Key and Peele (2012) s05e09 Episode Script

Neil? Neil! Yes, honey? Neil deGrasse Tyson, I asked you to take the dog out for a walk when I left the house four hours ago.
Now I come back, and this little motherfucker Sputnik has done pissed on my drapes.
Now I've got to get rid of those things and get new ones.
Neil, it doesn't make any sense.
You are an astrophysicist.
How can you not keep track of little details like this? Well, actually, it's the little details that cannot be kept track of, by definition.
In 1927, a German university lecturer named Werner Heisenberg came to a seemingly paradoxical conclusion, that the more we know about the position of a particle in physical space, the less we know about its momentum, and vice versa.
Okay, but what what does that have to do Taken in conjunction with what we know about the expansion of the universe, this brings us to a fascinating possibility, that maybe what we experience as one point in time-space could actually be a legion of points, which would mean that your curtains and little Sputnik's pee-pee could be as distant from one another as we are from the furthest galaxy.
Okay.
Well, just Next time.
Of course, dear.
Crazy, crazy Does is crazy Make up for adjustment You jammin' on the verse First one's planned that you want to do All I want But I don't need you At some point, man, I got to, like, slip some, some, some weed into, like, some of your cookies or something, and just, like, get you high, man.
Yeah, that would not be the worst thing that ever happened.
That might be fun.
Also ecstasy.
- I don't know about all that.
- Heroin.
Maybe I'll have a little marijuana.
Laced with acid.
No, thank you.
Welcome to the team, Mr.
Wise.
- Thank you.
- Now, being an Arizona Assistant State's Attorney is an important job, one we take very seriously.
In fact, we are willing to do anything to win.
It's my honor, sir.
And I look forward to serving the state of Arizona.
Are these marbles? How's that? I was just admiring your container of marbles.
Why, yes.
My wife got them for me as a gift.
Oh.
For my birthday.
Which brings me to a speech I like to give anyone on their first day here at the state's attorney office of Arizona.
You see, Lady Justice is a committed woman.
She's a slippery little scallop, as you can observe She doesn't cook, doesn't clean, but what she does do is, she'll turn a blind eye.
What is going on? - What? - What are you doing? Oh, uh I don't The marbles, they're just I got to tell you, they're just so beautiful.
I was wondering what it would feel like to in my mouth.
Like, what would the marbles feel like if they were in my mouth? That's You know.
What? Just, you know You know.
Like, just what would it feel like if there were just kind of a whole ton of marbles in my in my face.
Well, don't do that.
Just - Just don't do that.
- Yeah, yeah, of course, of course.
What am I doing over here? I mean, that's a thing that a child would do, it is.
You were saying? I was saying that Lady Justice, she just stands there in my office, looking at me.
Hey! Forget the marbles, boy! Spit the marbles out, please.
There you go.
Well All right.
Ah.
How many really? Do you have any I'm gonna wait for the last I'm assuming there's Yeah.
I know there's another one in there.
- Nope.
- All right.
I am so I'm They're just so beautiful.
I can't It's just these marbles.
- I got to tell you.
- You obviously don't take this job very seriously.
I do, sir.
It's just these particular marbles.
I just needed to feel what they felt like in my mouth.
I don't know what is wrong with me.
You know we do serious business here, right? Yes, I do know that.
I'm 100% aware of that.
'Cause I've forgotten where I was! You were saying that Justice is a dumb, blind, old lady.
- I heard every word.
- Yeah No! She's not dumb.
But she is blind.
She's reminiscent of Kerry Washington in her prime.
Good God.
Janice, send in the cleanup crew.
Another one fell for the marble trick.
Oh, man, I feel like crap.
I just came from a trashy Indian restaurant in a strip mall.
Not bad food, though.
Got pretty lucky.
Got the hottest, baddest curry I ever ate in my life.
Place called Naan Sense, Indian joint, just, like, Terminal 3.
It's like, I'm going to my brother's wedding on Sunday, and it's like, I don't even want to go.
I don't even like my brother.
My brother's, like, a jerk.
Don't like his wife.
She's, like, a bitch.
I stayed with them for, like, three weeks.
She was a bitch to me, man.
I put my feet on her coffee table.
She was like, "Don't get your feet on my coffee" I'm like, "Who are you?" I hate gingers, man.
A ginger broad, man, like Those are the worst people on the planet.
So I said that to her I said to him in the parking lot.
