Schitt's Creek (2015) s05e09 Episode Script

(Crow caws, traffic rumbles) (Bat clunks) Is today the baseball day? Today was supposed to be the baseball day, yes.
- The finale? - Championship.
Same thing.
What time did you need me to show up to watch you play the baseball? Well, as of right now, there you might not be anything - for you to watch.
- Oh? Gwen dropped out.
Apparently she has to go see a friend she met on the internet, so we are missing a right fielder.
Can you play both parts? Positions.
And, no.
That's the whole problem.
We will forfeit the game if we can't come up with a ninth player.
Well on the upside, there is an Isabelle Huppert double feature playing at the Elmdale Art House.
David, I can't bail on the game, I just have to find a ninth player.
Okay, well, good luck.
It sounds a bit last minute.
You know, they don't even have to do anything, they pretty much just stand there.
Have you asked Ronnie? Uh, she is on the other team, and I'm pretty sure she hates me after the bathroom incident.
Oh, I forgot about that.
Hey, you know what, David, since you were already planning on being there, maybe-maybe you Absolutely not! - Just two hours of your life.
- No, no, no, no, no, no! - We just need a body! - Then go to the morgue.
I will cover you if any flies come your way.
I have a spray for that.
And you know my stance on team sports.
I do.
Given today's political climate, we don't need to divide ourselves any more - than we already have.
- Correct.
Have I mentioned to you that there will be a barbecue after? I have a couple questions.
How many of the questions are about the barbecue? Most of them.
Like, how soon after the game is the barbecue, and will the players get to eat first, and if so, who's enforcing that rule? - I love you, David.
- Okay.
I - you say that now, but - Mm muah! I don't do well with running.
All right.
Ronnie, I don't know what the big deal is! Nobody's gonna even notice that Stevie's not at the game.
That's not the problem, Roland.
I gotta be honest, sometimes I don't even notice her when she's standing right in front of me.
Roland, the rules say that we can't play if we don't have nine players! And I can't stomach the thought of Patrick's team winning by default; the man looks like a thumb! Ooh, Ronnie! I'm gonna need you to pour a little of that picante sauce on the game today.
Because my bookie, Lorenzo, gave me great odds on us taking this.
There is not going to be a game - if we don't have a full team! - Um, excuse me? I used to play a little ball in my day.
I was the star left fielder from my school team.
You played college ball? No, Hebrew school.
There were seven of us, surprisingly, not a big turn-out, but uh, the Flying Latkes ended up in fourth place.
Johnny, I think some things have changed since played ball, okay? For one thing, the war is over.
Ohhh! Well, excuse me, I thought you were in a bind, and needed a player, but uh, forget it, I'm taking my offer back.
Roland, he's our only option.
No, he's not! Joce has a CPR dummy that we can just throw - out into left field.
- Roland! - We're going with Johnny! - Ah, boy.
Great! And just so you know, I had a pretty strong arm in the outfield.
The Rabbi used to call me "Popeye".
(Door slams) Okay I am gonna give Lorenzo a call, and change my bet.
I'm gonna put everything I got on the other team.
(Sighs heavily) Hi Honey, is your Daddy home? (Car rumbles) This is so exciting! I've never been in a musical before.
Although I did have a cousin who was in "Riverdance" until she got trampled.
Yeah, um, I was one of the original Pussycat Dolls, But I only lasted like, two weeks.
Because apparently, I'm "too pretty".
(Squeals) This is gonna be such a fun day! Woman: Hey, Twyla! What about you, Stevie? I didn't even know that you wanted to be an actor.
- I don't.
- Fine, "artist".
I've been dreading this rehearsal for the past two days.
Okay, as star of the show, you might wanna set like, a different tone for everyone.
I think this is a huge mistake.
You're not wrong.
There has been a lot of confusion as to why I'm not the star of the show, but fair is fair.
You earned it.
- No, I didn't.
I didn't audition.
I don't like attention.
I can't think of anything worse than standing on a stage in front of a room full of people.
Okay, Stevie, I think you just need to chill.
If this is anything like my first day with the Pussycat Dolls, it'll be a couple of hours of Kegels, and then an afternoon of cheeky Bellinis.
It's just a lot of pressure.
Don't even worry about it.
I got your back today, girl.
Just like Nicole Scherzinger did for me.
Willkommen and bienvenue, welcome, you to "Cabaret!" - (Laughs and applauds) - Not now, not yet.
Okay, mhmm.
I'm sure this will come as a shock to all of you, but this production will mark my directorial debut! Mmm - Oh.
(Clapping) - (Cast applauds) Missing cues already.
