NewsRadio (1995) s05e09 Episode Script
Boston
All right, thanks, everybody, but I've got the speech worked out, okay? How about this? "After you graduate, get out of Wisconsin or you'll wind up working at the cheese mill all your life.
" Well, first off, that-- That isn't true.
All right? And second, they're called "dairies", not cheese mills.
And third, a lot of them have good employee benefits.
Really, Dave? Uh, like what? All the free cheese you could smuggle out in your overalls? [LAUGHS.]
Okay, four, not everyone in Wisconsin wears overalls.
Whatever, Dave.
And five, the overalls are a very comfortable, functional garment for the working man.
Something cynical urbanites like yourselves overlook.
No, it's true.
I, uh-- I happen to have a pair of overalls that I wear on the weekends.
Mmm.
I thought you wore your footy pajamas on the weekends? Oh, yeah, sure, I do, but, you know, when I go out I like to sling on a pair of overalls over my pj's and really let her rip.
So, what's going on? Dave has to give a speech to the kids at his high school.
I'm just putting down a few words of advice on videotape for them.
My-- My English teacher asked me to.
Oh.
Couldn't get out of it, huh? I had no desire to.
Mr.
Thernstrom taught me more than I learned in all my other courses.
Oh, I get you, I get you.
Like, like, "Don't do drugs.
" No.
He abhorred a cliché.
Oh, so his message was, "Do do drugs"? No.
It's just that his wisdom was a little more sophisticated-- [GIGGLES.]
Oh, sorry.
Yes, Matthew? "Do do.
" [CHUCKLES.]
Yeah, that's right, Matthew.
Do-do.
[LAUGHING.]
Do-do.
Poop-poop.
[LAUGHING.]
You know, Dave, that kind of material might have gone over big at the cheese mill, but here we're a bit beyond that.
I'm not.
Me, neither.
Ca-ca! Thank you, sweethea-- Mm-hm.
Beth, what's wrong with your hands? Oh, um, I have carpal tunnel syndrome.
Oooh, boy, that's terrible.
People get that from, uh, like typing too much, right? Yeah.
How'd you get it? Beats me.
Actually, it might not be carpal tunnel.
The doctor told me to wrap my hands until the tests come back.
But if you need some time off-- Oh, that's fine.
It's just a minor inconvenience.
Okay.
Thank you.
[PHONE RINGS.]
Um, actually, would you mind? No.
Thank you.
WNYX.
No, he's not in right now, but could I take a message? Okay, go ahead.
But could you speak slowly? Thank you.
And that's 2:00? Okay.
Ah! Ahhh.
You know what? Um, could you call back because I'm getting a charley horse.
[.]
[.]
And lawmakers expressed hope the bill would pass before the next recess.
More news after this.
You know what, I can help you fix that if you want.
Help me fix what, Max? Your speech impediment.
I do not have a speech impediment.
Yeah, of course you do.
It's a classic example of a sibilant S.
No, I most certainly do not have a sibilant S.
"No, I mossst certainly do not have a sssibilant S.
" That's not how I sound.
"That's not how I sssound.
" Stop it.
"Ssstop it.
" Shut up.
"Shut up.
" Ssss.
I'm just trying to help you.
Joe put magnetic strips on it for me.
Cool, huh? Y-you're sure there's enough light in here, Joe? Relax, dude.
It's gonna be fine.
You're taking this video pretty seriously.
Well, Mr.
Thernstrom was a pretty big inspiration for me.
My English teacher was an inspiration to me too.
Uh-huh.
I take it she didn't wear a bra.
And, dude, if anyone ever needed one, it was her.
Oh, man.
Hey, do I have a speech impediment? Eh, no.
Why? Max is saying I have a sibilant S.
Oh, that? Yeah, yeah.
But it's charming.
What do you mean? I mean, um, it's kind of cute.
Say "seesaw.
" What? Yeah, yeah.
Say "seesaw".
Forget it.
Oh, come on.
I love it when she says "seesaw".
Me too.
It's really cute, isn't it? Mm-hm.
All right, let's do this.
In three, two, one.
Greetings, fellow-- And action.
Greetings, fellow Grizzlies, and of course, Mr.
Thernstrom.
Dave Nelson here from the class of '83.
You know, back then, a very wise man gave me two valuable bits of advice: Aim high and never give up.
Now, when I say "aim high"-- Dude.
I gotta stop you there.
Something wrong with the camera? No, your speech.
What? It's crap.
Well, great.
Thank-- Thank you, Joe.
Leave the camera, and I'll do this on my own.
All right, fine.
Yeah.
Okay.
Thank you.
