You're The Worst (2014) s05e09 Episode Script

1 (birds singing) (dramatic music playing) (panting) (rustling nearby) (gasps) (grunts) (panting) Oh! - (growling) - (shrieks) (laughter, indistinct chatter) Ah, it is so nice to finally have a day off.
It's Sunday.
Paul F.
Tompkins doesn't believe in Sundays.
Or doctors appointments or bathroom breaks.
Well, since you have all this free time, - have you finally read my script? - Oh! Shoot! I'm sorry, Jimmy.
I did.
And I loved it.
You captured the book perfectly.
No notes.
No notes? No notes? Thank you, Edgar.
Well, I shall just send it in as is, then.
- Final draft, incoming.
- (clears throat) Say, Edgar? - (clears throat) Why, yes, Lindsay? - You know what I miss? Handwritten letters? Landlines? Light brown M&M's? Sunday Funday.
Remember that? I sure do, Lindsay! - What is this? - (gasps) It looks like a Sunday Funday list.
Nope, we're not doing Sunday Funday.
We retired it, remember? (laughing): That's too bad, because it's BOTH: Bachelor/Bachelorette Party Sunday Funday! - (horn honking) - What?! - (Edgar laughs) - Sunday Funday Sunday Funday, Sunday Funday What do you think, Jim-skillet? (singing along): Sun-day Fun-day ALL: Better than a Monday Can only do it one way And that is the drunk way Sunday Funday, better than a Monday Can only do it one way, and that is the drunk way Sunday Funday, better than a Monday.
I'm gonna leave you anyway I'm gonna leave you anyway Gonna leave you anyway.
If I see one plastic novelty penis, I'm shoving you off the bus.
Don't worry, Gretch.
Only real ones.
(squeals excitedly) ALL: Surprise! - What the shit? - Whoo! Hell yeah! Party bus bachelor party Sunday Funday! - - So honored to be included, you guys.
Gonna crush it.
You'll see basically.
- Where are all my real friends? - Which friends? How am I supposed to get buck with my future ball-and-chain here? - Yeah! - EDGAR: Check out all the amazing stuff we have planned.
First, the oldest tiki bar in the San Fernando Valley.
We'll then hop over to crazy Topanga Canyon where real-life hippies will teach us to throw pottery.
Then, a coastal sundown drive along the water.
It's gonna be hardcore.
- More like hard-snore.
- (scoffs) The only way to make this impending disaster remotely fun now is to immediately get hammered and enjoy what an utter failure Edgar and Lindsay - once again prove to be.
- Where the hell is all the booze? I had the privilege of crafting a special microbrew to commemorate the event.
Introducing the Jimmy and Gretchen Strawberry - Huh? Pale Ale! - (laughter) (laughs) What a laugh.
(laughing): So jolly.
This is going to be fun, trust us.
Paul aboard! (laughs) (Becca laughs, sighs) (whooping, cheering, excited chatter) (clears throat) Hello, everybody.
Hi.
As we get closer to Jimmy and Gretchen's big day, I just want to say how much I look forward to being firmly involved in their lives, then even more than now.
I'm gonna be there is all I'm saying.
And now a song to get this party started! - (whoops) - Just wait.
Quickly, just right after this, but quickly.
- I just have a quick (grunts) - (feedback hums) Hello, everyone! Hi! (laughs) Hi.
I have a huge announcement.
- EDGAR: English.
- Is everyone looking at me? - English.
- Shut up, back there! Okay.
- Drumroll.
- (Lindsay imitates drumroll) I'm going to have another baby! (screams) What? What? (laughs) (chanting): Becca! Becca! - Becca! - Seriously? Hey, nerd, it worked! Oh, my.
Huzzah! Huzzah! - (laughs) - (car horn honks) - MAN: Shut up, jerk! - Oh, sorry.
Sorry.
(chuckles) Hell yeah! What a miracle.
- Little baby growing in there.
- Yeah.
Gosh, can you believe it's not just come anymore? (radio changing stations) Me? A papa.
What responsibility.
- (music playing) - (sighs) One more of these ultra-low-ABV bad boys, and I'm liable to tell you a little secret.
- Uh, no.
- Are you sure? It's quite juicy.
Paul, I've never been more sure of anything in my life.
(laughs): Oh! That sounds like a challenge.
But you have to swear not to tell anyone.
If you do, you'll owe me $1,000.
Okay, fine.
Deal.
Just tell me so I can be out of this horrible conversation.
(chuckles) I impregnated Becca.
Direct deposit method.
(singsongy): With my member.
(laughing) - Well, that is a good secret.
- I told you.
(both laughing) (groans) Oh, bother.
