Workaholics s05e09 Episode Script

You know, the reason it's called bull's-eye is because in early Spain, they'd throw darts in the bulls' eyes, and that would make them run, - then Running of the Bulls so-- - Wow.
- That makes sense.
- Crazy, huh? Blake, you might be the best at making facts up, and I mean that.
It's true--I saw it on the History Channel.
No, I can't.
I threw out my back last night fugging my Fleshlight.
- That shouldn't happen.
- Oh, that'll happen.
What sucks is I can't even afford the back-upuncture to fix it.
- It's like ObamaCare, right? - Tell me about it.
Unless All right.
Hum it in.
Hum it in right here.
Der me dere, my brother.
I don't know if this is-- I could sever your spine or something, right? No, there's too much meat around it.
Oh, yeah, and then he could have a cool Professor X wheelchair.
You guys, chill out.
Back-upuncture-- It's just needles, correct? And what are darts but wing-ed needles? Okay? So just dip it in some beer and disinfectant and then hum it in there! Yep.
Uh On three.
- Whoo! - One two - three-- - You know, on second thought-- Oh! Aaah! What the hell? Did you just throw that dart? Nuh! He-hell, no! I got a dart hanging outta my face! Yes, you do.
But look at it this way-- We just saved you a trip to Clair's--am I right? - Ha ha ha.
- Ooh - 'Cause - No? That's it.
You're dead! - Whoa-- - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! - You guys gotta go.
- Get 'em outta here! Hey, hey, easy, easy, Keith.
They're with me.
Sorry about that, Hillary.
Just let me know if you need anything.
Uh, well, how about a round of lemon drops for us? And put all of Dart Face's drinks on my tab.
How 'bout some chicken fingers? Yeah.
Well, whatever you want.
Okay.
Thank you for saving us with that guy.
- Yeah.
- Actually, you kinda saved him from us, 'cause I would have Taekwondo kicked him right in the freakin' tummy, probably made him dump out in his pants.
Yep.
Just poop all over himself.
Yeah, like Hong Kong Pooey.
Very funny word play.
- Oh, that's very funny! - Points, points.
- Thanks.
- That's awesome, because normally, women aren't funny, - and that's a rule.
- Here you go, Miss Winthrop.
- Thanks.
- All right.
And working on those tenders and those dipping sauces.
- Thanks, man.
- Cheers, guys.
Cheers.
Thank you.
- I finished first.
- I'm sorry.
Did he say Miss Winthrop, as in Ted Winthrop? Yeah, yeah, that's my dad.
I'm Hillary.
- This is my friend Jackie.
- Hi.
Yeah, no-- Your dad's the king of Rancho! - Oh - Right? I mean Garbage trucks, gas stations, Payless shoe stores.
- Yep.
- Yeah, that's right! The big three, huh? I'm sure Obama picks up his phone calls pretty quick.
If Obama would ever pick up the damn phone! Keep the change! I didn't vote.
Who votes? Do you guys want to get some more drinks? Then we'll party a little bit.
- Yes! - Whoo! - Yes! - Let's party.
Whoo! Beep! Beep-beep! And I like you a lot I think you're freaky, and I like you a lot I think you're freaky, and I like you a lot I think you're freaky, and I like you a lot Whoa! I think you're freaky - And I like you a lot - Oh, my God! I did that to a real girl! - We shut it down.
- That was really fun, guys.
I'm with you! Oh, back-- you smell like puke.
- Do I? - Yeah.
It's just my armpit.
- No, no, no, no, no! - Stop, dude.
This might be a little crazy, but I'm going to my sister's wedding this weekend, and I was wondering if maybe you'd want to be my date.
I do Want to go with you, my sweet m-m-mistress or lady or-- My sweet lady! Well, you guys--you guys are totally invited too.
Oh, tight! Yes, I do.
- That's sick! - Well, uh we'll see you there.
Bye.
Hillary, wait.
- Hmm? - I never caught your name.
Um, I think you did, 'cause you-- well, you just said it.
Yeah, I know, I know.
Okay! No, I remember! All right.
- Okay, I'll see you there.
- All right, later.
Yeah, later, Sillary.
- Take care.
- This is 'bout to be dope.
Yeah, dude, are you kidding me? A rich person's wedding-- like, come on, man.
They probably serve, like, tiger meat or something cool.
Ho ho ho ho! Hoo hoo hoo! Ooh! Well, we'll never know, because we ain't goin'.
Adam! Yo.
- Hey, good morning.
- Morning.
Now, I know you're sick of hearing it, but if you'd just hear me out one more time about why you should go to this wedding - Yeah.
- Yeah, check it out.
All right, look.
Here's you, all right? You go to the wedding.
You bring me and Ders.
