Arrested Development s05e10 Episode Script

1 [BUSTER AND OSCAR.]
Inside, outside, inside, outside, inside, outside, inside, outside, inside, outside, inside, outside [RON.]
Having taken Stan hostage, Oscar and Buster believed they were on a flight from justice.
- Who is this guy? - I don't know inside but I don't like the looks of him outside He's a friend, just saying hi.
What do I do? Okay, no funny business.
Inside - Yeah, don't be a hero.
- Outside [STAN.]
Do I say hi? What do I do? All right, acting natural and stopping in three, two, one.
[ALL.]
Hello.
Ah.
Hurt your hand? Tell him to [BLEEP.]
off.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, to F off, twinkle toes.
Tell him to F off.
Let me handle this.
Call the police.
Ow! My son is coming in from Ojai next Tuesday.
- [ALL.]
Ah.
- [OSCAR.]
Leading with the inside.
- Three, two, one.
- [BUSTER AND OSCAR.]
Goodbye.
- Call the police.
- [BOTH.]
Inside, outside, inside, outside [RON.]
Now the story of a wealthy family who lost everything, and the one son who had no choice but to keep them all together.
[THEME SONG PLAYING.]
It's Arrested Development.
[REBEL.]
Fakeblock is gonna change the world.
[RON.]
After George Michael's girlfriend expressed interest in seeing his business Which reminds me, I'm dying to see it.
he was desperate for a way out.
[MAEBY.]
Why don't you just tell Rebel - she can't see the company? - Then she's gonna know I'm not a tech entrepreneur named George Maharis.
[RON.]
Fortunately, his uncle inspired a solution.
- They're paid protestors, boy! - [RON.]
Unfortunately Do you think they could be Anonymous, like Guy Fawkses? Gob had a different interpretation - of what a Guy Fawkes was.
- [REBEL.]
Foxy guys.
[RON.]
And when he found his deception falling apart, George Michael was in for a pleasant surprise.
Fakeblock's incredible.
Fakeblock is Yeah, Fakeblock is real.
Yeah.
[RON.]
And so, he went to thank a cousin who was in the middle of a deception.
[GEORGE MICHAEL.]
I was this close to telling Rebel the whole truth: that you fired everyone months ago, and the thing is a fraud.
Then we open the doors, and the place is abuzz.
She totally bought it.
She wants to invest now.
I don't know how you did it, but it was great.
You got people there for the day.
I didn't hire anybody for the day.
Then where did those people come from? The place was wall-to-wall nerds.
Yeah, this is making sense.
Those people that you saw didn't come in for the day.
They never left.
Remember when I said I fired everybody? What I did was, I asked Joan in HR to fire everybody for me.
Then, so I didn't have to make two phone calls, I fired her there on the spot.
So you fired the person in charge of Firing.
Yes.
So, you know, you fire the person in HR last.
That's the lesson here.
But, hey, this is how you learn in business, am I right? We're still somehow paying these people? Well, we're not paying Joan in HR.
Gotta give me credit for that one.
Well, we're not gonna have any more credit at all.
That explains why Maeby's credit cards aren't working.
Maeby's credit cards? Oh, sorry.
The minute I put the teeth in, I become a completely different person.
[CHUCKLES.]
Speaking of which, there's your solution.
We both have alter egos, and I think it's about time we killed them off.
What do you say? George Maharis can have a heart attack.
- Maeby gets hit by a bus.
- [GEORGE MICHAEL.]
Killing off Maeby? - Yup, see you.
- I know Annette can be forgetful, but she remembers Maeby is the dominant personality, right? Hey, I got a pretty sweet setup here.
Okay? I finally got rid of my beloved Stan.
He's in the hospital, massive head injury.
Free rent.
New neighbors every six to eight months.
Also, Maeby doesn't even have a high school diploma.
Not a good move, given the world my generation is leaving hers.
I'm glad it's easy for you, but me and George Maharis - have the same teeth.
- [CHUCKLES.]
People are gonna figure it out.
If I'm not arrested for fraud, I'll be in debt for life.
- I'm gonna end up in my old bedroom.
- Yeah.
It's six o'clock.
