Cougar Town s05e10 Episode Script

Bobby, you brought Señor Casa take-out into my bar? I serve food.
You don't serve burritos, G-man, and burritos are delicioso.
My food is delicious.
- Mm - What? Sorry, baby, your food is terrible.
I thought you all loved my food.
I mean, you ate all my buffalo wings.
Actually - What? - Wait a minute.
The golden ticket! I've got the golden ticket! Free burritos for a year! It's the best day of my life! - You got the golden ticket! - Why are you so excited? When is the last time Bobby won anything? Yay! I got the golden ticket! - Whoo! - The golden ticket! Burrito time! _ You finally told Grayson that we hate his food? I had to.
I can't keep going through purses like this.
If he serves clam chowder, I have to double bag.
Man, I love the breakfast burrito.
It's a great lead-in to the lunch burrito.
I heard that you got the golden ticket from Señor Casa! That is so awesome! The closest I ever came to a golden ticket was when I found that dirty band-aid in my calzone.
Yeah, when I got that ticket, I was so amped, I ran happy laps around the plaza.
I almost took out Tom's daughter.
- Tom has a daughter? - A human daughter? Seems that way.
She's here for a couple days.
Why wouldn't he introduce us? We're, like, his best friends.
Two seconds ago, you didn't even know that Tom had a daughter.
Not like he's ever been married.
He was.
Then she died.
What are you, writing a book? Why wouldn't Tom want us to meet his daughter? I mean, is he ashamed of us? Okay, everyone, strap yourself in for the Jules spiral.
Maybe he's ashamed of her.
Or he's ashamed of himself.
Or maybe he secretly hates us.
Oh, this is crazy.
Crazy suspicious! I'm gonna get some answers.
I thought that would last longer.
And here are our free coffees, baby.
What's up, corporate sell-out? How's it feel slinging beans for the man? True, Coffee Bucks is a multinational destroyer of rainforests, but I have dental.
And I get to do cool stuff like this.
- Make photocopies? - Starting an open-mike night.
It's a place for Gulfhaven's undiscovered artists to come and share their craft.
Oh, I'll take one.
I just want to see what date it was so I know not to come.
Grayson, is that you? What happened? I was just flexing and looking at myself in the window and, uh, must have fallen under the car.
Help me out, will you, buddy? Let me just get an angle.
- Ugh! - Tom? What the heck? Your daughter's in town? I want to meet her.
- Where is that little princess? - Haylee's 25.
- Who's Haylee? - My daughter.
She just left.
She went back to New York this morning.
New York? How does she like it? I mean, based on the t-shirts I've seen, people seem to really love that place.
Why wouldn't you introduce us? - I didn't know you'd want to meet her.
- Well, of course I would! - Now, the next time Haiti comes-- - Haylee.
I know.
Next time she comes into town, you introduce us.
- We should know everything about each other.
- Really? Well, in that case, I've got some pretty airtight proof of alien life if you want to see it.
Pass.
Bobby, people keep ordering burritos because they see you eating them.
I don't even serve burritos.
Can you order one of my sandwiches? Are they free and unlimited for an entire year? - No.
- Not interested.
Mm.
Oh, baby.
Each bite gets better than the last.
You might want to slow down on the burritos.
If you keep plowing through them, you're gonna get sick of them.
Sick of burritos? I don't think you understand.
This is my favorite thing in the entire world, and get as much as I want.
Let me tell you guys a little story.
I used to love that Spice Girls song, "Wannabe," more than anything.
I played it on repeat for 15 days in a row, until one day, I literally hated it more than anything ever.
Even now, if I hear even two seconds of it, I go insane.
Well, that's different.
A song gets stuck in your head, and it just stays there.
A burrito's just a delicious visitor, passing through tummytown.
I always liked that "Wannabe" song.
- if-- - Aah! What did I say?! Whoa.
Okay.
I can't believe so many people need an audience and a microphone to work out their feelings.
And finally, the curse of gender was lifted and the Earth was free.
Remember to tip your baristas.
I started something here, Laurie.
Finally, a place for local artists.
I feel like this may be Gulfhaven's cultural awakening.
Hello, Coffee Bucks! All right, uh, so I'm just gonna get right into it.
Why don't they make velcro bras? - Oh, no.
