Bewitched (1964) s05e10 Episode Script

All right, Tabitha.
Now, listen to this.
She's a very special doll.
- My name is Baby Whisper.
- Cute, huh? Did you make her talk, Mommy? No, sweetheart, mortals did.
They're catching up with us, Tabitha.
Let me make her talk, Mommy.
Okay.
Pull the string.
- I'm very, very hungry.
- Let's feed her.
Yeah, well, we would, but we're fresh out of doll food.
I'm very sleepy too.
She's right.
It's time for her nap and yours.
I'm not sleepy, she is.
Well, let's put her to bed and while we're up there, you lie down next to her.
I'm a big girl now.
I can put myself to bed.
Well, all right.
Come on.
But one peep out of either one of you, and I'm coming right up, okay? Okay, Mommy.
I lik e you.
Uncle Arthur, what are you doing in there? You turn me on.
You better come out, or I'll turn you off.
How about a kiss, baby? Do you really want a kiss, or are you just stringing me along? Very good, Sammy.
You're learning from your Uncle Arthur.
And now let me get a good look at you.
My, you're putting on a little weight.
Not very nice, Sammy.
I laughed at your joke, bad as it was.
Anyway, I'm really here to see Tabitha.
I brought the little princess a birthday present.
- But it's not her birthday.
- I know.
It's his.
Uncle Arthur.
- He's adorable.
Where'd you get him? - In a thunderstorm.
It was raining cats and dogs.
And you stepped in a poodle.
Not bad, Sammy.
It'd have been funnier if I'd said it.
- I hope he's trained.
- Only to kill.
Oh, hi, Louise.
What a pleasant surprise.
Pleasant? My whole world is crumbling.
I'm crushed, destroyed.
I guess "pleasant" wasn't exactly the right word.
May I come in for a while? I wanna talk to you.
- Of course.
- Thank you, Samantha.
You're my only friend.
You may not believe this, Samantha.
It's gonna come as quite a shock to you, but Oh, I didn't know you had company.
- Louise, you know my Uncle Arthur.
- Of course.
How are you? Hi.
Excuse me for not getting up, but my feet are killing me.
How nice.
There's still some humour left in this world.
Even if it's bad.
Fortunately, I didn't hear that.
Where's my fella? Now, Louise, you just come right in here.
Sit down, take off your shoes, relax and tell me all about it.
Oh, it's nothing really.
It's just that my marriage to Larry has come to an end.
I mean it, Samantha.
I never wanna see Larry again as long as I live.
Well, I've heard all about that, Louise.
What you haven't told me is what started all this.
A volleyball game.
A volleyball game? Yesterday, we went to the beach to visit some friends and we decided to play volleyball.
Well, Larry was a captain, and he picked his side.
- So? - Don't you understand, Samantha? My own husband didn't pick me! Louise, volleyball is not grounds for divorce in this state.
Larry, it's your fault.
Why didn't you pick her for your team in the first place? - Because I wanted to win.
- That's no reason.
Oh, no? Have you ever seen Louise play volleyball? - Her best shot is ducking.
- Larry, you don't understand.
To a wife, it's not how she plays the game, it's who picks her.
Sure.
Sure.
Now you've got all the answers.
But where were you when we chose up sides? Oh, Samantha, do you mind if I go upstairs and lie down? That's a good idea, Louise.
You rest a while, and we'll talk later.
You stay right there, fella.
Sammy, I've got to go.
I don't wanna be late for the ostrich derby.
I'm riding the favourite.
Now, make up your mind.
Are you gonna keep the puppy I brought for Tabitha or not? That's not an easy question, Uncle Arthur.
A dog is a big responsibility, for the whole family.
Personally, I'd love to keep him, but I can't speak for Darrin.
- Of course you can.
- No.
You see, you don't understand.
That's the way it is with Darrin and me.
We respect each other's wishes.
Darrin can't speak for me and I can't speak for Darrin.
Go on, Sammy.
Tell me again you can't speak for Darrin.
Uncle Arthur, it's not funny! Well, it's just a little practical joke.
What's happened to your sense of humour? It's gone, with my voice! Now, put it back! Oh, all right, all right, Sammy.
Don't get all steamed up.
Your voice is back.
Go ahead.
Speak, killjoy.
Uncle Arthur, your i Idea of joy is my idea of a double-cross.
Honest, Sammy, I meant to put your voice back, and I will if I can find it.
Another double.
Come on, Larry.
Another double isn't going to help anybody.
Except the bartender.
Look at the tab I've run up.
You should be out right now looking for Louise.
What the devil happened to your voice? I think I have a frog in my throat.
