff his way in, take control of a computer-- Send outgoing e-mail, like that op-ed piece.
Exactly.
So either some hacker randomly chose your computer, or somebody's out to get you.
Maybe to get even for something.
So I've taken the liberty, sir, of looking through your case files to find anybody that you might have pissed-- Antagonised.
Defendants, witnesses, other lawyers, judges.
My own personal enemies list.
Yes, sir, it's in my office.
If you could find the time to come and take a look at it I think I have some time right now, Bud.
I thought it best to cast a wide net, sir.
Well, it's a good thing I'm easygoing, lieutenant, or that would be a very large pile.
Commander Rabb? That's me.
Agent John Nichols, Office of the Inspector General.
A civilian.
That's right.
So I don't have an axe to grind.
Well, somebody does, Agent Nichols.
You may wanna take a look through that stack of files.
I've already read some files, commander.
I found one that said during a court-martial on USS Patrick Henry, you criticised the president's air war over Kosovo.
Not directly.
Oh, you saved your direct criticism for the op-ed piece.
Did you say you were here to conduct an investigation or just to execute the accused? I'm investigating, commander.
Would you care to assist me in my enquiries? - Yeah, let's go in my office.
- Can't.
My men aren't through searching it.
You can use my office, sir.
- So you deny the allegation? - I do.
Despite the fact that the editorial came from your computer? Somebody could have hacked into my computer and sent the editorial.
One of these people? It could be.
"Corporal Arnold Hobson.
Convicted by you of getting drunk, stealing an armoured personnel carrier and driving it into the Patuxent River.
" Do you really think that he is sophisticated enough to identify your Internet protocol address, log into the JAG network, hoax the firewall, identify your CPU, upload the editorial and route it to the newspaper? I don't know.
Why don't you find out? We'll ask him.
In the meantime, commander, I suggest you get yourself a lawyer.
Knock, knock.
Come on in.
Just catching up with my fan club.
You didn't do it, did you? You know, it was my suggestion that lead to the discovery that the damn editorial came from my computer.
Very clever.
Throw people off the scent.
You know, despite your lousy sense of humour, you may have what I'm looking for in a lawyer.
I've just been told I need one.
I can't do it, Harm.
I have just been told I'm a potential prosecution witness.
- What? - Agent Nichols found out about the joke you told at Commander Mattoni's birthday party last year.
What joke? The White House intern Close but no cigar.
Yeah, and you say I have a terrible sense of humour.
Excuse me, colonel.
Commander Rabb, you have a phone call.
Congresswoman Latham, line four.
- Rabb.
- You free for lunch? Sure.
I can't get into my office anyway.
Occidental, 30 minutes.
- See you there.
- Okay.
You think the OIG will file additional charges if I take an early lunch? - Let me walk you out.
- Where are you going? Well, if things work out, to cut the sperm out of a dead man.
They told me they could do it up to 30 hours after he died.
And they put him in the morgue, in a refrigerator.
- Miss Westin-- - Laurie.
Laurie.
I'm very sorry for your loss.
Then help me.
They told me they'd do it if you said it was okay.
- This is an unusual request.
- Well, other people have done it.
I read it in a magazine.
Kent and I were gonna be married on Saturday.
We wanted children.
I wanna have his children.
This is a terrible time, Laurie, but I have gotta be blunt.
- About what? - There's gotta be some suspicion.
About what? That you're after Sergeant Davy's survivor's benefits for the child you might have.
I will sign a paper.
I will do whatever you want.
I don't want money.
I don't want benefits.
I just wanna have Kent's baby.
That's what you want.
But we have no way of knowing what he wanted.
Yes, we do.
I went home and got these.
He mailed them to me when he was on temporary duty in Guantanamo.
There.
"My darling, I think about you all the time.
About the life we're gonna have.
Together forever.
I don't care where the Marines send me as long as they send you with me, you and our kids.
Daughters as beautiful as you are, sons who will love their mother as much as I do.
I'm the happiest man in the world.
" He sounds like a wonderful man.
He wasn't exactly my first boyfriend, colonel, but with Kent, everything was different, special.
Your child will never know him, Laurie.
Is that really what you want? I mean, you're a young woman.
Someday down the road, you might meet another man.
Other single women have kids.
Lesbians.
I mean, professional women go off to China and they adopt.
Why can't I have a child with the only man I've ever loved? Right this way, sir.
Excuse me, can we see a wine list, please? Well, you didn't tell me you were bringing friends.