I'm already an hour and a half late for dinner.
And I'm sorry if I'm repeating myself, but, uh Annette, she like-a the pasta, hmm? How did you ever find me? [RON.]
Later that day, Michael heard a noise coming from his son's old bedroom and was surprised to discover that, this time, it was his son.
It's you.
What are you doing in your bedroom? Playing a game where I just throw the tennis ball against the wall and try and catch it.
And then if I miss it, I Uh, feel pretty bad and beat myself up, and then I kind of try and move past that and get back on the horse.
Okay.
Son, I I meant, what what what are you doing back in your old room? Um that's just a minor regression.
[WOMEN.]
Minor regression Well, I guess I was actually just trying to go back to a simpler time.
When I was a young boy and all I cared about were simple things like what does it take to be a good citizen and am I gonna be able to fall asleep tonight, or am I getting too wound up - about this good citizen stuff? - Well, George Michael, you've always been such a funny little guy, you know.
Of course it make sense now, you being a computer genius.
Speaking of which, question: I'm trying to gather as much capital as possible to help out Dad, but I think that they're hiding something.
I mean, they've got secret bookkeeping, and, um, came across this file here called "Gated Community.
" Each time I try to print it, I get this root warning, - you know - Doesn't look like it came from a normal printer, actually.
It's not, no, I sent it to the Smile Maker.
It's a dental printer.
Okay.
That explains that toothbrush next to the warning sign.
And you see how they spelled "byte" without a y.
- No, this is for dentists.
- Listen to you.
This is why you have a billion-dollar software company and your old man has to hit "popcorn" on the microwave any time I want to heat something up.
You hit "heat," then hit "time," then Mine does not work that way.
But popcorn sounds good.
Let's go make some of that.
Come on.
[RON.]
Unbeknownst to the guys, and directly over their heads, Tobias had just experienced his own snack problems.
I knew it.
[SIGHS.]
Okay.
I had nine gummy bears wrapped in tinfoil here, and the tinfoil is still here, but, uh, I'm super confused.
Do we have magic gummy bears that just get up and walk away? Yeah, one got up and walked right into my mouth.
What're you gonna do about it? [RON.]
And the cramped quarters had his makeshift family feeling on edge.
Oh, I can go downstairs, maybe go to a store.
No! I'm the provider for this family.
If anyone gets to leave, it's me.
Yeah, you're good at that, Dad.
You're good at leaving.
It It's kind of your thing, actually.
Hey, I don't have to crouch here for this Ow! [GROANS.]
I just don't understand why we're still here.
- [TOBIAS.]
Shh! - Why are we hiding? Yeah, I thought you said you were the sticky white glue that this family sniffs together.
All right, look, we're in a bad situation here.
But, I've been jammed with bigger things in tighter spots than this.
Ah.
We just need better living conditions.
Isn't that what the Bluth Company does? No, you fuck Oh! - Mmm - Uh-huh, uh-huh.
- Mm-hmm.
- [DEBRIE.]
Uh-huh.
[RON.]
Oscar and Buster, meanwhile, had found a new place to live.
[OSCAR.]
This is a great pad.
I know.
This is what we in the Bluth family - call a "Don't Tell Michael.
" - [ALL LAUGH.]
[RON.]
But their new roommate wanted out.
Maybe I'll go make us some popcorn.
Oh.
Are we gonna go in the kitchen? We're gonna, I don't know, boil some hot oil? [LAUGHS.]
Nice try, bitch.
Yeah, nice try, B.
- I'd love some popcorn, please.
- [OSCAR.]
Hey, smart guy.
Can we watch a movie, or just leave the lights on so we can't see you? We can stay up late if you want and watch it, or something.
- [WOMAN.]
Thanks for dinner, Annette.
- [DOOR RATTLES.]
[MAEBY.]
See you next time, Bev.
I thought you said you lived here alone.
It's my old lady.
Leave her out of it, please? She's a very sweet person.
She's smiling all the time, even when she sleeps.
[MAEBY.]
I always get the wrong key.
- On my cue, rising.
- [BUSTER.]
Mm [OSCAR.]
And in three, two, one.