- So, my wife and I, we had a disagreement last night.
I lost, which makes the score, oh, 165 million to zero.
Bitches be loco! Uh, Helen Keller called Do you ever wonder who these people are or where they're going or what their story is? - No.
- Good.
Me neither.
Oh, look, it's Tom.
Hey! Jules, uh, you're not at, uh, work, where I-- I thought you'd be.
I have to go.
Ready, dad? Got the tickets.
Dad? I thought you said your daughter left? Uh, the thing is, uh, Jules, I-- Wait.
This is Jules? I thought you were in Chattanooga at a real-estate convention.
I can't believe I finally get to meet my dad's girlfriend.
Oh, I am definitely going on this ride.
I can't believe Tom told his daughter I was his girlfriend.
Or do you think he meant that I was a girl that's just a friend? No.
I think he meant you two were boom-chicka-wow-wow.
Jules.
Thanks for not saying anything to Haylee.
There's a simple explanation for why she thought you were my girlfriend.
- Yes, because you told her I was your girlfriend? - See? Simple.
Haylee's got a good life in New York-- amazing job, great friends.
But she worries about me.
If she thought I was all alone, she'd drop everything and move here, - so I told her we were-- - Boom-chicka-wow-wow! I'm-- I'm sorry.
I'll tell her the truth.
Dad, there you are.
What's going on? Uh, Haylee, um, it's-- it's just-- I-- I've been-- Giving his lady some grade-A lovin'.
You know, the sex kind.
I can really feel the love here.
You should see them kiss.
Why don't you guys kiss? Oh, my lips are really tired.
You know, from all the making out we did yesterday with our mouths and our tongues.
Uh, oh, hey, Grayson.
Oh, this is Grayson? Hi, Grayson.
It's so sweet you take care of your brother after his accident-- Hockey puck to the head? Poor thing.
Dad told me all about it.
I'm confused.
- Aww, of course you are.
- My baby's a saint.
Oh! I can't believe I'm just now meeting all of you, and I have to leave so soon.
- I know.
- We should all go to lunch.
You know, get to know each other, just talk more about this.
That is a great idea! I have hockey practice.
I let him suit up and run around the yard.
- Mrs.
Torres, I need your help.
- Not interested.
Your husband came to my open-mike night.
- He did stand-up.
- Very interested.
Open mike is supposed to be a safe place for creative expression, not a place to repeatedly yell, "Bitches be loco!" Paint me a picture.
Well, it started with a room full of daring, original artists pouring their hearts out and climaxed was an obnoxious Cuban comic covering hot-button issues like "Why do girls always go to the bathroom in pairs?" Between the budding Jules/Tom fake relationship and this, I may have died and gone to Heaven.
I'm trying to establish myself as Gulfhaven's cultural taste maker.
Talking like a douche is not helping your case.
Please tell me he trotted out his "You know what has two thumbs" jokes.
You know what has two thumbs and is gonna be sitting front seat at his next show? Hugely helpful, as always.
So, Tom told his daughter that a head injury turned me into a simple, good-natured man-child who needs help dressing himself.
That's humiliating.
Or is it the role of a lifetime? Oh, right.
This could be my "Forrest Gump.
" - Oh, this just keeps getting better.
- Why are you even here? Jules is about to have lunch with her new boyfriend, Tom, and her idiot brother, Grayson, is tagging along? - Where else would I be? - Can we focus? Tom needs our help, so we're just gonna have to tough it out.
Besides, I'm the one who has to cozy up next to that gangly pile of-- Hey, honey bear! Oh! You guys! We're gonna have to get a fire hose for you two.
You should be glad you don't live next to them.
I mean, the noises that come from that bedroom.
Have you spent any time on a farm? Sheeps grow their own sweaters, and cows have finger boobs.
So, Jules, how did you two meet? - Was it love at first sight? - Obviously.
Well, it was for her.
I played hard to get.
But that didn't stop me.
I would just stand outside of his window like some lunatic, just saying as many creepy things that popped into my head.
- I found that so sexy.
- Yeah.
Windows are baby doors with no clothes on.
Oh, my God.
Would you shut up? He's just testing me.
I have to set boundaries.
You know who doesn't have boundaries? These two.
Jules, you don't have to hold back just because Haylee's here.
I'm cool.