It's an honour, commander.
I read about your exploits over Kosovo.
Pushing that crippled plane by its tail hook.
A genuine hero.
Please.
Harm, this is Daniel Citrone.
He used to sit on the National Security Subcommittee with me.
A genuine congressman.
Ex.
The voters decided I was ready to retire.
Now I run an outfit called the Roanoke Liberty Foundation.
I've heard of it.
It's a big name in conservative causes.
Principled conservative causes.
This is Suzanne Moore, our administrative officer.
It's an honour.
Really? Then you haven't heard what's been going on with me.
Oh, we have.
That's why we asked Congresswoman Latham to introduce us.
Well, call me naive, but I would have thought that you and the congresswoman would despise each other's principles.
We're politicians, not fanatics.
We can distinguish our philosophical differences from our common humanity.
I only agreed to set this up because I'm worried about you, Harm.
The Navy will do anything to minimise its embarrassment, including throwing you to the sharks.
I remind you, Congresswoman Latham, you have a habit of underrating the Navy.
And how would you rate the way they've proceeded against you so far? - I believe they'll do the right thing.
- We just wanna make sure of that.
So we're offering you top legal counsel at no charge.
Well, sir, no disrespect, but you people are famous for being anti-Clinton.
I show up with one of your lawyers, I'll be proving their case against me.
Then don't use our lawyer.
We'll hire you a Communist if you want.
It's still your money.
We're not poison, Commander Rabb.
We've won very important victories for student-led school prayer, the right not to be forced into unions.
I brought you some copies of our newsletter.
"Moral values, not market values.
Raise our children with discipline and devotion, not the wackily trendy guidelines of the education establishment.
" I'm sure you agree with at least some of our issues.
I'm just not ready to be one of your issues.
Harm, you're gonna be an issue whether you want to or not.
At least go to battle with help.
Don't they teach something like that at Annapolis? That fact that I'm innocent should be enough.
That's a lawyers' joke, right? Harm, you've had a dozen calls from reporters and Tiner's been sending them to me.
What's he sending them to you for? Well, I don't know.
Maybe he thinks my accent will confuse them.
Look, if there's anything you need As a matter of fact, Mic, there is.
No worries, mate.
Come on in.
Take a load off.
This used to be my office.
You want it back? I'm not sure it's gonna help with the case.
You inherited my old computer.
You've had time to crack the password.
Oh, so I wrote the op-ed piece? Now, would that be before or after I killed JFK? Somebody wrote it, Mic.
It wouldn't be a crime if you did it.
Not unless it defamed Her Majesty the queen.
You see, that's our law, mate.
You find this all very amusing, don't you? No, I don't.
Well, you haven't stopped smiling since I came in here.
Because you accused me of libelling the president of the United States and framing one of my fellow officers for the deed.
Now, if I didn't find this all very amusing, I might take a poke at you, mate.
Chief pharmacist call inpatient services.
Chief pharmacist It's gonna be all right, Laurie.
I know.
I just-- I can't stop thinking about what they're doing to him.
The procedure was completed a few minutes ago.
A urologist looked at the sperm, and they appear to have good motility.
- As soon as you-- - Are you Dr.
Cannon? - Yes.
- And this is Laurie, right? - I can't believe your nerve.
- Ma'am, you are? Melinda Davy.
Mrs.
Melinda Davy.
- Mrs.
Davy? - That's right.
I'm the wife of the man the doctor here just cut up.
- Laurie? - They're divorced.
Not until Friday.
He's still my husband.
Or he was.
That's why you're getting married on Saturday.
It was some kind of waiting period, a formality.
Right.
So formally, I'm the widow.
Not to mention the victim of a husband-stealing tramp.
They say you removed my husband's sperm, - I want them destroyed.
- Colonel? I want them destroyed right away or I'll march down to my lawyer's office and get a court order to make you do it.
Help me.
Please.
So did you rule out Commander Brumby, sir? For the moment.
Do you think Tiner might have got a little giddy one night? I don't think Tiner can spell hypocrisy, sir.
You know, one of the witnesses in the Mosley court-martial took a swing at me after court one day.
William Johnson, sir.
I believe he's still in the service and he's on the Reeves, and they've been out to sea since August.
Do you have voice activation on your computer, Bud? No, sir.
Who's typing on it then? "Give your friend Harm my condolences.
Tough break.
Did I put my foot in his mouth?" It's a mental game, commander.