- Yeah.
A girl frog.
- I'll see you later, Larry.
Uncle Arthur, you've done some pretty dumb things in your time but this takes the cake.
I'm sorry, Sammy.
If you want me to concentrate, don't talk.
You break me up.
I'm sorry, Samantha.
Honest.
I'm trying.
I just can't figure out where your voice went.
- Sam? Sam? - There it is.
You! That explains everything.
Look what he's done to me.
Samantha, say something.
Yes.
Yes, Sammy.
Say something.
Come on, Sam! Let's not make a big thing out of this, Darrin.
But it figures.
If you've got Sammy's voice, she'd naturally have yours.
- You've got mine? - I'm afraid so, sweetheart.
- You're not an uncle.
You're an ogre.
- What are you so excited about? This speaks well of your marriage.
What's yours is hers, and what's hers is yours.
Look, I may have Sam's voice, but I still have my own fist.
You wave that fist at me once more, and I'll bronze it right on your wrist.
Darrin, sweetheart.
Uncle Arthur, it was a very funny joke, and we all enjoyed it.
Didn't we, sweetheart? Yeah.
All right.
Let's break the spell.
Screech, hoot owls Toot, ferry boats Hold it.
Is it "ferry boats" or "nanny goats"? I can't remember.
- Just ignore it.
- Now, where was I? You were deciding between "ferry boats" and "nanny goats.
" Samantha, wasn't that the doorbell? No, Louise.
I don't think so.
Oh, Darrin, I didn't know you were home.
Louise? What's she doing here? If you brought that beast of the volleyball court with you you just tell him from me, I'm not here.
- Get on with it.
- Let's not get huffy.
Sweetheart.
Please, Uncle Arthur? That's better.
Screech, hoot owls Toot, ferry boats Darrin.
If you won't answer the door, at least answer the window.
Oh, I'm sorry to intrude, but I've got to talk to you, man-to-man.
Come on in.
Join the party.
Can't talk? Laryngitis? Samantha, was that Larry's voice I heard? Darrin, you've got Louise in there.
Traitor! That is Larry! You did bring him home! Well, you can just tell him from me, I'm not here! Louise, Larry knew you were here.
He just Can't talk, eh? What are you trying to do, make a monkey out of me? - That's a fun thought.
- Uncle Arthur, don't you dare! Darrin, if Louise wants to stay here you can have her, but you're no friend of mine.
You're not even my employee, you Benedict Arnold! You old meanie! Fired.
I've lost my job, I've lost my voice and now I think I'm losing my mind.
Sweetheart, just hold on a little bit longer.
It'll all work out.
Uncle Arthur: Screech, hoot owls And toot, ferry boats? Now, just a second.
You both are forgetting one important thing.
There's a little puppy outside, all alone waiting for a little girl like Tabitha to love him.
Listen to him ranting about puppies at a time like this! - Puppies count too.
- And I am going to count to three.
Screech, hoot owls And toot, ferry boats Voices, hightail it To each other's throats This better be it.
It is it! I'm me again! You did it, Uncle Arthur.
Sammy, you've got my voice, and I've got yours! Well, as long as it's in the family.
What's so funny? Everybody having a party? Not everybody, just Uncle Arthur.
Well, Larry's gone.
At least that's one thing to celebrate.
Samantha, I just have to talk to you, woman-to-woman.
Oh, Louise.
Sam can't talk woman-to-woman right now.
Since when do you speak for Samantha? Since about 10 minutes ago.
What'd you say, Samantha? Talk to me, Louise.
I can be very understanding when I try.
- And I'm really going to try.
- Well, I don't wanna talk to you.
In fact, I don't wanna talk to any of you.
You're all against me.
Uncle Arthur, if you don't straighten us out I am going to scream so loud and so long you're gonna be hoarse for a month.
All right, all right.
We'll try something different.
I know a million of them.
Cauldrons bubble And slow gin fizz Restore to each The v oice that's his And hers There.
If this is another one of your tricks Worrywart.
Go ahead, Sammy.
Testing.
One, two.
I liked it better before.
The fun's gone out of this party.
- Why don't you follow it? - Sammy, before I leave, ask him.
Sweetheart, Uncle Arthur came to give Tabitha something.
What, a hotfoot? My good man, you underestimate me.
I stopped giving hotfoots Congratulations and goodbye.
Well, the least you can do is shake hands.
Okay.
Sam, he's your uncle.
Do something with him, something terrible! That's gratitude for you.
My puppy and I are leaving.
There's my little killer.
I knew that incantation would work.
I just hope it sticks.
- What'd he mean by that? - Nothing I hope.