Oh.
Hi, everybody.
I have an announcement.
- What is it? - And sent.
- (phone chimes) - JIMMY: I feel like we haven't given enough attention to how thrilling it is - that Becca is pregnant again.
- No, no, no! Jimmy, no! But what is so extraordinary about this event is the method by which it transpired.
You see, as it turns out, Paul used nature's baster.
His willy! He used his willy! Paul put his penis inside Becca and moved it in and out.
- (giggling) - Party officially set off.
- (laughter) - (feedback squeals) What-What? This is the first I'm hearing of this shocking news.
You guys are so lucky you have us to make your lame-o party awesome.
- (Jimmy laughing) - Hey Okay, we're stopping at the liquor store immediately.
Oh, I can actually have more than one because most women don't even know they're pregnant at this point.
You've done a lot of shitty things to me over the years Dropped me in the laundry chute, made me sleep in the backyard because I breathed too loud But sleeping with my husband was the lowest, and I'm including that summer you told me I had to drink your pee or I wouldn't get boobs.
Lindsay, I swear to you it was as passionless as sex has ever been.
You should know.
You married him.
(Gretchen sighs) Oh, do I have a booger? Let's make a promise that we'll do this forever, that this, our freest selves, shall e'er rule and that marriage shall not change us in any way.
I don't know.
In five years, my freest self might be sober.
That's not funny.
Who knows what our lives will be? We can make these big declarations, but it doesn't mean anything.
Or worse, we think it means something, so we force ourselves to be this, even though that's not who we are anymore.
- But I am who I am.
- I am, too.
For now.
What was your favorite part? - Of what? - Of the script, man.
Come on.
Was it the Ramones concert intercut with Neville Chamberlain announcing conscription? Or Kitty's seduction at the hands of the church rector? (groans) It was all really good, Jimmy.
Well, that was markedly disappointing.
For our next Well, well, well.
(chuckles): Edgar, I thought you had jury duty.
Oh, um, the guy confessed.
Crazy.
Uh, Jimmy, this is Paul F.
Tompkins.
Hey, Jimmy.
Any friend of Edgar's.
So, what are you guys up to on this glorious Sunday? Howdy, everybody! My name is Paul F.
Tompkins, and I will be your host for this party.
(others whooping) I regret to inform you the old plan died of being lame.
- Oh! - (laughter) - Boo! - New plan: - we're going to Las Vegas! - (cheering) - Hit it! - (lounge music playing) (chuckles): Oh.
- Vegas - (laughs) We're on our way to Las Vegas We're gonna go where paying for sex Is not a crime - (whoops) - That's true.
I said Vegas - We're gonna go where the - Hi, buddy.
We have a question.
What were you doing while another man was having sex with your wife? Uh I think I was watching a movie.
Oh.
What movie were you watching? Was it A Cuckwork Orange? The Hunt for Red Cucktober? Uncle Cuck? The Mighty Cucks? - The Joy Cuck Club? - Cuckleberry Finn? The Marx Brothers in Cuck Soup? - (laughter) - Good Night and Good Cuck? One Flew Over the Cuck-oo's Nest? - Mooncuck? - Ha! Sick burns.
So comical.
Excuse me for a second.
(laughter) I'm looking real bad in this scenario, nerd.
I got to tell 'em the full, triumphant story.
Vernon, you can't do that.
- Hmm.
- EDGAR: The Cuck-il Wears Prada.
What's it worth to you? (sighs) Are you on Venmo? Mm-hmm.
BECCA: Hey! Hey, hey, hey! - You know what? No, listen! - (chatter quiets) You all should be ashamed of yourselves.
Vernon is a strong, secure man who should be celebrated - for his open-mindedness.
- Aw, thanks, Bec.
Yeah.
And actually, I think the movie he was watching was - I Heart Cuckabees! - (howling laughter) Didn't see that coming, did you, cuck? - Hey-o! - (laughter) (phone chimes) No, no, no, no, no, no! - No, Vernon, no! - I was there, too, you guys! I was in the room where it happened.
- (groans) - I was a part of it! (horn honking rapidly) I came, too! So hard! (horn honking rapidly) We all came at the same time.
It was super sexual.
I helped his dong back in and then Bec blew harder than she ever blew before.
We held hands after.
I tried to kill myself, and the sex made me want to stay alive! That's about it! I yield my remaining time! Sunday Funday! Who here's from out of town? Oh.
So, you picked up a bus driver and invite him into your marriage bed? - Oh! - What? - No, no.
- (laughter) - Let me explain.
- I don't trust him, Jimmy.
He's got that same look in his eyes he had that day he made me eat all that sour cream.
