Last Man Standing s05e09 Episode Script

Okay, I understand apple, blueberry, and pumpkin, but why do you always make a rhubarb pie? - Nobody likes it.
- Mnh-mnh.
Yeah.
It's the Oakland of pies.
I like it.
We used to fight over it when I was a kid.
Sometimes it was quite the "rhubarb.
" Are you "pumpkin" kiddin' me? Okay, but, mom, why all of this when it's just gonna be you, dad, and Eve? Well, this is Eve's last Thanksgiving before she goes off to college, and it is my job as a mother to make sure she misses the hell out of us.
Well, I wanted to be here, but the restaurant will be packed.
Can't ask my entire staff to work and then take the night off.
That "we're all one big team" speech I gave last week is really biting me in the ass.
I would totally rather be here than having dinner with Kyle's grandmother.
Apparently, as people get older, they lose interest in chewing with their mouth closed.
Well, it'll be like you guys are here in spirit.
In fact, you know what? I'm gonna put you at the top of my Gratitude List so that when I read this tomorrow at dinner, it'll be like you're here.
- Aww, thanks, mom.
- Yeah.
Really, it means a lot that you put us above epsom salts.
Hey, dad, can I ask you something? "May I ask you something?" And no.
Grammar always hilarious.
So, Amy's parents are taking her to Winter Park tomorrow.
- Can I go? - Do I have to pay anything? - No.
- Do I have to drive anywhere? They're gonna pick me up.
Okay, it's good by me.
But I'm gonna have to check with your mom.
- It's the holidays.
- Ugh.
I like to give her a vote.
Much as parents love seeing their kids grow up, those empty chairs at the table still kind of break your heart.
Sorry, kid.
I did everything I could.
What? But for some reason, turkey tastes better when you kill it yourself.
N-not lamb, though.
No.
It's tough to get that cute little face out of your head.
That's why it's so easy to eat crabs.
They look like jerks.
Ah.
You're right.
I'm going up to the cabin for the holiday to work on my novel.
It's it's about a sad man who spends Thanksgiving all alone in his cabin.
You want to come? Uh, that sounds great, but, uh, Mandy and I are having Thanksgiving together just the two of us.
- Ah.
- I'm I'm sorry.
Just you and Mandy? Really? Yeah, we're having cornish game hens and lasagna.
Lasagna on Thanksgiving? Oh, yeah, no, we know about the pilgrims and everything, but Columbus was here first with a bunch of Italians, so somebody was having lasagna.
Hey, Kris.
Where's Kyle? Uh, he's helping Ed.
Hey, you know, I just wanted to say, I think it's so nice, what you guys are doing Spending the day with Kyle's grandma at her retirement home.
Yeah, well, old people love attention and pudding And CBS.
You're, uh, really making a sacrifice.
I know, but the way I look at it, it's Thanksgiving.
It's not "thanks-taking.
" Yeah, sometimes it's "thanks-lying.
" I don't think that's a thing.
You you and Kyle aren't gonna be with his grandma.
You lied to mom.
Oh, no.
Don't tell Santa, or I won't get that bike I asked for.
Kyle! Mandy, y-you saw how upset mom was yesterday.
Maybe I only get this because I'm a mom now, but families spending the holidays together it means a lot.
That's why Ryan and Boyd are eating here tonight.
Well, Kyle is basically family.
I mean, he thinks of dad as a father, which makes me and Kyle Okay, went down a blind alley there.
Look, Kyle and I are starting our own new tradition.
- Mom would understand.
- Hey.
- Hey, let's go.
- Uh, Ed will be right out.
He's in the linen closet getting more tablecloths.
You know, I'm surprised at you, Kyle.
It's not like you to lie.
You're right.
Ed's in the bathroom again.
He asked me not to say anything.
Kyle doesn't know.
Didn't know.
Whatever, let's go.
Well, hope you enjoy your lasagna.
Oh, we will.
What are we angry about again? Kyle! Well, honey, smells like we're about 20 minutes away from a perfect Thanksgiving dinner.
Actually, we're just about ready to sit down and eat.
Oh, no.
