Portlandia (2011) s05e09 Episode Script

I'd like to thank Paul Simon for coming here and discussing his autobiography.
And now, um, I'd like to open up the floor to questions.
Okay.
Um, yes.
The lady in the middle.
First of all, um, I'm a huge fan.
Oh, I have a lot to say.
I am really gonna make an impression on Paul Simon.
He'll say, "Good question.
I've been waiting my whole life for someone to ask that.
" That is an intelligent person, and that is who my real fans should be, not all these other people.
Did you have a question? Uh, no.
No.
Okay, thank you.
What was your inspiration for, uh They need to wait for the mic.
I'm sorry.
We can't hear you.
- Can't hear you.
- Sorry.
You're gonna need to wait for the microphone.
Yeah.
- Hi.
- Hi.
My husband, Dave, and I-- my name's Kath-- um, we are your ideal fans.
We know your entire discography.
Thank you.
Did you have a question? We had-- we had heard, uh, a-- I had heard a folk singer, and his vocalizations didn't have the discerning quality of tonality that, uh, I-- I think you and I seem like we're the same type of mu-- musically trained judges of how people sing.
Uh, do you find your discerning ear to criticize or at least assess that type of vocalizations? - Well, uh - Or is that just us? Okay, well-- well, thank you very much.
It might be time for us to move on to some other, uh, other questioners.
The old Gaelic Irish singers.
I'm sorry? What on earth are they saying? That accent is so thick.
Uh, is it me, or is it-- I mean, you must feel the same-- You have to feel the same way.
Well, just for the sake of expediency, I'm going to agree, but I do-- I do have to catch a plane, and this gentleman over here-- We want to thank everyone for coming, and that concludes our question.
Thank you very much, and we could hear you, the little whispering.
Believe me, the sound carries here, so we heard you.
- Good morning.
- Great.
We just got invited to a karaoke party.
- Oh, nice.
- No, this sucks.
I don't want to go to a karaoke party.
I don't want to butcher some song.
What do you mean? You got a beautiful voice.
Dave, a karaoke party is an unspoken competition.
You don't go there as an amateur vocalist and sing a professional song.
How long do we have? We have a week.
- That stresses me out.
- Dave, we can do it.
- I don't know.
- We're gonna attack this, Dave! I mean, I want people to hear us and just think that our version's better than the original version.
I know; I want them to think, when they go home, like, "You know what, I wonder if Kath and Dave have a CD out where they're singing Hey Jude or they're singing a song by"-- Creedence Clearwater Revival! Yes! What if we get a vocal coach? And we get professional singing lessons? Vocal coach.
Maybe we do something choreographed.
Yes! Think about this voice after lessons.
Oh, I love it.
- I love that voice.
- I know.
It's gonna be like angels singing.
I mean, it's basically gonna be a birthday party for our song.
Let's look up vocal coaches, I guess.
Okay.
Ready or not, here we come.
So my sister has this setup that I think is really cool.
It's just, like, all of my music in one central place, but I can play it in different rooms and kind of control my TV in the same way.
Well, that's exactly what we do.
- Perfect.
- So yeah.
We could put in speakers up there, down here, every room in the house.
You're gonna want a subwoofer under the television.
Ooh, new plaster up in that corner there.
Uh.
ooh, na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na What do you got, a screen back there? Yeah.
You might want to take that out, 'cause it's catching all the treble.
oh, ah, ah What we're realizing is we probably need to put a subfloor down and some baffling up.
- What's baffling? - It deadens the sound.
You don't want things to be too tinny.
Otherwise, it just sounds like a Chinese kitchen.
What does that sound like? - This is a constant cacophony.
- Okay, how long is this-- So when you listen to The Beatles, it sounds like the Chinese Beatles.
You know what I'm saying? That sounds really racist to me.
We use this in the industry all the time.
It has nothing to do with-- with what nation they're from.
I don't use it in the industry, but it's true that he does.
How are you on volume? Is this volume loud? - Yeah.
That's loud.
- Is this more quiet? Yeah.
Of course that's more quiet.
- You're talking more quietly.
- All right.
Well, we're gonna get to installing.
Okay.
Great.
everybody get ready, it's time to play Why are you stapling my table? That's just temporary.
Well, don't staple it.
I don't want this on here.
What was that? I'm so sorry.
Nothing.
So this is device one.
- Okay.
- All your rooms are set up.
We've got your kitchen.
We've got your bedroom.
We've got the hallways.
We have speakers everywhere.
Why don't we turn on some music in the kitchen? Okay.
- Kitchen.
- Um, okay.
Why don't we do the kitchen then? Why don't we call it-- Damn it.
Device one.
I need, uh-- I'm not getting any sound from the kitchen.
Um, I don't know if we hooked up the HDMI cable.
Do we have one in the car? Do you own an HDMI cable? I don't even know what that is.
That's the cable you want.
HDMI.
Is that your address? - Yeah.
- Great.
And when it comes you're gonna just want to attach it back here.
Connect those two.
You're gonna be all ready to go.
How exciting that you're gonna have something that works in a couple days.
