Californication s05e10 Episode Script

Five minutes.
That's all I need.
Charlie, he doesn't want to see you.
Same as yesterday.
I'm sorry.
He's never been this mad at me before, Karen.
I don't know what to do.
He feels like you betrayed him.
I did, I did! I-I-I saw the forbidden fruit dangle in front of my face, and I took a big bite, juicy bite.
It was wrong.
I see that now.
Wh-what can I do? Something.
Anything.
Maybe, um, tease him a little bit, you know.
Uh, show a little flesh.
A little nip-slip.
Whatever gets me in the door.
I am married to another man, Charlie.
Sure, sure, sure.
But you and Hank, you know, you're always just a nod and a wink from jumping back in the sack.
Ornot.
Oh-kay I'll be on my way.
- Hey.
- Yah! Havin' a pool is awesome.
Havin' a husband in rehab is even better.
Hank, that was Charlie again.
Fuck that penis-headed motherfucker! Agh! Uhh! Hank - Forgive me.
- No! I'll do whatever it takes! Fuck you, Charlie.
There's nothing you can do.
This is the think slip to my Porsche.
Hank, I signed it over to you.
It's yours.
Fine, I'll take it.
So we're good now? No, never.
People are calling, Hank! There are opportunities to discuss! Refer them to my new agent.
You have a new agent? I'm taking meetings.
You're taking meetings?! Well, Hank, do something! He's fine.
He's like a beluga.
- Come on! - I think he's got a blowhole.
Ahh.
I'll be on my way.
See you in hell Motherfucker! Don't say motherfucker like that! It makes me miss you! Have a nice day, honey.
Too soon? Good luck with your meetings.
Well, thank you.
It's about time I got myself some serious representation, huh? You seem to be doing just fine with your current representation.
Previous representation, Karen.
Previous.
Come on.
Charlie's been good for you, Hank.
Au contraire, lady fair.
I have done well in spite of Charlie, not because of him.
Come on, that guy would take a bullet for you.
Oh, please, he'd piss himself and run away screamin'.
Really? That's awesome.
Yore so brilliant, baby.
Oh, I don't know what's more offensive-- brilliant or baby? Stop.
OkayCall me later.
Love you.
No, love you more.
I saw that.
- What? - You pretended to throw up.
I wasn't pretending.
I think I threw up for real.
Look, sputum.
On the marble.
Wh-- - Tyler says that Apocalypse loves his ass, thinks he's brilliant.
You do realize you're talking to the man he replaced, right? I'm sorry, dad.
Didn't mean to embarrass you.
You didn't embarrass me.
You insulted me.
And Sam will love his ass right up until the point where he doesn't.
He's a very fickle mistress, that brotha.
For what it's worth, I still love you.
That is worth quite a lot.
Oh.
Thank you.
Yo, lady.
You wanna get in on this? All right, yeah.
- Ohh.
- Mmm.
- I love you.
- Mmm Pilates? That's mean.
So this is what it would be like, the three of us living in the big house behind the white picket fence? All my life, I thought that sort of thing was lame.
Now I realize the joke was on me.
Have a nice day.
Honey.
Nailed it! I got it! What? The part! In Santa Monica Cop.
Really? Hey, why do you sound so surprised? You don't think I've got the goods? No, I know you got the goods, all right.
I just--it's-- it was such a long shot.
I know, but Stu said that I nailed it.
Ohh, Stu said that, did he? Yep.
Are you proud? Of course.
It's awesome.
I know, oh, my-- I'm so excited! Oh, um, I have to get naked, though.
Well, of course you do.
But it's a good thing you look pretty amazing naked.
Oh, thank you, my lord.
Speaking of you looking amazing naked, can we make love? No, I'm--I'm sorry, but I don't have the time, Charlie.
You sure? I can be quick about it.
I could really use the release.
I'm sorry, but I have three auditions all over town, and then I have to pick up Stuart from school.
Wait, why are you all wet? So, Hank, tell me.
What do you wanna do next? What is your wildest dream? Well, my wildest dream involves a three-breasted midget with labial piercings and a desire to please.
But as far as Hollywood is concerned, I think I'd just like to work with a world-class director for once.
I'm sick and tired of the hack parade.
And why haven't you done that? I don't know.
Maybe it's me.
Maybe I just don't got the goods.
Nonsense.
It's because you haven't had somebody in your corner making it happen for you.
Your former representative-- if I can even call him that-- is a sad, desperate soul.
He's more interested in having an office to jerk off in than making his clients' dreams come true! All right, I can make fun of Runkle, but you can't.
Okay? Same with my mother.
I respect that.
And I apologize.
