The Neighborhood (2018) s05e09 Episode Script

1
"School board approves
emotional support squirrels."
Hmm.
When I was a kid, you couldn't
even chew gum in school.
Why do you still get the newspaper?
Why don't you just get it on the app?
Babe, 'cause I like
to do more than read my news.
I like to feel my news.
I also like to
hear my news.
Oh, uh, you left this
in your pants pocket.
"Jake Walker, Thaxton Capital Partners"?
Good. You know what,
I was looking for this.
(GARBAGE DISPOSAL WHIRS)
So you could murder it?
Okay, what's going on? Who is this guy?
Eh, it's just a guy that made me
an insulting offer to buy the Pit Stop.
What? But who said it was for sale?
Nobody. See, this is
what I've been fighting.
Gentrification.
See, they think that they can come in,
wave a check in your face
and just buy you out.
Why didn't you tell me about this?
For the same reason I don't tell you
when Dave asks me to go antiquing.
It ain't never gonna happen.
I didn't even look at the offer.
Oh, well, good for you.
Fight the power.
You know, they're doing
this all over town.
You build it up and then
they just come in and take it.
That's what they do.
Who is they?
They is them.
Well, they ain't gonna do us like that,
because we ain't them.
That's right.
(KNOCKING) Ooh, that might be them.
Oh, hey, Calvin.
Gemma and I are gonna
go antiquing. You in?
Oh, sure, Dave. Give me a minute.
All right.
It ain't gonna happen.
Welcome to the block,
welcome to the neighborhood ♪
Oh, somebody brought croissants?
(LAUGHING)
Which one of y'all
trying to get the day off?
Ah.
I see you got the croissants.
Ah, Jake. These are from you?
I already told you I'm not selling.
But I'm keeping these croissants.
Hey, I bought everybody croissants.
That's not what I heard.
Would you just give me your keys
and I'll call you when your car's ready?
Okay.
So, Calvin, I'm assuming
you didn't look at our offer.
Well, you would be assuming correctly.
You just let them know
that they ain't getting this.
I hear you.
Can you do me a favor
and just take a quick look at our offer
so I can tell my bosses you did?
You know, you seem
like a fine young man.
So for you, I'll look at it.
But it doesn't matter
what this number is.
I'm still not selling.
Good lord!
Is that the offer
or is this
an international phone number?
That's the offer.
Would you like a croissant?
No, Calvin, that's all you.
Let me know if you want to talk.
My actual phone number's
the little one in the corner.
Oh, hey, Calvi Ooh, croissants.
I know you said business was slow,
so I brought my car in.
I don't think there's
anything wrong with it,
but here's to hoping
you'll find something.
I hope you don't do this
with your doctor.
Better safe than sorry.
Hey, who was that guy who
just walked out? He smelled great.
Is a real estate guy.
He made me an offer to buy the Pit Stop.
Oh. Was it a good offer?
(SHORT CHUCKLE) It was a great offer.
Well, congratulations.
My shop is not for sale.
So, you told him no?
No, I didn't tell him no.
You don't say no to an offer this great.
So, you're gonna say yes?
What part of "not for sale"
do you not understand?
♪
This is for the Pit Stop, right?
Yes.
And they've seen the place?
Yes.
It's a successful business
in a hot part of town.
What are you doing?
I'm trying to make sure that this comma
isn't a smudge.
It's not a smudge.
And that comma doesn't change anything.
Oh, that comma could change me
into someone who sunbathes
naked on a yacht!
Ooh. (LAUGHING)
Naked and yacht do go together.
You know what I'm saying?
I told you. (LAUGHING)
We can have fun on the water.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Look, uh But the Pit Stop
is not for sale.
You know what, you always get me
with that naked and yacht thing.
Stop doing me like that, you know?
Okay, Dave, how many times
do I have to tell you
Pictionary Night is not happening?
We will fight that battle another day.
This is to help with
your Pit Stop decision.
We can make a list of
the pros and cons of selling.
This exercise helps my therapy patients
get clarity with big life decisions.
And I could tell you were waffling.
He was waffling? Huh, like a Belgian.
I was not waffling.
Aw, come on, baby. Let's give it a try.