Trust the nose, honey.
We are 20 minutes away.
Mike, we are not waiting for halftime.
Damn it.
Just DVR the game.
Wow, it smells like we are 20 minutes away from I already tried it.
Damn it! - You take that.
- Oh, look at all this food.
You do realize it's only three of us and only one of us has a teenager's metabolism, if you know what I mean.
Well, at the Baxter house, we do holidays right.
Besides, I've got 16 bowls, and I am using every one of them.
Eve, honey, you haven't put anything on the Gratitude List yet.
Oh, yeah.
Do we, uh do we really have to do that this year? What do you mean? It's tradition.
Well, I know, but, I mean, let's face it.
I-it's kind of goofy.
Goofy? Yeah.
Well, I guess I-I've never seen being grateful as goofy.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean goofy.
That would imply that there was some sort of entertainment value.
I love hearing what my family is grateful for.
Yeah, well, maybe just a little too much.
Y-you get kind of emotional, and your tears get into the stuffing.
That may be a health-code violation.
Uh, fine, fine.
If, uh if you don't want to do it, we don't have to do it.
Okay, cool.
Thanks.
Um, I'll go get dad.
You keep doing that, that countertop is gonna burst into flame.
Listen, I'm just taking a wild guess here, but you're upset about something? Did you notice anything missing at dinner tonight? Uh You usually make biscuits.
Oh, crap! Well, other than those, uh, charcoal briquettes, what's missing? The Gratitude List.
Oh, that explains why dinner was hot when we ate it.
I thought you didn't do that just 'cause the other girls weren't here.
No, Eve asked that we not do it this year.
She said it was goofy.
Well, if we're eliminating goofy things, I've got a list.
I worked really hard to make this last Thanksgiving before she goes off to college nice, but is she grateful? No, apparently not.
Come on, honey.
All the girls were like that when they're 17.
The grateful part of their brain is a little undercooked, unlike those biscuits.
You know what? Just go.
Go watch your game.
I'm gonna talk to Eve.
No, no.
Don't do that.
Don't do that, Mike.
No, it I am not gonna feel better if somebody has to tell her to apologize.
I will feel better if she just realizes it on her own.
But I think kids realize things when parents tell them those things really loud.
I do not want you to fix this, okay? I'm just telling you how I feel.
Just respect that, all right? - All right.
- Yeah, okay.
- Great dinner.
- Thanks.
You, my den, now.
When mom's feelings get hurt, what's the best thing to do? Mm, flowers, candy, something shiny? I don't know.
This is your problem, old man.
I didn't do anything.
You did.
Me? Listen, you crapped all over the Gratitude List.
You called it goofy? Well, it kind of is.
But you said it.
But she said she was fine with not doing it.
You know, you can't always go by what your mom says.
It's what makes living with her so interesting.
Okay, well, I totally did not mean to hurt her feelings.
I'll just tell her we talked, and I'll apologize.
No, no, no, no, Eve.
Don't do that.
That's not a good idea.
If she found out I was doing something to make her happy, she'd kill me.
Like I said interesting.
Okay, so, what should I do? The holiday's been going real good.
Dinner was great.
Just tell her that.
Tell her everything was wonderful.
Yeah, dinner was perfect, although sometimes we have biscuits.
No, no, no, no, we're not gonna talk about the biscuits.
Maybe you guys could watch a movie.
She used to love to do that when you were little.
Okay, anything but "Mamma Mia!," though.
She sings along, dad.
You didn't have to go see it in the theater with her.
She started singing "Dancing Queen.
" I went to get popcorn.
I never came back.
Do you want more wine? Uh, no.
Yeah, me neither.
I don't like it as much since I turned 21.
But let's toast to your grandmother the reason we can have our first Thanksgiving alone together.
Yay.
Don't you mean, "yay!"? I feel a little uncomfortable about being a part of this lie you told your parents.
Do you mean the lie I told them or the gift I gave them? Oh, great.
We lied to them and I forgot to get them a gift? No.
The lie is the gift.
Look, lying gets a bad rap, but sometimes it's a good thing.
