M*A*S*H (MASH) s05e09 Episode Script

[Honking.]
[Man.]
Go, go, go, go, go! How many times have I told you? Deliveries in the rear.
We overran a North Korean aid station.
We got some of ours and some of theirs.
- They brought in Commies? - This bus will pick up anybody.
I didn't come to Korea to treat the enemy.
[B.
J.
.]
I'm sure they'll be glad to hear that, Frank.
- O.
R.
Stat.
Prep him.
- Litter! Rest in peace.
Now, this one can wait.
Well, what do we got here? A wounded Commie officer, huh? Please.
Take a look at that man across the way.
What, you giving me instructions? He has an intra-abdominal bleed.
Probably a ruptured spleen.
Listen, wise guy, I'm the doctor here.
He's delirious.
Last week, he thought he was a fire chief.
You wanna hear a hot one? This pinko here is trying to teach me medicine.
- Tell him he's wasting his time.
- You keep your trap shut, Commie! - You're in enough trouble as it is.
- Please, Doctor! That man has internal bleeding.
He needs surgery immediately.
- Radar! - Sir.
Get this man into pre-op.
He's number one on the hit parade.
- Right.
Roy! - For criminy sakes, why do you listen to him when you won't listen to one of your own kind? Oh, nerts to you.
Don't tell me.
Let me guess you're a doctor, right? And that man he has a crushed femoral artery.
- You'll have to take the leg.
- I looked at him.
He's on his way.
He's terrified he will be killed.
Tell him not to worry, Doctor.
Your patients are ours now.
But I warn you, we don't split fees.
- You know, I've been very worried about you, Margaret.
- Really? - You know, your fiance what's his name, uh, Ronald? - Donald.
- Right.
- Right.
You know, maybe you're naive and don't see that there are deceitful people in this world.
I've been doing a lot of thinking about this in my tent - alone at night.
- Right, Frank.
No, really.
He just might be stringing you along.
- He gave me a ring.
- Well, big deal.
- Oh! - He could be married, you know, and didn't tell you.
- Remember how our relationship started? - Right.
- Well, this guy should be eternally grateful.
- And internally grateful.
Okay, Kellye, you can close now.
[All Chattering.]
Believe me, Major, I wouldn't operate on this commie if Potter didn't make me.
- It really burns my butt.
- Mine too.
You're not the only real American here, Frank.
I know, I know.
I included your butt right along with mine.
You watch that mouth, or I'll tell Donald.
"I'll tell Donald.
I'll tell Donald.
" Excuse me.
Could we get on with it? - Oh, shut up! - Have you been eavesdropping on our conversation? - I have tried not to.
- [Frank.]
Listen, bub if you come out of this, you'd better not repeat a word of what you've heard.
- I promise.
- I'm so upset, Margaret.
Look at my hand shaking.
[Margaret.]
Relax.
You'll feel better after the operation.
- How's it going, Frank? - We're just about to operate on your Commie friend.
Oh? I thought it was a rehearsal for The Bickersons.
- All right, Margaret, let's get this over with.
- Doctor No.
Wait! - Doctor, could I ask a favor? - Want me to put a nickel in the parking meter? Would it be possible for you to operate on me? I don't think the major's heart is in it.
Look, I didn't ask for this job.
If you wanna take over, Pierce, just say the word.
- Please.
- On one condition.
Do you have Blue Cross? Okay, Frank, I got him.
You can have him.
I'd rather get some sleep.
- Gloves, please.
- Thank you, Doctor.
You know, when I got a haircut in the States I always waited for the head barber.
Ah, it was worth it.
How do you like it short on the top, thick on the sides? - Margaret? - Ready, Doctor.
While I'm cutting, you give him a manicure.
[Sighs.]
[Labored Breathing, Coughing.]
- [Labored Breathing Continues.]
- Nurse.
Nurse.
- Nurse! - [Gasping, Coughing.]
[Gasping Loudly.]
What are you doing? What are you doing? Stop that! - Able! Stop that! Let him alone! - But he was choking! - [Continues Gasping.]
- O'Reilly! Corporal O'Reilly! - Major Burns? - [Moans.]
What is it? - Sir, Major Houlihan wants you.
- Margaret? Yes, sir.