I'm tired of wearing clothes. On land.
CALVIN: Okay, Tina
would you stop, please?
It's hard for me
to make a clear decision
when you keep being naked in my head.
♪
This isn't a communal hamper, Malcolm.
I'm not washing your stuff anymore.
Hey, man, this isn't mine.
W Well, it's not mine.
Maybe it's Necie's.
Why would Necie have a triple XL
Alabama football sweatshirt?
I don't know, Marty. She's your fiancée.
Wow. Okay. (LAUGHS)
What's okay?
Apparently everything.
What is everything?
You know what? Nothing.
No, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no, No, no, no.
Everything means something.
Okay, fine. If she were my fiancée,
I would just be a little
curious about where she got it.
I don't know, like maybe
that's an ex-boyfriend's.
Okay, so, what if it is?
Wow, clearly, you are a
bigger man than I am. (CHUCKLES)
Not as big as him.
This
♪
Okay. Pros.
If you sell the Pit Stop, what
about your life gets better?
Well, I could stop worrying about
Motor Boys stealing all of my customers.
- Okay.
- Mm-hmm.
DAVE: I, uh
I don't know what that says.
It says "Motor Boys can kiss my ass."
Um, well, uh, it's not legible.
Who cares? It's my list,
I know what it says.
Okay, you know what? I'm gonna write.
(GROANS) Here we
go, here we go. All right.
What's next?
Um, no more getting up
at the crack of dawn?
Oh, yeah. Crack of dawn can kiss my ass.
All right.
Why don't we just make the list,
and assume that everything on it
can kiss your ass?
Oh, here's a pro.
No more working weekends.
Mm. Mm.
Uh, no more dealing with
deadbeat customers,
your bad back.
Yeah, yeah.
All of those things can indeed
kiss my entire ass.
More time with neighbors.
Uh, uh, that's a con.
No, it's not.
Um, afternoon Dodger games.
- Mm.
- Afternoon golf. Afternoon naps.
Mm-hmm. Afternoon, you know
(BOTH WHISPERING)
Huh? Huh?
Oh, here. I have a pro. Put N-O-Y.
What's that?
- Naked on a yacht.
- Naked on a yacht.
Oh, okay.
Now, Calvin, that's a lot of pros.
Now let's talk about the cons
of selling the Pit Stop.
Yeah, but there's a
You got the, uh
Calvin, um
it seems like you've got nothing.
It's pretty clear
that the board is telling you something.
Well, the board doesn't
have everything on it.
Okay, well, what's it missing?
To be honest, I-I am 200 cars short
of beating my daddy's record
for most tires rotated.
- Man, please, you just made that up.
- Mm-hmm.
It's a real record, Tina.
And if anybody's gonna beat it,
it's gonna be me.
All right, I'm not selling the shop.
I want my daddy's record!
♪
(RAPID KNOCKING)
Oh.
- Hey, Marty, what's up?
- Hey, Dave. Uh, this
is a little awkward,
but I need some advice.
How is that awkward? You know,
I actually had a dream
about you coming to me.
I found this in the laundry,
and I'm afraid it means
Necie still cares about her ex-boyfriend
and he is big and muscular
and he played football at
Alabama and now he's in the NFL
and, like, what does
she even see in me?!
O-Okay, Mar-Marty, Marty,
you're spinning out.
Okay? Now, let's calm down.
Take a deep breath.
Have you spoken to Necie about this?
She's in Chicago visiting her parents,
and I don't want her to think I'm crazy.
Unless I am crazy. Am I crazy?!
No, you're not crazy,
but it sounds like
you're feeling jealous.
Okay? And jealousy can
make us irrational.
Hey, Marty. What's up?
I'm crazy!
No no, he's not crazy.
He j He found this
in Necie's laundry.
(GASPS) Alabama football? Oh, my God.
Did Niece date a player from Alabama?
That's a great program. Lot of Heismans.
(GASPS) Is he in the NFL?
Oh
- What?
- Okay.
- What, what'd I say?
- Okay, but
but what if football players
are really her type
and she's just
nerd-slumming it with me?!
Ok Again, Marty,
calm down.
Look, Necie has made her choice.
And her choice is you.
