Reno 911! (2003) s05e09 Episode Script

All right.
Very good.
Now turn around for me.
You may or may not know that the prostitution In this part of Nevada is completely legal.
Brothels are regulated by the state.
The municipal government makes sure That they're inspected for quality and hygiene.
Deep breath for me.
Very good.
Need you to bend over and touch your toes for me.
I'm not the one who does the inspection, But these girls don't know that.
All right.
That checks out pretty good.
Freeze! Get on the ground! [gunshot.]
[machine-gun fire.]
All right.
The tornado Hell, no! We won't blow! Yeah! He's my friend.
Nah! mtv networks Captioned by the national captioning Dangle: Good morning, gang.
Morning.
Morning.
Morning.
The new terrorism early warning checklist is out.
Did everybody get one of these? [popping.]
Question.
Sir.
When we're on orange - a little louder.
When we're on orange, We're supposed to be alert and vigilant.
Does that mean that when we're yellow, We're not supposed to be alert at all? Orange? What did he say? He said, when we're at homeland security level orange- Wiegel: We're at homeland security level orange right now? No.
We're not.
We're not.
[popping.]
Other things you should be looking for Are fraud, counterfeiting, internet scams.
A lot of this money - [popping.]
Ok.
You know what? I've had it.
That's it.
The popcorn machine was a terrible idea.
I wish we'd never gotten it.
Have you tried the popcorn? I have not tried the popcorn.
I'm not gonna try the popcorn.
Johnson: We're listening.
There's frogs, and there's oranges.
Then no one is listening.
By the way, Jackie Dimartino, The prostitute who used to work fourth street- Did you hear? Jones: No.
What happened? Hospitalized in critical condition, Fading fast.
Sir? We're almost out of popcorn.
I'm really, really seriously considering Banning the popcorn machine from the briefing room.
If you take this popcorn machine away from here Huh? What will you do? I'll be forced to do things.
Like what? This is the one joy I have around here.
Garcia: Amen.
Found some more popcorn.
[all cheering.]
I figure, if they call it super man xl, That's gonna make you some xl, right? This shit, it's like, I don't know what it is.
It doesn't do shit.
Oh What the fuck? Pat me down right now, for real.
Pat me down right now.
No.
For real, do this, man.
What? Pat me down.
You got to do it, man.
There's something about this I don't like.
Sir, step away from the car.
Ok.
Step- No, no, no.
Put your hands down.
Ok.
I'm gonna take my hands out of my pockets right- Real, real, real, slow! Ok.
Real slow, all right? Ok? Y'all understand? Ok.
Now look here.
Now, I wanted to ask you both a question, all right, About the contents of my pockets, ok? Our first question was gonna be, Do you have any illicit substances on you, so- All of a sudden, this is like "jeopardy," Where the question gets put to us and then we have- What the hell? Set those down.
Put these down.
Just set them on down.
Should I put my hands back in my pocket? No.
This time now, let's keep them up at our sides.
Ok.
Let me just set up a scenario for y'all, ok? Like a scene, a setting, an example.
He's gonna tell us something.
Yes.
A gentleman was careening down the street, ok, and bumped into me.
Moving very quickly.
Now listen,man.
I don't know if y'all believe in god, But I believe in god, ok, And I'm gonna tell you what happened.
Every one of them bottles have float up into the air, And they have float into my pockets, And that was god knowing I was feeling a little down, A little blue last week, ok? And he provided you with 5 Oxycontin bottles.
So, the lord Provided for me.
Hey, you want to throw those out for me? Ok.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That'd be great.
That'd be great.
Thanks.
I'll take a half, too.
Oh, you want half? Oh, you took a whole one? How much you supposed to take? Half.
Oh.
I'll drive.
I'll drive.
I'd be more than happy to drive.
You're good.
You're good.
Dangle: Polygraph day! [all cheer.]
Garcia: I have a question in response to a rumor.
Is it true that you're strong enough To peel fruit with your private parts? Yes.
Williams: How do you do that? I'm confused and aroused and- And yet you're working in law enforcement.
I don't get it.
There are exercises a woman can do.