Me Ders! Here we are at the wedding! We kill it.
We just destroy.
'Cause everybody loves us 'cause we're great guys.
The Winthrops-- they're hug fans! They're so much fans they're like, "Dude, move in with us at our house.
"Have as much buffalo chicken pizza "and videogames as you want.
You can retire early.
"We don't care.
Live in our mansion.
We're all one, big happy family now.
" We win.
Life rules forever.
That's the big picture, right? But let's talk about the wedding.
- Weddings rule, dude.
- Let's talk about it.
They've got the best DJs-- you know I'll swing dance.
And then let's talk about garter belts, man.
You know what they can do for your life.
I'm sick of being out there on the market, you know? I got a dude-alogical clock that's tickin'! I don't know, you guys.
That girl was, like.
nasty! You know? With her disgusting, gross, greasy-looking hair and, like, her pizza face, which just really creeped me out.
She was iggly putrid.
Uh, she was very hot, and her hair game was on point.
I'm pretty sure she uses Wen by Chaz Dean.
Adam, do not Eff this up.
I'm telling you, in Steve Harvey's book, Act Like a Woman, Think Like a Man, he says nothing compares to a woman's love.
- He says it! - Are you denying his genius? I'm not denying his genius.
Steve Harvey is one.
- Thank you.
- I mean, he's the best host Family Feud has ever had-- I'll admit that.
Mmm Google Ray Combs and get back to me, actually.
Well, Richard Dawson, on the other hand, was in Running Man and fingered a bunch of those chicks.
A Louie Anderson's a boss.
They had a lot of great hosts.
- True.
- So true.
But I guess I'm just like scared or whatever.
What are you scared of, the conga line? Come on, it's a frigging wedding, you doofus! No, I'm not scared of the conga line, Blake.
- Well, what? - I'm scared that if I go to that wedding she's gonna, like, fall for me love-style, and we're gonna be boyf-girlf.
And if we do that-- good-bye, Single Adam! And that means good-bye us.
Are you ready to say good-bye to us? Is that what you guys are ready for? I mean-- Let's get some of this chicken.
Yeah.
Hey, buddy.
So maybe the end of Single Adam isn't such a bad thing.
I mean, he's made some pretty bad decisions in his life, huh? Yes, Single Adam has.
Remember, he did eat that toilet doughnut, and got sick for a week.
Two weeks.
Single Adam did all those whippets at a 2 Chainz concert and tried to put his pants on a police horse, right? - 2 Chainz? - Yeah.
Hey, what if we send Single Adam off in style? Throw him like a bachelor party or something? - That's cool! - When I was 12 years old, my grandma helped me write a bachelor party wish list.
If you guys help me get everything on my list and I can have all my druthers, I will go to that wedding with you.
- Awesome.
- Yes! Yes! - That's cool.
- Let's do it.
Okay, the list of my druthers in my vault--69, 69, 420.
Just kidding.
It's a drawer.
I keep it close by, 'cause you never know - when you're gonna get married.
- Sick.
It's in cursive, so this is hard for me.
Okay.
Well, take your time.
"For his bachelor party.
" Well, she talks like this: "For his bachelor party "my grandson, Adam DeMamp would like "shoot shotguns at things, "cut a wooden tree down, "drink with airplane pilots, microwave a hamster" You know, I think I've outgrown that last one.
- Thank God.
- Okay, right.
And finally, "Get a lap dance on a Gravitron.
" - Yeah.
- Okay! - Cool! Ab--mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
If you guys could give me a few minutes, I need to continue itching my leg.
'Cause my leg is super-itchy.
- Sure.
- Bachelor party! - Bachelor party, baby! - All right! - Okay.
- He was jacking off, right? I'm not--I was not jacking off.
Actually, I just have a rash on my inner thigh that is questionable, and I need to rub more cortisone on it.
Range is hot! Pull the refrigerator open.
- Yep.
All right.
- Whoo! Whoo! - Yeah! - Yay! That was awesome! - All right.
- Yeah! Mmmmm! You guys rule, man.
Hey, family secret: My mom actually had an affair with a pilot for two years.
He must have really plowed her hard, too, because she was so happy for those two years.
The family was actually pretty pumped that it was happening.
My dad wasn't even pissed.
Hey Could I fly one of your guys's planes? No, I'm sorry, bud, we can't do it.
Well, what would you do for 100 bones? - Yeah! - I'm flying! - Yeah, you are.
- I'm flyiiiing! - Cool.
- Dude I'm having fun.
This is a fun bachelor party.
- Yeah? - Okay, only one more thing on my list of druthers Riding a Gravitron while getting a lap job.
- Yeah, yeah, and - My dream.
we seriously looked into getting a Gravitron, - but it just-- - We didn't.
It's a Gravitron.