Okay, Dave. Maybe you're right.
- Thanks.
- You are so enlightened.
Oh, thanks.
- But I just care about women.
- GEMMA: Aw.
You know, some call me an ally.
Others agree.
Be like Dave.
I wear my ex-boyfriend's hockey jersey
and he couldn't be less bothered by it.
Huh.
Thought that was yours.
No, Dave. It's Brian's. I've
told you that. (CHUCKLES)
And Dave doesn't care at all.
Yeah. (COUGHS) Not at all.
I'm the guy that guys come to
when something like that bothers them.
Yeah, I am evolved.
(KNOCKING)
Yo, Marty. Oh, hey, guys.
Sorry to bust on in,
but I have good news.
Remember two weekends ago
when I invited the guys over
to watch the Rams game?
Rams is football, right?
Oh.
Yes, that's right, and that's
why I did not invite you.
Anyway, there were a bunch of guys.
It was Trey, Big Julius,
Little Julius, and, uh, Richard.
I thought the Juliuses hated each other.
Yes, they did, but now
they all hate Richard.
And it got kind of awkward.
Yeah. But anyway,
I forgot that Big Julius spilled
queso all over his sweatshirt.
His Alabama football
sweatshirt. (GEMMA GASPS)
Big Julius played football at Alabama?
No, Gemma, Big Julius went to
Dick's and bought a sweatshirt.
Well, this is good news.
(LAUGHS) That's great, Marty,
But, again, it never really mattered
whose sweatshirt it was.
- Right, Dave?
- Right.
Or how intimate she was
with the person who gave it to her.
♪
Hey, babe, what you reading?
Oh, since you asked,
why don't you want to sell the Pit Stop?
Hmm. That's an odd name for a book.
I can't stop thinking
I mean, is it that crazy of an idea?
If you took that offer,
you could retire.
Wouldn't that be wonderful?
(SCOFFS) It'd be horrible.
In my family, no one retires.
All my relatives have died on the job.
It is my destiny to die
underneath an '88 Cutlass Supreme.
Baby, don't you think
your relatives kept working
because they had to?
If you sold the shop,
you could be the first Butler
to not have to die on the job.
(CHUCKLES) If I sell the Pit Stop,
then I wouldn't own it anymore.
Calvin, that's how selling
something usually works.
Tina, I've put my heart and soul
into that place for over 30 years.
And I put my heart
and soul into it, too.
I have never dreamed of selling.
But, baby, I do the books. And
I did some calculations.
And do you know how long
it'd take us to make
what they're offering?
Guess.
Mm-mmm. No. I know how this works.
How long?
Never.
Who knows if an offer like
this will ever come again?
Tina
if I'm not Calvin of Calvin's Pit Stop,
then who the hell am I?
You're Calvin the father.
Calvin the Yardecue King.
Calvin, the man that
I fell in love with.
Baby, that shop doesn't define you.
You define that shop.
Yeah, I guess there's more to the world
than motor oil and transmissions.
(SCOFFS)
Truth of the matter is I passed my daddy
in tire rotations in 2014.
(LAUGHS)
Baby, remember when we got married?
We said that we were gonna
make love on every continent.
We're still just on one.
We went to Mexico.
That's the same continent.
We needed a passport.
Don't we deserve to do the things
that we've always dreamed about?
You're right.
You're my sweet girl and I I
want us to both be happy, so
You know what?
Let's do it. Let's do it.
(CHUCKLING)
You won't regret it. (CHUCKLES)
It's our time.
Yes, it is. (LAUGHING)
But you know we can't really
afford a yacht, though, right?
Aw
But maybe
you can get naked on
one of them big blow-up ducks.
Mm-hmm? You know what I'm talking about?
Quack.
Quack, quack, quack! Quack, quack!
♪
(RAPID KNOCKING)
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Guys, I need your help.
- Oh!
I'm spinning out, I know it's crazy,
but I can't help it.
Wait, is this about Gemma's jersey?
Oh, my God, did you have
a dream about it, too?
No.
I could see your face
when you found out about it.
Dave, I thought you were
more evolved than this.
Well, it was easy to be evolved
when it was Marty's problem,
but now it's mine.
