Rick and Morty (2013) s05e09 Episode Script

1
It came as a shock to many
but with the power vacuum left
by the heartless consumption
of our dictator,
we shall impose even more
Draconian cookie law,
one be-cookieing at a time!
Hah!
Oh, thank you! They
took power immediately
after you and your grandpa left.
Err, sorry about that, Rick doesn't
really do 'transition plans,'
- I-I think he was just hungry.
- Well, now with you here,
perhaps a new system of government?
- King Morty
- Sorry, look, I gotta run,
I-I'm sure you guys'll figure it out,
I-I believe in you!
Morty! Can you help us
with this UFO-shaped hole?
Sure, geez, but, y'know, only
because I was in the neighborhood.
[SCREAMING]
Morty, thank God!
The beast emerged right
after your grandpa left
and its gem went missing
Geez, that is a crazy coincidence
that I-I if I were you,
probably just best left alone.
He's right. We-We should celebrate.
- Feast?
- No time.
S-S-Sounds pretty classic though,
don't let me hold you up!
[GASPS]
Son of a bitch. He marked it.
- Ah!
-
Phew.
Hah.
What the
[GRUNTING]
- Hey, what the hell?
- Agh! Jesus!
You got some of that green
stuff on you too, huh?
Th-Th-This is bad.
Th-This is really bad.
Hey, how do you think I feel?
I had the ultimate stash hole
and now I got a kid in my thigh.
♪
♪
♪
♪
Look, you seem like a perfectly
nice guy in my hand hole,
but if I can't sort
this out, I'm dead
What the hell, dude? Gross.
- I-I-I was just trying to
- You're just trying to what?
Where'd this stuff come from?
Garbage Goober, get out
here and eat this garbage.
Mmm, trash, I love trash, yum yum trash,
- I wanna eat trash
- Hell yeah, I love that lil guy.
Wait a minute.
Is that Mountain Dew in my
quantum transport solution?
I-I saw you were marking the levels
- so I-I had to top it off.
- "Top it off?"
Do you know how dangerously
toxic this stuff is?
And you added it to my portal fluid?!
Only because you don't trust me!
Oh, that's great logic, Morty
forgive me for not doing
the kissy chef gesture
since you probably spilled
this shit everywhere
and I don't want to teleport my lips.
I did I did not spill it!
I won't take your word for
that and I shouldn't have to,
which is why I have sidekick rules.
If you can't follow them
I can be replaced, yeah,
yeah, so you keep telling me.
Excuse me? Did you just
try to call my bluff?
Have you ever seen me bluff?
Fine. You know what, replace me!
Replace me, Rick! Just do it.
Good luck finding someone that
can be told 80 thousand times
how replaceable they are!
Okay. I'll see your bluff
call and raise you reality.
I can't pretend I haven't been
looking forward to this.
Behold my Wheel of Better
Things Than Morty.
Wh-What are you eight?
I-Is this macaroni art?
You expect me to believe you built this
because you don't care?
No, I built this because I
don't expect shit from you.
Come on, anything!
Anything but Morty, let's go!
Come on baby, no whammies!
Duh-duh-duh-duh stop! Okay, that's it.
- Two crows. You're fired!
- You know what? Eat shit.
You're just trying to make
me feel worthless.
I never said you're worthless.
In fact, I've given you a very
clear metric of your worth:
Two crows.
Note I didn't say three!
Man, that is not a healthy relationship.
I hope you don't mind me eavesdropping.
Maybe we can figure out some sort
of sound-proof bandage solution.
Hey, did Garbage Goober
eat my porno magazines?
So, were you like, a friend of Rick's?
- Were you?
- Good question.
W-What's he doing, i-is
he out there making sure
you see him collecting two crows?
And now you're thinking, gee,
maybe if he cares enough
to hurt me this bad
dot dot dot.
Break the cycle, Morty.
Change the things that you can change.
That's what I did. And now I'm free.
Only cramming six years
into six minutes, fellas.
Take your time!
Now that's what I'm talking about!
If ya nail this next one,
I've got bird quaaludes.
And I might even share.
Y-You know you can stop
doing that for my benefit.
Y'know, or-or keep doing it.
Doesn't matter. I'm out.
- I'm walking away.
- Wait. Morty. Don't go.
Not until you see this!
Commence bird on a wire!
Yeeeeaaaahhhhh!
[GROANS LOUDLY] Jerk.
Hey, let's hang out.
We're like brothers now,
we both got away, y'know,
w-where are you at?
Ooh, you know what, shoot, can't.
I'm an alien, um, so
That's okay, Rick turned
my bike into a spaceship
for "solo adventures" like picking
up his Venusian foot ointment.