Like, today I lied, and we get to have Thanksgiving together, which makes us happy.
My mom thinks we're with your grandmother, which makes my mom happy.
And we'll just tell your grandmother we spent the day with her since she won't know the difference.
All of these heartwarming moments brought to you by the lie.
I-I guess I always thought that honesty was the best policy, although Outdoor Man's return policy is a close second.
Think about it.
When somebody says, "can I be honest with you," what they're really saying is, "hey, can I hurt your feelings?" At least they were nice enough to ask.
All I know is, when I lied to my mom, she was beaming with pride.
What kind of a monster would I be to take that away from her? Well, I'm happy that you're happy and that it makes you feel so good to have your mother think you're a good person.
I am a good person.
Right? Can I be honest with you? Thanksgiving night already five neighbors have their Christmas lights up.
You know what I feel like doing? Finding some well-fed dogs, get some paper bags, and stick matches.
Well, you're in luck.
Muffin's good to go.
Got into the leftovers and ate half a pie.
Sound like you're in a better mood.
I am, I am.
Our lovely daughter just said some wonderful things to me.
Well, you can add that to your Gratitude List.
Yeah.
Eve told me how much she appreciated the wonderful dinner I made, and then she asked if I wanted to watch a movie with her.
- Great, "Mamma Mia!"? - Yeah.
I wanted that one, but Eve told me she just saw it.
Ah.
She said she's got the perfect Thanksgiving movie "Hostel.
" I guess It's some kind of travel film.
Yeah.
I'm happy for you.
Even though you were wrong? Wrong? Mike, you wanted to fix this by confronting Eve.
I thought she would realize she upset me and fix it herself.
I was right.
Certainly would appear that way.
Come on.
You always want to confront.
I mean, look at the way you just reacted to the neighbors' Christmas lights.
For the love of God, it's Thanksgiving! Really, Mike? You can't look me in the eye and just say three little words "I was wrong"? I Did This.
What? What are you talking about? I confronted Eve.
I told her to apologize.
This is how Mike fixes Thanksgiving.
Why would you do that when I asked you not to? I've done it with all the girls since they were little.
You're welcome.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute, wait a minute, what? Are you telling me that every time they apologized, they didn't mean it? Who the hell cares whether they mean it or not? The point is to make them feel bad, right? No, what? Hey, mom, do you want me to make popcorn for the movie? Uh, no, Eve, I don't think there's going to be a movie Don't because your father just told me the truth.
Okay, yes, "Hostel" is a horror film.
But if you can look past the dismembering, Slovakia is beautiful.
Eve, you apologized because your dad told you to.
- You told her? - Hey, you know, this is fun.
Why don't we yell at Mike every Thanksgiving? Okay, wait, so, you tell me to apologize, and then you take credit for it.
- That's pretty low, dad.
- Unbelievable.
- Whoa, wait, wait.
- Unbelievable, Mike, just unbelievable! Wait a minute, hold it! You know what?! You know what?! I'm gonna go into my den and watch football, and I'm gonna think about what I've done! Honey, don't fold laundry when you're mad.
It just undo the work of the fabric softener.
Honey, I'm sorry.
Mike, I specifically asked you not to talk to her.
And I specifically am saying I'm sorry.
It just undercuts everything we should be doing as parents.
Why is that? Eve did something wrong.
I got her to apologize.
- Isn't that what we wanted? - No, no, Mike.
I want to know that our girls have learned to do the right thing without you forcing them.
I get that, but isn't my way faster? No.
Honey, that might have worked when they were little but they're grown now, and you are not always gonna be there to fix things.
Neither am I.
Well, technically, you're not fixing things now.
Yeah, fine.
Hey, there you are.
Happy Thanksgiving.
What are you doing here? Everything alright at the store? Oh, yeah, we are super busy, but I just took a quick break.
Something about a holiday that makes you want to see your mama.
Wow.
Okay, well, I got to get back to work, so - Kris.
- Yeah? Thank you for that.
You can't possibly know how much that means to me Especially today.
We have a little situation with your sister.
Oh.
You know about that? See, this is why Mandy should never lie.