[SIGHS.]
Greetings, fellow Grizzlies.
Dude, I'm sorry.
I can't let you do that.
What? What's wrong? I'm just telling them to aim high.
Hey, I aimed high.
What good did it do me? Well, you're one of the best self-educated electricians/ conspiracy theorists.
Yeah, but I got lucky.
What? Dude, let me tell you something.
Back when I was in college-- I thought you didn't go to college.
You said it was a spawning ground for the mind slaves of the secret ruling elite.
Not every college.
Just Ohio State.
Anyway, when I was in college, all right, I didn't wanna pick any one of those easy majors like-- Like English, or History, or Communications.
Yeah, I--I-- I was a Communications major, Joe.
Oh, really? Anyway, I-I wanted to pick something that would really challenge me.
So I chose Applied Mathematics.
Yeah, but, J-Joe, that's the toughest major you could pick.
No kidding.
Yeah, that's why after a year and a half I flunked out.
I don't want those kids to go through that same humiliation I went through.
So, what you're saying is Aim low.
Aim low.
Yeah, that's great advice.
Aim low.
Aim low-- If I had a college diploma, you think I'd be here right now? No, I'd be in Area 51 with the big boys.
I wouldn't be here.
I'd be back engineering alien technology.
I wouldn't be wasting my homemade duct tape on-- On coffee machines and toasters, and-- Whatever, dude.
Have fun with your little speech.
Joe.
Good day, sir.
Come on, Joe.
I said, good day, sir! "Some centaurs saw a saucer.
" And again.
"Some centaurs saw a saucer.
" Again.
"Some centaurs saw a--" Stop.
Lisa what part of Boston are you from? I only lived there till I was 7.
How'd you know that? What part? Hyde Park.
Hyde Park? I think not.
Sounds like West Roxbury.
We were right on the border of West Roxbury.
Our zip code was in Hyde Park.
Of course.
I've seen this before.
And then when you were 7 you moved to-- Connecticut.
Correct.
And the children at your new school made fun of your accent so you got rid of it.
I talked my parents into letting me see a speech therapist.
A charlatan who cured you of your Boston accent yet burdened you with the inimitable sibilant S.
Max, that makes no sense.
"Some centaurs saw a saucer.
" "Some centaurs saw a saucer.
" Saucer.
Saucer.
Sau-cer.
Sau-cer.
Sir.
Sir.
Sir.
Sir.
Perfect.
I gotta go now.
Wait, no.
Perfection isn't enough.
We need to be superhuman.
To the radio listener, we are gods.
No, we're not.
Well, not yet.
Not until we have eradicated the sibilant S.
[SIGHS.]
Now répétez.
Répétez.
No, don't-- [LAUGHS.]
Don't-- Don't say "répétez".
It's a French word for "do it again".
Do what again? Some centaurs saw a saucer.
Again.
Some centaurs saw a saucer.
Good.
Now 5000 more times.
Often, more often than I ever imagined, we have to put aside intellectual reasoning and follow our hearts.
Now, w-when I say "follow your heart", what I-- What I mean-- Hello, Wisconsin.
Hey, this is my boss Mr.
Jimmy James.
Hi.
Do you have words of advice for the leaders of tomorrow, sir? Yeah, always use a condom.
And if-- If-- If you're too embarrassed to buy 'em at the drugstore just-- Just you shoplift 'em.
It's easy.
Thank you, sir.
Now I have to start again.
Oh, I'm sorry.
That's all right.
What were you telling them about following your heart? Well, you know, when I was in high school I thought you could logically reason your way through every decision-- Yeah, I got you.
Did I ever tell you about Margie? Marg-- I don't think so.
Yeah, my high school sweetheart Margie.
Man, oh, Manishevitz, did I love that girl.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, but after we graduated, she went off to college up in Oregon and I didn't wanna quit my job.
I stayed in Florida.
We said we'd write.
But then you sorta lost touch and you always wondered what would have happened if you had followed your heart? Oh, no, Dave, I-- I-- I did follow my heart.
I quit my job.
I lit off for Oregon, I moved into her dorm room with her.
Oh.
Yeah.
And then it all just went to hell.
I mean, I didn't have a job.
So she had to sneak food out of the dining hall and she-- The campus police busted her for stealing trays.
She blamed me.
I, of course, joined the Army to get back at her.
Then I spent the next two years, you know, dodging mortar shells in Southeast Asia.
Yeah, yeah, but-- But if you hadn't followed your heart you would have always been left wondering what might have been.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
L-let's think about that for a second.