Now, seeThat is the kind of honor I'm talking about, Hank.
I can also make that three-breasted midget thing happen for you.
- I know a guy.
- Oh.
Hey, boys! I see we're drinking our lunch.
Stu Beggs! How's the horse cock? Wellshh Come on.
Come--come on.
Take out just enough of it to scare me, huh? Hank, if you absolutely have to leave Runkle, and I believe you do, this is the guy! I'm not talking to you, Stu.
Look, I know I fired you, but that doesn't mean I don't love you with all my heart.
Don't be a grudge holder, Hank.
It's unbecoming.
Don't worry, Hank.
I'll hold the grudge for you.
So Who are you having lunch with? Well, actually, um, this could be slightly awkward.
Slightly? Stu.
Larry.
Hank.
After the shit I've seen you do to yourself, there's no way I'm touching that fucking disgusting mitt of yours, Runkle.
Understood.
Just take good care of him, okay? Just because I fired you, Charlie, doesn't mean I don't love you with all my heart.
I know that.
It makes me feel a little better.
Just kidding.
Fuck you.
Motherfucker.
No crying at the palm, Runkle.
If you're not careful, it'll be on Deadline before you get back to the office.
Mm.
Hey, Larry.
It's been a slice.
Oh, this meeting's not over yet, Hank.
There's somebody I'd like you to meet.
Follow me.
Thank you, Romeo.
Are you okay, Runkle? Am I okayStu? I'm the furthest from okay I've ever been.
I've lost the only client who ever meant anything to me.
Okay, okay.
Just keep your fuckin' voice down, Runkle.
I mean, I've seen at least three of your other clients in this very room.
I mean, do you want them to see you like this? Whatever.
Least I still got Lizzie.
Yeah.
So she really nailed it, huh? Yeah.
I mean, she was good.
I-I mean, she was fine.
Well But you gave her the part, right? I mean, she must have been better than fine.
Well, you know, she's certainly gorgeous.
Yes, I know.
Yeah, something's not adding up here, Stu.
You don't wanna know, Charlie.
Know what? Look, the only reason I'm going to tell you is because I think you need to know what you're dealing with here.
Ohhkay Gentlemen.
She blew me.
What? Who? Lizzie.
That's crazy.
She offered me a blowie in exchange for the role.
Now, I took it.
It was an honest transaction.
How could you do that to me? Or Marcy? Hey, hey, hey! That one little blow job, however delightful, in no way diminishes the depth of my feeling for my beloved wife.
Oh, I think it does.
Hey, Runkle, you know, there are certain things in this life that a man just cannot pass up.
And one of them is having Lizzie's lips wrapped around my love cannon.
I can't believe my girlfriend blew you! She's not your girlfriend.
Okay, so we haven't had that conversation.
I still feel she's my one and only.
Well, guess what-- she's not, okay? She is a fucking climber, and she's doing it with style.
How do you know I won't tell Marcy about this? What is wrong with you? What? Why would you do that? Why would you want to hurt the mother of your child? You know, that is sick.
That is something only a monster would do, Charlie.
Now, are you ready to order? I gotta get to the set.
Romeo.
So I hear your work is very sexual, ja? Yeah, I suppose so.
Ja.
You know, Hank, I would very much like to work with you.
Wow, that would be a dream come true.
You work fast, dude.
- It's what I do.
- Huh.
I have to say that your-- your work has meant a lot to me over the years, sir.
"Sir"? What is with this "sir.
" You can call me Lars.
- Ja? - OkayLars.
I just gotta say that it's really a kick to be sitting across from a filmmaker whose work I admire.
Usually, I work with directors whose movies suck so hard that I have to pretend that I was out of the country or in a coma when they were released, if you know what I'm saying.
That is excellent, Hank.
So nice to hear.
Hollywood has gone to shit.
Scheisse.
What should we do.
We should leave? Get out? No! We dig in.
We fight.
Yeah.
I see myself returning to my root.
I wish next to make something very violent, verysexual.
Wheelhouse! Ja I want to make a picture about the most famous whore in the history of mankind.
Mary Magdalene.
Hm.
Interesting.
Jennifer Aniston She is attached.
Okay.
Why can't the Bible be sexy, huh? Totally.
That's what my grandmother always used to say.
Aha! The girls are here! Trixie? Trixie! Hank.
Oh, you know each other, hmm? How lovely.
I knew this relationship was meant to be, huh? Larry, my man, Runkle never set me up on a meeting like this.
Well, I just wanted you to see what real representation is like.
So, Hank, you do your research, I do my research, we compare notes, ja? Hells ja.
Hi! You look like slut.
In agood way.
It's for an audition.