That may be, but I still get to hit something with this big club.
I heard you had a mysterious intruder on one of your office computers and the inspector general is too busy investigating you for criticising the president to look into it.
- Where'd you hear that? - You have friends, commander.
Why don't you let me be one of them? One of my friends did look into it.
Apparently, that signal bounced around the world a few times including off a couple of satellites.
It'll take a lot of resources to track down whoever sent it.
We have a lot of resources.
And a lot of political baggage, sir.
Would you rather take help from an organisation that participates legally in our vibrant democracy, or be railroaded all on your Ionesome? No press releases.
No public announcements.
You just help me find the son of a bitch quietly.
You make the rules, commander.
We just wanna help.
Hey, Harm, congratulations.
I heard you're on the promotion list.
I think we can consider that temporarily delayed.
This whole thing is ridiculous.
They'll find whoever wrote that editorial.
Well, they don't seem to be looking very hard right now.
What is that? Frozen sperm.
And I got in trouble for telling a Clinton joke.
Don't start.
This was removed from the body of a dead Marine.
His fiancée wants to use it.
His almost-ex-wife wants it destroyed.
The last time I saw her, she was running off to get a court order.
You're hiding it from the court? No, I don't know that she got an order.
I'm just keeping it safe.
Next to my lasagna? Frozen sperm.
It's hers.
Oh, some kind of do-it-yourself kit, right? Excuse me? Commander Rabb, they told me I could find you in here.
Yeah, let's go to my office.
These two wanna be alone.
Excuse me.
This place is so impressive.
Just a bunch of lawyers.
I'm sure you see a lot of those in your business.
Not with three dozen combat missions under their belt.
I'm just so excited to be working with you, commander.
Harm.
Harm.
Is this yours? Were you wearing it when you flew over Kosovo? Yeah.
Unfortunately, now I have to wear it when I come into the office.
Did you find anything, Miss Moore? Suzanne.
Suzanne.
Did you find the joker who sent the e-mail? As a matter of fact, yes.
We did a worldwide search, hired analysts in three different countries.
That message went through two pornographic websites on Malta alone.
So where did it come from? Do you know anybody in Leavenworth, Kansas? Yards 4 and 5 are now open.
What exactly is your connection with Clark Palmer? He's kidnapped me, sir.
He's tried to kill me.
He tried to trick me into shooting my former girlfriend.
He's a sociopath who's made me his hobby, colonel.
Well, he's safely locked up now.
I don't see how he could hurt you.
- Where is he exactly, sir? - Right in here.
He has a computer.
We have a labour contract with the National Park Service.
Our inmates take reservations for campgrounds.
Palmer has a long history of fraud and violence, colonel.
On the outside, not in here.
We have to motivate them to behave.
Working this unit is a reward.
Harm, long time, no see.
You don't write, you never call.
You write me, though, don't you, Palmer? I wanted to cheer you up.
Heard you got in a little bit of trouble, huh? A Boy Scout like you.
These are dedicated terminals.
They have no link to outside networks.
You wanna bet, colonel? Excuse me, Palmer.
What are you doing? Global search, sir.
Physical and moral coward.
Highlight of a recent op-ed piece supposedly written by me.
There it is, colonel, under a file called "Harm baby dot hi.
" Sloppy of you, Palmer, not to have erased it.
Why would I erase it? No, I liked it so much, I downloaded it from the newspaper.
After it was published.
Are you telling me this Palmer character is some kind of evil genius, manipulates the world from his cell, leaps over tall buildings? I'm telling you that he's very smart.
We did what you asked and looked at his computer.
The date stamp on his copy of your op-ed piece-- His op-ed piece.
--Is from the day after the editorial appeared.
So he reset the clock on the computer.
It doesn't take a genius to do that.
Commander Rabb, the newspaper's website sticks a few invisible bytes into every article it uploads.
They call it a digital watermark to track the usage of its material and to protect its copyrights.
And those bytes were on the copy in Palmer's computer? That's right.
He didn't send the article to the newspaper.
He got the article from the newspaper.
He's playing with us.
If you have any other evidence to offer in your defence, I'll be happy to examine it.
- Are you sure this is legal, ma'am? - There's no court order yet.
I just think it would be prudent to keep it somewhere-- Where no one can find it.
- Do you have room in there? - Look.
I'm going to have to keep the breast milk.
I can defrost this roast.
I was gonna cook it this weekend, anyway.
It's weird, isn't it? The mystery of life.