God, I'm seeing it so clearly now.
[SWITCH CLICKS, WHIRRING, WARBLING]
Oh. Wait. I-It says
here you're on Earth.
Yeah. Ah. Don't come here.
Why not? Look, I-I get it, my
room is sometimes messy too,
I'll-I'll pick you up
right outside your
- mental asylum.
- Busted.
You literally said "I'm free."
I'm literally not free.
Stop! That's my blanket!
How do you know Rick?
Look, I came to your
place with him one night
after the bar closed.
I started messing around in your garage
and I spilled that portal stuff on me
and he kind of launched
me to Australia
like with this weirdly
primitive catapult, but
But the ammunition is an
airtight carbon chamber,
yeah, that-that that's
how we lost our cable guy.
Anyways, that kind of
experience shakes you up.
So, sorry I misled
you, have a nice life.
Nick. You got a visitor.
Damn, what happened to you?
The guards like to beat us on Sundays.
- Still better than Mondays.
- Geez, what happens then?
They lick our faces
when we're tied down.
- Plus it's meat loaf day.
- Well
- you're leaving now, buddy.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
I-I swiped 'em off the
guard on my way in.
I-I mean, sure, yeah, I could
undo my lock, but then what?
After the smartest guy in
the world's done with ya,
it's kinda hard to find a footing again.
That's why I need to
get you out of here.
We're not the problem, he is.
And if you can have a fresh
start, then maybe I can too.
It's not like it's a prison break.
We're just leaving, like, a hospital
that wants to help you extra bad.
Follow me!
Hey, get back here, you
better open this door!
- I can fly!
- Keep running, Nick.
The more you sweat,
the saltier your cheeks.
- Lick this!
- Thanks, Morty.
That dude's got a tongue like a cat.
Stop those Portal Boys!
Did you hear that? That's gonna stick!
- [GROANS]
- Damn. Just like Jackie Chan!
Hah! I guess that makes me Chris Tucker.
I-I guess?
- [SHOCKS]
- [GROANS]
Gonna get you!
[GROWLS]
- [GAGS]
- [MOANS]
Holy shit! Did you see that?
I mean, you blinded a guy with puke!
Oh, it was insane.
- Gimme dap.
- Am I doing it right?
D-D-Did I give you a dap yet?
Look at us. We got out.
And not just from the
asylum but from Rick.
You get to say what an adventure is now.
- You still got that list?
- Dude, we can't do that stuff
without Rick's tech.
Then it's time the Portal Boys
get themselves a portal gun.
Remember your training, crows.
The idol should be around that corner!
[VOCALIZING]
[CROWS CAW]
Do you guys just follow training
when you feel like it?
That's not being trained,
that's being dicks.
[CAWS]
Ah, now I see.
The real treasure is empathy.
And that's worth way more
than any knick-knack.
You guys just earned yourselves
another adventure!
The adventure is, you're fired.
Sorry, guys, if I wanted
another bleeding heart,
I'd inject reanimator serum
into an actual bleeding heart.
Relax, this is an avian planet
with 40 million species of bird,
even one day of working under me
will make you apex geniuses down there.
Now hop into these pneumatic canisters
they used to use at bank
drive-thrus in the '70s.
- [AIR HISSES]
- [PEW, PEW]
[SIGHS]
♪
What the Hey! Who's
tractor beaming me?!
- Nobody tractor beams me
-
Nobody descrambles my tractor
beam scrambler to boot.
Sorry for the tractor beaming,
but did you lose these two crows?
Oh, uh, yeah, no, I-I dropped 'em off
'cause I-I can't hold a candle to them.
Y'know, it s-seemed like
a the decent thing to do.
Be your crows. Train yourself.
Crows are then trained.
I'm open to what you're describing
if it's easier than wiping an unearned
smirk off my grandson's face.
- W-What do I do?
- Look at your crows.
Be your crows.
God I am so glad I'm a primate.
Fine. Looking at my crows.
We train ourselves to stop training.
The trained are untrained,
we are untrained.
All training is complete.
Because no training was needed.
♪
♪
My God. I-I get it, now.
We are gonna shove this crow
shit down Morty's throat!
Nick, m-maybe this isn't a good idea.
L-Like what if he catches us?
He could trap me in a Matrix again.
Listen to yourself.
We wouldn't even be in this situation
if the dude hadn't fucked us both over.
Damn it. He must be showing the gun off
to his stupid crows i-it's not fair!
It's okay, we can still liberate
all this other stuff.
Let's only grab what we need, though.
Oh, no. Shit. That's Rick's can crusher!
H-He spent three weeks perfecting that.
Morty, buddy, you forget
that we're in this together.
