Spin City s05e09 Episode Script

Angie, could you send flowers to Allison with a note that says, "last night was special.
Thinking of you Charlie"? That is so sweet.
Yeah, it is.
Could you also send flowers to Jennifer with a note that says, "last night was special.
"Thinking of you Charlie"? Maybe I should get a bunch of those cards printed up.
No, that would be so impersonal.
I don't believe it.
You went shoe shopping again? I needed sandals And boots and clogs and platforms and pumps.
Mike's been in Zimbabwe for weeks.
You're obviously substituting clogs for sex.
Just because I go shopping doesn't mean I'm preoccupied with is it me, or have his pants gotten tighter? Now you're chewing ice.
Why don't you just wear a sign that says, "I need some"? Better yet put on those pumps.
You know, that whole chewing-ice thing is just a juvenile myth.
Is it me, or have his pants gotten tighter? Someone should have warned me it was Paul's turn to buy the bagels.
What is this? That is authentic imitation lox.
You bought fool's lox? "Discontinue use if irritation persists.
" Let's start before my eyes swell shut.
Some good news since the mayor took office, have been created.
He's declaring victory in the war on unemployment.
With that in mind, he wants us to start thinking of New wars.
How about a war on Pennsylvania? I'm sorry.
I hate those smug bastards.
Wait.
I've seen the employment figures.
Most of the new jobs are minimum wage.
They're still new jobs.
Don't make waves.
Good morning, everybody! Oh, did you hear the news? I just told them about the new jobs.
No, not that today is Mickey Rooney's birthday! With all due respect, we have not won the war on unemployment.
All we've done is create a temporary fix, not a long-term solution.
Okay.
Ah, lox! It's not a victory Carter, please Not on Mickey Rooney's birthday.
My job here is to look out for the disenfranchised the people who have no voice.
Mr.
mayor, please don't ignore me on this issue.
My God, there's a chicken bone in my lox! Can I talk to you about something personal? There's nothing wrong with wearing a shirt two days in a row! People in other countries do it all the time.
Since Mike left New York, I've been a little lonely.
I figured you'd understand since Claudia left home, and you probably haven't had sex in Two years.
But she just left to become a nun a month ago.
She went into the convent a month ago.
She began practicing at home October 4, 1998.
How do you deal with it?! I have been shopping like crazy! Caitlin, the only way to come to terms with celibacy is to embrace it.
Buddha teaches that life is suffering caused by craving or desire.
Well, once you eliminate those evils, the suffering stops.
According to that, if you eliminate suffering, you eliminate life.
Unh-unh don't pull that thread.
You see I've developed a 3-step system.
First, when you feel the urge, focus that energy inward "tunneling," I call it.
See, on a horse, it's called "blinders.
" Second, keep your hands busy.
I like juggling.
Okay, the third and most powerful tool to suppress sexual desire banjo music.
Just to know where we're coming from, how long has it been since you, uh Three weeks ago.
Oh, please.
Mike was taking me to the airport.
Yeah? It was raining on my blouse, it got wet, and you could see right through it.
Okay, okay yeah, yeah, yeah.
Bringing Angie coffee, huh? Get out of here.
You're not exactly her type.
You mean she's a lesbian? 'Cause I'm okay with that.
No, it's just that Angie's cool, hip a little wild.
Look, she even rides a motorcycle.
You freaked out the last time I opened the sunroof.
Hey, guys, what's up? Oh, uh, just checking out this picture.
SweetRig.
You ride?! Like a demon shot from hell.
So what kind of bike do you have? Schwinn-ster.
You're funny.
Yeah, I was joking.
Well, you know, you can do me a really big favor.
I have this bachelorette party tonight I'll do it, but I won't go beyond a g-string.
I was gonna ask if you could take my bike home with you.
I don't know.
I'd really appreciate it.
Okay.
By the way, do you like frappacino? Nah.
I hate those froufrou coffee drinks.
I'll tell Carter you don't want it.
And so with the creation of 200,000 jobs, I'm happy to report the jobless rate in New York City is at a 20-year low.
We have won the war on unemployment! Misleading.
Not now.
The people should know the truth.
What the hell are you guys doing? Does Mr.
Heywood have something he would like to add? I would like to add that the administration realizes that what people need is education and training so that these minimum-wage jobs become a stepping stone and not the end of the line.