- If you guys are into PDA, I'm great with that.
- Oh, good.
I think I'll get some right now.
Oh, baby, that feels so good.
- You know, like a xylophone.
- Oh, keep playing, baby.
You're about to hit the high note.
Isn't this the part where you usually sit on his lap? - No.
- Yes.
Oh, good.
You're wearing shorts.
Oh, damn it! I have to go.
I have dueling train-wreck situations happening.
Thank you so much for everything.
No, thank you.
- Oh, my God, how many knees do you have? - Sorry.
Because knees are so sexy to me.
Knees are like elbows for the legs.
Okay, I'm putting you in the car.
That was the saddest song.
I thought it was just about a gumball machine, and then bam! The guy's girlfriend dies on prom night? - What? - Exactly.
It's moving.
That's what I wanted to do here-- bring some cultural flavor to town.
- Oh - But now Hello, Coffee Bucks! Um, ladies, what is with all the shoes? I mean, I only need two-- the left and the right.
This is Larry, the surgeon, who has to really pee.
Oh, thank goodness I made it.
- Scalpel.
- Didn't want to miss this, huh? I left your mom sitting on Tom's lap to be here.
Today is my Super Bowl! All right, I'm gonna do my first incision.
Ooh, why did I drink all that lemonade?! Travis, I'm all for supporting the arts, but you said this was gonna bring in business.
Everyone's leaving.
There's one woman that seems to really be enjoying it.
Are you referring to the woman who's pouring wine into a coffee cup? Either ban this clown or I'm shutting down open-mike night.
Uh, okay, I'm gonna do some improv now.
Please, someone shout out the name of a famous person.
President James K Polk! Um, okay.
Uh Oh, really do enjoy being president.
Of America? Okay, burrito.
I got to try to get you into my tummy, which shouldn't be a problem because you are the best thing ever! Mm.
Bobby.
What are you doin'? Aren't you goin' to finish me? You're a giant talking burrito! That's right.
Eat me.
Uh, I don't think I want to.
- Thanks.
- You love me.
I don't know anymore.
I have to go.
Not without me! I'm part of you! No, burrito! Go away! I'm free, you son of a bitch! Aah! Aah! Whoo.
It was just a dream.
Noooo! We nailed that lunch! Well, besides the bruises on my ass from sitting on Tom's bony lap and having to choke down your fish and chips, it was perfect.
You know, the role of brain-injured Grayson was so nuanced and multi-layered, but I killed it.
- Jules, I want to run something by you.
- We are not moving to LA.
Now his daughter gets to go back to New York feeling good about her dad.
Ooh.
Was it weird that I just kissed my brother? Ooh, weird and hot.
Oh, yeah.
So hot.
Give me some of that DNA PDA.
- Amy! - Amy? Haylee! I just came by to say thank you for lunch.
I can't believe you would cheat on my dad with your own gay brother.
Wait, I'm gay? Why didn't anybody tell me? That totally rounds out the character.
Tom's daughter thinks I'm cheating on her dad with my brain-damaged, gay brother.
I can't believe I was playing "Forrest Gump" when I should have been playing "Philadelphia.
" - Can you help me out here? - Sorry.
We need to go find Tom and get him to tell Haylee the truth.
What if we tell Haylee that you were choking on a peanut and I was giving you CPR? That's not how CPR works.
What if we were two siblings sharing my last mint? Or that this is the way our family just cures hiccups, you know? Can you even hear yourself? Fine.
Let's go talk to Tom.
Ooh! What if a snake bit me in the mouth? Jules, enough.
Let's go.
Is that camera to capture my demise as a promoter? Partially.
But, also, when I'm old and senile, I just want to remember these timeless moments where my husband made a giant, public ass of himself.
I hate to ruin it, but my manager said get rid of Andy or he's canceling open mike.
- Is he here? - Check it out! I got this prop box when I thought I might be a professional comic, and I never got a chance to use it-- until now! Wow.
Anyone see a chicken run around here? He's late for an appointment.
Oh, here he is.
Look, Mr.
Torres, a-about-- I know, I know, I went a little long last time, but I got my set down to a tight twenty and this has been such a blast.
It's like a dream come true.
And I owe it all to you.
Looking forward to seeing you tonight.
