My Family (2000) s05e09 Episode Script

Senor - Si.
- Must you leave so soon? - Si.
- Then, before you go, could you? Refill your loving cup? No.
Have sex with me.
Si.
Oh, yes! Olé! (Horn sounding) That's Richard's foghorn again.
This must be the foggiest villa in Spain.
Senor Grande? (Groaning) Hang on, that's not a foghorn.
It's (Snoring) Ben, you woke me up again! Ben! Maybe if I shift you off your back.
Dear God, I've killed him! Ben? (Snoring) Maybe next time.
- Hi, Dad.
- Mikey.
Care to guess why I'm so miserable today? Bye, Dad.
Never fails.
- Hi, Dad.
- It never lasts.
- Which of these tops do you prefer? - The cheapest.
- Dad.
- Janey's started a shopping business.
Yeah.
My company helps pick clothes for people, you know, sad fashion-illiterate people, people like Abi.
- Come on, Ben.
We need an outside opinion.
- Have you tried outside? Give me strength! - Mum, what's with the bread abuse? - Sorry, dear.
I was pretending it was your stupid father's stupid head.
You're upset about something, aren't you? Nothing that the violent removal of Ben's soft palate wouldn't cure.
It's about Ben, isn't it? If you must know, Susan's got it into her thick head that I'm a snorer.
Hah! A snorer? More like a Zeppelin with a slow puncture.
- I do not snore, Susan.
- Then why do I have to wake you every night? Because insomniacs like to share their misery.
Yes, the misery of having to listen to this.
(Snorting and moaning) Hey! I don't like seeing you two argue like this.
- Then close your eyes.
- Mum, you'll wake Kenzo.
- Why are you here? - The boiler in my place has packed up.
Until it's fixed, I'm using your spare room to run my shopping company.
- Your what? - Mum, Mrs Milligan's outside.
She says if you're not out before she finishes her lipstick, you can walk to work.
The cow and her lipstick! - Have you packed my lunch? - Yes.
It's your father's head.
Enjoy.
Am I crazy, or have your parents been having a lot more rows lately? I'm not sure that's an either/or question.
Trivial things like snoring triggered my father's divorces.
- All five of them? - Yeah.
I'll be watching.
Will you? (Alarm bleeping) What the? What the hell was that? The sound of me snapping.
Your mental elastic packed in years ago.
- How dare you be so nonchalant? - I am not being nonchalant.
I am being very chalant.
What am I being chalant about? Your snoring.
It keeps getting worse.
- I do not - Snore.
I know.
Then who's this? - Oh, my What have you done? - I recorded last night's one-man show.
You taped me without my consent? - Think of it as CCTV gone wild.
- Susan! That is a violation of the unwritten laws of marriage.
So is burping during sex, but you still do it.
- Now, watch.
I'll make popcorn.
- No.
- I prefer Weetabix.
Goodbye.
- No.
Get off.
Get off me.
Susan, get off! Get off! Susan! Get off me! Stop it! Stop! - Listen, I'm stronger than I look, you know.
- So am I.
OK, OK, so you are.
- If you don't let go of me, I'll - You'll what? - I'll scream.
- Go on, then.
Go on.
Argh! - Is that the best you can do? - It's not my fault.
- I have testicles.
- I can soon fix that.
Susan! Susan! No! Oooh! (Chuckling) Get off! Oh, Susan! Whoa! Whoa! You know In other circumstances, this might be quite a turn-on.
Watch the tape! It's for your own good! - Susan, no! - Now, watch! Watch! No! (Ben) Oh, my God Oh, God, no! Turn it off! Turn it off! Turn it off! All right, OK, so I snore, but I wasn't that loud.
The volume was on level two.
Care to hear it on three? No! No! No! Anything but that! So, what are you going to do about it? Well, we could start by having another kinky wrestling match.
- All right.
- OK.
Can I help you? Or, more to the point, can you be helped? I was just thinking how families are like farms.
To nurture his stock, a farmer, ie you, needs loads of sunshine, and just a teensy bit of rain.
Lay off the rain, Ben.
Hello, dear.
What's new? Apparently, we're a farm now.
We've managed to raise a pig, a cow and a donkey.
