Boston Legal s05e10 Episode Script

Previously on Boston Legal.
- Who is this guy? - Melvin Palmer.
[Woman.]
State of Utah versus Denny Crane.
I'll represent the hoot brothers.
For once in your life, let me do the talkin'.
Denny! We were just- - Do you love him? - I think I do.
This man makes partner, or I walk and take my name off the door with me.
- Edwin Poole.
- Denny Crane.
- Name on the door.
- Mine too! - Crane, Poole &- - Schmidt.
[Alarm Chirps.]
Drop the bag and I'll let you live! Do it, bitch! Don't make me cap you! Son, of all the places you could stick me, you may have already stuck me.
- I'd probably be the last to know.
- Drop the bag.
Turnip! For God's sake, what the hell are you- Shirley? - Edwin? - Put that down.
What is wrong with you? I am so sorry, Shirley.
Of all the people to mug- I'll deal with him.
This woman is a dear friend of mine.
Not to mention a partner.
Oh, I'm sorry, ma'am.
- [Chuckles.]
- Edwin, who is this adorable child? He's my foster- Give me that! He's my foster son.
I am so sorry, Shirley.
God, what is wrong with you? - You adopted a son? - Yeah.
It was either that or I take up fly-fishing.
Shame, Turnip, shame.
Look how full your cart is.
No wonder your bottom is so- - Turnip! - Full and plump.
He gets cuter by the second.
Isn't that the truth? Well, that's enough now.
Turnip Graves, Shirley Schmidt.
- Very nice to meet you, ma'am.
- A true pleasure, sir.
Well, it's nice to see you again.
You look great.
And, uh, I'll deal with him.
Come here, you.
Why would you do that and embarrass me like that? [Turnip.]
How was I supposed to know you know the lady? You're not to walk around parking lots sticking people in the buttocks with a knife.
- [Funk.]
- [Man Vocalizing.]
[Man.]
Uh-huh - All right - Boom.
Come on [Lips Pop.]
Come on All right Well, yeah Well, yeah Outlaw What do you mean, you've got plans? - You said you were going out of town.
- I said I might go out of town.
- Didn't invite me, did you? - That's because I never made official plans.
Who are you spending Thanksgiving with? A friend.
You wouldn't like him.
- Who? - It's personal.
- Personal? - You could come too.
I'll ask him.
Who? Technically, it would be Melvin Palmer.
- You must be joking.
- He's a good guy.
You're spending Thanksgiving with Melvin Palmer? - He's a hoot.
- No.
You're putting me on.
Well, I had no place else to go.
And he called, and- When did you become friends with that bobo- - When he saved our asses.
- He did not save our asses.
He saved our asses in Utah.
- Are you being serious? - He's a decent guy.
No, he is not.
He's nothing of the sort.
- Look- - And you're not having dinner with him.
We'll find somewhere else to go.
But you will not-will not be spending Thanksgiving with that vile- - I like him.
- I don't care.
No.
Forget it.
No.
No.
Nope.
- Mugged? - You should have seen the size of the knife.
- Are you okay? - No, I'm fine.
L-I just can't believe it happened.
- Shirley, you have to tell the police.
- No, I don't want to do that.
- Shirley, it was an attempted armed robbery.
- He's nine years old, Carl.
Oh, my God.
Now the homecoming is complete.
Carl Sack.
How are you, my friend? Never liked you.
But what the hey? I can be courteous.
Shirl.
Hi, doll.
Sorry I'm late.
I hit some traffic, not to mention a few pedestrians.
Just mowed 'em right- I can see I've lost you.
Shirley, I don't know what to say other than I'm so sorry.
Edwin, how long have you had that boy? Six months.
I've enrolled him in finishing school.
Not to worry.
What the hell is this? You've sued me already? - Did you read it? - Why would I? It's marked "privileged and confidential.
" Edwin, it was hand-delivered to you because you were meant to read it.
Oh.
Well, that's different.
[Laughs.]
- What does it say? - It says the firm is going broke.
Funny.
[Laughs.]
Love her.
She's- The firm is going broke? But that was two days ago.