Uh, l-let's see, lovelorn fry cook in Ocala, Florida or bitterly depressed human target in Cam Ranh Bay? Okay, sir, so you had a bit of a tough break there.
But the principle-- Tough break.
I'll tell you what you tell the little snots.
You tell them-- You tell them to follow your head, all right? You follow your head.
Because if your heart starts talking y-you just make your head tell it to shut the hell up! I can't believe that you made me all upset here.
Why'd you have to bring up Margie anyway? Well, sir, I-- I-- I-- I-- I didn't.
Sir, sir.
I really didn't-- What? You want me to-- You want me to take you off the air.
Why? Why? [MOUTHED SPEECH.]
Oh, eh, the strep throat again? Oh, Beth? Will you call the doctor and get him to see Lisa right away? Dave, I just put my shoe back on.
Beth, just-- Well, uh So, what's, uh, the problem, huh? [BOSTON ACCENT.]
I spent three years in speech therapy trying to cover this God-awful Boston accent.
And after 45 minutes with Max, I'm back at the chowder house serving scrod to those jerks from Harvard.
Hey, the sibilant S is gone.
Am I a miracle worker or what? Up yours, you loser.
[.]
[.]
DAVE: Thanks, Beth, but I've really heard enough really depressing personal anecdotes for one day.
Dave, it's not depressing, it's uplifting.
And it's for the kids.
All right, all right, all right.
So you're in 7th grade, right? Right.
And my parents decided I should go to private school, so I got the whole uniform.
You know, the plaid skirt and the white tights? Yeah.
So I show up on the first day, and I'm the only person wearing a uniform.
Turns out this particular school does not require uniforms.
So everyone's laughing at me.
Oh, God, please stop.
And I just wanted to cry, you know? I felt like crying, but I didn't.
I just went along with them and laughed, like it was some big joke, you know? And then the next day, I wore the uniform.
And that became my "thing.
" The girl who wears the wacky outfits.
Ha-ha-ha! Which you continue to do to this day, right? Well, yes, Dave.
Because once you start, you can't stop.
Or people will think you're chickening out.
Then 19 years go by and you're a grown woman who dresses like a [GROANS.]
I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to look like anymore.
I mean, you know? Thanks.
That was uplifting.
Tell the kids, Dave.
Conform.
Don't stick out.
Fit in.
Go along with the crowd, okay? Mm-hmm.
No one should have to end up like this, Dave.
Uh-huh.
[.]
I think this one sticks a little bit.
Joe, there is nothing wrong with my drawer.
Maybe it's this one here.
There's nothing wrong with it.
Ahem.
Lisa, could I borrow that? My stapler? Oh, my God, uh, what is that on your desk? This? Yeah, what the hell do you call that-- That thing again? My computer? [LAUGHS.]
"Computah.
" Ha-ha-ha.
It's not funny, you guys.
It's not-- Oh, Lisa, what's this I found on your desk? It's a pencil.
I'm sorry, don't you mean a "pencil"? That's what I said.
Yeah, right.
I'm gonna go grab a soda.
Can you grab me a bottle of water? [LAUGHS.]
Dave, tell them to stop teasing me.
You tell them.
It sounds funnier.
[GURGLES.]
Mmm.
Popcorn, I see.
Good choice.
Thank you.
So how's that old speechwriting coming along, huh? Swimmingly.
Couldn't be better.
Don't need any advice.
Thank you.
Goodbye.
Are you sure? 'Cause I do have some advice for the wee ones.
Please, no.
Why not? I-I-- Yeah.
Why--? Why not? Why not? Because today your cohorts have convinced me to tell the kids to fit in, give up, aim low, and never, ever follow your heart.
That's the exact opposite of what I was gonna tell 'em.
Oh, yeah? Yeah, I was gonna tell 'em to aim high.
You know, keep-- Keep trying.
Dare to be different.
And just do whatever it takes to make your dreams a reality.
Well, yeah.
Yeah.
Exactly.
See? Those aren't such bad rules to try to live your life by are they? No.
No, they are not.
No, sir.
What do you think got me where I am today? Oh, I shoulda known.
[BEEPS.]
Oh, Dave, your popcorn.
Ow! Dave? Dave? Lisa Um I'm sorry.
I wanna apologize for-- We were really, really ragging on you hard before.
Whatever.
No, I-- Okay.
Seriously, you seem very sensitive about it and I'm sorry if I hurt you.
Thank you.
Now, does your mother talk like that all the time? What? You know, ugly.
Like the way you're talking now.
Does she do that ugly talk all the time, or? Can we not bring my mother into this, please? Oh, no, I'm not.
I was just thinking what if your mom talked like that? You must be embarrassed every time she opens her mouth.