The urge to reproduce.
Dating.
Shall I call him Thursday if he doesn't call me by Wednesday, blah, blah.
It all comes down to this.
I do wanna have children some day.
Hey, women do it all the time.
Yeah, well, I guess I'll give the intact organisms a few more years.
- Men? - Men.
What's the status on this thing, anyway? Well, the almost-ex-wife has got a hearing date coming up.
The girlfriend's trying to raise money for a lawyer.
And the only injunction that we have to abide by is not to inseminate anyone with it.
Then we won't, right? --status of the case against the officer who wrote the op-ed piece attacking you.
I have not gotten the final report yet.
All I've gotten so far is secondhand stuff.
Yes? Pentagon sources say you are pressing for prosecution because you were personally offended.
For me personally, I didn't care.
People say whatever they wanna say about the pr-- Me, personally.
It had no impact on me.
And I thought, well, here's a guy who's served this country, and so what if he doesn't like me, and he doesn't know me from Adam's off ox so, you know, he's just repeating something he's heard.
Will the officer be prosecuted? They're gonna make a report once they have all the facts, and then there will be some action taken.
Ain't it grand to be famous? No, sir, it isn't.
What have you heard, sir? You're going to court-martial, commander.
We promised you no press conferences, commander.
The president didn't.
Good thing too.
Because we know how that man hates to break his word.
So, what's next? We have a press conference? Or better yet, a parade? I defend you to the best of my ability.
If you'll let me.
And, yes, that may require taking your case to the public to make them see how outrageous this prosecution is.
War hero hounded by dastardly president.
I see, I fit right into your programme, don't I? And we fit yours.
You wanna be acquitted, and Mr.
Pappas is the finest attorney you will find inside or outside the Beltway.
We'll leave you two alone.
I spoke to the Navy.
They'll let it drop if you resign your commission.
Out of the question.
Good.
So, Mr.
Pappas, what is your strategy aside from making the public see how outrageous, blah, blah, blah? I know you're a fine attorney, commander.
But do you really think it's wise for you to try to help me win your case? Yes.
Okay, but I'm not gonna split my fee.
They have two things.
The electronic trail from your computer to the newspaper.
Suggestive, not conclusive.
And the congruence of the attitudes expressed in the editorial with your own attitudes.
Are they congruent? - Some are, some aren't.
- Let's see how it looks.
Pretend you're gonna be on the stand.
I will take the stand, Mr.
Pappas.
Fine.
Then we'd better practise.
Commander Rabb.
Moving beyond your party jokes concerning the president and Miss Lewinsky-- Fifteen million Americans told those jokes.
Only one is on trial.
Commander Rabb, do you think the president is a coward? I have no idea.
But in Kosovo, when our planes were ordered to fly while people were being massacred on the ground, you believed that those orders were cowardly, don't you? I believe they were overly cautious.
What's the difference? All I know is the aviators who flew those missions were not cowardly.
- So who was? - Objection.
- Overruled.
- It would be sustained.
Maybe.
Commander Rabb, do you think the president is a liar? I believe that he has not always been completely honest.
- So you think he's a liar? - I think he has lied.
How do you feel about the fact that he's confessed to behaviour that wouldn't be tolerated by military officers under his command? Commander Rabb? Commander? How did it go? - Terrific.
- You know, even if you're convicted-- I'm not saying you will be, but even if you were, it wouldn't be completely terrible.
This whole thing is gonna make a name for you.
- Something good could come of this.
- Like what? Have you ever thought of running for Congress? No.
I'm sorry.
I'm just trying to think of good things for you.
But they're things that I think are good, not what you think.
I'm sounding like an idiot, aren't I? Suzanne, can we talk later? Yes, good, good.
Later, we'll talk.
Are you her lawyer? No, I'm just trying to find a resolution to this.
The judge will give us a resolution this afternoon: Destroy that tank and everything in it.
My husband's dead.
It's cruel to make me even deal with this.
You don't have to deal with this.
You could have stayed away.
You're the expert on staying away? Couldn't stay away from my husband.
- You were already separated.
- You expect me to believe that? - That's the truth.
- You're a lying slut.
Ladies.
Mrs.
Davy, what if Miss Westin could prove to you she didn't meet your husband till after your marriage was over? How can she do that? We were living near Washington.
She lives in Washington.
Not that year.
She was teaching English in Japan.
We were stationed in Japan two years ago.
When she was in Washington.
We'll get you her passport.