[ALL.]
Inside, outside.
Inside, outside.
Inside, outside.
Outside.
Inside, outside.
You blow our cover, - and she's a goner.
- [WHIMPERING.]
Inside, outside.
[RATTLING.]
Run, Annette, run! [GASPS.]
Maeby? - Why'd he call you Annette? - [GASPS.]
- [ALARM BLARING.]
- Huh? [GRUNTS.]
[GASPS.]
Hand.
[BOTH.]
Inside, outside.
Inside, outside.
And this is why I told you to buy the safety hair.
[RON.]
While Maeby was hoping to erase memories [MAEBY.]
Now I gotta drink the evidence.
back at the model home, Michael was bonding with his son.
You know? You're dating the girl of my dreams.
Your dreams.
You know? What I meant was, my dreams are your dreams.
Have you ever noticed that dreams are hard to remember? There's one I can't forget.
The dream of us working together.
Do you remember how we wanted to make sure we could hang out all day every day? - Like you and your dad.
- That was not a dream.
Think I wanted to hang out with my father? That was a job.
No, but listen, I want you to know that I'm available to you 24 hours a day, any time you want, to talk about business.
And don't think I can't handle the tech stuff.
I spent those five and a half weeks up at the Search campus.
I'm texting with one hand, you've seen that.
Well, my problems are not that easily solved.
- Oh, yeah? - Turns out, we're way more in debt than I thought we were.
- Same here.
[LAUGHS SOFTLY.]
- Yeah.
I I'm suddenly running the Bluth Company, and they're up to something.
I don't know what it is, but we're broke.
It's just, these offices are just wiping us out.
And same here.
Gob's got us on two floors now.
Trying to get my employees to describe what they're doing is like pulling teeth.
I think there are a couple of Two Hour Teeth guys still on the payroll.
No one will confirm, but I'm convinced that in the break room, there's still an active chair.
Anyway, despite all of this, you and I are gonna get through this.
You want to know why? The Bluth boys, we find a way.
- We're winners.
- Agreed.
Hey, so, non sequitur, what do you know about bankruptcy? You know, I was just checking into that.
[CHUCKLES.]
No, look.
I don't know what else I can do.
Dad said go in there and save the company, find money.
But despite all their shady bookkeeping, there's nothing left.
There's just there's Sudden Valley.
That's it.
The one thing that was mine.
Well, and whatever's in that file, that "Gated Community," but but you're different.
You're right at the beginning.
You shouldn't be thinking about bankruptcy at all, you know? Can't you get a loan? [SIGHS.]
Well, I mean, Rebel offered to buy the whole company outright.
- Oh, you can't do that.
- No.
I mean - Forget about that.
- What if the software - Is worth billions? - never works? It doesn't seem likely.
- These expenses are just killing us.
- Hey, hang on.
Uh, I think I got a solution for both of us.
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS.]
- And open your eyes.
- Was I supposed to close them? Hmm? Oh, yeah.
Well, anyway, these are the offices.
What do you think? Oh, 'cause you're on the fourth floor now.
I Yeah, you set up Fakeblock here.
It's free rent.
I don't know, I mean, you know, this was your office.
This was where you were president.
Where decisions were made that you Eventually found out about.
But but, look, you know, this was our dream, right? To work together? Do you remember - all the dreaming we did? - Yeah.
Have lunch together.
Work out in the late afternoon.
That's right, we were gonna put a weight room - in the back office.
- You know it, yeah.
Drive home together, shower up, grab dinner, - PJs on, teeth brushed.
- A little TV.
A little bit of TV, sure, and then a little kiss good night and off to bed.
You know, I am just realizing that I'm still picturing you as a ten-year-old.
I think I was trying to engineer a way to stay up late and watch The Tom Green Show.
Mm, yeah, see, I don't get the new guys.
Anyway, it can be a new dream, then, you know? I'll be able to come here all the time.
You'll be able to pop up whenever.
I'm not sure it's a good idea, you know? - Yeah.
- I'm feeling anxious as it is.
This is just gonna be great, isn't it? It's gonna be so much fun! [RON.]
George Michael wasn't the only one who felt shackled to his father.