Matthew, I have a wicked short fuse today, okay? No, no, no.
I was just thinking, I guess I'm lucky 'cause everyone in my family, ahem, talks like normal people.
And I guess we can't all be that lucky though, right? Okay, yes.
My mother talks like this, and so does my father, and so do my brothers.
And guess what? They're tons smarter than you.
I'm sorry, I didn't understand a word of that.
Could you repeat? Matthew? Yeah? Do you like apples? Sure.
You spilled your popcorn.
How do you like them apples? Me-- Me no like.
[.]
What? What's the big deal? Shhh.
What, do you wanna make out? No.
No.
Okay? I need you for a little girl talk.
Uh, Beth, I'm not a girl.
I know that, Joe.
But I tried talking to Lisa, okay? When she said "heart-to-heart," I started laughing.
So you're just gonna have to fill in.
Do I have to act like a girl? If you want to.
Well, I don't.
Hey, good for you.
Okay.
Here's my problem.
I don't have carpal tunnel syndrome.
There's nothing wrong with my hands.
I made it up.
Well, that's stupid.
If you could act a little bit more like a girl No.
Effeminate man's my limit.
Fine, let's go with that.
Okay.
Honey, why'd you do such a silly thing as that? Okay, that's good.
Okay.
Good, good, good.
This morning, when I got up, I thought it'd be a great idea to mix all my nail polish colors together to see what I got.
Only the color I got was hideous, right? I didn't have time to take it off, so-- So you wrapped your hands in bandages and faked a medical condition? Yeah.
Tell me what you think of this color.
I'm getting sick of these bandages.
It's fine.
Okay, is that the effeminate man talking or the man-man talking? I don't know.
I don't know.
It's really important that you make out with me right now! Hey, kids.
Go, Grizzlies.
Drugs are bad, huh? I sure could use a drink though.
Dave, where's Max? Huh? Why? Why? Yeah, why? LISA [OVER RADIO.]
: A stalker was found on Madonna's property.
A spokesman for the singer said she'd press charges.
WNYX newstime: half past 4.
Isn't it wonderful? No, it isn't wonderful, Max.
Now go out there and undo what you did.
You mean, reconnecting Lisa with the sweet, brave child at the core of her inner self? No.
Uh-uh.
I mean-- I mean screwing up Lisa's accent so-- so I'll pull her off the air, so you can ask for a raise.
Oh, that.
An unfortunate side effect.
Oh, forget it.
I gotta do everything myself.
Hey, how's that speech coming? Get lost, Max.
No, I have some wonderful advice for the kids.
What--? What is it? "Give up"? "Life sucks"? "Get cancer early and often"? No.
What happened to you? I'm sorry.
I've just had a little bit too much advice from the people around here today.
Oh, well, there's your problem.
What? Taking advice from a bunch of losers.
They are not losers, Max.
Then why did they end up working here? Okay, Max, first off, this is not such a bad place to work.
And second off, why does anyone end up anywhere, all right? Y-you start out in one direction and you end up someplace else.
Okay-- These people had tough breaks but they've made the best of it.
Okay-- I won't have you say because they work here, they are losers.
Do you understand me? Okay, I'm sorry.
Jeez.
All right, well, what's your advice for the kids, Max? I just wanted to tell them that it's okay to be a loser.
'Cause I'm one, and it's worked out pretty good for me.
[.]
JIMMY: Again.
"Some centaurs, sir.
" No, again.
Some centaurs-- No, again.
Hey, Dave, you finish that speech? Uh, just about.
Yeah, I-I think I finally got it figured out.
Good.
F-feeling good about it, really.
What'd you decide--? No! What? Sorry.
Force of habit.
I'll leave you to it.
Okay.
Again.
Okay.
Some centaurs-- No.
Again.
I can help you fix that.
Oh, no, thanks, Max.
You've done enough damage already.
No, no, not her.
You.
What about me? "Again.
" Say it.
Again.
Ocala, Florida.
Am I right? Yeah.
Just south of the railroad tracks? Yeah.
Your boyhood home had a wooden floor.
Look, son, you try that "rain in Spain" crap on me, I'll be on you like ugly on a ape.
On an ape.
Max.
Leaving.
What I'm trying to say is that no matter how well you think you know someone, look deeper.
Even your closest friends have layers of complexity that you can't imagine.
And understanding them, I mean, really understanding them is the key to compassion and to forgiveness and to friendship.
Thank you, Grizzlies.
And most of all, thank you, Mr.
Thernstrom.
Profound words.
Yes, class? And inspired stuff.
Mr.
Thernstrom? I'm in the middle of a class.