Drink is not the answer, Susan.
Strangely enough, it is.
Alcohol before bedtime is a huge cause of snoring.
- Don't even go there.
- I thought you'd say that.
So, luckily, I found a few home snoring remedies, just things like cotton reels down your back.
- What? - Nasal strips, or a jaw extender.
Um, hello Not happening.
Or you could always give up drinking in the evening.
It's your choice.
Ben, are you coming to bed? - You didn't have to wear them all at once.
- (Muffled) I'm being a martyr.
You're being a moron.
- Oh! - It's rather sweet you're doing this for me.
Don't flatter yourself.
I'm doing this for drink.
Even so.
Good night.
- Never mind.
- (Mumbles) (Hissing) Ben - What? - Can you turn the volume down on that? Sorry, no.
Don't you find the repetition calming? - No! - Oh.
Go in the spare room.
I would, but my leash won't reach.
- Janey and Kenzo are in there.
- All right, the living room? (Giggling) Shh My parents imposed a strict curfew on having fun.
- When did it start? - My birth.
I love a guy who can make me laugh.
Oh, really? Well, in that case, I, er - I can't think of anything funny.
(Laughing) - I must just go to the loo.
- It's OK, been to the chemist's.
- Pardon? - I said it's through there.
I'll just get some drinks.
You don't waste time, do you? Mon ami Je t'aime toujours.
S'il vous plait, ce soir nous - Michael? - Molly? - Ben? - Mum! - Michael? - Mum? - Michael! - Molly - Molly? - Molly, wait, please.
- I thought she was you.
- Oh, thanks a lot! - Who are you? - I'm out of here.
- Don't call me.
- Molly, wait! I'm funny, remember.
Nobody's that funny.
Michael, what do you think you're doing bringing home girls at this time of night? Don't worry, it won't happen again.
Ever.
You're just lucky it was me on the couch, not your father.
Oh, God, now that's in my head.
(# Grieg: Morning from Peer Gynt) You're welcome.
- Janey, I've a fashion question for you.
- Shoot.
Where are my clothes? I gave them away.
- What? - Need clothes, do you? Then you need a personal shopper.
My card.
Hmm Anyone would think you'd planned this.
Morning! Breakfast, kids.
- What? - Yes, made breakfast.
Come on, come on.
That was the creepiest thing ever.
Until now.
- Where are all my clothes? - Janey gave them away.
- No.
I threw his clothes out.
- What? Fashion is about confidence, Michael.
Your looks make you be confident for when you feel confident.
You look good in fashion about the way you look.
I couldn't put it any plainer than that.
I'm afraid you couldn't.
- Er Mum, were you just outside? - I was jogging.
- What? On purpose? - Of course.
Well, I've got to say, Susan, you look dead fit in that gear.
- Thank you.
- Nice firm arse, eh? What are you asking me for? Oh, Michael don't you look adorable in that uniform? - Yeah Mum, you never jog.
- Well, today's different.
I woke up feeling as if a new beginning was under way.
- You had a row with Ben last night, didn't you? - Yes.
- Is that why you slept on the couch? - Yes.
- How did you know she slept on the? - I just know.
Come on, everybody.
Breakfast is getting co Oh, look at you! Oh, Mikey! - Oh, that takes me back.
- Yes.
- Oh, isn't he wonderful? - Yes, and so are you.
- I thought I'd get a Chinese takeaway tonight.
- Oh, spiffy-wiffy-do! Yes! Ah, don't forget the soy sauce.
Remember last time.
- Oh, and I'm still soy sorry about that.
- Aww! Oh, you! Oooh, yippee-doo! I feel a chill.
Me too.
Something is very wrong with your parents.
What are you on about? They're always kissing.
This time, it was like they were trying too hard, and you saw your mum in that tracksuit.
Yeah, but it did nothing for me.
All my stepmums got in shape towards the end.
I've seen it so many times.
First, they bicker over trivial things, then they sleep apart, then they act extra nice to each other.
Final stop, Divorceville, Pennsylvania.
- If they do split, I'll stay with Dad.
- Really? But you and Mum are so close.
It was one little kiss! I barely felt anything! - Morning, Ben.
- Morning, Roger.