[BUSTER AND OSCAR.]
Inside, outside, inside, outside, inside, outside, inside - [BUSTER.]
Hello.
- [OSCAR.]
Oh, no.
- [GIRL.]
Ew! - Waving with righty.
We've discussed this.
- [BUSTER.]
Sorry.
- [OSCAR.]
There's gotta be a way we can cover more ground without attracting attention.
Oh, I've got the perfect idea for that.
[BUSTER AND OSCAR.]
Wet side, dry side, wet side, dry side, wet side, dry side - Okay.
- [MUTTERS.]
Are you all right? We should have taken the tandem bike.
[OSCAR.]
Nah.
Never would have fit in here.
- [BUSTER GASPS.]
- [OSCAR.]
Oh, I see what you mean.
[RON.]
George Michael was showing his cousin the new Fakeblock offices.
[GEORGE MICHAEL.]
He wants me to help him print things, and I I will say the other place had more of a tech start-up vibe.
Yeah, but the fraud part will be more at home here, you know? Yeah.
If these walls could only testify, huh? [CHUCKLES.]
I don't understand the problem.
I thought Rebel said she was gonna buy the company.
Well, I'm not gonna sell a bogus company to my girlfriend.
Why not? It's the perfect way to end a terrible relationship.
It's not terrible.
It's it's a great relationship.
Yes, but it won't be once you sell her a shitty company.
That's what I'm trying to tell you.
You're more impossible to talk to than Annette.
- You talk to Annette? - No.
But Stan does.
And as much as we try to infuriate him, he won't get the hint.
What do I gotta do, hit him on the head? But, next thing you know, he's back from the hospital.
- So you actually did hit him? - Yeah, just with a wine bottle, but it wasn't open.
I guess I could do it again, but I just can't send him back to the ER again, you know? Three times in one week.
People are gonna start asking, you know, elderly abuse? [SIGHS.]
Which apparently is a real thing.
I guess all old people are this annoying.
Well, so, I've looked into selling the company to somebody else, but the thing is that tech companies don't normally sell without a whole lot of vetting.
And anyone I've talked to will only do it if the president stays on, so before we find a clueless buyer, we're gonna have to find a clueless president.
And it's not gonna be me.
Someone that's stupid and lazy enough that he doesn't ask any questions - about the actual software.
- Oh, I love how you're assuming it's a he.
[GOB.]
I know what you're thinking! Look who's back.
After your father unceremoniously let me quit.
Now I'm back down on the third floor without so much as a "feel free to use the third floor" joke.
[TAKES DEEP BREATH.]
Anyway what are you two doing down here after a long mid-weekend? Well, Dad said we could use the offices for Fakeblock.
He actually said, "Feel free to use the third floor.
" Mm.
Now I'm glad I gave one of those offices away.
- You gave an office away? - Well, just one of the smaller ones.
You won't even know it's being used.
[CHUCKLES.]
[TOBIAS.]
because an actor's body is his instrument.
Come get my shower ready and then take over - on the elliptical.
- I'm on it.
I got it.
No, you can't take another shower.
I'm still in socks, and I'm about to serve food.
Well, what's for dinner? Turkey jerky, popcorn, - and leftover Jeff.
- Aw.
There's no Linda left? You know, I don't want to jinx it, but this certainly is better than living in that attic, yes? - Oh, definitely.
- It's so great, Dad.
And what's our number one rule? [BOTH.]
Don't tell Michael.
Well, yes, but I also meant, 88 more days, and squatter's rights kick in.
88 days and squatter's rights kick in [ALL.]
88 days and squatter's rights kick in 88 days and squatter's rights This is going too fast now.
Murphybrown, this is going too fast.
- All right, sorry.
- Switch it back.
Oh! - [TOBIAS YELLING.]
- [DEBRIE.]
Oh, God! Oh, God! Anyway, I'm just stopping by here 'cause this is where my e-mail comes.
[MAEBY.]
You could check your e-mail anywhere.
Uh, yeah, e-mail, but this is g-mail.
down here on the third floor set it up for me, and then when we moved to the fourth, I was like, screw it, I'll just come down here to check it, 'cause I don't want wires going everywhere.