No, I'm-I'm simply here to inspire.
And instruct, and bring out the very best in you.
And I want to start the day with my lupanarian Kit Kat Girls! We've also included anyone who's requested extra rehearsal time to work on their dance moves.
I just wanna limber up.
There's some pretty tricky footwork, so First, everyone, please, direct your gaze to the beating heart of our show, our Sally Bowles, Miss Stevie - Budd.
- Budd! You're wondering, are we really going to lay this colossal enterprise upon her tiny shoulders? Yes! I'm a 100% confident that you will all soon see what I hope I believe I may be seeing in you, Stevie.
Thank you.
As long as you're up, why don't we jump right in? You can help me lead the first exercise.
Uh, I thought this more of a meet and greet kind of thing.
It's the afternoon upon which your bodies will meet and greet - the boards.
- (Groans) Okay, this is called "Monster on my Back.
" Oh, fuck.
(Fingers drumming) (Door creaks) Wow Okay, just so you're aware, I had a very cute, "my boyfriend's on the baseball team" spectator look prepared for today, and now I'm wearing tap shoes.
They're called cleats, and I think you look very cute.
That's a given.
This just isn't how I pictured being a placeholder rolling out.
Here.
I thought we could head outside, maybe throw the ball around a little bit? This glove is brown.
My shoes are black.
What exactly are we doing here? - We're gonna practice? - Practice what?! You told me I was just a body in a field! - Hey, Patrick.
- Hey, Mr.
Rose.
- Whoa! - What are you doing?! Well, what are you doing? Patrick's forcing me to be on his team - for the game today.
- Yeah.
Well, Roland and Ronnie wanted me to be on their team - for the game today.
- Oh my God! That's funny, 'cause Ronnie's been telling me all week how stacked her team is! So yeah, so this makes sense.
Oh.
Well, David, I'm surprised to see you back in a uniform.
Whoa, I'm sorry, "back" in a uniform? Okay, we don't need to get into it.
He didn't tell you? Well, David holds the Little League record for most times hit by a ball.
That's assuming it wasn't intentional.
They let me go home early.
So where are you putting him? Right field.
Okay, well, I'll try and get everyone to pull the ball to the left.
Well, thank you, Mr.
Rose, but we're trying to keep morale high.
David and I are actually just going outside to throw the ball around.
Well, that sounds like fun.
I think I'll oil up the glove and join you.
Ew! Please don't.
Oh David, don't worry, you'll be great.
I just wish I'd kept that helmet I got you.
Does this come in black? You can use mine.
Twyla: Once Once.
Uh no, we've moved on from the mirror exercise.
Oh, okay, sorry.
Go ahead.
Once At the motel One word at a time.
Okay.
Once Uh sorry, I'm not good at this, I'm just not good at this, so.
Okay, um, maybe someone else should jump in at this point.
Excellent idea, Alexis.
Okay, I'll play with Stevie.
And perhaps we'll get a clearer idea of what we need here.
Maybe you could do it with somebody else though, let somebody else try.
First word is a gimme.
So you may say "once.
" - Once - Upon A - Nightmare - My - Captor - Was Dismembering Okay, does it always get so dark? Oh, I'm, I'm just flowing with your energy, Stevie.
Which is good, but you may require a little scordatura.
Why don't I break us up into groups.
That's a good idea, 'cause it's better than what's happening here.
I'm glad you agree.
- I'll I'll number us off! - Um, one, two.
One, two.
Two.
Two two, two.
Jocelyn, take group two for some movement exercises.
- Mhmm.
- Thank you.
And you and I will do a little more one on one.
Okay, hey! Do you think we could maybe switch parts at this point? Um, at this point I really wouldn't want to.
But if it makes you feel better, I think lunch is soon.
Um, I'm just wondering when the Bellinis are coming out? (Kiss) Stay strong, babe.
Alexis, we don't need to exercise our movement? Come here.
- You ready? - Uh, yeah.
(Ball thuds) Okay, next time, can you make sure the ball goes into my glove? Thanks so much.
It's a ground ball, David.
So in a game situation, it is possible that the ball won't be hit directly into your glove.
How's it going, boys? Do you mind if I toss a few? That'd be great, Mr.
Rose.
That way I won't be the only one chasing the ball every time I miss David's glove.
Okay, the last thing I need right now are two people coaching me on something I didn't wanna do in the first place.
Well, it's more for me, David.
Popeye's arm isn't what it used to be.
Nobody's gonna call you Popeye.
Look alive, Patrick! (Truck rumbles) Roland: Whoa, hold it.