She's really bad at it.
And why I should never tell the truth.
I think it is safe the worst Thanksgiving ever.
I say we look for the positive in this.
The positive? Eve tells me that the Gratitude List is goofy.
Mandy lies to get out of eating with us.
If it wasn't for our daughter that got pregnant in high school, I would say we failed as parents.
But doesn't this give us a chance to see if one of our kids will do the right thing all by themselves? What are you talking about? - Well, Mandy lied.
- Yeah.
If she comes clean, I will say those three words you've been waiting to hear "We were right.
" So, how do we get Mandy to confess? Should we should we do good cop, bad cop? No, no, no, no, no.
We can't make her do it.
She has to do it on her own.
Let's get her drunk.
That'll work.
I-I know, I know.
Okay, okay, okay.
Maybe you should have a few pops.
You know what, honey? I changed my mind.
I-I-I don't want to know if the kids will do the right thing.
Listen, just please have a little faith.
Why are you so calm? Did you call Mandy and tell her to confess? No, I did not.
The one time I need you to go behind my back, you fail me! I asked you not to do it, you do it.
I want you to do it, you don't do it.
This is why you're the most interesting woman in the world.
Hey, guys.
Hi.
- Well, good night.
- Oh, no.
No, no, no.
Come over here.
Tell us how it was having dinner with, uh, Kyle's grandma.
Well, it's always great to spend time with Kyle, wherever we are.
Well, it was nice of you to give up dinner with family to be with her.
Yeah, I don't want to say anything else.
It'll just sound like bragging.
D-do you want a shot of bourbon? I know, I know, I know.
I know.
We're just happy the type of person you turned out to be The kind of person that does the right thing.
Yeah.
- Hey, listen - What is it, honey? Kyle and I didn't actually Yeah, what? What is it? What? Uh Have dessert.
Is there any pie left? Yeah, there there's plenty.
Go stuff your face.
Okay, thanks.
So, she says, "let's have kids.
" I say, "okay," and here we are.
All right, so, now I know.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Mom, uh, dad, can I talk to you for a second? Not unless you're pregnant 'cause we could use some good news.
There's a reason I didn't put anything on the Gratitude List.
Yeah, because we're horrible parents.
There's pie.
Go stuff your face.
No, it's because I'm not good with feelings.
I mean showing them, sharing them Having them.
What are you talking about? I was gonna put one word on the list "family.
" But then you'd ask me what I meant and I'd have to explain and then I'd be knee-deep in feelings.
Well, what did you mean by "family"? God, dad.
All right, fine, but just, uh just don't look at me, okay? Seriously? Okay, okay, honey, look at the floor.
Stare.
Look at the floor.
I've been thinking a lot about going to college next year and all the things that I'm gonna miss dad's joking and his serious talks, mom's terrible puns and how she never stops thinking about us.
- Oh, honey.
- Mom.
Sorry, sorry.
I'm gonna miss my sisters and how we fight and how I know they'd fight anyone twice as hard for me.
I grew up in this really terrific, safe place where it didn't matter how I behaved.
I was still loved.
And I'm grateful that when I leave, I'm gonna miss you all and your goofy traditions so, so much because that pain of missing you is just proof it was perfect in so many ways.
Can I look up now? Because I want to hug you, and I don't want to miss.
So we are good parents.
At this point, I'll take two out of three.
I can't take it.
I lied.
Kyle and I didn't spend Thanksgiving with his grandma.
See, honey? You're right.
She lied.
Oh, Mandy, I'm so proud of you.
We were right.
- Hey, there.
- Hey.
It's technically still Thanksgiving until 12:00, so I can stuff my face till then.
Yeah.
And since it still is technically Thanksgiving, it's a perfect time to do the Gratitude List.
Great.
I'm eating pie, so you you start.
Okay, all right, well, uh I am grateful for hot tea on cold mornings, sunrise and sunset, the sound of children's laughter.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I am especially thankful for my incredible partner yes who has helped me raise three amazing, caring children.
We've done a fabulous job, and there is no one I would rather spend my life with than you.
Ditto.