Yeah.
Can't wait.
- Yeah.
- All right.
See you later.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Oh Oh, sorry! Creative Jungle Digital Playground presents Virtual Classroom! Very simple.
It makes a lot of sense.
You don't have to be a dummy to do this.
This goes right here.
So all of the sudden, you've got your regular consumer sound, and all the sudden, it's much better and clearer and you've got all the deep bass sounds and all the treble and you can hear all the pronunciation of everything.
Don't worry about this.
This hangs.
You're fine.
But be careful with it.
The microphone, it's not a toy.
It's not karaoke.
It's professional.
Creative Jungle Virtual Classroom! What are you, um, looking to get out of a voice lesson? What are our-- our goals with this lesson? Dave and I, we're invited to a karaoke party.
Never did a karaoke party before? No, of course, because we're not professional, and there's gonna be an audience there, so we want to give a good performance.
Dave and I don't have a good time unless we're doing something right.
Let's see if we can hit a pitch.
How are you on-- on pitches? hmm, bop - bop - You? - Ugh.
- No? - It's so hard.
- I'm so sorry.
I'm very sorry.
Just, I need a minute.
Okay.
bop bop This is very stressful for me.
- It is, well-- - I'm out of my element.
- What's wrong? - Time out for a minute.
Because this is very stressful because you know all the musical lingo.
This is new to me.
It-- you're-- you're-- you're doing it.
This is just stressful, because I-- I don't even know where to start, and we got this thing in a week.
I'm doing my very best.
- I-- You're-- you're doing fine.
- Don't cry.
- Are you gonna cry? - I'm not gonna cry.
It's just that you're used to this; this is brand-new to me.
- That's perfect, that's-- - bop - Oh! Oh! - bah - bah - Oh! bah ah, ah bah I like that.
We want all those sounds.
bah! Oh, there's nothing wrong with that.
I like what you're doing.
Dave, you're doing good! - I like what you're doing.
- bah Wow.
Wow.
yah, yah, yah, yah yah, yah, yah, yah, yah yah, yah, yah, yah, yah, yah, yah, yah, yah Do you have a certificate? She's almost graduating.
You're-- There's no certificate that we're ever-- She's jumped ahead of me in class, and I'm left behind like a-- You're not in competition with each other.
There's no ahead.
I think we're doing very well.
Enjoy your breathing for a moment.
Let's not talk.
Let's just breathe.
Is there a song that you want to work on? Or have you-- What is it? Oh.
You Can Call Me Al by Paul Simon.
And what about the music or the, um, it makes you want to do it? I think the audience will give us a standing ovation.
I think we're gonna win.
if you'll be my bodyguard I can be your long lost pal You know, I like this little hook.
bone digger, bone digger bone digger, bone digger I can call you Betty Betty when you call me you can call me Al call me Al yeah, yeah, yeah yeah, yeah, yeah! Fan-- fantastic! - Dave! - I like that.
- It's really-- - No, that choked me up.
I didn't-- That's beautiful, honey.
I loved it.
Do you have a certificate that says that-- Do you want a certificate? I'll give you a certificate.
Thank you.
Oh, this must be the cable.
Sorry we missed you, item is at post office.
Excuse me, uh, is this the line for packages? Uh, I don't know.
Just go get a form, bring it back, and I'll help you with that, and then you'll have to fill out all of that.
Okay? Oh.
Excuse me.
- Oh.
- Oh.
Hi.
Uh, wanted to get this package.
We're not open for that yet.
If there's any way you could just go back there or just-- I'd appreciate it.
I'm locked out.
I'm sorry.
Okay.
Um Well If you're just dropping off, I can help you around the corner.
Excuse me.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
So, um, I just wanted to get this package.
Is there somebody who works here who's back there to-- Go to the line.
Okay.
Don't-- You don't have to-- - I'm closed, honey.
Oh.
Okay.
Do you have, uh, special envelopes-- - Elsa! - Yep.
Kidding me? Did I tell you Curt showed up last night at my house? What's taking so long? How many-- how many days does the passport take? Sh-- I'm just gonna start filling it out.
Come on.
So do I just fill this out here or Oh! Uh! Oh! Oh, my gosh! This is it! We're not open yet.
Let go of me! - Help me! - Just-- I just-- Let go of me! Uh! Just-- just kill me, please.
Hey, honey.
The cable guy's coming today.
Can you let him in? But this is my work area.
I'm working from home.
So if he knocks on the door, you may or may not let him in.
Can you come back home for the time that he comes here and let him in? I'm not gonna leave my job and come home.
You-- you are here.
You work-- - I can't leave my job and go up to the door.
I'm sorry, but I got to go.
Thank you for letting him in.
The day of the worker who works from home is here.
We need to unionize.
We have the right to work at home in peace without interruptions! - Hear, hear.
- Yes.
Having a work meeting! Go away.
First on the agenda-- Yes.
Hi, I'm here to install cable for a Barbara Norris.
Unbelievable.
Where, uh-- Do you know where the cable box is? Living room.
The living room.
I'm working, so Now, we got to talk about hours.