Things have changed.
- Oh.
How? - We are broke.
- When you say broke- - Crane, Poole & Schmidt is bankrupt.
We have no money, nada, zilch.
We're busted.
I'll call Congress.
They'll bail us out.
After all, we're rich.
I know Hank Paulson.
Nutty guy.
Hey, that's mine.
It's over, Edwin.
We're done.
I don't know what else to tell you, Edwin, other than- - You can tell me how it happened.
- We had investments in the market.
We had massive receivables from banking industries.
We had to take write-offs.
You just beat the tobacco companies for millions of dollars.
Do you think we'll ever see a penny from that? After all the appeals, that victory's going to end up costing us.
Edwin, we may have to shut our doors.
Do people know? Only a certain few at this point.
So we're really done then? Canceled? Carl may have overstated that.
There are some possibilities.
I still have hope.
I really thought I'd make it back.
I was getting better.
And, uh- Listen.
I bought a turkey.
I'd love to have you over for Thanksgiving on Thursday.
Maybe talk about old times and, uh- Edwin, thank you.
Um, I have plans.
I'm hosting a little thing at my house.
So I'll come to your house then? - Edwin Poole? - He kind of invited himself.
- We were supposed to have a quiet dinner.
- I know.
I'm sorry.
- And his little felon? - Well, he could be joining.
- Shirley.
- I know.
I wanted a quiet evening too.
But somehow he had no place to go.
What was I going to say? - "No" comes to mind.
How about "no"? - Carl.
A nice quiet Thanksgiving dinner.
Just the two of us.
That's how you billed it.
- And how I wanted it.
- Shirley, I've got the research on McClean- - I thought you'd gone to London? - Oh, yes.
I was planning to.
But the airlines screwed up with the tickets.
It's a long story.
So, suffice to say, I'll be staying put.
Well, that's too bad.
I'm having a few people over.
Why don't you come to my house? Oh, I wouldn't want to put you out.
- It wouldn't be any trouble.
- Oh, well, sure.
I'd quite love that.
- Great.
1:00 then.
- Splendid.
Oh.
Would it be possible for me to bring Jerry? I sort of- When I thought that I didn't have plans- - Jerry would be more than welcome.
- Thank you.
I'll go tell him.
- Sorry.
- Idea of spending a day alone with me, you just can't bear it.
Oh, you know that's not true.
Can't we just look at this as a gathering of a big, dysfunctional family? Can we do that? - What about us? - We can be dysfunctional.
- Here.
- Thank you.
- You okay? - Yeah, I'm- I'm fine.
I just tend to get a little stressed when I host parties.
- Do you not remember? - It's just a dinner.
It is a Thanksgiving dinner.
And let's face it.
With this particular group, the possibilities for catastrophe- - Oh! - Hey.
What- - We're off to a good start.
- Yeah.
[Carl.]
Come on.
- Ah.
- Surprise.
Hey.
Turnip, you too.
And what were you doing staring in my window? Is this how it's gonna be? Dump on Turnip day? Hi, Turnip.
Hi.
I'm Mr.
Sack.
I've heard a lot about you.
Hands on the wall.
- Oh, come on! - Now don't worry.
I do this to everybody.
- Try not to enjoy yourself, pops.
- Oh, come on.
- Hello, welcome.
Hello.
Mr.
Poole.
- Hey! - Can I take that? - Thank you, Carl.
- What a beautiful home.
- Oh, thank you very much.
- Is it all paid for? - Turnip! Not a bad question actually, considering- - Edwin.
Here, give me your coats.
- [Carl.]
Uh-huh.
- Let me take those.
- Are we late? - No.
You're perfectly on time.
- [Carl.]
Happy Thanksgiving.
- Thank you so much, Alan.
- Edwin, when they let you out? - [Edwin.]
Didn't.
- [Turnip.]
Turnip.
- [Katie.]
Hello.
- Uh, well, shall we, um, go to the table? - Already? - Now? Small talk and mingling and picking at the turkey when nobody's looking.
- I don't think I can get through this.
- You will get through this.