I cornered him a little bit, sure but he swung on me man.
He swung on me.
Can you believe that? It's like, who swings on their own brother, man? Yeah, I swung back But that's cool, you know.
It's like, I haven't seen him for a while, but now I got this expensive wedding I have to go to.
So it's crazy.
I got to get my tickets, and that's a whole situation.
I hate doing that.
And Hold on a second.
Hey, hey, pal pal.
Start on the downstairs bits.
I'm in the middle of a conversation up here.
- Hey.
- Of course, of course.
- Whatever you say.
- Thank you.
Sorry about that.
Just have a little guy here uh, working on my suit From the eternal, from within.
You know, I mean, there's always chicks at the wedding, right? There is a guy in there.
The answer is yes.
And hopefully, you know, I can get, like two down in one evening, you know? And speaking of "two down in one evening," if they've got popcorn shrimp and little lobster rolls, I'm a happy man.
But they're not going to have that.
They're gonna have Stop! Who goes there? Sal.
My name is Sal.
Sal The end is near.
What? Why What What do you mean? Everything is changing.
What do you mean? The end is near, Sal.
No, I don't know what you mean.
What do you mean? I don't want to die! There's nothing you can do.
The end is near.
Everything is changing.
From the eternal, from within.
No, I don't want to die! What do you mean? The end is near.
Sorry about that, man.
Of course.
Change is coming.
The craziest part of all of this, - I actually am on acid right now.
- Are you right now? - Yeah.
- Wow.
Like, for instance, I don't even I'm 90% sure you're here.
But if I shut my eyes and you weren't, I would not be surprised.
You would not be surprised if this car just kind of lifted off in the air and just started driving through the space with a rainbow trail.
- Mm-hmm.
- You would not be surprised.
Hey, none of this is real, man.
None of this is real, okay? Just surface - Yo.
- What's up? Game of Thrones, though, dog.
Yo, you all caught up? Yo, I totally binge-watched that whole thing last night, dog.
Yo, it's cold-blooded up in Westeros, dog.
They killed my nigga Ned! Ned Starks? You ain't see that one coming, did you? - Oh, nigga, hell no.
- Uh-uh.
- Oh, my God.
- Uh-uh.
I mean, my man was just there, right? And he got down there on the thing.
Like blip.
And then I was like, "I ain't worried.
"They ain't gonna kill my boy Ned Starks!" - Slit.
- And then plop.
I was like Yo, I told you they cold-blooded up in there.
And then I was like, "But that's okay, "because I still got my nigga Khal Drogo.
" Big Dave Navarro? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Big Dave Navarro? Widdly-widdly-widdly widdly-wow! Yeah, that dude picked up some molten gold, poured it on niggas' heads.
"I want to sleep with my sister!" - Yo.
- And he killed him, right? I mean, he big like Hercules and everything.
I'm like, you can't kill Khal Drogo - with a paper cut.
- An infected scratch up on there? - An infected scratch! - But he got straight - Killed! - Yo, but you know who my - favorite character is, dog? - Who's that, dog? Pssst! Khaleesies.
Khaleesi.
You know I be liking some Khaleesies, dog.
But what about Khaleesies straight-up with the dragons? Oh, it's Khaleesies with the dragons.
And Khaleesi's all like this.
And then we talking about - Whoosh! - Just straight roasting goats! - Yo! - Oh, my God.
And that's when they start killing characters left and right, dog! - At the wedding? - Yo, at the wedding! - Robb Starks.
- What? - His wife.
- What? - They got his mama! - Yo! - Killed, killed, killed, killed! - That was a four-for-one, dog.
- Four-for-one up there.
- That's a straight four-for-one, dog.
- Four-for-one - What about when they got wildlings girl? Talking about "You know nothing, Jon Snow.
" - Screek! - Guh! - Killed! - What about the Hound, though? - Yo! - The Hound! "Ah, I'm falling down the hill!" "Kill me! "You've got to kill me!" "No!" Killed! Slowly, by omission.
- Bingo.
- Yo, what about my man Taiwan Lannisters? - Taiwan Lannisters.
- Taiwan Lannisters! What about Taiwan Lannisters, dog? Yo, my man talking about, "I'm taking a shit.
" He's like, ow! - Killed! - By his own son.
What? Da Dinkles.
- Da Dinkles.
- Da Dinkles, yo.
- Da Dinkles.
- Da Dinkles! Dinkles is my jam.