We couldn't-- You know what happens if I don't get one of my druthers correct, brothers? Yes, we do, we do.
But, dude, we got you a filthy stripper that's like also hot who's got these moves that make you feel like you're on the Gravitron.
Totally, like she brings a fan out and it, like, blows her hair, and it's like ahhh! And then her boobs go rrrrr at mach 5 speeds! Unfortunately, one of my druthers isn't met, so we're not going to the wedding.
Those were the rules that I've laid.
That's the gauntlet that I laid, and we can't spill the gauntlet.
I don't know if a gauntlet is spillable or not.
I truly don't even know what a gauntlet is, but we didn't meet the druthers, so we're not going to the wedding.
- Mach 5.
- Take me home.
Oh, my God, you guys! You guys Jamie Kennedy Experimented me, did you not? I wish I could say we tried to X you, but I can't, 'cause we did not.
- Yeah, right.
It's you! - I'm serious.
- For real? - Yeah.
Oh, there's a note.
Okay, it's in cursive, so this might take me a second.
"Dear Adam, "only six people have ever died on this Gravitron.
Just kidding, only two.
" - That's funny.
- Yeah.
"Hope you got all your droothers" - Druthers.
- Druthers.
- Yeah.
- Okay, that makes sense.
"You deserve them.
See you at the wedding.
- Love, Hillary.
" - That's the nicest thing a chick's ever done for a dude in the - history of the world, right? - Yeah.
Almost, 'cause in seventh grade, Melissa McDonald agreed to look at my penis and my balls for 20 seconds straight.
- Pretty nice.
- Yeah, during a school trip.
- It was like - Very nice.
- At that point--now this is.
- Ahem.
This might have taken first place.
Hi.
I'm Brooklyn, your dancer.
Hello, Brooklyn.
I'm Blake.
So, uh, some good news: your job should be pretty easy tonight since there won't be any gravity holding your clothes on.
It's a Gravitron! We're lookin' at some booby 'cause of the Gravitron.
- Totally.
- Oh! This is gonna be the best night of my life! Yes! Oh, ho, my God! I came down tip-toein' in my Jordans Oh! Tip-toein' in my foreign, you mother[bleep.]
borin' You sleeping on me snorin' This is the best time of my life! Tip-toein' in my Jordans Came down tip Toein' in my Jordans Just copped a Porsche, tip Toein' in my foreign You mother[bleep.]
borin' This is awesome.
This has been a dream of mine since I heard about it in the Penthouse letters.
- Yeah? - My grandma used to read them to me so I could fall asleep more easily.
You all right down there? 'Cause you're not hard.
That's very unlike my dick.
Normally it's just like ahhhhhhh! Pfft, pfft, spitting all over the place, you know? Yeah, but it's not No.
It's like an old taxidermied snake.
- But it isn't.
- Scared.
Oh, wow, I don't Oh, my God.
You know what it is? I'm in love.
Guys, I'm in love! - Oh! - That's what's happening.
That's why my hog isn't hard right now, 'cause I'm so in love with Hillary.
Of course I'm in love with her-- she gave me a freaking Gravitron, right? - Yeah.
That's beautiful! - It's cool! I don't even like this super babe of a stripper! No offense.
Here.
I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
Just for a minute.
- I need to spend some - Sure.
alone time with my guys.
This might be the last time it's just us, you know, since I'm gonna be a freakin' - basically married dude.
- I'll just Thank you for doing your stuff with your body.
Namaste.
I normally love glittered women.
- It's no offense.
- Thank you.
- Uh-oh.
- And then there were three! Right? And if you're real quiet, you can hear wedding bells! - You sure can.
- I can't hear 'em.
Oh, man, I am so sad to see you go, but then again, I'm happy, 'cause we're probably gonna be living together in a mansion with a butler, playing video games, not working ever! Well, thank you guys so much.
And thank you for, like, doing all this stuff and giving me all my druthers.
- I really appreciate it! - Aah! Ahh ho ho ho! Oh, that was awesome! - You're out of your mind.
- That was awesome! Hey to Single Adam! - Yay! - Yeah! - I'll drink to that, dude.
- Signing off.
Forever.
Wake up! You guys have been in here for like six hours.
I need to be paid.
Ah hey, what time is it? It's 10:00 am.
- Okay--no.
- What? I gave you my credit card last night.
Yeah, you did, and you got declined.
You're maxed out.
- So somebody owes me.
- You know what? I owe you.
You owe me a lot of money, actually, yeah.
What is your real name? Why do you want to know that? Because I need to go to that church and tell my future girlfriend the name of the woman I already cheated on her with.
What? No.
Why would you do that--don't do that.
No, I have to.
I can't start this new chapter of my life without being forgiven for these past indiscretions.