To paraphrase The war is over.
Mr.
mayor, have you ever worked at a minimum-wage job? Of course.
My first job out of law school, I made the minimum wage for an associate And I don't have to tell anyone here, but back in 1969, it was not a lot of money.
Actually, sir, in today's dollars, that's about $350,000 per year.
That's right.
But back then, we didn't have today's dollars.
You were way out of line, Carter.
The entire press corps thinks the mayor is a snob.
It's very distasteful being ridiculed by people so obviously beneath me.
Oh, you just want me to censor myself, not speak up? Could you? That would be really nice.
I think we need to do a little damage control.
I once worked for a senator who ran over a dog.
Next day pictures of him at the animal shelter problem solved.
Charlie, I'm not about to run over a dog.
No, sir, we're gonna do a photo op you working in a fast-food restaurant.
I can see the headline now "mayor serves up new jobs.
" Why don't we bring peace to northern Ireland? All we need is a photo of the mayor getting tanked in a pub.
That sounds like a lot more fun than Killing an innocent dog.
* when a man loves a woman * can't keep his mind on nothin' else * * he'll trade the world for the good thing he's found * * if she is bad, he can't see it * * she can do no wrong * oh, suzanna * oh, don't you cry for me Hello.
Paul It's Caitlin.
I'm slipping.
"Mambo kings" is on tv.
Armand assante this is a challenge.
There's something about him that drives me crazy! I already flipped to qvc and bought an 8-person camping tent.
All right okay, listen, listen.
Before you buy anything you don't need, I'm gonna talk you down.
You and I are spending the night together, after which you will never be interested in sex again.
Now Sing along with me.
* oh, suzanna * oh, don't you cry for me * for I've come from Alabama * bring it home, sweetheart.
* with a banjo on my knee today, I'm revisiting my roots back among the working people of this city, where I feel so comfortable.
We're not off to a good start.
Don't worry, sir.
You can ice that on your break.
You're gonna be fine, I checked this place out.
It's the slowest lunch shift in the city.
We sell 5 burgers, we're out in 20 minutes.
Okay.
I didn't come here today for this photo-op sham.
I'm here to help you reach your potential so that one day you can walk out that door and into a brighter future! But I like it here.
They let me eat anything that falls on the floor.
You're missing the point.
You have to use this job as a stepping stone.
In the words of William Arthur ward "if you can imagine it, you can achieve it.
If you can dream it, you can become it.
" But if I drop it I can eat it.
Hey, you're just in time for the photo.
Hey.
You're okay, buddy? I just ran over from the phish concert in central park.
I wanted to beat the crowd.
Crowd? Okay, you got a number-2 combo and a sprite, and I'm looking at the register, and I don't see a picture of anything called "doobage.
" Charlie, I can't believe I let you talk me into coming here! This is the biggest tragedy since tiananmen square! Way to keep things in perspective, sir.
Just try to stay calm.
Remember, the press is here.
We're not just a couple of trained monkeys who smile on command! Mr.
mayor! Charlie! Have you guys thought about your futures? Because let me tell you something there are a lot of opportunities in this new global economy.
Burger down! Stop.
Stop.
Stop! Stop! Stop! Give me that! Look, there is more to life than diving for floor burger.
You guys You're like this raw Patty you have a choice.
Do you want to be all flat and smushed, huh? Like all the other burgers? Or do you want to be different? Look, I'm gonna tell you guys something right now that is gonna change your lives forever.
A chicken sandwich white meat only extra special sauce, and romaine lettuce, but only if it's fresh.
Gotcha.
One rowdy burger.
Hey, hey where are you going? To shake off the malaise that has been inflicted upon us by this mind-numbing job! Carter's a dead man.
* oh, suzanna * oh, don't you cry for me Caitlin, please, I'm begging you go back to buying shoes.
"Mambo kings" was on last night.
Armand assante.
Hey, Paul, this celibacy thing may work for you, but I am miserable! Oh, no Caitlin You've come too far to turn back now.
You're this close to a life of sexless solitude.
You didn't even notice the hot delivery guy.
Where? I didn't even notice him.
I feel nothing.
I'm asexual bland! Welcome to my world.
Nice work, Norma rae.
We'll tell the press we didn't expect this, and we're not trained to handle it.
Perfect, Carter "the mayor's staff can't serve people food, "but please trust us to keep the streets safe and educate your children.
