The Simpsons s05e09 Episode Script

[ Chorus .]
" The Simpsons " [ Bell Ringing .]
[ Whistle Blowing .]
[ Beeping .]
" [Jazzy Solo .]
[ Tires Screeching .]
D'oh! [ Screams .]
The beauty of it is each parking space is a mere one foot narrower-- indistinguishable to the naked eye but therein lies the game.
- I fear to watch, yet I cannot turn away.
- [ Cars Approaching .]
Blast it, woman.
You parked too close.
Move your car! I'm in the lines.
You got a problem, go tell your mama.
Oh, don't worry.
She'll hear about this.
- [ Horns Honking .]
- [ Man .]
I can't get out.
! - [ Woman .]
I'm trapped.
- [ Man .]
I can't breathe.
! - [ Honking Continues .]
- [ Bart Laughing Sinisterly .]
Class, I know there's no way to prove who actually did this and in our American democracy, everyone is innocent until proven guilty.
- God bless America.
- But my classroom is not a democracy.
Ha! For the rest of the year, Bart Simpson will be the first student called on for every question.
- [ Gulps .]
- Well, let's get started.
Can someone pronounce this word? Hmm? Bart? Uh-- Um-- Hmm? - Uh-- - [ Grunting .]
Mmm-- Uh-- - Oh, pick me, teacher! I'm ever so smart.
- Uh-- It's ''photosynthesis''! Damn your feeble brain! Oh, I couldn't read it.
The letters are all blurry.
Is it possible all your misbehavior and miserable grades have been caused by a simple vision disorder? [ British Accent .]
You mean it ain't me noggin', it's me peepers? Oh, well, that's just ''loverly.
'' Watch this, guys.
Ooh! - Uh-oh.
He's done for.
- Don't worry.
The safety glass'll protect us.
- [ All Gasp .]
- [ Alarm Blaring .]
Run! We'll hide at my house! [ All Shouting .]
Hey, this emergency exit is painted on! There's no way out! There's no way out! We're doomed! Doomed! [ All Groaning .]
Well, sir, I won't bore you with the details of our miraculous escape but we desperately need a real emergency exit.
Why, that's a fabulous idea.
Anything else you'd like? How about real lead in the radiation shields? Urinal cakes, maybe? Smithers, throw this at him.
[ Grunts .]
[ Shouting .]
Smithers, where does that tube go? I'm not sure, sir.
It was here when we moved in.
"[ Exotic .]
[ Shouting Continues .]
[ Men .]
Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! [ Men Ululating .]
Sir, we'll need a new dangerous emissions supervisor.
Yes, we'll find someone cheap.
It's been a very lean year for us.
[ Both .]
Money fight! [ Both Laughing .]
Mmm.
[ Mumbles .]
Excellent, Zutroy.
Work hard and each day you'll get a shiny penny.
[ Men Shouting .]
Agent Wesson, Department of Labor.
- This man's an illegal alien.
- [ Chuckles .]
That's preposterous.
Zutroy here is as American as apple pie.
[ Foreign Language .]
Mr.
Burns.
This plant violates every labor law in the book.
We found a missing Brazilian soccer team working in your reactor core.
That plane crashed on my property! Look, Mr.
Burns, we want to see some changes.
For starters, you can reverse your sexist employment policies and hire at least one woman.
All right.
I'll bring in a woman.
- But I still stand by my hiring policies.
- [ Quacking .]
- But I still stand by my hiring policies.
- [ Quacking .]
Get back to work, Stewart! Now with my new H.
M.
O.
, I can provide every medical service you'll ever need under one roof.
You do have insurance, don't you? - Yes.
- Well, that's wonderful.
[ Chuckling .]
Let's go visit the optometrist.
Your son has a temporary condition called ''lazy eye'' where one eye is weaker than the other.
- You'll have to wear these for two weeks.
- Oh! Menachem Begin wore a pair just like them.
Hmm.
That scalp's a little dry.
Better see our dermatologist.
Rub a palm full of this medicated salve into your scalp every half an hour.
Keep him away from open flames and pregnant women.
Ah, these should help those fallen arches.
Enjoy.
Hmm.
Throat looks a little red.
- I'd better spray it.
- [ Coughing .]
[ Altered Voice .]
Oh, thanks, nice lady.
My voice is crazy with this spraying already.
Oy, I feel so much better, Mr.
Medical Science-type Person.
If they hire a woman, we won't be able to spit on the floor.