Get out of here! I hate you, man! You're delicious, but you ruined my life! Hey! Bobby! Stop! What are you doing?! Getting rid of these evil bean-and-cheese pockets! I hate them! Stop it! Why did you order so many? Because I love them! What's happening to me?! Oh, you've hit rock bottom.
I know.
I've been there.
Except my bottom had actual rocks.
I woke up face-down in a ravine, eyes crusted over, headphones half strangling me, Spice Girls still blasting.
- Bobby.
- Huh? You have to get rid of the ticket.
You know what? Just hand it to the next person you see.
Oh, you're right.
Hey, buddy.
That guy stole my ticket! Come here! Oh, Laurie, help me.
What am I gonna do? We have to destroy it.
Tom? Oh, hi.
Has Haylee been here? Because, uh, we have something to tell you.
That my girlfriend was just tongue wrestling with her idiot brother? Okay, she's been here.
This is all my fault for being so irresistible.
I mean, I can't help that I was born with lips this luscious.
I had to tell Haylee the truth about everything.
She just took off.
She was pretty upset about it.
Is it too late to tell her that Grayson was sucking snake venom from my mouth? I think so.
I'm so sorry.
Is there anything we can do? No, this is my mess to clean up.
You guys have already done more than you should.
Thanks for trying.
Hey, Grayson.
Top-notch performance, by the way.
Thank you! And did you know I just found out that my character was gay? If I had been able to layer that level of complexity on top of-- - Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
- Yeah, we'll leave you alone.
All right.
Get out of here.
I did it! I walked right up to that grill, and I chucked that ticket right into the flames.
It was like that movie where that furry-footed dude threw the ring in a volcano.
"Lord Of The Rings.
" Mnh-mm-mnh, I don't know what that is.
I'm really proud of you, Bobby.
Thank you for helping me through this.
Ooh! Look at that quesadilla, man.
It's got steak, cheese, warm tortilla.
Bobby, that's basically just a burrito.
Yeah, in a completely different shape.
I can eat those for days! How much longer is this guy gonna go on? He has no idea people hate this.
Completely oblivious.
Yeah.
Some people just don't get it.
Time to drop a funny grenade on these chuckle heads.
- Wish me luck.
- Good luck.
Hey, perform like it's your last show ever.
That's really sweet advice.
I will, Trav.
Thanks.
Hello, Coffee Bucks! Mikado es su-kado.
Hey, pal.
Pretty sure I told you if he goes on again, I'd shut this down.
I'd rather blow this up than crush my friend's dreams.
You can pull the plug when he goes off.
That is incredibly noble.
Not sure how long you're gonna last in this cutthroat bean biz, but very noble.
Holy mackerel! Hey, you here to see his final swan song of shame? Travis, is this open-mike night really important to you? I mean, I thought it was a cool idea, and I believed in it.
- I hope you appreciate this.
- Order up! Order up! Hey! Stud with the prop box.
Get off the stage, take me home, and sex me up.
That's my time, folks.
See you at the next open mike.
I doubt it, because open-mike night is now our permanent sex night.
I knew this prop trunk was gold! - You owe me.
- What? I said, "You, bone me!" Would you let Tom perform brain surgery on you? Maybe.
I mean, on one hand, I'm sure he's pretty good.
On the other hand, he did once leave someone on the operating table to help me open a jar.
- Hey, guys.
- Katie! - Haylee.
- I know.
I'm sorry we lied to you.
We never meant to hurt you.
I was upset at first, then I realized if you went through all that for my dad, you must really care about him.
Yeah.
We'd do anything for Tom.
I know.
I mean, the lengths you went to.
The flirting and the touching.
The food at Gray's pub even tasted like it was made by someone with a head injury.
You all are crazy.
People come from miles for my fries.
My ranch is made in-house, and the Gulfhaven Gazette said that my wings are fine.
Thanks for everything, Jules.
Aw, sure thing, Haylee.
I said it right.
Aw.
My two girls.
I wish Grayson was dead.
- What? - Shh.
- So, what do you think? - Mmm, pretty good.
All liquid this time.
Found where we keep the filters.
Ha! I was so proud of you, man.
Working hard, bringing home that cheese Son of a I thought I had defeated you, man! This ends now.
Oh, no! What do you think that's about? Sure there's a perfectly good reason.
You're gonna die-o, man!