Can I? Wait.
You just called me Roger.
Yes.
It sounds so cool when you say my name, much better than twazzock or jelly brain.
So, can I just pinch your floss? Help yourself.
Oh, come on.
You can take more than that.
Why are you being so unmean to me? Well, Susan and I had a little tiff last night, and she slept on the couch.
- And that put you in a good mood? - Yup.
Apparently one night's sleep without Susan is all it takes.
Anyway, that bed should be mine.
I paid for it.
Why should I sleep on just a quarter of it? - Tell it, brother.
- If only I could sleep alone again tonight.
But how? Simple pimple.
Just have another fight.
- Pardon? - Criticise her.
Call Susan a big, hairy shmush face.
- Yeah, that's worth a try.
- Sure.
Now, then, matey, what say you and me have lunch together this afternoon? I didn't sleep that well, jelly brain.
Bedtime, is it? - Yes.
- Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
- What did you say? - I didn't say anything.
Really? Right, well, it must have been the way you didn't say it.
Fine, then don't be that way.
- Ben, I'm not sure I like your tone.
- Really? Well, tough titties.
- Why are you acting like a child? - Mmm.
Better acting a child than being a big, hairy shmush face.
- What? - Don't ask me to repeat it, Susan.
- I'm not going to sit here and listen to this! - Fine.
Fine.
- Fine.
- Oh, I'm sorry, Susan.
That was pathetic.
Too late.
The train has left the station.
Look, Susan, I was pretending to be an arse so we'd have another row.
- I can't say I noticed the difference.
- Look, I slept really well last night, and - You don't want to sleep with me either.
- No.
What do you mean, "either"? Do you mean either as in another bloke doesn't want to sleep with you? No, either as in I don't want to sleep with you.
Oh, that's OK.
No, it isn't.
Why don't you want to sleep with me? Last night was a revelation.
We've spent nights apart, but this was different.
I felt safe, knowing you were nearby, but I could get some proper sleep.
Darling, you shouldn't have to sleep on that crummy sofa.
It's got bits of Nick still in the fabric.
When Janey moves back out, I can take the spare room.
Perfect, yeah.
Yeah.
And then we can still have sex before bed? - Of course.
- Even more perfect.
Come here, smush face.
Oh! Oh! Oh! Come on, Abi.
You know it makes sense.
(Abi) I won't be forced into anything.
- You look ridiculous in that.
- It was good enough for Halloween.
- It's good enough for now.
- But I bought loads for you.
- Not bad.
Are they my size.
- Don't be stupid.
They're my size.
- Is something wrong, Mum? - Oh Your father and I just had another of our fights.
You're not sleeping downstairs again, are you? Yes, and thanks to Ben, I may be sleeping there permanently.
Can we keep the noise down, please? Some of us are trying to download hard-core homework.
- Hi, Mum.
- You look a right berk, dressed like that.
Oh, right.
I'm in a cheese costume.
Night-night, all.
Your mum seemed very happy to be sleeping on her own, didn't she? Well, it is Dad she's married to.
Divorceville, now boarding at Platform 4.
Calling at Single Town, Split City, Loneliness Hills and Meal For One ingham.
- We have to do something.
- Yeah.
Look at what divorce has done to Abi.
We can't risk ending up like her.
Oh, God What if it is me? What if I'm the jinx? What if all five of my father's divorces have been my fault? - And now Ben and Susan.
- Look, don't worry, Abi.
We'll find a way to keep them together.
Do you smell something? I think my cheese has gone off.
Hey, thanks for stopping by to see me, Pops.
Er I'm only one floor down, you know.
Oh, wow! New shirt? Oh, yeah.
Janey bought me new clothes.
- What do you think? - I think Janey bought you new clothes.
Anyhoo, I reckon it's high time we had us a little powwow, mano a mano.
OK.
You and mum aren't sleeping together.
Oh, that! Oh, come on, it's a little problem in bed.
You don't have to say anything that makes you uncomfortable.
I'm over the embarrassment.
It happens to a lot of people.
Some people find it a problem, but it's not uncommon.
You don't have to say anything that makes me uncomfortable.
Hey, come here.