- What if I'm not smoking- - [All Chattering At Once.]
Time-out! Uh, the food is hot and, um, the table's set.
Thank God for G.
P.
S.
That's the first thing I'm gonna be thankful for.
- How you doing, Jerry? - You invited him? Wow.
Looks like you've eaten already.
[Snorts.]
You must be Shirley Schmidt.
I googled you good.
That's what I did.
You need to update your head shot.
Who's the little guy? - Edwin Poole.
- Melvin Palmer.
How are we doing, sport? - Don't touch me! - [Denny.]
I've got an extra chair.
I didn't get my hug yet.
That's what I didn't get.
I'll start with you, Al.
- You big hoot.
Come here.
Oh, man! - All right.
This is like Old Home Week.
That's what this is like.
Get in here, Denny.
- [Lips Popping.]
- Thanks, Denny.
[Groans.]
All right, now look.
It's probably a good thing, whoever that person is.
- Why is it a good thing? - He seems like a bit of an icebreaker.
Icebreaker? The man could have saved the Titanic.
Who the hell is that guy? You said you like a little noise and chaos.
Seems he'll be able to contribute to that.
Oh.
This is gonna be such a disaster.
It's not going to be a disaster.
All right, look.
I'm gonna go out there.
I'll get everybody.
I'll get them to the table.
You take a second to collect yourself.
Then you come in.
All right? It's gonna be great.
It's gonna be a splendid day.
Okay? - Look at the size of that.
- [Denny.]
Yeah.
- [Carl.]
Lovely.
- [Edwin.]
Oh, my.
[Chuckles.]
- [All Chattering.]
- [Jerry.]
Big turkey.
- [Melvin.]
That is a glorious bird.
- [Jerry.]
Oh, wow.
- Uh, okay.
- Good idea.
Let's drink.
Uh, Denny.
I just wanted to say how nice it is to have all of you here.
- The food looks positively delicious.
- I don't know where to start.
You can start with a moment of silence, Melvin.
Or maybe an hour.
[Laughs.]
Double hoot.
That's what you are.
- I'm a double hoot now.
- Perhaps we should pray.
- Maybe for peace.
- Or start with grace.
Any volunteers, or shall l- I'll say grace.
Okay.
- Dear God- - [Denny.]
No, no, no, no, no.
- I think grace is a bad idea.
- Maybe we should skip grace.
- You don't even believe in God.
- I do too.
- The Christian god? - Does it matter? I'm not gonna let you pray to a Muslim god.
Why does he have to be either Christian or Muslim? - He could be Texan.
- Well, ifhe chooses good over evil, he's Christian.
- Why couldn't he beJewish? - Are you nuts? AJewish- - [All Arguing.]
- Hey, hey, hey.
- That's why they threw rocks at him.
- Jewish god, Muslim god.
- Hindu maybe, 'cause they love sheep.
- [Edwin.]
Jew hater! - What? - Edwin.
Edwin.
Enough! Enough! Let's skip grace and let's eat.
And if it's not too much trouble I'd like to have a nice Thanksgiving dinner with no fights.
Can we do that, please? - I'm positively famished.
- [Edwin.]
Thank you.
- [Carl.]
Here we go.
Roll? - Thank you.
So, Turnip, tell me, what do little black kids like to eat? - [Shirley.]
For God's sake, Denny! - [All Groaning.]
- What do black kids like to eat? - [Denny.]
I want to know.
Koreans like Korean food.
Greeks like Greek food.
[All Chattering.]
- That's racist.
- Racist? Yes, racist.
This is a holiday.
Please, let's not extend the systemic racism of the firm to the dining room table.
What systemic racism of the firm? - Oh, come on, Shirley.
- No.
I'd like to hear this.
Well, look around the table, or the office.
You see any black attorneys? - It doesn't mean we're racist.
- Right.
Did you ever think for one second maybe black attorneys don't want to work with us? Maybe they want to be with their own? - Denny, don't help me, please.
- Could you please pass the- No.
We just had a black man elected president and you still think- - Oh, please.
- What, "Oh, please"? - Never mind.
- No, say it.