Oh, you're just mad that he's making this party actually fun.
Now, shush.
I want to see who he's going to take the piss out of next.
Oh, you two are getting married! - That's right! (whoops) - (others whooping) Oh, so great.
Now, you know, things will change after you get married.
That's right.
About to gain that marriage weight, sucka! (laughter) So have you two had all the big discussions? - We will.
- Oh.
- Will is my handsy uncle.
- (laughter) Let's knock some of these out right now.
First question: If you have a boy, - will he be circumcised? - JIMMY: Yes.
- Everyone calls it a turtle.
- No, that's mutilation.
Will you raise your child with religion? - Absolutely not.
- Yes.
Wait, why is everything about children? Next question: Do you want children? - Probably not.
- Absolutely.
- You're not religious.
- Yes, I am.
I don't talk about it because you'll make me feel dumb.
Why would you say that we want children? - Because I want them.
- Well, I don't.
This feels bad.
Is it just me, or does this feel really bad? - You said you weren't sure.
- Well, I changed my mind.
And I might change it again.
Right now these are my beliefs.
But who knows how I'll feel in a couple years? Then they're not beliefs.
They're whims.
Ooh, that is not going to land well.
He's right, we should make these decisions before we get married.
What's even the point? Any rethinking I might do isn't called "growth" but "weakness" because Jimmy's so goddamn set in his ways.
Can't you fucking adjust something for me for once in your life? I have changed for you.
Guys, quick, name some of the things I've adjusted for Gretchen.
- Um - Uh Ha! See? - You can't name one thing - I sucked a dick for you! I'm sorry, I don't think I heard that right.
Gretchen told me to suck a dick, so I did.
I sucked one.
LINDSAY: (sighs) I want a guy to suck a dick for me.
It all makes sense now, because of how infrequently he wanted to make love.
Was I at least on the short list? I always thought I'd be dope at that on account of how good I am at Popsicles.
- (bus rumbles) - (all grunt, groan) Why are we stopping? - (groans) - ALL: Oh! As far as I can hypothesize, I have an optic yeast infection.
Happens to the best home brewers.
Move.
I'll drive.
We've also run out of fuel.
- (groaning) - What? - I don't have any service.
- What?! Me neither.
This was your plan all along, wasn't it? To trap us out here in the desert.
I'm simply trying to have fun with this couple who, by the way, clearly - shouldn't be getting married.
- Hey! Don't make fun of my friends.
Some group of friends, Edgar.
The dick-hungry come lover whose script you clearly hated.
- (giggles) - Edgar? I'm sorry, Jimmy, I didn't want to hurt your feelings.
And the sad girl he barely even knows who tricked him into sucking a dick.
(laughter) Then there's this alcoholic Gorgon who boned her sister's ex.
I had her permission.
- You did not! - Do me! Do me! Then there's her Howdy Doody husband who's too lame to even waste a good insult on.
- (Lindsay laughs) - All right, that's it.
- Get off of this bus! - (others oohing) Oh, let me think about it.
Um, no.
- Get out! Get out! - Watch yourself, Edgar.
I can make it so you never work in this town again.
I don't care.
You can be as hard on me as you want, but don't mess with my friends.
What are you gonna do about it, loser? I said get out! (sharp crack) (gasps) EDGAR: Is he okay? Is he okay?! I don't know; I'm having a hard time remembering what I'm supposed to do.
R-I-C-E.
What's the "I"? (coyote howls in distance) Where the hell are we? PAUL: I may have taken a wrong turn when the yeast started to activate.
Why did you have to push him?! This is so bad.
You guys don't know him like I do.
He is going to ruin my life.
What are you doing? He's a hostile combatant! Oh, stop it.
You're acting as irrationally as you did when you decided my screenplay needed work.
Edgar's right; we can't trust this guy.
He called me an alcoholic.
(chuckles) PAUL: What's happening? Who's fallen? (gasps) See? I told you.
TOMPKINS (groans): What? - (gasps) - Edgar? Guys? What's happening? Do not listen to him.
TOMPKINS: Edgar.
(groans) You got to help me.
My back really hurts.
Why did you push me down the stairs? Why are you all standing over me? What are you gonna do to me? I'm sorry if I've been hard on you at work, - but don't do this.
- Why do you have this?! I-I was uncomfortable working with you.
I mean, you're a disgruntled employee with PTSD.
He has a point! And then you pushed me down the stairs.
And then I woke up, and you're all standing over me in the middle of the desert! (groaning) Hey.
(groans) (Edgar panting) What are we gonna do? I'll take care of him.
- (blade stabs) - (all screaming) It's okay.