Is everything okay, Charlie? You're home early.
I'm fine.
You seem awfully quiet.
Oh, what's wrong? Is it Hank? Did you give Stu a blow job? No! Gross! I knew you didn't! Thank God.
Ohh.
Uhh.
Well, maybe I did.
Maybe? Did he drug you? No, he didn't drug me, Charlie.
Okay, I gave him a blow job.
Why? Because I really wanted the part.
But you might have gotten the part anyway! Maybe.
See, now you'll never know.
Doesn't matter anymore because I have the part.
Right.
I guess I see your logic.
Oh It didn't mean anything, Charlie.
It was just a blow job.
Yeah, but what happened to the girl who-- who--who didn't want to go from kissing to finger banging in just a matter of seconds? She's standing right here.
She still doesn't.
Just because she gave a big movie producer a blow job in exchange for a role doesn't mean that she's changed or sold out.
He's a married man, you know.
I know, but he's the one that accepted my offer, and And? Marcy can be really mean to me sometimes.
Yeah, she can be a real bitch.
Mm-hmm.
And she has been known to relax on the blow jobbing once she settles in to a marriage.
Look I hope this doesn't change anything between us.
I still really like you.
I really like you too.
Cool.
Okay, I have to get to my audition.
Wish me luck.
Good luck.
And how's Becca? She's great, she's in college now.
Holy shit.
That's trippy.
Did she end up being a lesbian? - No, much to my chagrin.
- Oh.
She is dating a guy with two moms, though.
Groovy.
And Karen? She's actually married to this crazy fuckin' character.
Ooh, that must really chap your hide.
Not as much as you'd think.
You know, I like him.
He's a good guy.
Bit of a drinker, though.
More so than you? Different.
When I drink, I do stupid shit.
And when he drinks, he does stupid shit with young boys.
Ooh, that's not good.
Almost never a good idea.
So are you still hoping for a reconciliation? I don't know if I'm hoping so much as yearning, you know? We're still pretty much as star-crossed as ever.
Copy that.
How 'bout you? Any love in your life? No.
The whole sex-for-money thing kind of scares them off, you know? Well, you shouldn't charge them, then.
Ah ha ha ha! You're funny.
It's gonna take a pretty special fella.
Ya think so? I'm sick of waiting.
- So should we do this? - Oh, we should do this.
And a little bit of that, if you know what I'm sayin'.
Okay Hello.
What is that? I wouldn't worry about it.
He's a legendary kinkster.
Lars? - And Larry.
- Oh Those old-school guys like to get their perv on with the 'tutes.
- The - Prostitutes.
Oh, right on.
So you think she's okay? Yeah, they're probably just playing Passion of the Christ or something.
Hmm.
Mmm I missed you, Hank.
I missed you too, Trixella.
Argh.
I gotta go check on her.
Clock's ticking.
Hey, dude, what's the deal? What's the world coming to when a whore cannot get a man hard, eh? Relax.
Pop a Viagra.
You know, you got a lot on your mind.
Viagra? I don't need that medical shit! I'm virility incarnate, you asshole! It's nothing to be ashamed of.
You are getting on in years.
Fuck you, writer! Okay, fine.
Fuck me.
But take it easy on her.
I think you're scaring the girl.
You're going to tell me how to conduct myself in my own house with a whore?! Stop raging,ja? Hank, it's better to just let him be.
He's--he's an artist.
His passions run deep.
Fine, whore!You don't get me hard, I will urinate on you! Assume the position-- I will piss on you! Oh, no, don't assume anything.
Don't do that.
That's gross.
Unless she's okay with it.
You okay with it? Really? I am paying this whore for her time.
If I choose to treat her like a toilet I don't wanna fight with you.
I will treat her like a toilet! - Ah! - I really like your work, man.
Why do I keep fighting with directors? - Ohh! Ohh.
- It's gotta be me, you know? You happy now, you old fuckin' creeper? I didn't want to give one of my favorite filmmakers a bloody nose, but you made me.
He made me.
Uh, I guess it's kind of cool to realize that world-class filmmakers are just as fallible as the rest of us, huh? So I, uh, I'll call you.
I'll let you know what I decide, Larry.
It was nice to meet you and, uh, you know, thanks for lunch and for this whole thing here, you know.
You just lost me a client I've worked with for over three decades.
Oscars, Golden Globes.
Palme d'Ors.
The agency will never sign you, Hank.
Ever.
As far as I'm concerned, you're dead.
You and that animal Runkle deserve each other.
Great seeing you again, Hank.
Ah, you too, Trixie.
Always a pleasure.
Thanks for stickin' up for us working girls.
That's what I do.