I want to hear this, Alan.
- I don't.
- Neither do I.
I do.
Say it, Alan.
I want to hear what you have to say.
What? You really think we've turned the corner? Of a hundred senators, one is black.
One.
And that's Barack Obama.
ComeJanuary, there'll be none.
Of 50 governors, two are black.
One of those is in New York by default because Eliot Spitzer got caught with his hooker.
This country hardly seems willing to elect black leaders on a regular basis.
But the people of this firm are.
They voted overwhelmingly for Obama.
How do you know what the hell went on in the privacy of all those voting booths? - Get out of this house.
- I haven't even eaten yet.
- I don't care.
You will not say things like that.
- Let's just settle down.
What did I say? Maybe since Barack Obama was just elected we could celebrate the progress that blacks have made- - Celebrate? - Oh, my God.
In America, black people are incarcerated almost six times the rate of white people.
- Turnip here seems already to be well on his way.
- Hey! Blacks have double the unemployment rate of whites and have for over 40 years.
Whether it's that or the government's underwhelming response to Al DS among blacks or racial profiling, the black community continues to get screwed.
- Alan- - Let's not even discuss funding for public schools in black neighborhoods.
Or our Supreme Court eviscerating Brown versus Board of Education.
We've got that Republican congressman, Lynn Westmoreland from Georgia who referred to Obama as "uppity.
" Not once- twice.
"Uppity.
" Even Obama's own running mate during the primary, Biden praised Obama as being "clean and articulate.
" What was that? We can give thanks for a lot of things here today.
But the defeat of racism in America is not one of them especially at liberal, white-collar law firms like Crane, Poole & Schmidt.
Look around the table.
Bet you don't get invited to a lot of dinner parties.
I just wanted to have a nice Thanksgiving dinner.
But you-you couldn't let that happen, could you? You just had to screw it up.
[Carl.]
Wait.
Wait, wait.
Come on.
Let's just change the subject.
Can somebody think of something more pleasant to talk about? - I was thinking of taking a dump.
- [Alan Laughing.]
- Where's the nearest bathroom? - Through there.
Don't take anything else.
I love the holidays.
That's what I love.
[Melvin.]
Mmm.
- You know, if I could just say- - [All Protesting.]
- [Carl.]
Come on, please.
- That I'm sorry.
I realize I get worked up.
And I do apologize.
I certainly didn't mean to ruin anyone's dinner.
You didn't ruin mine, good buddy.
Oh, goody.
Edwin, tell us.
What's new with you? Well, economic Armageddon, for one thing.
The firm's- Edwin, that's our secret.
- What secret? - Nothing.
- Sounds very good.
Didn't that sound good? - Just let it drop, Alan.
[Melvin.]
I love secrets.
We used to play this little game.
I'll show you mine, you show me yours.
Old and fat people excluded, of course.
Denny, you'd be on the bubble there.
- Do you try to be offensive? - That was aggressive.
- [Lips Popping.]
- What the hell is that? - Edwin! - He's a popper.
That's what he is.
Get him to purr, big guy.
Hey, Mel.
Keep acting like a turkey, you're gonna get stuffed and carved, hot stuff! Thank you all very much.
- What did we do? - Just trying to make conversation.
Oh, by the way, where's the little black kid? He can't still be crapping.
- [Purring.]
- Excuse me.
You're gonna have to stop that.
It's annoying.
- Leave him alone, please.
- Stop it! One day we'll look back and laugh.
How about we just try to make the best of it? With that group? I'm so sorry I invited them.
It was such a bad idea.
What was I thinking? What were you thinking? You had to know at some level this is exactly how it would go.
You just roll with everything, don't you? I was hoping to roll with you until you invited all the children.
- [Door Opens.]
- [Denny.]
What the hell is this? - Uh, Denny.
- Shirley and Carl are kissing! - Denny, could you give us- - How could you? - How could I what? - Kissing him.
You're cheating.
- Cheating? - We missed it? Oh, kiss again.
- Oh, get out.
- Denny got to see.
Am I the only one who hasn't sucked face with her? - How aboutJerry? Have you gotten down with the mascot? - [Grunts.]