Are there workout tapes for those exercises? Not that I know of.
Shit.
That's not true.
That's not true.
There are.
It's called kegels.
Kegel won't peel a kiwi.
It's not a kegel.
It's like a variation on a kegel.
It's not a kegel.
It's a back-door kegel? Back-door kegels? That's not what it's called.
Well, what is it? Which door are we talking about? Yeah.
Which door are we talking about? What part of the door do you use to- What part of the fruit do you use? The inner door.
I don't think there's even a kitchen appliance that peels a kiwi.
Ok.
Turn it off.
Go get a kiwi.
[siren.]
[knocks.]
Hello? Jackie: Hey, guys.
How are you, sweetheart? Oh, just, you know.
I can't really remember why I'm in here.
Did I just have a baby? No You didn't.
I don't think so, Jackie.
Oh, that's right.
I'm dying from lupus.
That's right.
I am so glad you guys came.
We are very happy that we came, too.
You know what? I'm gonna call in an apb on account of this.
You know what? You can.
All cars! Calling all fucking cars.
This is Jackie, and I'm gonna be dead In about 45 minutes, And if you want to come over here And get your dick sucked for a nickel, Hell, I'll do it.
Oh, I'm gonna miss these lips when I'm in hell.
No.
You're going the other way.
You are.
You are.
The lord loves you Yes.
He does.
And your scabs will be gone Oh, there are no scabs in heaven.
Jesus doesn't even let you have scabs there.
Your crotch is gonna be all clean.
My crotch will be healed by the lord.
Yes.
It will.
It will be, hopefully, healed closed So I don't have to have Any more fucking abortions Because they cost a fortune.
Yeah.
Junior: Room 234! Hey! I heard that they were- Jones: Hey.
Oh, this Jackie.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You want to get your dick sucked? Don't act like I haven't been there before.
Arr arr arr arr arr! Hi.
I'm from the Reno sheriff's department.
Our friends at the Washoe county animal shelter Have lots of pets that are ready and available for adoption.
Ah.
This here is sarsaparilla, And she's a 3-year-old tabby With lots of love and tons of energy.
Is this - man: Cat is in the box.
That's sarsaparilla? What the fuck? What's with the rat? They're all over the place.
I just picked up a rat? Oh, fuck! Aw! Ew! Ew! Ew! Dangle: Uh What do you consider Your job skills to be? [sighs.]
Skating Yep.
That's good.
High-fiving Skating and high-fiving.
Low-fiving Low five, the antithesis of high five, And? And singing.
Singing.
So, terry, what you're basically saying Is, you could be in "Starlight Express" If they ever, ever are bold enough to mount it again.
Yes.
Yes.
Possible "Starlight Express" understudy.
You're off drugs now? You're totally clean? I'm so clean, it's not even ridiculous.
Not even ridiculous.
Not even ridiculous.
Here's the thing.
I find that eerily a little bit disappointing Because if you're not on drugs- If this is you totally, totally clean- And you've missed And you're working at who let the clogs out?, That's kind of disappointing, don't you think? First of all, I was voted the smartest at my family reunion, Like, hands down.
By the rest of your family? You can't put up two fingers for the same thing.
You can't say you're smartest at your family reunion, hands down.
That's one thing.
That's one thing.
I was voted smartest in my family reunion, That's one.
Hands down.
No.
That's part of the same sentence.
You're saying two parts of the same sentence- Part one of the sentence, End of the sentence.
Those aren't two things.
Is it time for my enema? Not quite.
Ok.
You got some guests here, if you're feeling up to it.
Oh, hi! Hey, jackie.
Look who the cat has been to.
They've got me on so much fucking morphine here.
Junior: There's oxygen in the- Yeah.
I don't think that's a good- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Oh, ok.
Oh, because why, on account of the lung cancer? If it's not the AIDS that's gonna get me, It's the lung cancer.
That's what they say.
I don't think I'm long for this world.
Does she do this a lot? Only in the mornings, But I think she's fine.
She's just calming down.
I don't think this is calming down.
I think this is it.
I think I've had it.