Of course you are, but it's time for your medication.
Very well.
Class dismissed.
[.]
[.]
" Well, first off, that-- That isn't true.
All right? And second, they're called "dairies", not cheese mills.
And third, a lot of them have good employee benefits.
Really, Dave? Uh, like what? All the free cheese you could smuggle out in your overalls? [LAUGHS.]
Okay, four, not everyone in Wisconsin wears overalls.
Whatever, Dave.
And five, the overalls are a very comfortable, functional garment for the working man.
Something cynical urbanites like yourselves overlook.
No, it's true.
I, uh-- I happen to have a pair of overalls that I wear on the weekends.
Mmm.
I thought you wore your footy pajamas on the weekends? Oh, yeah, sure, I do, but, you know, when I go out I like to sling on a pair of overalls over my pj's and really let her rip.
So, what's going on? Dave has to give a speech to the kids at his high school.
I'm just putting down a few words of advice on videotape for them.
My-- My English teacher asked me to.
Oh.
Couldn't get out of it, huh? I had no desire to.
Mr.
Thernstrom taught me more than I learned in all my other courses.
Oh, I get you, I get you.
Like, like, "Don't do drugs.
" No.
He abhorred a cliché.
Oh, so his message was, "Do do drugs"? No.
It's just that his wisdom was a little more sophisticated-- [GIGGLES.]
Oh, sorry.
Yes, Matthew? "Do do.
" [CHUCKLES.]
Yeah, that's right, Matthew.
Do-do.
[LAUGHING.]
Do-do.
Poop-poop.
[LAUGHING.]
You know, Dave, that kind of material might have gone over big at the cheese mill, but here we're a bit beyond that.
I'm not.
Me, neither.
Ca-ca! Thank you, sweethea-- Mm-hm.
Beth, what's wrong with your hands? Oh, um, I have carpal tunnel syndrome.
Oooh, boy, that's terrible.
People get that from, uh, like typing too much, right? Yeah.
How'd you get it? Beats me.
Actually, it might not be carpal tunnel.
The doctor told me to wrap my hands until the tests come back.
But if you need some time off-- Oh, that's fine.
It's just a minor inconvenience.
Okay.
Thank you.
[PHONE RINGS.]
Um, actually, would you mind? No.
Thank you.
WNYX.
No, he's not in right now, but could I take a message? Okay, go ahead.
But could you speak slowly? Thank you.
And that's 2:00? Okay.
Ah! Ahhh.
You know what? Um, could you call back because I'm getting a charley horse.
[.]
[.]
And lawmakers expressed hope the bill would pass before the next recess.
More news after this.
You know what, I can help you fix that if you want.
Help me fix what, Max? Your speech impediment.
I do not have a speech impediment.
Yeah, of course you do.
It's a classic example of a sibilant S.
No, I most certainly do not have a sibilant S.
"No, I mossst certainly do not have a sssibilant S.
" That's not how I sound.
"That's not how I sssound.
" Stop it.
"Ssstop it.
" Shut up.
"Shut up.
" Ssss.
I'm just trying to help you.
Joe put magnetic strips on it for me.
Cool, huh? Y-you're sure there's enough light in here, Joe? Relax, dude.
It's gonna be fine.
You're taking this video pretty seriously.
Well, Mr.
Thernstrom was a pretty big inspiration for me.
My English teacher was an inspiration to me too.
Uh-huh.
I take it she didn't wear a bra.
And, dude, if anyone ever needed one, it was her.
Oh, man.
Hey, do I have a speech impediment? Eh, no.
Why? Max is saying I have a sibilant S.
Oh, that? Yeah, yeah.
But it's charming.
What do you mean? I mean, um, it's kind of cute.
Say "seesaw.
" What? Yeah, yeah.
Say "seesaw".
Forget it.
Oh, come on.
I love it when she says "seesaw".
Me too.
It's really cute, isn't it? Mm-hm.
All right, let's do this.
In three, two, one.
Greetings, fellow-- And action.
Greetings, fellow Grizzlies, and of course, Mr.
Thernstrom.
Dave Nelson here from the class of '83.
You know, back then, a very wise man gave me two valuable bits of advice: Aim high and never give up.
Now, when I say "aim high"-- Dude.
I gotta stop you there.
Something wrong with the camera? No, your speech.
What? It's crap.
Well, great.
Thank-- Thank you, Joe.
Leave the camera, and I'll do this on my own.
All right, fine.
Yeah.
Okay.
Thank you.
[SIGHS.]
Greetings, fellow Grizzlies.
Dude, I'm sorry.
I can't let you do that.