I'll send for my things.
Louise, where are you going? - I know when I'm not wanted.
- Louise.
I think it's time for our little woman - to-woman talk.
That's Darrin's voice, and it's coming out of your mouth.
Louise, don't believe everything you hear.
That's Samantha's voice coming out of your mouth! Louise, believe me, there's a logical explanation for all this.
Yes, there is.
I'm going out of my mind, and I'm getting out of this house.
Oh, Larry, am I glad to see you.
No, no.
I'm the one who's glad to see you.
And I apologize.
I've thought it over, and I really am an insensitive boob.
Well, maybe you are, but you're my insensitive boob, and I need you.
- Let's go get your things.
- I'm not going back in that house.
There's something weird going on in there.
Darrin's voice is coming out of Samantha and Samantha's is coming out of Darrin.
You poor kid.
You really did miss me, didn't you? - They're coming in.
- Duck! Don't you worry, sweetheart.
Nothing can happen.
Daddy Bear is here.
- Well, I'm glad somebody's happy.
- Uncle Arthur isn't.
- I don't know what to do.
- Why don't you try apologizing? What are you doing in that picture? I've been framed.
- You get down here this instant.
- Yeah.
Hanging's too good for you.
Sammy, I feel another pout coming on.
Uncle Arthur, Darrin Uncle Arthur, Darrin didn't mean it, really.
You did a beautiful job of getting our voices back.
Now Now if you could just get them to stick.
Stick! That's it! I just forgot the stickum.
Sammy, Darrin, join hands.
- Hurry up.
- Just leave the goals to me.
Voices be nimble Voices be quick Voices return, and this time Stick, stick, stick - And don't come back.
- I heard that.
We're stuck! Watch your step, pussycat.
- We don't want you hurting yourself.
- Yes.
Goodbye, Samantha.
Goodbye, Darrin.
And thank you.
- Thanks for nothing.
- Lar.
Lar! Larry, can I talk to you for a minute? So the cat gave you back your tongue? - Oh, Larry, darling, be kind.
- Oh, all right.
But I'm only doing it for you, my flower blossom.
- What is it? - Over here, Larry, please.
Larry, this whole thing can be explained.
I'm listening.
What Darrin means is that he's glad that our plan worked, for your sake.
- What plan? - Tell him, Sam.
You know, the plan to make Louise feel rejected so that she'd wanna go back to Larry.
Right.
That plan.
- Don't give me that.
- Louise, didn't you feel rejected? - I certainly did.
- See? It worked.
You mean you? You really did that for us? For you and Louise.
And for your marriage.
That's what really counts.
Gee, Darrin, l I don't know what to say.
You son of a gun.
Put her there.
- It's the old football-huddle shake.
- Yeah.
Hurry, love.
Time's flying.
You son of a gun.
- You know what caused this? - What? Three dumb little words from you to Uncle Arthur: "Don't come back.
" Oh, I guess I shouldn't have said that.
Yeah.
Well, there's one consolation: If I have to be stuck with someone, I'm glad it's you.
You son of a gun.
The water's boiling so when I lift up the lid, you put in the spaghetti, okay? No, it isn't okay! How can anything be okay when we're stuck together like this? Sweetheart, look at the bright side.
We do believe in togetherness, don't we? Yeah, but this is ridiculous.
Don't worry.
Uncle Arthur will show up and unstick us.
- Sure.
- Let's not forget he wouldn't have stuck us together if you hadn't insulted him.
- He's rather thin-skinned.
- And thick-skulled.
There you go again.
Now, you're just gonna have to learn to understand Uncle Arthur.
He's really very sweet.
I can remember, when I was a little girl he taught me how to make my first pony.
Now, anybody who did that can't be all bad.
Hold it.
I'm not boiling yet.
He's in there! Quick, turn the heat up! Darrin.
If there's one place you'll never find me it's in hot water.
Over here.
Isn't that sweet? Married five years, and still holding hands.
Yeah.
All right.
Uncle Arthur, you've made your point.
Please? Oh, all right.
Hands be nimble Hands be quick Prepare yourselves And now unstick - Thank you, Uncle Arthur.
- You don't have to thank me, Sammy but he does.
Unless you wanna be married to a 170-pound artichoke.
Thank you.
And I mean it.
Strange as it may seem, you're the best friend I have in Sam's family.
Even with your practical jokes I know you really love us and mean well Let's not get sticky.
But you know, Sammy even though he is a party pooper, I like him.
Too bad he doesn't have a little more sense of humour.
Here's $50 worth.
Don't you get it, dum-dum? "Cents" of humour.
If you think that's funny, you're gonna love this.