Besides, tell me that didn't
feel the slightest bit good.
I mean, yeah, but w-we
can't do that again.
Why the hell not?
Whoa!
Haha!
- Haha!
- Here we go, bitch!
Son, have you fallen in
with a weird stranger
and are now trashing
your grandpa's place?
'Cause I'll help!
Dad? Psh, whatever, man.
- Ah. Yeah!
- Yeah! Now eat my ass, Rick!
Suck it, Sanchez!
Morty, is that what I think it is?
I mean, it's the equivalent of
an iPhone 3 and it's empty,
but it means the Portal
Boys be portal-ing!
[ROBOTIC VOICE] Rick incoming.
Oh, crap, we better skedaddle!
[BABBLING] Moooooorty.
But what about my dad,
he-he's like a-a puddle.
You heard the garage, Rick'll
turn him back into a solid
- when he gets here!
- Sorry, Dad, gotta go be heroes.
G-Gonna take your car, love you!
That's us down there
with the poop brown roof.
[WAH, WAH, WAH]
- What is that?
- Oh. Ha. That?
T-That's nothing.
But I see "Two Crows"
written right here beside
Gene with donkey brains,
half a Paul Giamatti,
and sentient shit.
I guess the "joke" being
that crows are stupid?
I think it's a little more
nuanced than that.
Right, because you just learned
empathy from us 10 minutes ago,
but now we're going to learn
we don't get your humor?
Fucking horse shit.
Yeah, there's not a
ton to "get," genius,
the "joke" is your grandson
was so replaceable
that "even" two crows could do it.
Haha. It's funny except it's not.
Right, well, to be honest,
that is how I felt at the time.
But I've-I've rounded a corner.
I seriously have, you guys.
Well, now it's time to round
the corner of death!
Let the crow-volution begin.
Aah!
Aw, that sound. What have you done?
Turned crows against dozens of
humans in a 300 meter radius.
JERRY: Heeeelllllp pleaseee
Oh, now you beg for help?
- That wasn't me.
- What do you mean?
Dooooown here.
Jerry, what the fuck?
Why are you a puddle?
You don't deserve these!
- Haha.
- Genius.
- Caaatch you at a baaad time?
- Yeah, Jerry.
They took my goddamn crows!
Not now, Garbage Goober!
Get back in your hole!
Hohoho, our first adventure!
This definitely the place?
Yeah, Rick's been ripping
these guys off for years,
- they'll-they'll be really
- [DISTANT YELL]
uh, grateful.
- Y'know, there
- Let's just get that fluid, bud.
The Portal Boys are about
to be in portal business!
Here he is.
This rat was skimming
your crystal harvest
and sending it to a spaceman
named Rick Sanchez.
- Bastard!
- Screw Rick! Kick his dick!
Yeah, right?! But me and Nick
here, we-we put a stop to that.
The people of Kuntak thank you.
He's a bad guy, right?
Y-You're gonna bring him to justice?
Yeah, of course.
Uh, okay, p-pleasure doing business!
Not so fast, Morty.
We're not leaving until
we get what we came for.
- Funny, I'm prepared to.
- So, hey, look,
wh-what we want is portal fluid.
As our thanks.
Portal fluid?
You think I'd live in a lizard
mine if I had portal fluid?
Right, okay, or we could
just kill you for it.
He's kidding.
He's t-the Portal Boys
only kill with kindness.
And with guns.
Oh, no. Oh, no. I-I'm
not the one shooting!
- Kill them!
- I'm sorry.
Stop! Stop! They're unarmed!
Ahh! What the fuck?! Morty! Morty!
♪
Cool place ya got here. Very
Dark Crystal meets Hot Topic.
Now where are my damn crows?
♪
- [CROW ALARM BLARES]
- Seriously?
Is there anything not on theme here?
♪
Even now your primate storms our
ship to assert his dominance.
Touch the sacred egg and ascend.
No longer shall you take
orders from this beast.
But taking orders from you i-is fine?
Silence, Ape!
C'mon, if you think my crows are
gonna leave the great thing we have
for whatever high
fantasy bullshit this is?
You 're wrong. R-Right, guys?
Th-This is seriously a toss-up.
[PHONE RINGS]
Uh someone wanna get that?
Oh. It's me, isn't it? Woof.
Lemme just make sure it's
not an emergency Yello.
Rick, I'm so sorry, I-I messed up big!
Morty? It's okay, y-ya can't
be worse off than me.
I-I got portal splashed, robbed you,
jumped into a rebound with a psycho,
and-and left a trail of dead!
Wow, somebody's been busy.
I-I did it 'cause you hurt my feelings
w-when you chose the two crows!