I'd like to say thank you to everyone for coming.
Off the record, obviously.
Yes.
Of course.
Jackie: I would like to thank Will Ferrell, for some reason.
If you were to leave, what button If somebody were to come in here And turn that machine off, what button would they push? Hitler's youth, the youth that Listen.
She's thanking the Hitler youth behind us.
Right.
Good point.
Hamster dances Her last words were "hamster dances.
" [sighs.]
Man, if you wiped away this makeup, She's a lot younger than she looks With the weird, kind of bloody, pusy eye patch on.
She's so beautiful and so young.
It really is a tragedy.
Yeah.
What a tragedy.
[hisses.]
aah! Aah! You unplugged the wrong cord, you mother fucker.
Ha ha ha! Junior: Hi.
How you doing? You're in our custody.
You're in our custody.
The Reno sheriff's department has become A safe baby surrender site, Which means that you can drop off your baby here, No questions asked, and it will safely be taken Into the custody of the state, Handed over to child services.
Anybody know how to get him out of this thing If he has to make a deuce or something? Does he have to? Seems fine to me.
I mean, he doesn't have to actually leave.
I mean, he'd just do it.
He's all in there.
Hey.
That'd freak me out.
Why would he like if you ate his- Hey, guys? Oh.
Hey.
Why don't I get on the phone to child services And see if they can get child services To get their asses over here? Now that we have two.
Oh, we got a wet one.
We got a wet one.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Uh-oh.
Two more.
This isn't cool, man.
Shh, it's ok.
It's ok.
No, no, no.
You're gonna help us out here.
We need a little back-up.
No mine.
No mine.
Dangle: Is there anyone out there in processing With baby experience of any kind? Mine is suckling here, Jim.
Dangle: If he's suckling, he quiet.
That's fine.
I don't care if he's suckling.
I usually charge more for this shit.
Garcia: Oh, dear lord.
Dangle: We're out of prostitutes? It's Tuesday night, boss.
You got it.
Got one.
Got room for 4 more on this one.
Es aqui.
Es aqui.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Hey, hey, hey! How is the baby with a gun? How's the baby with a gun? Hi, hi, hi, hi.
Is there no age limit? What is the cutoff? We're not gonna start getting 18-year-olds, are we? [siren.]
Hola.
Mi lamo Travis Junior, Ayudante del sheriff del departmento Reno agulacil.
Les pido que no usan los letreros de la keratera Para practica del tiro, Y es su dinero qui reparen esto letreros.
ÿpor que no usan practica esta trio? Jones: ♪ comin' for to carry me home ♪ [door buzzes.]
[babies crying.]
Oh! My god! Muchos ninos que nosotros no queremos tener.
You know what? I have an idea.
[babies crying.]
Junior: Holy shit.
Sir? Dangle: Oh my god, sir? Sir, hold on.
Oh, man.
I feel like I'm moving my legs rapidly.
Do you see them moving? Let's take a look.
You know that He's separated completely from his legs.
If we move this car, he's dead.
This is so ironic, this right here.
I was just with some friends.
We were watching dvds, And I got into rather a heated argument About m.
Night Shyamalan and the movie "signs," You know, when the wife is dying, She's been hit by the car, And I really thought that was the moment When he started to kind of go downhill And led, inevitably, To the sort of postmodern dissonance Of "Lady in the water.
" We were just having that same conversation on the way here.
You know what one was his good one? I liked "the village.
" Look, guys.
There were monsters in that.
I was like, "are there really monsters?" But then there weren't really monsters.
But what if that happened? That could happen.
No.
It couldn't happen.
You want a twist ending, You want Nicolas Roeg's "Don't look now.
" Is that the one with the talking babies? And Bruce Willis.
That guy from "Perfect" has a baby, and the baby talks.
"perfect"? How about the guy from "Saturday Night Fever" Or "Pulp Fiction"? "Perfect"? Who are you talking about? John Travolta.
From "Perfect.
" It was great because, like, they were trying to dance, But they knew they could never be perfect.
You guys are police.
You obviously must have seen Antonioni's "L'avventura," The missing girl, The disconnected- from-reality circle of rich friends.