I'm fine.
Oh, my God! What's happening?! - (screaming continues) - Someone tell me what's happening! (Paul continues shouting) I'm so cold.
Why can't I stand up? What did you do?! He's a doctor! He said he was gonna take care of me! I-I thought he was coming over to kill me! I told you he was a psychopath! (crying): Oh, God, and now he's dead.
Just like all of you are about to be dead.
- (others gasp) - What did you say? Oh, nothing.
Just, um, spitballing here, but, uh, I think maybe now I have to kill all of you.
- (chuckles): You - I'm not joking, fuck-face.
This is actually my dream.
You drew first blood.
The security camera on this bus will show you pushing me down the stairs.
But out here, no camera.
Oh, yes, from here on out, it's all self-defense.
Oh, no.
- No! - (whimpering) You're first, Edgar.
No.
No! - (screaming) - (Jimmy wails) He's okay, right? Yeah.
You're okay.
Are you okay? - (screaming) - (grunting) (screaming) (whimpers): Oh, my God.
(others gasping) Breathe.
Just breathe.
(hyperventilating): I am.
I'm calm.
(crying): We-we just killed someone! JIMMY: Okay.
We have to leave.
Um Mexico.
We have to go to Mexico.
You'd do that? As long as we're together.
- (crying) - LINDSAY: You guys! I can't.
I can't.
- Calm down.
- I can't! Gretchen, you have to hold this for me.
- (stifled laugh) - Shh! (laughter) - What the? - Surprise! (laughter) What is happening? I don't understand.
Which part? The part where Lindsay and I orchestrated the best bachelor/bachelorette party ever? - (laughter) - (whoops) I, uh yes.
I'm speechless.
- Bravo, everyone.
- Yeah.
- Yeah! - Oh.
Jimmy, is this real life? (panting) (sobbing) (retches) (Lindsay laughs) So, pretty good, huh? (laughing): You let us murder someone.
How did you? Well, we knew you'd demand real booze - if we had Paul make home brew.
- PAUL: What? But I brewed the ale in good faith, independent of the scheming.
It led us to where Paul F.
Tompkins would be waiting.
And you, sir I knew eight years of stage combat would pay off.
Plus, I make my own squibs.
- Oh.
- So, you and Edgar aren't Working together anymore? No.
So, with this, you are free.
And you promise not to go to DB Industries' HR department with any more allegations of alleged abuse.
Got to say, that disgusting threesome runner you guys made up? I almost broke, like, five times.
(chuckles) Oh.
We are not leaving you behind.
- Calm the fuck down.
- Okay.
What? Mexico? I thought you hated change.
(chuckles) I suppose there might be some circumstances in life that do change things, like murder.
Or kids.
Right.
Or murder.
(sighs) Congrats on knocking up my big sister, you stud.
(exhales) I heartily apologize.
It's okay.
- Sister fucker.
- (both laugh) Ew, you made my sister come.
- (both laugh) - Ew.
No, don't make me laugh.
Tears will feed the yeast.
- (groans) - (laughs) GRETCHEN: Anytime You're feeling lonely Anytime You're feeling blue Anytime You feel downhearted That will prove your love To me is true Anytime You're thinking 'bout me That's the time I'm thinking 'bout you.
So? - Hard-core? - Ugh.
- Hard-core.
- (laughs) - One plot hole.
- Hmm? How did you know we'd shoot him? Ah, we didn't know for sure, but you did.
You killed him to save me.
Ultimate bad boy move, huh? - Yeah.
- (chuckles) Wait, where'd you get the gun? Oh, your dad bought it when he came to visit, remember? You've had a gun in your room since then? - Mm-hmm.
- Wow.
I've called you some truly awful things this past year.
You could've just ended it all.
- Well, yeah, I mean - The constant nay-saying, the endless cooking and cleaning, the irrational subservience.
With a simple twitch of your finger, the misery could have ceased forever.
And still, you chose not to kill yourself.
Bravo, Edgar.
Hey, I'm sorry about the script, Jimmy, but you can't turn it in.
(groans) I suspected it wasn't very good.
Will you help me fix it? (laughs): Yeah.
I'll call the studio, say you're consulting.
- Cowriting.
- Fine.
Just promise you'll never lie to me again.
I promise.
Gretchen's been stealing meds from my medicine cabinet, - a ton of them, for weeks now.
- So what? She loves pills.
No.
This is the serious stuff.
And I don't think it's for fun this time.
We talked till late that night I walked her home Debating gun rights We put our differences aside Under the parking lights Two years soon passed She sent a picture from Spain On a stone street, a seedling Was growing in a storm drain Familiar plight