Jesus, it was a bit, I'm
getting my ass kicked
by this dumb fucking crow
story, it's all gone tits up.
Ha, okay, I-I miss you, man.
Uh, goddamn it, might've
been a bit too frank there.
Yeah gonna have to call ya back.
Ahh!
NICK: Gah! Tiny-handed little brat
You think you can fuck with
me and get away with it?!
- [TIRES SQUEALING]
- Then you don't know Nick.
Busted. You don't get it, do you?
As long as we have these portals,
- you can never escape me.
- What the hell, man.
I-I thought we were both
victims of Rick's abuse.
Maybe we are, maybe we're not.
Maybe we both just drink at the same bar
and maybe one night I tried
to take his portal gun.
See I thought Rick was my
ticket to something special,
but it turns out you were, Morty.
And look at me now I'm a Portal Boy.
That name sucks! I was
just trying to yes-and!
You don't get it, Morty.
We're partners.
Now fall in line or I'll make
your life a living hell.
No thank you.
Pity, I can't have you connected
to me if you're not on my side.
That means I gotta kill you.
The thing is, I already got a partner,
and there's no room for promotions.
[BOTH YELLING]
What the fuck did you just do?
Cut you out of my life.
Ahhh! [GRUNTS]
- [BEEPS]
- [WHOOSH]
See how quickly your allies
abandon you, Rick Sanchez?
Lucky for me, abandonment's
my bread and butter.
Oh, shit. You were supposed to die!
I gotta hand it to you
I was iffy about this one,
but crow tech slaps!
♪
Finish him, you fools!
Go ahead. Do it.
You guys look so rad.
I deserve to go out this way!
CROWS: Bird qua luudes.
Done.
♪
Oh, my God, that was awesome.
Y-You could've killed me back there.
H-How did you guys ever forgive me?
Right, 'cause this toxic
thing I have with Morty
doesn't define us.
Man, crows are empathetic as fuck!
Definitely saving this one!
Rick and two crows!
Oh, my God, Morty.
Here, here, come here,
l-let-let grandpa fix you up,
What do you want, a robot
hand? A lizard hand?
I can make it big again
like that one time?
Just my regular hand!
Right, not a time for bits, I get it.
There ya go, good as new.
So we're like, back-back, right?
Rick and Morty, together again.
- Fu-Full reset?
- No.
No, Morty, I think we're done.
Be-Because I spilled the portal
fluid and didn't tell you?
No, Morty. 'Cause you were
too afraid to tell me.
What we had was abusive. Don't you see?
I'm a bad partner because I
never made you a true partner.
The crows made me see that.
I thought they were a joke like you,
but it turns out they're more
enlightened than any of us.
O-Okay? And-And what's the undercut?
You're not hearing me.
I will never be the same,
so I need to leave with the crows
and see what more they can teach me.
Oh. Oh.
Here, I want you to have this.
Oh, wow I
You know what, Rick?
You really have changed.
Thanks, Morty.
I'll always be your grandpa, Morty.
Just kinda obsessed with crows now.
♪
Every day the sun burns brighter ♪
With you by my side ♪
And that we go on forever ♪
Together you and I ♪
Aww, shit! Rick and two crows!
Kicking off my new franchise!
The galaxy is our telephone wire!
We'll do a thousand seasons,
14 episodes each, 9-9 seconds a pop
because that's the future of viewing
shows on your shoes Sneaki!
That's when you've got
everybody's attention
when they're putting crap on their feet.
That's when they wanna laugh. Cry.
Or feel anything besides a
shoe going on their foot!
Watch sitcoms on your sneakers!
The Rick and Two Crows Show,
we're gonna be layin'
layin' walnuts on the road
for car tires to open em'
you know what I mean?
Forever, it's Rick and
two crows, forever!
♪
Oh, we go on ♪
You by my side ♪
Forever ♪
You and I ♪
We wreaked hell ♪
Every night ♪
Together ♪
You and I ♪
Running on ♪
Borrowed time ♪
Forever ♪
You and I ♪
♪
[GASPS]
Where do you think you're going?
Oh, well, ya know
the-the red light usually
means there's garbage
Did you seriously not talk to Rick yet?
I kinda hinted at it.
L-Look, I know it's not
the job I came here for,
- but it's an honest living.
- Goddamn it, Harold.
What do they call you Garbage Goober?
You are a doctor for God sakes!
Look, I don't know
how I let this happen,
but I-I've let it play out so
long that I can't stop now.
You're a coward.
You're right. This ends here and now.
Garbage Goober, we got
freshy trash trash for ya!
Extra stinky just the way you like it!
Mmm, trash, I love trash
yum yum trash, I wanna eat trash.
MAN: Did you get any of that?