We'll get you her employment contract.
Really? These are some letters that your husband wrote to Miss Westin after your separation was official.
They show what your husband wanted.
Mrs.
Davy, what do you say? No.
He never wanted children with me.
Excuse me, commander.
Come on in, Gunny.
This came for you, sir.
- Thanks, Gunny.
- Also if I may say, sir? Speak your mind.
I know you didn't write that editorial, sir.
But if you did, I just want you to know a lot of Marines stand behind what you said, sir.
A thousand percent.
If you said it, which you didn't.
Thanks, Gunny.
Aye, sir.
Well, they were right.
I could have run for Congress.
On whose platform, sir? Theirs.
You know, Bud, I realise that they're using me, but I'm using them too.
The lawyer's good, and their publicity machine is great.
"Harm, sorry for my sensitivity-deprived attempt to cheer you up.
All of us, including Pappas, think you should meet these reporters we've invited to our office tomorrow morning.
Suzanne Moore.
" These are all A-list names, sir.
Major outlets.
They tell me it's a media trial, Bud.
If I wanna save my career, I take it to the media.
Are you really gonna go through with this dog-and-pony show, sir? Bud, you helped me out of loyalty and friendship.
Everybody else has a price.
I'm sure you'll do what's right, sir.
"Sensitivity-deprived attempt to cheer you up.
" Do you have a safe place to put that? I'll treat them like my own babies, lady.
- What's gonna happen to them? - I don't know.
The judge wants to hear full arguments in a couple of months, but it may not matter.
- Why not? - Thank you.
Well, Laurie Westin called me today.
She wasn't feeling well.
She got a home test.
- She's pregnant.
- Well, that's wonderful.
- Well, what about those little guys? - Little guys? Little girls? They may not make it, Harriet.
- Colonel? - Bud.
Hey, who was that guy, and what's in the cooler? The mystery of life.
- Commander.
- People, if you'll just follow us.
- Give us a minute.
- Commander Rabb.
Bear with us just for a moment, folks.
We'll get all your questions answered.
I promise you.
I'm glad you decided to come.
It wasn't an easy decision.
I know, but it was right.
I promise.
"Sorry for my sensitivity-deprived attempt to cheer you up.
" I am.
I really am.
"Our president, my commander-in-chief, has imposed his bravery-deprived character on the Armed Forces.
" What are you doing? Sensitivity-deprived? Bravery-deprived? Pretty unusual word construction.
- I don't understand.
- The newsletter.
"The wackily trendy guidelines of the education establishment.
" The op-ed piece.
"Sleazily disgraceful restrictions.
" You like to use adverbs to modify your adjectives.
Are you saying that I wrote that? - Pretty distinctive style, Miss Moore.
- Harm-- Shouldn't be too hard to find that electronic trail now that we know where to look, huh? So where did you sent it from? Computer in your office? That would certainly make it easier.
No.
My laptop.
Why me? Who better? You're everything he isn't.
The poster boy for Clinton-bashing.
Acquitted or convicted, a martyr to your cause.
Your cause too.
- You don't know that.
- Harm, we have to show these people up for what they really are.
Well, what are you? Organisations like this are trying to put the country back on the right track.
Then I'll stay on the wrong track, thank you.
Okay, think what you want.
But I didn't even commit a crime.
I am not a military officer.
I am allowed to write an editorial criticising the president.
But you're not allowed to commit telecommunications fraud or to impersonate a military officer.
Or to conspire to interfere with the administration of justice.
I'm sure the Clinton Department of Justice will think of a few more things to charge you with.
This will help him.
You don't even like him.
It doesn't matter if I like him.
He's my commander-in-chief.
Now I'm ready to talk to the press.
I will bear true faith and allegiance to the Constitution of the United States and the country whose course it directs.
I take this obligation freely and without any mental reservation.
And I will well and faithfully discharge the duties of the office I am about to enter.
So help me God.
So help me God.
You are hereby promoted to the rank of commander.
Thank you, sir.
Rabb, have you ever once in your life done anything the easy way? No, sir.
Yes, ma'am.
Yes, ma'am.
They tell me that the Grand Canyon is just exquisite this time of year.
Anita, call Frank in from the newsroom.
I've got an e-mail that looks like the record of a Swiss bank account held by Lieutenant Commander Harmon Rabb Jr.
How did he accumulate $800,000 on an officer's pay? Congratulations on your promotion.
Thank you.
Congratulations, sir.
Congratulations, commander.