And we can't take off our pants when it gets real hot.
And we won't be able to pee in the drinking fountain.
Yeah-- I mean, that-- You know, if we wanted to.
Not that I ever did.
Gentlemen, I'd like you to meet your new coworker, Mindy Simmons.
I think she has a degree in engineering or something.
- Hi.
How's it going? - Pleased to meet you.
- Yeah, ditto.
- Hi.
Ooh.
[ Gasps .]
Homer, what's the matter? Ain't you never seen a naked chick ridin' a clam before? Gotta go! Ahhh! What the hell was that? I probably shouldn't have eaten that packet of powdered gravy I found in the parking lot.
[ Both .]
Nice glasses, four eyes.
[ Laugh .]
Yeah, nice shoes, uh, two feet.
Yeah.
- Your appearance is comical to me.
- [ Kids Laughing .]
[ Gasps .]
I'm a nerd! [ Gasps .]
So am I! Yeah.
Another day, another box of stolen pens.
- Have a good night, Homer.
- You too.
No goose bumps, no hallucinations.
That last time was just a fluke.
- " [ Whistling .]
- [ Tires Screeching, Horns Honking .]
[ Fish .]
Homer loves Mindy! Homer loves Mindy! Hey, Homer, you're hallucinating again.
Not a good sign.
So, uh, what do you guys think of Mindy? Seems okay.
Anybody see the game last night? Yeah.
That Mindy seems real nice.
Homer, what's with you? You're talking during a coffee break.
Yeah.
Usually you just take the box of doughnuts into the bathroom.
Mindy has a motorcycle.
Look, everybody.
I'm the same person I always was.
Whoa! - [ Shouting .]
- [ Kids Screaming .]
- [ Grunting .]
- [ Kids Laughing .]
- Hey, he's learning on his own! - Get him! [ All Grunting .]
- Moe, I need your advice.
- Yeah? See, I got this friend named JoeyJo-JoJunior Shabadoo.
- That's the worst name I ever heard.
- [ Sobbing .]
- Bye,JoeyJo-Jo! - Oh, what the hell? It's me.
I'm attracted to another woman.
What am I going to do? Your infatuation is based on a physical attraction.
Talk to the woman and you'll realize you have nothing in common.
Barney, that is so insightful.
How did you come up with that? It was on one of these bar napkins.
[ Whimpers .]
Uh-- So, let's have a conversation.
Uh, I think we'll find we have very little in common.
- Can't talk.
Eating.
- Hey, my favorite-- raspberry swirl with a double glaze! Double glaze.
[ Gurgling .]
Oh! Okay, so we have one thing in common.
But you know what I hate? Drinking beer and watching TV.
Not me.
That's my idea of heaven.
- D'oh! Me too! - Really? I can see I'm gonna love working with you.
Well, gotta go.
[ Whispering .]
I wanna sneak in a quick nap before lunch.
[ Gasps .]
Foul temptress.
I'll bet she thinks Ziggy's gotten too preachy too.
- [ Bell Dings .]
- [ Sighs .]
I made it the whole day without seeing her again.
[ Screams .]
I mean, hello! [ Chuckles .]
I guess we'll be going down together.
- I mean, getting off toge-- I mean-- - That's okay.
I'll just push the button for the stimulator-- I mean, elevator.
[ Thinking .]
Think unsexy thoughts.
Think unsexy thoughts.
Think unsexy thoughts.
Oh, that's unsexy.
- " [ Humming Theme From I Dream ofJeannie .]
- Ew.
! [ Burps .]
D'oh! [ Whispering .]
Think unsexy thoughts.
Think unsexy thoughts.
[ Chuckles .]
Well, this is my floor.
[ Grunting, Screaming .]
See you tomorrow! Ah, home to my loving family.
What more could a man ask for? [ Blows Nose .]
Hi, Homer.
Don't kiss me.
I'm all stuffed up.
- [ Groans .]
- Hi, Dad.
Hi, son! How are you-- Ew! Dad, look.
I made fish sticks.
They're burned on the outside, but they're frozen on the inside, so it balances out.
Yeah, good.
That raccoon stole my lamb chop! [ TV: Indistinct .]
Let's have a little quality time together, just you and me.
- [ TV Off.]
- Oh, that's sweet.
[ Sniffling .]
Guess what? There's a new place at the mall that puts your picture on a T-shirt.
I got two dollars off because mine got smeared.