She says she needs you right away, badly.
I knew she'd come to her senses.
Where is she? - Post-op.
- Post-op? Is she crazy? Somebody will see us.
- Hawkeye? - I said I'd take you home, but it isn't light yet.
- Hawkeye, wake up.
- Radar, do me a favor, will you? Drive this lady home.
My keys are in my sport coat.
- Hawkeye! - [B.
J.
.]
Radar! If you insist on making noise, will you please be quiet about it? Hey, listen! Wake up.
It's that North Korean.
Major Houlihan says he tried to kill some guy.
And you woke me up just for that? This ought to keep him in his place.
- What are you doing, Frank? - Strapping this heathen down.
- He tried to kill that patient.
- Tried to kill him? He was pulling out his trach tube.
That's the way these yellow devils think.
It's burned into their brains.
Kill Americans.
Kill! Kill! They don't respect human life the way we do.
I'd like to take him out and shoot him.
- Brilliant.
- What happened? His tube was clogged.
He couldn't breathe, so I tried to clear it.
Nurse, clear that trach tube.
Don't unleash him.
He's a killer.
- He was trying to help the guy.
- Why should he help one of our men? - I wouldn't help one of theirs.
- I think we should tell Colonel Potter.
- I dare you.
- I double dare you.
Nobody double dares me and gets away with it.
Don't worry about them.
They don't seem as bad as they really are.
What will happen to me, Captain? After you've recovered, they'll send you to a P.
O.
W.
Camp.
- You'll treat other prisoners.
- Worms, foot fungus, diarrhea.
- Real challenge for a doctor.
- Worse.
I'm a surgeon.
University of Chicago.
I wondered where you got that Midwestern accent.
- I interned at Cooks County Hospital.
- Pretty good training.
- Evenin', boys.
- Klinger.
You know, I've been in combat for almost three years but that still strikes me as a very ugly woman.
You ought to see her naked.
Then we'd really have to strap you down.
[Margaret.]
If you want to know what I think, I think he's a spy.
Good point, Margaret.
That makes a lot of sense.
Sure.
He shot himself in the thigh just to get in here, huh? Well, why not? They're diabolical.
Forgive me, Colonel, but you don't understand the Oriental mind the way I do.
I'll buy that.
What information could he get in here? - How many Q-Tips we've got? How many suppositories? - Right.
Why am I wasting time like this when I could be sawing wood? Let me put it this way, Burns, Houlihan.
- Colonel? - Yes, sir? Dismissed! You saved the leg.
- How is that possible? - New procedure.
We took a section of the saphenous vein, reversed it and grafted it into the femoral artery.
So you can do that now.
I knew they were working on such a thing.
- It was perfected by an Italian macaroni expert.
- Remarkable.
You're so far ahead of us in many ways.
We even developed the banana daiquiri.
You know, I wish the circumstances were different and we could be working together.
- You'd be willing to do that? - You treat the enemy.
Why can't I? [People Chattering.]
- Radar, you look pensive.
- No, sir.
I'm just thinking.
- You seem to be picking at your food.
- Just cautious.
- Mm-hmm.
- Mmm.
Radar, you're a remarkable person.
Naive, yet wise.
Gentle, but strong.
No more nurses' shower pictures.
My camera's rusty.
Don't be so suspicious.
I just wanna ask you a question.
Oh, no.
Here it comes.
Suppose there was a doctor who wanted to join this outfit.
Oh, heck.
That's easy.
All he'd have to do is, uh get in touch with "l" Corps and request a transfer.
Problem.
This doctor is from the other side.
- Other side of what? - Other side of the war.
- You mean he's from Supply? - No, Radar.
He's North Korean.
[High-Pitched Laugh.]
You guys are kidding, right? Hey, that's a real problem.
"I" Corps disapproves of the enemy.
It's not impossible, is it? I mean, you've got low friends in high places.
- Be persuasive.
- Be charming.
- Use force.
- No.
I couldn't do that.
Beej, the, uh, the nurses' annual physical is coming up soon, isn't it? - Mm-hmm, and we're gonna need an assistant.
- Oh, yeah.
Is that the, uh, complete physical, same as last year? - [Hawkeye.]
It's better.
- Mmm.