- I'm not a mascot! - [Katie.]
Jerry, what is wrong with you? - Calm down.
Calm down.
- [Carl.]
Hey! Look, could you all, please, just go home? [Carl.]
No, wait.
No, damn it.
This nonsense is gonna stop right now.
Go.
Back to the table.
Go ahead.
We're all going back to the table right now.
Come on.
We are gonna sit down and we're going to be nice to each other.
And we are going to give thanks.
That was not acceptable at all, Jerry.
- Did you hear what he said? - I heard what he said.
And it was offensive.
But that doesn't mean you resort to violence.
The incident in the cafe was bad enough.
For God's sakes, Jerry, you're a partner in a law firm.
You're an adult.
Oh, shut up! - I'm sorry.
- What's going on with you? I just thought it would all go away when- - You thought what would go away? - The ridicule.
When I made partner, I thought I would feel- Once I was accepted by others, the esteem- But it's no better.
I feel no differently about myself.
- That word that he used, what he called me- - Mascot? - That's what I am.
- That's not true.
Katie treats me like a Chia Pet.
She all but pats me on the head and gives me a cookie- How dare you say such a thing! - Katie, this is a private- - No, it isn't.
That was an indictment of me my friendship with you, which I assumed to be extraordinarily meaningful.
And I'm offended by it.
You may seek to trivialize yourself, Jerry.
I will not allow you to belittle me and my feelings in the process.
Katie, if I get one more maternal lecture from you I'm gonna throw up twice- not once, but twice.
It would take two full heavings to get all the puke out.
You can go to hell, Jerry.
It's one thing to do it.
But to rub my nose in it.
- Denny, we were not rubbing your nose in it.
- Yes, you were.
Was that the big plan? Get everybody here under the pretext of my birthday and humiliate me? 'Cause if that was the goal- Denny, we're here for Thanksgiving, not your birthday.
You know what I mean.
Gathering people up and- - Pops and the old lady are doing it? - Shh! Denny, you and I are not a couple.
We have not been a couple for over 25 years.
And you and Carl are? Are you back together? Yes.
Excuse me a second.
Denny, did you really think it was your birthday? What difference does- Denny, look at me.
Did you think we were assembled here to celebrate your birthday which is in January? Oh, my God.
I get a little, uh, confused when I get agitated.
Does this happen often? No.
But it's happened.
And it's usually when you get upset? Okay.
So we go in for another test.
I don't want another test.
There's nothing they can tell me that I don't know.
There's no cure.
Okay, look.
Here's what I know.
I've known you six years.
And during that time, there's been very little progression, if any.
You're 75 now.
The doctor said you probably won't live long enough for the Alz- mad cow to get you.
It's already getting me, Alan.
No, it isn't, Denny.
People get confused sometimes.
I'm slipping, Alan.
You know it.
I know it.
[Piano.]
- I know - I know [Both.]
You belong To somebody else But tonight You belong to me [Continues.]
- [Melvin.]
Although - Although [Both.]
We're apart You're part of my heart [Fades.]
I'm sorry.
I never meant to trivialize either our relationship or feelings- - You did just that, didn't you? - Look, toots.
How 'bout you let me finish a sentence? That too much work for you or- I really can't be that objective about either our friendship or your feelings- - Why? - Because I love ya, all right? Have I been too subtle? I gotta rent a billboard? Get a lousy plane to fly overhead, pullin'- I love you.
I realize that imposes no obligation on your part to love me back.
And as consolation prizes go I can think of nothing more extraordinary than your friendship.
You need to know that you are the most incredible, generous charitable beautiful woman I have ever met.
And I'm in love with you.
- My honey, I know - I know With the dawn That you Will be gone But tonight You belong to me [Deepens Voice.]
Just to little old me - Yeah.
- Good.
Okay, attention, please.
We're gonna make one last, ill-fated attempt at having dinner.
Your presence is requested in the dining room.
- These people like to play with fire.
- Tell me about it.
- I ain't going back in there.
- Smart kid.
I have a question, Edwin.