Hate that jersey.
I want to strangle that jersey.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Dave, look, you and Gemma
have a happy, secure marriage.
You can't possibly think
Oh, shut up, Malcolm!
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I should not have
snapped at you like that.
You're not Brian.
And what's so great about Brian anyway?
She brought that jersey from
high school to college,
all the way out to California with her.
She wouldn't even let me
bring my karaoke machine.
We need to thank her for that one.
Look, Dave, you just need to
tell Gemma how you really feel.
Yeah, but she'll just say
that I'm being totally irrational.
Yes, just like you told me
I was being totally irrational,
and you were right.
Exactly.
It's not like Gemma's gonna leave you
for some guy she dated in high school.
She's your wife, Dave.
(SIGHS) All right. You're right.
Okay. Think it's obvious
what I have to do.
- Talk to Gemma.
- No.
Find Brian, find out who he's married to
and make her wear my clothes.
No?
Okay, fine. I'll go talk to her.
Yes.
No.
Uh, Gemma, I have something to say,
so I'm just going to say it.
I know you think of me
as being an evolved man,
and I pride myself on that.
However, that jersey triggers
an irrational but nevertheless
emotionally valid reaction in me.
I ask that you respect me
and our marriage
and remove it from our home.
Thank you very much. There, I said it.
Oh, I'm sorry, baby.
Did you say something?
Oh, damn it!
Okay, Gemma, I have something to say,
so I'm just gonna say it.
I know you think of me as being
Oh, what am I even doing?
I-I hate this jersey.
What? You said it didn't bother you.
Well, I was lying. I didn't
know I was lying, but I was lying.
Not only do I not want you to wear it,
I want to rip it into a million
pieces with my bare hands.
And I know I'm probably
not strong enough,
but adrenaline does crazy things.
Dave, it's just
a comfortable, old jersey.
It doesn't mean anything.
I know. And I know that
I'm being petty and irrational.
But (SIGHS)
I can't look at that jersey
without thinking about you and Brian.
I don't want to think about you
with anyone other than me.
That's actually kind of attractive.
What is?
This primal caveman side of you.
It's so dumb, but it's kind of hot.
Well, in that case
Yabba-Dabba-Doo.
And no longer hot.
♪
- This is so exciting.
- Uh, Tina,
remind me to get a display case
for this pen.
It's what they did for Barack
when he signed Obamacare.
I wish you would have told me that.
I would have found you a
pen with no teeth marks.
(LAUGHS)
Yeah, and
boom! (LAUGHS) (GEMMA WHOOPS)
And boom. (PHONE CHIMES)
- What did you do?
- I just ordered a bag.
(LAUGHS)
Congratulations, Calvin.
The Pit Stop is in great hands. (WHOOPS)
(CHUCKLES)
And your check is in my hands.
(LAUGHS)
All right, let's celebrate.
(CHEERING) Let's go, let's go, let's go.
(OVERLAPPING CHEERING)
A toast to Mom and Dad
and to Calvin's Pit Stop.
May we all take our cars there
before we have to pay
the new guys to service them.
(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)
I will drink to that.
And to the love of my life,
the fearless Calvin Butler,
who I'm so excited
to start this next chapter with.
And to Tina Butler, my ride or die. Aw.
I couldn't have done
this without you, babe.
I love you, baby. Thank you.
And boom. (PHONE CHIMES)
- Uh, another boom?
- Yeah, I just bought a Rolex.
Hey, babe, now, we can't
be spending money like
- For you.
- Oh. Well, all right.
You know, I would say, "Come back soon,"
but once you walk out that door,
I'm locking up for good.
Now, you sure you don't want me
to rebuild your engine or something?
- Might take a couple of weeks, but
- Calvin.
It's time.
Okay, yeah, sure.
Here you go.
Let go of the keys, Calvin.
Bye, Lil Hatchet.
All right. So
let's-let's get out of here. Mm.
Hey, you know what, uh
why don't you go ahead.
You need a moment?
Yeah.
Okay.
(SHORT CHUCKLE)
Yeah.
Oh. (SCOFFS) I'm taking my cord, though.
Oh, well. That's they problem now.
and TOYOTA.
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