We're gonna need a set of orders, I.
D.
, dog tags and a uniform.
With all that stuff, you could transfer Flash Gordon to the outfit.
- We don't want him.
Bleaches his hair.
- Listen, um Sparky could really help us on this, but he's gonna want something.
- Something really good.
- We already anticipated that.
How would Sparky like a solid gold Chinese watch taken directly from the wrist of an enemy officer? - With his permission, may I add.
- Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
It's very nice, but he'd never be able to read the time.
It's got Chinese numbers on it.
- It comes with an instruction book.
- The symbol at the top is a 12.
The one at the bottom is a six.
- They stole that from us.
- We stole waffles from them.
- I thought that was "psgetti.
" - Come on.
Come on.
Will Sparky do it? Well, uh, for this watch, I think he would probably transfer his own mother.
Have a safe journey.
Good luck and God be with you.
- Thank you.
- Aw, knock it off and get on the bus.
Frank has trouble saying good-bye.
- You better move along if you want a window seat.
- Yes.
Brokenhearted, Pierce, about losing your good North Korean buddy? No.
I was getting kinda tired of the guy.
He beat me out of eight bucks in Chinese checkers.
[Frank.]
Let's bring these men up here and get 'em loaded.
- Come on.
- [Engine Starts.]
[Blows.]
"Captain Cho Wunho, board certified, Chicago, 1949.
" - Welcome aboard, Captain.
- Thank you, Colonel.
Radar, this is the first time "l" Corps has sent us help without us screaming about it.
Oh, yes, sir.
That's right.
You know how it is.
Sometimes when you don't yell and holler the loudest, they hear you the most.
Well put.
Can you find quarters for the new doctor, Radar? Um, your permission to move him into the Swamp, sir? Oh.
Okay.
But prepare yourself, Captain.
At first, your roommates may appear a bit crazy.
But later on, you'll find out they're only lunatics.
I'm accustomed to living with Americans, Colonel.
Colonel? Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't know you were busy.
No.
Come in, Major.
I'd like you to meet our new doctor.
- Oh.
- Major Houlihan, Captain Cho Wunho.
- Haven't we met before? - I was thinking the same thing.
There's a little gin mill in Seoul the Pink Pagoda.
- Didn't we tango? - Certainly not.
I mean, I've never been there.
- I must be mistaken.
- Perhaps I am also.
Uh, why don't you take the doctor to his quarters, Radar.
Oh, right away, sir.
Sir.
Oh, Captain? You'll go on duty at 1800 hours.
Will somebody please call me? I recently lost my watch.
Uh, that will be no problem, sir.
I'll-I'll call you.
I swear I know that man, and I don't tango.
Maybe it was the cha-cha-cha.
I'm kidding.
- [Hawkeye.]
You wanna sponge that, Frank? - [Frank.]
Okay, okay! Why do we need another doctor all of a sudden? We've been short a doctor here since the day you showed up.
I'm as good a doctor as the next man.
Provided the next man is Lou Costello.
You know, Major Houlihan and I think there's something fishy about this Dr.
Cho.
You'd think there was something fishy about Albert Schweitzer.
There is.
If he were a good doctor, he'd be in Beverly Hills helping the wealthy.
[Hawkeye.]
Sponges, please.
More sponges.
Frank, I can't see.
You're standing in my light.
[Whispering.]
Colonel, do you wanna take a look at what he's doing? Frank, come on, will you! Clamp.
I've never seen a heminephrectomy done like that, Doctor.
- Where'd you pick that up? - Professor Goodson in Chicago, sir.
[Potter.]
Ah.
Read about it.
Never seen it.
Beautiful work.
- Thank you, Colonel.
- Mmm.
Well, carry on.
Halt! What's your business, gentlemen? - You are a nurse? - No.
I'm Corporal Klinger.
I don't like to brag, but I made this outfit myself.
What do you think? Most becoming.
We are from the KATUSA hospital at Kumgang.
You have these supplies? "Plasma, penicillin, morphine, achromycin.
" Sounds like you're opening a drugstore.
- What's goin' on here, Klinger? - Oh, Major Burns, sir these men are from the hospital at Kumgang.
- They need supplies.
- Forget it.