I can't help but think you're a bit of a mental, right? I am.
Carrots, please.
Why would social services ever put a child in your care? What's wrong with me other than being mentally unbalanced? This is a country that regulates everything, except Wall Street, the rich, who we let run amok.
But everything else.
Parenting- that's the hardest job anywhere.
- What's your point? - How can we pass out children to nut jobs? Especially little black children who typically are at risk and need the best parenting.
- Oh, my God.
- What? Do you know, Denny, the fastest growing segment of homeless in this country is children? - What's that got to do with anything? - These kids need homes.
I'm not sure I like where this is heading.
Maybe we could change the subject.
- We're all out of subjects.
- Maybe we could talk about bankruptcy.
- Oh, damn it.
- Nothing wrong with bankruptcy.
It's the in thing to be.
You're gonna make fun of poverty now.
How about all those poor schmucks losing their homes? - Here we go.
- I bet that's fun.
I'm not making fun of those schmucks.
It's the schmucks in suits that I'm making fun of.
Do we have to fight? Could wejust eat and make small talk and pretend we like each other? - Hell, we do like each other.
Why, these guys- - Will you shut up! That was aggressive.
[Sighs.]
Sorry.
I just- It was my fault.
I should never- The truth is, Carl, l- I'm sorry.
I guess I wanted a big, noisy dinner because sometimes when the din is loud I can hear him.
Hear who? My father.
This is my first Thanksgiving without him ever.
And I apologize.
But, uh, it's hard to face the quiet.
And l- I guess I can find comfort in tumult.
Shirley.
Well, once again, thank you all very much.
L- - She said she liked the tumult.
- Why are you making it all about you? This was supposed to be a quiet dinner between Shirley and me.
That certainly would have been dull.
I wonder what you might have talked about.
Probably about how the firm is going broke.
The firm is going broke? Did I know this and forget? Did I? No.
Denny, you didn't know.
- Well, what's happened? - [Sighs.]
- There he goes making it all about him again.
- Oh, will you shut up? No, Carl.
It affects us too.
What's going on? The firm is broke.
We're exploring a number of ways to get an influx of capital.
- We believe- - [Denny.]
How could this happen? How? We got hammered, Denny.
Just like everybody- - My name is on the door! Why wasn't I told that? - They knew you'd be upset.
Next thing, you'd be running around telling everybody it was your birthday.
- [Turnip.]
Gun! - [Screams.]
I've been hit! - Denny, for God's sake! - That's all I hear.
"Denny, for God's sake.
Denny, for God's sake.
Denny, for God's sake!" Why doesn't anybody tell me the truth? - I am telling you the truth.
- A half-truth! - I'm losing blood.
- It was just a paintball, dog.
- No, I'm telling you exactly- - What about you and Shirley? - What about it? - How serious are you? I want to know.
Actually, we sort of all do.
[Sighs.]
Okay.
Oh.
Now you know before even Shirley.
My plan, after our intimate little dinner together alone, without any of you was to ask her to marry me.
Can you believe it? As partner, I'm on the hook for the firm's debts.
I could be losing money.
Jerry, I'm not quite sure how to respond to your little revelation.
You don't need to.
It's my problem, not yours.
It's my problem if it affects our friendship.
I remain committed to the friendship.
I won't let this- Easier said than done.
Perhaps we should seek out some sort of couple's therapy.
- We're not a couple, remember? - Yes, we are.
Perhaps not one romantically linked, but one just the same.
Quite an extraordinary couple with a fairly complicated problem.
I think you should still ask her.
The moment has slightly passed.
No, it hasn't.
If it's meant to be, Carl, it's the perfect moment.
You obviously love her.
You must feel confident that Shirley loves you.
Don't let all of us and our foolishness get in your way.
Personally, I'm a little discouraged about what it means for my own conjugal prospects with her.
But clearly she needs cheering up, Carl.
Her father's dead and the ice cream's melted.
It was wrong of me to pull this ring out in front of Denny.
What ring? Just kidding.
Ask her to marry you, Carl.
I want her to be happy, really.
We all do.
Shirley deserves a good man.