I'm thinking 11:00 to 4:00.
What are you thinking? I like to get in-- I know it sounds crazy, but a five-hour workday.
Show of hands.
Did you want Cinemax? I don't know.
What did my wife say? She didn't specify.
Yes, please.
- Just leave us in peace.
- Okay.
Appreciate it.
If anyone crosses our path, we've got to strike.
I agree.
We don't work if we're interrupted.
I need a longer coax cable.
He needed a what? A coaxial cable.
It's the kind that's like a black cable-- - I know exactly what it is.
We've got to be strong.
We set these parameters.
I got it.
Got it.
Are we done with that? We're being attacked by a populous that doesn't understand that what we're doing is legitimate work.
And we've got to delineate what that looks like, what a work time looks like, and-- - Um, I got to use the restroom.
- Hey, pal.
Use the kitchen one, which is back there.
All right.
Thank you.
What if I was a surgeon working with my hands with a patient? They just don't get it.
My home is my office.
To interrupt is lawless.
My home is my office! To interrupt is lawless! My home is my office! - To interrupt is lawless! - Excuse me.
Excuse me.
All right.
That was easy.
Huh.
Ugh! No, not light.
God.
I'm e-mailing these idiots.
Just turn off! Why won't you just turn off? What is this? Whoa! What are you guys doing here? Uh, we got your e-mail.
Yeah, we pride ourselves on really quick customer service.
Well, can you do anything? What's the original remote for this? Oh! Why would you change the settings on the remote? - I didn't change anything.
- Who bolted this? I don't know.
This was supposed to simplify everything, and it's made it much more complicated! Why are you watching TV so late? Well, can you just turn it off? Okay.
Let's go to the mainframe.
- All right.
Let's go.
- Okay.
We got this.
Okay.
- All right.
- All right.
Input one.
Hold on.
Hold on.
Slow down.
- Line two.
- Did you disconnect something? - Uh, no! No! - Did you disconnect something? Can you stop yelling in my ear, please?? - What is-- - Answer the door! Jesus.
Okay.
Uh, exit.
Exit.
Oh, my God! You left this at the post office.
You left this at the post office.
Uh! - Off.
- Off.
Look, I just want the same music system as my sister! - And look! - That doesn't do anything.
You need this.
Oh, your sister has a shoe speaker? Hold on.
It's off.
Oh.
Okay.
You know, I think I might need you guys to be here, like, 24-7.
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
- How'd you sleep? - Pretty good.
Want some morning music? Yeah, that'd be great.
Something soft, maybe.
Great.
Well, you didn't-- I got to go check something in the basement.
The guest room gets really cold, huh? there's a house in New Orleans they call The Rising Sun - It's not bad.
- Nope.
Not totally professional, but not bad.
We should warm up a little, Dave.
Okay.
Al, Al, Al.
Beer belly! Beer belly! Uh, ah-ah-ah! - Bone digger.
- Hey, everybody! Do we say something when we get up there? Yeah, we'll just greet everybody, and also, you have to look kind of humble.
You know, just kind of like beneath The Rising Sun And that was the birthday girl! Good job! That was great! - Whoo! - We loved it.
Next up, we have a duo.
Eddy and Christine, come on up to the stage.
Oh.
We're probably next.
Go get 'em! Oh, my God! - What are they doing? - It's our song.
Is that allowed? Is this allowed? - This is our song.
- We chose this first.
This is our song.
Don't listen.
man walks down the street he says why am I soft in the middle now why am I soft in the middle now the rest of my life is so hard I mean, they're not even singing from their diaphragm.
Hey, Linda, I just want you to know, this was our song.
They stole, okay? That's song-lifting.
You don't do that.
bone digger, bone digger - Damn it! - We have to find another song.
- Dave.
- Just pick something else.
Stop! Calm down.
Calm down! beer belly, beer belly Ugly Kid Joe? Do-- do we know Ugly Kid Joe? - No.
- Jimi Hendrix? You know all the lyrics? No, but he plays guitar.
We could just do the guitar part.
- Bam! - That was Eddy and Christine.
- Hey, man, that wasn't cool.
- That was our song.
That was our song.
We picked it.
- Thank you.
- "Thank you"? Next up, we have another duo, Kath and Dave.
- I'm not going.
- We have to go.
- I'm not going.
- This is our turn.
I don't want to back down.
Come on, let's find something.
Yeah, they're calling your names! Give us a minute! I mean, Dave, is there any song-- is there any song we know all the lyrics to? Kath and Dave, come on.
Meet you up here on the stage.
I got it.
Okay, and it looks like just Dave is making his way to the stage.
Now let's hear it.
Here's a song you might recognize.
Hope you like it.
oh, say can you see by the dawn's early light what so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight o'er the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming Yeah! Proud of you! Kath.
Together.
I only want to do this music with you.
- and - gave proof Dave, you're my number one man.
You have a beautiful, beautiful voice.
It only makes me love you more.
oh say does that star spangled banner yet wave o'er the land of the free and the home of the my Dave Those are my students! Happy birthday, Linda.