" I don't appreciate that tone.
You sabotaged my press conference, then you convinced the entire kitchen staff to walk, including a young man who I consider to be the best milkshake guy on the east coast.
I think I've earned the right to change my tone.
Excuse me if I'm a little more passionate about people than photo ops.
You know what? Icare about photo ops, because if the mayor doesn't look good, we all lose our credibility.
And we can't help people find new jobs, create affordable housing, and finally get New York a women's pro beach-volleyball team.
I'm passionate about things, too.
Ok, I hear what you're saying.
But you don't need to worry about the mayor.
He can take care of himself.
Oh, son of a in the two hours before we close, you and I are gonna make sure every customer jams into their arteries.
There are over a hundred people out there.
Carter Somebody once told me "If you can imagine it, you can achieve it.
" Okay, I'm in.
* off the Florida keys * there's a place called kokomo * * that's where you wanna go * * to get away from it all * bodies in the sand * tropical drink melting in your hand * * we'll be falling in love * to the rhythm of a steel-drum band * * down in kokomo How are you doing? I am crankin'.
Hey, Stuart! I'll see you later, okay? Awesome ride.
By the way It starts to rattle when you hit 100.
So, what are you doing tonight? Tonight? Just some daredeviling, then nothing.
How about a nice candlelight dinner at my place? I could swing by.
Great! Oh, I have some boxes I need to bring home, so I'm gonna have to take a cab.
You can ride my bike out to queens for me, right? Queens? That's really far.
For an extra 29 cents, I can jumbo-size those fries and rowdy up your shake.
I am on fire.
Size fries, shake quake on that number 4.
That's $8.
16.
Gotcha covered, boys.
Oh, you're here.
Great.
Grab an apron.
We need help.
No can do.
This is an official media event.
If I get involved, as press secretary, it would compromise my image.
I'd buy that if I didn't just see you in the play area belly-flopping into the bin of plastic balls.
I thought the kid was drowning.
Mmm.
You know, it feels great not to have to worry about how I look, what I eat.
I never realized being celibate could have such advantages.
Sex is so overrated especially the way I do it.
Welcome to rowdy burger.
I'm "mayor.
" I think he was in front of me.
Oh, my God You're Armand assante.
Oh, I am a huge fan of yours! - I'm afraid you're mistaken.
- I'm not Armand assante.
You have a pickle in your hair.
Oh! Thanks.
Oh, I loved you in "the mambo kings.
" No, no, you didn't.
I'd I'd like a number 5 To go.
I'm bothering you.
I'm sorry.
I just that woman needs to have sex.
What are you doing? I just maxed out my credit card, and I am on my way to Zimbabwe to see Mike.
This is weakness.
I appreciate everything you've done for me.
When I get back, I am gonna find someone for you to have sex with.
But that would be nice.
* when a man loves a woman * can't keep his mind on nothin' else * Shut up! I'm doing the best I can, okay?! What a day.
My feet are killing me.
I don't remember the last time I was this tired.
I can.
I once spent an entire summer cracking slate in a quarry.
I had a summer like that once.
What did you do? Usher at "les mis.
" Wow.
I feel like a real wuss for mentioning that quarry stuff.
Listen, Charlie, I, uh Want to apologize for being so difficult back there.
I was out of line.
The mayor is gonna get some great p.
R.
Out of this.
It never would have happened if you hadn't pushed us and been such a pain.
I'm not just saying that as your friend, I'm saying that as your shift manager.
Yeah, well, I appreciate that, and I'm sorry about the grease fire.
It's okay.
Folks seemed to like the new charburger.
It's strange you've made the last two days of my life miserable.
You say all these weird things, and you take a really long time saying them.
But I like you.
Thanks.
You know, Charlie, I've often pondered the significance of so "Les mis," huh? I've always had a thing for hot peasant chicks.
Good night, Charlie.
Good night.
Hello.
Oh, hi, Allison.
Oh, you got the flowers? Come on, Allison.
They're just flowers.
A backrub? That sounds nice.
Who's that in the background? Yeah, she can come.
Hey.
I saw you on the news at 6:00 And 10:00And 11:00.
Oh.
Can I still come in for dinner? It's 4:00 in the morning.
Breakfast? Thanks for bringing my bike.
Sco-o-o-re! Sit, ubu, sit.
Good dog.