What? What's wrong? I'm just telling them to aim high.
Hey, I aimed high.
What good did it do me? Well, you're one of the best self-educated electricians/ conspiracy theorists.
Yeah, but I got lucky.
What? Dude, let me tell you something.
Back when I was in college-- I thought you didn't go to college.
You said it was a spawning ground for the mind slaves of the secret ruling elite.
Not every college.
Just Ohio State.
Anyway, when I was in college, all right, I didn't wanna pick any one of those easy majors like-- Like English, or History, or Communications.
Yeah, I--I-- I was a Communications major, Joe.
Oh, really? Anyway, I-I wanted to pick something that would really challenge me.
So I chose Applied Mathematics.
Yeah, but, J-Joe, that's the toughest major you could pick.
No kidding.
Yeah, that's why after a year and a half I flunked out.
I don't want those kids to go through that same humiliation I went through.
So, what you're saying is Aim low.
Aim low.
Yeah, that's great advice.
Aim low.
Aim low-- If I had a college diploma, you think I'd be here right now? No, I'd be in Area 51 with the big boys.
I wouldn't be here.
I'd be back engineering alien technology.
I wouldn't be wasting my homemade duct tape on-- On coffee machines and toasters, and-- Whatever, dude.
Have fun with your little speech.
Joe.
Good day, sir.
Come on, Joe.
I said, good day, sir! "Some centaurs saw a saucer.
" And again.
"Some centaurs saw a saucer.
" Again.
"Some centaurs saw a--" Stop.
Lisa what part of Boston are you from? I only lived there till I was 7.
How'd you know that? What part? Hyde Park.
Hyde Park? I think not.
Sounds like West Roxbury.
We were right on the border of West Roxbury.
Our zip code was in Hyde Park.
Of course.
I've seen this before.
And then when you were 7 you moved to-- Connecticut.
Correct.
And the children at your new school made fun of your accent so you got rid of it.
I talked my parents into letting me see a speech therapist.
A charlatan who cured you of your Boston accent yet burdened you with the inimitable sibilant S.
Max, that makes no sense.
"Some centaurs saw a saucer.
" "Some centaurs saw a saucer.
" Saucer.
Saucer.
Sau-cer.
Sau-cer.
Sir.
Sir.
Sir.
Sir.
Perfect.
I gotta go now.
Wait, no.
Perfection isn't enough.
We need to be superhuman.
To the radio listener, we are gods.
No, we're not.
Well, not yet.
Not until we have eradicated the sibilant S.
[SIGHS.]
Now répétez.
Répétez.
No, don't-- [LAUGHS.]
Don't-- Don't say "répétez".
It's a French word for "do it again".
Do what again? Some centaurs saw a saucer.
Again.
Some centaurs saw a saucer.
Good.
Now 5000 more times.
Often, more often than I ever imagined, we have to put aside intellectual reasoning and follow our hearts.
Now, w-when I say "follow your heart", what I-- What I mean-- Hello, Wisconsin.
Hey, this is my boss Mr.
Jimmy James.
Hi.
Do you have words of advice for the leaders of tomorrow, sir? Yeah, always use a condom.
And if-- If-- If you're too embarrassed to buy 'em at the drugstore just-- Just you shoplift 'em.
It's easy.
Thank you, sir.
Now I have to start again.
Oh, I'm sorry.
That's all right.
What were you telling them about following your heart? Well, you know, when I was in high school I thought you could logically reason your way through every decision-- Yeah, I got you.
Did I ever tell you about Margie? Marg-- I don't think so.
Yeah, my high school sweetheart Margie.
Man, oh, Manishevitz, did I love that girl.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, but after we graduated, she went off to college up in Oregon and I didn't wanna quit my job.
I stayed in Florida.
We said we'd write.
But then you sorta lost touch and you always wondered what would have happened if you had followed your heart? Oh, no, Dave, I-- I-- I did follow my heart.
I quit my job.
I lit off for Oregon, I moved into her dorm room with her.
Oh.
Yeah.
And then it all just went to hell.
I mean, I didn't have a job.
So she had to sneak food out of the dining hall and she-- The campus police busted her for stealing trays.
She blamed me.
I, of course, joined the Army to get back at her.
Then I spent the next two years, you know, dodging mortar shells in Southeast Asia.
Yeah, yeah, but-- But if you hadn't followed your heart you would have always been left wondering what might have been.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
L-let's think about that for a second.
Uh, l-let's see, lovelorn fry cook in Ocala, Florida or bitterly depressed human target in Cam Ranh Bay? Okay, sir, so you had a bit of a tough break there.