You can use your phone for that.
Yeah, and I could use a pigeon.
But for this particular task, I've chosen e-mail.
[GRUNTS.]
Anyway, I sent my résumé out, and the only firm that's gotten back to me is the gang over at Mailer Daemon.
Aw, damn it! God, missed him again.
It seems like they write me back every time I step away from this thing.
Well, on the other hand, this is on them, 'cause I made it clear that I was looking for a three-day-a-week president job, and why why [LAUGHING, STAMMERING.]
[BREATHY LAUGHING.]
[EXHALING REPEATEDLY.]
Why-why when when what kind of when what ? You're looking for a president job? [GASPING, STAMMERING.]
- I'll be damned, it is a he.
- Who e-mails back What? At Wednesday at nap? [GEORGE MICHAEL.]
Hey, Gob, we want to beat Mailer Daemon to the punch.
Come to Fakeblock.
Be our president.
[GEORGE MICHAEL.]
You won't need to get your e-mail redelivered.
Yeah.
You already know the lay of the office.
You won't have to learn new snacks.
[MAEBY.]
And everybody knows you, so there won't be gaining everyone's respect.
And the best part is, you get paid in stock.
Right.
Money never has to change hands.
I'm listening.
- That's it.
We're done talking.
- Mm-hmm.
Can I get back to you? - Yeah.
- I'm in.
- Great! - Well, looks like I'm gonna need that office space after all.
This is not gonna be an easy conversation.
[TOBIAS, MUFFLED.]
But mostly thankful for the one man who made this all possible.
Who took this ragtag, talented troupe of a family and and put a roof over their head, Jeff in their mouth, and gave us the dignity to move as we will after work hours.
- To my brother-in-law Gob.
- [DOOR OPENS.]
Long may I need you guys out of here.
And we're on the move again.
I don't want to go back to living in that attic.
And the heat made me like, "What's happening? Who are you?" - We'll figure something out, Murphybrown.
- Okay, I hate to be the one to suggest it, but I know about a tent city.
Well, there you go.
We're down a rung, but we're down a rung together.
[GOB.]
Thanks, guys.
My first day as president, and kicking people out makes it makes it seem real.
[TOBIAS.]
Oh, Gob.
Something came for you.
[GOB.]
Hmm.
Powerful Gay Tastemakers? [TOBIAS.]
The Gay Mafia.
- What? - That's the Gay Mafia.
Surely you've heard of them.
Very flattering.
That's the real deal.
[GOB.]
I wonder if this is from Tony.
Maybe this is how he's trying to reach out to me.
Wow.
So I guess I guess sometimes things do work out, after all.
- So we can stay? - No.
For me.
Things work out for me.
[RON.]
And while things were working out for Gob, upstairs, things were not working out so well - for Michael.
- Remember, Mom doesn't want me to see the file, so I guess this is what you'd call a - Don't tell Gangee.
- You see the fun we have? I know you do.
Come on, the printer's in here.
So, it is a three-dimensional printer, but I've just let it go all day.
What is this? Is this the printer you sent the file to? Uh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
I think so.
The the file that was labeled "Gated Community.
" I think that this is a map that they did not want me to see.
It looks like a wall on the border, but made out of teeth? She's crazy.
She's totally crazy.
That might be a setting in the printer.
Let me see what we have here.
Yeah.
See? Right here.
You have to uncheck "Presume Teeth.
" This is what they need me to find money for.
This is their secret project, huh? Well, there's only one way to find out for sure.
Uncheck "Presume Teeth.
" And print again.
[RON.]
And as they went to do so, Gob went to meet with the Gay Mafia, hoping to run into his old friend Tony Wonder.
Are there any tastemakers? - Tastemakers? - You sold a French Regency armoire, and you don't think I'm gonna hear? I want my taste.
If not Listen to this.
[TAPPING.]
- Mmm.
- That was me tap-dancing on your grave, all right? Yeah, I think I'm in the wrong place.
- I was looking for a guy named Tony.
- No, Mr.
Bluth.
You're exactly in the right place.
Take a seat.