We're not here to hand out supplies to every Tom, Dick and Kwang.
- I'll check with Colonel Potter.
- Don't bother Potter.
I can say no all by myself.
No! But we must have these supplies.
Pardon me, Major, but what is your name, please? Frank Burns.
What's it to you? We have heard of a great doctor called Frank Burns.
- Could you be him? - Of course.
We have heard that he never turns down people in need that he is as generous as he is skilled.
Yeah, well, I'm, uh, sort of the Albert Schweitzer of Korea, you know.
What an honor it is to meet you.
Oh.
Well, what are you guys standing around for? - Get these people what they need and hurry up.
- Right away, sir! Excuse me.
You're getting supplies for those men? - Yes, sir.
It's Major Burns's orders, sir.
- They are imposters, you know? What? Who, sir? The men in the jeep.
It is common practice to change uniforms and get supplies from the units like these.
- You mean they're the enemy? - Yes.
Be careful of them.
- Hey, I gotta tell Colonel Potter.
- No.
They are desperate and heavily armed.
- W-Well, what should we do? - The easiest way is to give them what they want.
Then they will go, peacefully.
- Promise me something, Radar.
- Yeah? If anything happens, bury me in the blue chiffon.
You sure you fellas won't come in for a cup of coffee? There might even be some pudding left over from lunch.
- I don't think so.
- It's rice pudding.
You guys are supposed to like that.
No.
No.
We have no time.
We must get supplies and leave.
Uh, stay a while.
I could tell you about my work with, uh, arterial transplants.
- Some other time.
- Hey, I just had a wild thought.
How would it be if I came back with you guys to your hospital give all your staff a chance to meet me? We could get everybody together, and I could give them a talk.
Huh? N-No.
We must leave quickly.
You know, perhaps the major has a good idea.
Yes.
I think he would be quite useful.
I'd have to be back in a couple of hours.
That is no problem.
The hospital is close by.
- Great.
- Uh, wait a minute.
Major, where you goin'? I'm going with these boys back to meet everyone at their hospital.
- Should be a real treat for 'em.
- You can't do that, Major! - What? - What he means is, uh, you can't leave us.
- What would we do without you? - What are you talking about? I'm off duty.
Well, sir, who's gonna help us plan the dance tonight? - Ah! The dance.
- What dance? Nobody told me about any dance.
- Let's all go to the colonel's office and discuss it, sir.
- The colonel's office.
Let go, and that's an order! These boys are in a big hurry.
That is true.
We must go now.
Major, what about the class this afternoon? You know, on how to recognize the enemy.
You had all that in basic training.
If you can't recognize the enemy by now, you're in a lot of trouble.
[Chuckling.]
All set.
Let's go! Break a leg.
I've seen the man work.
He's a qualified surgeon.
He gives me the creeps.
He's always watching everything.
Last night, I came out of the shower, and, sure enough, there he was.
That is suspicious.
Last night was supposed to be my night.
- Colonel? - What do you want me to do? Just check up on him.
That's all I ask.
Colonel Potter! Sir? Major Burns just drove off with two men in a jeep.
They were bad men, sir.
I think they were the enemy.
What men? What jeep? What enemy? These two guys come in asking for supplies, so we give them what they want.
And then Major Burns gets in the jeep with them and goes off.
- Why? Did they force him? - No, ma'am.
I think he wanted to go.
Radar, get on the phone, call the M.
P.
S, alert them about that jeep.
- Yes, sir.
- Wait a minute.
Radar? - How do you know those men were enemy soldiers? - Captain Cho told us.
- Captain Cho? How did he know? - I don't know.
He just knew.
- Well, isn't that interesting? - Hmm.
- Oh, what is it now? - Sir.
- I.
D.
's, please.
- Why are you stopping us? Been a slow day? Need a little excitement to break up the monotony? We have important business to attend to.
Sorry, sir, but there have been some infiltrators coming down to get supplies.
Oh, these men are not infiltrators.
One good look should tell you that.
Now, listen.
I am Major Frank Burns, MASH 4077 th.
- The Major Burns.
I'm sure you've heard of me.
- Mm-hmm.
Well, of course you have.
I can vouch for these men personally.
- [M.
P.
.]
We're checking everybody, Major.