Uh, Johnny? What are we doing here? Just tossing the ball around, Roland.
- No big deal.
- Wait, David's your sub? (Cackling) I thought you told me that your team was stacked! - Good to see you too, Ronnie.
- Yeah Dave, be honest with me.
Are you just playing to make your dad look good? (Laughs) I may have to call my bookie again, right? Okay, this is passive harassment.
Anyway, we just stopped by to say we're having a little pre-game bevvy and pep talk at my place if you want to join us, Johnny.
Well, I think I'll just stick around, and loosen up a bit, Ronnie.
Johnny, I don't think it's really ethical for you to be doing spring training with the enemy.
He's not the enemy, Roland.
He's my son.
(Scoffs) There are no sons in baseball! What? I'd argue most baseball players are somebody's son.
- So what does that make me?! - Ohhhh! No but, just 'cause he, he said there's Yeah, you know what, good luck.
'Cause you all are gonna need it.
Yeah, I'm looking at you.
Roland: Yeah.
(Cackling) Wow, she is really not a fan.
Ohh man, I wanna win this game.
Okay, you told me it was just for fun, though! Well, it is for fun, David, but a little rivalry is part of the fun.
It's like when we used to play the Catholic kids from Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrow.
The worst school cheer I ever heard.
(Jocelyn and actors grunt and moan) All: Blaaah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Let's be aware! There are two groups in the room, voices carry.
Okay.
But this is actually a good distraction for you.
Because when you're on stage, you're going to have to drown it all out.
Okay, so let's now focus on the image you were about to conjure for me.
Okay I'm in the Town Hall.
I'm wearing my maroon plaid hoodie.
And I'm feeling very uncomfortable.
Hmm, vivid.
Visceral.
Excellent, Stevie.
Although the exercise does ask us to recall a traumatic event in our life.
This sounds almost as if you're describing what's happening right now.
- Well, I am.
- (Laughs) Oop! There's that razor sharp wit that landed you the role.
Ah, Moira.
Group two is gonna take a fiver.
I have not had this much exercise since I birthed Roland Jr.
Look at you, Jocelyn! Pushing your authority as assistant director to its limit.
But Stevie and I are still doing some memory sculpting.
Uh, Mrs.
Rose, I think I could really use - a five minute break.
- Oh, Stevie.
Okay, but we've chatted 30 seconds already, so we'll call it a company four-and-a-half.
Okay.
Okay (Actors murmur quietly) - Hey.
- Hey.
So before I take my five, which technically won't start until after this conversation, I just wanted to have a conversation with you.
It's about Stevie.
Oh Alexis, I can't say I didn't see this coming.
This must be very difficult for you, watching one of your contemporaries step in as Sally, when you fought so hard for the role.
Oh my God, no! I read the script, and never would've been able to memorize those lines.
May I ask where your concern lies, then? This is all a little intense.
- Hmm? - Especially for Stevie.
If anything I'm going easy on her.
You should've seen the conditioning Rocky put me through.
Our first day consisted of mud runs, - and sob therapy! - Okay.
Well, she's not you, and I think she's actually regretting signing up for this.
And feels like it was a big mistake.
Really? What gave you that impression? Because she told me that she regrets signing up for this, and feels like it was a big mistake.
That kind of attitude's not going to get her very far as an actress.
Well, she's clearly not an actress.
You told us this morning that you were here to inspire, instruct, and bring out the best in all of us.
If only we needed to fill the role of a Dictaphone! - I'm just saying.
- And your point is made.
Thank you.
Whatever's left of the five minutes might do us all some good.
Thank you.
(Insects buzz) Patrick: All right now, two away! All right, players to first and second! Outfield in a little bit, two away now, let's go! Okay, I don't know who this is, but can we put him back in the box? Johnny: David, keep your glove up! Protect your face! Roland: Hey, Johnny! No coaching.
Always be ready! Ugh! Johnny, why don't you just put on a little apron, and serve them the win on a silver platter?! I'm just helping out my son, Roland.
The kid has no idea what he's doing! I can hear you! Okay, uh, Ronnie, hit one out to right field.
There's basically nobody out there, Nobody's gonna catch it, go ahead.
(Metallic clink) (Grass rustles) Roland: You got this, you got it! (Ball whooshes, bat clinks) - Roland: Ohhh! - Johnny: You can do it, David! Patrick: Get out of the way, David! - (Ball thumps in glove) - It's okay, David, I got it.
Hey, you know what?! It's not okay.