You know (Sniggering) You know the other night? Your mother secretly videoed me going at it while she was trying to sleep.
I mean I'll show you the tape.
No! No child should ever have to see his parents doing that.
No, no, no.
It's not what you see that's horrible.
It's what you can hear that 's so gross.
I'm grunting and snorting like a wild animal.
It's not human.
No wonder your mother's had enough.
Please go now.
Abi, you look really smart.
Thanks, Ben.
You've been saying some really nice things to me lately.
Actually, you're saying the same things you always do, only without the sarcasm.
(Chuckling) You are a hoot.
Yeah, just like that.
Anyway, I wanted to tell you that I'm largely responsible for the problems in your marriage.
Er I don't understand.
So, for the sake of the family, I've decided to move out.
I understand.
Well, that's it, I suppose.
I'll open it up to questions.
No? Right.
- Well, if you're leaving, you might as well go.
- Well, I was thinking more like a week or two.
No.
I mean, what kind of gesture is that? I mean, come on, think of the boy.
- Oh, Ben - Not now, Susan.
I'm a bit busy.
Too busy for? See you.
Every second counts.
- That was wonderful.
- Oh, yes.
You were really very good tonight.
I know.
It must be something to do with the extra rest I'm getting.
It's done a lot for my motor skills.
- Not to mention your stamina.
- (Sniggers) Well, good night.
Er hello.
Susan? Susan? Back for more already? Nope.
Aren't you forgetting something? Oh, yes, of course, the good night kiss.
Nope.
Try again.
- I'm sorry, but - This isn't where you sleep any more, is it? You mean you still want me to leave? It's for the best.
- But we just - Well - Right, OK.
- Come on, Susan.
It's what we agreed to.
I feel like a hooker whose services are no longer needed.
Oh, come on, Susan! Of course they're needed, just not while I'm asleep.
You'll be hearing from my pimp.
You and Ben made it up, then? We will after I kill him.
Time to pack your bags, Abi Harper.
- All right, Dad? - Huh! So, how much longer are you here for? Hey, you say that like you don't want me around.
Nonsense.
So, how much longer are you here for? - The boiler should be fixed by tomorrow.
- Oh, good.
So, the personal shopping biz going well, is it? It's great.
I'm going out of business.
- And that's good? - Yeah.
I love closing-down sales.
Such great bargains.
Janey, you do realise you'll be buying from yourself? Oh, yeah.
I forgot about that.
I should be able to score a massive discount! Thanks, Dad.
- Morning, darling.
- Hello.
- Still angry? - Not particularly.
- Ben, sleeping apart is great, but - Look, Susan, I can't stand this any more.
- Ben, I - Look, just let me speak, please.
I didn't sleep a wink last night.
I kept waking, thinking there was something missing, and, God help me, I think it was you.
- Please come back.
- Do you mean that? I'm afraid I do.
You'd really rather be miserable with me than comfortable and alone? Isn't that what families are all about? - Yes, I expect you're right.
- Oh, yeah.
Susan, please Please, Susan, sleep with me again.
Well, I don't know, Ben.
You're asking an awful lot.
- I'll give you control of the duvet.
- Well, if that's all it's worth to you No.
OK.
OK.
I don't know, but I could give you the final say on when the lights go out.
Tempting.
- How about a foot massage every night.
- Oh, I'd love one.
Yeah, fine.
OK.
Yeah, sure.
Whatever.
Can we just go back to the way things were? Well, I suppose I could give up my comfy couch if it'll make you happy.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Excellent.
Right, I'm off, then.
I just wanted to say that the years I've spent here have made me grow as a person, and I Look, I'm trying to make an emotional farewell here.
If you two can't stop being lovey-dovey for two minutes, then I Oh, hey, you're back together again.
I can unpack.
No! No! No! No! No! It's OK.
We're just kissing each other goodbye for ever.
No, there's still time to save our marriage.
You just have to go now.
- Ben - You just have to Oh, what the hell.
The more the miserabler.
Hey-hey-hey-hey-hey! Hey, are you coming to bed or not? Buenas noches, senorita.
- Oh.
- What? What? I'm wearing it like in the dream you told me about.
- I know, but - But what? Where are the other two, José and Pedro?