Can't nobody kill da Dinkles! Da Dinkles is my jam, my jelly, my peanut butter, and my peanuts.
- Dinkles.
- Da Dinkles.
Dinkles, though! Dinkles is my shit! Neil! There you are.
What are you doing? We have to go to my Aunt Nelly's funeral.
How are you not ready? I've been talking to you about this all week.
How am I gonna find you in your boxers looking in a science magazine? I swear, Neil, sometimes I think you don't have any idea of what's important.
Well, actually, an idea of what's important is as close as we can ever come to any definition of importance.
Our galaxy is one of over 100 billion in the observable universe, and it's 100,000 light-years across, which means it would take light Okay, but But that's just space.
If we were to chart the history of the universe on one calendar year, the history of mankind as we know it, would just take place in the final second of that year.
So, whether I'm ready now or in 500 years, well, cosmically speaking, the distinction is meaningless.
Well Okay.
I'm I'm going now.
Goodbye, honey.
True story.
I went down to San Francisco with my girlfriend.
- Brup-brup-brup.
- And we were going to an event, and Bill Nye the Science Guy Was there? No joke.
Bill Nye, hit on my girlfriend in front of my face.
Did he really? Bill Nye the Science Guy You need the back the fuck up.
Dude, pussy hound, man.
That guy has laid down pipe.
Probably polycarbonate pipe.
Probably.
Hello, this is Gavin.
Hi, Gavin, my name is Colin Valenti.
I'm calling from Master Travel Incorporated to tell you about an exciting limited-time offer, exclusive Las Vegas getaway.
Can I have a few moments of your time to tell you about this new package? You know what, I would love to, but I just don't have the time.
Hello? Hello? Huh.
This is Colin Valenti, Master Travel Incorporated.
- How may I be of service? - Hi, Colin Valenti.
My name is Gavin.
I think we just talked.
Did we get disconnected? Yeah, no I mean yeah, I hung up on you.
Why would you do that? I mean, are you even Are you even allowed to do that? Were you going to buy the Las Vegas package? Well, I mean, probably not, but that's not the point.
The point is What the hell? This is Colin Yeah, Valenti.
Listen.
I don't know what crawled up your ass and set up shop there, but you don't get to hang up What? Oh, my g What the fuck do you want? What is your deal, huh? Um, you don't want the Vegas package, so I don't want to talk.
I did us a favor, wasting our time here.
Stop, stop, don't you dare hang up that fucking phone, okay? Why shouldn't I? Why shou What if I wanted the Vegas package? What You know what? I want the Vegas package.
Sure you do.
What? You motherfucker! Oh, my God! You son of a bitch.
Come on, man, let it go.
Fuck you, man! Fuck you! I want five fucking packages! Right now, you know what? You know what? Where's my wallet? This is my credit card number, right here.
Okay, listen.
Get fucking off me.
My credit card number is 0074-5403-0098.
The expiration date is 12-20! And then and then the Oh, yeah! The security number is 084! So run the damn card right now! Right fucking now! You run it right fucking now, asshole! Thank you for your business.
Well, I hope you learned your le These new call scripts are really great.
Yeah, I know, right? What the fuck do you want, Kathy? Neil! Who is she? Who is the white bitch that left this goddamn lipstick stain on your collar? Hmm? Oh, I got you.
You're caught, because this is apricot-colored, and you know who wears that? White bitches.
And you can't talk your way out of this one, 'cause I'm not getting confused today, 'cause I got my shit in order and I've done my research.
Okay, Neil? You see, we are here at this point in space-time, on a human scale.
But at this point, you a triflin'-ass motherfucker.
So expect the papers from the lawyer, 'cause we're parting ways.
Well, actually No, no.
We are always parting ways and not parting ways in every conceivable combination.
Many physicists, including, Stephen Hawking, now believe that there is an infinite number of universes.
It's called multiverse theory, and it suggests that there are an infinite number of universes in which I didn't have sex with that white woman.
I fucked Bill Nye the Science Guy.
You bitch.
Bill Nye, little bitch.
Looking like a pimple that I'm about to itch.
Scratch off your head, motherfucker.
Try and take my girl? You a sucker.
Hey.
None of this is real.
Oh Fuck! I'm gonna do my one line here Oh, yeah.
His dick was as big as the Milky Way.
You fucking bitch.
And as heavy as a quasar.
You are a black hole, sucking up every man you meet.