But the principle-- Tough break.
I'll tell you what you tell the little snots.
You tell them-- You tell them to follow your head, all right? You follow your head.
Because if your heart starts talking y-you just make your head tell it to shut the hell up! I can't believe that you made me all upset here.
Why'd you have to bring up Margie anyway? Well, sir, I-- I-- I-- I-- I didn't.
Sir, sir.
I really didn't-- What? You want me to-- You want me to take you off the air.
Why? Why? [MOUTHED SPEECH.]
Oh, eh, the strep throat again? Oh, Beth? Will you call the doctor and get him to see Lisa right away? Dave, I just put my shoe back on.
Beth, just-- Well, uh So, what's, uh, the problem, huh? [BOSTON ACCENT.]
I spent three years in speech therapy trying to cover this God-awful Boston accent.
And after 45 minutes with Max, I'm back at the chowder house serving scrod to those jerks from Harvard.
Hey, the sibilant S is gone.
Am I a miracle worker or what? Up yours, you loser.
[.]
[.]
DAVE: Thanks, Beth, but I've really heard enough really depressing personal anecdotes for one day.
Dave, it's not depressing, it's uplifting.
And it's for the kids.
All right, all right, all right.
So you're in 7th grade, right? Right.
And my parents decided I should go to private school, so I got the whole uniform.
You know, the plaid skirt and the white tights? Yeah.
So I show up on the first day, and I'm the only person wearing a uniform.
Turns out this particular school does not require uniforms.
So everyone's laughing at me.
Oh, God, please stop.
And I just wanted to cry, you know? I felt like crying, but I didn't.
I just went along with them and laughed, like it was some big joke, you know? And then the next day, I wore the uniform.
And that became my "thing.
" The girl who wears the wacky outfits.
Ha-ha-ha! Which you continue to do to this day, right? Well, yes, Dave.
Because once you start, you can't stop.
Or people will think you're chickening out.
Then 19 years go by and you're a grown woman who dresses like a [GROANS.]
I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to look like anymore.
I mean, you know? Thanks.
That was uplifting.
Tell the kids, Dave.
Conform.
Don't stick out.
Fit in.
Go along with the crowd, okay? Mm-hmm.
No one should have to end up like this, Dave.
Uh-huh.
[.]
I think this one sticks a little bit.
Joe, there is nothing wrong with my drawer.
Maybe it's this one here.
There's nothing wrong with it.
Ahem.
Lisa, could I borrow that? My stapler? Oh, my God, uh, what is that on your desk? This? Yeah, what the hell do you call that-- That thing again? My computer? [LAUGHS.]
"Computah.
" Ha-ha-ha.
It's not funny, you guys.
It's not-- Oh, Lisa, what's this I found on your desk? It's a pencil.
I'm sorry, don't you mean a "pencil"? That's what I said.
Yeah, right.
I'm gonna go grab a soda.
Can you grab me a bottle of water? [LAUGHS.]
Dave, tell them to stop teasing me.
You tell them.
It sounds funnier.
[GURGLES.]
Mmm.
Popcorn, I see.
Good choice.
Thank you.
So how's that old speechwriting coming along, huh? Swimmingly.
Couldn't be better.
Don't need any advice.
Thank you.
Goodbye.
Are you sure? 'Cause I do have some advice for the wee ones.
Please, no.
Why not? I-I-- Yeah.
Why--? Why not? Why not? Because today your cohorts have convinced me to tell the kids to fit in, give up, aim low, and never, ever follow your heart.
That's the exact opposite of what I was gonna tell 'em.
Oh, yeah? Yeah, I was gonna tell 'em to aim high.
You know, keep-- Keep trying.
Dare to be different.
And just do whatever it takes to make your dreams a reality.
Well, yeah.
Yeah.
Exactly.
See? Those aren't such bad rules to try to live your life by are they? No.
No, they are not.
No, sir.
What do you think got me where I am today? Oh, I shoulda known.
[BEEPS.]
Oh, Dave, your popcorn.
Ow! Dave? Dave? Lisa Um I'm sorry.
I wanna apologize for-- We were really, really ragging on you hard before.
Whatever.
No, I-- Okay.
Seriously, you seem very sensitive about it and I'm sorry if I hurt you.
Thank you.
Now, does your mother talk like that all the time? What? You know, ugly.
Like the way you're talking now.
Does she do that ugly talk all the time, or? Can we not bring my mother into this, please? Oh, no, I'm not.
I was just thinking what if your mom talked like that? You must be embarrassed every time she opens her mouth.
Matthew, I have a wicked short fuse today, okay? No, no, no.