You're a good man, Carl.
I know that, even if I don't much like you.
- Why is everybody in here? - Could everybody just clear out? I'd like a little privacy.
- What's wrong with having it with us? - What's going on? Why is everybody in here? - Carl has news.
- No, he doesn't.
What news? Uh, this is not how I planned it.
Planned what? Will somebody tell me what is going on? Shirley, l- - No.
We'll discuss it later.
- No, we won't.
We'll discuss it right now.
Hell, where I come from, we grab the bull by the horns.
That's what we do.
No, no.
Here, I'll do it.
I'll do it.
Shirley.
- Will you marry- - Carl? He loves you.
He wants to spend the rest of his life with you.
Carl, is this for real? Except the execution.
I didn't mean for Denny to do my bidding.
Yeah, I'm Cyrano de "Bushwhack.
" Shirley, I have never loved a woman like l- As of this morning, our relationship was a secret.
Secret's out, toots.
Just- Denny.
Please, Shirley will you marry me? - I'll give you away.
- [Chuckles.]
I have had six marriage proposals but this is by far the most bizarre.
- We're a bizarre group.
- Yeah.
Do me the honor of spending the rest of your life with me.
I would love to marry you, Carl.
- Ah! - [All Applauding.]
Really? - May I kiss- - Denny, I would like to kiss Carl.
So- Um, is the day rescued? Consider it saved.
[Applause.]
All right.
Contrary to vicious rumors, the ice cream is not all melted.
- Jerry, one scoop or two? - Just one, thank you.
There you are.
Katie, this is your slice.
- Thank you.
- I am a two-scoop kind of guy, if you don't mind.
And I've always thought you were a scoop short.
- Say it for me, Jerry.
- Hoot.
- Ah.
- [All Laugh.]
- So everybody have a slice now? - [Edwin.]
Yes.
[Shirley.]
All right.
- May I just say- - [All.]
No! Well, I'm gonna say it just the same.
I grew up in a very estranged unhappy house.
Most Thanksgivings my mother spent serving dinner at other people's homes.
And my father would spend it- I spent many a Thanksgiving in my room imagining what big family dinners were like, and- Alan, is this gonna be like a closing? And as I imagined it it was almost exactly like this.
A whole bunch of people actually talking right there in each other's faces.
Laughing one second, and angry the next.
And look what we've covered today: Race, politics God, marriage Iove, death.
What fun.
Thank you for having us, Shirley.
This is some family.
[Man.]
The more I read the papers The less I comprehend Ah, pie.
- Thank God for pie.
- [Melvin.]
Thank God for pie.
Everybody put something in their mouth so we can't talk anymore.
- [All Laughing.]
- [Melvin.]
I'm in.
It's very clear This is perfect.
Our love is here to stay We got more ice cream.
In time the Rockies may crumble Gibraltar may tumble They're only made of clay But Our love is here To stay Denny, are you really okay with them getting married? I don't know.
I will be.
I harbored this fantasy that we'd- [Sighs.]
Imagine my loss.
Could be the love I never knew.
[Chuckles.]
I'll tell it to you.
Unless I forget.
How often have you been getting confused like that? Well, not, uh- not too- God, if I go the way Shirley's father did- - You won't.
- How do you know that? - Because I'll shoot you.
- You wouldn't actually- - I've already bought the gun.
- You promise? Denny, you have defied the odds your entire life.
You'll continue to defy the odds.
You're probably gonna outlive us all.
We'll all be dead and buried and you'll still be out there doing Priceline commercials.
All the topics we covered today we left out the afterlife.
- Think there is one? - [Laughs.]
I don't- Think we'll be together somewhere else? On a- On a bigger balcony? Together again? I do.
Will we be naked? - Well- - I ask because I wonder, are there clothes in heaven? And are we as we were when we were young? Or are we as we were when we died? - Is that important? - Well, it is to me.
I don't want to go through the rest of eternity with the, uh, mad cow.
I think you are in heaven as you were in the best of times here on earth.
Like right now.
Like right now.
Thanks.
Thanks.
[Woman.]
You stinker!