- Now, listen, Sergeant instead of bothering doctors who are trying to do some good in this world why don't you run out and catch some kidnappers? Let's go.
I should have done something to save Major Burns, but I was afraid.
If those men had recognized me, they would have panicked.
- Look, you did what you could.
- Yeah.
Look at the bright side maybe they'll keep him.
Well, I'm glad you're all here.
Ah, Colonel Potter.
What a surprise.
- I'm glad we had the furniture cleaned.
- The new drapes are due Friday.
Okay, cut the phony baloney.
The ball game's over.
- What's up? - I just checked with Headquarters and I know all about Paik or Cho or whatever your name is.
I'm gonna have to put you under arrest.
Colonel, you're not gonna throw away a perfectly good doctor on a technicality? "Technicality"? This man's the enemy.
- Enemy "schmenemy.
" He's a surgeon.
- And a good one.
Please, gentlemen.
I knew it couldn't last.
- I just wanted to help.
- Look, I understand what you were trying to do and between you, me and the grand piano, it wasn't a bad idea.
But damn it! I could lose my pension, wind up in the stockade.
- There must be some way we can keep him.
- Nada.
It was Houlihan and Burns who put the bee on him.
If they can figure it out, anybody can.
Well, that's true.
- Dr.
Paik, I'm sorry.
- Me too.
You did what you could.
You don't suppose your side would be interested in an exchange? We keep you and they keep Frank? No, they'd never go for that.
[Frank.]
Why don't I start out with a couple of jokes then go into a personal autobiography of myself.
I'll tell them about the Boy Scouts, how I rode a two-wheeler at 13 and how I worked my way through med school selling burial plots door to door.
I wish I had time to get a haircut.
Well, they'll understand.
After all, it's war.
Did I mention that I taught my rabbit how to smile? - [Engine Stops.]
- Why did we stop? [Sighs.]
Get out.
Why? Something wrong with the jeep? Don't tell me we're out of gas.
We are past the checkpoint, and we don't need you anymore.
Besides, you're driving us crazy and we don't need a hostage that badly.
- Get out.
- What do you mean? You simpleton.
We are North Koreans.
Honest Injun? Don't hurt me! I'll tell you anything you wanna know.
- Get out of the jeep.
- You're not gonna torture me or anything? Some other time.
Go back to your camp.
It's the best thing you could do for our side.
You ungrateful creeps! I wouldn't lecture to you if you got down on your knees and begged me! [Sighs.]
Well, I'm sorry it didn't work out.
- And you lost your watch too.
- Forget it.
With those Chinese characters I could never read it anyway.
Here.
Take this.
It's a little going-away present.
A cake we made in the Mess.
- Thank you.
- Don't thank us till you taste it.
Cheer up, gentlemen.
The war will not last forever.
Yeah.
Maybe afterwards, you'll come to the States sometime and we'll all get together and have a few beers.
Or perhaps you'll take an exotic cruise to my country and we'll share some rice wine.
I bet you know some terrific places for Chinese food.
One or two but they're in Chicago.
Good-bye.
Geez, he was a pretty good doctor.
- What a waste.
- I just hope he doesn't take a bite out of that cake.
- There's a saw in it.
- [Chuckles.]
Major.
[No Audible Dialogue.]
- [Crickets Chirping.]
- Those clowns didn't fool me for a minute.
- I knew they were Commies the whole time.
- Then why did you go with them? - I figured I'd gather a little intelligence.
- You could use it.
They pulled guns on me, so I gave them both a quick karate chop knocked 'em cold and headed back to camp.
- Why didn't you bring back the jeep? - The jeep? Yeah, thejeep.
It's a big green thing.
Looks like a turtle with a thyroid condition.
You let a jeep filled with medical supplies fall into enemy hands.
Well, it was the humanitarian thing to do.
I mean, after all, they may be Commies, but they're people too, sort of.
Good.
We've got a whole tent filled with North Koreans in need of attention.
- They're all yours.
- All by myself? Don't whine, Frank.
You're the humanitarian.
- Oh, and what are you guys? - We're all-night poker players.
- Come on, Hawk, Colonel.
- Good night, Albert.
Good night, Dr.
Schweitzer.
Whole tent full?