I'm doing you the favour, you told me I was just a body in a field, not a body that had to catch things, flying very fast in the air! So I'm out! Well, actually, David, uh, Ronnie's out, and the inning's over, and technically, you're walking in the right direction.
Well, that's good for you, then, please get my glove.
- Knock, knock! - Team? Um, a firefighter with back pain? No, try again.
Knock, knock! A vacuum salesman? I don't know.
Bob, try to communicate what's written on the paper.
Is-is there a bell I could ring? You know, I don't, I don't wanna be rude, but uh, they could be having dinner.
Um, you know, just keep knocking until someone guesses what, or who you are.
Help me out here.
Knock, knock.
Yes, let's you and I sit this one out, shall we? End things on a lighter note.
It is called a "play", not a "work".
Jocelyn: Someone caught in the rain! Um, Mrs.
Rose? I've been thinking Oh, that's your first mistake.
Don't think, Stevie, just trust your instincts.
Okay well, my instincts are telling me that I'm in over my head.
See, deciphering which instincts to trust that's the real skill.
- You're feeling overwhelmed.
- (Laughs nervously) After some quiet reflection, it occurred to me that this morning's exercises might've been a bit advanced.
Please remember, this is all new to me as well.
Alexis: Ooh! A guy that works with animals, but not a vet - (Laughs shyly) - We're in this together.
Okay Might I share with you an anecdote about my director - A man with amnesia! - Yes! Well, he may have a story or two about that from his later years.
No, sorry, I mean, the game.
It-he's a man with amnesia! Yes! Oh, I'm so glad somebody figured it out! Oh, I actually forgot what I was supposed to do up here! - Jocelyn: (Laughs) - Ohh! You know that you have to come up and play the game now, right? I think I can handle that.
(Clapping quietly) - Ohhh - Thanks.
(Alexis clears throat) (Scoffs) (Rapid exhales) Vampire person! Twyla: Oh! Ghost! Ghost girl! Hemophiliac! Woman with amnesia! No! Hey! Patrick.
I don't mean to put any pressure on you, but you do realize that it's the bottom of the ninth, two out, bases are loaded, and the game's on the line, right? Yeah, I realize that, thank you, Ronnie.
So, who's up? Oh, I think you know who's up.
(Cackling) The barbecue guy wasn't ready, but he gave me some chips.
Okay David, you're up, but I'm gonna talk to the ump and see if we can pinch hit for you.
Why? It's the only part of this stupid game that I'm actually good at.
Well, you struck out three times, so I tipped it that one time, you even admitted that! No, that's true, and that was a-that was a great tip.
It's just that we're trying to win here.
Hey! Hey! Do we have a batter, or what?! - What's going on? - Yeah, I'm doing it.
- I'm doing the batting.
- Ohhh, okay, great! - All right! - Okay.
Easy out everyone, easy out! (Chuckles) Fire up the grill, we'll be there in a couple of seconds! Okay, everyone shut up! Ronnie, throw the thing.
- (Ball whooshes, bat thwacks) - Unh! Patrick: Oh my God! Run, David, run! - Way to go, son! (Laughs) - Patrick: All right, David! Roland: Johnny! Get the ball! Patrick: This is it! Go, David! Drop the bat! Ronnie: What are you waiting for, Johnny? Roland: Come on, he's going home! Patrick: All the way, David! All the way! - (Ball thunks) - Aaaah! - Umpire: Safe! - Green Team: Yeaaaaah! - Are you okay? - Did I do it? You did it.
You did it! - (Applause, cheering) - Wooo! Woo! - Johnny: (Laughs) - (Laughing and cheering) Patrick: David Rose, hit the ball! (Laughs) Ohhh! - Wooooo! - Woo! That's my boy! (Rock music plays) You know, Johnny, the next time I need a sub, remind me to ask the blind goat over at Mrs.
Divine's farm.
It's just a game, Roland.
Popeye smokes his son square in the back.
It was a quick recovery, Ronnie, but thanks for the play-by-play.
Well, luckily for me, I had a side bet on whether Johnny would throw the game in his kid's favour.
I consider it a split.
When you get hit in the back playing a game you never wanted to play in the first place, does that make you the VIP? The MVP, and uh, no, we're not doing that.
Okay, what if we were doing it, though? Well then, you would definitely be the VIP.
Okay.
Listen, I'm sorry if this game sorta unleashed my competitive side.
Yeah, we really don't need to meet him again.
But, you know, part of me wonders, would you have hit a home run if I hadn't lit that fire in you? Because I have never seen you run like that.
Yeah, it was mainly because I was smelling the barbeque.
- Ah.
- Up.
Higher.
- Okay.
- Thank you.