One of these days, Hank, you're not gonna be pining, and I'm not gonna be working.
Shit's gonna happen.
Sparks will fly.
I look forward to that.
Writer! Get the fuck out of my house, ja? Hey, Trixie, hold up.
Hold up.
What the fuck, Charlie? What is so important that I have to drive all the way to fucking Malibu? Why can't we meet halfway or something? I didn't want to drink and drive.
Oh, you're such a silly cunt.
Why don't you just, you know, comen in.
Sit down, relax.
Would you like something to drink? No, not particularly.
I think I'm gonna have a drink.
Good for you.
So what's the problem? Is something wrong with Stuart? No, he's sleeping.
We watched Iron Giant again.
It's such a sweet movie.
"Hogarth Friend.
" I know what this is about.
It's about Hank, right? Look, I know you're taking it hard, but these things tend to happen, especially to agents.
- You guys-- - Okay, it's not about Hank.
Although that has been very upsetting.
Okay, can we skip to the point? Okay, okay.
This is about you.
Me? I just, I I wanted to know if you're happy.
Of course I'm happy.
Okay, so Stu Do you love him? Hey, I know what this is.
This is one of your half-assed attempts - to win me back or something.
- No, that's ridiculous.
No, not ridiculous, Charlie.
Okay! Okay! I have to tell you something! What? Lizzie cheated on me.
Oh, God.
I'm sorry, Charlie.
Hank leaves you, and then Lizzie cheats on you.
It's not such a stellar week, huh? No, not at all.
HeyWait a minute.
Who'd she bang? She didn't bang.
She blew.
She blew who? Some guy in her acting class.
Oh, thank God.
I mean, I'm Really sorry, Charlie.
That's gotta suck.
Sure does.
Fuck her.
She's a slut.
Can I go now? How was your day Honey? UhWeird.
I spent the day with perverts and whores.
- Well - Don't worry.
I didn't sleep with any of them.
Close, but I didn't take my cigar out.
Gross, and I don't even care.
- Sure you do, Karen.
- No, I don't.
Anyway, I don't even have a right to care about such things.
You do too have rights.
You hungry? Not particularly.
But I do love watching you cook.
- Really? - Yeah.
It's been really nice playing house this last little while.
It's always nice to take a vacation from your real life, Hank.
Well, all-- all that's missing is the vacation sex.
Which is usually pretty primo.
- Remember Paris? - I don't.
But I do remember the inside of a hotel room in Paris that we never left.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
I wanted to go to the Louvre.
And I wanted to go to the vagine.
And I think you won out.
I think we both won out, Karen.
- Maybe.
- It's just funny that, after all these years, we can just pick up as if it were yesterday, huh? I'm sure we could pick it up again, but it would go to shit pretty soon thereafter.
At some point soon, we're gonna be too old for it to go to shit.
That's so depressing.
So, um, Bates is coming home tomorrow.
Oh, bummer.
- I mean, that's great.
- Yeah.
Yeah, no, it's good for him.
Hmm.
We'll see.
So we've got tonight.
What? Hey, I can't.
It doesn't mean that some small part of you doesn't want to.
Does it? Small? I can't.
I know.
Well, maybe just knowing we could is enough.
Actually, it's not.
Sorry.
Oh, sweetie.
- What is it? - What's wrong? What do you think? Same old stupid fuckin' shit with that asshole.
Hey, what the fuck is wrong with you? What happened to the guy who was head-over-heels in love with my daughter? I didn't do anything, Hank.
I promise.
Really? She seems to think otherwise.
Well, she was looking through my texts, and she found something she didn't like.
Can you blame her? What was it? It was nothing.
There was this girl who's-- who has been working with Samurai.
Kali.
He's producing her-- Just stay the fuck away from her, all right? - You hear me? - Why? Did you hit that or something? I'm just kidding, dude! I'm sorry.
Ok, it's nothing to kid about, all right? As far as Samurai's concerned, that's his woman.
Well, I appreciate your concern, Hank, but Sam loves the shit out of me.
Yeah, he loves the shit out of you, right up until the point that he finds out you been messing around with the woman that he loves the shit out of.
Oh, come on, dude.
That guy gets tons of pussy.
It doesn't matter.
This is the one he wants.
Well, whatever.
I really don't think he's gonna go and beat the crap out of me all over again.
Just keep playing with fire, and we'll see.
Yeah, I hear you, "dad.
" Jesus.
Okay, now get the fuck out of here.
And don't come back without a dozen roses and your dick in a box! Yeah, I'll be glad when you're dead, you rascal, you when you're dead and in your grave no more woman will you crave I'll be glad when you're dead, you rascal, you