Ew.
Hey, we haven't watched TV in a while.
Tonight, Eye on Springfield takes a look at the secret affairs of Kennedy, Eisenhower, Bush and Clinton.
Did fooling around on their wives make them great? We'll find out next when we play ''Hail to the Cheat.
'' [ Whimpers .]
[ Man .]
The Burmese melon fly has over 1 ,000 sex partners and suffers virtually no guilt.
- [ Whimpers .]
- [ Breathing Heavily .]
[ Woman .]
Ooh!Just do it.
- [ Screams .]
- [ Door Closes .]
Examine your scalp for ringworm.
Hello, hotline? I'm very tempted by another woman.
Homer Simpson, that's a dilly of a pickle.
- Hey, let's conference you with Marge, huh? - No! [ Groans, Grunts .]
- Who are you? - Homer, I'm your guardian angel.
I've assumed the form of someone you would recognize and revere-- Sir Isaac Newton.
- Sir Isa-who? - Oh, very well.
[ Gasps .]
Colonel Klink.
! Did you ever get my letters? - I'm not actually Colonel Klink.
I'm just assuming his form.
- [ Chuckles .]
Did you know Hogan had tunnels all over your camp? Homer! That's not why I'm here.
My job is to show you how miserable life would be if you married Mindy instead of Marge.
Ooh, I would live in a big mansion? [ Both Grunting .]
- I'm so happy, darling.
- I as well.
- Are you happy,Jeeves? - Yes, sir.
Quite.
- Then we're all happy.
- Let's get out of here.
Sure, life is good for you, but what about Marge? [ Gasps .]
Marge lives here? -[ Man .]
Madam President, your approval rating is soaring.
-[ Marge .]
Mmm.
This dream is over.
[ Screaming .]
[ Grunting .]
Hey, you, get out of my office! - Nerd! - [ Kids Taunting .]
You're goofy-looking.
[ Laughing .]
[ All Grunting .]
[ Panting .]
Whoa! - What the hell? - Shh! [ Murmuring .]
- What is this place? - The refuge of the damned.
A place where we can work on our extra-credit assignments without fear of reprisal.
Come, you must be tired from the chase.
Oliver, bring our friend a hard-boiled egg and some prune juice.
Finally, Bart's one of us.
[ Kids .]
Excelsior! " Oh, Mindy, you came and you gave without flaking " " But I sent you BenGay " " Oh, Andy, you kissed me " "And stopped me from something " "And I-- " Uh-oh.
- Dad, why are you singing? - [ Thinking .]
Tell a lie.
Tell a lie.
Because I have a small role in a Broadway musical.
It's not much, but it's a start.
- [ Thinking .]
Bravo.
- [ Lone Clapping .]
- Are you hiding something from me? - Like what? Judging from your song, you're infatuated with a woman named Mindy or a man named Andy.
- Lisa, look out behind you! - Dad, I'm not gonna fall for that.
No, Lisa, I swear to you! I'm 1 00% completely serious! You've gotta turn around right now before it's too late! - Huh? - Sucker! ''Mindy, because of our uncontrollable attraction I think we should avoid each other from now on.
'' ''Max, what I did, I did because of alcohol and anger.
'' ''I'm tired of these jokes about my giant hand.
The first such incident occurred in 1 956 when''-- - Hi, Homer.
- Mindy! Uh-- [ Clears Throat .]
Oh, no, I'm sweating like Roger Ebert.
Mu-- Murphy, youse-- You are a elf-- Uncontrollably, I think-- [ Gibberish .]
Look at those two inseparable chums, Smithers.
That's exactly the teamwork we'd like to showcase at this year's energy convention.
- Are you sure, sir? - Well, no one else seems to share the same spirit of camaraderie.
[ Gibberish Continues .]
[ Screaming .]
Simpson, Simmons, you two have been chosen to represent us at the National Energy Convention.
Congratulations.
You'll be spending two nights together in glamorous Capital City.
Wow! Capital City! The Windy Apple! Come on.
I'll get you the tickets.
Oh, this is the worst crisis my marriage has ever faced! Colonel Klink, why have you forsaken me? - What is it? You have a question? - [ Chuckling .]
Did you know Kinch had a radio in the coffee pot? He did? Mmm! [ Groans .]
TV's there, bathroom's there, and there's your king-sized bed for-- [ Wolf Whistle, Meowing .]
[ Imitates Bed Squeaking, Growls, Pants .]