Getting a lapper from her, all those other lappers.
Like so many lappers.
We've gotten so many lappers! What are you talking about? Don't be weird, dude.
Promise me you won't ruin this for me.
I'm trying to retire early, man.
That's a little selfish, Blake.
But, yeah I promise.
I promise that I won't be late to the wedding.
- Come on, Ad-- - Adam-- - I can't-- - Don't push me! - Just pay me.
- Oh oh! - Aah! Aah! - Here it comes again! - Aah! - Aah! It's not on anymore.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Yep.
Oh! Don't-- don't you do it! Or do do it, but just wait till after the garter belt's been tossed.
When am I gonna get paid? Jesus, Brooklyn, is stripping just about money to you? - Yeah.
- I'm sorry, guys, but you can't stop love! My whole entire family fortune's in there! - Adam, stop! - Wait, wait-- No! You're being totally selfish.
You guys just don't want to see me happy! And you don't even understand relationships! Only me and Steve Harvey do! Dude, causing a friendship family feud, dude-- Steve Harvey would never do that! No--ha ha ha ha! Adam! You get away from here.
Today's not about you, okay? It's about two people-- The bride and the stud who catches the garter belt! Ow! Oh! You back-upunctured me! And it didn't even hurt.
In fact It helped my hip.
Come on! Stop stopping my love! What the hell are you doing? Oh, you just said hell! We're in church, dude.
You're going to hell! People say hell in churches all the time--you just said it.
Hey! What's going on up there? Um ow! - Hey, you okay, dude? - Stop the wedding! Stop the wedding! Wait-- It is stopped! Now, will someone please tell me what the hell is going on up there? Ah ha he just said hell.
- Adam, you made it! - Oh Mom, Dad, um, that's my date.
What it is.
You know this clown? Mr.
Winthrop, I would like to ask for your daughter's hand in being my girlfriend.
But before I do that, I have to come clean about some very dastardly deeds that I have done.
I've gotta be real.
I've gotta be honest, - and I've gotta be open - He doesn't.
- with everyone in the church! - You don't, you don't.
- Stop! - I got a lap job, which is sort of like a lap dance but more sexual, by a girl named Brooklyn.
Oh, that's me! I'm Brooklyn.
I'm the stripper.
- But we did not have sex.
- We didn't-- - He couldn't get it hard.
- Okay, that's not-- Evidently, I'm having a hard time getting hard as of late, but I hope your daughter changes that.
You wanna tell me what the hell you're doing here? Sir, I need to let you know that I did not get hard during that lap dance because the love for your daughter killed my boner.
Also, I once killed a turtle with-- - Stop talking.
- No, Daddy, Daddy.
That's my boyfriend Adam.
- Boyfriend? - Yeah.
What is this about? Daddy, I'm just trying to make you proud.
I mean, you were the one that said I was confused when I said that I was a lesbian and in love with Jackie, and you wanted me to date guys, so I picked a guy, and this is my guy.
- She picked me! - Get over here.
- Get over here.
- Stop, stop, stop it! Stop it! Okay, okay, you've made your point.
- Huh? - If you like Jackie that much, then be with Jackie.
Oh, God, thank you.
Thank you.
Please get off of me.
Jesus, that was gross.
Oh, she's being funny again.
That's why we love Hillary--she's so funny, and for a woman, too.
Oh, my God.
It's not a comedy routine, dude.
You're a horrible person.
- I love you.
- I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
They can be as miserable as the rest of us.
Stop it.
Don't hit me with the bouquet.
I'm sorry--can we get back to my wedding? Oh, it's all about you, isn't it? Okay, okay, you guys are outta here.
Great call.
Love where your head's at.
I'm wondering if, before we get the wheels really turning, - you could throw out the - garter belt? No! Get out! Totally.
I just need it! - No! - Hey, hey, hey! Daddy! Get off! Get off! - Get off! - Define lesbian! You know what? I think it worked out for the best.
I'm 25--I'm too young to have my first girlfriend.
Yeah, you dodged a bullet, dude.
- Hello.
- What? Still here.
Still need money for all the lappers that we did.
- Yes, uh - All the lappers.
And I still don't have any money.
Well, my friend is getting married next weekend.
So maybe Oh! You you want me to go as your date as payment.
Yeah, of course! - Yeah, that's smart.
- Sick! Uh not exactly.
Hello, everyone, and welcome.
We are gathered here today to celebrate Ugh! Ughhh! Oh! Oh! The holy spirit has taken over me! Oh! Oh! Uh-oh! Uh-oh! Uh-oh! Come on! Oh! Oh! Oh! I'm really bad.
I know I'm going to hell.
But I been told my dick's so good it gotta be goin' to heaven Oh! Take my dick to heaven!