She goes missing.
They never find her.
What was the one with the little two mice Who go find that little girl down in the bayou? That's "the rescuers.
" Yeah! Yeah! It was horrible.
That was the valley of the Disney animation regime.
That was during the time of "Pete's dragon" And "bedknobs and broomsticks.
" I hated them boys who were trying to get Pete's dragon.
They were gonna make him into a suit.
Awful! Oh, please get the emts here.
Oh, you guys are just bereft of any kind of culture And any kind of knowledge of the world of cinema.
Hey, Joe- What's that over there? Hey, Joe, what's that over there? No.
You know that technically - [slam.]
His legs are about We actually hit him.
We bumped over him on the way in.
That guy was very in touch with his inner asshole, Considering his asshole was about 10 feet that way.
Hey, Jackie.
Jackie: Oh, hey.
You guys didn't come to visit.
Yeah.
Yeah.
We did.
Oh, hey, they're flowers For smelling, huh? Thank you.
Jackie, we collectively got together And prepared this note.
"dear Jackie " dear Jackie "we are so sorry you are in the hospital "about to die.
"hope you die soon and pain-free.
"sincerely from all of us The Reno sheriff's department.
" Listen.
Shut the fuck up.
Now, little miss this one, This is something that I think You will not only appreciate.
It was my grandmother's And my grandmother's before hers, And now it is mine, And now I am giving it, passing it on down to you, And I think you could probably get some use out of it.
It's perfectly good.
I think just a little crazy glue, And you're good to go, sister.
I'm not touching that.
Jackie, are you having a hard time dying? What do you mean, a hard time dying? Now I want you to close your eye Ok.
It's closed.
And visualize yourself on a trampoline.
Is this like a vision quest? Because I fell for this once before, And I woke up with crabs.
I just want to help you into the next life Ok! I'm thinking about a trampoline.
Thinking about a trampoline, and you're going up, And you're going down, And you're going up and down, And then you jump off And over the fence, and you're done.
Oh, I'm gonna puke.
Oh, crap.
Oh, god.
I didn't even know if that would work.
I just read it in "Reader's Digest.
" [siren.]
[siren.]
I got yet another jumper Out on the Old Sparks bridge.
"life is worth living.
Life is worth living.
Don't do it.
Don't do it.
Life is worth living.
" Sir, life is worth living.
Don't do it, really.
Please don't do it.
Please don't do it.
It's really, really far down.
You do not want to do it.
Trust me, sir.
Yeah.
I think you're right about that.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You don't want to do it, trust me.
I'm just so tired.
I know.
Oh, bro, trust me.
I've been there.
You know, I could be in some other house with some other job.
Man, that'd be, like, the bomb, you know? That'd be the greatest.
So, you know, you got to look at it like that.
You got to look at it like tabula rosa.
Can I get a light? Oh, here you go.
Oh, shit! Oh, fuck, shit.
Fuck it! If you understand that Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life, Wiggle your foot.
Hi, Jackie.
It's Trudy.
Hi.
You look terrific.
Oh, trudy.
High five.
Great.
Ok.
That's enough, honey.
When we were in the fourth grade Yes? I really appreciate what you did for me When you told uncle Mel that it was you Who put the cigarette butts in his beer And you took the fall for me.
I don't know what to say about that.
It's all good.
God bless you.
You took the beating of your life.
You took the beating of your life for me, Jackie.
I'll never forget it.
God bless you.
Get your tongue out of my ear.
Get your tongue out of my ear.
Ok.
Ok.
Ok.
Ok.
Don't touch.
No.
Too much touching.
Ok.
She's going to hell.
She's definitely going to hell.
[farts.]
[flatline.]
mtv networks This was a diamond necklace Given to me by Knackie Onassis herself.
Knackie Onassis? Jackie Onassis herself! She was once the queen! Now listen.
She was the queen of style.
She was the queen of music.
She was the queen of the scene.
Don't even get me started on Jackie Onassis.
So, these are for you.
I hope you like them.
Don't sell them because I will find you in the afterlife And haunt the shit out of you.