No, yeah, you know what? I I'm fine.
We wanted to congratulate you on your coming out.
So brave.
- So brave.
- So brave.
So brave.
But you know what? Thank you.
It's - The struggle is - Oh, shut up.
We know you're as straight as an Oklahoma highway.
They're straight, right? I wouldn't know.
I've never been in Oklahoma.
You were in Oklahoma! You're right.
In the bus and truck.
You're doin' fine, Oklahoma Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A Oklahoma Is that a song? I You're straight.
No, no, no.
I'm I'm gay.
Yeah, sure, because of your trick.
[RON.]
Gob had recently performed a sexuality switch illusion at a parade.
It ended unexpectedly when his partner had a premature emulsification.
This left Gob publicly out of the closet Who's straight now? with no way back in and a sexual identity the magician's code precluded him from undoing.
[MAN.]
Well, that son of a buck gonna have to stay gay.
[MAN.]
Unfortunately for you, we also caught your appearance on that religious program And As It Is Such, So Also As Such It Is what is it? - "Unto you," boss.
- [MAN.]
Unto You.
- Yes.
- [RON.]
Where Gob announced he was seeking Christian sexuality conversion To Christianity! so he could find a plausible way To not being into guys, I guess.
You are talking about praying away the gay.
to lead a public life - as a straight man.
- Well, yeah, I Sure, I guess it could get me off.
- I mean, out.
- [MAN.]
That sends a message that conversion therapy works, which will hurt us.
And we're the ones doing the hurting.
Oh, right, then there'd be less gays that would suck the gays out.
- [MAN.]
No.
- I mean, off.
[MAN.]
Because it's a destructive sham that thinks that homosexuality can be cured through shame and fear, you pathetic little dipshit.
You're right, I hear you.
And I'll cancel my appointment.
I'll lose my deposit, but right is right.
It's too late for that.
You said on TV you're going into conversion therapy, so you are going to go.
And then you're going to announce it didn't work.
So I have to stay gay? Just for seven years.
Then we'll let you age out.
It's a lot more generous than what I did to that last guy who faked being gay.
You know him.
Your pal Tony Wonder.
Don't worry.
We took care of him.
Didn't we, boys? - [MAN 2.]
We sure did.
- [MAN 3.]
We sure did.
[MAN.]
Now, do as you're told, and you will have made some very powerful friends.
- In case you ever need a favor.
- [GOB.]
Austero.
Yes, I think I was shacking up with your ex-wife.
She was my sister.
My apologies.
Think I was shacking up with your sister.
Maybe he is gay.
[GOB.]
You know, I hope you don't think I mean, I Listen, I want you to know, my brother probably didn't have anything to do with your sister's disappearance.
I'm not worried about it.
To be honest, we fought all the time, so it's probably better for our relationship that she's no longer around.
Tell me about it.
My sister and I don't get along, either.
She just left Now that you know about our organization, we're going to ask for a little insurance to make sure - you will always be loyal to us.
- [SNAPS FINGERS.]
Since you're so good at magic, why don't you make that disappear.
Is that what I think it is? - Yes, it's what you think it is.
- Yeah.
We got as much of the cement off as we could.
Don't need it traced back to us.
You mention this to anyone, and this is the last sound you're going to hear.
- [TAPPING.]
- You're gonna tap-dance on my grave? Oh, hell, you saw the matinee.
Out you go.
Chop-chop.
I want it off my floor and somewhere no one will find it.
I don't have all day.
I've got to get out of these work clothes.
I have house seats for Chita Rivera tonight.
I don't know who he is.
Stupid day to take an Uber.
[RON.]
On the next Arrested Development.
Tobias's family settles in at a tent city.
Looks like your old man came through with that camping trip.
Although we should stay together - just to be safe.
- [DEBRIE.]
That's right.
[WHISPERING.]
We need to keep a low profile.
Tent City is all about survival.
[WHISPERING.]
So I say we just hunker down, okay? I bet this place gets a lot quieter after dark.
[BIRDS CHIRPING.]
Also, we could always go to the food court.
[DEBRIE.]
Oh, and maybe we can ask them to turn down the birds.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING.]