I was just thinking, I guess I'm lucky 'cause everyone in my family, ahem, talks like normal people.
And I guess we can't all be that lucky though, right? Okay, yes.
My mother talks like this, and so does my father, and so do my brothers.
And guess what? They're tons smarter than you.
I'm sorry, I didn't understand a word of that.
Could you repeat? Matthew? Yeah? Do you like apples? Sure.
You spilled your popcorn.
How do you like them apples? Me-- Me no like.
[.]
What? What's the big deal? Shhh.
What, do you wanna make out? No.
No.
Okay? I need you for a little girl talk.
Uh, Beth, I'm not a girl.
I know that, Joe.
But I tried talking to Lisa, okay? When she said "heart-to-heart," I started laughing.
So you're just gonna have to fill in.
Do I have to act like a girl? If you want to.
Well, I don't.
Hey, good for you.
Okay.
Here's my problem.
I don't have carpal tunnel syndrome.
There's nothing wrong with my hands.
I made it up.
Well, that's stupid.
If you could act a little bit more like a girl No.
Effeminate man's my limit.
Fine, let's go with that.
Okay.
Honey, why'd you do such a silly thing as that? Okay, that's good.
Okay.
Good, good, good.
This morning, when I got up, I thought it'd be a great idea to mix all my nail polish colors together to see what I got.
Only the color I got was hideous, right? I didn't have time to take it off, so-- So you wrapped your hands in bandages and faked a medical condition? Yeah.
Tell me what you think of this color.
I'm getting sick of these bandages.
It's fine.
Okay, is that the effeminate man talking or the man-man talking? I don't know.
I don't know.
It's really important that you make out with me right now! Hey, kids.
Go, Grizzlies.
Drugs are bad, huh? I sure could use a drink though.
Dave, where's Max? Huh? Why? Why? Yeah, why? LISA [OVER RADIO.]
: A stalker was found on Madonna's property.
A spokesman for the singer said she'd press charges.
WNYX newstime: half past 4.
Isn't it wonderful? No, it isn't wonderful, Max.
Now go out there and undo what you did.
You mean, reconnecting Lisa with the sweet, brave child at the core of her inner self? No.
Uh-uh.
I mean-- I mean screwing up Lisa's accent so-- so I'll pull her off the air, so you can ask for a raise.
Oh, that.
An unfortunate side effect.
Oh, forget it.
I gotta do everything myself.
Hey, how's that speech coming? Get lost, Max.
No, I have some wonderful advice for the kids.
What--? What is it? "Give up"? "Life sucks"? "Get cancer early and often"? No.
What happened to you? I'm sorry.
I've just had a little bit too much advice from the people around here today.
Oh, well, there's your problem.
What? Taking advice from a bunch of losers.
They are not losers, Max.
Then why did they end up working here? Okay, Max, first off, this is not such a bad place to work.
And second off, why does anyone end up anywhere, all right? Y-you start out in one direction and you end up someplace else.
Okay-- These people had tough breaks but they've made the best of it.
Okay-- I won't have you say because they work here, they are losers.
Do you understand me? Okay, I'm sorry.
Jeez.
All right, well, what's your advice for the kids, Max? I just wanted to tell them that it's okay to be a loser.
'Cause I'm one, and it's worked out pretty good for me.
[.]
JIMMY: Again.
"Some centaurs, sir.
" No, again.
Some centaurs-- No, again.
Hey, Dave, you finish that speech? Uh, just about.
Yeah, I-I think I finally got it figured out.
Good.
F-feeling good about it, really.
What'd you decide--? No! What? Sorry.
Force of habit.
I'll leave you to it.
Okay.
Again.
Okay.
Some centaurs-- No.
Again.
I can help you fix that.
Oh, no, thanks, Max.
You've done enough damage already.
No, no, not her.
You.
What about me? "Again.
" Say it.
Again.
Ocala, Florida.
Am I right? Yeah.
Just south of the railroad tracks? Yeah.
Your boyhood home had a wooden floor.
Look, son, you try that "rain in Spain" crap on me, I'll be on you like ugly on a ape.
On an ape.
Max.
Leaving.
What I'm trying to say is that no matter how well you think you know someone, look deeper.
Even your closest friends have layers of complexity that you can't imagine.
And understanding them, I mean, really understanding them is the key to compassion and to forgiveness and to friendship.
Thank you, Grizzlies.
And most of all, thank you, Mr.
Thernstrom.
Profound words.
Yes, class? And inspired stuff.
Mr.
Thernstrom? I'm in the middle of a class.
Of course you are, but it's time for your medication.
Very well.
Class dismissed.
[.]
[.]