[ Barking, Howling .]
[ Gibberish .]
Hubba-hubba.
Stop that! I love my wife and family.
All I'm gonna use this bed for is sleeping, eating and maybe building a little fort.
That's it! [ Gasps .]
Free mouthwash! Free shampoo! - Free shower curtain! - [ Mindy .]
Free shower curtain.
! - Mindy? - Homer? Wow.
If it weren't for this wall, we'd be sleeping in the same bed.
Yeah.
Uh, walls are a necessity in today's society.
[ Chuckles .]
Homer, I got a really wicked idea that could get us into a lot of trouble.
Oh! Mindy, we have to fight our temptation.
No, Homer.
Let's do it.
Let's call room service! - Oh.
- [ Beeping .]
Someone is charging room service to the company, sir.
Well, we'll just see about that.
Fly, my pretties.
Fly! [ Chittering .]
[ Screaming .]
- [ Thudding .]
- [ Groans .]
Continue the research.
- [ Lips Smacking .]
- Mmm! - I can't believe we ordered so much.
- Oh, something's missing.
Ooh! One of the turkeys fell behind the bed.
[ Both .]
Mmm.
Foot-long chili dog.
[ Both Gasp .]
[ Marge's Voice.
: Mechanical Humming Sound .]
[ Screams .]
It's a sign! - [ Shouts .]
- [ Mechanical Hum Continues .]
Good news, honey.
Two weeks are up.
You don't have to wear your glasses anymore.
And your scalp and posture seem fine.
Yes! [ Grunts .]
Kids, did anyone pray for giant shoes? - I did! - Okilly-dokilly.
We've been doing a lot of upper-body work on Bart.
- Today, let's pound his kidneys.
- Yeah.
- " [ Humming .]
- Let's get-- Huh? What gives? Gentlemen, the nerd you knew is dead.
Beat me, and you will be beating one of your own.
- Whatever.
- [ Blows Landing .]
[ Electricity Buzzing .]
[ Chattering .]
- So this stuff really works? - Certainly does.
- Oh, well, lots of luck! - Oh! [ Snaps Fingers .]
[ Men Muttering .]
[ Rustling .]
[ Rustling .]
Thanks for poisoning the planet, bastard.
! - Get bent! - No more Chernobyls! - Go to hell! [ Grunts .]
- [ Man Shouts .]
You know, I was a little worried about coming to this convention with you.
But I think as long as we're not alone together-- [ Man .]
And now the moment you've been waiting for.
This year's King and Queen of Energy are Homer Simpson and Mindy Simmons.
- Huh? - "[ Fanfare .]
Homer, Mindy, you've just won a romantic dinner alone at Madame Chao's the sexiest Chinese restaurant in Capital City! - Is there any way to get out of this? - No.
"[ Romantic .]
[ Sighs .]
What a perfect evening.
It was sure nice of them to make us cheeseburgers.
Uh, yeah.
[ Reading Silently .]
''You will find happiness with a new love.
'' Oh, even the Chinese are against me.
[ Groans .]
What's the point? I can't fight fate.
[ Slurping .]
Hey, we're out of these ''new love'' cookies.
Well, open up the ''stick with your wife'' barrel.
Well, I guess you'll wanna come in.
- Okay.
- ''Okay.
'' This was a really nice night, Homer.
Yeah, yeah.
[ Sobbing .]
- What's wrong? - Oh, yeah.
Like you don't know.
- We're gonna have sex.
- Oh.
Well, we don't have to.
Yes, we do.
The cookie told me so.
Well, desserts aren't always right.
But they're so sweet.
Homer you don't have to do anything you don't want to.
Well, maybe I want to.
But then I think about Marge and the kids.
Well, not the boy.
He drives me nuts.
- Sometimes I'd just like to-- - Homer you know how I feel, so it's up to you.
Look in your heart.
I think you'll see what you want.
- Oh, baby.
- "[ Man Singing .]
This was a wonderful idea, Homie.
"[ Continues .]
Hey, there's a turkey behind the bed! Mmm.
Marge.
[ Chuckling .]
[ Homer.]
" Oh, Margie, you came and you found me a turkey " " On my vacation away from workie " [ Wolf Whistle, Meowing .]
[ Imitating Bed Squeaking, Growls, Pants .]
[ Barking, Howling .]
[ Gibberish .]
Hubba-hubba.
[ Blow Lands .]
- [ People Chattering .]
- Shh!